Title: “The things I couldn’t Say.....”

Author: Ashlee

Email Addy: TheAshleeGirl@aol.com

Rating: PG,PG-13ish

Disclaimer: Much to my dismay, I don’t own ANY of
these characters and am not making money by doing
this......DPB, Paramount, and Belisarius Productions
however, are.

Special thanks: To Emily, for inspiring me to write
fanfics. : )’ 

Summary: Character Death. Mac dies, Harm is left with
a journal kept by Mac that’s adressed to him
(obviously never intended for him to see) of all the
things that she didn’t OR couldn’t say.

Authors Note**** Ok..lets get to the facts, not many
people like stories involving character deaths...(I’m
one of them) But, *thank goodness* the real characters
are still alive and well and still have that chance to
say the things they think they can’t. (Hope you enjoy
reading the story as much as I enjoyed writing it.) 



10:00 am

A church in Washington 



I can’t believe it. I stand here in front of her
casket and I still can’t accept it. I am not ashamed
of my fast-falling tears .....not even the loud sobs
that rack my body. I don’t care who’s watching....The
Admiral puts a hand on my back and I can hear him
stifle a sob as well. The Admiral goes after a few
moments to join Harriet and Bud on the front pew. I
stand there with my hands placed on the edge of the
casket for support, and I allow myself to look at her.
The pain that follows can’t be put into words. She
looks so fragile, a bit different than that Gung-ho
marine I’d almost always seen in her, and that
frightens me. 

 



Lt. Singer has just walked in and is standing beside
me , paying her respects. I think its the first time
I’ve ever seen her cry. She allows some tears to fall
before firmly wiping them away, and joining the
others. I try to move my legs, but I can’t. I can’t
leave her. 



After awhile Tiner and Gunny show up to pay their
respects, and then also join the others. Sturgis comes
in with Bobbi and they stand a little behind me, I
hear Bobbi start to sob and then they become muffled.
I know Sturgis is holding her close and comforting
her. Something I should have been doing for Mac, while
she was dying. God, I hate Webb! He was supposed to be
looking out for her! she had been helping him
investigate (much to my disproval) a case in
Afghanistan without me. I had made him promise to
watch her six. She was shot and died shortly after in
his arms. They should have been mine. I should have
been there to hold her, to help her, maybe I could’ve
done something more.  



webb is behind me now and I resist the urge to deck
him. I know deep down he did all he could do, but it
feels better to put the blame on someone rather than
accepting the fact that sometimes things just happen.
webb puts a hand on my shoulder, and I know he can
feel me stiffen .....I turn to aknowledge his presence
and the look of sorrow and guilt on his face almost
makes me feel sorry for him.  

 



The service starts and I finally turn to go sit with
the others. Her Uncle Matt(who was temporarily
released from Leavenworth for the funeral) sits on my
left , while Sturgis sits on my right. With the
exception of Uncle Matt, it surprises me to say that
we are.....well, we were her family.  



The rest of the service goes on in a blur, I really
can’t make out what the minister is saying. I’m in my
own little world. I think back on the day in the rose
garden, where I first met that gung-ho marine with her
stubborn ways. A never ending sea of moments pulls me
under and I’m lost in them. 

 



The service is over and its time for one last goodbye.
I wait to go last, I make my way up to the casket once
more. I allow myself to take her lifeless hand in mine
and lean down and kiss it before placing it back in
its proper place. So many tears are falling, I half
expect there to be a puddle at my feet. I open my eyes
to look at her beautiful face for the last time, and I
hear myself whisper: “Sarah, please forgive me
.....I’ve been such a fool. I loved you.. love
you...and will always love you, more than I ever
thought humanly possible...maybe that’s what scared me
soo much about telling you how I felt.” 



The service and burial is over and I don’t want to
talk to people. I just want to go home to my
apartment, and be alone. I make a b-line to my car but
am stopped by none other than Webb. My helpless
_expression changes to one of anger.  



“Harm, I found this with Col. Mackenzie’s things..
Webb said sadly as he held up a book with a brown
cover that resembled somewhat of a diary. I took the
liberty of opening it to the first page to decide if
it was something to of value to keep and it was
addressed to you.......I wanted you to have it.”  



“Thanks Webb.” I said firmly before taking the book
and heading to my car. 

 



12:00 P.M.

NORTH OF UNION STATION 



I am sitting on the couch running my fingers over the
book Webb gave me awhile ago,conemplating on whether I
have the strangth to read it or not. Curiosity is
eating away at me, and finally I open it to the first
page.....here is what it said: 



Harm,

I have decided to write in this book in the hopes I
might finally get my feelings out ...if only just on
paper. A few hours ago, I was with you on the ferry
trying my best to understand your reasons for not
letting go. I felt such a need for you, that I
couldn’t trust myself to speak. I wonder if you felt
any of that same tension.I can’t wait on you forever
Harm. Its funny how easy it is to express yourself
when you know your in no danger of being made
vulnerable, or being rejected. The next few pages will
be about things that have happened between us in the
past and the things that I’d wanted to say but
couldn’t or didn’t. 



Your Ninja Girl 



As I finish reading this it is clear that she never
intended on me reading it or giving it to me. I look
down again to find tear stains on the page and I
realize that they’re not just mine (which are now
flowing rapidly by the way) but they’re her tears from
that night. I hold the book close to my chest and cry
myself to sleep.     


I wake up with the book on my chest, I sit up and pain
shoots through my neck. I rub the back of my neck with
one hand and with the other I pick up the book that is
now on the floor. 



I apprehensively turn to the second page, afraid of
what I’ll see. 



Hey Flyboy, 

I’m sitting here remembering...remembering the time we
met and the couple months after that to follow. Some
memories are happy, and some sad...but they are all
precious memories just the same.  



I was so nervous about meeting you that day in the
rose garden.Ohh, and then the way you looked at
me....you must hae really cared for Diane. Sometimes,
I feel as though I’m an evil reminder of her life and
death that brings you pain. I wish I could tell you
how much it meant to me for you to help My Uncle and
put ur career on the line for me and my wishes. 



Then I remember the investigation of Diane’s
death......I know you were kissing Diane, but Just who
was I kissing? I don’t know whether my sympathy led me
to do it or my feelings for you. If it was only for
sympathy....why did it hurt me soo much when I
realized you were kissing Diane.? 

Mac 



She thought Diane was the only one I had been kissing.
It was true, at first. But mid- kiss I realized and
could have stopped.....but didn’t. Mac meant more to
me then than she realized. I flipped through a couple
pages to get up to date after the ferry. 



It was about my plane going down. In a way it felt
wrong to invade her sould and innermost thoughts like
this. But, wouldn’t she want me to know? I am
convinced, and start to read: 



Harm,

I just returned home from the engagement party. Mic is
asleep on the couch in the other room and I’m taking
this oppurtunity to pour my heart out in this book.  



All I can say is...what happened?!? If I had known you
loved me.....(you atleast implied that you did) things
could have been so different. Not that I’m not happy.
Mic’s great...really. But, I can’t help thinking how
different things would be if I were wearing your ring.
The truth is, it felt TOO good to kiss you tonight. I
can still feel your lips on mine and miss them. I’ve
never felt the way with brumby that I felt with you.
When I said “ and you have someone that loves you”
before we kissed. I really meant it. I love you Harmon
Rabb, Jr.  



I’m going to go ahead and Marry Mic , I love Mic..I
do. I wish I could wait “as long as it takes” like you
said. But I can’t. It seems with you Harm, you’re
always expecting me to wait. I can’t wait indefinitely
Harm, I’m going to marry Mic and be happy and have
someone to come home to....a few kids maybe. I hope
you understand. 



Love, Sarah. 



I wanted to go back in time and take it all back. If I
could do it all over again..... I would. I would have
stopped her from going back in....I would have kissed
her again and then I would have told her I was
ready.....ready to commit to her, if she would have
me. And if the answer was yes, I would have left with
her. And even if it was no, I would beg and plead
......I would dare her to say she couldn’t feel what I
was feeling between us. I would’ve!!..........I then
cry bitter tears that violently shake my body. 

 



I have to pick the book back up, I have to will myself
to go on. reading her Heart’s thoughts makes me feel
closer to her, and I need to feel that right now.  



Harm,

You approached me about my engagement Party today, I
didn’t really want to talk about it. I thought maybe
forgetting about it would make the memory of it go
away.......so then maybe I wouldn’t want you soo much.




You approached me for the second time today, and I
told you I was happy with Brumby......I don’t know If
I am.....I love him and could be just happy enough
with him......but could I be happier with you? I’m
afraid of the answer.  



Love always, Mac 



I skip a few pages and my eyes fall on an entry of the
day before my plane went down. This is what it said: 



Harm,

today you told me that you would be missing my
rehearsal dinner to do your quals.....You told me
you’d be there for the wedding...why do I doubt that?
God, Harm ...your my best friend. I’ve always been
there for you, you’ve always been there for me...why
should this be any different??? I tried not to get so
angry with you Harm ....but the truth is I kept in
most of it. Today you told me through your actions,
that flying was more important to you than me. I don’t
know what hurts worse, that ur not gonna be there, or
you seem to think missing the most important day of my
life is no big deal. How could you ,Harm?

Sarah “mac” Mackenzie (soon to be Brumby) 



I didn’t know I had hurt her that much. Through her
eyes, I didn’t sound as though I cared, and I never
meant to come across that way. I just needed to
escape, I couldn’t see her with Brumby...I didn’t want
to watch the wedding....watch her slip through my
fingers. It wasn’t beacause I didn’t care...it was
because I cared TOO much.......but she was right...I
shouldn’t have let her down like that.....and when I
tried to make things right, I eneded up ruining her
rehearsal and getting her wedding called off....(I
can’t say I was sorry about that one) 



I flipped to the next page: 



Harm,

Wow. So much has happened to me since this morning. It
all started when I was at my rehearsal dinner. we got
a call that your plane had gone down. I was confused,
Why would u risk coming home soo late in that kindof
weather??? And then when the Admiral said you were
trying to get back for my wedding........I collapsed.
I don’t think anyone has seen me that weak besides you
and Uncle Matt (when I was drying out) I was afraid to
let Mic see...and that told me something right there.
I was crying soo hard I couldn’t stop.....If u were to
die I don’t know what I would’ve done. 



Mic isn’t very happy to my reaction of You being lost
at sea, but he’s trying to be sympathetic. I get one
of “my visions” and help them find you...and *thank
God* your alive. My first instict tells me to run to
you.....but I forgot one thing...that’s Renee’s job.  



Mic called off the wedding....I was so upset. But, I
knew then that I couldn’t be happy with anyone...if it
wasn’t you.  



I went to your apartment, hoping to find solace there.
And the worst thing Possible happened....Mic called
over there. But, this you know. I ran out to stop him
from going back...but it was too late, I’d lost him.
You told me to “come to you” and I thought maybe this
was gonna be it. That this would be the beginning of
our lives together. (I know I was hoping for a little
much....but It was what I wanted, if not what you
did.) 



And then I showed up adn when I saw you in the door
way , I wanted you to hold me. But Renee’s father had
died and you did the right thing by comforting her
instead Harm, you really did. It just hurt soo much to
be standing out in the rain....w/ no one ...not
Mic,.....not you...and watch you embrace her through
the window. Somehow I feel “our talk” is once again
postponed. I’ll be waiting ...as always. 



Love, Mac 



Her tears were all over this page as well, and I
kissed the page. How I wished for one more chance to
see her, to hold her, to tell her how much I loved
her, respected her, looked up to her....she was my
everything. 



I flipped a couple pages to just a few weeks ago. When
we were in Afghanistan searching for Kabir together. 



Butch,

It’s Sundance here.*laughs to self* Things could’ve
turned out alot worse yesterday. You could have been
killed in that mine field. I was soo afraid for you.
Before I went to the other side of the Humvee, I
looked long and hard at you..as if to etch your face
forever in my memory.....I almost told you how I felt
right then...just in case it was my last chance. But
everythig turned out ok. 

Ohh, *smiles to self* about the “room divider thing” I
just didn’t wnat to smother you..(perhaps I was afraid
my true feelings for you would take over) but .....WOW
. Lets just say I’m glad there’s such a thing as
Hypothermia. I felt soo safe, in your arms cheek to
cheek...I was sure you could hear my heart beating out
of my chest...if u did...u didn’t let on. I looked up
into the stars and tried to calm myself, but it just
couldn’t be done....with us so close and the way we
were..ugh.there was no clear thinking to be done on my
part. And then you asked me a question I looked up at
you as you were looking down at me......our lips were
so close, and I resisted the urge to kiss you righ
then. What would you have done if I had? (I may not
want to know the answer) <sigh> I think the reason
Gunny was not a fool in my book....is b/c I think I
too share one - sided feelings for someone
(mmmmmmm....don’t you wonder who it could be? *wink*) 



----Your trusty Sidekick 

 



I laughed at this one despite my tears. she was one of
a kind. I loved her soo much, but was just too stupid
to realize it.I start another round of sobs: If only I
had said the things I thought I
couldn’t................................. 

 

 
THE END