TITLE: "What We Leave Behind" Chapter 1
                    AUTHORS:  Anne R. and Pat Steiner
                      SUMMARY:   Summer 2003.  Paraguay is over.  And life will never be the same.
                      CLASSIFICATION/RATING:   J/S/R/A    PG for language and some violence.
                      SPOILERS:  A Tangled Webb especially, but in any of our work, any JAG 
episode may be referred to.
                      FEEDBACK:  If you're so moved but never expected nor begged for.  Addy is 
ssbpmn@aol.com.  Please however, we request you respect the work, and the effort that goes 
into writing it.
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===================

Authors' note:  A while back there was indication that had DJE not signed for season 9, JAG 
would have gone on.  That Season 9 might in fact open with Mac weeping at Harm's grave.  
So herein is exactly that scenario.

To keep in mind as you decide whether to invest in this story [and it will be an investment as 
it's not a story but a novel]:  Harmon Rabb will not come back to life at the end.  Not this time.  
And Mac and Clay are a factor.  BUT—huge BUT—Harm is a big big part of the story.  His 
presence is very there throughout.  Also throughout the love that existed between Mac and 
Harm is a major player.  

We hope that everyone who normally reads our work will give this one a chance.  But if you 
have to bail, or simply don't care to start, we of course understand.  Our work receives 
phenomenal support and for that we are ever grateful.
===========
  
"What We Leave Behind"  Chapter 1


   RABB FARM
   Belleville, PA.
   2 June 03
   
   
   "The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want. . ."  AJ Chegwidden's clear voice echoed over the 
Pennsylvania hills.  Clear but emotion-filled at the same time.  ". . .and I shall dwell in the 
House of the Lord forever."
   
   AJ nodded to Sturgis who for a few seconds tightened his arm across Mac's shoulders.  
Rarely had his arm left that position since Mac had returned from Paraguay.
   
   He stepped forward and had to clear his throat twice before words would come.  "Let us join 
hands and speak the prayer Christ himself taught His Disciples.  Our Father Who art in 
Heaven. . . "  Unlike AJ, Sturgis did not make it through without stopping, and it was only with 
supreme effort he managed the final words ". . .and the power and the glory forever.  Amen."
   
   The word had barely died on his lips when the first note of Taps sounded, followed almost 
simultaneously by the officer in charge of the rifle squad giving his first command.  The first 
volley faded away just as the second resounded and then the third.  Mac winced visibly with 
each.
   
   With the rifle fire still in hills, the honor guard smartly folded the flag, and the first Sailor 
handed the triangle to AJ, who turned and held it to Mac.  "On behalf of the President of the 
United States, with the thanks of a grateful nation."
   
   "I can't," she whispered and looked pleadingly to Sturgis.  Resplendent in his dress uniform, 
Sturgis took a step forward, saluted and accepted the flag, then with military precision took it to 
Mrs. Sarah Rabb.  
   
 She reached slowly for it.  "Thank you.  Another flag with the Rabb name."
   
   "Yes ma'am.  Two men who served their country proudly," he nodded.  Behind Harm's 
grandmother, Trish stood stoically, refusing her husband's supporting arms.  She, like Sarah 
Rabb, had been there before.  Only that time there had been no body to bury.  No grave to 
visit.  This time the fallen hero joined other Rabbs of past generations in the family cemetery.  
   
 Now it was over.  Harmon David Rabb Jr. had gone to be with his father and grandfather in 
Heaven.
   
   The mourners began to make their way back  toward the house.  All except Mac who stood 
with her hand on the coffin.  
   
   "Mac."  Sturgis put his arm across her shoulders.  "There's nothing here.  Not even Harm.  
Let's go."
   
   "No.  No I need few minutes," she replied, surprisingly calm.
   
   "OK no problem."
   
   "Alone."
   
   "No.  That's not a good idea," he objected firmly.
   
   "I need some time.  Please.  And then I'll walk back to the house.  It's just over the hill there, 
not even a mile."
   
   "I don't think. . .," he tried again and shook his head, letting his hand fall  away.  She had just 
endured the burial service of the man she loved.  She was entitled.
   
   It took but a few minutes for the quiet to descend, leaving Mac alone.  Later men would come 
to place the shiny metal box into the ground.  For now she was with him once again.
   
   "I didn't even get to tell you that I loved you," she whispered.  The tears that she had 
managed to hold back all morning would be put off no longer and she began to weep softly.
   
   Because of that she did not hear the foot-falls behind her, but the  voice came through to her 
at once.   
   
   "Sarah."  
   
   The three recent weeks she spent with this man made her almost more familiar with his 
voice than Harm's and she shuddered slightly.
   
   "What are you doing here Clay?" she asked, refusing to turn around.  Refusing to look at the 
man whom she blamed for Harm's death despite her best effort not to.  Maybe later on, when 
she could think more clearly, she would realize he was not to blame.  But for now, when the 
hurt was raw and new, and every time she closed her eyes she could see the death scene 
playing out in slow motion, she could not abide him in her life.   
     
   "He was a friend of mine too Sarah" Clay said softly, breaking her reverie 
   before it could even start.
   
   "Do not ever call me Sarah again" she spat as she turned around. "I don't 
   want to hear you say it ever again. And some friend you were. If it weren't 
   for you. . ."
   
   "I know. I know. Don't think I haven't relived that whole thing a million 
   times."
   
   "He shouldn't have been there," she shouted. "And he wouldn't have been if 
   you hadn't gotten me mixed up in your mess. Just so you could come out 
   smelling rosy with the Agency again."
   
   "I'm sorry. You know that. If I could go back"
   
   "You can't" she snapped. "He's dead. And it's your fault Clay. The man I 
   love is dead. I'm never going to see him again thanks to you." Her voice 
   trembled with anger and Clay let out a long sigh as he stepped back.
   
   "I don't know what else to say" he whispered. "Except I am so sorry and you 
   have no idea how much this is hurting me too."
   
   "Go" she whispered as she felt the tears burning again. "Just go Clay. I 
   don't know why you came but I don't want you here. And I don't want to see 
   you ever again."
   
   "You don't mean that. Please tell me you don't mean that. You know Harm 
   would want me to look after you."
   
   "He would have wanted to be here himself to look after me" she shouted. "And 
   he's not because of you."
   
   This time her shouts caught the attention of the other mourners and it was 
   Sturgis who quickly came to her side.
   
   "Look Clay, she doesn't need this right now" he hissed to the agent. "Leave 
   her alone."
   
   "I'm just trying to talk" Clay sighed. "I didn't want to upset her."
   
   "You should have thought of that before you recruited her for your 
   half-assed missions" Sturgis continued angrily as he wrapped his arm around 
   Mac's shoulder. "Now if you'll excuse us, I'm going to take her back to the 
   farmhouse."
   
   "No" Mac wailed as she looked over at the casket. "No. Don't make me leave 
   him."
   
   "Mac he's gone" Sturgis whispered. "You know that. You said goodbye to him 
   then."
   
   "No" she sobbed as she dissolved once again into tears. "No. It wasn't 
   supposed to be this way. I told him I was coming back. We were going to make 
   it work."
   
   "I know" Sturgis soothed before shooting a long glare at Clay. "And I'm so 
   sorry."
   
   She sobbed uncontrollably against Sturgis's chest and he gently started to 
   lead her away from the gravesite.
   
   "Sarah I'm sorry," Mrs. Porter Webb said quietly as Sturgis led her past. 
   "And I really need to talk to you."
   
   "She can't talk right now," Sturgis said protectively. "Maybe later please. 
   Right now I want to get her to the house."
   
   "Of course" Mrs. Webb nodded. "But please. It's important."
   
   Sturgis nodded before continuing Mac forward to the house. Mrs. Webb caught 
   sight of her son still at the grave and slowly made her way down to him.
   
   "She hates me Mom" Clay said quietly when he saw his mother approach. "She 
   blames me for it and she's right. It's all my fault.  I wanted her down there with me, and then 
when it hit the fan who comes down after her but Harmon Rabb.  The man who has always 
loved her.  Big surprise."
   
   "Clayton you're being a bit harsh on yourself aren't you?" she said gently. 
   "He was the one who elected to come.  He made that choice."
   
   "Only because he wanted to get the woman he loved back. She wouldn't have 
   been there if I hadn't gotten her involved. God how could I have been so 
   stupid."
   
   "You wanted her there for a reason didn't you?" Mrs. Webb said softly. "And 
   it wasn't just because she was a Marine who could handle herself."
   
   "No it wasn't just for that reason.  That was only part of it.  I knew that going in.  I wanted her 
with me just because she was Sarah Mackenzie.  And  I would have given up my life for her 
Mom." Clay whispered.  
  
  "Are you in love with her Clayton?" Mrs. Webb asked him the same question she had put to 
Harm on the telephone. 
  
  "As in love with a person one can be when they know they have no chance," Clay sighed, his 
distress making him unusually candid with his mother.  "See there was a beforehand with us.  
With Sarah and me.  Before she came to JAG.  She and I shared a few ops. . .assignments, 
and yes ma'am I did come to love her."
  
  "So what happened that you let her get away back then?"
  
  "Orders.  Her time on loan to the agency from the Marines was up and she was ordered back 
into uniform.  And me--well with my usual brilliance, I let her go.  I wasn't ready to give up that 
007 dashing agent man of the world claptrap you see."
  
  "You are so your father," she smiled, shaking her head.  "But you've never really forgotten her 
have you?"
  
  "Of course I didn't.  Then of course working together, living together, on this assignment it all 
flooded back to me.  She made it really clear to me that it wasn't going to happen though and I 
minded my manors.  Hell I knew she loved Harm and he loved her.  I wasn't stupid.  I just had 
a mission to accomplish.  And typically me, I lost sight of everything else."
  
  His mother nodded and led him to a nearby grove of trees, pushing him down onto the bench.  
"I don't think either of us is ready to go back and make after-funeral small talk, so why don't we 
pass the time by you telling me the story.  I don't expect you to reveal any secrets, but you can 
tell me what happened.  And how you feel.  Before it eats you up inside."
  =============
  At the same time Gunnery Sergeant Victor Galindez climbed slowly up the nearest hillside.  
He was tired.  More than tired, more along the lines of exhausted, from long weeks in 
Paraguay.  The end of that operation marked the end of his stint with the Agency and while he 
would miss field duty and miss being away from the constraints of the uniform; despite being 
one of the few enlisted in officer country, he also was looking forward to going back to JAG 
HQ.  Where the only thing more dangerous than a paper cut was drinking Tiner's coffee.  He 
would also be going back to a life of routine and order and after the past year of flying by the 
seat of Clayton Webb's pants, it would be welcome.
  
  He was half way up when he heard soft whimpering and he stopped in his tracks to listen.  It 
was coming from a grove of trees off to his right.  "Hey someone there?"
  
  The whimpering stopped and there was rustling in the undergrowth.  "It's only me.  Jen.  Uh. . 
.Petty Officer Coates. . ."  The soft voice drifted out to him and he strode in that direction.  
  
  "Gunnery Sergeant Victor Galindez Petty Officer.  Are you OK?  Can I help you?  What are 
you doing in there anyway?"
  
  "Right now feeling foolish," she replied.  "I just needed to get away from the funeral and the 
mourners.  It was all pressing down on me like some kind of huge balloon."
  
  "OK that's exactly what I'm doing too," he returned.  "Except not by hiding, by walking.  Why 
don't you join me.  Unless you'd prefer being alone of course."  
  
  "I. . ."  She sniffled quietly and emerged, and Gunny at once put out his hand to her.  
  
  "Come on.  Jennifer isn't it?"
  
  "Yes Gunnery Sergeant.  Jen please."
  
  "Gunny."
  
  They walked side by side in silence until the reached the top of the hill, both taking a long 
breath when they could see part of the valley below.
  
  "I understand Mr. Webb is alive because you got him out--got him help," Jen offered finally.
  
  "Just taking care of business," Gunny sighed.  "I guess it was a successful mission.  But so 
very costly."
   
  "It's so unfair. They belonged together. The Colonel and the Commander. Now he's gone and 
nothing is ever going to be the same." She tried to choke back a sob but wasn't totally 
  successful and Gunny awkwardly put his arm around her.
  
  "Just how well did you know the Commander?" he asked.
  
  "He was like a big brother to me" she wailed "He believed in me when no one 
  else did. It's because of him that I'm at JAG now. And I don't know if I can 
  go back there knowing he's never coming back."
  
  "Hey he wouldn't want you to give up that easily" Gunny soothed. "The 
  Commander would want you to keep a stiff upper lip and keep marching and all that."
  
  "Yeah he would have" she nodded. "And I'm sorry for crying all over you like 
  this. You must think I'm a mental case."
  
  "No. I think you're someone who lost a friend and you're upset by that fact. 
  Just like any of us here today are."
  
  "Yeah but you're not crying like a baby" Jen sighed as she wiped her face.
  
  "Marine's aren't allowed to cry" he teased and she smiled slightly at his 
  words. "Course that's not always the truth."
    
  Jen let out a long sniffle. "I can't even imagine how the 
  Colonel is going to deal with this. You know they were in love."
  
  "I know" Gunny said softly. "I just wish they'd realized it sooner."
  
  =============
  Porter Webb put a hand on her son's arm.  "I'm sorry. You're shouldering a big load of blame 
here and I don't think it all belongs on your shoulders."
  
  "Yes it does Mother" Clay said quietly. "It was my mission that went to 
  hell. And because of it a good man is dead. And someone I care very deeply 
  about can't stand the sight of me."
  
  "In time she'll forgive you" Mrs. Webb said gently. "Right now it's all too 
  much for her. Hopefully what I tell her will comfort her a bit."
   
  **************
  "Sarah please sit down," Sarah Rabb said to Mac. "I've made us both some 
  strong tea. Which you need."
  
  "You shouldn't be waiting on me Grams" Mac protested. Since their arrival in 
  Belleville Sarah Rabb had opened her arms and heart to the woman her 
  grandson had loved and left behind, catering to any need she had and 
  insisting Mac call her Grams. "I should be helping you."
  
  "Keeping busy is what I need" she sighed as she joined Mac at the table with 
  two cups of tea. "That way I don't think about it."
  
  "This has to be so hard for you" Mac whispered. "Your husband. Your son. Now 
  your grandson. It's so unfair."
  
  "Seems that way doesn't it" Grams said softly. "But I guess God has a reason 
  for what he does. Even if we don't understand it."
  
  "I don't" Mac snapped. "And I never will."
  
  "It'll take some time Sarah" Grams said softly as she patted Mac's hand. 
  "Right now it just hurts. And it will for a long time. But one day you'll 
  understand."
  
  "I'm sorry" Mac whispered. "I shouldn't snap at you. You've been so kind and 
  I have no right."
  
  "It's okay dear. I know what you're going through."
  
  "I just want him back" Mac sniffled as the tears brimmed again. "I'd do 
  anything to have him back."
  
  "I know you would honey" Grams said as she gathered Mac against her as the 
  tears started once again. "We all would. But he's gone. And nothing can 
  bring him back."
  
  "I love him" Mac sobbed in Grams arms. "I love him so much and I want him 
  back."
  
  Her sobs brought both Sturgis and AJ to the table but Grams motioned them 
  away.
  
  "She's okay. She just needs to let it out."
  
  AJ nodded and walked quietly back to Trish and Frank while Sturgis kept a 
  closer eye on Mac. He would take care of no matter what. That's what Harm 
  would have wanted.
  
  **********************
  "You want me to leave you alone?" Gunny asked Jen. "I sort of intruded into 
  your quiet moment."
  
  "No please stay" Jen sniffled. "I'm not sure I'm ready to go back to the 
  house yet and see everyone. Every time I do, I start to cry. And looking at 
  the Colonel is even worse."
  
  "I know" Gunny sighed. "She's been through hell. First everything she and 
  Webb went through and then she lost the Commander."
  
  "I still can't believe he's gone" she sniffled as a new round of tears 
  started again. "I'm never going to see him again."
  
  "Hey it's okay," he said as he once again put his arms around her.
  
  "I'm sorry. I should be able to handle myself better. But it's so wrong. Why 
  did he have to die?"
  
  "I don't know" Gunny said softly. "I guess the Good Lord has his reasons. 
  I'm sure the Colonel is wondering that too."
  
  "Good she must feel awful" Jen whispered. "He died right there behind her 
  didn't he? When they crashed?"
  
  Gunny nodded soberly. "I don't even know if they had a chance to say 
  goodbye."
  
  ******************
  "Clayton you really should go back to the house" Porter Webb sighed. "You 
  shouldn't even be out here. You're not fully recovered yet."
  
  "Mother I couldn't miss this. The man saved my life for godsake."
  
  "I know. And for that I wish I could tell him thank you. He brought my son 
  back to me."
  
  "And in the process of fixing my mess and saving this country from god knows 
  what, got himself killed. And now there's a mother and grandmother who don't 
  have the man they love anymore. Not to mention the hell Mac is going 
  through."
  
  "He loved her you know."
  
  "I know. And because she was so worried about me, I don't think he realized 
  that she felt the same."
  
  "Did she? Love him I mean?"
  
  "She's loved him since the day she met him Mother. I was there. I saw it. 
  But they denied it for so long. And now it's too late. And it's my fault."
  
  "Clayton don't" she urged. "You can't bring him back."
  
  "No but if I could have traded places with him, I would have."
  
  *****************************
  "I'm sorry" Mac whispered as her tears finally stopped. "I shouldn't be 
  carrying on like this."
  
  "You loved him honey. We all know that."
  
  "And he never knew it" Mac said softly. "I never got to tell him. He was 
  dying in front of me and all I could do was watch." She choked back a sob 
  and this time Sturgis came to her side.
  
  "Mac how about a walk outside" he said gently. "Get you some fresh air."
  
  "Good idea" Grams smiled. "Go on honey. We can talk later."
 
 "Sturgis I don't. . ."
 
 "Yes you do.  You need some air and space," he told her.  "Too many people, too much 
sadness.  I just wish I knew what I could do to make it better."
 
 "There's nothing anyone can do," she sighed.  "Nothing.  Except to turn back the clock to the 
day I heard about this mission.  To make me not be the Marine who jumped at the chance to 
go."
 
 "Well isn't that what you Marines do," he said softly, guiding her through a side door and into 
the quiet yard.  
 
 "Yeah of course that's what we do.  And we die.  Or we watch comrades die.  And we're 
prepared to do that.  What I'm not prepared to do is give up the man I loved."
 
 His arm went to its usual place around her shoulders, which heaved with barely suppressed 
tears.  "Have you given any thought to what you're going to do now?  You're still on 
convalescence leave?"
 
 "Yeah.  Another twenty-five days," she sniffled.  "Grams wants me to stay here with her and 
I'm going to do that for a few days.  Trish and Frank have to get back and she shouldn't be 
alone.  I sort of want to be, but then I sort of don't.  I like the idea of staying here where he 
spent so much time."
 
 "I understand.  You can give me a call when you're ready to come back and I'll come for you."
 
 "Thanks.  I appreciate that.  You've been awfully good to me."
 
 "Harm was a friend.  And so are you.  I'd do anything for you Sarah."
 
 That word.  That name.  She had spent the last three weeks hearing Clay use it.  And now she 
hated it.  "Do me a favor please.  Don't.  I mean don't call me that.  My name is Mac."
 
 "Sure.  No problem.  Mac, when you're ready to talk about Harm, please come to me.  It would 
help me.  I miss him too.  I've gotten real used to seeing his face around JAG."
 
 "Yeah I will.  Promise." she nodded.  "I haven't told anyone about the aftermath of the crash.  
It's like I'm keeping it all in my heart.  Private memories.  For me alone."
 
 "If that's what you want.  Your privilege."
 
 "Thanks for understanding.  You know it's almost as if. . ."  She stopped short and her 
fingernails dug into the top of his thigh as movement across the yard attracted her attention.  
 
 He followed her gaze and understood at once.  Porter and Clayton Webb.  Clay was limping 
badly, his mom doing her best to steady him.  "You and Clay?"
 
 "Sturgis I hate that I feel this way, but right now I don't want him any where near me," she said 
softly.  "I don't see myself ever changing that.  I can't stand the sight of him.  As unchristian as 
that is."
 
 "You still blame him?"  Sturgis's question bore nothing but inquiry, no accusation or 
recrimination.
 
 "Almost as much as I blame myself," she confirmed.  "And right now I don't see that 
changing."
 
 He remained silent and she leaned against him, resting her head on his shoulder.  "Thanks for 
not judging me."
 
 They watched as the pair drew painfully closer, both stopping as soon as they saw Mac.  
"Sarah?" Clay called.
 
 "My name is Mac.  And I have nothing more to say to you," she called back, her voice 
surprisingly strong.
 
 "But I have something I need to say to you," Mrs. Webb spoke up.  "And I don't want to drive 
back to DC until you've heard it.  Please.  Look I know what you're going through.  I lost the 
man who was my life too.  It was long years ago but you really never forget it.  Five minutes 
please.  That's all I ask."
 
 "I don't think so," Mac sighed.  "You and Clay should go on home."
 
 Mrs. Webb released Clay's arm and took several steps toward her, until Sturgis rose in 
protection.  "Ma'am, please.  She's not up to talking."
 
 "I realize that and if it wasn't vital I would not be this insistent.  Sarah you need to hear this.  I 
promise you that you won't be sorry."
 
 Mac started to shake her head and then changed her mind.  "OK five minutes.  We can walk a 
ways."
 
 "Mac?" Sturgis gave her arm a questioning squeeze.
 
 "I'm sure.  Come on Mrs. Webb.  Your time is running."
 
 They started walking away and Clay hobbled the rest of the way toward Sturgis.  "I. . .I don't 
know how to help her," he whispered.
 
 "I do Webb.  Stay away from her.  That's the biggest--and only--help you can be to her right 
now."
   
  "She needs someone" Clay countered.
  
  "She has lots of people who care about her and won't hurt her like you did" 
  Sturgis retorted. "So you can just stay away."
  
  "You don't own her Turner."
  
  "Well I'm the one looking out for her now that Harm is gone. And I'm not 
  going to let you go near her and upset her anymore. You got that?"
  
  "Loud and clear. But I'm going to tell you this. I love Sarah Mackenzie. And 
  nothing you say or do is going to keep me away from her."
  
  **************
  "Sarah I'm so sorry for your loss" Porter Webb repeated quietly as she and 
  Mac walked.
  
  "Mrs. Webb what do you want?" Mac sighed.
  
  "To tell you something. I wanted you to know that while you were with 
  Clayton in Paraguay Harm called me."
  
  "He called you. Why?"
  
  "He was very concerned about you. He wanted to get in touch with you. He 
  said he had something very important to tell you."
  
  Mac felt the prick of tears at Mrs. Webb's words. "He wouldn't tell you what 
  it was?" Mac whispered.
  
  "No dear but I knew exactly what he wanted to say to you."
  
  "Don't say it" Mac whispered. "Please don't."
  
  "Sarah he loved you" Mrs. Webb said gently. "His only concern was to find 
  you so he could tell you that."
  
  Mac's only response was a loud sob and Porter put her arms around the young 
  woman as she started to sob again.
  
  "I'm so sorry honey. I know how much this hurts. And you must remember this 
  is not all Clayton's fault."
  
  "Yes it is" Mac snapped as she pulled away from the older woman. "Harm is 
  dead because of Clay. He should never have been there. He would be alive 
  today if Clay hadn't gotten me involved in his mess."
  
  "He's hurting too Sarah. Try and understand how he feels."
  
  "How he feels?" Mac shouted. "I lost the man I love. He died before I could 
  even tell him that I loved him. Do you know how unfair that is."
  
  Gunny and Jen were walking to the house and they arrived in time to hear 
  Mac's shouts.
  
  "Colonel you okay?" Gunny asked softly.
  
  "No" she whispered before turning and running towards the field where she'd 
  just buried the man she loved.
  
  "Mother what's going on?" Clay demanded as he hobbled towards her. "What did 
  you say to her?"
  
  "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset her."
  
  "Should we go after her?" Jen said quietly. "I don't think she should be 
  alone."
  
  "I'll go" Gunny sighed. "Jen why don't you help Mr. Webb back into the 
  house."
  
  "No that's okay" Clay sighed. "I think we're going to go home now. It's been 
  a long day."
  
  "Sir she'll forgive you one day" Gunny said as Clay turned away. "But it's 
  going to take some time."
  
  "I wouldn't blame her if she didn't forgive me" he muttered before walking 
  away, his mother following after him.
  
  ***********************
  Mac ran and ran until she reached the field where Harm lay. There she 
  collapsed next to the gravesite where the coffin had already been lowered.
  
  "I'm so sorry" she sobbed. "You would be alive if it wasn't for me."
  
  She sobbed harder as Mrs. Webb's words ran through her mind. It wasn't fair. 
  He'd gotten to say the words and she hadn't.
  
  "Why did you die before I could tell you" she sobbed. "Why couldn't you have 
  just held on so I could have told you that I loved you. That I'll always 
  love you."
 
 Another giant sob wracked her body and she didn't try to control it.  "I wanted to tell you.  But I 
was too busy trying to save your life," she gasped.  "I was trying to stop the bleeding and figure 
out how to get you out. You were talking to me about us and all I had to do was stop telling to 
you be quiet you were going to be OK and we'd have plenty of time for all that.  All I had to do 
was stop being the Marine and be the woman who should be telling you. . ."  Another sob took 
her words and buried her head in her hands.
 
 "Gunny," Jen whispered.  "Gunny she's hurting so bad."
 
 "I know," he sighed, encircling Jen's thin wrist with his hand.  
 
 "Should we?"
 
 He shook his head and his shoulders heaved.  "Yeah I think so.  Beating herself up like this 
can't be good for her."  He tugged gently at her wrist and they approached quietly.
 
 "Colonel.  Mac."  Gunny spoke when Jen did not.  "Can we help?"
 
 She sat up slowly and dabbed at her eyes with her t-shirt.  "No.  No one can, but thanks for 
offering."
 
 Jen squatted next to her, resting her hand on the soft filled-in earth.  "I'll never forget him."
 
 "Nor will I," Mac nodded.  "Uh. . .has Clay left?"
 
 "They were getting ready to, yes ma'am," Gunny nodded.  
 
 "I'm not able to face him again.  And I want to be alone here please."
 
 "Ma'am everyone is going to be concerned about you," he pointed out.
 
 "Then tell them I'm fine and want to be alone."
 
 "I can stay with you," Jen offered.
 
 "Petty Officer, what part of I want to be alone didn't register with you."
 
 "Yes ma'am."  Jen accepted Gunny's outstretched hand to rise.  
 
 "Ma'am I respect your desire to be left alone," Gunny called over his shoulder,  "but I'll be back 
for you in an hour if you haven't come back."
 
 "Thanks Gunny," she sighed, realizing it did feel good to be looked after.
 
 Gunny took Jen's arm and they walked back to the farm house where everyone was in fact 
getting ready to leave.
 
 The Webbs had gone already gone, and AJ and Sturgis were saying their goodbyes to 
Grams.  "Gunny where's Mac?" Sturgis asked at once.
 
 "She's out with Harm sir," he said softly.  "I'll stay and make sure she gets back OK.  You and 
the Admiral and Tiner go on."
 
 "You sure?"
 
 "Yes sir.  It's fine."
 
 "Then let's get on the road," AJ nodded.  "Petty Officer."
 
 "Sir if it's OK," she began and turned to Gunny.  "I'm staying with you.  Unless you object of 
course."
 
 "No that's fine," Gunny nodded.  "Admiral you're going to check on the Roberts aren't you?"
 
 "First thing.  And if there's any news I'll let everyone know."
 
 The house cleared out and Grams went to her room, leaving Gunny and Jen at the old kitchen 
table.  "You didn't have to stay," he said softly after he poured her a cup of coffee.
 
 "I know.  I wanted to.  I just have an empty room to go back to and I would have gone crazy 
there."
 
 "Well I'm glad for the company.  I just felt like I wanted to make sure the Colonel was in for the 
night before I left," he sighed.
 
 "She's got a whole big family taking care of her," she smiled softly.  "I love that about you 
people.  I love that you all make up the JAG family."
 
 "Well so are you," he reminded her.  "A part of it I mean.  And actually now that I'm coming 
back, I think I'm going to find the working conditions improved.  I understand you're taking over 
for Tiner as well as your clerking duties."
 
 "It's going to be a challenge," she smiled.  "I envy him going to OCS and then his first 
assignment aboard the Stennis though I'm not sure I'm real anxious for sea duty again.  Not 
after last time."
 
 They made quiet small talk, keeping their eye on the clock until Mac returned.  
 
 "Some coffee Colonel?" Jen offered.
 
 "Thanks no.  Just want to go upstairs.  I feel bad that I didn't tell everyone goodbye but 
honestly I just wanted some time.  Gunny, make my apologies for me would you.  And I'll see 
you back in DC.  Just not sure when."
 
 "Yes ma'am."
 ===============
 RABB FARM
 Belleville PA
 3 Days later
 
 "Hey Sarah," Grams called and Mac looked up from the magazine she was leafing through.  
Grams would not call her Mac, but the 'Sarah' from her was not as wrenching.
 
 "How was the prayer group?"
 
 "Lots of sympathy, but good," Grams smiled and sat beside her on the glider.  "Sarah I want 
you to do something for me, but only if you're up to it.  I want you to tell me how my grandson 
died.  Please."
 
 Mac gasped and almost choked.  "Grams are you sure?  I mean I want to honor your wish but 
it's not a pretty story."
 
 "I'm sure not," Grams nodded.  "But for both our sakes I want to hear it."
   
  "I'll try" Mac whispered. "But I can't promise you I can do this."
  
  "I know. But try."
  
  Mac nodded and took a deep breath to try and calm herself. She'd told AJ and 
  Sturgis what had happened but that had been right after they'd been found. 
  When her mind had been too numb to realize the fact that the man she loved 
  was truly gone. Now with his burial, nothing could hide the brutal truth 
  from her.
  
  "You know he'd just saved my life and Clay's" Mac started. "They'd tortured 
  Clay and he was nearly dead. And they were going to kill him when I went in 
  his place. That's when Harm and Gunny arrived. A few minutes later and we 
  were free."
  
  "But you didn't go back with Gunny and Mr. Webb?"
  
  "Harm wanted to find the Stinger missiles before they got into the wrong hands," Mac 
  said quietly. "And I went along to help him. We got information they were at 
  a Mennonite farm but it was miles away. We came upon a farmer with a plane 
  and he let us use it because he thought I was pregnant."
  
  "Pregnant?"
  
  "That was my cover while I was with Clay. I was his pregnant wife."
  
  "OK. Go on."
  
  "So we took the plane up. And we eventually spotted the farm where the 
  stingers were being loaded onto another truck. Harm had grabbed some 
  explosives from the farmer and we went in low to take out the truck."
  
  "Which you succeeded at doing," Grams said quietly.
  
  "Yes but they were firing back at us" Mac sighed. "And eventually they hit 
  the fuel tanks. And we started to go down. Harm tried to find a clearing to 
  land but couldn't." She felt the tears once again as those moments came back 
  to her, so vivid it was like watching a movie in her head.
  
  "Go on Sarah" Grams urged. "Please if you can. I need to know."
  
  "We crashed" Mac managed. "He'd did everything he could to find a spot but 
  the plane was going down to quick. So we crashed into the jungle."
  
  >>>>>>>>>
  Paraguay
  
  Mac could only duck and cover her head as the plane tore through the trees, 
  her scream not heard above the roar of the noise. Finally the damaged plane 
  came to a rest and it was several long seconds before she found her breath. 
  Her heart was pounding from the adrenaline rush and she finally managed to 
  calm herself. Harm had gotten them to the ground in one piece. They'd figure 
  out how to get out of there next.
  
  "Nice job Harm. Now all we have to do is figure how long of a hike it is 
  back to civilization."  She unbuckled her belt as she spoke, frowning when she realized he 
hadn't  answered her.
  
  "Harm" she anxiously as she quickly scrambled out of the seat to get to him.
  
  Her hand went to her mouth when she saw him, and for a moment she couldn't 
  move.  In the center of his chest, the red spot was widening from where one 
  of the large tree limbs had punctured it.
  
  "Oh God please no" she whispered as she moved closer.
  
  His eyes opened as she reached him, each of his gasps for breath sending a 
  chill down her spine.
  
  "Sarah" he managed in a haggard breath.
  
  "Harm don't talk" she urged as she moved forward, her eyes looking for 
  anything she could use to stop the bleeding. He would be okay if she could 
  stop the bleeding and get him help. Nothing else was acceptable.
  
  "No" he shook his head, coughing painfully as he did so. "I need to tell 
  you"
  
  "Harm no. Just relax." As she spoke she realized the only thing she could 
  use was the padding at her belly and she quickly slipped it off of her.
  
  "Sarah I love you" he gasped as she leaned forward to press the padding 
  against his wound. There was so much blood but she didn't allow herself to 
  think about it. Harm wouldn't die. That wouldn't happen. He was going to be 
  fine.
  
  "Harm no talking. We're going to get this bleeding stopped and you're going 
  to be fine. And somehow we'll get someone out here. I'll figure something 
  out."
  
  "Sarah listen to me" he whispered as he reached for her hand and gripped it 
  with surprising strength. "I love you. You need to know that."
  
  "You need to stop talking. I'm going to get this bleeding stopped and you're 
  going to be fine."
  
  He shook his head as he coughed again, each breath an effort for him and Mac 
  felt her panic increase.
  
  "Harm don't. Please stop talking. You're going to be okay. I'll get you out 
  of this. I promise."
  
  "I love you" he gasped, his face contorting painfully as he attempted to 
  draw in a breath. She could only watch in horror as the life of the man she 
  loved slipped away from her.<<<<<
 
 "And then he died Grams," she whispered, tears soaking her cheeks, "I was so busy telling 
him it would be OK, not to move or talk, and he died.  I should have known.  I should have 
taken his last minute on earth and told him I loved him too."
 
 "OK child OK," Grams soothed, taking her hands.  "Honey you know what.  My grandson was 
pretty intuitive.  I doubt very seriously that he didn't know how you felt."
 
 "I wish I could believe that," she sniffled.  "I'm just not sure.  I've told him over and over since 
that moment, but of course I don't know if. . ."
 
 "Oh he's heard you dear.  I've talked to Peter and Harmon senior so many times in all these 
years.  They hear.  Someday you'll get a sign of that.  Long as you hold on to your faith."
 
 "I guess that's all I have to hold on to," she replied bitterly.  "And right now I'm pretty angry 
with God I have to admit."
 
 "And no one would blame you in the least."
 
 "Of course I'm also pretty angry at myself, and at Clayton Webb too."
 
 "Now there's a man who's in pain," Grams reminded her.  "And I don't mean from his injuries.  
Sarah he needs to know you don't hate him."
 
 "I don't hate anyone," she said slowly.  "Except maybe myself."
 
 "And that kind of hate is going to eat you up," Grams told her gently.  "Eat you alive.  Destroy 
you.  And I know that's not what my grandson would have wanted for you.  He wanted a life 
with you.  That I do believe.   Now he can't have it, but he wouldn't want your life ruined.  
Sarah, he knew the risks.  And if you think clearly, you'll realize that.  You knew what you were 
getting into didn't you?"
 
 "Yes ma'am."
 
 "Then give him the same credit.  So did he.  Plus for him the stakes were even higher.  He 
was coming after the woman he loved."
 
 "Yeah.  And I hope someday all this makes me accept it better, but right now I can't.  I'm sorry 
Grams.  Sorry I'm such a downer.  I should go home."
 
 "To an empty apartment and leave me here to the mercy of the clucking church ladies?  
Please don't hurry off.  You've got a lot of leave time, and you'd be surprised that walking these 
hills can give you a real sense of peace.  I don't think you'll find that in the city."
 
 "No that I'm sure of," she sighed.  "Maybe I'll take one of those walks.  Thanks Grams."
 
 After that the days fell into pattern for Mac and Grams.  Both early risers, Mac would run while 
Grams made breakfast.  Afterward she helped Grams around the house before the older 
woman would leave for her daily activities that revolved around church and community.  Mac 
would now and then accompany her, but mostly preferred the solitude of the old farm.  In the 
evenings they would eat and sit on the porch until the sun would go behind the tallest peak.   
Grams would excuse herself to bed and Mac would wander the yard between the barn and the 
house hoping for some measure of exhaustion that would help her to sleep.  Instead she could 
only bury her head in the old feather pillow, the well worn quilt covering her completely, and 
give in to her tears.
 
 Now, twenty-three days after Harm's death, she was ready to return to DC and she dialed 
JAG HQ, Sturgis's personal number.
 
 "Hey Sailor," she said softly, her voice catching as she realized she had called Harm that 
more than once.
 
 "Hey yourself," he smiled into the phone.  "How are you?"
 
 "I'm good thanks.  Well not all that good, but I've at least limited my tears to bedtime," she 
replied.  "Also I'm ready to come home and ready to go back to work.  And I can't wait to see 
Harriet and the baby besides."
 
 Sturgis bit his lip.  "Baby is beautiful.  They finally got their Sarah.  There's been a couple of 
other changes here too.   So you want me to come for you tomorrow?"
 
 "Would you?  I mean I can get the bus down if you've got a life."
 
 "Nope.  No life, and I'd love to pick you up."
 
 "OK thanks.  What changes Sturgis?"
 
 "We can talk in the car tomorrow.  I'll be there about 1200?"
 
 "Perfect.  Thanks."
 
 She hung up the phone and realized Grams was listening.  
 
 "Honey I hate to see you go."
 
 "Well it would be so easy to hide here the rest of my life, but I can't."
 
 "You could.  You could work in Altoona and live here.  I'd love to have you."
 
 "My life--or what's left of it--is in DC and at JAG," Mac told her gently.  "I need to try to make it 
work without Harm.  If I can't though. . .well is the offer open?"
 
 "Always," Grams smiled.  
 
 "Thanks Grams.  You're the best.  Sturgis is going to be here about noon tomorrow.  Did you 
say something about pot luck at church?  I'd love to come with you and thank everyone."
 ===============================
 
 "He loved you so much" Sturgis said quietly as he and Mac stood at Harm's 
 grave the following afternoon. "More than life itself."
 
 Mac nodded and willed the tears back. It had been her idea to come here. To 
 say goodbye to Harm once again before she went home to DC. But now as she 
 stood here looking at the stone that bore his name, the tears began again.
 
 "Mac?" Sturgis whispered as he looked at her.
 
 "I want him back" Mac sobbed as she turned to him. "It isn't supposed to be 
 this way."
 
 "I know it isn't" Sturgis soothed as he pulled her into his arms. "And I 
 wish there was something I could do to take the pain away."
 
 "Nothing will ever take it away" she sobbed. "Nothing except him being 
 here."
 
 She sobbed in his arms and Sturgis held her tightly. His own pain was 
 minimal compared to hers. He'd lost a good friend. She'd lost her soul mate. 
 The man who'd been her world.
 
 "Okay I have to stop this" she sniffled when she finally let go of him. "I 
 need to get my act together here."
 
 "No one said it was going to happen over night," he said gently. "But I have 
 to ask you this. Are you sure you're ready to come back?"
 
 "No. But I know I can't stay here forever. I could but at some point I have 
 to go on I guess."
 
 "Yeah you do. Harm would have wanted you to."
 
 "I know" she nodded as she wiped the tears away. "He wouldn't have wanted me 
 to carry on like this. I can almost hear him saying suck it up Marine."
 
 "Yeah he would say that exactly" Sturgis smiled.
 
 "So that's what I'm trying to do" she sighed. "Suck it up and go on. I just 
 don't know if I can do it."
 
 "You've got friends to support you. Especially me. I'm here for you Mac. 
 Whatever you need."
 
 "Thank you. I know this probably hasn't been easy for you either."
 
 "My loss is nothing compared to yours. And yeah I miss him too. I still 
 catch myself walking into his office expecting to find him there."
 
 "I'm not sure how I'm going to do this," she said with a deep breath. 
 "Especially going into JAG. God Sturgis, do you know how many memories there 
 are there?"
 
 "I know. But they're good memories aren't they?"
 
 "Yeah they are" she sniffled again. "And thank you for being here again. You 
 have no idea how grateful I am to have you as a friend."
 
 "I'll always be here Mac. Whatever you need, I'm here."
 
 "Can I have a moment to say goodbye, then I'll be ready" Mac whispered. "I 
 just need a quick moment alone with him."
 
 Sturgis nodded. "I'll be at the house with Grams whenever you're ready."
 
 She waited until she was alone before kneeling in front of the small head 
 stone.
 
 "I'm trying Harm" she whispered as she gently ran her hand over the stone. 
 "It's not easy without you but I'm trying. I'm going to go back to JAG. 
 It'll never be the same now that you're gone but I have to try." She 
 sniffled again as warm tears ran down her cheek. "I'm going to come and 
 visit often. And I don't want you to ever think I've forgotten you. Because 
 I never will. You have my heart Harm. Forever."
 
 "Sarah I love you."
 
 For a moment she froze. It was as if he were right behind her, whispering 
 the words in ear. She turned around, not really expecting to see anyone. And 
 she wasn't surprised when she found no one was there.
 
 "I love you too Harm" she whispered. "I never got to tell you that. Grams 
 says you know and I hope you do. If I could live that last minute with you 
 over again, I would have told you how much I loved you. But I didn't. And 
 I'm so sorry. But I will always love you. You have to know that."
 She rose to her feet and for a moment looked down at the headstone. 
 Sometimes it was all so unreal. The Harmon Rabb she loved couldn't possibly 
 be buried here. He was still at JAG. Waiting for her to return. Or so she 
 could hope.
 
 "You okay?" Sturgis asked when she finally returned to the farmhouse.
 
 "Yeah" she nodded. "Did you load my stuff?"
 
 "All set. You want a moment to say goodbye to Grams?"
 
 "Please."
 
 "I'll meet you at the car."
  
Grams was sitting on the porch, working with her crochet hook, when Mac returned.  
"Everything OK dear and don't answer that because I know it's not."

"No ma'am it's not.  It's not ever going to be and I'm not even going to attempt to pretend it will.  
On the other hand Harm told me again just now he loved me."

"Did he now."  Grams took three more stitches before she looked up.  "Well that doesn't 
surprise me at all.  I know you've been telling him the same thing."

"Yes I have time and time again.  Except for that one time when I should have."

"Sarah he knows.  You may never have said the words but he knows.  That should be the least 
of your worries.  Figuring out how to go on without him is your priority now."

"Yes ma'am.  One day at a time.  Each day will pass."  She leaned down and kissed the elderly 
woman's cheek for the last time this visit.   

"And we'll all meet up yonder like the old gospel song says," Grams reminded her.  "You'll see 
him again.  Meanwhile he has his father and grandfather for company."

"And Jordan."

"I don't follow."

"Harm never mentioned a woman named Jordan he was seeing just before he left for flight 
duty?" Mac frowned.

"Honey the only woman Harmon ever mentioned to me was named Sarah Mackenzie."
===================
"OK this has to be a record for a woman," Sturgis laughed when he reached the DC Beltway 
four hours later.  From there it was just a few exits to Wisconsin Avenue and then to Mac's 
apartment.

"Sorry what?  I was dozing and thinking," she murmured.

"No kidding.  You hadn't said a word.  Not even when I cut off that idiot in the blue Miata and 
he flipped us off.  I expected you to scold me."

"Must be a sign of how much I trust you.  Well now that you've got my attention you may as 
well give me the bad news.  About the apartment I mean."

"Actually it was going to be a surprise but I may as well tell you that the Admiral and Meredith 
and Tiner and myself were over there most of last evening.  Your place is aired out and 
cleaned up and there's food in the fridge."

"I.  . . I don't know how to thank you."

"Well thank Meredith for ramrodding us men.  Bud would have come too but he's staying close 
to  home." 

"I wish I knew how to help there," she sighed, her thoughts going away from her own misery 
for the moment to what she knew of Harriet's health problems since the birth.  "And that 
reminds me, you were going to talk about changes at JAG and I kind of shut you out.  You 
want to come up and fill me in while I'm still conscious?"

"Yes I do," he said seriously, "as long as you're up to it.  You should know what you're going 
back to."

Thirty minutes later they were seated at her dining room table with coffee and muffins from the 
deli on the corner.  "OK let me have it," Mac sighed, taking a pinch off her chocolate chip one 
and nibbling at it.

"Well you know Tiner is heading for OCS and then he's going on sea duty for his first JAG 
assignment.  Ensign Tiner.  Unreal, but honestly he's such a bright kid.  I'm just sorry it's taken 
him this long to get it together."

"I'm glad for him," Mac smiled.  "He's got a really good future with the Navy and with JAG."

"And you may not be as glad for this next one," Sturgis went on slowly.  "The Admiral is putting 
in his retirement papers."

"No."

"Told you.  Yes.  Harm's death has really taken the wind from his sails as they say.  He and 
Meredith are going to be married and then they're leaving the area.  Hell they're leaving the 
east coast."

"Not even Florida?"

"South Texas.  Padre Island.  Beach property.  Quite a change."

"I'll say," she sniffled and suddenly burst into tears.  "I feel so mean for thinking this, but he's 
getting his dream, Meredith too--each other and the home and life I wanted with Harm."

"Totally understandable," he nodded and patted her arm.  "In fact the Admiral said he would 
understand if you didn't feel up to the wedding which is in something like six weeks."

"No I'd go.  If you'll be with me," she whispered and then grabbed both his hands.  "You're not 
leaving JAG are you?  Please tell me you're not?"

"Hey no relax.  We're getting some new people in and you and I are going to be working with 
them.  The new Admiral will be aboard to overlap next week in fact too."  He squeezed her 
hands back hard.  "No I'm here for the long haul it looks like."
 
 "Thank you. It's going to be so weird there with all these new faces. At 
 least you and Bud and Harriet will still be there."
 
 "And that's the rest of what I need to tell you" Sturgis sighed. "Bud and 
 Harriet."
 
 "What about them?" Mac frowned. "I know they couldn't make it down for the 
 funeral but I thought that was just because Harriet had just had Sarah."
 
 "No. We didn't want to tell you because you've had so much else to deal 
 with. Harriet won't be coming back to JAG and neither will Bud. There were 
 complications with the birth that have left her with some health issues. And 
 rather that risk any further problems, she's resigned and so has Bud."
 
 "Oh my gosh. Why didn't you tell me sooner?"
 
 "You had enough to deal with," Sturgis said gently. "I didn't think you 
 needed any more."
 
 "But they're both okay right? Harriet and the baby?"
 
 "They're fine now. But Harriet had some touch and go moments there for a while. 
 And I can't blame her for wanting to stay home and be with her children now 
 that she's gone through that."
 
 "So everyone is going to be gone?" Mac sighed. "Only you and I will be 
 there?"
 
 "Jen is staying. I think it was a hard decision for her but she's staying 
 on. Didn't ask to be reassigned.  And Gunny has rejoined the team."
 
 "Harm was like a big brother to her."
 
 "Yeah he was. But apparently her and Gunny have hit it off pretty well since 
 he's come to JAG."
 
 "I'm glad. I'm sure that's helped her. I just can't believe I'm going to go 
 back to an office of strangers."
 
 "Hey I'll still be there" Sturgis smiled. "I better not be a stranger."
 
 "No of course not. I just hope I don't depend on you too much."
 
 "Mac I'm here. For whatever you need. I know this isn't going to be easy for 
 you and I don't expect you to walk in there like nothing happened."
 
 "I'm afraid of how I'm going to react," she admitted softly. "I never once 
 thought of JAG without Harm. But that's exactly what it's going to be."
 
 "No one has touched his office yet," Sturgis said quietly. "And I can either 
 let you box up the stuff or I can go in and take care of it so you don't 
 have to. Just say the word and I'll do whatever you want."
 
 "Can I have the night to think on that? Right now I've got a thousand 
 thoughts going through my head and everything is pretty jumbled."
 
 "That's fine. Just let me know."
 
 "Thank you. I know I keep saying that but I really do appreciate everything 
 you've done. I don't know who else I would have turned to."
 
 "I'm just doing what Harm would have wanted" Sturgis sighed.
 
 "You're a good friend," Mac said with a small smile. "And I'm sure you've 
 got better things to do than baby sit me tonight."
 
 "You going to be okay alone?" he asked.
 
 "Yeah I'll be fine. You go on. I'll see you tomorrow."
 
 "All right. But call me if you need anything. Any time. I'm here for you."
 
 "I know," she said as she led him to the door. "But at the same time I need 
 to start figuring life out on my own."
 
 "It's not going to be easy Mac" Sturgis said softly. "But you've got people 
 who care about you. Don't forget that."
 
 He gave her a long hug and kissed her cheek before leaving her alone. She 
 closed the door behind him and with a long sigh headed to the sofa. She 
 suddenly felt very alone and she clutched the pillow close to her as she 
 felt the tears brimming again.
 
 "I don't know if I can do this Harm" she whispered as the first tears 
 trickled down her face. "It's so hard without you."
 
 Her tears were interrupted a few minutes later by a knock at the door and 
 she wiped them away before taking a deep breath and heading to the door.
 
 "What are you doing here?" she whispered when she opened the door and saw 
 Clay standing outside.
 
 "I wanted to see you."
 
 "I don't want to see you" Mac said as she started to close the door.
 
 "Sarah don't please" Clay begged.
 
 "Don't call me that," she shouted. "I told you never to call me that again."
 
"May I come in?  Mac?"

"I don't feel up to company Clay.  Especially not you."

"Mac how long are you going to hate me?"

"That's not a question I can answer right now.  Maybe for as long as I mourn Harm.  Which 
right now seems like it will be until I can join him."

"OK.  I probably deserve that.  At the moment I pretty much despise myself too.  Please 
though, promise me if you need anything, regardless of how things have gotten between us, 
that you'll come to me for help if you need it."

She nodded slowly, eyeing him up and down.  "How are you feeling?"

His mouth dropped open, surprised at the concern in her voice after her original disdain.  "I uh. 
. .I'm in therapy.  Physical and mental.  Condition of me coming back.  And I'm working a desk 
here for the next god knows how long until I'm certified for field duty.  But it's coming along.  
Thank you for asking."

"Yeah."  With that she closed the door quietly.

For the remainder of the evening she prowled the apartment, forcing herself to eat and to do 
laundry, to get a uniform ready for her first day back.  That night she lie awake most of the 
night, finding the noise of the city outside her window not conducive to sleep like the quiet of 
the mountains at Grams'.  But more than that, it was the fact that at Grams', Harm was not that 
far away.   Here in DC, he was no longer across town.  She managed a few hours of sleep just 
before dawn and at that point forced herself up and into the shower.  She would drive out to 
see Harriet and Bud, and then stop by JAG HQ.  If she was not in uniform--not on duty--she 
could acclimate herself more slowly.

Harriet herself was on the porch when she pulled up into the driveway mid morning.  She was 
sitting the swing, a small bundle in her arms and she literally beamed when she saw Mac.

"Don't get up," Mac urged as soon as she got out of the car and took the steps two at a time, 
stopping in awe when she saw the tiny baby girl face.

"Harriet she's beautiful."

"Thank you.  We finally did it.  We have our Sarah."  

Mac suppressed a sharp sob of envy and regret, sitting down beside Harriet and staring in 
fascination as the little mouth worked on her bottle.  "She's perfect, but Harriet how are you?  
Sturgis said you had some complications?  Obviously that was being kept from me."

"Yeah it was pretty touch and go for a while.  Just after you left DC, I was having pretty bad leg 
pains.  Well I just passed it off as overdoing.  Too much at the office, then chasing AJ, these 
steps and all.  But I was developing blood clots, and the night she was born, I woke up and 
couldn't breathe.  Long story short, they did a C section and treated the blockage and I'm fine 
now, but I'll be on medication for the rest of my life to prevent it happening again.  Next thing I 
know I'm being offered my disability retirement and here I am.  Bud took his too.  Decided he 
would be better home with us than stagnated with the Navy and I'm glad.  He's just started 
working part time at a law firm right in Falls Church and he's exploring a writing career.  Me I'm 
now a full time mom and I love it."

"I don't blame you," Mac whispered, reaching out a finger to touch the soft baby cheek.  "Now 
you can make a house full of babies."

"No that's not going to happen.  They had to do a hysterectomy," Harriet replied softly.  "But 
I'm OK with it now.  It was a blow at first, but I'm so lucky.  With Bud and AJ and now her. . 
.and I'm so sorry.  That was so insensitive.  I know it's what you wanted too."

"With Harm.  More than anything," Mac nodded with a soft sniffle.  "Some things are not meant 
to be.  And I have only myself to blame."

"How are you holding up?" she asked gently.  "I wanted so bad to go to the funeral.  To be 
there for you."

"Well I had plenty of support.  Sturgis has been wonderful.  I'm going to be OK.  I don't have 
much choice do I.  In fact I'm heading over there to JAG now.  Sturgis said there's new people 
aboard.  The admiral retiring.  Wow.  Changes."

"Big ones.  It's not the JAG it was two months ago.  Bud says the same thing."

  "It'll never be the same JAG" Mac said softly. "Not without Harm."
  
  "I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine what you're feeling."
  
  "Right now I just feel empty. Like everything has been taken away from me."
  
  "He loved you so much" Harriet whispered. "I know he did."
  
  "And I loved him" Mac sniffled. "Only I never got to tell him. I could have. 
  But I didn't. I was too busy being a Marine."
  
  "He knows Sarah" Harriet said gently. "He knows."
=============  
  An hour later Mac stepped off the elevator at JAG and took a deep breath. 
  She could do this. Harm would have wanted her to go on.
  
  "Ma'am it's so good to see you" Jen said as she walked up to Mac. "How are 
  you?"
  
  "I'm okay" Mac nodded as she looked around. "Is the Admiral in?"
  
  "Both Admirals are. Chegwidden and Summers."
  
  "Ma'am good to see you" Gunny said as he joined them. "I didn't realize you 
  were back in town."
  
  "Just got back. And trying to move on. And it's good to see you back here."
  
  "Well now that Tiner's gone" Gunny smiled. "Have you met the others yet?"
  
  "No" Mac sighed. "I'm not sure I'm ready to yet. I was just stopping in to 
  see how this feels."
  
  As she spoke a tall Marine Colonel slightly older than herself walked out of 
  Bud's office and Gunny motioned him over.
  
  "Colonel Carter Wynne this is Colonel Sarah Mackenzie" Gunny said proudly. 
  "Best damn Marine I've ever served with."
  
  "Thanks Gunny" Mac blushed. "And it's nice to meet you Carter."
  
  "I'm sorry for your loss" Carter said in a distinctly southern accent. "I 
  knew of the Commander and he's certainly going to be missed."
  
  "Yes he is" Mac nodded as she blinked back the tears.
  
  "Sturgis and I have been trying to keep this place afloat" Carter continued. 
  "But it sure will be nice to have you around."
  
  "I'm working on that," Mac said quietly. "Today is just a test to see if I 
  can do this or not."
  
  "Mac there you are" Sturgis smiled as he walked out of his office. "Did you 
  meet Carter?"
  
  "Yes I did" she nodded. "I was going to see the Admiral but Coates said he 
  was in with the other Admiral. So I figured I'd wait to see him later."
  
  "You up for going through Harm's office?" he asked gently. "If not, just say 
  the word and Coates and Gunny will take care of it. I'm not trying to push 
  but apparently there's going to be some more new people coming soon."
  
  Mac's eyes finally glanced to the office she'd avoided looking at since 
  she'd stepped off the elevator. The nameplate above the door still said his 
  name and she swallowed hard to keep the tears back.
  
  "Ma'am I'd be happy to do it for you" Jen said softly.
  
  "No it's okay" Mac whispered. "But I wouldn't mind some help. There's 
  probably plenty of stuff to be filed in there."
  
  Jen nodded and followed Mac towards the office while the three men looked 
  on.
  
  "She's hurting real bad sir" Gunny said to Sturgis.
  
  "Yes she is" Sturgis sighed. "I wish there was something I could do for her 
  but nothing will bring him back."
  
  Mac slowly opened the door to Harm's office and with another deep breath 
  headed inside. She closed her eyes and for a moment she could pretend that 
  he was still there. That Paraguay had never happened. That he was still 
  alive and still in her life.
  
  "Ma'am" Jen said softly. "Are you okay?"
  
  Mac nodded as she opened her eyes and looked at the younger woman. "Yeah I'm 
  okay. Let's do this while I can."
  
  She sat down in his chair and began the task of going through his desk. Work 
  related files she gave to Jen to take care of and it wasn't until she was 
  faced with his person stuff that she felt the tears brimming again. Her 
  hands shook as she picked up the picture of her and Harm at Bud and 
  Harriet's wedding that she'd found in the back of his drawer.
  
  "When was that?" Jen asked as she stood over Mac's shoulder.
  
  "Bud and Harriet's wedding" Mac sniffled. "It seems like a lifetime ago."
  
  "He was so handsome. How did you ever resist him and that smile?"
  
  "I didn't" Mac whispered. "I was in love with him from the moment we met. I 
  just never told him." Her words ended in a sob and without a thought Jen 
  wrapped her arms around Mac.
  
  "He knew ma'am" Jen whispered. "He knew and he loved you just as much."
   
 "Don't ever  stop telling me that," Mac sighed.  "I need to hear it.  Often.  It helps.  To be told 
that he knew I loved him."
 
 "No one who knew the two of you doubts it ma'am," Jen assured her.  "Are you going to be 
able to come back you think.  This has to be hard for you.  Excuse me for speaking freely 
ma'am but if it were me I might want to start over somewhere else."
 
 "It's a temptation," she nodded.  "But at the same time I can't see myself leaving where he and 
I were so close.  Right now just doing one day at a time."  She gave a long sniffle and stood 
up. "Enough wallowing.  Let's get this done."
 
 A half hour later they had stripped the office and made it ready for the next tenant. 
 
 "Mac I'll  help you with that stuff," Sturgis told her, seeing that she and Jen were finished.  
 
 "Thanks.  I suppose I should make myself available to the admiral and our new CO.  How is 
he?"
 
 "She."
 
 "Excuse me?"
 
"Admiral Summers.  She's a she.  Veronica is her first name."
 
 "How does she seem?"
 
 "Well she's riding herd on a lot of changes.  Replacements for Lieutenants Roberts and Sims 
are due in shortly, as is another senior attorney.  I've been working with Carter but the plan is 
to give him to you since he's pretty much feet wet and then I'll get Commander Hannon up to 
speed.  Who by the way is also of your sex and or gender.  Malinda is her first name.  We've 
spoken by phone.  She's coming from the JAG HQ, Fifth Fleet."
 
 Mac nodded slowly, feeling her head spin.  "Would you like to introduce me to the new CO, 
and then I think I'm at capacity for the day.  Thank you Petty Officer.  I couldn't have done this 
without you."
 
 "Yes ma'am you're welcome," Jen smiled and slipped out the door.
 
 Admirals Chegwidden and Summers were just emerging from his office when Sturgis guided 
Mac in their direction.
 
 "Colonel Mackenzie," Victoria smiled warmly and Mac liked her at once.
 
 "Yes ma'am.  Slightly out of uniform that I am ma'am.  Pleased to meet you."
 
 The woman whom Mac guessed to be about ten years her senior shook her hand firmly.  
"Welcome aboard.  Or back or whatever.  I'm glad to see you.  You come highly praised by 
both Admiral Chegwidden and Commander Turner.  I'm so very sorry for your loss.  I wish I 
could have known Commander Rabb.  I understand he was a fine officer and an even finer 
man."
 
 "Yes ma'am.  I assume they told you the story.  Of he and I and how we were and what 
happened?" Mac's words tumbled out in her desire to make sure Victoria knew the 
circumstance.
 
 "In detail Colonel.  May I call you Sarah?"
 
 "Mac please.  Ma'am I'll be back on duty tomorrow if that's OK."
 
 "More than," AJ spoke up.  "We're trying for a smooth transition here."
 
 "Yes sir.  Sir I'm so sorry to see you go but Meredith must be thrilled."
 
 "We're both looking forward.  Did you meet Mr. Wynne?  You're going to be working with him 
Commander Turner told you?"
 
 "Yes sir on both counts.  That's fine."  In the back of her mind she heard AJ's voice from long 
ago telling her and Harm not to get too close.  This time that would not be a problem.  She 
would never allow herself to get that attached to anyone again.
  
 **************
 "I'm okay Grams" Mac assured the older woman via telephone that evening. "It 
 was weird but I got through it."
 
 "You know it's not too late to come back here Sarah."
 
 "No Grams I have to do this. Harm would have wanted me to go on and that's 
 what I'm going to do."
 
 "Yes he would have" Grams agreed. "And I know you have your life to live. I 
 guess I just miss having you around."
 
 "I'll be up to visit plenty," Mac said softly. "That's where Harm is and 
 when I need to be close to him, I'll come up and visit."
 
 "Well don't be a stranger. I know once you get back to work you'll be busy 
 but keep in touch so I know how you are."
 
 "I will Grams. I promise. I'm not going to forget about you."
 
 "Just take care of yourself Sarah" Grams said softly. "I worry about you."
 
 "I'm okay. I've got Sturgis and the others. And I'm getting a whole new 
 group of coworkers so maybe that will be easier. And the new Admiral seems 
 really nice."
 
 "I'm glad honey. I want you to be happy."
 
 "I don't know if I'll ever be happy again" Mac sighed. "Right now I'm just 
 trying to get through each day."
 
 "Have you talked to Clayton?"
 
 "He stopped by last night but I'm not ready to talk to him yet. When I look 
 at him all I can think is that if it wasn't for him, Harm would still be 
 alive. I know it's not fair, but right now I can't help it."
 
 "Give him a chance Sarah. This has been difficult for him as well."
 
 "I know Grams. But right now I guess I'm just in the selfish mode. One day 
 maybe I'll forgive him. But I don't see that being any time soon."
 
 ******************
 JAG HQ's
 One Week Later
 
 "Very pleased to meet you Colonel" Commander Malinda Hannon said to Mac. 
 "Commander Turner spoke very highly of you."
 
 "Welcome aboard" Mac said with a small smile. "And thank you Sturgis."
 
 "Hey just telling her the truth" Sturgis smiled. "You are one of the best."
 
 "Commander Turner told me that it's been pretty hectic around here" Malinda 
 continued. "And quite frankly I'm looking forward to it."
 
 "Good. We need that attitude."
 
 "Yes we do" Sturgis nodded. "I guess you'd like to see your office."
 
 "Uh Sturgis before you do, I was going to talk to the Admirals about that" 
 Mac said quietly. "I wanted to give Malinda my office instead of her taking 
 Harm's office."
 
 "And you're going to move into Harm's office?"
 
 Mac nodded. "Yes. I don't see that it would be a problem."
 
 "Mac you sure that's a good idea?" he sighed.
 
 "Would you two like to discuss this alone?" Malinda asked quietly.
 
 "No it's okay," Mac said as she looked over at her. "You don't have to 
 leave. I don't know if Sturgis told you about Harm or not but I'm not going 
 to keep any secrets from anyone."
 
 "I know he was your partner and best friend for the last seven years" 
 Malinda answered.
 
 "And so much more" Mac whispered. "And I guess I was just thinking that I 
 could handle this better if I didn't see someone else in his office every 
 day. That if it was me instead, it would be easier."
 
 "I understand completely Colonel" Malinda nodded.
 
 "Mac please" Mac said with a small smile. "And thank you for understanding. 
 So if you don't mind waiting, I was going to check real quick and then I can 
 get my stuff moved over there and you can have my office."
 
 "Works fine for me."
 
 "If you're sure" Sturgis sighed.
 
 "I am. Please. It's easier this way."
 
 "All right. Make sure it's okay with the Admirals. And while you do that, 
 I'll show Malinda around."
 
 As he spoke Carter walked out of his office, smiling at once at Malinda.
 
 "Commander Hannon I presume" he said as he made his way over to them. 
 "Colonel Carter Wynne."
 
 "Malinda" she smiled. "You the other new kid on the block?"
 
 Carter nodded. "Just got here a few weeks ago. And loving it so far. Great 
 group of people here."
 
 "And more to come" Sturgis added. "The junior staff will be on board next 
 week."

"It'll be good to have everything up to speed and whatever's normal set in."
 
"Changes don't come easy sometimes though," Sturgis sighed.  "And in not even two months 
there's been a lifetime's worth."

Mac caught up with them a few minutes later.  "Yeah it's fine with Admiral Summers.  She's 
good with whatever we do that's going to keep the boat afloat."

"OK but that's a job for a couple of the guys," Sturgis told her firmly.  "I'll have Gunny get a 
detail together."

"Thanks Sturgis."

"Mac you got a second?" he spoke up suddenly, reclaiming her attention.

"For you any time.  What?"

"Dinner."

"Yeah.  I plan to eat it at some point.  Maybe I guess.  I don't really each much nowadays," she 
frowned, watching his face for clues as to what he was really trying to say.

Sturgis swallowed long and hard.  "Let me try again," he begged.  "Sarah, have dinner with 
me.  Um. . .not much of an improvement."

She blushed slightly.  "Doesn't matter.  Thank you for asking.  But I'm not really in the mood."

"Of course I understand."

"Hey I just meant tonight.  I didn't mean ever," she added hastily.  "Honestly I don't plan to hold 
up in my cave the rest of my life.  It just kind of feels safe there.  I don't think I told you that 
Trish is coming for the weekend.  She's going to close out Harm's apartment and I told her I'd 
help."

"Oh yeah?" He could not keep the look of concern from his face.

"Yeah she shouldn't have to alone.  She's got someone coming with a couple guys and a truck 
to donate most of the stuff to a shelter.  Some things she's having shipped to her place.  
Special mementos of course."

"You should have something special of his."

"Yeah that's what she said.  I'm just not sure what. . .or even if I could handle it.  But anyway I 
promised to help."

"What time should I meet you guys?"

"I'm sorry?"

"I'll help.  And then maybe the two women in my best friend's life will let me take them to dinner 
then."

"Sneaky way to get what you want," she smiled, reaching to encircle his wrist with her hand.  
"Thanks.  I'd love you have you there.  Can I let you know the time?"

"Sure.  Uh. . .Mac one more thing.  Uh. . .never mind."

"Whatever," she shrugged and started to walk away only to have him stop her with a hand to 
her shoulder.  

"Clay Webb called me this morning."

She stopped short, not turning around.  "And?"

"And he wanted to know how you were," Sturgis said mildly.  "Just checking up on you he said.  
We talked a couple of minutes."

"How did he sound?"

"Like he was still hurting, both mentally and physically.  And like he's concerned about you."

She nodded, not turning around.  "OK thanks for telling me.  I'm not sure why you did, but still 
I'm glad."

"Not a problem.  I did take the opportunity to remind him not to bother you."

"Thanks.  My head is not anywhere near together there.  I blame him, and I hate that I do.  And 
I hate myself more anyway.  I don't know if I see myself going the rest of my life this way but 
for right now it feels right.."

"OK.  Well let's get this move underway.  Need to get Commander Hannon installed."
 
 An hour later Mac sat down at her new desk, feeling at once like she 
 belonged. Harm's office was now hers. And it was almost as if he was still 
 with her.
 
 "Not the same Partner" she murmured. "I wish you were here."
 
 "Everything okay" Sturgis asked as he walked in.
 
 "Yeah this is good" Mac nodded. "I like this. And I'm sure Malinda will be 
 much more comfortable in my office."

 "You sure you don't mind being in here?"
 
 "It's actually comforting" Mac said with a small smile. "It's almost like 
 he's still here."
 
 "He's always with you I'm sure" Sturgis said softly. "At least that's what 
 I've always believed. Even when they're gone, they're still with us."
 
 *********************
 Saturday Afternoon
 Harm's Loft
 
 "I never knew he had so much stuff" Trish murmured as she surveyed the boxes 
 still in the loft. The men had taken the furniture and stuff to be donated 
 and now her and Mac were left with the task of going through his personal 
 belongings.
 
 "Shall we do the desk?" Mac asked.
 
 Trish nodded and brought a box over to the desk while Mac sat down in the 
 chair. She opened the first drawer, finding Harm's collection of tapes from 
 his father.
 
 "I'm guessing you'll want these back" Mac whispered as she pulled out the 
 box.
 
 Trish nodded and sniffled as she took the box from Mac. "Thank you. I hope 
 that Harm and his father have had a good reunion."
 
 "I'm sure they have" Mac nodded as she pulled out more stuff from the 
 drawer. There were several pictures and each time she saw one of her and 
 Harm she felt the tears brim. Memories of times they'd shared. And now all 
 she had was memories.
 
 "It gets easier Sarah" Trish said softly as Mac wiped away a stray tear. "I 
 know right now it doesn't seem like it ever will but one day it will."
 
 "How long did it take you?" Mac asked.
 
 "I had Harm to think of so I didn't allow myself all that much time" Trish 
 admitted. "When I met Frank, I knew I had to consider not just myself but 
 Harm as well."
 
 "But you never stopped loving Harm Sr. did you?"
 
 "No" Trish said softly. "A part of my heart will always be with him. But 
 that didn't mean I couldn't give the rest to someone else. As you will too 
 one day."
 
 "I can't even imagine it" Mac sighed. "I just can't."
 
 "Right now no, you probably can't. It was ripped away from you so suddenly 
 that I'm sure you can't think about what you'll do. But in time you'll learn 
 that you can have a life without Harm."
 
 "You think?"
 
 "I do Sarah. You're too young to spend the rest of your life alone."
 
 "I guess."
 
 "So tell me about the new people at JAG" Trish said when they took a break 
 to get some lemonade.
 
 "They're all real nice. The new Admiral especially. It's a she you know."
 
 "I'm impressed. So you're doing okay there?"
 
 "I have my good moments and bad," Mac admitted. "I'm in Harm's old office 
 now so that helps. I just couldn't imagine seeing anyone else in it so I 
 moved into there and gave the new person my office."
 
 "You sure that was a good idea?" Trish frowned.
 
 "Yeah it was. Honest I'm not going deep end here. I just feel closer to him 
 when I'm in there."
 
 "I'm sure you do. How is Mr. Webb?"
 
 "I guess okay. I haven't spoken to him."
 
 "He sent me a long letter," Trish said quietly. "Apologizing for what 
 happened. He feels very guilty."
 
 "As he should" Mac snapped.
 
 "That's not entirely fair is it?"
 
 "No ma'am" Mac sniffled. "If there's anyone to blame it's me."
 
 "Sarah that wasn't what I meant. I meant it's not one's fault that Harm is 
 dead. Not yours and not Mr. Webb's."
  
"Do you know why I agreed to go with Clay?"

"Well I figured you were asked to volunteer for a job," Trish frowned.  "Something more?"

"Yes there was," she murmured.  "Harm and I were like we were stuck in clay, no pun 
intended.  Just going on day to day.  I just felt like maybe getting away for a little bit could 
maybe give us some impetus to move forward.  Do you know what he said to me the night I 
said goodbye?  Came over to check on him after his trial and to tell him I was going."

"What was that?"

"Don't go.  And then I told him he was only like this when I have one foot gone and that his 
interest fades when I might actually be in a position to return it."

"Well you know men tend to think they've got all the time in the world," Trish sighed.  "Mac I 
know he loved you.  You believe that don't you."

"Sometimes.  Sometimes I get this real feeling of peace over me and I know he died knowing I 
did.  Then other times all I've got is regrets."

"No one lives a life without those."  

"I guess.  Don't forget Sturgis is coming to take us to dinner."

"I'm looking forward.  I had a chance to talk to him at Grams'.  Such a nice man."

Mac could not suppress a small giggle.  "OK go ahead and tell me I could do worse."

"Well you could."

"I have.  Plenty of times.  Trish would it be OK if I got some air.  Ten minutes around the block 
and then I promise I'll come back in a better frame of mind.  We'll get done, get cleaned up and 
have a nice time."

"Of course.  Go and don't hurry.  I'm fine here.  We have tomorrow to finish anyway."

Mac gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and hurried out, leaving Trish in the center of a rapidly 
depersonalizing apartment.  Carefully she bundled the tapes from her late husband.  Priceless 
words of a man dead more than thirty years.  She reached into the back of the drawer and 
frowned when her fingers touched another box.   She pulled it out and opened it.  More tapes.  
Not from Harm Sr., these were made on a different machine, one of far more recent 
manufacture.  Each was labeled, month and year.  Some spanning a single month, others 
three or four.  "Harmon what. . ." she murmured, taking one at random and inserting it into the 
tape machine on the desk.

Harm's voice came to her, clear and firm, and she jumped when she heard it.  "Against my 
better judgment I let Mac and Renee talk me into a double date of sorts.  Jeez are we still in 
high school here or what.  I didn't want to go.  When will I listen to myself.  Mac and Brumby 
got into a wedding discussion.  Like I wanted to hear about that.  Talk of big weddings and 
then goats and hillsides.  At one point my emotions got the best of me and I sent Mac a look 
across the table that I could not help.  In fact I had to bite my tongue to keep from saying 
exactly what was on my mind.  That no way was I going to let her marry this Australian bozo."

Trish broke in to peals of laughter as she shut the machine off and removed the tape.  
"Harmon that was so typically you," she gasped, having difficulty getting her breath as every 
time she thought of 'Australian Bozo' she started up again.  "Mac wait till you hear this," she 
gasped again.  Almost at once she quieted herself and looked through the tapes.  From 
January, 97 to May 03 they were in chronological order.  Her fingers went to the last tape.  
Here very likely were Harm's thoughts regarding Mac's travel to Paraguay.  Something Mac 
should hear.  Or not.  Certainly not until she had a chance to listen to it first.
  
  Her own tears started as she listened to Harm's words, his love for Mac very 
  obvious as he talked about her upcoming mission.
  
  "I don't want her to go. But nothing I said could have stopped her. I have a 
  bad feeling about this mission and I shouldn't have let her go. If I'd told 
  her the truth, maybe she wouldn't have gone. But she didn't give me that 
  chance. I hesitated too long and she walked out before I could tell her I loved her."
  
  Trish clicked off the tape and after wiping her tears let out a long sigh. 
  There had never been any doubt in her mind that Harm loved Sarah. And now 
  maybe Sarah would believe it too.
  
  "Feeling better?" Trish asked when Mac returned from her walk.
  
  "A little. I guess we should start wrapping it up here. Sturgis will be here 
  soon to take us to dinner."
  
  Trish nodded and quietly slipped the tape into Mac's purse when she wasn't 
  looking. She would find it later and be able to listen to it alone. Maybe it 
  would bring her some comfort.
  
  Sturgis arrived a short time later and gave both Mac and Trish hugs.
  
  "How you two doing?" he asked. "You holding up okay?"
  
  "We're keeping each other together," Trish said with a small smile. "I hear 
  you're taking us to dinner."
  
  "Yes ma'am. I figured after a long day of this you'd need a break. And I 
  know how limited Mac's cooking skills are." His words ended with a smile and 
  Mac gave his arm a playful punch.
  
  "Gee thanks. I won't be inviting you over for dinner anytime soon."
  
  Hey just kidding" he said quickly. "I better get an invite some time."
  
  "We'll see."
  
  "So is this it?" Sturgis asked as he pointed to the few boxes on the floor.
  
  "That's it" Trish said softly. "The guys took the other stuff to charity."
  
  "Why don't I take those down and then you two can lock up and meet me down 
  there" Sturgis offered.
  
  Trish nodded and once Sturgis was gone turned to Mac.
  
  "You okay?" she asked. "I know this isn't easy."
  
  "It just makes it so much more final" Mac whispered as she felt the tears 
  brimming again. "That he's never coming back again."
  
  "No Sarah he's not" Trish whispered as she put her arm around Mac. "But 
  he'll always be with you."
  
  "Why?" Mac cried. "Why did he have to die. Why wasn't it me?"
  
  "Oh honey I wish I could give you those answers" Trish sniffled as she 
  hugged Mac. "But I don't have them. None of us does. We just have to believe 
  that in the end, God has a plan for all of us. And that one day you'll be 
  reunited with Harm."
  
  Mac sobbed quietly for several minutes before finally raising her head. "I'm 
  sorry. I know this isn't any easier for you than it is for me."
  
  "No dear it's not" Trish sighed. "But somehow we have to move on."
  
  "Yes we do" Mac said as she wiped her face. "I guess we should go before 
  Sturgis starts worrying."
  
  "He's a nice young man. And it's very kind of him to take us to dinner. 
  Neither of us needs to be alone."
  
  Sturgis was in fact pacing outside his car and he frowned when he saw Mac's 
  face.
  
  "You okay?"
  
  "Yeah I'm fine," she said with a forced smile. "So what's for dinner?"
  
  "Anywhere you ladies would like to go" he said as he led them to the car. 
  "What's your choice?"
  
  "You choose Sarah" Trish answered. "I've only been in DC a few time so I'm 
  not real familiar with the area. I'm good with anything."
 
 "Sturgis go down along the water," Mac urged.  "Seafood is sounding good."
 
 "OK.  I'll park and we'll see what doesn't have an hour's wait."
 ========
 "Sturgis thank you so much," Trish smiled once dinner was done.  "I didn't think I could eat but 
I was actually hungry once I got started."
 
 "You're very welcome," he laughed.  "Mac I see you managed to put away about a dozen 
shrimp.  Nice job."
 
 "Yeah once I got going.  And it felt good to laugh a little too.  Trish thanks for the Harm stories.  
You had us going."
 
 "I'm glad. It felt good you're right," she sighed.  "Mac I want you to come out to LaJolla soon 
as you feel like it.  We've got a big place on the water, lots of room, and the ocean is wonderful 
for relieving stress.  You can walk for miles on the beach with the water lapping at your feet 
and the gulls yammering and the noise of the waves and pretty soon you're not dwelling on 
your problems."
 
 "I. . .well you know I'm just taking it each day," she replied, "but yeah I think getting away at 
some point will sound great.  Thank you.  I plan to spend some time up at Grams' too.  Harm's 
buried there but it's more than that--just the fact that he spent so much time there."
 
 "I talked to her just before I left California," Trish nodded.  "She's still holding out hope you'll 
give up DC and come up there to live."
 
 "Well I guess I'm keeping my options open," she replied.  "Not something I'm considering right 
now though."
 
 "Of course not," Sturgis spoke up.  "You don't want to make any changes too soon."
 
 Mac shook her head.  "Each day as it comes."
 
 "Well I for one am ready for this day to end," Trish declared.   
 
 "Your car awaits," Sturgis nodded.  "I'm sure you're both tired."   
 
 Once back at Mac's apartment, Trish was only too glad to bid Sturgis good night and start 
upstairs.  Mac stood hesitantly, looking from Sturgis to the door.  "If you're not sick of me, I 
wouldn't mind a walk," she ventured shyly.
 
 "I have nothing to hurry home to."  He cocked his arm and offered it to her.  "It's a beautiful 
night, and I'm with a beautiful woman."
 
 She blushed slightly as the wrapped her arm with his and they started off.  "You've been so 
great to me.  And I appreciate it so much.  I know Harm would thank you for. . .well I hope he 
would. . ."
 
 "He would want me to take care of you," Sturgis smiled.  "For as long as you need me to."
 
 "Well the Marine in me wants to say I'm fine and I can manage.  The Sarah in me is glad."
 
 "Hey, I'm there for you as much as you need," he said firmly.  "Or as much as you want me to 
be."
 
 "And that makes me feel good inside.  I need to know there's someone I can count on."  She 
took a deep breath for courage before adding, "And if that dinner invitation still goes for an 
evening real soon, I'd like that a lot." 
 
 "Of course" he smiled. "Just name a time and place."
 
 "Maybe next weekend. Trish will be gone and it'll be pretty quiet again."
 
 "Sounds good. I'd love to have your company again."
 
 "You're not sick of me?" Mac smiled.
 
 "Never. You're very good company Sarah Mackenzie."
 
 "Thank you for tonight. We both needed this. It hasn't been easy getting on 
 with life and you've certainly made it easier."
 
 "Any time. I'm always here. You know that."
 
 "I do" Mac said softly. "And for that I can't thank you enough. I never 
 imagined I'd go on without Harm. But I'm still at JAG and so far I'm doing 
 okay."
 
 "And next week we'll get the new kids aboard" Sturgis laughed. "That should 
 be fun."
 
 "On that note walk me back" she smiled. "I need to get myself prepared for 
 that. I suppose their fresh out of OCS."
 
 "Not quite that young. But they're pretty green. And I think Admiral Summers 
 is looking for us to shape them up."
 
 "Harm was so good at that," Mac said softly.
 
 "I know. He turned Bud into a fine attorney. It's a shame he and Harriet had 
 to opt out early."
 
 "Yeah it is" she nodded. "So what do you think of Carter and Malinda so 
 far."
 
 "Good people. I think they're going to work real well. And it's real good 
 having Gunny and Jen there."
 
 "Yeah it is. It doesn't seem so foreign."
 
 "We'll get used to it" he smiled. "And I should walk you back. I'm sure 
 you're exhausted after today."
 
 "Yeah I am" Mac admitted. "But at least it's over. I think both Trish and I 
 needed that closure."
 
 "Does it make it seem more real?" Sturgis asked quietly.
 
 "Oh yeah" Mac whispered, tears brimming in her brown eyes. "It forced me to 
 realize Harm isn't coming back. He's gone. And all I can do is go on from 
 here."
 
 "I wish he was. For your sake. For Trish's. Hell for my own."
 
 "You miss him too don't you?"
 
 "He was a good friend who shouldn't have died. He had his whole life with 
 you still ahead of him."
 
 "You think he would have married me one day?" Mac sniffled.
 
 "Oh yeah. He loved you Sarah. Don't ever doubt that he would have followed through with 
that."
 
 He walked her back to her apartment and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek 
 before heading off. With a long sigh she headed upstairs to her apartment 
 where Trish was watching TV.
 
 "Good walk?" she smiled.
 
 "Yeah. Sturgis is a good friend."
 
 "He cares for you a lot," Trish said softly. "And speaking of someone who 
 cares, Clayton Webb called while you were out."
 
 "I hope you told him I don't want to talk to him" Mac sighed as she sat 
 down.
 
 "No. I just told him you weren't available."
 
 "You think I should talk to him don't you?"
 
 "I think you're blaming him and it's not all his. And he's hurting very 
 badly Sarah."
 
 "I just don't know if I can talk to him yet," Mac said softly. "Not without 
 screaming at him for doing this to me."
 
 "I know. And it may take time but eventually you'll realize this isn't his 
 fault."
 
 "Maybe. But not any time soon."
 
 "I'm going to go take a bath and relax for a while," Trish said as she stood 
 up. "I'd love to share a cup of tea with you after that."
 
 "Sounds good" Mac smiled.
 
 "Thank you for helping me today" Trish said quietly. "I don't know if I 
 could have gotten through this without your help."
  
"I wanted to.  I needed to," she sighed, dropping down onto the sofa.  "Have a nice bath.  Hey I 
have some ginger bath salts that are great."

"I'm going to take you up on that," Trish smiled.  

Mac clicked off the TV as soon as Trish left the room and looked idly at the canvas bag she 
had brought from Harm's.  A couple of the pictures from his place, a model of a Tomcat he had 
put together, nothing big.  Trish had the majority of his personal items which she would help 
her ship to LaJolla.  Resignedly she opened the bag and began to pull the items out, frowning 
at the touch of the unfamiliar box, not remembering putting it in the bag.

"A tape?"  Her frown deepened, recalling that Trish had packed all of the Harm Sr. tapes into 
her own box.  Keeping the tape in her hand she pushed herself from the sofa and knocked at 
the bathroom door.  "Trish, did you give me a tape from Harm's to bring home?"

There was silence on the other side for a few seconds and Mac started to knock again when 
Trish laughed lightly.  "Honey there was a box of them.  Made just since JAG.  I saved them for 
you, but that one. . .well that one you need to hear.  Thing is, it's Harm's voice so it might be 
hard for you.  This one is special but you'll at some point want to hear the others too I think."

"Special?" she whispered, feeling tears threaten.

"Yeah."

"OK thanks Trish."  Mac returned to the living room, setting the tape onto the coffee table as 
she curled into a ball on the sofa, wondering why Harm would have made tapes during the 
years of his JAG service.

She had not moved when Trish returned and the older woman's hand on her shoulder startled 
her from her thoughts.  "Haven't listened?"

"Can't," she sighed.  "You need anything?  Except my six out of your bed?"

"Not a thing," Trish smiled.  "Unless you want to call Sturgis and tell him I can very well take a 
cab to the airport tomorrow."

"Well I could do that, but then I'd get the lecture about what the hell else did he have to do with 
his time," Mac sighed.  "So we'll let him take you, and then I'll let him come up for a while when 
we come back and it will make a long day go faster, and please him to boot."

"You're a good person Sarah Mackenzie," Trish smiled, kissing her cheek.

Mac left the tape where it sat, retreating to her bedroom.  As soon as she got into bed, she 
gathered the spare pillow to her, pressing her head deep inside, prepared for tears that she did 
not want Trish to hear.  This time they did not come.  The only thing she experienced was a 
dry-eyed but intense longing.  Longing for the man she would never hold.  The bedside clock 
turned midnight, then 1AM and then 2AM.  Sleep was not coming, and she wished at that 
moment she was at Grams', listening to the wind blow down the valley, rustling the ancient 
trees, scattering bits of the dirt and leaves atop Harm's grave.

The tape was on her mind she finally admitted to herself.  'Special' Trish had told her.  She 
wanted to hear Harm's voice, and then again she did not.  Hearing him could be comforting or 
could set off a yearning for him that she could not overcome.  Trish had heard the tape.  
'Special'.  

Silently she slipped from the bed.  The box was where she had left it.  Trish was sound asleep, 
her face turned from the room.  Carefully she lifted the box and took in back to the bedroom.  
For a long time she sat cross-legged on the bed, turning it over and over in her hand.  "What 
did you put on here Harm?" she murmured.  "And on the other tapes your mom talked about?"

It was a common type tape and the small stereo she kept on her dresser to listen to music 
while she dressed would play it.  "Mackenzie  you can sit up here all night and wonder, or you 
can take your chances and listen," she chided herself, and with a deep breath pushed herself 
off the bed to insert the tape.  She was back holding onto the pillow by the time the voice came 
on.  Even though she had been ready, she still jumped and covered her face when she heard.  
Harmon Rabb might just as well have been standing in the room with her.
  
 Tears immediately rushed from her eyes; the voice that she hadn't heard for 
 what seemed forever was there again. And that same voice was telling her how 
 much he loved her.
 
 "Oh Harm" she sobbed as she buried her head in the pillow and cried. Cried 
 for the life that had been lost. And the life together that they would never 
 have because of one choice she'd made.
 
 "Sarah" Trish said gently as she walked into the bedroom. She'd gotten up to 
 use the bathroom and had heard Mac sobbing in her room.
 
 "Why did I do it" she sobbed as Trish sat down next to her on the bed and 
 gathered her in her arms. "Why did I have to go with Clay?"
 
 Trish could over her no answers and simply hugged her until her tears 
 diminished.
 
 "I'm sorry" Mac whispered. "I didn't mean to wake you."
 
 "It's okay. I didn't think hearing the tape would upset you so much. I 
 thought you would get some comfort knowing how much he loved you."
 
 "He'd still be alive if I hadn't gone with Clay" Mac sniffled. "And we could 
 still be have a life together."
 
 "Mac you can't spend the rest of your life berating yourself for that one 
 decision" Trish said softly. "Nothing will change what has happened. And 
 Harm wouldn't want you to do that to yourself. He wouldn't blame anyone for 
 what happened."
 
 "The other tapes" Mac whispered.
 
 "More of how he feels about you" Trish said with a small smile. "He loved 
 you so much dear. From the moment you two met he was in love."
 
 "It was so weird hearing his voice like that again. It was like he was 
 here."
 
 "I used to listen to Harm Sr.'s tapes when I missed him" Trish admitted. "I 
 could close my eyes and pretend he was still there. Sometimes it was almost 
 like he was in the room talking with me."
 
 "Was it hard to listen to them at first?"
 
 "Oh yeah. And right now it might be too hard for you. But in time, you'll 
 find comfort from these. Hearing his voice and knowing how much he loved 
 you."
 
 "One day" Mac whispered. "And I am sorry about waking you."
 
 "It's okay. I honestly wasn't sleeping that well anyway. How about I make us 
 both some tea? Maybe that will help."
 
 Mac nodded and she followed Trish to the kitchen. A few minutes later they 
 returned to the living room with cups of hot tea.
 
 "I think I'm going to go back to Grams' for a visit" Mac said quietly. "I 
 always feel closer to him there."
 
 "You're not ready to face everything without him are you?"
 
 "I thought I was. But hearing his voice just made me realize how much I miss 
 him. And now I'm not sure I'm ever going to get over losing him."
 
 "You will. But not overnight. And I think Harm would be disappointed that 
 you're giving up so easily. You know he would have wanted you to go on in 
 life."
 
 "I'm trying Trish."
 
 "I know honey. But before you retreat away, give it another chance. You've 
 still got friends here that care about you."
 
 "Well everyone at JAG is new," Mac said softly. "In fact I've got two new 
 staff coming on Monday."
 
 "Young folks?"
 
 "Oh yeah. Younger than when Harm and I started at JAG."
 
 "Male and female?"
 
 "I think so," Mac said with a small smile. "It should be interesting that's 
 for sure."
 
 "Sarah you have a lot of life left to live" Trish said gently. "Don't quit 
 now. Harm wouldn't want you to."
  
"Trish, knowing your son, and in the face of the evidence he loved me," Mac said slowly.  "If 
the situation had been reversed.  If I had died. . ."

Trish smiled and took both Mac's hands in hers.  "If he had lost you, he would have been 
devastated, and I'm not sure he could have gone on.  But I'm betting you're stronger than he 
would have been.  I'd like to see you prove me right."

"Yeah so would I," she sighed.  "You said there were more of these tapes right?"

"Yes.  You can just pick one at random any time you want to hear his voice.  I'm guessing he 
chronicled his time at JAG but not his professional time.  The time he spent loving you."

"Could you bring me one--just grab one at random.  I need to hear this," she sighed.

Trish shrugged and returned with one dated Feb. 2000.  A few seconds later Harm's voice, this 
time etched with a decided note of sadness filled the room.

"Mac left DC today.  After the whole Drop Zone case I guess she felt she had to get away.  I 
wish she had talked to me first.  Of course I wish I had gone to see her instead of being busy 
with Renee.  She ran to Mic's bed.  Thirty days leave in Sydney.  If she comes back wearing 
that cursed ring on her left hand I'll have only myself to blame.  At least I managed one thing I 
feel good about.  I would bet a month's pay it was that bitch Singer who set her up.  In fact I felt 
so strongly I paid the Lieutenant a visit and let her know in no uncertain terms what I would do 
if I could prove my theory.  If I ever find out she's hurt Mac. . .well it would suck to be her.  
Meanwhile, maybe Mac and the Australian bozo will break up while she's there.  Right.  Of 
course if I had a set, I'd pick up the phone and tell her to come home, that I love her."

Mac listened, dry eyed, her mouth open. Trish cut off the stereo and smiled softly.  "My son 
loved you.  Don't ever again doubt that."

"I loved him.  And neither of us did a damn thing about it."

"We're all guilty of thinking we'll have a thousand tomorrow's," Trish told her gently.  
"Something you might want to think about with regard to Mr. Webb.  Good night again.  You 
OK?"

"Yeah.  I am, thank you.  I think I can sleep now."

With the extra pillow cuddled to her, she closed her eyes.  Trish was right. Hearing Harm's 
voice did help, even if what he was saying set off new regrets and 'what if's'.  Sleep was just 
about to take her when Trish's words echoed from deep inside.  'Thousand tomorrows. . .Mr. 
Webb.'

"Maybe someday when the hurt is not so raw," she promised herself just before she dropped 
off.

THE END.
Chapter 2 will begin on Sat. 13 Sep 03