"To A Skylark: Saying Goodbye and Finding Forgiveness"

Author Name: Kate Martin (plane_jane00@yahoo.com)
Rating: PG (strong language)
Spoilers: None
Disclaimer: Harm and Mac aren't mine...what a pity.
Summary: Mac has to cope with hateful words and lost
chances.

"To A Skylark: Saying Goodbye and Finding Forgiveness"


'Hail to thee, blithe Spirit!
Bird thou never wert,
That from Heaven, or near it,
Pourest thy full heart
In profuse strains of unpremeditated art.'

   She wasn’t sure what time it was. If you were to
ask her the day, she wouldn’t be able to tell you.
Time had stopped for her three days ago. It had
stopped when her heart had stopped. Now all she had
left were the words of a beautiful, long dead poet and
the ghost of her best friend. But these memories were
laced with bitter agony- she had failed him. He had
died thinking that she hated him and it was
threatening to destroy her.

'Higher still and higher
From the earth thou springest
Like a cloud of fire;
The blue deep thou wingest,
And singing still dost soar, and soaring ever
singest.'

'In the golden lightning
Of the sunken sun,
O’er which clouds are bright’ning,
Thou dost float and run;
Like an unbodied joy whose race is just begun.'

   Her pain was slowly taking over. “Oh Harm! I didn’t
mean it.”

   The chaplain was talking but she couldn’t hear his
words. The conversation they had five days ago was
still replaying in her head. The malice she had placed
in her words would tear at her soul until the day she
died. Why had she said the things she said?

**Five Days Ago**

Mac’s Apartment
1947 Hours

   Harm was standing outside her door waiting for her
to answer. He knew that she had seen him with that
aggravating blonde that kept hitting on him. And
instead of trying to explain what happened, he enjoyed
watching her get jealous. But now it was time for the
selfish games to stop.

   “Mac…Sarah? Please open the door and let me
explain.”

   Then, slowly, but surely, the door opened to reveal
a very livid Marine Lieutenant Colonel. “What do you
want Commander?” she questioned tersely.
  
   “Come on Mac…don’t be that way.”

   She looked at him in disbelief. “Be what way? You
know what Commander? I’m tired of these games where
you build my hopes up and then drop me on my ass. I’m
through trying to waste my time on your stubborn ass,
my heart won’t take anymore! So from now on, just stay
the hell away from me. In the office I’m Colonel
Mackenzie. Do you understand?”

   To say he was shocked was minimal. “Mac I…that’s
not fair. You’re acting like a jealous girlfriend when
you have no right to be. Did you even let me explain
what happened?”

   “You don’t need to explain your actions to me. I’ve
seen them plenty. You just needed someone to keep your
bed warm and not question you about all your little
neuroses. No one to question about Daddy Dearest, no
one to see your many faults!” The minute she said
them, she wished that she could take them back. The
pain that flickered in his beautiful eyes was almost
enough to make her cry- almost. She wanted to make him
hurt as much as she had, and by god that was what she
had done.

   Her words sent him into defense mode. “What’s the
matter Colonel? Are you jealous because you haven’t
gotten any since Brumby left you? Is that why you’re
being such a bitch to…”

   He didn’t get to finish his words because her fist
connected solidly with his jaw. “I hate you Harmon
Rabb and I never want to see you again! Now leave
before I call the cops.” With that she slammed the
door and her heart on Harmon Rabb Jr.

   He sat there dazed and disgusted with himself. Had
he just said those things to her? Had she really said
those things to him? He knew that this was the last
shred of friendship with Sarah Mackenzie, and that it
was gone.

   With that, he got up and walked away from the only
woman he ever truly loved. He drove home in a blind
stupor. As he walked through the door to his
apartment, he saw the message light blinking on his
answering machine. Hope flooded through him because he
thought that maybe Mac had decided to call him so they
could work things out.

   He pressed the button with barely contained
excitement. “Rabb, it’s me Webb. I need a favor…”

**Back To The Present**

   When the Admiral had called her into his office two
days later, the words he gave her shattered her world.
Her best friend was at Bethesda fighting for his life.
He had been shot twice in the chest while leaving his
apartment. Her world ended at that moment and she
didn’t know how to pick up the pieces.

   The Admiral had insisted going with her and when
they got there, she heard the words that could end her
very being, the words that tore and gnawed at her
soul.

   “I’m sorry. The doctors did all they could, but it
wasn’t enough. He’s gone.”

   Her earth-shattering scream was the only sound she
had uttered to anyone since then. 

   And now she sat next to Trish Burnett at the
funeral for that only man that she had ever truly
loved. She clutched the journal that she had found at
his apartment to her chest and the words of the priest
were replaced by his sweet, melodic voice.

'The pale purple even
Melts around thy flight;
Like a star of Heaven,
In the broad daylight
Thou art unseen, but yet I hear thy shrill delight,'

'Keen as are the arrows
Of that silver sphere,
Whose intense lamp narrows
In the white dawn clear
Until we hardly see—we feel what is there.'

   Tears flowed freely as the burden on her heart was
beginning to weigh more and more. She brought her hand
up to her chest where she could feel his gold
wings—those damn gold wings that had gotten in their
way so many damn times, and yet they were a part of
him, a part of him that she cherished. She would
cherish these damn gold wings until her dying day.

   She was trying desperately not to feel the
guilt—the guilt of telling your best friend that you
hated him. She knew Harmon Rabb well enough to know
that her words had hurt him deeply. Had he died
believing that his partner and best friend hated him?
Everyone had tried to assure her that he had died
knowing that she loved him. But she couldn’t be sure.
She was sure that she loved him, of that she would
always be sure. She wasn’t sure whether or not he
knew.

   She had found a journal at his apartment. When she
began reading it, it was a means for her to feel him.
And feel him she did. He had written her a letter
Sunday before he died and put it in his journal.

      My Dearest Sarah,

   We talk in circles around each other and say things
we never mean; at least I hope you don’t hate me. It
seems like all I ever give to you anymore is pain. And
it’s killing me inside. I’ve never met anyone like you
Sarah Mackenzie and that scares me. It scares me
because I never thought my heart would be capable of
loving anyone the way I love you. You brought light
into every shadow of my world. You saw through my crap
and you were still my friend. Never sale yourself
short Marine, your the most amazing person that I’ve
ever met. If I weren’t terrified, I’d walk right up to
you and tell you all of this and so much more. But I
am terrified. I’m terrified that I’ve lost my best
friend. I don’t know how I’ll make it up to you. Maybe
someday you will stop hating me long enough to hear me
say that I love you. I will always love you.

                                                      
                                      Love Always,
                                                      
                                            Harm

   “I love you too Harm.”

   The muffled sobs of the woman next to her caught
her attention. It was then she realized that it was
her who was crying. Gone was the stoic Marine and in
her place was a woman who had been given the world
with his words, only to have him taken away. She knew
her heart would never love like this again.

'All the earth and air
With thy voice is loud,
As, when night is bare’
From one lonely cloud
The moon rains out her beams, and Heaven is
overflowed.'

'What thou art we know not;
What is most like thee?
From rainbow clouds there flow not
Drops so bright to see
As from thy presence showers a rain of melody.'

'Like a Poet hidden
In the light of thought,
Singing hymns unbidden,
Till the world is wrought
To sympathy with hope and fears it heeded not:'

   From the shadows, two men stood there. They watched
as Commander Harmon Rabb Jr. was buried.

   “You see the guy in the back? The one standing
behind Bud?”

   The other man nodded carefully. He was pale and
tired looking.

   “Are you okay Harm? I knew this wasn’t a good idea.
You should be at the safe house resting, not here on
your feet.”

   “I’m fine Clay. That’s the guy that shot me. What
are we gonna do now?”

   “Now that he thinks your dead, we move along with
the trial. After everyone is put away, you can go back
to her.”

   Instead of answering, Harm shut his eyes against
the dizziness he felt. He was also trying to shut out
the pain that he knew he was causing. Clay instantly
reached out to steady him. 

   “Let’s get back. You need to rest. We can deal with
this later.”

   “Clay…do one thing for me. Tell Sarah that I’m
alive. Don’t make her go through this.”

   He shook his head, “You know I can’t. It’s not safe
right now. When all this is over, you can go back and
things will work out.”

   Harm whispered quietly, “They’ll never be okay. She
hates me.”

   Clay didn’t have an answer to that. He gently
guided him back towards their car.

'Like a high-born maiden
In a palace tower,
Soothing her love-laden
Soul in secret hour
With music sweet as love, which overflows her bower:'

'Like a glow-worm golden
In a dell of dew,
Scattering unbeholden
Its aereal hue
Among the flowers and grass, which screen it from the
view!'

   She never heard the crisp retort from the rifles as
it sliced through misty morning. She never heard the
drone from the engines of the F-14’s that painted vast
sky. His laughter filled her hears and his kind words
touched her heart.

'Like a rose embowered
In its own green leaves,
By warm winds deflowered,
‘Till the scent it gives
Makes faint with too much sweet those heavy-winged
thieves:'

'Sound of vernal showers
On the twinkling grass,
Rain-awakened flowers,
All that ever was
Joyous, and clear, and fresh, thy music doth surpass:'

   She sat there staring forward, not hearing the
Admiral give the flag to Trish. The only thing that
registered in her mind was that the flag was being
handed to her.

   “I know Harm would want his best friend to it. So
please, take it Sarah.”

   That was all she could bear. Silent tears had been
flowing, but now they were replaced with heart-felt
sobs. He was gone. She felt the strong, comforting
arms of the Admiral. He whispered gently in her hear.
“It’s okay Mac. Let it go.” 

   Time was an illusion, a concept lost to all who
stood around the grave of a man that would be deeply
missed.

'Teach us, Sprite or Bird,
What sweet thoughts are thine:
I have never heard
Praise of love or wine
That panted forth a flood of rapture so divine.'

'Chorus Hymeneal,
Or triumphal chant,
Matched with thine would be all
But an empty vaunt,
A thing wherein we feel there is some hidden want.'

'What objects are the fountains
Of thy happy strain?
What fields, or waves, or mountains?
What shapes of sky or plain?
What love of thine own kind? what ignorance of pain?'

Mac’s Apartment
1937 Hours

   ‘It would be so easy.’ She sat there and stared at
the vodka bottle. ‘Just a couple of drinks and I can
forget everything.’ There was one thing holding her
back, his gentle whispers of reassurance.

'With thy clear keen joyance
Languor cannot be:
Shadow of annoyance
Never came near thee:
Thou lovest—but ne’er knew love’s sad satiety.'

'Waking or asleep,
Thou of death must deem
Things more true and deep
Than we mortals dream,
Or how could thy notes flow in such a crystal stream?'

'We look before and after,
And pine for what is not:
Our sincerest laughter
With some pain is fraught;
Our sweetest songs are those that tell of saddest
thought.'

   She pushed the bottle away in anger, or maybe it
was terror. She didn’t know anything anymore. The only
thing she felt for sure was pain, the pain that she
had caused him. She wished that she could go back in
time—have one more chance to tell him that she loved
him. 

   She washed the contents of the bottle down the
drain and through the bottle away. A small smile
played across her face, Harm would be proud her. She
allowed to sleep overtake her with dreams of his
beautiful smile and laughing eyes. She dreamt of
second chances.

'Yet if we could scorn
Hate, and pride, and fear;
If we were things born
Not to shed a tear,
I know not how thy joy we ever should come near.'

'Better than all measures
Of delight sound,
Better than all treasure
That in books are found,
Thy skill to poet were, thou scorner of the ground!'

Two Weeks Later
Mac’s Apartment

   The constant knocking on the door brought a very
tired Sarah Mackenzie out into her living room. As she
looked through the peephole, she gave out a long sigh.

   “What do you want Clay?”

   “Jesus Mac, you look like hell. Why are you asleep
in the middle of the day anyway?
   
   “Why are you here? I know you didn’t drive all the
way to Georgetown to harass me about my sleeping
habits.”

   “You’re right. I came here to bring you this.” He
handed her a file.

   She looked at it with trepidation. “What is it…”
then a thought occurred to her. “Harm?”

   At his nod, tears sprang to her eyes. “What does it
say?”

   “Read it and you’ll understand everything.”

   She didn’t speak when he left. All she could do was
focus on the papers in her hand. As she sat down on
her couch and began to read, the tears she had tried
to keep at bay flowed freely. She sat there for hours
and reread the papers. Finally something in her brain
clicked and she dashed to her bedroom for her car
keys. Just as quickly she was out the door and into
the night.

The Wall
2135 Hours

   There was a cool breeze when Mac arrived. She
immediately sought out the place that held the key to
her heart. When she neared it, she saw a man standing
there, leaning on a pair of crutches. She didn’t have
to see his face to know who it was.

   As she neared the man, she whispered gently, “I
never hated you.”

   “I know…can this work?”

   “If we want it.”

   He turned to face her and ran his thumb across her
cheek to wipe away the tears. “I’ve never wanted
anything more Sarah. I’ve loved you forever.”

   She through her arms around him and cried into his
shoulder. “From now on no more lies. I love you so
much. When I though you had died thinking that I hated
you, I wanted to die too. I never want you to think
that I hate you. Never.”

   “I wish I had never said those awful things to you.
You deserve so much more than I have to offer, but I
promise you this, I will worship you.”

   “I don’t want to be worshiped, I just want to be
loved.”

   He lowered his head and gently kissed her lips,
“Always Ninja-girl. Always.”

   “You’re a smooth talker Flyboy, but I guess you’ll
do.”

'Teach me half the gladness
That thy brain must know,
Such harmonious madness
From my lips would flow
The world would listen then—as I am listening now.'

 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The End~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~