TITLE: "What We Leave Behind Us" Chapter 3 AUTHORS: Anne R. and Pat Steiner SUMMARY: Summer 2003. Paraguay is over. And life will never be the same. CLASSIFICATION/RATING: J/S/R/A PG for language and some violence. SPOILERS: A Tangled Webb especially, but in any of our work, any JAG episode may be referred to. FEEDBACK: If you're so moved but never expected nor begged for. Addy is ssbpmn@aol.com. Please however, we request you respect the work, and the effort that goes into writing it. NOTE: All parts of this story and previous chapters, as well as much of our other works, are available at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AnniePatJAGstories The message archives are open to all registered Yahoo users-no subbing required. Please ignore any notice of adult content you may see-there is no R nor NC17 content there. Other archives containing our stories: http://thearchive.mine.nu:85/exlibris/ or http://www.netroenterprises.com/exlibrisjag or BTL- http://www.wtv-zone.com/trgarchive/btl/ http://destined.to/btlarchive - {BTL H/M Fanfiction archive.} =================== Authors' note: A while back there was indication that had DJE not signed for season 9, JAG would have gone on. That Season 9 might in fact open with Mac weeping at Harm's grave. So herein is exactly that scenario. To keep in mind as you decide whether to invest in this story [and it will be an investment as it's not a story but a novel]: Harmon Rabb will not come back to life at the end. Not this time. And Mac and Clay are a factor. BUT—huge BUT—Harm is a big big part of the story. His presence is very there throughout. Also throughout the love that existed between Mac and Harm is a major player. We hope that everyone who normally reads our work will give this one a chance. But if you have to bail, or simply don't care to start, we of course understand. Our work receives phenomenal support and for that we are ever grateful. =========== From the Conclusion of Chapter 2— In the skies above, Mac knelt beside Clay, holding his hand. Much as she had done for Harm, powerless to do more. The medic leaned over his patient, fretting over the IV's and adding another pressure bandage. "Ma'am if it's any help, I don't think the wound itself is serious. I mean I'm guessing from where the bullet is lodged, in his shoulder blade there, that's just muscle. I doubt it hit anything vital." "Blood. He's lost so much blood," she gasped, wanting to take comfort from the young man's words and yet not letting herself. "Yes he has. And he's in shock, but he has the look of strength and health and my money would be on him. Besides, judging from how you're holding his hand, looks like he's got someone special to come out of this for." "Well not quite, but I don't want him to die either," she whispered. "I've seen enough death to last a thousand lifetimes. And he doesn't deserve to die. No matter what he did." She gave his hand a hard squeeze as if she could pass her strength to him. From somewhere in the darkness of space and time gone mad, Clayton Webb felt that pressure on his hand, and for a long moment it was his one link to life. It was calling to him. Calling to him to remain part of the fabric of life. At the same time he was receiving another message. The voice was oddly familiar and yet it was one he could not identify. Now repeating over and over in his brain and yet he could manage only the tones, not the substance of the message. =============== "It's not what we take when we leave this world behind us---it's what we leave behind us when we go". "What we Leave Behind Us" Chapter 3--- The only sound from Sierra on the way was a soft moan beneath the oxygen and Noah stroked her forehead with his free hand. Once inside the ER, his attempt to follow her into treatment was thwarted by a large grandmotherly type nurse, standing guard at the doors. "You go hang loose here son. We'll let you know." "Yeah. You be careful with her," Noah hissed, starting to turn away when suddenly he remembered. "Ma'am, wait. You had a chopper medivac who would have gotten here maybe twenty minutes ahead of us." "Oh right. Gunshot wound. He was bleeding bad." "Yes ma'am. How is he?" She shook her head. "He didn't stay here more than a minute. Not with that kind of bleeding. Took him right upstairs and I don't know. He was with a lady. Poor thing. Covered in his blood." "I know. Colonel Mackenzie. I need to check with her, but I don't want to leave Sierra," Noah sighed. "But Mr. Webb, he was still alive?" "Yeah when they took him he was of course. I can tell you it's not been long enough that he'd be out of surgery." Noah nodded, unsure of what to do. He wanted to reassure Mac, and yet he did not want to leave Sierra until he knew she would be OK. In the OR, the surgical team was working with rapid efficiency, pumping blood into Clay as fast as it was coming out while they repaired the damage. "OK looks good," Dr. Flaherty announced. The words were hardly out of his mouth when there came the one sound the staff most dreaded. The warning that a heart had stopped. "You were saying," the nurse groaned, readying the paddles with lightning speed. >>Clayton Aaron Webb was going home. He would see his dad. He'd been very young when his dad had left them. Young at least in comparison to now. Now he felt old. Old and tired. He was ready to rest. It was warm up ahead. Lying on the table there he had been so cold, but there was warmth awaiting him. His father would be there. Then in his head came that same voice he had heard faintly before. This time he not only heard the voice but the words. 'Webb, no. Not now. This is not right. You don't get off that easy. I won't let you leave her. She needs you'. How could Sarah need him? She all but hated him. Had told him there was no place for him in her life. His mind cried out in protest as he felt himself being sucked away. All the new-found warmth was leaving his body and he was. . .<< "Back Jay. Nice work. Normal sinus rhythm." He was back all right. He was again cold despite the blanket covering him. And he was still the object of Sarah Mackenzie's revile. That had not changed. Outside the OR Mac sat quietly. She was still covered with Clay's blood, refusing to change into the hospital sweats she'd been offered. Right now all she could do was sit and wait for the news. The news that Clay was dead. "Colonel" Noah said softly as he sat down beside her. "Ma'am how are you?" "He's dead. I know it. They just haven't told me." "Ma'am don't think that. He's going to be okay." "No" she shook her head, her eyes going to her blood stained shirt. "No. There's too much blood. Like when Harm died." Her eyes teared up and Noah reached a gentle arm around her. "Do you want to talk about that?" he asked. "We'd done the job. Everything was going to be okay. All we had to do was land the plane" she whispered. "But they'd hit the fuel tank and Harm had to make an emergency landing." "And you crashed?" "No" she shook her head. "He landed. But it wasn't all clearing." "He got hit by something," Noah said quietly. "A branch. It went right through his chest" she sobbed. "And he was bleeding and there was nothing I could do. We were in the middle of the jungle and there was nothing I could do." "I'm so sorry," Noah said as brought her against her while she cried. "But that's not going to be the case with Clay. He's going to be okay." "I don't want him to be okay" she sobbed. "I want Harm back." A moment later she realized what she had said and she sobbed harder for the darkness in her heart. Noah tightened his hold on her, feeling for the woman in his arms who had lost so much. And he prayed that the man in the OR would not make him a liar. She was still sobbing softly when the doctor came out of the OR a short time later and walked over to him and Noah. "Colonel he's going to be okay" Doctor Flaherty sighed. "It was touch and go there for a second but we're on the right path now." "Touch and go?" Noah asked. "We lost him for a minute" the doctor admitted. "He flat-lined on us. But we got him back real quick." "He was dead?" Mac whispered as she looked up at the doctor. "Just for a second. Like I said we got him back real quick. There shouldn't be any side effects from it. But he's in recovery right now and once I'm happy that he's stable, I'll let you see him." "Thank you" Noah nodded. The doctor walked away and Noah let out a long sigh. "See I told you he was going to be okay." "Sierra" Mac said suddenly. "Where is she? Is she okay?" "I left her to make sure you were okay." "No" Mac said as she pushed Noah away. "Go to her. She needs you. I'll be okay." "Ma'am you've been through a lot" Noah said softly. "I wasn't going to leave you until I knew Clay was okay." "Go to her. That's an order." "Tell me you're going to be okay first. You kind of flipped out on me at the cabin." "I know. And I hope we can keep that between you and me" she said quietly. "I've embarrassed myself enough today as it is." "No. You've just had to deal with more than a person should have to" Noah said gently. "And given that, your reaction was totally justified." "Go find Sierra. That's an order. And I'm not going to tell you again Lieutenant." "Yes ma'am right away. But please ma'am, ask them to help you get cleaned up. Sitting here soaked in his blood is not good for you and when they let you see him, he's going to freak. He's going to think it was you that was hurt. I know I would if I saw Sierra like that." "OK I can do that. But you go to Sierra. She's going to want you there." He needed no further urging and with a quick squeeze of her shoulder in commiseration, left her alone. After a few long breaths for courage and calm, she got to her feet and made her way to the nurses' station. "Ma'am you think there's a place I could get out of these things and is there a robe or something. . .?" "My lord look at this child," Alma Luder gasped. "Why didn't you say so. You got family in the OR? "Not family. A friend. Well not even that. He's. . " She gave up trying to quantify what she felt for Clay and simply nodded. "And Dr. Flaherty said he was going to recovery and that I could see him, but he's just being nice. He's going to come tell me he couldn't tell me before that he died." Alma threw back her head and laughed royally. "Baby Girl you have lost it. Let me tell you, if Dr. Flaherty said he was OK, you can be sure as far as he knows right now, that's the case. He doesn't mess with families. Believe me, if your friend had died, he would have walked up to you and said straight out--like I've heard him do many a time--I'm sorry. We did all we could." Mac shuddered at those words, managing a small smile. "Thanks. That helps." "And a shower, getting into those clean hospital sweats and some tea will do wonders while you're waiting." "Yes ma'am thank you," she breathed. It felt good to be taken care of. An hour later, holding her breath, she was led to Clay's bedside. A huge wave of sympathy washed over her at once. He had just recently recovered from the assault on his being that occurred in Paraguay, and now he was again close to death. "Hey" she whispered and the nurse smiled softly. "He may be able to hear you. We really don't know how much a person is aware of when they're. . ." She paused and frowned. "What did Dr. Flaherty say?" "That I could be with him when he was stable," Mac whispered. "Is there something I should know?" "Well right now he is perfectly stable. We're pleased with everything except. . .his level of consciousness." Mac looked puzzled, but only for a second. "Coma. You're telling me he's in a coma?" "Well we don't want to call it that quite yet," she soothed. "Sometimes after trauma especially, the mind simply shuts down for a while. Runs away. Just to regroup so to speak. Everything else is good. Just try to relax and give him a little time to come back from where he's run off to so to speak." Mac nodded numbly, sinking into the nearest chair and the nurse patted her shoulder, leaving her alone after making another check of the equipment. "I wish my mind could run away for a while," she sighed, staring into Clay's passive face for the next several minutes until anger rose inside her. "Clayton Webb if I don't get to run away, neither do you," she growled sharply, lifting his hand to take between hers. "So you got exactly thirty seconds to finish regrouping or whatever the hell you're doing, and get back here. I want to go home, and I can't do that until I know you're OK." To her enormous surprise he moaned softly and at once she leaned closer to him. "Clay can you hear me" she said in a softer tone. "Clay it's Mac. Can you hear me?" He moaned again and several seconds later he pushed open his eyes to look up at her. "Sarah" he whispered. "Yeah it's me. And it's about time you got with the program mister. How dare you think you can leave me alone in this world." Her words sounded suddenly familiar to him. Someone else had told him he couldn't leave Mac alone. But who that was and when his muddled mind could not remember. "Sierra?" he managed. "She's okay. Noah is with her. And Worley and DeLorean are dead. I don't know how Noah explained all that but I'm sure he handled it well." "Tired" he murmured as his eyes once again started to close. "Clay you're going to be okay" Mac whispered as she pressed his hand to her lips. "You hear me. In no time you're going to be out of here and you're going to be fine." "Glad you're okay" he managed before he drifted to sleep again. "And I'm glad you're okay" she sniffled, suddenly feeling teary again. Too much had happened in one day. And she'd relieved too many memories of Harm. She slipped out of Clay's room and made her way downstairs to find Noah and Sierra. She was finally directed to the room Sierra was in, Noah sitting quietly by her side. "How is she?" Mac asked softly. "They're keeping her for observation. But they said in the morning she should be released." "You need to get some rest Lieutenant." "I won't leave her ma'am. If she wakes up she'll be scared." "She'll be scared when she wakes up and sees you looking like you do" Mac said with a small smile. "And so will Clay." "Is he okay?" "He woke up for a minute. He wanted to know how Sierra was." "I'm glad. He's a good man. He went out on a limb to help Sierra." "Yes he is" Mac said softly. "Ma'am it wasn't his fault what happened to Mr. Rabb was it?" Noah said quietly. "No it wasn't" she whispered. "If I hadn't ever gone along with Clay, Harm would never have been there. And he would never have died. It's my fault. I've been blaming Clay and it's my fault." "Ma'am it's no one's fault. We don't control what happens in this world. Much as we'd like to think we do, we can't control our life. It's in God's hands." She nodded softly, tears sliding down her face. For the first time since Harm's death, she was finally beginning to realize that blaming Clay wasn't getting her anywhere. That nothing she did or said to Clay would bring Harm back. "I'm sorry" Noah whispered as he stood up and wrapped a gentle arm around her. "This has been a rough day for you hasn't it?" She could only nod as she cried even harder, Noah finally tucking the Marine Colonel against him as she sobbed. Sobbed for the man she'd lost. And the man she'd almost lost. A man who twice would have died to protect her. Sierra woke slowly; the sound of the sobbing bringing her from her drug induced sleep. "Noah" she murmured. "Right here" he called. "With the Colonel. How are you feeling?" "What happened?" she murmured. "Why do I feel so strange?" "You were drugged," he told her angrily. "That lousy bastard kept you drugged and didn't give anything to drink. You. . .I mean we. . .were lucky. You weren't that far from kidney failure. But you're going to be OK. The good news is both those guys are dead, and it's over for good." She nodded and focused on Mac, seeing Noah's arm still around her in comfort. "Ma'am are you OK? You don't look . . .Clay? He's OK isn't he? Everything is such a blur." "He was hurt pretty bad but he's doing OK now," Mac sniffled. "He saved my life." It was on the tip of Noah's tongue to say to Sierra--just like you did for me--but he held it in check. She had killed a man, and would have to come to grips with that fact at some point. "It's all a blur," she repeated and her hand groped for Noah's. "Take me home? Please." He shook his head, squeezing her fingers to his. "Sorry. No can do. You're staying the night at least." Her face fell and at once two tears appeared. "I hate hospitals. With a passion. Hospitals are where people die." Noah and Mac exchanged glances, suspecting there was a story there, and Mac quickly spoke up. "No one is dying. Not any one of us at least. But they're keeping you here to be sure you don't need any further treatment. Just go with it. Then tomorrow this cute guy here will take you home and wait on you hand and foot." "Oh right," she scoffed in reply. "No that's exactly what he's going to do," Noah smiled, blushing slightly at Mac's calling him cute. "You scared me bad this weekend. And you're not going to be alone until you're back on your feet, so that's exactly what's going to happen." "See there you go," Mac chided her. "Sometimes the men in our lives do come through for us. Mine. . .I mean Clay. . .saved my life. Again." Sierra nodded and her eyes drifted closed, comforted by the gentle pressure of Noah's hand on her forehead. "You're falling in love Lieutenant," Mac whispered with a soft smile. "Already there ma'am," Noah sighed and Mac nodded. "In that case, don't let it get away from you." "No ma'am. Ma'am I'm staying, but can I help you get home or what?" "No thanks. I'll hang out here until morning I think," she decided after a moment's thought. "Maybe you should call Cdr. Turner?" "Yeah I might," Mac nodded. "He's always saying let him know if I need anything. Poor guy. OK I'm going to wander back up to Clay. You get some rest yourself Lieutenant. That's an order. She's going to need you these next few days. You're not going to be any good to her exhausted." "Yes ma'am. I can sack out right here. I'll walk you back up." "No need. I'm fine. She's the one who needs you now. But Noah, for today--for what you did, and for taking charge like you did. . .well what else can I say but well done Lieutenant thank you." "Yes ma'am thank you," Noah blushed. Praise from a woman who's courage and tenacity he had come to admire greatly. ================ The room was in darkness sometime shortly before dawn. Noah slept in the chair by Sierra's bed, their hands wound together, the only sound being the soft hum of the IV monitor. From seemingly out of no where the scream filled the room. High pitched and terrified, and going on for what seemed like an eternity. By the time it ended, Sierra was sitting straight up in bed, tears rolling down her cheeks one after the other. Noah leaned over her at once, stroking her cheeks with the back of his hand. "Sierra honey wake up. It's OK. You're safe. You were having a nightmare." Before she could do more than writhe on the bed, the duty nurse was in the room. "OK why is my patient upset?" she demanded, giving Noah an accusing look. "Nightmare ma'am. It's OK. It was a horrible day for her. For all of us. I'll take care of her." "Get her to calm down or I'll have to give her something," she warned. "She needs her rest." "Yes ma'am right away," Noah assured her, leaning even more closely to Sierra as the nurse left. "Honey you're OK. I'm right here. Talk to me Sierra." Her eyes opened wide, and more tears fell. "I killed him didn't I?" she whispered. Noah's face fell as he realized she remembered what happened. Deep down he had hoped that she'd blocked it out. That she wouldn't have to deal with the fact that she'd killed another human being. "You remember," he said softly. "I'm sorry honey. It's my fault." "If I hadn't he would have shot you" Sierra said softly. "I'm sorry" he repeated. "No. I had to do it. If I hadn't, you might be dead. And I couldn't bear that." More tears pooled in her eyes and Noah reached for her. "I owe you my life" he whispered. "And I owe you mine. I would have died up there if you hadn't come." "I couldn't bear the thought of losing you either" Noah admitted. "You've gotten to me Major. More than you realize." "I'm so tired" she sighed. "I want to talk to you but I want to sleep." "Sleep then honey. We'll have plenty of time to talk later. All that matters is you're going to be okay." "You won't leave?" she murmured as she fell back against the pillows, her hand reaching for his. "No way" he promised. "I'm staying right here." Several floors above Mac lay sleeping in the lounge outside the ICU area where Clay was being monitored over night. She wasn't sure why she'd suddenly been compelled to spend the night at the hospital near Clay, only that she knew she had to. He'd saved her life. Risking his own to do so. And then suddenly Harm was there with her. Since his death, she waited for the moment when he'd come to her. Prayed for that moment. And now it was there. "Sarah." It was his voice, just as she'd remembered it. And yearned to hear for so long now. And a gentle touch on her arm. Warmth surrounding her for the first time since Harm's death. "Harm" she murmured. That she was dreaming meant no matter to her. Harm was there with her. "Sarah listen. He loves you. Take care of him." "Clay?" "Yes Sarah. He needs you." "I need you" Mac whispered. "I want you back with me." "Sarah I love you. Nothing will ever change that." "And I love you. I miss you so much." "One day Sarah. But right now you need to take care of Clay. He almost died saving you." "I thought he was dead. Like you." "No Sarah. There are plans for him. You'll see." "Harm don't leave" she whispered. "Please." She awoke suddenly and looked around, realizing she was alone in the lounge. Harm was gone again. But for a moment she'd felt him with her. He still loved her. And he always would. "Ms. Mackenzie" the nurse said as she walked into the lounge. "Mr. Webb is awake but he's very upset because he's afraid you're not okay. I don't want to sedate him again since he's just woken up." Mac followed the nurse to the ICU room and quickly made her way over to Clay's side. "Clay I'm here" she said as she took his hand in hers. "I'm okay." "Sarah" he breathed. "Yes it's Sarah. I'm here Clay. Just relax." It was the first time she'd allowed him to call her Sarah since Harm's death. Every other time she'd screamed at him when he'd done so. But now it seemed all right. He opened his eyes and focused on her, seeing at once the exhaustion in her face. "You should go home and get some rest" he murmured. "I'm watching over you and Sierra" she informed him. "When I know everyone is okay, then I'll go. But for now you're stuck with me." "Noah?" "He's with Sierra, and before you ask, she's OK. Physically. She's going to have to deal with the fact that she killed a man today." "The first one is always the hardest. Sarah. . .I mean Mac. . .," he paused to gather his thoughts and she shook her head. "No it's OK. I mean, if you'd rather Sarah, it's OK." "Sure?" "Yeah. I'm sure." She gave his hand a firm squeeze to emphasize her words. "Maybe I should almost die more often." "No. NO." She clamped her hand over her mouth the second she realized how loudly she had shouted her denial. "Sorry. No. Don't think like that. I've seen all the death in my lifetime I want thank you." "I had to see you were OK. I just keep kind of going in and out. I'm not sure what's real. But your hand says this is." "This is very real," she smiled. "You saved my life." "Couldn't let you die," he murmured. "Anyway, Harm was here." Her eyes widened and her breath caught sharply in her throat. "He was here? With you?" "In my dream. He said there's plans for me. I didn't understand." For a long second Mac could not reply. 'Plans'. Exactly what Harm had told her. "SSHHhh OK now. Just sleep OK. You need to get better." "OK, just can you stay?" "Sure." With that assurance, Clay's eyes closed and he allowed himself to sleep, a small smile on his face. 'He loves you' Harm had told her. The words echoed in the canyons of her mind as she watched Clay sleep, his pale face looking even more so in the artificial lighting. "Harm I can't love him," she whispered. "I won't let myself. I love you. And only you." ================== NOON Following Day "My god can't leave you people alone for two seconds." Sturgis's voice boomed from the doorway of Sierra's room. "Sir," Noah got to his feet at once, bringing Sierra's hand with him, causing her to yelp in surprise. "OK as you were," Sturgis ordered, walking to the bed. " Lieutenant you look like hell and Campbell you don't look much better." "Yes sir, thank you," Sierra giggled. "I was just telling this guy to go home." "Sounds like sound advice to me," Sturgis nodded. "Yes sir, but sir she's pending the doctor checking her and she may be allowed to go too," Noah objected. "And then there's the little matter of I don't want to leave her." "Right. Never would have guessed that part," Sturgis smiled, looking to where their hands were joined. "Now where would I find Colonel Mackenzie?" "Four floors up sir," Noah gestured. "She's staying with Mr. Webb I guess. For a while there no one would say that he was going to be OK." Sturgis nodded. "OK you two hang loose and let me go check on them." "Sir please," Sierra spoke up. "If they don't let me go, please make this guy go home and rest," "Abso-tively," he grinned, laughing lightly at Noah's suddenly sour face. Sturgis made his way upstairs finding Mac dozing at Clay's bedside. "Times have changed a little," he whispered, dropping his hand onto her shoulder. She was awake at once, and with a small cry of gladness to see him, a second later had flung herself against him, needing his comforting arms at that moment. "You two want to be alone?" Clay murmured from his bed, managing to get one eye partly open. "What did this man get you into this time?" Sturgis asked Mac as she dropped back down into the chair. "It wasn't his fault Sturgis. It's because of him that Sierra's alive. And me too." "Okay what happened?" "Short version, he saved me life" Mac started before Clay could. "If he hadn't taken that bullet, well I'd probably be having a nice reunion with Harm right now. Which wouldn't have been all that bad I guess." "No I like you much better here" Sturgis sighed. "Thank you Clay. You know how much this lady means to everyone." "I know. And I'm just glad I saw it coming when I did" Clay said quietly. "Okay why don't we let Clay get some rest and we can talk outside" Sturgis urged. "And I am here to take you home. You need some rest." "I couldn't go anywhere until I knew Clay was okay" Mac countered. "And even know I'm not comfortable with leaving him." "Sarah I'm fine. He's right. You need rest. I don't want you hanging out here all day. Find Noah and Sierra and get out of here." Sturgis waited for the backlash from Mac at the use of her given name but it never came. Obviously a lot had changed in a short time. "Well even if I do leave, I'm coming back later" she told Clay. "You don't have to do that." "Yes I do. For a lot of reasons. But right now I am feeling very much in need of a shower and maybe a short nap. Provided that Sierra and Noah are coming with us." "They were waiting for word on her discharge" Sturgis replied. "Once we have that, we can go." "Sturgis will you go back and check" Mac asked. "I just want to talk to Clay a little more before I go." "Of course" he nodded. "I'll be downstairs if you need me." Sturgis walked out and Clay let out a long sigh. "He loves you. It's so obvious now. I couldn't figure out why he hated me so much before but it's because he loves you." "He knows it won't work." "Knows what won't work?" Clay frowned. "Me and him" Mac admitted. "For a while we were getting closer. I needed someone and he was there. But then when we tried to make it into more, it just wasn't right." "Will it ever be right Sarah?" he asked softly. "Do you think you could ever love anyone but Harm again?" "Honestly Clay I don't know. Right now my heart says no. That the only man who will ever have my heart is Harm." "He would have wanted you to go on." Mac nodded as she blinked back tears. Thinking about him like this still brought tears and Clay gently reached for her hand. "I'm sorry he's gone. You know I would have traded my life in a second for his. Anything to take away that haunted look in your eyes." "One day" she whispered. "One day I'll be with him again." "Hopefully not for a long time" Clay said softly. "You are very much loved here on this earth Sarah Mackenzie. Much more than you realize." "Thank you. Will you be okay if I leave?" "I think they're taking pretty good care of me," he said with a small smile. "I'll be fine. You go get some rest and make sure Sierra and Noah are okay." "Sierra especially. She's got a lot to deal with." "Yes she does. And you need to be there for her. I'll be fine." Mac nodded and leaned down and dropped a kiss on his lips. "You take care. I'll be back later." She had kissed him. She walked out the door and he was still yet to breathe. She had kissed him. Like Paraguay she had kissed him. "Comfort Webb, comfort and relief that you're OK," he counseled himself. Still. . .she had kissed him. ================== When Mac reached Sierra's room, Noah was helping her from her bed. "Guess what Colonel she gets to go home," he grinned. "Under your care Lieutenant?" "Uh. . .well yes ma'am. I'm going to run by my place and get a few things and then stay with her until she's more on her. . ." Mac held up her hand for him to stop. "Already too much information. I need to talk to Sierra for a minute. You'll excuse us Lieutenant?" "Uh yes ma'am but. . " "Noah out," Mac laughed, relief over Clay making her mood light. "I just need a few words with her and then she's all yours and don't take that too literally please." "Yes ma'am. No ma'am." Noah turned to Sierra. "You going to be OK?" "Out," Mac screeched before she could answer. Noah gave Sierra's cheek a quick kiss and fled. "He's cute," Mac giggled, taking Sierra's arm and helping her to sit on the bed. "Yeah he is," she laughed and turned quickly serious. "Ma'am is there a problem with what's happening between him and me?" "No. Not at this moment," Mac assured her quickly. "Just remember discretion in the office. No I wanted to mention to you what happened in the cabin. What you did. What you had to do." Her face fell slightly and she drew a deep breath. "I had to." "I know you did. You saved Noah's life and probably your own and Clay's and mine for that matter. I'm sure he would have finished all of us off given the chance." "I had to," she repeated. "Are you convincing yourself?" "I guess a little," she admitted after a long moment. "Have you ever. . .had to?" "Yes. More than once." "You get used to it then," Sierra sighed. "No you don't," she returned sternly. "And pray to God you never get used to taking a life. Anyway, I know this is not a good time for this. You're tired and want to go home to your own bed and some TLC from Nervous Noah out there. I'm tired and worried about Clay. But I wanted to make sure you knew that any feelings you might be having of guilt, nightmares, anything like that are normal. What you're not to do is keep it inside yourself. You talk--to Noah, to me, to Sturgis or his dad the minister. Or to someone from psych at Bethesda if a stranger would be easier." "I guess. I can think about it. " "Do, because I don't want to make it an order. Now get out of here. Go home and rest, and let Noah take care of you." "Mac aren't you coming?" "I'm not sure," she sighed, guiding her through the door. "Right now my bed is sounding wonderful too." "Actually Mac I was thinking of calling the Admiral and asking him to make it an order," Sturgis said softly, slipping a supporting arm around her waist. "Come on. Clay is fine. Let me take you home. I'll bring you back to be with him after you've had a shower and food and some sleep. Promise." "I don't know," she hesitated. "I do. Move it Colonel." Reluctantly she allowed him to lead her to the car and it wasn't but five minutes into the ride that she was sound asleep in the passenger seat. "Hey sleepyhead" he said when they arrived at her apartment. "Wake up." "Was I asleep long?" she murmured as she pushed her eyes open. "Only the whole way" Sturgis smiled. "Come on. Let's get you upstairs so you can get some food and sleep." "I am sort of hungry," she admitted. "I figured you might be. Why don't you go take a long shower and I'll run down to the corner deli and get us some sandwiches." "Thanks that actually does sound like a good idea" Mac sighed. "You don't mind." "Not at all. I happen to enjoy your company remember. Even if you haven't been around much." "Sturgis" she started. "I know. We'll talk later." Mac stayed in the shower until the hot water gave out, finally wrapping herself in her robe before heading out to the kitchen. "Sturgis?" she called. "I was just going to see if you were drowning in there" he smiled. "I've got food." They enjoyed sandwiches in the kitchen before Mac motioned him to follow her to the living room. "Thank you. I needed that." "I bet. It's been a long twenty four hours for you." "I thought he was going to die just like Harm did" Mac said softly. "It was just like relieving the nightmare in Paraguay all over again." "He risked his life for you" Sturgis said softly. "That shows how much he cares." "When we were in Paraguay, we were starting to get closer. I don't know why but we just did. Maybe because when I left, Harm and I had been so distant." "So you do have feelings for Clay." "I don't know," she admitted. "After Harm's death, I was so caught up in hating him I just blocked everything else out. I needed to blame someone and Clay was the person. He was an easy target and full of self-loathing anyway so he didn't resist.." "But that's all changed?" "Sturgis I know it probably doesn't make much sense" she sighed. "And honestly I can't explain it either but suddenly all my anger at Clay is gone." "Because he saved your life." "Not just because of that. Like I said I can't explain it. It just happened." She stopped short of telling him about her visit from Harm. It was something she wasn't quite ready to share just yet. "So what you're telling me is you don't hate him anymore," Sturgis said quietly. "And that you do have feelings for him." "No I don't hate him. But I don't know what I'm feeling right now. I guess what I'm saying is I'd like to try and find out what I am feeling." "With Clay." "Yes" she said softly. "Sarah you know I care about you" he sighed. "And honestly, I think you're making a mistake here. Clayton Webb isn't going to do anything but hurt you. And not even on purpose. But look at what he does Sarah. Do you really want a man like that in your life?" "I don't know Sturgis. But I know that I owe it to myself to not walk away from him again." "All right. I know I'm delving into territory that could be easily considered none of my business," Sturgis sighed. "No. No please don't think that ever," Mac urged. "In the first place if that's what I thought, I'd have told you that straight up. I care a lot about you--and for you. I wouldn't have made it through these weeks without you some of the time. I owe you for that for the rest of my life." "Well I could tell you I was only doing what Harm wanted, but that's only part of it," Sturgis told her seriously. "I care for you too Sarah, and before. . .well it just wasn't the right time, and I know and accept that but I haven't given up hope for the future." "I know, but you know what, you're far too good a man to just wait for me," she whispered. "You deserve a whole lot better than the emotional basketcase I am. Frankly so does Clay but something seems to be drawing us together. It's almost like there's some kind of force we can't. . .well I can't. . .control that's sucking me towards him. Something is making me let it too, that's what's so scary." "Mac he's going to hurt you," he repeated softly. "But I know that's not what you want to hear so I'm getting off that. Please promise that you won't let anything stop you from coming to me for anything you need." "I won't. But you know, I don't know what's going to happen here. I just know that I need to see this through. That I can't hate him any more. My heart is finally listening to my head on that score. That there's more than enough blame to go around including over me." "I understand, honestly I do," Sturgis told her sincerely. "I'm happy to be your friend." "OK then promise me you'll always be that." "I will. In return for your promise about coming to me." "Deal." She giggled and held out her hand for his shake. At the same time he took her hand, she leaned forward and kissed the corner of his mouth. "You know I love you. Just not the way you wish I could." "Yeah." He smiled at her kiss and rose to go. "Get some rest. Call me if you need anything. And when you've gotten some sleep and you're ready I'll take you back to Clay." "Thank you," she whispered gratefully. Here was a friend. A real friend. ================ Lt. SIERRA GAMBOL's APT Vienna VA "See you're not as well as you thought you were," Noah scolded, listening to her pant by the time they had reached the top of the second floor landing with one flight to go. "Just a little out of it from lying around," she returned through clenched teeth, adding an oft- heard grimace from boot camp. "I'll make it sir." "Yeah I know you will," he replied, and before she knew what was happening he had lifted her into his arms. "You are so dead." "When you're back a hundred percent you and me and weapons of your choice," he teased, easily carrying her the remaining twelve steps and carefully setting her at her door. Once inside he stood uncertainly, remembering that he had vowed to stay with her but not wanting to force himself on her. A second later she answered the question. "Hey you look as exhausted as I am. That couch pulls out into the most comfortable thing for movie watching I've ever owned, and we could order a pizza." "Are you asking me to stay?" "I'm begging you to stay. I don't want to be alone right now." "Why?" Noah frowned at once. "What's wrong? You're not feeling well again? Should I take you to the hospital?" "No. I'm okay. Well as okay as I'm going to get at the moment. I just don't want to sleep alone. In case the nightmare comes back." He nodded his understanding. "I'm sorry. I wish I could make that all go away." "I'll settle for you staying here instead," Sierra said softly. "Deal. Now why don't you get the bed ready while I go find something to relax in besides these hospital sweats? And of course order the pizza." "Consider it done ma'am" he smiled and added a quick salute for good measure. When she returned the sofa bed was made up and he was resting comfortably on it. "Pizza will be here soon. Come and get comfortable." "Have I thanked you for everything you've done" she sighed. "Starting with saving my life. I can't believe I was so stupid to get myself in that mess." "I hope you've learned your lesson." "Which lesson is that?" Sierra asked. "The one about telling your partner what you're doing before you go off on something like that." "Noted. Said partner will tell partner next time she's about to do something stupid so he can cover her six." "Thank you. I'm happy now." "I just wanted to help the Colonel out. The case was going nowhere and I wanted to give her the break she needed." "And almost got yourself killed in the process" Noah said softly. "And Clay" Sierra sighed. "He's going to be okay. And if anything, you may have caused her to look a little more favorably upon him. He risked his life to save her and he never backed down from finding you." "I owe him a lot too. But I'm glad that at least he and the Colonel are talking again. He's not a bad person. And he's sort of cute too." "Well thankfully he's too old for you." "Says who?" Sierra laughed. "Me. And it's good to hear you laugh." "You're good for me Lieutenant," she admitted. "You're not going to let me get down on myself about what happened are you?" "No way. Yeah you messed up but in the end all that matters is the bad guys are dead and everyone else is going to be okay. And you did what you had to do." "I wonder if I'll ever stop seeing his face" she sighed. "I hope so. And please don't keep this bottled up if it starts bothering you. You've got me. Or Mr. Turner or the Colonel." "I know. I think I can work through it okay on my own." ************** Clay pushed his eyes open the next morning, surprised to once again see Mac at his side. "Hi" she said softly. "How are you?" "You didn't have to come back again" he murmured. "I'm sure you have other things to worry about besides me." "I'll be checking up on Sierra later. But first I wanted to make sure you were okay." "Tell me I'm getting out of here soon." "Not yet mister. Maybe to a regular room but that's about it. You almost died in case you forgot that. I know I sure haven't." "Sarah I'm okay. You don't have to stay here and hover." "I want to hover. It's the least I can do." "A few days ago you didn't even want to be in the same room with me" he said quietly. "Now you're hovering." "I can't explain it Clay," she said as she reached for his hand. "And I'm not even going to try. But I have been way to hard on you. You weren't responsible for Harm's death. I finally realize that." "Thank you. I blame myself a lot--you know that." "Well I bear a huge amount of that blame too." "I think we need to stop that. If we don't, we're never going to get past it." He looked down to where their hands were joined. "Get past it and move on." "I want you to come stay with me while you're healing," she heard herself say, as much to her surprise as his. "I. . .I can't." "Yes you can. You're not going to be able to manage for yourself. Not right away. And wouldn't you rather have me than a stranger?" "Well that's for sure. No way am I letting someone in the house I don't know. But still. . ." "It's a done deal. The Admiral has offered me leave so many times I've lost track but I didn't want to stay home and just. . .well you know what I do when I'm alone. So I've always preferred to be at work but I can take a week to make sure you're back on your feet." "I'm not a good patient." "That's OK. I don't have good bedside manner. We'll get along fine." ============ 1 Week Later "Sturgis do you realize that there's no way I can die and go be with Harm for two hundred years because it's going to take me that long to repay all you've done--not to mention all you're probably going to get stuck doing," Mac sighed, meeting him in the hospital coffee shop. Sturgis had come to the hospital to assist her in getting Clay back to her place, for which she was extremely grateful. "Pay it forward," he grinned. "My dad said that forty years ago--long before it became a movie." "I will. This would be the time where you caution me about what I'm getting myself in to." "No need," he frowned and shook his head. "You're a big girl. I missed you while I was in Kings Bay though. How was the week? Obviously Clay is doing well if they're letting him go." "Well his big problem right now is that his arm is strapped down except for when he's having therapy so he's pretty limited as to what he can do for himself; and of course driving is out so he needs to be taken back and forth for his treatments." "And you and him this week?" "Honestly I've not spend that much time with him, since I knew I was taking this next week off. I was getting as much as I could cleared up, and then I was trying to be careful not to wear myself out driving here every night." "Good for you," he approved. "So what now?" "You can--if you don't mind--go up and make sure they're getting him ready like they promised, and I'll go spring him at the desk." "You got it." When Sturgis reached Clay's room he found the agent sitting on the edge of the bed, dressed in hospital sweats with his arm, as Mac had said, strapped down to his chest. "Mr. Webb," he greeted him quietly. "Cdr. Turner," Clay returned. "Mac said you were coming. Thank you. Could you call me Clay?" "Maybe but you need to hear what I've got to say first." "OK, but I think I know what it is. Something about how we both care a helluva lot for Sarah Mackenzie and it wouldn't be healthy for me to hurt her." "Mr. Webb that pretty much covers it. I think we have an understanding," Sturgis nodded, stepping forward to his bedside. "Clay can I give you a hand." "Thanks Sturgis." Clay offered him his hand and Sturgis assisted him from the bed. "Sturgis, let me say before Sarah gets back up here, that I know you have feelings for her too. And I do appreciate your not pressuring her." "Well it wasn't right at the time. Doesn't mean it won't be in the future," he replied, forming his words carefully. "I'm not going to rule myself out of her life if that's what you're hoping." "No it's not," he replied. "She needs a friend like you. In fact we both do." "You've got it. What I want to know is what happens to her when you take off again. After you heal, and you vanish for weeks or even months at a time and no one can even know if you're alive." "That's been on my mind too. I don't want that for her. So right now I don't have an answer for that but I will when it becomes an issue." "See that you do." It was those words that Mac heard when she entered the room. "You boys playing nice?" "We're fine," Sturgis assured her. "Just a little man talk. Are they bringing a wheelchair?" "Right behind me." "OK but he'd better not think I'm pushing him. Ironside he's not." An hour later Sturgis and Mac assisted him up the steps to her apartment and Mac headed them towards the bedroom. "Wait no" Clay sighed. "No way am I taking your bedroom." "You can't sleep on the sofa with that arm. And mine doesn't pull out into a bed. So I'm taking the sofa for the week and you're taking the bed." "No. Sarah this isn't right. I can't take your bed." "You have no choice. It's my bed, or your bed with some strange lady named Helga prodding at you." "Fine" he sighed. "But I really didn't mean to inconvenience you like this." "Clay it's no big deal" Mac assured him. "I can sleep on a sofa for a few days." Sturgis helped him down on the bed and Clay leaned back against the pillows, exhausted from the little bit of effort. "Pill for you and then some rest" Mac smiled. "You stay put while I get your medicine." She turned and left the room, Sturgis giving Clay a long look. "This is pretty convenient for you. I hope you know better than to try anything." "Even if I could, you know I wouldn't do that to her" Clay hissed. "I happen to care about her." "Good. Let's keep it that way." "Mac I'm going to get out of here" Sturgis said as he met her in the kitchen where she was getting the pill and water. "If you need anything, you know the number." "Thank you" she said as she put down the glass of water to give him a hug. "You're a good friend and I don't know what I'd do without you." "Your welcome. And if this guy starts getting on your nerves or you need a break, let me know." "I think we'll be okay" Mac smiled. "Honestly. I needed some time off anyway. And now that Malinda and Carter are up to speed, I don't feel so bad about taking off." "You know the Admiral's wedding is coming up," he said quietly. "You didn't sound like you were going to go before. I hope that's changed. And if so, I'd like to accompany you." "I'm still thinking" Mac sighed. "Most likely I'll go. It's going to be the last time I see them for a while." "Let me know if I can take you" he smiled. "And now I'm going to get out of here. If you need anything, holler." "I will. Thanks." She watched him go before heading back to the bedroom with Clay's medicine and some water. "Everything okay?" he asked. "If this is going to be too much for you" "I am fine Clay. Now take your pill so you can get some rest. You are far from being back to normal." "Would you mind sitting with me for a bit?" he asked. "Till I fall asleep." "I think I can manage that. Do you need anything else first? You comfortable enough?" "Comfortable as I'm going to be with my arm strapped like this," he said with a small smile. "If you need anything, let me know." "Sarah I'm fine. You don't have to go overboard here." "Sorry. I just feel like I owe you." "You don't. So stop worrying. I want you to relax a little too you know." "Sturgis asked me about the Admiral's wedding" Mac sighed. "At first I had no intention of going. But I guess it would be selfish of me not to be there." "I had planned on going" Clay sighed. "Course now I'm not sure with this arm like this. And I don't want to bother you." "Clay it's no bother if I'm going. I'll just plan on picking you up and taking you. Sturgis wanted to accompany me but. . ." "He warned me not to hurt you" Clay said with a small smile. "Like I haven't already done that." "You aren't responsible for Harm's death. And if I can let go of that, so can you." "I'm not sure I can. When I look in your eyes and see all the hurt, I don't know if I can." "Maybe one day someone will take the hurt away" Mac said softly. "I'll never forget Harm but he's gone. And I'm going to have to go on." "I wouldn't want you to forget him," he replied seriously, reaching for her hand. "He was a huge part of your life for a lot of years, but you know what he would want. That you would be happy. That may or may not be with me, but he would want that. As do I." She sniffled softly and nodded. "I know you do. And Sturgis too. Grams is always there to listen. I'm just really lucky. And I want to be able someday to say I was lucky to have known him, except that when I try that, it just comes back to the time we wasted." "Yeah," he agreed quietly and with his free hand touched her belly. "You know what I was praying for--that you and Harm had maybe had a real goodbye before you left. And that he'd left you his baby." Her sniffle turned to a long sob that she finally swallowed down. "I wish. I walked out on him that night Clay. He called out to me and I just kept on walking. Figured I'd left him with something to think about and maybe when I got back it would give us a good starting point. God I was so stupid." "Hindsight Sarah," he whispered. "I've got it coming out every orifice of my body over how we might have done differently." "Well we need to stop, both of us. I'm going to get us some dinner underway." "You're cooking?" "Silly man." ============= 10 Days Later "OK I've made a decision," Mac announced, coming in from work and dropping her attaché case with a large thud. "Yes ma'am. I've overstayed my welcome and I'll be out of here in an hour," Clay gulped, quickly shutting off the TV. "What? Oh good grief not that. I'm enjoying your company," she groaned. "No it's about the wedding. The caterer is demanding a final count. So I'm going. So are you. So is Sturgis." "Wow. You turn me on when you're being assertive," he teased. "It's next Saturday right?" "Yes it is. 1700 at the Ft. Myer chapel, Chaplain Turner doing the honors; dinner and dancing to follow at the Army-Navy country club. I have nothing to wear." "What woman ever does," Clay laughed. "And is this some kind of weird threesome, you and me and Sturgis." "Will you be serious. He offered to pick us up and I took him up on it. So where's your tux Mr. Webb?" ============ SATURDAY AFTERNOON An hour before the appointed time, Sturgis arrived and Mac let him in, stepping back with a quick flourish. "Wow." The comment she expected, and she had the good grace to blush. "You like?" "No. I always say that when a woman opens the door to me just to be polite," he smiled. "Yes I like. The dress is beautiful and you are more so but more than that, you look. . .well pretty happy or content or something Colonel. I'm impressed. You must be looking forward to the evening." "Very much so," she said softly. "But in all honesty up till about noon I was ready to call it off. Well me going at least. It seemed so wrong." "So what changed your mind?" he frowned. "Well that's what's kind of funny." She shook her head. "Or not, depending on whether you think I'm losing my mind. See I picked the dress up last night, and hung it on the hook on back of my closet door since I knew I was going to wear it today. Then after tossing and turning all night and finally at dawn I decided I wasn't going. I got up, used the bathroom, had some juice, and put the dress in the back of the closet. The decision was made and I went to sleep. Thing is--when I got up again at noon the dress was back on its hook. Not only that but the shoes I had bought were out of their box sitting under the dress." "Well obviously at some point you woke up, changed your mind again, got out not only the dress but the shoes as well and went back to bed. You were probably half asleep and don't even remember doing any of that. What's the big deal?" "That's exactly it. Sturgis, it's kind of scary if I'm doing stuff and not remembering it. Anyway, so I saw the dress and shoes hanging there and it was like it was a sign I should go." "And you seem happy about the decision." "Well yeah," she smiled. "As soon as I started getting ready, I knew it was right. Anyway, thank you for that wow and lets go see if Clay managed to get dressed on his own." Clay greeted them at the door, and had the same reaction as Sturgis, not bothering to stop himself from staring. "You always are so beautiful. But today you just look even more incredible." "Thanks" she blushed. "You don't look so bad yourself." "It's just a tux. But you are going to have every man looking at you." "It's getting a little thick Clay" Sturgis groaned. "Hey a woman doesn't mind hearing things like this" Mac smiled. "And thank you both for saying them." "Shall we?" Sturgis sighed. "We shall" Clay said as he took Mac's arm and walked her to the car. Sturgis simply shook his head as he followed behind them. There was a connection there. Something he obviously couldn't compete with. The Chapel at Ft. Myer was full of JAG staff and Meredith's family as the trio entered. "Hey I didn't know Francesca was coming" Clay said as he spotted AJ's daughter at the front of the chapel. "We should go say hello." "I'm not sure," Mac said quietly. "Well you don't have much choice. She's coming this way." "Clayton, Mac, it is good to see you" Francesca said as she approached them. "Mac I am so sorry to hear about Harm. This must be very difficult for you." "I'm doing okay," Mac said softly. "Thankfully I have friends that have been there for me." "Aren't you going to introduce us?" Sturgis smiled. "I'm Sturgis Turner." "Francesca Paretti" she smiled. "AJ's daughter." "Very nice to meet you. Obviously you're not from around here." "Oh no. I live in Italy. I am hoping to convince Pappa and Meredith to come and visit after their honeymoon." "Excuse me" Mac murmured as she slipped away. Clay immediately followed her outside where she took several deep breaths to keep back the tears. "You okay?" he asked. "I don't know why I thought I could do this" she whispered. "Because I can't. I want to be happy for the Admiral and Meredith but I can't. I just keep thinking how unfair it is." Tears pooled in her brown eyes and Clay gently pulled her into his arms. "Hey no one expects you to get over Harm over night. And of course it's hard for you to be happy when you've lost the person you love. But you can get through this." "I can't Clay." "Yes you can. We're going to go back in there together and we're going to get through it. He's been like a father to you Sarah. You owe him at least staying for the wedding." She nodded, knowing he was right but at the same time not sure she could get through the ceremony. "All right" she said finally. "All right. Yes I can do this." "Of course you can," he said as he reached for her hand. "You're not alone." They walked inside together, finding a spot next to Noah and Sierra in the back of the chapel. "Ma'am you okay?" Sierra asked softly. "I'm okay," Mac said with a deep breath. It wasn't until AJ and Meredith repeated their vows that she again felt the tears, hearing the words. "To have and to hold, as long as we both shall live." She sniffled hard, a few tears escaping down her cheek. Clay handed her his handkerchief and she gently dabbed it against her wet cheeks. At the same time he reached for her other hand, squeezing it gently in his. "Thank you" she whispered. When it was over, she forced a smile as they made their way through the receiving line. "Mac I'm so glad you came" Meredith whispered as she gave Mac a hug. "Congratulations" she whispered. "I'm happy for you two. Honestly I am. You two are going to have some wonderful years together." "We're looking forward to it" Meredith smiled. "And we hope you'll come down and visit us once we're settled." "I'll try" Mac nodded before moving on to AJ. "I wasn't sure you were coming," he said softly as he hugged her. "But I'm glad you did." "It was beautiful sir" she sniffled. "You saw yourself there didn't you?" AJ asked gently. "Yes sir with Harm of course," she admitted. "Frankly, I saw myself there with them four or five years ago. For now I saw myself sitting here with him, me large with our second child while Harm's son sits between us. And good grief someone make me shut up. Clay? Isn't that your place?" "Uh sorry dear. Asleep at the switch," Clay smiled. "Why don't we go get some punch." AJ watched Clay escort Mac to the refreshments and with his eyebrow raised, gestured in their direction when Sturgis shook his hand. "You approve of that?" "Uh. . .well sir, it's not my place to approve or disapprove, long as he doesn't hurt her," he replied slowly. "So right now I'm just biding my time. If it turns out he makes her happy, sure-- that's fine. If he does anything that makes her suffer, well I had an uncle who used to say he was going to open up a can of whup-ass." AJ nodded thoughtfully. "Then I can count on you to look after her interests since I won't be here." "Yes sir. I think all of us, to include Clay much as I hate to admit it, want her to be happy." "Amen Commander." The receiving line soon broke up as the guests dispersed to the buffet tables. "Look at that food. Starving agent here," Clay smiled. "Mac have you not been feeding this man?" Lieutenant Carter Wynne had caught up to the two of them. His partner of the same rank, Malinda Hannon was at his side, and his hand was at her back as they navigated the crowd. "Are you kidding? The last time I was in the Safeway the cashier I know looked at my cart and since she could remember the few things I used to buy, she goes--you open a Bed and Breakfast in Georgetown?" "Nothing like saying I eat you out of house and home," Clay groaned and just as he did so, stumbled slightly. Carter and Mac both reached for him, but it was Sturgis who actually kept him from falling. "Clay what happened? You OK?" Mac's concern was deep and immediate, and evident on her face. "I think he's just been on his feet too long," Sturgis observed. "Webb, stop socializing and lets get your plate filled and you sitting down before you turn this wedding into something that should get first prize on Funniest Home Videos." "Yeah I'm a little rocky," he admitted. "Sorry to be such a pain." "Well you should be used to it by now," Sturgis told him. "Mac I'll make him sit and you bring his food? Is he allergic to something that's going to make him break out in hives and scratch? If so, load his plate." "Cute Turner. On all counts," Clay groaned, allowing Sturgis to guide him to a chair. To Clay's surprise Sturgis dropped into the chair next to his and he gave him a quizzical frown. "I'll sit with you until Mac comes back," he explained. "I'm OK really," Clay assured him. "Right. That's why you're pale and your hands are shaking," Sturgis told him, handing him his water glass. "I'll stay with you for a minute. For Mac." "It does all come down to her doesn't it," Clay smiled softly and took a long drink. "In some things yes it does," he nodded his response. "She's very lucky to have people like you in her life. I wouldn't ever want less for her. Even if it was my place to have a say in that." "Well at some point it may if you play your cards right." "I'd like to think so. But she's got a lot of hurt and regret to overcome." "With the help of someone who loves her, and someone she might could love in return," Sturgis smiled, clapping his shoulder and rising with the return of Mac. "Thanks man," Clay said softly. "What did I miss?" she asked, setting a plate in front of Clay. "You OK?" "I'm fine. Stop fussing." "I am allowed to fuss. You were nearly flat on your face mister. Why didn't you say sooner that you were feeling bad?" "Sarah I'm fine. Please. I just not used to being up this much is all. And thank you for getting my plate." "You're welcome. So what were you and Sturgis talking about?" "Nothing." "Liar." "Honest nothing. He was just making sure I was okay." "He's a good guy" Mac sighed as she sat down. "He deserves someone special in his life." "Like you?" Clay said softly. Mac slowly shook her head. "No. Not like me. He deserves better. Someone who could truly love him. I've brought every man I've ever loved heartache." "Well I think he'd disagree about someone better. As would I." "You two are way too good to me," Mac said with a small smile. "And thank you for coming. Even though you really aren't up to this yet." "I'm glad to be here," he said as he reached over and gave her hand a quick pat. "Besides the company is great." "These seats taken?" Noah asked as he and Sierra made their way over to the table. "Of course not" Mac smiled. "Please sit down. I think Malinda and Carter are going to join us as well once they get their plates." "They look pretty chummy too" Clay smiled. "Guess everyone is enjoying their new assignments at JAG. I know you two are." Sierra blushed and Noah simply smiled. "Yes sir we are." "No sir please" Clay groaned. "I'm not that old." "Everything was so beautiful" Sierra spoke up. "The Admiral and Meredith seem like they'll be real happy." "I think they will" Mac nodded. "I'm just glad he's found someone after all these years." After dinner, the guests gathered to watch AJ and Meredith cut the cake. Once that was completed Meredith announced it was time for the bouquet toss before her and AJ left for the evening. "Go on" Clay said to Mac. "Clay I'm not going up there" she laughed. "No way." "Yes you are. You're single, you should be up there." "Sierra and Malinda are there. And Francesca and Jen. There's plenty of other single woman." "Mac come on" Malinda laughed as she tugged her arm. "You're going up there with us." "All right" Mac relented. "But there is no way I'm catching that bouquet." Mac stood at the back of the group of women that were lined up behind Meredith as she got ready to heave the bouquet. "Mac you'll never catch it back here" Malinda smiled. "I know that's the idea." It was an idea but as soon as the bouquet was out of Meredith's hands it was almost as if it had its own radar lock on Mac. It quickly sailed over the heads of the others and right at her. She had no choice but to catch it as it came towards her. "Nice throw honey" AJ laughed as he walked over to Meredith. "Right at her." "I wasn't aiming at her" Meredith frowned. "I honestly don't even know how it got to her. I didn't throw it that hard." "Obviously you threw it harder than you thought." "No honest AJ. It was like it went flying out of my hands." Mac stood staring at the bouquet; still not believing it had landed in her arms. She'd seen it leave Meredith's hands and suddenly come right at her. Almost as if unseen hands had directed it to her. "Harm" she whispered, suddenly feeling him close by. For a moment she could feel a gentle hand on her shoulder but when she turned, there was no one there. "See and you thought you were safe in the back" Malinda laughed as she walked over to Mac. "Meredith has quite an arm." "Yes she does" Mac said softly. "Excuse me." She turned and ran out of the room, Clay on his feet a moment later after her. "Sarah" he called as he walked outside. "Sarah are you okay?" He heard her sob before he saw her and he made his way over to her, finding her leaning against the building as she cried. "Sarah don't" he whispered as he gently pulled her into his arms. "Please don't cry." "I hate when I get like this," she whispered, letting him fold her against him, rubbing her back softly. "I mean people have to be looking at me and going--good god woman get over it. The man is gone. It's been weeks and you're still crying." "No one--I mean no one--is thinking that," he countered. "If anything, people are admiring your courage. Sarah you watched the man you loved die. It's not something you 'get over'. Sure in time you probably will be able to at least think about him without tears, but until then, well much as I hate to see you cry, I shouldn't tell you not to either." "You should when I'm blubbering in front of everyone," she sighed. "Good thing Admiral Summers has an extra amount of patience. And look at this." She gave a long sniffle and held up the bouquet. "What about it. Meredith should pitch for the Yankees and you caught it." "Harm sent it to me." "Huh?" He shook his head to make sure his hearing was correct. "You want to try that one again?" "I watched her get ready to throw, and I was quite happy in the back. She didn't chuck it like she was spearing a fish for crying out loud. She simply tossed it gently into the air. Then suddenly it's like it's got wings. Like a gull caught in an updraft. I don't know. It came at me like it had sonar and when it saw me, it swooped down like a Tomcat making a tailhooked landing." "You saw all that?" "Like it was in slow motion. Then Harm put his hand on my shoulder. For a moment there was this huge sense of peace, but then I just lost it." "Harm. . .? You think Harm?" She gave a long sniffle and shrugged her shoulders. "Never mind. I'm just being weird." "Would you like me to take you home?" "Yes. No." "Thank you for clearing that up. Sarah we can tell Sturgis we need to go." "No we can't. I'm not going to do that," she said firmly, lifting her head to look at him closely. "Are you OK? And don't you dare be less than straight with me. I'm looking at you straight in the eye and I'll know." "Only my mother can do that," he laughed. "Haven't you ever noticed me not looking at her much." "Clayton." "Now you're sounding like her. Yes ma'am. The food and the sitting helped a lot. I'm good for a while longer." "OK then no I'm not ready to go. I hear dance music. People are dancing. I would like to dance. OK?" "Only if I can have the first one." "First and only" she corrected. "I don't want you over doing it." "I can handle a few swirls around the dance floor with you" he smiled. "And I promise when I'm tired I'll let you know." "Let's go then," she said with a small smile. "And I'm really glad you're here. Thank you for just letting me babble a minute ago." "I'm always here for you" Clay said softly. "Now let's dance." For the next half-hour they slowly moved around the dance floor as the soft music emanated from the DJ's speakers. Mac finally found herself relaxing in his arms, for the first time allowing herself to not think about the past. And what might have been. "May I cut in?" Sturgis asked. "Of course" Clay smiled. "I was just going to go get us some drinks anyway and take a break." "You okay?" Mac asked. "Fine. You dance. I'll be waiting over here." "How are you?" Sturgis asked as he led her around the dance floor. "Holding up okay?" "Yeah I am," she said with a small smile. "I'm glad I came. This has been nice." "Yes it has. And I'm glad you're doing okay. I was a little worried about you getting through this." "With you and Clay, I'm doing okay" she said softly. "Having friends like you two is what's gotten me this far." "I'm glad you and Clay have reconnected," he said quietly. "I think when you did that you let go some of the hurt you were carrying around." Mac nodded. "I needed to let go of it. And now that I have, it is easier to deal with." "He cares a lot about you." "He's a good man" Mac sighed. "I'm just glad he didn't leave me alone like I wanted him to." They stayed another hour before Mac determined that it was time for Clay to go home. "You are going to be exhausted tonight" she fretted as she helped him into the car. "I'm fine. It was a good time tonight." "You weren't supposed to over do it." "Sarah I'm fine. I'm just tired. Now will you relax and chill." He leaned back in the seat and closed his eyes and Mac sank back next to him while Sturgis climbed into the driver's side. "I take it he's going home first?" Sturgis asked. "Please." Mac gave Clay a little nudge when they reached his town house and he slowly opened his eyes. "Home already?" he murmured. "Yes. And I'm thinking that maybe I should stay with you tonight. You are way beyond tired." "I think he'll be fine" Sturgis said as he opened the door to let them out. "All he needs is a bed." "He's right" Clay nodded. "I'm just going to crash. You go home and get some rest." "No I should stay" Mac said adamantly. "Sturgis thank you for the ride but I am going to stay with Clay. Tomorrow I'll just get a cab home." "Sarah you don't have to do this" Clay sighed. "I know. But I want to." "Okay I'm not going to fight with the Marine" Clay smiled. "You can stay." "Good, now the Sailor can go get some rest too," Sturgis smiled. "You guys know where I am." "Yeah we do," Clay spoke up. "And Sturgis, thanks. For a lot more than I can say without being reduced to blubbering." "You'll owe me big time. How bad can that be." He threw them a quick salute and left them alone. "He's a good man," Mac sighed, leading Clay inside. "Yeah he is but if you tell him I agreed with you I'll deny to the death I even like the guy. You going to tuck me in or what?" "Yes of course. Let's go." THE END Chapter 4, concluding the novel, will begin posting in the next few days.