Title: Why We Said Goodbye

Author: Jaimi – canadian_cowgirl69@canada.com

Rating: PG-13

Category: Harm/Mac - Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Romance


Spoilers: Psychic Warrior, Boomerang, In Country,
JAG-A-THON, Measure Of Men, Heroes, Court-martial Of
Sandra Gilbert 

Summary: Harm is sick at a hotel, with Mac taking care
of him. He does some thinking during the night.

Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I do not own them. That
privilege belongs to CBS, Paramount and the ingenious
Donald P. Bellisario. The song, “Why We Said Goodbye”
belongs to Tim McGraw from his CD, “Set This Circus
Down”.  



Author’s Note: Takes place in December of 2002,
includes the events of my other fics (not I Miss My
Friend). This is lightly inspired by H. Lee’s great
fic, Shameless Advantage, which peeps should read on
the H/M Shipper Archive. In fact, I’ve read all Lee’s
fics, and suggest you read them all too. They’re
great. Most are very light hearted and fun. Go read!
...after you read and review this story of course.
Thank you! 

 



Why We Said Goodbye

By: Jaimi 

 



Harm - “Anyone ever tell you, you’ve got great
maternal instincts?”

Mac - “Not as often as they’ve told me I have a great
Karate chop!” 

 



0305 ZULU

HOTEL ROOM

WINDSOR, NC 



Groaning, Commander Harmon Rabb Junior dropped his
duffel bag somewhere along the way to the double bed
that occupied the small, sparsely furnished hotel
room. Closing the door behind them, Lieutenant Colonel
Sarah MacKenzie turned a concerned gaze to her partner
and friend of nearly six years. 



“You all right, Sailor? You’ve been quiet ever since
we closed the investigation this afternoon. First time
in our entire acquaintance you didn’t make some smart
comment about my driving for the whole two hours. Is
something bothering you?” 



“I’m just tired, Mac, and damn glad this investigation
is over. Tell me again, why we didn’t drive all the
way home tonight?” he griped, squinting up at her from
his seat on the bed. 



“Take a look in the mirror, Flyboy. You’re soaked to
the bone. There’s a storm warning in affect. A nasty
one, that I don’t want to be driving the next several
hours in,” she answered, tossing her own bag and purse
on the tiny desk by her side. She then grabbed a towel
from the small bathroom and tossed it to him. 



“Why didn’t you let me drive then?” he asked
grouchily, not picking up the towel that had fallen a
foot short of his feet. 



She gave him an incredulous look. “Were you paying
attention at all when I pulled off onto the exit?
Geez, if you can’t even recall our conversation, I’m
doubly glad I didn’t let you drive. You’re exhausted
Harm, even more than I thought. I couldn’t see your
hellish appearance in the car. Go change out of those
wet clothes, and then you need to get some sleep.” 



“Wh-where?” he yawned. 



“On the bed,” she said, giving him a ‘duh’ look. 



“Where are you gonna sleep? There’s no couch... Why
didn’t we get separate rooms or at least one with two
beds?” he asked, honestly bewildered. 



Mac sighed in exasperation. “Because Harm, like the
people at the front desk told *both* of us, they’re
all booked up with the storm. This was their last
room. Weren’t you listening at all? What’s wrong with
you?” 



“Nothing!” he said defensively, though it was a
blatant lie. He’d been feeling like shit all day, and
ever since they started driving that evening his
headache had escalated into dizziness, and then
grogginess as the night wore on. He had in truth,
barely registered anything Mac had said during the
drive, or what anyone else, including the hotel staff,
had said since they’d arrived here.  



It didn’t matter what he said though, Mac didn’t
believe him for a second, especially upon hearing his
defensive tone. He was definitely hiding something,
she knew.  



She approached her partner, still perched on the edge
of the bed. “And to answer your earlier question, I’ll
sleep on the other side of the bed. We slept in each
other’s arms in Afghan and at the admiral’s on your
birthday, so I think we can handle sharing a bed,
don’t you?”  



Not waiting for an answer, she reached toward him and
felt his forehead. She had noticed upon closer
inspection, and in a better lit area, that her friend
looked flushed. 



He swatted her hand away, glowering with grumpiness.
Mac just rolled her eyes, grabbed his chin in one
hand, holding him still, while the other felt his
forehead again. 



“Mac, quit. I’m not a child,” he complained. 



“Then stop acting like one,” she snapped. Pulling her
hand away, she pointed to the bathroom. “Go change,
now!” 



Glaring at her, he got up to comply, but only because
he hated being cold and wet. 



“Take a shower while you’re in there,” she called,
already fishing through his bag that she had retrieved
from the floor.  



Grumbling, he went into the bathroom and slammed the
door, nodding in satisfaction that that would clearly
let her know just what he thought of her sudden take
charge attitude. He didn’t need her ordering him
around when he felt like shit. Not that she knew just
how much he felt like shit, but still...  



He sighed as he stripped his wet garments and stepped
into the shower, turning on the heated water full
blast. He sighed again, as the soothing rush of water
helped cleared his thoughts some. It wasn’t her fault
he was so crotchety. He just hated being in a strange
place when he was sick. He hated being away from the
comfort of his home, or even more so, his mother’s
nursing care. He suddenly wished he was safe in his
bed, in California, with his mother bringing him a
bowl of Grandma Rabb’s vegetable broth soup. 



Harm felt only slightly better as he stepped out of
the shower, and wrapped a towel around his waist. The
chill was gone, but he was still dizzy, his head hurt,
his stomach ached and he was now slightly nauseous.
Rubbing his eyes, he opened the door and called out to
his partner. 



“Mac, can you grab me my-” 



He blinked in surprise as she was suddenly there,
handing him a pile of clothes.  



“Uh, thanks...” he mumbled, taking them and retreating
back into the bathroom. 



Mac said nothing in return, just went back to fixing
the bed, having already changed into boxers and tank
top while her partner had been in the shower. She
didn’t need a hot shower, because she’d had the sense
to bring and *use* an umbrella, which Harm had refused
to duck under. Mac figured it had something to do with
the cute little ducks on the dark blue background. She
shrugged. It was a gift from Chloe. She thought it was
cute. Obviously, her partner didn’t share her awe.
Anyway, so she had arrived in the hotel drip free,
while her partner was soaking wet. /Stubborn man,/ she
thought. 



She looked up as that same stubborn man exited the
bathroom, clad in boxers and a T-shirt. He was no
longer shivering, but his face was still flushed, even
more so from the heat of his shower. Shaking her head,
she pointed to the freshly turned down bed. 



“Lie down,” she ordered. 



Stopping in his tracks, Harm narrowed his eyes. “No,”
he responded, crossing his strong arms over his chest.
He knew he was being silly, but dammit, he needed a
mother, not a drill sergeant. 



Mac crossed her arms as well, a dark look crossing her
features. Looking at him though, defiant as he was,
she saw the tiredness and a hint of the homesickness
reflected in those beautiful blue-green eyes. There,
she saw nothing but a sick little boy, who desperately
wanted his mother to care for him. Oh, if his jetjock
friends saw him now. ....No, she wasn’t *that* cruel. 



Softening, the mother hen in her kicked in, and she
loosened her stance, stepping around and beside her
partner. She placed one hand on his back, and with the
other holding his arm, she urged him forward.
Surprised, he moved til he was at the edge of the bed,
where she turned him around and sat him down.
Crouching in front of him, she felt his forehead
again, then felt for swelling in the glands of his
neck. His surprise dissipated, and he frowned again,
moving to pull her hands away.  



She shot him a look, giving him a frown of her own.
“Harm, I swear to God, I have maternal instincts, and
I’m not afraid to use them.” 



Harm was about to retort, but the memory caught him.
He tried not to smile, but failed, and a grin broke
out on his face at the mocked quote. 



“You gonna tuck me in?” he teased. 



“Maybe...if you’re good,” she replied with a smile,
glad the diversion had worked. Pulling her hands away,
she patted the pillow. “Now would you please lie down,
while I go get you some aspirin. You’re running a
fever, and no doubt there’s other pains and aches that
you’re not telling me about.” 



Harm just shrugged as she walked in to the bathroom to
grab a glass of water, grabbing her purse on the way
back to him. Handing him the glass, she dug through
her purse, taking out a small white bottle. Opening it
and handing him two pills, she recapped the bottle and
tossed it and her purse on the nearby chair. Her eyes
never left him, watching him carefully, making sure he
took both pills. 



He rolled his eyes at her, but secretly felt better.
No one could replace a nursing mother, but a maternal
driven best friend was the next best thing. He’d seen
Mac go into mother mode with little AJ, Chloe and any
other children they came across, but he’d never
experienced it himself. He kind of liked the attention
she was giving him. He just hoped she never mentioned
this to his guy pals.  



Handing her back the glass he offered her a small
smile. She returned it, setting the glass on the
nightstand. She nodded toward the pillow, and with a
sigh, he finally lay back down. 



He grinned as she reached over and pulled the covers
up over him, tucking the edges in securely.  



“I was kidding, partner,” he teased. 



She smiled back at him, affection clear in her dark
gypsy eyes. “I wasn’t, Sailor. Now try and get some
sleep. I’m gonna run down to the hotel shop and pick
up some more medicine. Now would be the time to tell
me what hurts.” 



Still feeling a little foolish, Harm shrugged, not
answering. 



With a sigh, Mac sat down beside him on the edge of
the bed, gently patting his stomach. He winced. 



Mac’s eyebrows quirked. “Okay, that’s one. You have a
stomach ache. What else?” 



When he didn’t answer, she gave him a perfect
replicate of a mother’s scowl. 



He just shrugged again, burrowing under the covers a
little more, causing him to look a lot smaller than
his lean 6’4” frame, and maybe a little helpless even.
He had a slight pout on his handsome face, making him
look years younger. 



Touched, Mac’s scowl melted, and she rubbed a soothing
hand over his stomach. She didn’t know it, because it
was merely instinct, but it eased the ache, if only
slightly. 



“Come on, Flyboy, what else? Your head? Do you have a
headache?” 



He just nodded, looking content and miserable at the
same time. Miserable because he felt sick. Content
because his partner was in full maternal mode, and
doing all the right things to make him feel better, if
only a little, without the aid of medication. So
content, he didn’t even mind the tone she had begun
using with him. Normally it would be degrading to his
aviator ego, but he just didn’t care at the moment. 



He closed his eyes with a sigh. 



“Dizzy? Nauseous?” she asked. 



He nodded, opening sad, puppy dog eyes up to his best
friend. 



“You poor thing,” she mumbled softly, running a hand
through his soft dark hair. “Sounds like you’ve got a
bit of the flu. Do you think you’re gonna be sick?” 



Harm shook his head. He really didn’t think so, and it
had nothing to do with being too proud to admit
otherwise to his friend. He was only slightly
nauseous, and he hadn’t really eaten much that day. He
figured as long as he stayed immobile, he’d be fine. 



“All right, I’m gonna go get some flu meds. Hopefully
it’s just a twenty-four hour bug. How long have you
been feeling sick for? Be honest, Harm.” 



Looking slightly chastised, he mumbled a response.
“Most of the day. It just got worse during the car
ride, and our trek across the parking lot in the
downpour.” 



She sighed, shaking her head in a disapproving
fashion. “You should have told me... Well, it explains
why you couldn’t concentrate, and why I had to do most
of the talking *and* listening.” 



“Sorry,” he muttered, unhappily. 



She just smiled. “Hey, it’s fine. Contrary to popular
belief you are not a God. You are not invincible. You
*are* allowed to be sick. So just relax, and I’ll be
back soon.” 



Without a second thought, she gently kissed his overly
warm forehead, and then got up. Grabbing one of his
sweaters and pulling it on over her tank top, she
grabbed her purse and the room key. Slipping on her
shoes, she opened the hotel room door, and left. 



Harm sighed, suddenly feeling lost and alone. He
wasn’t helpless, but he sure felt like it. His
partner’s presence had been a comfort, which he now
sorely missed, even though he knew she really would
only be gone a few minutes.  



Reaching over, he flipped the radio on, hoping it
would ease the strange loneliness he was feeling with
her gone. 



A song was just starting. 



I remember Sunday mornings

walking on the beach

And that place we’d stop for breakfast

with the old red vinyl seats

The hours of the tide chart

The way the sunlight danced upon your face 



That antique roller coaster

you just had to ride

I remember how you laughed

at the terror in my eyes

The color and the detail

just like it was yesterday 



And I remember how you held me

the night my father died

I didn’t have to tell you

I just broke down and cried

You’re sewn into the fabric,

the pieces of my life

And I just can’t remember why

we said goodbye 



Up and down the boardwalk

lonely people sit

I know it wasn’t perfect

but nothin’ ever is

The sails out in the harbor

are searching for the wind 



I just had to call you,

I had to hear your voice

And tell you I still love you

we still have a choice

You’re sewn into the fabric,

the pieces of my life

And I just can’t remember why

we said goodbye 



Everything I do

Leads me back to you

I know I just can’t let us go 



There must have been a reason, 

but I can’t remember now

I know if I could hold you

we could work it out

You’re sewn into the fabric

the pieces of my life

And girl let’s give it one more try

Cause I just can’t remember why

we said goodbye 



/Well, that was depressing,/ he thought, as the song
ended . /Could I feel more alone at the moment?/ 



Shutting the radio off, he decided to take his mind
off the song and the empty room, and conjured up the
image of his partner just a few minutes before. She
looked great in his large Navy sweatshirt, that almost
hung past the cotton shorts she had on. She looked so
adorable, he just wanted to pull her into his arms and
cuddle with her... But then came the image of her
long, tanned, sexy legs that the those cotton shorts
showed off. Now all he wanted to do was pull her into
his arms and do a hell of a lot more than cuddle. 



He shook his head. /Down boy...Ouch./ He stopped the
head shake as the dull pain escalated sharply. /Smart
move, Rabb, you Moron./ 



“Great, now I’m talking to myself in my head...” He
frowned at himself. “And now I’m talking to myself out
loud...” Rolling his eyes, he turned onto his side,
and nestled down into the terribly flat pillow.
Grunting, he lifted himself up onto his elbow and
attempted to fluff it. It remained limp, and
absolutely useless. With a huffed sigh, he dropped his
head back down, wishing for his partner to return. 



The door opened, and a pair of long, sexy legs stepped
into the room. 



/Thank you,/ Harm thought to the higher power that was
obviously still looking out for him. 



“Did you bring anything that’ll knock me unconscious?
Some extra strength Tylenol? Potent cough syrup? A
baseball bat?” he griped, only partially kidding. 



Mac rolled her eyes with a smile. “Sorry, no cough
syrup and no bat, but I did bring the Tylenol. It
should knock you out for a few hours. Hopefully, after
I get some liquids and drugs into your system, and you
get a good nights sleep, you’ll feel better in the
morning.” 



“Hopefully,” he muttered. 



Mac just smiled sympathetically, slipping off her
shoes. 



She walked over and took a seat beside him. She set
the Tylenol “Cold and Flu” bottle on the nightstand
before once again feeling his forehead. He would have
rolled his eyes, but that would’ve taken to much
effort, instead he just gave her a look. She rolled
her own eyes instead, saying, “do you give your mother
this much trouble when you’re sick?” 



“No, but you’re not my mother.” It wasn’t said
bitterly, almost thankfully. /There’d be something
wrong with me if I thought about my mother the way I
think about you,/ he thought to himself, while Mac had
her own reply. 



“Thank god for that Sailor, I don’t know how the hell
she got you out of her.” 



“I wasn’t a big baby,” he argued with a careless yawn.




“You are now,” she quipped, with a playful grin. 



“Very funny, Marine.” 



“Oh I’m not being funny Harm, I’m being cute,” she
continued, slyly. 



/Don’t even go there,/ Harm thought. Even in his
drowsy state he could recognize how amazing his
partner looked...how amazing she always looked. Then
he grinned as her second mocked quote of the day
kicked in. 



“You remember everything I say?” he asked, with a
knowing Flyboy grin. 



“Only the good stuff,” she returned, with an
affectionate wink. “Now, take one of these Tylenol-” 



“Only one?” he griped, reaching for the bottle that
she quickly snatched from his grasp.  



“Yes, only one. You’ve already had two aspirin, I’ll
give you more in a few hours if you’re awake.” 



“Or I could give them to myself,” he hinted. 



“Not on my watch,” she returned, placing one pill in
his hand.  



“You don’t use a watch.” 



“Don’t be smart,” she chastised.  



He just smirked, as she rose up off the bed, taking
the bottle with her. She dropped it into her purse,
before reaching into the plastic bag she had returned
with and pulling out some bottles of water and apple
juice. 



Placing the pill in his mouth, he took the offered
water bottle she returned with, eyeing the apple
juice. After swallowing the pill, he said, “Apple
juice?” 



“It’s good for you,” she said simply.  



“No offense partner, but what would *you* know about
health issues?” 



She rolled her eyes, setting the apple juice on the
nightstand. 



“Just because I don’t eat or drink healthy crap 24/7
doesn’t mean I’m not aware of it’s benefits. You need
something more than water and drugs in your system.” 



“Yes, Ma’am.” 



“Shut up and get some sleep.” 



“Fine,” Harm huffed, as he settled his head back. “Not
to likely though, with this stupid, limp as a noodle,
pillow. It’s got no bounce.” 



Mac grinned playfully. “And we know how you like
things with bounce.” 



Harm rolled his eyes. “Red light, Colonel.” 



“Oh get off, Harm,” she replied, meaning the traffic
signals. They were well beyond that point. 



“And they just keep coming,” he replied with a
chuckle. He laughed harder as he finished, registering
his own words. 



Mac rewound their conversation, realizing how it
sounded. 



“Harm!” she shouted, fighting back a smirk. 



“What? You started it!” he said, still chuckling. 



Mac shook her head. “You really are a child...” The
small smile on her lips prevented the statement from
bothering him. He knew she enjoyed their goofing
around sessions just as much as he did. 



“Yeah well...” he was to tired to continue. 



Mac saw this and slipping off the sweater she had put
on before leaving earlier, she turned off the main
light. She then made her way to the other side of the
bed where her lamp still shone. Climbing under the
covers, she looked to see Harm struggling with the
indeed limp and useless pillow. Taking pity on him,
she stood back up and went in search of the extra
pillow always stored in a drawer or closet. Finding
it, she returned. Climbing onto the bed, she tugged at
her bewildered partner’s shoulder so he would lean
forward. She placed the slightly fluffier pillow under
his head, pressing him back down into it. 



“Thanks,” was all he said, looking at her for a moment
in a way she couldn’t quite place. 



“You’re welcome. Now go to sleep.” 



Nodding, he closed his eyes, but the pain was still
there in his temples. His partner must have seen him
wince, cause suddenly he felt the bed shift and she
was sitting up beside him, her thigh against his arm.
He opened his eyes to find she had turned the
remaining lights out, and he closed them again as her
hands came to rest on either side of his head. He
sighed as she gently started rubbing his temples,
easing the pain to a dull ache, something he could
sleep with.  



Before he could tell her he was fine, and that she
could lie back down, he was already drifting off. The
soft, soothing motion of her hands, the smoothness of
her thigh and her delicate scent, were comforting and
familiar. It put his ill mind at ease, allowing him to
relax, and slip into a deep, much needed sleep. 



************* 



Harm woke sometime in the middle of the night. He
didn’t know what time. /Mac would,/ he thought
instantly. That’s the way it was. They way it had been
for years now. Mac always foremost on his mind. Even
the littlest things reminded him of her. He became
slightly more aware as he registered where he was, and
the position he was in. Mac was still in a slightly
reclined state, but fast asleep. Her head was tilted
back against the headboard, but her body had slipped
forward some, one knee bent up. Harm’s head was now in
her lap, or more precisely, on her stomach. 



Looking up at her, he decided he didn’t want her
waking up with a sore neck. Sore necks made for very
cranky Marines...besides, he wanted an excuse to touch
her soft skin. Carefully, he lifted his head off her
stomach. She mumbled in her sleep, the hand resting on
his shoulder, slid off, falling softly to the
mattress. Ignoring his still aching head, he turned
himself up onto his knees. He reached one hand to
cradle her head, the other grasping her bare hip, as
the loose shorts hung off them. Carefully, he lifted
her head and pulled gently at her hip, sliding her
down until she lay flat. She sighed in her sleep as he
pulled his hands away and she turned onto her side,
facing him. He smiled as he sat back, cross legged,
watching her for a few moments. She looked so
peaceful....so beautiful.  



Mac mumbled again in her sleep, before sighing and
shifting closer to Harm. He smiled once again, as he
settled back down, and she unconsciously moved closer
to the warmth of his body. Harm sighed, as he pulled
the covers up around them both. He continued to watch
her as the lyrics from that song he’d heard earlier
continued to lull through his head.  



I remember how you held me

the night my father died

I didn’t have to tell you

I just broke down and cried 



He brushed a stray lock of hair back off her cheek.
She had been there for him, when he had learned of
what had happened. After they had returned to their
hotel, he had finally allowed the dam to break and
neither had said anything as she had gathered him in
her arms, and let him cry his heart out.  



Everything I do

Leads me back to you 



Where would he be without her? He may never have found
out about his father without her. And if he had...he
wouldn’t have had that lifeline to hold onto
afterwards. The solid friendship to lean on. The
constant source of truth, honesty and comfort. 



You’re sewn into the fabric

the pieces of my life 



She was. She was his partner, his rival, his
challenge, his dose of reality, his voice of reason,
his conscience... She was his sounding board, his
student, his teacher, his daily kick in the six, knock
on the head, his shoulder to cry on, his crazy friend
to laugh with, his lap to lie in when he was sick or
hurt, his fellow officer to argue justice with, to
serve their country with... 

She was his best friend, his lifeline, his other half,
his soulmate. She was his everything. 



The thing was...she wasn’t *his*.  



Tonight he had seen a glimpse of her as she would been
as the mother of his children... The way she took care
of him...the way she’d always taken care of him. The
way he always wanted her to take care of him, and him
her. 



He let his finger trace her soft cheek as he watched
the steady rise and fall of her chest.

He would love to be the man to watch her sleep every
night for the rest of their lives. /But you blew that,
didn’t you Rabb?/ he scolded himself, remembering all
to clearly that messed up night in Sydney. Then he’d
further blown it by pestering her on the Guadalcanal,
and giving up so easily after the JAG-A-THON. Yes,
he’d wanted to rekindle their friendship, but...  



I just can’t remember why

we said goodbye 



He sighed, his thoughts raging. /Why did we have to
say goodbye? We should have tried harder! We belong
together, damnit!/ 



“Why Sarah?” he whispered, resting his aching head
against his pillow, and gently, carefully drawing her
sleeping form close.  



There must have been a reason, 

but I can’t remember now

I know if I could hold you

we could work it out 



Instinctively, she snuggled up to him with a contented
sigh. A happy, contented sigh. Was she just
comfortable? ...Of course she was. She was asleep. She
didn’t know he was holding her. But he knew it, and he
knew it was right. This was where she belonged.  



It was his turn to sigh. Was it too late? 



She was mumbling again, and he thought of pulling
away. How would she react to waking in his arms like
this?  



“Harm...” Her soft whisper startled him.  



Was she awake already? He looked down at her delicate
features, softened in sleep. Still asleep. So, she was
dreaming about him. That caused a small smile to grace
his features. /I guess I’m not alone... Maybe it’s not
to late. Maybe we don’t have to say goodbye to that
possibility. Maybe.../ 



He wanted to wake her. To tell her right then and
there, that he loved her and he didn’t want to forget
about what could be. But he didn’t. The time was so
close, but not now. Not in the middle of the night,
when her own sleep muddled mind would accuse him of
being delusional in his ill state. ...It wasn’t too
late, but he wasn’t going to push his luck. Soon. Very
soon. When they got home, and things were settled, he
would tell her. He wouldn’t let anything stand in his
way this time. He refused to say goodbye to a future
with the only woman he ever wanted to grow old with. 



Sighing, he gently kissed the tip of her nose, smiling
as she twitched and then settled once again,
peacefully in his arms. /We will work it out Marine. I
promise.../ he thought, drifting off to sleep with the
last lyrics of the song floating in his now clearer
mind. 



You’re sewn into the fabric

the pieces of my life

And girl let’s give it one more try

Cause I just can’t remember why

we said goodbye 



The End. 



Jaimi Copyright@2002