TITLE:  "Starting Again IV-Reflections of the Past"
AUTHORS:  Anne R. [amrsecret@yahoo.com]
                    Pat Steiner [ssbpmn@aol.com]
SUMMARY:  The fourth in the Starting Again series of post-Adrift 
stories, 
Spoilers notwithstanding, this is our version of the episode Adrift 2, 
told in flashback.  
Rated PG for mild violence and language. A Harm-Mac shipper story.
DISCLAIMER:  JAG belongs to Paramount, CBS, et al.  No copyright is 
intended 
with this work of entertainment only.
FEEDBACK:  Please, if you would like to express your enjoyment.  If our 
work 
does not appeal to you for any reason-we have no problem with that, but 
please, no need to share that with us.


“Starting Again IV-Reflections of the Past”

JAG HQ
1230 Eastern

AJ looked up from the report he was just finishing as Harm and Mac 
entered and stood at 
attention.  

"Amazing work you two, sit," he smiled, reading the last few lines.  
"The third crash was 
the charm I see."

"Yes sir," Harm nodded soberly.  "It wasn't hard to run down that my 
Tomcat, 
Carmichael's and Malloy's all had that part of the stabilizer replaced.  
Defective and not 
tested.  Sir I hope Secnav realizes that some of the work that's been 
contracted out..."

"Mr. Rabb I would like you to let me worry about the Secnav.  My report 
and 
recommendations will go with yours, as always.  And again, well done, 
both of you.  No ill 
effects I trust?"

As he said those words Harm coughed slightly and Mac shot him a worried 
glance.  
Ignoring AJ for the moment Harm nodded to her that he was all right.  
She frowned once 
more and again he nodded.  A whole conversation without words, in the 
space of fifteen 
seconds.

"OK you two, I'm being left out," AJ moaned and then fixed his sharp 
gaze on one and 
then the other.  "Now what's different about you two?  Did something 
happen down there 
that's not in this report that I should know about?"

Harm and Mac looked to each other, each hoping the other would speak.  
Finally Mac 
took the initiative, resting her hand on Harm's arm.  "Sir a lot 
happened there, with the 
case and well....with us but respectfully sir, nothing we're ready to 
share yet."

AJ's eyes rested easily on the location of Mac's hand.  "All right.  I 
trust that whatever it 
was is not going to affect discipline and good order around here?"

"No sir, you have our word on that," Harm spoke up.

"Very well, dismissed."

Harm and Mac took their dismissal and once outside AJ's office looked 
at each other, 
each letting out a long breath.

"That went OK didn't it?" he gasped barely audibly.

"It was fine," she assured him, giving his hand a quick pat.  "Now I'm 
going to court, and 
then I'll meet you for dinner at the Macaroni Grill, right?"

"Yes but you remember your promise," he hissed.

Her face fell.  "I was hoping you wouldn't remember."

"Not likely Colonel.  It's painless, and I'll even leave the room if 
you want."

"Don't even think that.  If I've got to bare my soul, you can at least 
hold my hand.  See 
you at dinner."

"Drive safe," he smiled.

Harm and Mac had taken the four days after Malloy's crash onto the 
beach at Pensacola 
for themselves.  They wrapped up the case easily with the computer 
maintenance logs 
thanks to an alert Master Chief.  It would all fall into place.  

The next two days they spent at Ft. Walton Beach, simply enjoying each 
other.  The vow 
of love they had said on the sand at Pensacola had bound them together 
even more 
strongly, though they had not said the words again.  There seemed to be 
no need.  It was 
an emotion that had always been with them, and with the saying of the 
words even more 
binding.  

Harmon David Rabb and Sarah Catherine Mackenzie had admitted out loud 
to what had 
been in their hearts since the beginning.  It was done, and it was 
good.
=============
MACARONI GRILL
Rosslyn, Va.

"There you are," Harm groaned when she walked through the door.  

"Of course I'm here, no thanks to a big truck," she muttered.

"Mac what?"  His alarm was immediate.  "You didn't have an accident did 
you?"

"No it managed to miss me.  Didn't you hear about the truck hauling 
chicken parts that 
overturned on 66?"  

He shook his head.  "No I had the sports news on.  I'm sorry.  You're 
OK?"

She laughed and shook her head.  "Yes I'm fine, and no one was hurt, 
but chicken legs 
rolling around the highway don't make for good traffic movement.  And 
I'm starving.  You 
got us a table I hope."
============
BETHESDA NAVAL HOSPITAL
Cpt. Taylor's Office

Captain Taylor ushered them both in, and to Mac's surprise he sat her 
in spot on the sofa 
nearest his chair.  

She was at once suspicious.  "What's going on here?"  

Harm smiled sheepishly and took her hand.  "Honey, I took the liberty 
of telling Captain 
Taylor about your nightmares ahead of time.  He wants you to talk to 
him, and so do I.  
Remember you even agreed."

"I know, but I don't see how..." she sighed and her voice trailed off.

"Sarah, Harm knows there's something about the night he was picked up 
that you're not 
coming forth with.  You're suppressing it and that's contributing to 
your nightmares.  It 
relates to him doesn't it?"  Taylor's gentle gaze fixed on her and she 
squirmed slightly.

"Yes sir it does.  But sir honestly I can handle it, and I don't think 
it's something that 
needs to..."

"Why don't you let Harm and I be the judge of that," he interrupted 
kindly.  "But I think we 
need to start at the beginning anyway.  The very beginning of what 
happened to you 
both.  And Harm don't fall asleep over there.  I want to hear from you 
too.  Sarah should 
not have to tell the whole story."

"Uh..no sir," he smiled, sitting up straighter and holding her hand 
more firmly.  "In fact if it 
will make it easier for her, I'll volunteer to start, because I'm not 
real proud of how we left 
each other that day."

"You, it was me who was superbitch on steroids," she rejoined.

"Yeah but I should have been honest with you and told you that I knew 
quals and the 
wedding were the same time," he smiled.  "Truth was, I didn't want to 
be at the wedding.  
I didn't want to watch you marry another man, and what better excuse 
that the whim of 
the Navy."

"And I needed you there, desperately.  I wanted you to come--it was my 
one last hope," 
she sighed.

"You wanted him to stop you didn't you?" Taylor smiled gently and 
before she could 
answer, turned to Harm, "and you were hell-bent to get there to do just 
that weren't you?"

"Yes sir," they both answered once in the same quiet voice.

"I thought as much. And good for both of you.  That was one thing you 
weren't able to 
bring out in our previous meetings.  OK Mr. Rabb since you volunteered, 
where would 
you like to start?"



 Friday, May 25th
 Aboard the USS Patrick Henry
 
 "Frankly Mac, if you need me there to make it work, maybe you should 
 reconsider who you're marrying."
 
 As he stood leaned over the rail of the Henry, looking out at the vast 
 ocean, Harm still couldn't believe he'd said those words to Mac. What 
kind 
 of heel was he? All day through his qual's his mind had been on her. 
He knew 
 she had taken the day off to get ready for the wedding and he wondered 
where 
 she was at that moment. He wanted desperately to talk to her, to tell 
her 
 that he hadn't meant to say what he'd said. It wasn't that he didn’t 
want to 
 be at the wedding. Deciding he needed to apologize for his behavior, 
he 
 headed to the communications room to call her.
 
 Sarah Mackenzie stared at the mirror as she got ready for the 
rehearsal 
 dinner. Her mind had been elsewhere all day. Specifically on Harm. And 
how 
 they had left things the day before. She hadn't meant to snap at him 
like 
 that. But she wanted him at the wedding. And if something came up and 
he 
 couldn't make it. She heard the sound of the shower and realized that 
Chloe 
 had finally decided to get ready. For a moment she sat there before 
finally 
 reaching for the phone.
 
 Harm was on his way to the communications room when he heard the page 
saying 
 he had a call. For a moment his heart skipped a beat, thinking that 
maybe it 
 was Mac. 'Yeah right' he thought to himself. 'After what you said to 
her.'
 But he picked up his pace and seconds later took the call.
 
 "Commander Rabb."
 
 "Harm. It's Mac."
 
 He couldn't stop the small smile that crossed his face at the sound of 
her 
 voice. He'd been hoping it was her but the fact that she had called 
him 
 still came as a surprise.
 
 "Hey" he said softly. "Where are you? I thought you had the rehearsal 
dinner 
 tonight?"
 
 "I do" she replied. "But I was thinking about yesterday, and how we 
left and 
 I…well I wasn't real proud of how I acted. I think I owe you an 
apology."
 
 "If anyone owes anyone an apology it's me" Harm said quickly. "Maybe, 
what I 
 said was totally out of line. I'm sorry."
 
 "It's okay. I was just a little upset that you might not be here for 
the 
 wedding."
 
 "I'll be there" Harm promised. "I've just to do the night traps and 
then I'm 
 heading back to DC tonight."
 
 "Please be careful" The words tumbled out before she could stop them 
and 
 Harm smiled at the concern in her voice.
 
 "I will. I wasn't sure you cared though."
 
 "Of course I care" she whispered. "All I could think about today was 
how I 
 hadn't wished you good luck. I was too concerned with me that I wasn't 
being 
 a very good friend."
 
 "Neither was I" Harm admitted. "I'm really glad you called. I really 
hated 
 how we'd left things."
 
 "Me too" Mac said softly. "So you'll be here tomorrow?"
 
 "I'll be there" he promised again. "You think I'd miss my best friends 
 wedding."
 
 "Better not" she teased, the tears brimming at his words. He did 
consider 
 her his best friend. She suddenly remembered her earlier conversation 
with 
 Mic and how annoyed he'd been when she'd said Harm was her best 
friend. At 
 the time she wasn't sure that he felt the same but hearing him say the 
words 
 made her feel better.
 
 "I'll see you tomorrow," he said softly.
 
 "Take care sailor" Mac whispered. "You be careful, you hear me."
 
 "Yes ma'am"
 
 She hung up the phone as Chloe stepped out of the bathroom. "Who was 
that?" 
 Chloe inquired.
 
 "No one" Mac said as she stood up.
 
 "Then why are you blushing?" Chloe asked. "Did Harm call? Is he 
coming?"
 
 "Chloe, this is not for discussion" Mac sighed. "Get moving, young 
lady. 
 We're going to be late."
 
 Aboard the Henry, Harm headed back to the deck. He had a few minutes 
before 
 he and Skates had to suit up for the evening traps and he needed a 
chance to 
 think about everything. That Mac had called surprised him. But it had 
also 
 made him feel better. She obviously hadn't been as mad as he'd thought 
if 
 she'd taken the time to call him on the night of her rehearsal dinner.
 
 "I'll be there Sarah" he whispered.
 
 "Hey there you are" Skates said as she stepped out on the deck. "You 
ready 
 to rock n roll Commander."
 
 "Let's do it" Harm smiled.
 
 "What are you so happy about all of a sudden?" Skates asked.
 
 "Nothing. Come on. We've got work do to Lt."
 
 Olivia & Juliet's
 Several Hours Later
 
 Mac smiled when she was supposed to but her mind wasn't at the party. 
It was 
 thinking about the man who was doing night traps aboard a carrier. 
Since the 
 rain had started she'd gotten an uneasy feeling, and now that it had 
turned 
 into a full-fledged storm she was even more uneasy.  Harm had said he 
was 
 coming back tonight but she hoped he'd decided to wait until morning. 
She 
 vaguely listened to Bud's toast, not paying much attention to what he 
was 
 saying. She'd heard the Admiral's cell phone ring and she'd watched 
him walk 
 away, somehow knowing that something was wrong.  Her fears were 
confirmed 
 when he returned seconds later and solemnly announced that Harm's 
plane had 
 gone down at sea.
 
 *****************************
 Back to the Present
 
 "Mac, it's okay," Harm said as he squeezed her hand. Her voice had 
broke as 
 she told Captain Taylor about receiving the word that Harm had gone 
down and 
 for the first time he realized how hard it had been on her. "Maybe we 
 shouldn't do this tonight," he said as he looked over at Captain 
Taylor.
 
 "Mac, do you want to continue?" Captain Taylor asked.
 
 "I'm okay" Mac whispered. "This is the first time I've talked about 
that 
 night. I hadn't wanted too. It was a nightmare that I didn’t ever want 
to 
 repeat.
 
 "You sure?" Harm asked gently. "If this is too much, we can do it 
another 
 time."
 
 "No, I'll go on" Mac said as she gave him a small smile. "Just don't 
let go. 
 I need to know you're still here."
 
 "I'm here" he assured her. "And never going to let go."
 
 "Go on Mac" Captain Taylor prodded. "Tell us what you did after you 
found 
 out Harm had gone down."
 
 Mac turned her head from Harm.  She needed to feel him, but at that 
moment, she did 
not want their eyes contacting.  It would be easier to talk focused on 
the sailboat picture 
on Captain Taylor's wall.  

"I tried to be a Marine, at first," she smiled.  "Getting a radio and 
so forth.  And I held it 
together until they said they were breaking off the search."

"Sarah, please, come on back.  You need to be with people who love you.  
I know you're 
upset, but the man is a survivor.  They'll pull him up straight away 
and he'll be fine."  Mic's 
voice reached her only vaguely, from somewhere in the distance.  "Love 
let me help you."

"Mic no."  She was surprised at how strong her voice was.  "No, unless 
you can leave me 
alone.  That's what would help right now.  I don't want anyone.  Not 
you, not Bud and 
Harriet, not even Chloe.  And yes I know exactly how that sounds, but I 
think I'm entitled.  
I may have just caused my best friend's death by insisting he..."  A 
small sob choked her 
words and she stopped to swallow.  "OK you want to help.  Please make 
sure Chloe is 
looked after for the night.  Ask Harriet to do that for me.  And please 
make my excuses to 
the guests."

"Where are you going?  Sarah I'm not going to allow you to just..."

"Mic excuse me, but we are not married.  You are in no position to 
permit or deny 
anything."

With that she turned and stopping only for her wrap and purse, fled 
down the corridor, 
away from Mic, away from the guests, away from a dinner party that was 
meant to 
celebrate an upcoming wedding.  A wedding she did not want, a wedding 
she wanted 
Harmon Rabb to stop her from completing.

Seemingly of its own volition, the little Corvette sped along the 
mostly deserted streets, 
toward the center of the city.  The Washington Monument stood proudly, 
its airplane 
beacon flashing almost in code.  The Capitol Building was beyond the 
monolith, the 
brightly lit dome contrasting the black sky.  Five short blocks away 
was Union station.  
She knew the route so well she could have driven it in her sleep.  Pass 
the Capitol, make 
the loop in front of the old train station, veer right, and end up in 
one of D.C.'s poorest 
neighborhoods, but one which Harm called home. 

Looking back the other way, she saw the Lincoln Memorial, and though 
not visible, knew 
the Wall was below by the water..  She blinked back sudden tears.  
Thirty years ago 
Patricia Rabb had been handed a triangularly folded flag and before 
that a box of 
personal effects, all that the Navy had of her husband.  Her mind 
painted the vision of 
another flag, and the same woman, now named Burnett, and Mac herself 
handing her the 
cloth.  "On behalf of the President of the United States, with the 
thanks of a grateful 
nation," she murmured aloud as if rehearsing.  "NO."  The scream echoed 
out of the car 
into the quiet street.

Parking at the time of night was ridiculously simple, and her heels 
clattered slightly as 
she walked toward the Wall.  As often was the case, a few people were 
gathered nearby, 
and she walked deliberately past them to the panel containing the name.  
Harm would 
have been surprised had he known she knew exactly where to go, as 
easily has he did.  
It was far from her first visit.

Her fingers touched the slightly indented letters, and for a long 
minute she felt the 
connection.  Harm's fingers had many times done the exact same motion 
she knew.  
"Please Lieutenant, if you have any say there in Heaven, please help 
your son.  Help the 
people who will be looking for him.  Help him come back to me."  She 
wiped away a 
sudden tear and sat on the nearest bench, taking a deep breath and 
trying to collect her 
thoughts.  How did it get this far?  How did they spend so long in 
denial, ignoring what 
was between them.

She had almost died--in fact for a brief minute she did die, and he 
brought her back.  The 
Watertown, two years before.  Blood, blood on her fingers.  Harm's 
blood.  And she could 
not see, could not know if he was alive or dead.  She remembered 
nothing of the attack 
after the oxygen to her brain began to lessen.  Already in darkness, 
the blackness simply 
seemed to grow more intense.   

And then suddenly she could breathe again.  Her lungs were expanding, 
filling with life-
giving air and she was in his arms.  His arms around her, loving arms.  
At that moment 
there was nothing in the world but the two of them.  Him holding on to 
her.  He had given 
her back her life.  She held her hand tightly to his cheek and he 
rested in his chin on her 
head as they clung together.  

If only.  "Harm thank you," she breathed, her voice hoarse from the 
assault on her throat.  
"And I know you can't talk, so just sit and listen.  Before all hell 
breaks loose here.  Before 
we have to call the others.  Harm, I've hated how we've been since we 
got aboard here.  
We're better than that, you and I.  We have this."  And she turned 
within his grasp and 
placed a gentle kiss on his lips.   If only.


 
 Somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean
 
 As he struggled to keep his head above the water, Harm's mind drifted 
to one 
 person. Sarah Catherine Mackenzie. The woman he loved more than 
anything 
 else in the world. The woman he'd loved for a very long time now. 
They'd had 
 so many chances to make it work. And yet, they'd always come up empty. 
 There'd been so many times he could have just said those three small 
words.
 
 If only.  The Watertown, two years before. She'd literally died in his 
arms. He'd 
 uttered every prayer imaginable as he'd breathed life back into her. 
He 
 couldn't lose her. By some mercy of God, he'd been able to bring her 
back. 
 He'd held her close to him afterwards, and the words were there. He'd 
just 
 never said them. "Oh god, Sarah. I almost lost you. I would have died 
if I'd 
 lost you. I'm so sorry for the way I've acted. I love you Sarah." It 
would 
 have been so simple to say. But he didn't.  If only.
 
 Another wave crashed over him, sending him below the surface again. He 
 finally clawed his way to the surface, gasping for breath. He wasn't 
sure 
 how long it had been since they'd gone done, and he prayed that 
somehow 
 they'd found Skates. He'd hang on as long as he could, knowing there 
was one 
 thing he couldn't leave this earth without doing.
 
 Tiny sobs wracked Mac's body as she sat at on the bench. She couldn't 
lose 
 him. He was her best friend. The person she'd depended on the most in 
the 
 last five years. The man who'd stood by her through some of her 
toughest 
 times. She stood up and walked to the wall again, once again running 
her 
 fingers over the name Rabb. With a loud sob, she turned and headed 
back to 
 her car. Fate wouldn't be so cruel as to take Harm like it had his 
father 
 and grandfather before him.
 
 The car seemed to have it's own mind and a short time later she found 
 herself in front of his building. She wasn't sure how long she sat 
there 
 before heading upstairs to his apartment. A long time ago they'd given 
each 
 other the keys to their places in case of an emergency. Quietly she 
slipped 
 the key into the door and walked into the silent apartment. She turned 
on a 
 light as she slowly walked around, not exactly sure why she was there. 
She 
 couldn't remember the last time she'd been at his place. Her gaze fell 
to 
 the bookcase, and the picture frames that lined the top. She picked up 
the 
 first picture, smiling softly at the little boy who sat in the cockpit 
of 
 his daddy's jet. From the beginning he'd known he was going to follow 
in his 
 father footsteps. With a small sob, she prayed he wouldn't end up like 
his 
 father. The next picture was one she knew well. Baby AJ's christening. 
The 
 two of them together as she held AJ. She couldn't bear to think about 
the 
 promise they'd made the day of his birth, a promise that might never 
be 
 fulfilled.
 
 "Harm, don't you dare leave me" Mac whispered as her finger traced his 
face. 
 "You made a promise."
 
 She replaced the picture and wandered around his place, her eye's 
catching 
 sight of something spread out on the bed in the bedroom. She walked 
into the 
 room, tears sliding down her face as she looked at his dress whites, 
nicely 
 pressed and ready for him to wear to her wedding. He had planned on 
being 
 there. Just like he'd promised.
 
 Suddenly it was too much to be there. She was the reason he was in the 
 middle of that ocean. She'd made him promise to come to her wedding. 
And 
 Harmon Rabb never broke a promise. She ran from his place as the sobs 
began 
 again. Inside the vette she sat and cried for several minutes before 
the 
 Marine in her finally kicked in. She had to do something. She couldn't 
just 
 sit here and wait.
 
 "Hang on Harm" she pleaded to the man struggling in the ocean. "Please 
hang 
 on."
 
 Minutes later she was on her way to Andrews Air Force Base. She knew 
they 
 would be on alert, ready to go out as soon as there was a break in the 
 weather. And she would be with them. She flashed her ID to the guard 
at the 
 gate and managed to find her way to Search and Rescue Operations.
 
 "Ma'am, you can't.." one of the men started as she walked into the 
room.
 
 "It's okay Bill" another man said as he looked up at Mac. "Hello Mac, 
I was 
 wondering how long it would be before you showed up."
 
 "Steve, is there any word?" Mac asked as she walked up to the Air 
Force 
 Colonel. She and Harm had worked several cases over the years with 
Colonel 
 Steve Connely and she'd hoped she'd find him there.
 
 "Not yet Mac" he said quietly. "Until the storm breaks there's nothing 
we 
 can do. You know that."
 
 "I want to go out with the rescue chopper when it goes out" Mac said 
 quietly. "And don't even tell me no."
 
 "Does Admiral Chegwidden know you're here?" Steve sighed.
 
 "No, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't call him and tell him that 
I'm 
 here. Please Steve, this is very important to me."
 
 "Mac, it's going to be a while" Steve said finally. "From what the 
radar is 
 showing, we've got at least several hours before this passes."
 
 She closed her eyes for a minute as she fought to keep down the 
growing 
 panic. Several more hours. He'd already been out there for several 
hours. 
 "I'll wait" she said finally.
 
 "Why don't you go home and get some rest" Steve suggested. "I'll call 
you 
 when it clears."
 
 "You promise" Mac said quietly. "Cause if this is just a ploy to get 
me to 
 leave so you don't have to take me out there with you, it isn't going 
to 
 work."
 
 "I promise. What's your number?"
 
 She pulled out her card and wrote her cell phone number on it. "I'm 
not 
 going home. Just call me on my cell phone."

"Where are you going Mac?" he asked with concern.  "Mac you look like 
you should be 
home getting some rest and quiet.  I could take you even--they won't 
miss me for a short 
time."

"No way," she shook her head firmly.  "I would go crazy at home.  I've 
got a really fragile 
hold on sanity and the only thing that's keeping it intact is that I 
keep moving."

"What exactly does this guy mean to you?" Steve frowned.  "I mean I 
thought you were 
being married this weekend to that Gumby guy?"

"Brumby," she glared.  "And that's not happening. As for what he means, 
well I can't even 
explain that to myself, though frankly it's becoming more clear all the 
time.  Now call me 
the second the rescue op is back on."

She was back in her car a minute later and for the next hour drove 
aimlessly.  Finally too 
restless to even remain confined in the car, she parked near the 
Washington Monument 
grounds and began walking.  Her feet took her to the walkways 
surrounding the tall 
structure and her memory back to a time when she walked that same path 
with Harm.  
Chris Ragle had been in town then.  The Harm who had been too busy with 
Bobbi 
Latham several days earlier was now all concern as she told him her 
problem.  It had felt 
so good to unburden herself to him.

If only.  Sydney Harbor.  A ferry.  Is that how long we're going to 
wait Harm?  She had 
ambushed him.  Hit him with a load of emotion that spilled out of her 
before she could 
stop it.  Perhaps it was the distance from Washington, or the beautiful 
exotic setting.  
Whatever caused her to open up like that, she was unprepared for his 
response.  
Unprepared for his rejection.  She had believed Jordan when she told 
her that Harm was 
hers for the wanting, and the first time she outwardly expressed that 
want, he did not.  If 
only.  "Mic no, that's really flattering.  But no.  I won't take your 
ring.  I don't see a future 
for us.  I care a great deal for you.  But you are here and I'm in D.C. 
and more than that--I 
don't feel that way about you."  If only.
=================
ATLANTIC OCEAN
Same time

He was sleeping, sleeping as best he could as frigid water washed over 
him and the 
swells rose and fell, taking his fragile body with them.  If only.  "Is 
that how long we're 
going to wait?"  He heard her voice, looked into her big chocolate 
eyes.  "We're not going 
to wait any longer Sarah.  Waiting is over.  It begins here and now.  
If you want me--if you 
want us--then I'm ready."  It could have been just that simple.  There 
would have been no 
Mic, no ring, and no aborted wedding.  If only.
===========
WASHINGTON DC

A weak sun was peaking through the gray cloud cover when she dropped to 
the nearest 
bench, giving in to her exhaustion.  Her trek had taken her back 
through D.C.'s streets 
and when she looked up she was in front of St. John's church.  As she 
stared at the 
doors, focusing on the cross above them, they were propped open by a 
kind-faced 
elderly priest.  "Good morning my child.  Do you care to join us for 
Mass?"

"Thanks no..." she began and then realized she did in fact need to do 
exactly that.  The 
fact that she was not a practicing Catholic made no difference.  She 
simply felt the need 
to take her fear to her Lord.

He held the inner door for her, nodding his encouragement to her as she 
lowered herself 
into the back-most pew.  Soft organ music began in the background and 
she took several 
long calming breaths.  Her eyes focused on the crucifix and she saw the 
suffering 
depicted there, projecting it to what Harm must be going through, alone 
in the ocean.  
With a quick slide forward, she was on her knees, feeling the smooth 
leather covering of 
the kneelers.  "Dear Lord, I don't as You for very much, very often," 
she whispered, "but 
I'm asking now.  Please God, please send him back to me.  You know how 
I feel about 
him.  You know what he means to me.  Lord I promise you....if You let 
him live...let me 
find him that I will take care of him.  No matter what.  No matter how 
badly he's hurt.  I'll 
look after him until he's well.  And after that he and I...well first 
just let him live.  Deliver 
him into my arms God.  Please.  Amen."

A half second later her phone rang and she jumped a foot, trying to 
stifle the ring, and 
calm her own startlement from the seemingly heaven sent call.  "Yes 
hello," she 
whispered, moving quickly into the narthex.  "Oh thank god.  OK I'm 
there.  Thanks 
Steve."

At the gates of Andrews, a flash of her ID and a signature on the 
visitor log got her 
through to Search and Rescue.  Thankful she had stopped to change 
earlier, she was 
ready.  

"Ready for what?" Steve demanded.  "Mac, you're not thinking you're 
going out..."

"That's exactly what I'm thinking," Mac nodded somberly.  "I'm going to 
ride on the lead 
chopper.  You can put me on the manifest as being an official JAG 
representative or you 
can smuggle me aboard or anything in between, but I'm going to be on 
that helo."  She 
took a long breath, knowing she was running a huge bluff.  "Please 
Steve."

"Rabb means that much to you?"

"Yes he does," she whispered.  "All that and more."
 
     ******************************
 Back to the Present
 
 Harm had listened intently to Mac's story, his eyes widening with 
amazement. 
 "I can't believe you did that. Course Steve probably knew better than 
to 
 mess with you when you were in Marine mode."
 
 She gave him a small smile and squeezed his hand. "I had to. You 
didn't 
 leave me much of a choice."
 
 "You were bound and determined to get on that chopper weren't you?" 
Captain 
 Taylor smiled.
 
 "Yes I was" Mac replied. "I knew the only reason Harm had taken the 
chance 
 was because of me and his promise to be there. I had to do something."
 
 "Mac, it wasn't your fault" Harm interrupted. "I don't want you to 
blame 
 yourself what happened. You know from what we found out last week.."
 
 "Harm, you wouldn't have even been on that plane if it weren't for me" 
Mac 
 countered.
 
 "I wouldn't have been on that plane if I'd gotten my head out of my 
six 
 sooner" Harm grinned. "So don't even put the blame on you. We share 
equally 
 in that department."
 
 "I know" Mac sighed. "Course at the time I didn't feel that way."
 
 "So you spent the entire time alone?" Captain Taylor prodded. "You 
never 
 went home to your fiancée?"
 
 "No. I didn't want to be with Mic. All I could think about was Harm. 
And I 
 knew when I'd walked out of the restaurant there wasn't going to be a 
 wedding, no matter what happened. I'd made the decision that I 
agonized over 
 for so many months without a second thought. I knew who was more 
important 
 to me. I was just hoping that I wasn't going to lose him before I got 
the 
 chance to tell him how that."
 
 "Is that the promise you told me about before" Harm asked softly.
 
 "Yes" she nodded. "And I meant every word I said. All I wanted was to 
have 
 you back. I couldn't bear the thought of my life without you."
 
 "Harm, Mac has been very forthcoming about her feelings that night. I 
know 
 your memories are probably not as sharp as hers are. What were you 
 thinking?"
 
 ******************************
 Atlantic Ocean
 
 He had no idea how long he'd been out there. It seemed like forever 
and the 
 cold was making it nearly impossible for him to stay awake. He'd been 
 drifting in and out for a while, Mac's image the only thing that kept 
him 
 from giving in and letting go. He had to tell her how he felt. He'd 
tried 
 the week before at the engagement party, but somehow it hadn't come 
out 
 right.
 
 If only. The Admiral's porch. The kiss had been unlike any other he'd 
 experienced. When Sarah Mackenzie had pressed her lips to his, 
something had 
 happened. He'd known then that his heart would always belong to her no 
 matter what. If only he hadn't let her walk back in that night without 
 telling her the truth. If he'd taken her arm and told her that he 
loved her 
 and he didn't want her to marry Mic. It would have been so simple. If 
only 
 he could have uttered those three small words. I love you. There would 
be no 
 wedding.
 
 *****************************
 Andrews Air Force Base
 
 Mac stood in the hanger, waiting for Steve. He hadn't been happy about 
 taking her along on the search, but even he knew better than to fight 
her. 
 She leaned against the wall, closing her eyes. She was mentally and 
 physically exhausted, but there was no way she was going to sleep 
until she 
 found Harm. She felt a sting of tears as she thought about her partner 
 again. They'd been so distant for so long until that night at the 
engagement 
 party.
 
 If only. She'd surprised herself when she'd leaned forward to kiss 
him. And 
 even more surprised when he'd suddenly pulled her into his arms like 
that. 
 When they'd parted she'd seen the look of sadness in his eyes. He was 
 pleading to her not to go in. Not to marry Mic. If only she'd been 
able to 
 tell him the truth. That she didn't love Mic. That she would never 
love Mic 
 like she loved him. But she hadn't. She'd walked away and now because 
of 
 that she might never see him again.
 
 "It's a good thing you're a lawyer cause I'm probably going to need 
one if 
 anyone finds out you're going out on this chopper" Steve sighed as he 
walked 
 up to her.
 
 "I appreciate this," she said quietly. "And you know I'm willing to 
take the 
 heat for this as well."
 
 "Then I guess we'd better find Harm cause we're going to need him to 
defend 
 both of us," Steve said with a small smile.
 
 "I just want him back" Mac whispered. "That's all I want. I don't care 
about 
 anything else besides getting him back."
 
 Without a word he nodded and led her to the waiting chopper. The pilot 
gave 
 Steve a questioning glance when Mac boarded and he hurried to the 
front to 
 talk to him.
 
 "Please tell me you're not making me leave" Mac pleaded when he 
returned.
 
 "No, I'm not" Steve said quietly. "As long as you promise me two 
things.  
 First that you'll stay in the back and let us handle this. Second, I 
need to 
 know that you can handle whatever may happen. It's been almost 11 
hours Mac. 
 You know there's a good chance we're not going to find him alive."
 
 "I know" she whispered. "But I haven't given up hope yet Steve. I 
can't. 
 Harm is alive somewhere out there and we're going to find him. I know 
it. 
 I'm not even willing to think anything else."
 
 He nodded and a few minutes later the chopper took off.
 
 Remembering her promise Mac stayed out of the way, her mind on her own 
 thoughts anyway. She'd continued her silent prayers to the Man 
upstairs, 
 hoping she wouldn't have to break her promise to Steve. She was not 
entirely 
 sure she would be able to handle it if they didn't find Harm alive but 
he 
 didn't need to know that. They swept over the vast ocean, Mac's 
anxiety 
 growing by the second. How could he possibly have survived the entire 
night 
 out here? She bit her lip hard to hold back the threatening tears.
 
 It was but a short time after they'd taken off that they spotted 
something 
 in the water. Mac snapped to attention, her heart pounding as she 
strained 
 to look past the men to see what they were looking at.  The chopper 
made the 
 turn and headed back to the sight and this time they could clearly see 
Harm 
 floating in the water. Seconds later one of the other men dropped to 
the 
 water and Mac held her breath as she waited.
 
 "Mac, I know its going to be hard but you're going to need to let us 
take 
 care of him" Steve reminded her gently. "I know you're going to want 
to be 
 close by but let us handle this."
 
 She nodded, not trusting herself to words at that moment. All she knew 
was 
 that Harm had to be okay. She couldn't lose him now.

Steve was about to speak further when he stopped and pressed his 
earphone to his year.  
"Oh god, OK.  Thanks.  I'll tell her."

"Tell me wha....?" she began and her eyes got wide as she knew.  "He's 
dead?  You're 
going to tell me he's dead?"

"I'm sorry Mac," Steve breathed.  "Really I am.  Sorry but not 
surprised.  He's been in that 
water a long time.  Hypothermia would have gotten him, even in that 
suit, particularly if he 
had any injuries punching out."

"Get him up here," she screamed after a moment of horror and disbelief.  
"Get him up 
here.  He is not dead.  If he were dead I would know it.  He's not dead 
you hear me.  He's 
not dead, he needs CPR and he needs me, but he is not dead.  Get him up 
here."  She 
knew she was sounding hysterical and at that moment she did not care.  
All she wanted 
was to make sure they brought Harm up quickly.

Steve and the other medic exchanged looks, Steve's eyes saying that the 
person 
needing help was here in the chopper.

"You get him up here quick or I will," she threatened, pushing herself 
past Steve toward 
the open bay of the chopper.

"Davis, get that man aboard this helo right now," Steve ordered into 
his microphone.  
There was something convincing in Mac's tone that made him want to 
listen to her, even 
over the word of a trained medic who was actually with the victim.

It seemed like an eternity but was actually but about five minutes 
until the limp body of 
Commander Harmon Rabb was within reach.  Despite efforts to keep her 
back, Mac's 
arms closed around him and she fell back with him to the floor of the 
helo.  He was limp, 
his color gray and the cold that eminated from his body was 
frightening.  

"Mac there's no pulse," Steve tried.

"This man is not dead," she screeched, pulling down the zipper of his 
flight suit and then 
ripping apart the shirt beneath.  "Get CPR started now, and if you 
medics won't I will."

"Ma'am this man is dead," the medic who came up insisted.  "There is no 
pulse and..."

"Move it," she ordered him roughly, bending over Harm.  "Rabb you 
listen to me now.  I 
know you're in there, and you are not going to leave me now."  She gave 
him a rough 
shake and her lips closed over his.  The coldness sent a shock through 
her entire body, 
nevertheless she blew five breaths into him and followed it with five 
chest compressions.  

Both medics sat back and watched, their glances to each other, and to 
Steve, indicating 
that they were humoring her but they knew there was no chance.

"Dammit Rabb, this is not acceptable," she raged, shaking him again.  
"This is not going 
to make it.  Now you get with the program Sailor.  I want to see you 
take a breath, and I 
mean now Mister."
============
CAPT. TAYLOR'S OFFICE

"I heard that," Harm gasped in sudden rememberance.  "I heard you 
yelling at me.  I was 
all warm and dry and then suddenly I heard you.  You came for me.  You 
cared enough 
to come after me.  It was the least I could do...but I was about to see 
my dad and I didn't 
want...but I came back anyway.  And it was cold and wet and my dad 
wasn't there---but 
you were."  Suddenly to Mac's intense alarm, he burst into tears.

Her arms went around him at once, bringing her to him, rocking him as 
she might a small 
child.

"You haven't told any of this to Harm have you Sarah?" Taylor asked 
gently.  "You've 
kept it inside.  Kept it to yourself that when he was found he was for 
all practical 
purposes....well, dead."

"No I didn't, not to him or anyone," Mac admitted, her own tears 
mingling with his.  "I 
didn't want him to know.  I didn't want him to know how much he had 
scared me.  He 
already had so much he was dealing with."  A long cathartic sob 
followed and Harm 
determedly pushed himself up away from her, wiping his eyes and pulling 
her into his 
arms this time.  

"I'm sorry honey, I'm so sorry.  I love you," he whispered, rocking her 
as she had done 
him.  "I love you and right now I want to take care of you."

"I think a short break is in order."  Taylor cleared his throat as he 
rose from his chair, 
feeling a welling of his own emotion.


 
 He left them alone in his office and for a moment they simply clung to 
each 
 other, the harsh reality of how close it had been sinking into both of 
them.
 
 "Are you okay?" Harm asked a few seconds later, gently pulling away to 
look 
 into her eyes. "Mac?"
 
 "I almost lost you" she whispered. "You were dead Harm. If I hadn't 
been on 
 that chopper, you wouldn't be sitting here right now. I'd be sitting 
at your 
 grave site instead."
 
 "But that's not what happened" Harm said softly as he brushed her 
tears 
 away. "Because of you, I'm still here. You never gave up on me Marine. 
And I 
 owe my life to you."
 
 "I couldn't give up on you. I couldn't imagine my life without you 
Harm. 
 When Steve told me you were dead, I won't believe him. There was no 
way I 
 was going to give you up without a fight."
 
 "I'm glad you were there. I just wish you'd told me this sooner 
instead of 
 keeping it all inside."
 
 "Harm, you were having enough trouble dealing with what had happened" 
Mac 
 countered. "I wasn't sure you were ready for this. And I didn't want 
to 
 think about it. Those few minutes were the worst of my life. Besides 
the 
 fact that I almost lost you, I was so mortified by how I'd acted. Talk 
about 
 a disgrace to the uniform."
 
 "Hey, none of that" Harm chided gently. "I can assure you if the roles 
were 
 reversed I wouldn't have acted any differently than you did. I would 
have 
 lost it if someone told me you were dead." He shuddered at the thought 
and 
 quickly drew her back into his arms. "You have nothing to be ashamed 
about."
 
 She stayed in the comfort of his arms before finally pulling away. 
"Harm, 
 did you really hear me? I mean, was it me that made you stay."
 
 "Yes it was" he whispered. "And knowing that I still had one thing 
left to 
 do."
 
 "What was that?"
 
 "Telling you I loved you. Somehow I knew I couldn’t go without you 
knowing 
 how I felt about you. Without telling you I loved you."
 
 "And I couldn't let you go without you knowing that I loved you" Mac 
 whispered.
 
 She leaned into his arms again and they remained like that until 
Captain 
 Taylor returned to the room a few minutes later.
 
 "Are you two okay?" he asked. "That's quite a lot to deal with all at 
once."
 
 Both nodded and Captain Taylor looked at the seriously. "I won't make 
you go 
 on if you don't want to. We can handle the rest of this another day. 
It's up 
 to you."
 
 "Mac, honey, what do you want to do?" Harm asked gently. "If you want 
to 
 stop, we can."
 
 "I'm okay now," she said as she reached for Harm's hand. "I think I 
can 
 handle the rest from here. It doesn’t get any worse than that."
 
 "Continue on then, Mac" Captain Taylor prodded.
 
 **************************************
 In the Chopper
 Enroute to Bethesda Naval Hospital
 
 With desperation filling her, Mac once again began CPR, all the while 
her 
 mind issuing silent words of prayer to the Man upstairs. Let him live, 
she 
 begged.  Just let him live.
 
 Her prayers were finally answered when Steve once again checked for a 
pulse. 
 "We've got a pulse," he said with a long sigh. "Barely. Philips get 
this 
 bird to Bethesda ASAP."
 
 "Harm, you hang on, you hear me" Mac pleaded as she took his cold hand 
in 
 hers. "Please, just hang on. I need you sailor. Don't you dare leave 
me 
 now."
 
 The trauma team was waiting on the roof of Bethesda as the chopper 
landed 
 and seconds later Harm was pulled from her arms and quickly loaded on 
the 
 waiting gurney, doctors and nurses yelling orders as they rushed Harm 
 inside. For a moment Mac sat there frozen. She'd almost lost the man 
she 
 loved. And there was still a good chance she would lose him. That he 
was 
 even still alive was a miracle. Getting him well again would take 
another.
 
 "Mac" Steve said softly as he climbed back aboard the chopper. He'd 
given 
 the doctors all the information and come back to check on Mac. "Mac, 
you 
 okay?"
 
 She could only shake her head as hot tears slid down her face. Right 
now all 
 she wanted to do was find a place to be alone. She accepted Steve's 
hand as 
 she climbed down from the chopper, allowing him to lead her inside to 
where 
 Harm had been taken.
 
 "Ma'am I'm sorry but you can't go in there," the nurse said as she 
stopped 
 Mac at the double doors.
 
 "Is he going to be okay?" Mac asked in small voice. "Please, I need to 
 know."
 
 "Ma'am, it's going to be a while before the doctor is going to be able 
to 
 tell you anything," the nurse said sympathetically.  "Please, I know 
it's 
 hard, but you're just going to have to wait." She looked at Steve for 
 assistance and Steve gently took Mac's arm and led her to the waiting 
room.
 
 "Mac, you've done all you can do" Steve said gently. "You're going to 
have 
 to wait. Now I'm going to go call Admiral Chegwidden and let him know 
what's 
 going on. Is there anything I can do for you?"
 
 "No" she said quietly. "I just need some time alone before the others 
get 
 here."
 
 He nodded and headed off to call the others, leaving her alone for the 
 moment. She sat there for a few moments before something pushed her 
from her 
 chair. After a quick stop at the nurses' desk she headed to the 
elevator. A 
 few minutes later she found herself entering the small hospital 
chapel. She 
 dropped into one of the back rows, instantly going to her knees.
 
 "Dear Lord, please don't take him away" she begged. "I know I've been 
asking 
 for a lot tonight but you have to know how much he means to me. Don’t 
let 
 him die. I need him. I love him, Lord. Please don’t take away the man 
I 
 love."
 
 The tears began again and this time there was no way to stop them. She 
 buried her head in her hands, sobbing for the man she loved and knew 
she 
 could still lose. That she loved Harmon Rabb had never been so clear 
as it 
 was after the past few hours. And that she could lose him now that 
she'd 
 learned that would be the cruelest fate of all.
 
  She sobbed into her hands until her throat was raw and she was 
gasping for breath, and 
shortly the hiccups began.  "Perfect, just perfect," she sighed and 
looked to the cross as 
she rose, intending to go clean up.  "You really do have a sense of 
humor don't you.  Well 
remember what I told you a few hours ago.  And I can't--I 
won't--believe you gave him 
back to me just to take him now."

Another hiccup racked her body and she left the chapel, stopping in the 
nearest rest 
room to put cold water on her face.  "God Mackenzie if he wakes up now 
you're going to 
make him wish he hadn't" she sighed again, seeing the dark circles 
under her eyes from 
lack of sleep and the red blotches left by the sobbing.  

She had not realized she had sat for so long in the chapel, but when 
she returned to the 
ER, AJ was pacing in front of the door.

"Sir," she said automatically.  

AJ's hands went out at once to take hers.  "How're you holding up 
Sarah?"

His soft voice and the use of her name nearly brought her to another 
round of sobbing.  
"Been better sir," she finally managed and took a deep breath.  "Sir I 
know this is strange, 
the eve of my wedding, crying at the bedside of another man.  I want to 
explain it but I 
don't think I can."

"You don't owe me an explanation about anything," AJ told her.  
"Anything non-duty 
related that is."  He paused and gave her a soft smile.  "Besides I'm 
not blind Mac.  The 
fact that you're here and not with your fiance---well that's all the 
explanation that's needed 
for me.  I would say in observation however that there's a good deal 
that needs to be 
straightened out somewhere along the line."

"Yes sir," she nodded miserably.  "I have made a total complete mess of 
everything.  And 
the worst thing is, by insisting on Harm's being at my wedding I....sir 
I actually practically 
had a tantrum in the office....well I may have cost him his life.  He 
knew how badly I 
wanted him.  That flight he made was for me and now he may..."  

Her words were cut off by the opening of the doors and an older woman 
stepped forward, 
push strands of gray hair behind her ears.  "Admiral Chegwidden they 
told me you were 
here," she smiled, holding out her hand.  "Colonel Susan Flanders, 
USMC, and ER 
attending here."  She turned to Mac who stood at instinctive attention.

"Ma'am.  I'm Lieutenant Colonel Sarah Mackenzie.  I'm Commander Rabb's 
partner and I 
came in with him.  How is he please?"

"Considering all he's been through, he's holding his own," Susan 
smiled.  "I heard about 
you and what you did on the chopper.  I'm quite impressed.  The medics 
were about to 
pronounce him."

Mac flushed with the praise.  "I just gave him an order ma'am.  He's 
still....I mean he's OK 
right?"

"He's got some bruises, probably a couple cracked ribs, and we're 
warming him slowly.  
His temperature is coming up, so that's a good sign.  And that's the 
good news.  The bad 
news is, he has pneumonia, caused by the inhalation of salt water for 
all those hours."

"But that can be treated right?  I mean he's going to be OK?" Mac 
demanded, her words 
tumbling out in her fear.

Susan's hand went out to her shoulder, resting lightly.  "I'm sorry.  
No promises.  Forty-
Eight hours from now maybe I can tell you he's turned the corner.  
Excuse me."  She 
hurried back to her patient, leaving Mac leaning weakly against the 
wall.

"This is a nightmare," she breathed.  "A nightmare I may never awaken 
from I'm afraid."

"Well right now you and I are going to get some coffee; before another 
one of my staff is 
a patient here," AJ told her.  "You look like hell Mac.  And then I 
want to hear about how 
you managed to come in with him.  You were on the chopper?"

FOUR HOURS LATER

Mac sat at his bedside.  Only her eyes moved from one monitor to the 
other.  His hand 
was heavy in hers and the whoosh of the oxygen being passed to him was 
a comforting 
sound.  Everything had been done that could be for the moment she had 
been assured.  
Now it was up to him, up to his will to live and his physical strength 
to combine and fight 
off the assault to his body.  She stared at the little red numbers on 
each piece of 
equipment---blood pressure, heart rate, respiration.....watching the 
numbers change, up 
one, down two, up three.  The effect was mesmerizing until---until she 
realized they were 
declining.  In all measurements he was losing ground.  

"Harm?  Harm I'm not sure what's going on here but I'm getting scared," 
she whispered, 
at the same time looking around frantically for someone to ask for 
help.

Five seconds later she did not have to ask, for the alarm bell sounded 
long and loud; and 
fifteen seconds after that the room was filled with people, working 
feverishly to restore 
breathing and heartbeat to a body which did not seem to want it.

"Rabb damn you," the young intern snapped, reaching for the cardiac 
paddles.  "I'm not 
losing a patient today you hear me."  

Mac had fallen back from the bed, wanting to allow them to work, too 
horrified to do more 
than stare at first, stare as these medical people fought a battle with 
an unseen enemy.  

"Clear."  The first charge hit her partner's chest and she felt the 
pain herself, sharp and 
immediate.  

"Nothing, again," the intern ordered and rattled off more instructions, 
heard only as a blur 
to her.  "Clear."

"Dammit.  Nothing still."

With that she stepped forward to the head of the bed, unnoticed by the 
busy medical 
team.  She put her hand on Harm's forehead and with all her might 
willed her strength 
through to him.  "Harm I'm here.  Don't you give up Sailor.  I haven't.  
You and I have too 
much ground we haven't covered yet.  I'm not letting you walk out of my 
life this easily.  
Now you've got exactly five seconds to make these monitors move before 
I make a scene 
that isn't going to be pretty."

"Clear.  Last one."

"No.  Time of death..."

"HARM," Mac's scream was like nothing heard inside that hospital 
before.  

"Doctor I've got a pulse and BP," the nurse gasped in amazement just as 
Colonel 
Flanders came through the door in response to her page.

"Colonel I swear I heard you all the way from the elevator," she said 
mildly, nodding to 
Mac as she checked the monitors and listened to her intern's report.  
"Nice work Scotty."

"No ma'am, not me," the young man shook his head rapidly.  "It was her 
screaming his 
name.  I think it scared the bejesus out of him."
==================
CAPT. TAYLOR'S OFFICE

"And that is part two of my nightmare," Mac admitted, letting her head 
fall limply against 
Harm's shoulder.

"You said it didn't get any worse," Harm objected, stroking her hair 
softly.

"No not any worse, but just as bad," she said sheepishly.  "You see you 
died on me twice 
Sailor.  And that's why I'm hesitant to let you out of my sight now."  
Despite her 
determination to remain calm, a small sob escaped, followed by two more 
tears.

"And you never have to again," he soothed.  "I love you.  And in case 
you were 
wondering, I did start to leave you again.  That warm place was calling 
me--like calling 
me home, but I heard you scream, heard how scared you were, and that 
yanked me 
back.  Maybe the doctor here can explain it, because I sure can't."

Captain Taylor shook his head with a soft smile.  "Love.  One of the 
most powerful 
emotions God gave us.  And one we probably know least about."


 "I'm so sorry you had to go through all that," Harm said softly as he 
 continued to stroke Mac's hair. "And I can't believe you kept all this 
to 
 yourself this long."
 
 "I didn't want to talk about it" Mac whispered. "It was too horrible 
to even 
 think about, let alone talk about. I was just happy that it was over."
 
 "And it is over" Harm soothed. "It's all over and past us now."
 
 She nodded but didn't move from the comfort of his arms. Reliving 
those 
 awful moments had been hard, the memory of those hours were something 
she 
 would never forget.
 
 "I know there's more to this story" Captain Taylor prodded. "Mac, do 
you 
 want to tell us the rest of what happened?"
 
 "I think so," Mac said as she raised her head from Harm's shoulder. 
"That's 
 the worst of it."
 
 **************************************
 Bethesda Naval Hospital
 
 Mac remained at Harm's bedside; Colonel Flanders having decided that 
if this 
 woman had brought her patient back to life twice she didn't have a 
problem 
 with her being there.
 
 "I'm here Harm" she whispered as she held his hand tightly in hers. 
"And I'm 
 not going anywhere for a long time. So you'd better not think about 
leaving 
 me again. You hear me sailor. I need you in my life."
 
 "Sarah"
 
 At the sound of Mic's voice, Mac turned around, surprised to see her 
fiancee 
 at the doorway. She gently laid Harm's hand on the bed before heading 
out of 
 the room to the hallway. "Mic, what are you doing here?"
 
 "I came to see if you were okay," Mic said quietly. "I was worried 
about 
 you. You just took off and no one had heard from you. And I also 
wanted to 
 see if we were still getting married. But I guess I have my answer to 
that." 
 He stopped for a moment before continuing on. "I heard you managed to 
find 
 your way onto the rescue chopper. There isn't anything you wouldn't do 
for 
 him is there Sarah."
 
 "No there isn't" Mac admitted softly. "Mic, I'm sorry. For what it's 
worth, 
 I never intended this to happen."
 
 "Sarah, I'm not that naive. The reason you wanted Harm at the wedding 
is 
 because you wanted him to stop you from marrying me."
 
 She didn’t answer, knowing that his words were in fact true. She 
looked back 
 in the room at Harm, guilt overwhelming her again. It was because of 
her 
 that this had happened to him.
 
 "I’m right aren't I Sarah?" Mic prodded. "I deserve that much from 
you."
 
 "You're right Mic" Mac said softly. "And all I can say is I'm sorry. I 
 should never have let it go this far. None of this would have 
happened." The 
 man she loved wouldn't be lying there fighting for his life if she'd 
spoken 
 up sooner. But she hadn't and now Harm's life hung in the balance. And 
in an 
 instant she'd destroyed another man's life.
 
 "No it shouldn't have" Mic agreed quietly. "I'll see to telling 
everyone 
 that the wedding is canceled. And once I've finished doing that, I'm 
going 
 to head back to Australia. There's nothing here for me anymore."
 
 "I'm sorry" Mac whispered as she slid the ring from her finger and 
handed it 
 to Mic. "I really and truly am sorry for hurting you like this. I hope 
one 
 day you'll be able to forgive me for this."
 
 "Me too." He stood there for a moment before walking away. She felt 
the 
 tears brimming again, but she knew it was for the best. She didn't 
love Mic 
 Brumby. And marrying him would have just caused them both greater hurt 
in 
 the long run. She headed back into Harm's room to maintain her vigil 
at his 
 side.
 
 The nurse appeared a short time later and she gave Mac a reassuring 
smile as 
 she checked all the monitors again.
 
 "He's doing okay" the nurse assured her and Mac let out a visible sigh 
of 
 relief.
 
 "Thank you Lord" she said with a look heavenward. "Please keep it that 
way."
 
 "From what I heard you're the one we should be thanking" the nurse 
smiled. 
 "I heard the story about how you were along on the rescue chopper and 
 wouldn’t give up on him when the medics did. And Dr. Nichols swears 
that it 
 was you that brought him back earlier when we lost him. You calling 
out to 
 him."
 
 From the doorway Renee Peterson bit back the tears that threatened as 
she 
 listened to the two women talking.
 
 "I couldn't lose him," Mac said quietly. "I wasn't about to let him 
give up 
 yet. There's way to much for us left to do yet."
 
 "Well it's that love that will get him better," the nurse said as she 
patted 
 Mac's shoulder. "You just keep up whatever you're doing cause so far 
he 
 seems to be holding on for you."
 
 Without a word, Renee walked away from the room. There was nothing 
left for 
 her here anymore. She hadn't been able to compete with Sarah Mackenzie 
 before. There was no way she could compete now. She stopped at the 
gift shop 
 and purchased a blank card. Twenty minutes later she sealed the 
enveloped 
 and headed back up to Harm's room. Taking a deep breath, she walked 
into the 
 room.
 
 "Hello Mac" she said quietly.
 
 "Renee" Mac said as she stood up.
 
 "I'm not staying. I just wanted to give you this to give to Harm when 
he 
 wakes up. I know you'll be here and I trust you'll see that he gets 
it."
 
 "You're leaving?"
 
 "It's in the note," Renee said quietly. "Harm will understand." She 
took one 
 last look at him before hurrying from the room.

Mac looked from the note in her hand to Harm and ran to the door, 
catching Renee at the 
elevator.  "Renee, really Harm is going to want to talk to you when 
he's able.  You and 
him shared a year of your lives," she pointed out.  "He's going to want 
to..."

"Mac, he knows how to get in touch with me if he does," Renee said 
quietly, "but we both 
know he doesn't.  He risked his life, risked the life of his co pilot 
or whatever she's called, 
and lost a million dollar airplane, all to get back because he was 
keeping a promise to 
you.  For me, he has a hard time putting down a file to make a lunch 
date.  I'm not stupid, 
only blind to the truth.  And if I had known you and him....well that's 
all past now.  I'm glad 
he's OK.  Please just give him the note.  If he wants to reach me, he 
can, but you and I 
both know that's not going to happen."

Mac looked back to Harm's room and when she turned back to Renee, the 
elevator was 
arriving.  "Goodbye Mac--you won," she smiled as the doors closed.

"No I didn't," she said softly to herself.  "God just gave me back the 
person who 
completes me that's all."
====================
Through the remainder of the day and a long long night, Harm remained 
unresponsive.  
Captain Flanders assured her she was satisfied with his progress.  That 
he had been 
through an enormous physical and mental ordeal and for the brain to 
simply shut down 
temporarily was not abnormal.

It was just after dawn, twenty four hours after he had been plucked 
from his intended 
grave, that Harmon Rabb stirred, his eyes opening to bare slits.  Mac 
was sleeping, 
resting her head lightly on his arm as her hands held tightly onto his.  
She felt his hand 
jerk beneath her and she forced herself awake.  So great was her 
exhaustion she was 
sure she was simply hallucinating and she put her head back down, only 
to have him 
nudge her again, and this time her name squeaked from his lips.

Her first impulse was to burst into tears, but instead she managed to 
smile softly.  "OK 
Sailor, OK.  About time."

"You look....look like...hell," he got out before his eyes closed 
again.
==========================
CAPT. TAYLOR's OFFICE
"I didn't say that did I?" Harm gasped.  "Of all things I could have 
said to you--I love you 
coming to mind right off--you're not serious."

Mac roared with laughter at his reaction, feeling the tension leaving 
her body as the worst 
part had been gotten out into the open.

Harm's eyes clouded with sudden misery.  "I don't remember any of this, 
except being 
called back to this life.  Captain why don't I remember what happened?  
I remember it like 
clockwork up to the point of my hand closing around the ejection handle 
and then not 
anything again--except Mac's saving my life, twice--until. . ."

"Until," Taylor prompted.

Harm shook his head, trying to pinpoint the moment, his hand squeezing 
Mac's hard.  
"Until I asked Mac why she was in my hospital room instead of off on 
her honeymoon."
=========================
It took Harm another six hours to awaken, and this time when he did, he 
was more alert. 
"Mac?"

"Harm yes, right here," she smiled.  "And since the Admiral made me go 
home for a 
couple of hours during which I showered and shampooed and am even 
wearing a little 
cologne, you'd better appreciate it."  She drew a deep breath and 
leaned down to kiss his 
forehead.  "How are you doing Squid?  You're looking better than when 
you were awake 
earlier."

"Kissing me?"  At that point he looked mortally confused.  "You're 
here, been here, you've 
kissed me--not that I'm complaining--and Mic isn't about to kill me."  
Before she could 
answer, he coughed hard, his face contorting in pain.

"Ribs mister," she cautioned quickly, taking hold of him as he coughed 
once more and 
calmed.

"Am I all right?" he asked softly, fear now on his features.

"You have some cracked ribs and some pneumonia from the sea water," she 
told him 
matter-of-factly, "but you are going to be fine."

"My eyes are burning too," he realized, "from the sea water I guess."

"They been washing them out, but the nurse said you'd have trouble with 
them for a few 
days," Mac nodded.  "But all in all Harmon Rabb, you are one lucky 
SOB."

"I don't remember anything," he whispered miserably.  "I need for you 
to tell me what 
happened."

"I will, but not all at once," she soothed, pushing him down on the 
pillow.  "Small doses 
please."

"OK, first question, why are you here and not with your husband Mrs. 
Brumby.  Don't tell 
me Mic is that understanding."  His eyes searched her face as he spoke, 
and he held his 
breath unconsciously waiting for the answer, which came a few seconds 
later as she 
showed him her bare left hand.  "No wedding, no Mrs. Brumby.  And no 
more Mic.  He 
and I have parted ways."

"I'm...no I can't say that...I can't say I'm sorry.  Mac..he wouldn't 
have made you happy."

"I know, well now I know," she smiled and as she leaned over to smooth 
some strands of 
hair back from his forehead, felt the Renee's note crinkle in her 
pocket.  Suddenly she felt 
a wave of dislike for the blonde.  Renee had left her to deal with 
Harm--she had not 
wanted to face herself.  Left Mac to deal with any emotional fallout 
from her departure.

As if reading her thoughts, he asked quietly, "Renee?"

Mac froze and looked away, and Harm's hand closed over hers.  "Mac?  
I'd like to see 
her."

"I wish you could," she whispered, trying without total success to keep 
her voice level.  
"Since you want to.  But she's gone Harm.  She did say you know how to 
reach her if you 
want to."  Mac kept her eyes from his face, not wanting to betray her 
own emotions.

"Is that all she said?"

"No she left you this."  She pulled out the now folded note and offered 
it to him.

"So what does it say?"

"Harm I'm a lot of things but not a snoop," she yelped.  Truth be told, 
she had been sorely 
tempted, but managed to refrain.

"Well you're going to have to snoop out loud," he told her.  "My eyes 
are burning and 
watering and no way I can read, not that hen scratch of Renee's 
especially.  All those 
loops and whirls."

"You want me to read your Dear John letter?"  Mac burst into laughter 
at the absurdity of 
this whole situation, made giddy by tiredness and relief that he was 
alive and with her.


 
 "I can get the nurse to read it to me if you'd rather not" Harm 
sighed. He 
 was silent for a moment when suddenly a memory of what had happened 
came 
 rushing back, the note and Renee temporarily forgotten.  "Mac, what 
about 
 Skates?" he demanded as he tried to sit up. "Is she okay? Did 
something 
 happen to her?"
 
 "Calm down" Mac ordered. "Skates is fine. She was picked up right 
after the 
 crash. Unlike you."
 
 "Thank god" Harm whispered, closing his eyes as he leaned back against 
the 
 pillows tiredly. "I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if anything 
had 
 happened to her."
 
 "Well she's fine so you can stop worrying about that" Mac chided as 
she 
 slipped the note from Renee back into her purse. "The only thing you 
should 
 be worrying about is getting better. You gave me quite a scare sailor. 
One 
 I'm not soon going to forget."
 
 "How long was I out there?" Harm murmured as Mac's soothing hand 
stroked his 
 forehead.
 
 "11 hours" Mac said softly. "But it's all over now and you're going to 
be 
 fine. Just relax and get some rest."
 
 "Are you staying?" he asked as his hand reached for hers.
 
 "SecNav himself couldn't drag me away" Mac whispered before dropping a 
 gentle kiss to his lips. "Rest sailor. I'm right here and I'm not 
going 
 anywhere."
 
 ***********************************************
 Captain Taylor's Office
 
 "The note" Harm exclaimed. "You never did read it to me did you?"
 
 "No" Mac said softly as she opened her purse and pulled out the now 
worn 
 envelope. "I'm sorry. I just never thought about it. I wasn't sure you 
were 
 up to it at first and I just thought it would be better to wait until 
you 
 were better. Course by then I'd forgotten about it."
 
 "It's okay" Harm assured her. "I had forgotten about it too." He 
opened the 
 envelope, pulled out the card and started to read.
 
 "Uh, you want to share with the rest of the group?" Captain Taylor 
prodded 
 with a small smile. "I have to admit the relationships that you two 
shared 
 with others while you obviously had feelings for each other intrigues 
me."
 
 "Mac, why don't you read it too me like you were supposed to" Harm 
said as 
 he handed it to her. "It applies to you as well anyway."
 
 Dear Harm,
 
 I’m sorry for not having the courage to tell you this in person but 
this is 
 easier for me. I know now that my miracle is never going to happen. 
And 
 maybe I'm running away without a fight, but even I know when to throw 
in the 
 towel. I could never compete with what you and Mac had shared before 
us. And 
 there's no way I'll be able to compete now with what she did. That she 
loves 
 you is suddenly very clear. That you love her is just as clear. And 
you 
 might deny that but the simple fact of what happened last night proves 
that 
 there's nothing that either of you wouldn't do for the other. And for 
that 
 reason, I know it's time for me to move on. I hope that one day you'll 
be 
 happy together. I'm going home to LA now and I hope you understand why 
I had 
 to do this.
 
 Love Always,
 Renee
 
 "I shouldn't have let it go that long" Harm sighed. "She deserved 
better 
 than that."
 
 "At least you didn't get to the aisle with her" Mac said quietly.
 
 "So tell me, how long have you two had feelings for each other?" 
Captain 
 Taylor asked with growing fascination.
 
 "Since the moment we met" Harm smiled as he looked at Mac. She reached 
for 
 his hand, squeezing it gently. "We just never seemed to be able to put 
into 
 words how we felt about each other."
 
 "What is this about what you had before then?" Captain Taylor. "You 
two were 
 never romantically involved correct."
 
 "No we weren't" Mac explained. "But Harm and I always had a special 
 relationship. We helped each other through some tough times and we 
were 
 close because of that."
 
 "Close until someone messed up by going back to flying" Harm added.
 
 "Well from the lengths you went to for each other that night, it's 
quite 
 obvious that you have a very special relationship" Captain Taylor 
agreed. 
 "And it's obvious that your significant others always knew it too. And 
you 
 two have finally managed to tell each other how you feel? How did that 
 happen?"
 
 "The hard way" Mac smiled. "Everything with us is the hard way. We 
were in 
 Pensacola on an investigation when another Tomcat crashed during a 
storm. We 
 just happened to be on the beach when it happened."
 
 "So what did you do?" Captain Taylor asked, his gaze falling to Harm.
 
 "They landed in the water" Harm quietly, Mac's hand tightening around 
his. 
 "And I was close enough to the blast that I ended up in the water. I 
knew 
 Mac had been behind me and I couldn't find her at first. I didn't know 
if 
 she was in the water or not."
 
 "And?" Captain Taylor prodded.
 
 "Mac saved my six again. I was starting to go under again and I kept 
 thinking that I was going to die without telling her how I felt. And 
then 
 suddenly she'd pulling me up and dragging me to the shore."
 
 "And so you told her you loved her?"
 
 "No I screamed at her for risking her life to save mine" Harm smiled. 
"I 
 couldn't believe she'd do something crazy like that."
 
 "And that's when I screamed that I loved him" Mac spoke up. "And then 
he 
 said it back."
 
 "Well I'm just glad you finally got the words out" Captain Taylor 
smiled. 
 "Because I knew from the first time you two came here that there was 
 something more than friendship here. Much more."
 
 "Yes there is" Harm said as he squeezed Mac's hand.
 
 "So tell me, have your nightmares stopped?" Captain Taylor asked Harm.
 
 "Since Pensacola, yes" Harm admitted.
 
 "Do you know why that is?"
 
 "Because the thing I feared the most was not ever being to tell Mac 
how I 
 felt," Harm said softly.
 
 "Bingo" Captain Taylor smiled. "Sounds like things are starting to get 
a 
 little clearer for you."
 
 "But he's still having problem flying" Mac spoke up.
 
 "Commander is that true?"
 
 "Yes" Harm sighed. "The flight to Pensacola wasn't something I want to 
do 
 again. I think I broke Mac's hand on the landing."
 
 "Nah, just sprained it" Mac teased. "But you sure didn't handle it too 
well 
 sailor."
 
 "So we still have some work to do then?" Captain Taylor asked and Harm 
 nodded. He wasn’t sure he'd ever fly an airplane again but he still 
had to 
 get used to being in one.  "I'll expect you both back here next week."

Harm rose and pulled Mac to her feet and they helped each other out 
into the corridor.  "I 
don't know about you but I need some coffee, and not just the slop the 
pour out in the 
cafeteria," she moaned.  "Starbucks.  Now."

"Yes ma'am you're reading my mind," he smiled, "and we shall walk.  The 
fresh air will do 
us both good.  We have a lot to talk about after tonight too, but I 
don't know if I can grasp 
it all at once."

"No you shouldn't try.  I know I'm not.  I had for so long not even 
wanted to think about 
those hours, and then suddenly it all gushed out.  I guess that's why 
Captain Taylor gets 
to call himself Dr. Taylor."

His arm slipped around her as they reached the sidewalk.  "You must 
have been scared 
to death.  I am so sorry."

"I was terrified," she admitted, "but you knew that.  I just wanted my 
Sailor back.  And for 
that I would have made a deal with the Devil himself.  I swear if 
Lucifer had stood before 
me I would have done anything he asked."

"But you made the deal with the other side," he smiled.

She nodded and rested her head against his arm as they walked.  Not 
until they were 
seated with steaming turtle mochas did they speak again.  "I'm still 
grasping with where 
do we go from here," he sighed, taking a long drink, seemingly 
unmindful of the scalding 
temperature.

"You know what they told us in OCS on marches," she grinned. "Don't 
think any further 
than putting that next foot forward.  It's going to all be fine.  The 
worst is over.  No more 
secrets.  What happened--the events of those horrible hours--have all 
come out now.  
Now we can go forward. Together."  She smiled and added shyly, "if 
that's what you 
want."

"You damn right it is."  He spoke so vehemently as to draw looks from 
the table next to 
them and he grinned sheepishly.  "Yes it is," he added.  "You know it 
is, and I want the 
whole thing with you.  The whole nine yards.  I want to stand at an 
altar and watch you 
walk down the aisle to me.  I want our friends and family to watch you 
become Mrs. 
Harmon Rabb."

"Mr. Harmon Rabb is a romantic after all," she giggled.  "But that's 
not what I want."

His face took on a tortured look and then he nodded slowly.  "I 
understand.  You're not 
ready.  After all that's happened, you don't want to make that kind of 
commitment.  I 
understand.  Having you in my life, knowing that you love me, is more 
than I deserve as it 
is.  I'll quit while I'm ahead."

"Are you quite through?" she giggled again. "Honestly Rabb. Now as I 
was about to say,  
I already tried that, showers and gifts and rehearsal dinners and gowns 
and attendants 
and all that circus hurrah and it didn't make it right.  I'm not doing 
that again.  But a 
marriage.  Now that's something else again.  That bears thinking 
about."

"Really?"  His heart pounded as he considered the possibilities.

"That's normally what two people as much in love as we are get around 
to doing isn't it?"

"Oh yeah, oh yeah," he smiled in relief.  "Sarah I do love you."

"I know," she smiled.  "You wear your heart on your sleeve now and I 
like that.  You 
never did that before."

"I never loved anyone before, not like you," he whispered, taking her 
hand.  The 
conversation had turned serious and it was as if they were the only 
people in the shop as 
he kissed the back of her hand and then toyed with her ring finger.  
"We need to get the 
proper ring on this finger."

"And its owner will wear it proudly," she whispered back.  "Harmon Rabb 
I do love you."

THE END