Title: The Heart Wants What It Wants 

 

Author: Masumi 

 

Email: masumi_marine@hotmail.com 

 

Classification: Harm/Mac/Webb  

 

Disclaimer: JAG belongs to DPB and CBS. No
infringement intended. All songs belong to Darren
Hayes and can be found on his (fantastic!) album SPIN.
 

 

A.N: Hiyas all, I知 another first time fanfic writer.
When I accidentally stumbled upon my first ever
fanfic, I was blown away. A whole new world was opened
up to me (and since then swallowed me whole ;D ). So I
just wanna say a huge thanx in general to all the
authors out there who have allowed me the chance to
read some of the most amazing fanfics - you guys ROCK!


 

About the story... My main inspirations come from
music and that in particular from one very talented Mr
Darren Hayes. The story titles come from the names of
the songs from his CD. Depending on people's feedback
I知 hoping to continue with the use a different song
in each following part of the story. 

 

Also, I知 an Aussie Jag fan who knows little more than
the basic details about the show. So please excuse-moi
for any mistakes and take them as pure imagination. 

 

Any suggestions, comments, constructive
criticism...i.e. FEEDBACK puh-leeasse!  

 

Now, without much further ado...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

12:53 EST 

Monday  

JAG Headquarters 

Falls Church, VA 

 

Lt. Colonel Sarah MacKenzie stormed through the busy
bullpen intent on only reaching her destination before
she exploded. The rapid tap-tap-tap of her heels
sounded dangerously like a firing machine gun. The
door slammed with such force that the windows rattled
slightly. The busy buzz of activity in the bullpen was
instantly brought to a hushed silence before it
quickly resumed with renewed speculations.  

 

Judge Advocate General, Admiral Chegwidden痴 gaze
followed the Colonel's warpath from the doorway of his
office. He groaned internally, wondering what sort of
trouble a certain Commander had caused in court today
and which would inevitably cause trouble for himself.
No one had warned him that the hardest job of being
the JAG involved dealing with an emotional stubborn
Marine and an equally pig-headed Squid.  

 

You say one thing and 

There I go turning around again 

Working things over better left unsaid 

Spinning around in my head 

Taking a moment 

Too personally 

 

12:55 EST 

Lt. Col. MacKenzie's office 

JAG Headquarters 

Falls Church, VA 

 

Inside her office Mac threw down her files onto her
desk in disgust. She slumped into her chair and
squeezed her eyes closed in total frustration. How
dare he! Who the hell did he think he was to sandbag
her like that - AGAIN. She took a deep breath, trying
to remember the yoga exercise she'd learnt to help
calm her nerves. 

 

His use of tactics had not only attacked her client
but also Mac's own integrity. After the verdict of not
guilty had been announced, out of the corner of her
eye she'd seen Harm receive a hug and grateful thanks
from his defendant. His tall, blonde, striking female
defendant. Meanwhile Mac had been left to console her
own upset client.  

 

She refused to acknowledge the part of her conscience
which suggested perhaps her strong anger had something
to do with the fact that the person he'd so valiantly
tried to defend had been another blonde bimbo. 

 

Same time 

Cmdr Harmon Rabb's office 

JAG Headquarters 

Falls Church, VA 

 

Commander Harmon Rabb Jr was a Naval Aviator
pilot-turned-lawyer. Yet, at this particular moment in
time he prayed for a miracle. For his bi-plane to fly
by so that he could hop in and take off. Or even any
UFO would be good, if only he believed in any of Bud's
crazy notions. Still, anything would be better than
the dilemma he'd created for himself. 

 

Now that his office was right next to hers, he felt
and heard more than anyone else the fury behind the
slam of Mac's door. He sat lost in thought
ambiguously. Perhaps he should give her some more time
to cool off before he started his plea bargaining, or
downright begging. But he knew from past experience
that time didn't always necessarily cool down one very
pissed off marine. Especially when said anger was
caused by someone named Rabb.  

 

Harm shot off a curse under his breath. It couldn't
have been helped though. There'd been no doubt in his
mind of his client's innocence, but the only way to
have proven it was to spring a surprise on Mac's
client, in the middle of trial. He'd known that it
would inadvertently hurt Mac but he didn't understand
the depth of her anger though. It had been a long time
since he'd caused her to be this angry with him. Now
in return for his client's not guilty verdict he was
going to pay for it with an outraged Colonel to deal
with. 

 

No, he'd better start on his reconciliation mission
ASAP. No time like the present. He wasn't going to get
any more work done anyway. Grabbing his cover and
keys, first he'd have to prepare. 

 

Several heads in the bullpen turned to watch curiously
as he emerged from his office. A certain blonde
Lieutenant was discreetly disappointed when he headed
for the elevators instead of the Colonel's door. 

 

13:46 EST 

JAG Headquarters 

Falls Church, VA 

 

When Harm returned, this time he headed straight
towards Mac office. All her blinds had of course been
yanked shut and the door solidly closed. This was her
marine warning, basically translated into: DANGER,
TRESSPASS AT YOUR OWN RISK. He knocked once firmly but
in trepidation.  

 

There was a few seconds silence then; "Enter" came the
curt reply. He closed the door quietly and stood
silently observing her with his hands crossed behind
his back. Usually, the sight of Sarah MacKenzie gave
him a sense of calm and peacefulness, just to her
close with him nearby. Now was definitely not going to
be one of those times. She hadn't yet looked up from
scribbling notes on her files. 

 

When she finally rested her hand and saw him, she
stiffened instantly. Harm could see her whole body
tense, preparing for combat. She shot him a glare so
murderous that he momentarily lost his composure and
forgot his game plans.  

 

For about a full minute both gazes locked and both
pairs of eyes were guarded from revealing too much of
their true emotions to the other. Mac noted exactly 43
seconds before Harm spoke. 

 

"Mac, look..." he paused, struggling to find the right
words. Mac waited silently, still with a scowl on her
face, eyes narrowed. She wasn't going to make this
easy for him.  

 

"I wish I didn't have to do that to you but she was
facing murder one charges! Come on Mac, I know you
believed in her innocence too. It was my only last
card to play and trust me, I thought long and hard
about it. You should know by now everything stays in
the courtroom and I didn't mean anything personal. If
I hurt you in any way, well...I知 sorry."  

 

Mac's demeanour softened slightly. His open honesty
and especially his direct apology surprised her. One
rarely saw this side of Harmon Rabb. He must truly be
feeling really bad. She could see the sincerity in his
aqua-marine eyes and also the hopeful plea for
forgiveness. She didn't answer straight away, letting
him stew in the silence.  

 

"Commander, next time you resort to desperate measures
at least have the decency to warn me beforehand" she
replied, softening her words with just a purse of her
lips. 

 

"Aye m'am." He offered a small peace-offering smile
and held out a bag in his hand. 

 

"I know you haven't had lunch yet so I got you a
beltway burger." 

 

Mac took the bag from him, once again hiding her
surprise. 

 

Harm waited expectantly. Was he off the hook? At least
she wasn't shooting him down with anymore of those
piercing glares. Perhaps he could... 

 

"Anything else?" 

 

"Ahh...no." 

 

"Dismissed Commander," Mac said with just a touch of
frost. Turning her head back to her work, she bit back
a smile. She couldn't let him off too easily.  

 

I have told you just half the words 

I've wanted to give to you 

Fear of rejection keeps my heart at bay 

Feelings I'd rather not say 

I'd rather have you close 

Than never at all 

 

Harm returned to his office and sank into his chair
with an exhale of breath he hadn't realised he'd been
holding. Phew. She seemed to have taken that quite
well all things considered. To be truthful, he'd
expected an ugly confrontation. At least she had
accepted his peace-offering burger. He was going to
take that as a good sign. Now he'd have to think of a
way to get off being called only by the rank name
basis. 

 

He smiled, the best way to pacify his Marine was
through her stomach. God, he had to stop thinking of
Mac as his, at least until she was officially. Yea and
that was going to happen as soon as his yellow
bi-plane arrived by itself at JAG HQ to fly them off
into the sunset, he thought sarcastically. 

 

It sure was getting harder and harder to keep his true
feelings hidden and buried deep down. Over the years
he'd known that he was falling for Sarah MacKenzie,
which sane man wouldn't. Until recently though,
whenever those feelings pushed to be acted upon, he
did exactly the opposite. He would ignore them and
tell himself it was only a love for her as his
best-friend.  

 

Then, as if it was a sign from above, he had been
plunged into the freezing depths of the Atlantic Ocean
and the experience had definitely awakened him from
his state of denial. It had brought about a new sense
of clarity into his life. In the face of a life and
death situation he'd finally came to his senses and
acknowledged that he couldn't live without Mac. No
matter what. He'd fallen too deeply in love with her. 

 

However, as was the norm their lives became more
complicated but even more entangled together.
Misunderstanding and the inability to communicate
about their feelings to try and take their
relationship to the next level, led to mistake after
mistake being made. And so they remained in tandem, on
the brink between friendship and lovers.  

 

A knock on his door broke Harm out of his reverie.
Darn, he still had a stack of files to go through and
he was still due in court soon. He didn't want to be
working late today, especially if all went according
to plan.  

 

But every now and then 

When my world is closing in 

I feel you breezin' through my mind 

I can attempt to close my eyes 

I can avoid the wrong or right 

But something deep inside 

Says my heart wants what it wants 

 

19:45 EST 

JAG Headquarters 

Falls Church, VA 

 

Harm had rushed through his work and managed to finish
early. He'd just been gazing out of his window waiting
for this moment to see Mac preparing to leave for the
day. Gathering his briefcase and coat he swiftly
headed out the door.  

 

"Mac!" he called. 

 

"Yea?" she turned in the elevator holding the doors
for him. He caught up and she gazed at him trying to
figure out what he could be up to now. 

 

Trying to appear nonchalant, he asked in a rush, "it's
pretty late, you wanna come over and we'll share
dinner?" Hmm he sure was doing some major grovelling
to make it up to her. She frowned and pretended to
consider the invitation. 

 

"I promise to cook a non-vegetarian dish for you" Harm
persuaded. 

 

"Deal Flyboy, but don't think you're gonna get your
sorry six off that easily. I'm gonna expect plenty
more of these free meals in the near future" she shot
back at him as she walked out of the elevator. 

 

Harm broke out in a full blown flyboy grin and the
tightening that he'd felt in his heart all day finally
loosened it's hold. 

 

09:20 EST 

Tuesday 

Admiral Chegwidden's office 

JAG Headquarters 

Falls Church, VA 

 

During the staff meeting the Admiral had
surreptitiously observed the Colonel and Commander. He
was pleased to see that yesterday's danger seemed to
have passed without further drama. His top two
litigators were professionally, Batman and Robin in
disguise and formed a brilliant team whether they were
opponents or partners in court. 

 

But their personal relationship was another matter
altogether different. There was no denying that Rabb
and MacKenzie shared a strong bond, right from the
start when he'd first introduced them to each other.
Sometimes the chemistry between the two was so strong
it felt as if they were a bomb threatening to explode
at any time. 

 

Only to himself would the Admiral reluctantly admit
that he wished they would get their heads into the
gutter and just goddamn get together! Hell, they both
deserved some happiness. Then, if they were happy he
would also certainly be alot happier, not to mention
live a much easier life. Their partnership had been a
never ending roller coaster of extreme ups and downs
that often dragged himself and his other officers
along with them for the ride. Even with the advantage
of being an ex-SEAL, the Admiral felt he was still
getting too old to handle the pair of yin and yang. 

 

15:40 EST 

Thursday 

Lt. Col. Sarah MacKenzie's office 

JAG Headquarters 

Falls Church, VA 

 

"Finally" Mac said tiredly, closing the last of the
files she and Harm had been working on. Standing up
Harm stretched his long legs and arms in the air. Wow,
Mac couldn't help but notice. 

 

"Hey you want another free meal tonight then Colonel?"


 

So he was still trying to compensate for his actions
in court from earlier this week. Their dinner on
Monday night had erased any lingering traces of her
anger. She'd like nothing better than to take up his
offer, but duty came first and tonight she had work to
do. 

 

"Sorry Harm not tonight. But I知 taking a raincheck"
she smiled at him. 

 

"Ok, but let me know when you're ready to cash it in.
Although, with the amount you ate the other night I
might not be able to afford it." With a laugh and a
wink, he slipped out her door before she had a chance
to retaliate. Geez, his ego had been punctured but
definitely not entirely deflated.  

 

Baby 

Stay away 

Do the right thing 

I know I should run 

But my heart wants what it wants 

Baby 

Stay away 

Do the right thing 

I know I should run 

You know the heart wants what it wants 

 

19:17 EST 

Function Room 

The White House 

Washington, DC 

 

The vast room was lavishly decorated. To one side two
long tables were laden with the finest food fit only
for the types of people currently present, although
the President would not be making an appearance.
However, over a hundred of the military's highest
ranking officers and other important members of
Parliament were congregated here tonight. 

 

Harm stood quietly in one corner, occasionally taking
a small sip of the cocktail he held in his hands. He'd
already made the necessary small talk with many
officials and senators including Congresswoman Bobby
Latham herself. He had seen a strange look pass over
her features when she'd first spotted him. Picking up
a plate of hors d'oeuvres she'd came over to Harm for
a brief hello, but before he had a chance to question
her, she'd been whisked away by another senator.  

 

Harm sighed, thinking back to earlier in the day when
he'd been hoping to share another evening with Mac but
she'd turned down his offer. Now he was stuck here for
at least another two hours or so before he could
politely make a quick exit. The Admiral had called an
hour earlier saying Harm was needed to take his place
at the last minute because the Admiral himself
couldn't make it back in time to attend the function.
As far as Harm was concerned, this was just another
boring diplomatic social gathering that required a JAG
presence. Unfortunately for him, he had to be that
presence. 

 

He popped another olive into his mouth. They sure
didn't take much into consideration for the number of
potential vegetarians who would be in attendance
tonight. His gaze circled around the room. Mostly they
were all men dressed in their crisp uniforms or suits.
There were only a few dozen women. Suddenly his eyes
were drawn to the backs of a couple standing about
eight metres in his direct line of sight. He could
tell just from her back view that she had be one heck
of a good looking brunette. Standing close next to her
was a man about the same height. He also had brown
hair, dressed in a very expensive looking navy colored
striped suit. Harm turned his attention back to the
woman. She was wearing a long black sparkling dress,
the majority of her back exposed. He admired the way
the dress fit her long slender physique. Just like the
way Mac had looked beautifully at the NATO ball. 

 

Damn he had it bad for her, now his mind was conjuring
up images of Mac everywhere he went. Groaning, he
turned to pick up another olive to chew on. It was
going to be a long night.  

 

20:00 EST 

Function Room 

The White House 

Washington, DC 

 

Harm was on his third drink when his hands froze in
mid air and he gasped in surprise. The woman he'd
noticed in the black dress now stood facing in his
direction. It was no hallucination. It was indeed one
gorgeous Sarah MacKenzie. She took his breath away.
From across the room he saw Mac smile and talk to the
same man she had been with earlier, whose back was
still turned to Harm. What was she doing here? And
more importantly who was that man she was seemed to be
so cosy with? He frowned and unconsciously tightened
his grip on the glass he was holding when he saw them
link arms and walk out towards a terrace balcony.  

 

Setting his drink down he quickly followed. Halfway
across the room he suddenly halted in his tracks.
Sub-consciously, his brain noted that someone was
apologizing repeatedly after bumping into him and had
spilled drink on his back. 

 

But the only thing that registered was the scene Harm
could not believe he was now witnessing. It was as if
his world had frozen in time and all other people and
activity ceased to exist. The loud chatterings faded
into the background. Now he knew the man whom Mac was
with - Webb. Clayton Webb. And he'd just pulled Sarah
MacKenzie into a passionate embrace. And from the
looks of it, the lip lock definitely wasn't only a one
way street. One of her hands was tangled in Webb's
hair whilst his arm encircled her body.  

 

You do one thing and 

Then I go 

Always imagining 

Reciprocating feelings that aren't there 

Sometimes I think you're aware 

Your body language, it gives you away 

Maybe I should run 

Turn my back 

Head for the sun 

Feelings left to come undone 

 

Snapping out of his shocked daze Harm spun on his
heels and strode back in the opposite direction in
which he came. All rational thought fled his brains,
all except for the image of Mac in the arms of the
Spook. He had to get out of here. 

 

Harm felt the feelings of doubt, betrayal and anger
hit him like the force of an F-14. Slamming the door
of his SUV, he started the car and took off, the tires
screeching in the chilly night air. How could he have
been so wrong? Since when had she gotten more than
friendly with Webb? His blood was pounding furiously
in his brain and thought after thought raced around in
his confused mind all trying to process what he'd just
seen. 

 

Maybe you like what's goin' on 

Deep down inside I know it's wrong 

I know I should run 

But the heart wants what it wants 

 

Arlington National Cemetery 

Arlington, VA 

 

Harm didn't know how long he'd been standing there,
trying to draw strength from his father's name
inscribed on the wall. This was the only other place
apart from Mac where he could find some solace in his
often troubled soul. His fury had calmed down just
enough to stop him from taking a drastic course of
illogical action. Something along the lines of beating
up an unfortunate Clayton Webb.  

 

It's not even a love affair 

I'm makin' plans with the ghost of what was there 

I've become a desperate fool 

And it's all because of you 

 

Getting back into his car Harm rested his forehead on
the steering wheel, both hands were clinched tightly
closed into fists. Damnit! Damn her. Damn him! The
intensity of his own emotions scared even himself.
He'd felt something like this through her whole
engagement fiasco with Brumby. But now he'd thought
things were different. He'd been so sure that they
were finally moving on beyond friendship. Although
they still hadn't had that talk about their
relationship, Harm had been positive that since
Jagathon, he and Mac had finally arrived to the same
mutual agreement. With the little improvements to
their friendship in that time, the dinners, joking
around and generally spending alot more time together.
Could he really have read the signs all wrong? 

 

Slamming his fists against the steering wheel again
and again, the pain on his hands paled in comparison
to the agony Harm felt in his heart. He had to know.
He needed to confront her and find out what the hell
was going on once and for all. He couldn't take the
risk of losing her or himself again. 

 

Do the right thing 

I know I should run 

But my heart wants what it wants 

Baby stay away 

Do the right thing 

I know I should run 

You know the heart wants what it wants 

 

Baby stay away 

Do the right thing 

I know I should run 

But my heart wants what it wants 

Baby stay away 

Do the right thing baby 

Because the heart wants 

What the heart needs 

Can the heart get 

What the heart wants