Title: Today I – One Final Time
Author: Eff - lora_8664@yahoo.com
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Lifeline... maybe.
Disclaimer: Don’t own them, wish I did, and then I
wouldn’t have been here writing fan fiction.
Summery: Angest fic. Harm says goodbye.
Author’s note: I really wasn't sure about posting
this. I haven't posted anything in a long time. Thanks
to Wizkid , Maia and Jennie for their kind words.
Archive: BTL

“Baby, I can bring you to a kiss from a rose on the
grave
Ooo, the more I get of you, stranger it feels - the
air
Now that your rose is in bloom
A light hits the gloom on the grave

I've been kissed by a rose on the grave
I've been kissed by a rose on the grave”

*******************************************************

Today, everything’s different.
Today I say goodbye.
I hate goodbyes. Always have, always will. 
I never thought I’ll have to say goodbye this way, but
in a way I always knew I would.

“Goodbye Nicky,” I whisper to the wind. I don’t think
even the wind is listening to me today.

“So what do I do now? It’s been so long.” 

I feel the tears falling down my cheeks but I don’t
wipe them away. Maybe the wind will take them.

I try to say something else, but the words don’t seem
to come out, just a sigh.

I fall down to my knees with little control over my
movements. I just couldn’t stand anymore, fighting
gravity. The red rose I was holding fell to the ground
beside me. The wind is killing it, as it is killing
me.

“Why did you have to die, Nicky?” I look away for a
second and then look back at the gravestone in front
of me. “Why did you have to let go?”

I take a handful of dirt in my hand and hold it
tightly till it all slips away, just like she slipped
away. 
Slowly. 
Painfully.

I let go only when I notice the sharp pain of my nails
against my palm.

“I still love you, Nick. I can still hear you laugh.”
I sniff, trying to hold myself together somehow. “I
remember how you laughed at our wedding. I wanted to
give you everything, Nick, and you acted like it
didn’t matter that your family wasn’t there. For me.” 
I run my hand through my short hair, cleaning it of
the falling leaves, letting the wind take them away. 
It takes everything away.

“It did matter, and I will never forgive them for
that.”
My eyes become clearer with anger in an instant.
“I will never forgive them for not coming to see their
granddaughter. I will not forgive them for not being
at her funeral. And I will not,” I cried
uncontrollably by then, “forgive them for taking you
away.”

I cry till I can talk again, more calmly now.

“I never wanted that annulment, Nicky, you have to
know that. I wanted to be with you every second of
every day for the rest of my life. But I wasn’t
strong.” I start crying again, quietly. “I wasn’t
strong enough to fight; I just wanted my little girl
back.”

“I am so sorry for not being strong enough for you," I
sob, "I knew it was my fault the first time you tried
to kill yourself, and I’ve known it ever since. They
wouldn’t let me see you, Nicky, I wanted to visit, I
swear,” I start yelling, louder than I should, but the
wind whistles harder. It always has to be the best. 

I finally let it all out. All the anger and sorrow
that were built up over the years when her parents
kept her committed, away from me, when they got the
annulment and wouldn’t let me keep my wife, when we
lost our baby, finally burst out.

I let myself calm down.

“You’ve been away for so long, but I never forgot you.
Whenever I needed comfort I found a picture of you, of
Angela, of my family and everything was better for a
second, and then I remembered. I remembered I lost
you.”

I run my hand gently over the tombstone, savoring its
cold unearthly touch and the engravings on it ‘Nicole
Reeves Rabb’.

“All the time I knew you were here, I couldn’t move
on. I know you knew it, because you knew me. And now
there’s someone else, another picture I’m looking at
and I just… I don’t know how to let go. Help me,” I
beg my long lost love, “help me find my peace. Help me
let go of you, my lifeline, and let Sarah have that
job.”

I look at the tombstone sadly, as if I was looking
into her eyes.

“Goodbye, my love, one final time.”

I kiss the rose gently and put it on the new grave. I
know she knew how I felt; I know she loved me too. 
And I know she was letting me go by dying, cutting my
lifeline before I was ready, maybe trying to give me
another.

The wind shifted and changed, causing the trees to cry
with me.
 Everything is different today. Today, I’m no longer
Nicky’s, today I’m Mac’s.


The End

So, should there be a sequel? Let me know! lora_8664@yahoo.com