Title. The man who holds my heart.
Author: Kim Austin - harmkim@yahoo.com
Rating: PG, I think.
Classification: Vignette, Harm & Mac. A little angst as well.
Spoilers: Everything up to Adrift.
Summary: On the night of Mac's wedding, Harm finally lets go.
Disclaimers: I don't own Harm, Mac or any other JAG characters, I am 
just borrowing them for my own pleasure!
Authors note: Adrift I. never happened. Harm hasn't gone to the Patrick 
Henry for his quals - Therefore he never crashed. This is written in 
Mac's POW. And be gentle, this hasn't been beta'd. All mistakes are mine.

Church in DC.
1300 hours.

I look in the mirror again and I don't know the woman who stares back 
at me. I don't really know who she is or why she is here in a big white 
dress just minutes from getting married.  I have no control of my 
emotions any more, I just do what I know I'm supposed to, and right now that 
is getting ready for my wedding, for the big "I do." 
I glance over my shoulder and see Harriet smiling to me, but the smile 
doesn't reach her eyes, she knows. Maybe she is the only one who knows 
that this is the biggest mistake of my life. Why?- I could ask myself, 
but I have asked so many times, and I don't want to hear the answer 
anymore. This is wrong because I don't love the man I am about to marry. 
Not like I'm supposed to love him. 
But I have run out of choices, I have run out of patience. I can no 
longer wait for my true love to tell me he is ready. And so today I marry 
a man I know will treat me with respect and dignity for the rest of my 
life. Today I abandon my own heart, because I know that once I say 
those two little words I will not be able to ever feel love again, I can't 
afford to let myself.

"Are you ready Mac?" Harriet asks me and I nod without even having to 
think about it. It's ironic if I think about it. She just asked me if I 
am ready to settle for second best and all I do is nod.

"I'll get the Admiral." She informs and turns around " You look 
beautiful Mac. Mic is a lucky man." She says sort of as an afterthought. If 
she only knew how I feel right now she wouldn't think he is so lucky. 
Maybe she is trying to get me to think it through once more. But I can't, 
this has come to far to stop now and I know it.

Two minutes pass and I stare at the woman in the mirror hoping she 
knows what she is doing, because I sure don't. 

"I'm sorry Sarah." I whisper to myself and I feel a familiar sting of 
tears behind my eyes. I have shed so many tears in the last 48 hours I 
didn't think I had any left. It seems I do.

"Ready to go Sarah?" The Admiral asks from the door. I turn to him and 
inhale sharply before nodding.

"Ready." I say and I realize my voice sounds as dead as I feel inside. 
He looks at me with an intense gaze and I look down. He knows me better 
than most people and I don't want him to see how much this hurts me.

He leads me out of the room and we wait behind the big oak doors. The 
music begins and the doors open. This is it, I am getting married and I 
feel like I am facing hell.
I walk silently next to him as he leads me down the aisle. Mic is 
waiting at the alter, he is smiling to me and I smile back. Surprisingly it 
isn't hard to do. I am so deep in this charade I can fake anything. 
Even marriage.
As we pass the front row I stare into the eyes of the only man I will 
ever love. He stares back, no words are needed. He can see my hurt and I 
see his cut deeply into those beautiful eyes of his. 
I pass him and the Admiral gives my hand to Mic.

"Take good care of her." I hear him say with conviction. 

"I will Sir." Mic replies and I know that now I have to look at him. I 
lift my gaze from the floor and stare into the eyes of my future 
husband. 

"I love you Sarah." He whispers and tears come to my eyes. He probably 
thinks it's because I am happy. Little does he know, my tears are not 
of joy. But of total devastation.

I hear the minister ask us if we are ready to begin. I nod again, it 
seems like the only thing I can do right now. My gaze drifts from the 
eyes of my soon to be husband onto the man in the front row. What I see 
crushes my heart and tears at my soul with such and intensity I feel like 
screaming. His eyes are moist with tears and he stares at me with such 
longing.
I hear the minister speak again and I tear my eyes from Harm and look 
into Mic's.

"Do you Sarah, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?" 

I am just about to answer when I hear a ruffle from the front row. I 
look over there and see Harm striding out of the church, his head bent 
and shoulders slumped. He couldn't witness me killing my heart after all. 
Mic turns my head and looks into my eyes. His eyes are begging me to 
say the words, but I find myself totally unable to speak, let alone say I 
do.

"Do you Sarah take this man to be you lawfully wedded husband." The 
minister asks again, as If I didn't hear him the first time. I want to 
reply but I can't. Tears are burning under my eyelids and I blink 
furiously to keep them in.

"I....I..." I stammer then stop. I can't do this. I was sure I could 
but I can't. The man who just ran out of the church carries my heart and 
he won't let me destroy it after all.

The Admiral gets up from his seat in the front row and walks towards 
me. He gently turns me towards him and lifts my chin with a gentle 
finger. The first tear escapes my eye and runs down my cheek. 

"Sarah....?" He asks and I blink in a last effort not to cry. Harriet 
joins the Admiral and she places herself between Mic and I. 

"Sarah?" She asks much like the Admiral just did. I can only stare at 
them. I have no words, just feelings.

"Mic she can't go through with this right now." The Admiral states, it 
isn't a comment or a question from his side. It is an order.
Mic steps away from the alter and takes hold of my arms, turning me 
towards him. I see both anger, frustration and hurt in his eyes and still 
no words come out.

"Harriet talk to her." He demands and sends Harriet an angry look.

"Mac come with me." Harriet offers and takes my hand. It is comforting 
for me right now. To feel her hand wrapped around mine and I nod again 
and follow her down the aisle, out of the church and into my room 
again. I hear her lock the door and I sit down on the overly- stuffed couch 
there. She kneels down in front of me and looks into my eyes, hers are 
pleading.

"Mac?" She says softly and her hand strokes mine.

"I...He....Harm." I say and another tear runs down my cheek. It feels 
so hot, almost like it is burning into my skin, leaving me a permanent 
mark of what I have done.
Harriet sighs and tightens her hand around mine.

"I think you need to go call of the wedding Mac." She says with 
conviction and I nod. That is the only thing left to do now. I can't marry Mic 
because another man truly holds my heart. And he won't let anyone else 
have it.

"Mac can you do it?" Harriet asks and I nod again. It is no longer a 
matter of can, It's a matter of having to. And I do have to call of this 
charade once and for all. I get up and slip the ring of my finger, 
palming it in my hand I walk towards the door with more determination than 
I have felt in such a long time.
As I stride down the aisle again, it is with much greater strength and 
courage. I know why I am going now and I know where I am not.
Mic is smiling again and I feel very guilty for what I am about to do. 
I know he loves in his own way. But his love will and can never compete 
with the love of the man who holds my heart.

As I step up to the alter, Mic reaches for my hands, but I don't take 
his. I take one deep breath and close my eyes briefly before speaking.

"I can't marry you Mic, not ever. The wedding is of." I say. And before 
he even gets a chance to react I am halfway down the aisle again.

"Sarah..." He shouts and I hear him follow. I also hear the Admiral 
holding him back, telling him to let me go. The Admiral knows too.

I don't go to my room again. I walk out of the church. Once the warm 
sun hits my face I feel a wave of relief wash over me like fresh ocean 
water. Harriet calls my name and I turn to look at her.

"Where do you need to go?" She asks me and I can't help but smile. I 
should have known she would be here for me, even now.

"Home." I say and she nods and takes my hand again. She gives it a 
quick squeeze and tucks it gently. Minutes later we are one the move, 
towards my apartment, towards my new life.
Almost an hour later I walk into my apartment with Harriet close by. I 
stare at the presents scattered over the living room and guilt once 
more washes over me. I sit down on the couch and put my head in my hands, 
sighing loudly. I feel Harriet sit down next to me, her arm around my 
shoulder.

"It will be alright Mac, you'll see." She says with determination so 
strong I almost believe her.
No words are spoken for a long time and I really have no idea what to 
do now. I have just left my own wedding, where am I supposed to go from 
there?

"I'm getting out of this dress." I state finally and get up. In my 
bedroom I discard the dress on the bed and put on jeans and a sweatshirt. I 
hear a knock on the door and close my eyes in pain. It's Mic I know, I 
have to talk to him now and get it over with.
I hear Harriet invite him in and I walk back into the living room. The 
Admiral is there too, along with Bud.

"Sarah what is this?" Mic asks and I can see the confusion on his face.

"I can't marry you." I repeat. I seems that is all there is to say now. 
Everything else will just be excuse. 

"Why?" Mic asks and it's a fair question. But I'm not sure I have the 
answer.

"I don't love you Mic." Comes out of my mouth without me wanting it to.

"And you just found that out today?" He shouts and the Admiral takes a 
step closer to me.

"Yes." I lie and look into Mic's eyes.

"You....you....How could you?" He asks and guilt washes over me again. 

"I'm sorry." I say and it is the only thing I can say. I can't explain 
to myself what I am feeling right now. Why I left that church, why 
there is only one place I want to be right now. Not here.

"Sarah there are people there, guests, food a honeymoon...." Mic 
rambles of and I nod.

"I'll pay for it." I say and he looks so hurt.

"It's not about the money, I love you Sarah." 

"I am sorry." I say again. There is nothing left to say now.
Mic carefully takes my hand in his and squeezes it.

"He is not good enough for you." Mic says softly and I swear he can see 
right into my soul.

"Yes he is." I say and tear my hand from his. Mic sighs and casts me 
one last glance before leaving my apartment. The hard thump the door 
makes as it shuts feels like someone just sealed my fait.
I stand there for a long while, staring at the closed door. The Admiral 
is the first one to speak.

"Carolyn is taking care of the guests." He says softly. "You need to go 
talk to Harm." He says and I feel the tears sting again.

"What's left to say." I ask and I hear my voice tremble violently.

"Everything." Harriet says and my head snaps in her direction. She is 
so right. 

"I need a little time." I say and they all nod and smile to me. I never 
knew I had friends like these.

"Call if you need anything Sarah." The Admiral says right before 
putting both his arms around me hugging me close to him.

"I will Sir, thank you." I say and he tightens his hold for a brief 
second before letting go.

"Take care Mac." Harriet says and hugs me too. I never thought they 
would understand, but they all do.

"Do you want me to talk to Cmdr. Rabb?" Bud asks and I shake my head. I 
have to talk to him, really talk.

"Bye then." Bud says and hugs me to. The insecure boy I met six years 
ago is now grown up enough to hug me. I smile to them all before the 
leave.

Once the door is closed I lock it and sit down on the couch again. I 
feel drained of all emotion and thought. I know I need to talk to Harm 
and soon. But right now I would even know how to begin. 

Two hours pass and I just sit there trying to think, not being able to. 
My cell phone rings and I click it on.

"Mackenzie." I say and realize I have just revealed everything to 
whoever is at the other end of the line.

"Don't you mean Brumby." My uncle Matt asks. I had totally forgotten he 
promised he would call.

"No uncle Matt." I say and I can almost hear him think.

"What do you mean Sarah?" He asks. 

"Oh Uncle Matt.." I say with despair in my voice.

"What is it Sarah-bear?" He asks and I can hear concern in his voice.

"I couldn't do it." I say as the only explanation I can come up with 
now. There is a short silence.

"It's Harm isn't it?" My uncle asks me and I wonder not for the first 
time today when I became this transparent.

"Yes." I say softly and I hear him sigh deeply.
"I always knew you loved him Sarah....go to him, he has a right to 
know." He says wisely and I nod even though I know he can't see me.

"I will I just don't know what to say." I admit. I know there is only 
one thing left I can do and that is to talk to Harm. And to listen to 
him. It's been so long since I listened to his heart speak to me.

"I think you do know Sarah." 

"I know uncle Matt I'm just so confused...I... I ....God Mic must hate 
me." I finally say and my own words hit hard. Why wouldn't Mic hate me. 
I just broke his heart into a million pieces; I have just done the most 
unforgivable thing in the world.

"If Mic truly loved you Sarah, he would have known your heart belongs 
to someone else." His words hit hard too. How could Mic not have known I 
love Harm. Everybody else seems to. Suddenly I want to talk to Harm so 
badly I feel like throwing down the phone.

"I need to talk to Harm." I say and I hear my uncle sigh again.

"I know. I love you Sarah-bear, always." He says to me and I feel 
myself smile in spite of it all.

"I love you too uncle Matt, thank you and goodbye." 

"Bye sweetheart, tell me how it works out....Now go get your sailor." 
He finishes and hangs up before I can respond. I shut of my phone and 
find my purse, put on shoes and leave the apartment without further 
thought. Before I know it I am parked outside Harm's building looking up at 
his window. It hits me, I don't even know if he is home or not. I get 
out of the car and take the stairs. I want to talk to him yet I am so 
afraid my heart is pounding in my chest.
I reach his door and raise my hand to knock, but find myself unable to. 
What if he doesn't want to talk to me, what if he isn't here - Then 
what. I shake my head in frustration and lift my hand again, I knock two 
hard times and wait. 

What feels like hours later but is probably only seconds the door flies 
open and I am face to face with the man who holds my heart. I stare 
into his eyes. He has been crying, his eyes and red and puffy, he also 
smells of beer.
When the silence becomes uncomfortable I ask him if I can come in. I am 
expecting him to step aside and let me in but he doesn't.

"Why should you?" He asks and I hear the anger and hurt clearly in his 
voice.

"Harm I need to talk to you." I say trying to sound more confident than 
I feel.

"What's left to say?" He asks and I see tears rise in his eyes again. 
He sniffles and dries his nose in the back of his hand. He looks like a 
little boy right now. A little boy in his costume, dress whites.

"Everything." I say repeating Harriet's word and for a second I see him 
think, then his look returns to anger and maybe even hate.

"I have nothing more to say to you." He says coldly and I want to cry. 
I never imagined he would turn me away. I also never imagined seeing 
him cry over me.

"I have everything to say to you Harm, please let me in." I'm pleading 
with him now and it has the desired effect, he steps aside and I walk 
past him into the apartment. There are empty beer bottles on the table, 
I quickly count them. Five in all - He is not sober.

"Well what did you want to say?" He asks but before I can speak he 
continues. "If you want to place blame go ahead. It always has been a 
speciality of yours." He continues and I open my mouth to speak but again he 
interrupts me.

"So happy now Mac. You got the good man, your shoes look comfortable 
and your career is going great. Who cares how many hearts you break to 
get there." He is almost shouting at me, standing with his back to me, 
facing the window.

"I must be nice to be able to find someone else so quickly. I mean it 
only took you about 24 hours to forget me." 

His words sting like a leather whip, each word is spoken with precision 
and anger.

"Harm I...." I try again but he cuts me of again.

"You know all I asked for was a little time Mac, but I guess you are to 
good to wait even for a month. I guess I wasn't good enough to wait 
for." 

I feel tears sting my eyes again. He is so right in some way. I was so 
angry and hurt after our conversation on the Sidney ferry. I wanted to 
forget about him and I did for a short while. Only I never knew he 
wanted me at all. Until now.

"So looking forward to your honeymoon. I bet Mic is great in bed!" He 
spits out the words now, anger and frustration line each and every one 
of them. I'm crying now. Not only because his words hurt me but because 
I hurt him. I never knew how much until now.

"Harm I didn't marry Mic." I finally get a chance to say. He turns 
around so fast it must have made him dizzy because he leans on the couch 
for support.

"What?" He asks and stares at me.

"I didn't marry Mic and I'm not going to Harm." I repeat and look into 
his eyes, he turns away again.

"So why are you here. I guess you not being able to marry that idiot is 
my fault too, huh? Well go on place blame and go away." 

His voice is trembling now and I am quite sure he is crying.

"Harm I didn't marry Mic today because I don't love him." 

I want to hold him so bad right now. I want to feel his body close to 
mine. To tell him how much I need him, how much I love him.

"So you decided to step all over him too."

I dry my eyes in the back of my hand and step closer to him, I reach 
out my hand but I can't touch him right now. God I want to.

"Harm I didn't marry Mic because there is someone else who holds my 
heart." I explain and he turns again. Like I thought he is crying. A 
steady pattern of tears run down his cheeks. He shakes his head and bites 
his lip.

"Harm I love you." I say and reach out to him, but he moves away.

"Don't!" He says firmly. "Don't do this to me again Mac. I can't do 
this anymore it hurts to much." 

My heart is breaking at the sight. I did this to him. He is crying 
because of me.

"Harm I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I didn't know how you felt. 
In Sidney all I heard was that you didn't want me. Harm please..." I 
beg for his understanding.

"So you though I didn't want you and then you flung yourself at Mic. 
Tell me Mac what if I say I'm not ready now, then what." 

Ouch! I deserved that from him.

"Then I'll wait until you are ready Harm. I'll wait an eternity for 
you." I say and remember that night in Sidney like it was just five 
seconds ago.

"Mac...I..." He says but stops and turns away from me again. This time 
I step closer to him and place a hand between his shoulder blades. He 
doesn't move away so I lean my head over my hand.

"Harm I didn't know. I'm sorry...so sorry." I say softly against his 
back and I hear one single sob escape his lips.

"What didn't you know Mac. That I love you. God I do, I wish I didn't 
right now but I love you so much. How could you not know after that 
night on the admirals porch?" He asks and he is right again. He basically 
told me then, but I was unable to listen.

"I'm sorry Harm. I need you so much." I whisper into his shirt. He 
turns and I place a hand on his steel hard chest.

"I can't let you go again Sarah. This has to be it or not at all." He 
says and I inhale sharply. 

"I need to know you are in this no matter what Mac. I can't pretend to 
be happy seeing you in the arms of another man. Not anymore. I can't 
see you every day if I can't hold you every night. I can't Sarah, I can't 
do it anymore." 

His word hit me hard. He is finally telling me all the things I have 
been dying to hear for so many years. Now I need to tell him too. 

"Harm I want you and only you. I will be by your side from now on. No 
matter what." I say softly but still firmly. His eyes meet mine briefly 
before his arms close around my body and he breaks into sobs. I put my 
arms around him and hold him so close I can hardly breathe. His tears 
wet my blouse and his sobs tear at what's left of my broken heart.

"I love you Harm." I whisper and rock him the best I can. This is far 
from over. We still have tons of issues, unspoken words and pent up hurt 
and anger. But it is a start. For the first time in years we have both 
been honest and now he is in my arms - Letting me comfort him.

"I'm sorry..." He suddenly says and tries to pull away. But I won't let 
him. I hold him close to my body and place my hand on his cheek.

"It's okay Harm...I love you." I say and he once more reaches out for 
me. I hold him again and for a long while we just stand there wrapped in 
each other's arms taking strengths and love from each other's arms. 
Right now I feel so much pain inside, from hurting Mic, hurting Harm. From 
Harm's harsh and true words. But the bliss and hope I feel inside is so 
much stronger I don't care about the hurt. At least now we have a 
chance together. I have a chance to let the man who holds my heart hold it 
forever.  

The End!