Title: Nights.... Author: wizkid (jagwizkid@adelphia.net) Disclaimer: They ain't mine, never have been, never will be, I just like to take them out and play with them ever so often. No money is being made (like anyone would actually pay for it anyway LOL) so please don't sue. I don't have any rights to the song, "Hold on to the Night" by Richard Marx either. Classification: Angst, Romance Rating: R Spoilers: anything up to and including Lifeline Summary: The kiss on the Admiral's porch causes problems... Feedback: I'd love it...:-) Author's Notes: OK, I know that in the show the engagement party happened like a week before the wedding. Well, since that doesn't exactly work with what I need, for the sake of this story, the engagement party happened 6 weeks before the scheduled wedding. Also, there is angst in this story, but I promise it is worth it, OK?! Thanks to LeE for the beta! Thanks to LeE and danari for the encouragement and sharing their thoughts! So without further ado...... Nights.. "Just when I believed I couldn't ever want for more This ever-changing world pushes me through another door. I saw you smile, and my mind could not erase the beauty of your face. Just for a while, won't you let me shelter you... Hold on to the night Hold on to the memories I wish that I could give you something more, That I could be yours...." I'm scared to open my eyes, scared that what just happened...or was it what I *think* just happened... will be just another dream. Tentatively, I open one eye, and shut it just as quickly; trying to hide the elation I am feeling. My heartbeat quickens at the thought of what I've just done, partially because I know that I've made a big mistake, and partially because I've done the one think I've longed to do for five years now. My breath catches at the memory. I just made the most awesome love to my partner, my best friend, that I will never regret...only the circumstances. I can't wipe this goofy grin off my face. 'Geez, Rabb, get hold of yourself! You are not some hormonal teenager, you are a Naval officer!' No, but I just made possibly the biggest mistake of my life and loved every minute of it. It all started five days ago at her engagement party. Maybe I opened up to her too much, maybe it was that kiss, whatever it was, we're here now. She's curled up in my arms, in my bed and for a moment in time anyway, Sarah MacKenzie is mine. I wish time would stop because I know all too soon she'll leave and go back to that damned Aussie. I know I had no right, but tonight seemed so perfect, like it was meant to be. I push all these negative thoughts from my mind as I pull her into my embrace, content to hold her while I can. I feel his arms tighten around me and I willingly snuggle into him. How did we get here? Oh, yeah. That kiss on the Admiral's porch. It was supposed to be "good-bye" but the way he deepened that kiss, I couldn't help but to succumb to it. Why couldn't he have done that in Sydney? I know I shouldn't be here, but I couldn't get it out of my head. Besides, it seemed so right, so perfect, like a beautiful dance that just had to happen.... A dance I wanted to happen. How do I go on, though? I've wanted this for so long. I've finally got it and I can't have it. That damned ring on my finger tells me that. "Mac," his soft voice comes to my ears. "Shhhh!" I whisper to him as I place my finger over his lips. Somehow I know what he's going to say, I just don't want to hear it. He takes my hand and kisses my palm. I know I can't stop him. "Mac, I'm sorry. I know this shouldn't have happened...." "So you regret it?" I hear myself ask, not sure that I want to know the answer. He looks me in the eyes, his gaze intense as I feel his hand caressing my cheek. "No. I'd never regret making love to you, Sarah. I just had no right. I shouldn't have..." I sit up and stop him from saying any more. "I'm a big girl, Harm. If I didn't want this to happen I would have stopped it. I'm a Marine, remember? I *can* take care of myself...even with you. I've wanted this for a long time." I love the look I see in his eyes, as he understands my words. He leans up and kisses me lovingly. I don't want to leave the warmth of his embrace, but at the same time I'm not ready to deal with the consequences of what just happened, not yet...and maybe not ever. I feel her move beside me. She presses a kiss to my lips before heading to the bathroom. I reluctantly leave the bedroom, slipping on my clothes as I walk to the kitchen. I pull a bottle of water from the fridge as I hear her come from the bathroom. As I stand here, leaning against the wall of my bedroom watching her slip her clothes over that gorgeous body, I realize I am completely and utterly screwed. How can I ever go back? I know working with Sarah MacKenzie and never being able to touch her again will kill me. I see him looking at me. I know that look; it's the same one I'd be giving him if I were to chance looking at him right now. I don't want to leave, but I know I can't stay. Mic will be waiting for me and I can't deal with this yet. Mic has given so much. I'll go home and act like this never happened. It will very likely kill me, but its something I must do if I'm going to survive this. I walk over to where he's standing and look into his face. No words come to either of us. I reach up and kiss him. His lips are so warm, not just physically, but his warmth reaches in and touches my heart. There's a safety here in his embrace, but I can't let myself accept it. I don't deserve it. I feel the wet trail of the tear that slides down my cheek as I mindlessly start the car. My body is going home, my mind concocting ways to get Mic to leave me alone tonight, but my heart stays in the apartment I've just left, in the hands of the man who lives there. "Hold on to the night Hold on to the memory I wish that I could give you something more That I could be yours..." MONDAY MORNING JAG HQ I barely get my briefcase and cover on my desk before Tiner is in my office informing me that the Admiral wants to see me ASAP, he also tells me that Lt. Colonel MacKenzie is already there. Colonel MacKenzie. My mind drifts back to that night only a few days ago, to how wonderful she felt in my arms and how strong the pain was as I watched her car leave, heading down the street heading to her home, to another man. Things have been somewhat strange between us since that night. She looks at me and I can see the longing and pain in her eyes and I know it's mirrored in my own. I've tried to keep my distance, keep interactions professional knowing that if I were alone with her the only thing I'd want to do is take her in my arms and kiss away the pain. "At ease, Commander." The Admiral's voice draws me from my distant thoughts. He motions for me to take a seat. I nod as I lower myself into the chair beside the one presently occupied by the object of my thoughts. The Admiral proceeds to inform us of our new case. A top pilot out of Camp Pendelton was scheduled to be transferred to a carrier effective this morning. Unfortunately, he was taken into custody last night, charged with the murder of the XO's wife. The Admiral believes it's a fairly open and shut case but he's giving us a week to conduct the investigation and prepare our report. We have a 1200 flight out of Andrews. We are dismissed to go home and pack a few things before our flight. I follow her out of the office. "Ready for this, Marine?" "Let's see...leaving DC for California? A week with you? Yeah. I think I can handle that." She smiles at me as she begins gathering her things. I let out the breath I'd been holding, awaiting her answer.... It was more than I could have asked for. I know she's confused. I know I should not be putting her into these situations where she has to choose between him and me, but when I look at her, I get lost all over again. I can't believe how I've messed things up over the years, how I could have spoken so vaguely on that ferry to turn her away from me and into his arms. This wouldn't be so complicated if I could have just made myself a little more clear. So much for the smooth talking attorney! "How 'bout I pick you up? We can ride together. There's no sense taking two vehicles to the same place." "Sure" she says as she closes the office door, "See you in a bit." She gives me one more smile as she heads to the elevator. I turn toward my own office to gather my things, but hesitate a bit, watching her walk away. She is so beautiful. How could I have been so stupid for so long? How can I convince her to stay with me? I take a deep cleansing breath and let it out as I banish these thoughts from my mind and focus on the job at hand. It's going to be a great week. Even with a case to investigate, I have a week alone with Sarah MacKenzie. 7:00 Pacific Camp Pendelton, CA We've just made it to the VOQ after our first meeting with the CO. It went well, but after the long flight and all the information the CO just gave us, I'm ready for some relaxation time. The flight was long, but good being so close to Harm like that. The rest of our investigation will get started full swing in the morning. Harm wanted to take some time to call his Mom being so close and all, so I volunteered to walk the short distance for some food. It would give me time to sort some things out anyway. I can't believe I've put myself in this position. Why did I have to wind up in his arms that night? Why did I have to go for that "good-bye" kiss at the engagement party? Why did I accept Mic's offer? No, I know why I accepted it. Mic is stable. He's not changing his designator at the drop of a hat to fly those damned Tomcats. Its not the Tomcats, I know, its that Harms just so willing to drop everything, leave JAG to go back to flying, almost left the Navy to go after Sergei, had us traipsing all over Russia for his Dad, not that I minded that, but what's next? I thought the Navy meant everything to him, but he was willing to leave it to go after Sergei. What will he find that's important enough to leave me for? But Mic's not like that. Sure, he's not the one person I love more than life itself, but Mic left the Navy for *me*, not the other way around. Mic is the stability I've never had. Am I willing to risk that for the chance at true love? But if Mic is so good, why do I want so badly to get back and into Harm's arms? I mean, not that that's what I'm expecting or anything. I could get back there and he only wants to talk about the case. Yeah, right! I smile to myself as I think about the way I've caught him looking at me here lately. I know exactly what is on that Rabb mind! It's the same thing that is on mine! It's only been five days since this whole affair started.... No, that's not exactly right. This affair began in a rose garden five years ago, the act just happened five days ago. Oh, that night! ::sigh:: The most wonderful night of my life. I made love to the man of my dreams. AAARRGGGHHH! I hate this! Then why the hell am I wearing Mic's ring? Part of me says mail the ring back before I get back to the VOQ, and part of me says that I'm just another of Harm's obsessions and I'll be old news as soon as he gets a new one. Mic is offering me everything I've dreamed of... well, everything but Harm. So for now, I will be totally wrong and enjoy every moment I have with Harm as though it were the last, until I can figure this whole thing out before its too late, and somehow in the process of all this, try not to raise Mic's suspicions. I'm at the door of his quarters, knowing that my heart is on the other side of the door. I take a deep breath, barely registering the heat on my hand from the box I am carrying, and knock on the door. After a few moments of no response, I knock again, louder. Harm still doesn't respond, so I try the door. I'm surprised as it gives way under my touch. I slowly open the door, peering inside. The lights are dim and it takes a moment for my eyes to adjust as I turn around to close the door. I wonder if Harm had stepped out for a moment. Then I see the clothes laying out on the bed. He must be taking a shower. Maybe I'll just wait in my quarters. But that shirt. Oh, my! That was the shirt he was wearing that night. I loose myself in the memories.... I know I shouldn't have, but I reached down and picked up the shirt. I've seen Harm in that shirt countless times before, its his favorite. Even several years ago when he offered me a glass of "Agua de Mineralle" as he called it, I was struck by how good he looked in that shirt. I hold the shirt close to me. Ahhhh. It smells like him. My eyes close as I remember. My fingertips can almost feel the muscles under the worn fabric. I remember the way my body responded to his nearness. Hell, I was lost the moment he looked at me with all the love and desire in his eyes. I can almost feel his breath on my skin, his lips warm against my neck the way they were then, the way his arms went around from behind ..no. Wait. That night, he was in front of.HELLO!! I must have been so engrossed in my thought that I didn't hear him come out of the shower. I turn around to find a very naked Harmon Rabb Jr standing there. I knew he knew what I was thinking cause he flashed me that flyboy smile of his. I see that look in his eyes and I am putty once again. Why am I like this with him? What was it he had called me? A semper-fi, kick ass, jar-head? That maybe true in the rest of my life, but when I'm alone with him, I'm a woman first and foremost.. A woman deeply in love with the man before her. He is my addiction and I've only been with him once, but this addiction is why I find myself willing to cheat on my fiancee. "I'm glad you're back. I was getting lonely," he said in what I've now learned is his 'bedroom' voice. He never moved away from me so I can see how dark his eyes have become even in the dimly lit room. He kisses me, and I am lost again… I feel her move from my embrace. I know she'll be leaving. I hate this. I know there have been times where I'd give anything if Renee had left instead of staying the night, but this is different. There's nothing I want more than to wake up with the morning light feeling her in my arms, but I wonder if that will ever happen. I turn on my side in the bed watching her dress. "Stay," I say softly. She stops and turns to me. "I can't, Harm. Mic will be calling soon." I really want to ask what difference that makes, but I know that she will have to work this out. Somewhere deep down inside I know she will, but right now, its hard to believe there will be anything but this, these wonderful moments, then her leaving. She bends down and kisses me then turns and practically runs out the door without looking back. As the door slams shut, I sink into the bed, closing my eyes willing the pain in my chest to go away. WEDNESDAY Camp Pendleton Another day of this investigation is over. I'm glad it's going as smoothly as it is, but part of me wishes it were a little more difficult. If it were, it would force Harm and I to stay here longer. To stay here, a continent away from Mic and all the problems. Harm had broken up with Renee the night of the engagement party, so I know he's in no hurry to get home. We're going to look over the case a little more.... At least that's the pretense. Harm's gone now to get some supper since I got it the other night. He offered to grab some take-out while I freshened up from the day. Just like old times, take-out, a case, and then a movie. But I know tonight won't be *just* like old times. Tonight, I know it will end the way "old times" ended in my dreams.... Well, almost. In my dreams, I get to stay in his arms, not leave to wait for a phone call from another man. What if I don't answer when he calls? Will he get upset, start questioning...do I really care if he does? I know in my heart that I don't love him, at least not the way I do Harm. Enough questioning, at least while I'm out here with Harm, only feelings at night. There's enough questioning during the day with the investigation. My phone rings, bringing me out of my tortured thoughts. I answer it, knowing exactly who it is. "Hey, Marine! Food's here." I hear his voice and my heart beats a little faster. A smile crosses my face as I make my way to his quarters. Supper is long gone and the movie is winding down. It's too early. Holding her in my arms for the past two hours has been like heaven and I'm not ready for it to end. I softly begin placing kisses on her cheek, her ear, and her neck. I love the feel of her skin, her warmth, her scent. She is intoxicating. I can feel my body betraying my thoughts. I try to control the way my pulse quickens but she evidently can feel my struggle because she turns in my arms and as our eyes lock, I see the desire reflected in her eyes, and I swear there's more than just desire. My breath catches as her lips descend on mine. Suddenly, she parts her lips in invitation and just as suddenly the kiss takes on a life of its own. THURSDAY CAMP PENDLETON, CA We've just finished our investigation, but we'll probably be back. Well, at least one of us will be back. The pilot has requested us for defense counsel and the court date will most likely happen while I'm supposed to be on my honeymoon. I almost groan at the thought. My honeymoon. With Mic. Somehow, I always thought that my honeymoon would be with Harm. I can't imagine that happening. Although we've spent so much time in each other's arms, he's given me no reason to believe it is anything more than physical. I think I see something in his eyes, but he has yet to verbalize anything. Maybe I'm just imagining things; still I'm not ready to let go of him altogether. Maybe one day things will change. I'm sure the Admiral will assign the case, so we used the rest of the day to go over possible plea bargains and outcomes. As we finished up, I had a few more things I wanted to get done, so Harm went on back to the VOQ. I catch up with him just as he reaches the VOQ. He said he had to stop by the PX. He follows me to my quarters. I open the door and he follows me in before gently taking me in his arms and kissing me. These are the moments I live for, the gentle way he loves, yet seems to love with all his heart. I just wish it was the everlasting love for me...My phone rings, breaking the spell. I walk over and answer it. I notice he doesn't move. "MacKenzie." The voice on the other end causes my smile to fade. Why am I like this? I'm supposed to be marrying this guy! I hesitate, willing my voice not to betray me. "Mic. Hi." I say with all the cheerfulness I can muster. I turn in time to see Harm retreat from the room. I couldn't tell you the contents of the conversation if my life depended on it as my mind was on a certain Navy commander. I knocked on his door, pounded on his door, but I got no answer. I went to my room and dialed his quarters and let it ring for a long time. Still there was no answer. Where could he be? I decided to head down to the O Club, I didn't feel like sitting in my room. I walked in and did a quick scan of the area. My eyes lock on him, or at least his back. He's sitting at the bar holding a drink. I thank my lucky stars that there's an open seat next to him. I silently walk up beside him. "Is this seat taken?" I ask. "Actually, it is," he says, "by a beautiful Marine Colonel." He turns to me and I see his beautiful smile, but I'm worried when I noticed that his smile doesn't quite make it to his eyes. I sit beside him and order tonic water for myself. "I'm sorry, Sarah." I hear him say softly. "I should have told you where I was going." "It's alright." I smile at him, but something's just not right. "Are you OK?" He looks away from me and nods slowly. "Just a bit afraid," he admits. Harmon Rabb. Afraid? This must be serious. I look at him, but he's still intently studying his drink, not looking at me. I touch his forearm, silently asking him to continue. "I've finally got everything I've always wanted, but I can't have it." He looks so sad. I understand his words. It saddens me to realize that I'm the one who can fix the situation...if only I were a little more courageous. I look down at my own drink as I hear him take a breath and continue. "I'm scared because tomorrow we'll get back to DC, you'll go home to Mic and I'll only be an affair." Oh, Harm. How can you think that is all I feel for you? He still won't look at me as he bears his heart to me. I've never known him to be so open and it touches me, and scares me at the same time. Now the ball is in my court, but do I have the guts to play it? But one more glance at him and I determine at that moment to make things right for him. We sit in companionable silence for a while before he speaks again, this time in a decidedly more upbeat tone. "Well, none of that matters now. We still have one more night here and I intend to make the best of it." He pulls me from the stool at the bar as he lays down money for our drinks. I lead her back to my room which has already been setup. I know I have one last chance, one chance to show her exactly how much she means to me. I don't know why I can't just come out and say it. Feelings are just too hard for me. I want her to know it. I want her to know that she is my all. As I lead her to my room, my heart is pounding. Will she come to understand how I really feel? Tonight will tell. I open the door to my room to the sound of soft, romantic music playing in the soft glow of the candles as they dance to the rhythm of the night. I turn to her just inside the doorway. "Welcome to paradise..." Those words. What a beautiful way to put it. The music he chose for tonight was just right. The only light put a romantic glow to the room. I could barely keep my eyes off him as the candlelight cast a beautiful shadow on his face, bringing out his rugged good looks while putting a sparkle into his eyes. Was it the candles or could it be...? No it couldn't be. If it was, why didn't he just say it. "Harm, I think we should..." "Shhh!" was the only thing he said but it consumed all the words right from my mouth as he placed his lips softly onto mine. I knew we would be returning tomorrow but we still had tonight. I kissed him gently, sending a warm feeling *throughout* my body. I gently parted my lips letting his tongue explore mine. He runs his hands through my hair pulling me deeper into his kiss. I press my body against his, melting myself into his body, becoming one with the one I desire most. I must make this last. I have to make her understand how much I feel for her so that when she goes back to her home….with him…she will remember this. Every touch will make her think of me. Maybe its wrong, but I want this to be engrained in her memory, I plan to make sure ever inch of her is seared into mine. I am always amazed at the way he makes love. No one has ever made me feel the way he does. No one. Not even Mic. I will always remember this night for as long as I live…and maybe longer. I've made love to her every day, well, every night, this week. Its the stuff dreams are made of, at least it would be if the situation weren't so much of a nightmare. She's back in her quarters now. I'm standing at the window, looking out at the base that is now cloaked in darkness, much like my heart. This could be the last time I'll ever get to make love to my Sarah. Its three weeks until the wedding. Once we get back to DC, we'll be knee-deep in case work and the rest of her time will be spent finalizing the details of the wedding. Maybe I should just ask her to call it off. But would she? I battle with the thought a while when I hear a knock at the door. Who could that be? Its 0100 hours. I look through the peephole and see Sarah on the other side. "Mac?" I say as I open the door to her. Her eyes glisten with unshed tears. "Mac, are you OK, honey?" I say taking her into my arms. She lets me comfort her for a while before she steps back. "He never called. When I spoke to him earlier he said he'd call but he hasn't. Its 0403 in DC. I've been calling since I left but he doesn't answer. He's not there and he's not answering his cell." I take her in my arms again whispering words of comfort. Suddenly she turns and I see a fire in her eyes. "Do you want to know the worst part, Harm? I don't even care where he is. I'm supposed to marry him and yet I don't care where he is." I can feel the sun coming through the windows. Its time to wake up, we have a trip back to Andrews in a few hours. As my mind comes more awake, I'm aware of the softness in my arms. Damn pillow. My eyes open. As I'm ready to fling the offending object across the room, I stop and realize the softness in my arms is no pillow. My arms tighten around her as she begins to stir. "Good morning, beautiful." I say softly as she her eyes canvass my face and a smile curls at her lips. We don't have to get up right now, so I snuggle against her and enjoy the feel of her in my arms. We run to catch our flight. Those last few moments in his arms cost us our time cushion getting to the flight. I really wouldn't complain too badly if we missed the flight, but I'm sure one Admiral AJ Chegwidden would have something different to say about that. We collapse in our seats, finding humor in the situation. I settle back in the seat preparing myself to enjoy the last few hours with my partner, my friend, and my lover. The trip is wonderful, just being with him. Before I'm ready, we prepare for approach at Andrews. "I'm not ready for our time to end," I whisper to him. "We still have the ride back to your place," he says, flashing me that flyboy smile. He wanted every minute as much as I do. As we make our way through the building, I hear a voice that makes my blood run cold. Brumby. "Welcome home, luv," he says and I watch Mac walk into his embrace. Sarah. My Sarah. She woke up in *my* arms this morning! For the first time, I feel the anger I've pushed back for so long, and the hurt. "Rabb" he says shaking my hand. "Brumby," I reply as courteously as I can manage. "Did you have a good trip?" he asks. Mac nods, stepping back trying to put some distance between them, but I notice he's not letting go. "Mic, Harm was going to bring me home." "You don't mind, do ya, mate?" He annoys the hell out of me. I’d love to tell him just how much I do mind, but the ball is in her court now, I can't play it for her. "Maybe you could meet us for dinner," he offers, "I'm sure you are hungry from the flight anyway." He never let go of Mac the whole time he was talking. "Actually, I think I'm going to go home and finish the reports so I can get them to the Admiral," I decline gracefully. I think I see the disappointment cross Mac's beautiful face, but there is no way I can spend time watching them - together. I turn to walk away. She pulls away from Mic and touches my arm. "Be careful, Harm." I nod. I can tell she wants to say more but holds back. "You too," I say, but I can't turn to face her. I pat her hand and continue to my Lexus. 'Be careful' she says. Yep. I can be careful putting the bullet of my service weapon through my heart. Besides, it couldn't hurt any worse than my heart does now. We're on the way to my apartment. I can't believe Mic showed up there. I've got to do something. I know what he had in mind tonight, since its been a week since I've been home, but the thought of being with him...he's my fiancée, but why do I feel like I'd be cheating on Harm? "Mic, we need to talk," He doesn't like it, but I don't give him any choice. I explain that I want the wedding night to be special, so I'd like to hold off on being "together" until then. He even said he had a friend he could stay with. That would be wonderful. Maybe then I can think. "How do we explain Something that took us by surprise? Promise is in vain Love that is real but in disguise. What happens now? Do we break another rule? Let our lovers play the fool? I don't know how to stop feeling this way Hold on to the night Hold on to the memories If only I could give you more" TUESDAY NORTH OF UNION STATION The Admiral's had us hopping the first few days of the week and I have a case that I really need to talk to someone about, like a sounding board. Maybe if I can just verbalize my thoughts to someone, I can figure out what I'm missing, so I asked Mac to come over tonight since she's not on this case. She agreed quickly, Mic is out of town for the night. We've spent and hour arguing over the fine points of my case when things turn more personal. I take her by her shoulders and force her to face me. "Mac. I've been thinking a lot lately, about us," I hesitate slightly, building my courage. "There's something you should know." I can't read her _expression, but its something like a deer caught in headlights. I drop my hands down her arms, taking her hands in mine, refusing to let her go. My heart is pounding because what I'm about to do could send her running from my life forever. "Sarah, when I've made love to you, I'm doing just that- making *love* to you. None of this has been about sex, Sarah, not with me. I've only wanted to show you how much I lo..." she stops me. She pulls out of my grasp and walks to the window, looking out over the dark street. "Harm, please! I'm engaged to Mic." "And sleeping with me." I regret the words even before they leave my mouth. The look she gives me is one of hurt and pain. I curse myself and swear that if I ever get a chance with her I'll never do that again. "I'm sorry, Mac. That didn't..." "No, Harm, your right. I don't know what I'm doing. I mean, I’m marrying him, right? So why do I keep coming to you?" Her words hurt, but I know she's right. What we have is forbidden, yet for some reason we just can't seem to get past it. I force her to look at me. "Do you love him?" She looks away from me. "Harm," she pleads. "Please, Mac. Don't tell me I don't get to ask that question. I need to know. If you really love him, I'll back away." "Harm, please don't do this now. I was hoping for a nice relaxing evening now that we’ve finished the case. We'll.... I’ll...work this out, I promise, just can we just be us, just one more time." I smile as my hands caress her arms. I know we have to deal with this, but this is probably the last moment we'll share like this. I push everything out of my mind, again, and focus on here and now. I kiss her and I can feel her respond. I smile inwardly, knowing that somewhere in her heart, there is still a place for me. Maybe there's a way after all. "So he's giving you everything you want?" I ask her, kissing from her shoulder, up her neck to her earlobe. She responds by letting her head fall back. "Mostly," she says, her fingers running over my back. "He just can't give me what I want most." I pull away from the intoxicating smell I find at the base of her neck. The perfume mixed with her own, to make a scent decidedly Sarah MacKenzie. "And what is it that you want most?" A fleeting thought passes through my mind that I hope the conversation turns out better than the one on the Admiral's porch. "You," she whispers, and my heart soars. I kiss her again and her mouth opens to mine. I lost myself in her, in the feel of her in my arms, her lips pressed against mine. I didn't notice the couple crossing the street, which looked up at us. I didn't care who saw her in my arms. The only thing that existed was the here and now and the fact that Sarah MacKenzie said she wanted me most of all. The sound of a knock at the door pulled us apart. I looked deeply into her eyes and rested my forehead against hers as we both fought to regain the composure of senior JAG officers. She smiled at me and walked to the couch as I opened the door. He admitted it. I can't believe he admitted it. Who cares if I stopped him from saying the whole thing? He admitted that he loved me. Oh, my gosh, what am I going to do now though? I'm on cloud nine! "Mom. Frank," I hear him say, opening the door to allow their entrance. "What are you guys doing here?" I begin to feel uncomfortable. "Well, hello, Mac." Trish greets me. I smile and greet her warmly in return. "There's a convention in DC this week so I thought we'd stop by and surprise my son!" Trish is enthusiastic, but I can tell by the look on Harms face that this is a little more surprise than he was happy with. I simply smile and tell them I'd leave so they can have some family time. Trish assures me that my presence is welcome, but I politely beg off claiming and early morning and began gathering the files strewn over Harm's coffee table. Harm has been quiet so I'm not completely sure what he's thinking. Unfortunately, reaching for those files was probably the wrong thing to do. The light must have caught my ring. I heard Trish's exclamation. I didn't understand until she jumped up and grabbed my hand, examining the ring. "When were you going to tell us, Harm? You know a mother likes to know when her only son is going to be married." Our eyes lock on each other and I can read the regret in his eyes as he mumbles, "It's not mine." His mother drops my hand and turns to Harm as I make quick work of the remainder of the files. "The Colonel is engaged to Commander Mic Brumby. He was one of our exchange officers from the RAN." Trish apologized profusely and Harm followed me to the door. Out in the hallway, he whispered, "I'm so sorry, Mac" I just nodded, feeling very awkward at the moment. He looked at me with such intensity. I know he wasn't ready to let the conversation drop. "Do you love him?" I guess he figured fourth time was the charm. "Harm," I said hoping he'd catch my warning tone. I look him in the eyes and began my retreat. "I'll see you in the morning." I was afraid to touch him, afraid of what I might do, but he reaches out and touches my arm as I turn to leave. I continue walking, willing my feet not to run back into his arms. As I got about halfway down the hall, his voice comes to my ears. "Sarah," I turn to look at him, the use of my given name halting my movements. "I love you. What if I said I'd give you everything he's offering you?" I smile a forced smile at him. He's just given me everything I've ever wanted, and yet...."I'd say your timing sucks, Commander." I watched the doors on the elevator close and turned back towards my own apartment. I steel myself for a chewing out worthy of Admiral Chegwidden when I walk back inside. I saw the look on Mom's face when I told her Mac was engaged to Brumby. I don't know what she knows but I have the distinct feeling I'm about to find out. I take a deep breath and walk back inside. "What are you doing, Harmon?" She starts the moment I close the door. 'Harmon.' Boy, am I in trouble. I don't have time to respond, not that I even *have* a response anyway. "You know, if you're going to have an affair, you could at least close the blinds. I saw you kissing her from the street, and don't give me any of that friendship crap. That was no friendly kiss!" I closed my eyes and sighed. No one ever comes to this area. "I'm disappointed in you, Harm. I thought I raised you better than that. She's not yours. She belongs to someone else." "No one knows that more than I do," I reply softly. "I thought you were an officer and a gentleman, but this is neither." All I could do was fall back on my years of being chewed out by my superiors in the Navy and say "Yes, Ma'am." She continued for a while, but I really didn't hear anything else. My mind rested on the terrible situation I'd put my self and Sarah in. My Sarah, 'Ha!' I think to myself. She's NOT *my* Sarah. That's the problem. She's Brumby's Sarah. And I may have sealed my fate with that admission. How I wish I could talk to her. A single tear escaped and rolled down my cheek. "Trish." I hear the voice of my stepfather, but my eyes are locked on a far away place, the future I'd ruined for myself. I noticed Frank lead my mother to another room, but I can't hear their words, nor do I try. I lead my wife to the kitchen, away from my stepson. "Trish," I speak softly, not wanting Harm to hear and in an attempt to calm my wife. "I know what he did wasn't right, but I also know that fussing at him now is just kicking a man when he's down. The man I see in there is hurting beyond anything you can say. He's very much in love, but he's hurting just as much." She looks at me and then at Harm. He's looking out the window and we can see the fresh trail of a tear. I know how serious it must be for my Navy Commander stepson, the strong man I know him to be, to be to the point of tears. Trish just nods at me, pats my arm and goes to him. I watch her stand by him for a moment before enveloping him in a mother's love. The only light in my apartment comes from the candles I have placed around. The gentle flickering of the flames tends to relax me, and that's one thing I need right now. I'm listening to one of my favorite radio programs, a love song dedication program. I have to admit, it makes me jealous, but at the same time it makes me think that somewhere all is right in the world, and that somewhere lovers exist in happiness. I sit here looking at my empty apartment and can't help but wonder how differently my life would be had I not been so stupid in Sydney. The phone rings and I absently pick it up without checking Caller ID. "Hey, Sailor." I hear her wonderful voice, but I notice the hint of sadness it contained, " I just wanted to see how you were after what happened earlier." I notice his hesitation and it worries me. "I'm so sorry, Mac. I'm sorry for ruining your life. This is supposed to be a wonderful time for you and I've gone and messed it up." His words hit me like a brick and I know I've done this to him. If I was just willing to give up the sure thing for the unknown, the 'what may be', we wouldn't be having this conversation. No, I would probably be in his arms right now. "What happened, Harm?" I'm concerned. His voice is so full of sadness. "She saw us through the window. She saw me kissing you." "As I recall, it wasn't quite so one-sided." I try to lighten his mood, but he remains silent. I can hear the music playing in the background. I can't help thinking of how I'd love to be in his arms, swaying to the music. It's been a while since her call. I'm laying here in the dark, trying to put the pieces of my life back together. For some reason, the radio catches my ear when I hear the dedication "To Flyboy from Ninja Girl, you have someone who will always love you." I don't know whether I should get my hopes up or not, but at least its something. I can only hope he hears the song. I can't think of a song that expresses what I'm feeling any better. Still, can I really give up Mic's safety? "Well, I think that I've been true to everybody else but me And the way I feel about you makes my heart long to be free Every time I look into your eyes, I'm helplessly aware The someone I've been searching for is right there." FRIDAY JAG HQ I am not looking forward to tonight! We're going out with a bunch from JAG. The Roaches are back in town. Mac will be going with *him* no doubt. I'll be alone. I just don't want to even ask anyone else to go with me. I don't really want to go, but if I don't show up there will be questions that I don't want to answer. LATER THAT NIGHT The music's been pretty good, it seems like everyone's having a good time, everyone but Harm anyway. He's spent most of the night leaning against the bar, nursing a beer. I've caught his eye on me more times that I can count. I've done my share of looking too though. I always enjoy seeing him outside of work. No matter how good he looks in uniform, even the summer whites, nothing can compare to the way his civvies shirts seem to hang just right to bring out that strong chest, those muscular arms. Ummm! An arm around my shoulder brings me from my thoughts. Mic asks me to dance. I agree, but I can feel Harm's eyes on me. I'm glad this night is almost over. I can't handle this much longer. I dance with my fiancée wondering what my life will be like here in a few more weeks when I am his wife. I'm glad the song is finally over, but as we are leaving the dance floor, another song begins. Within moments of the first strains, Harm is beside me. "May I have this dance?" he asks. Mic nods and I slip my arm around his. Once on the dance floor, he wraps me in his arms. I'm where I want to be. "What are you doing, Harm?" I ask. I'm afraid someone will see what I'm feeling. "I couldn't imagine a better song," he whispers in my ear. I swallow hard and my heart breaks as I notice the song 'How Do I Live Without You'. "Harm." He holds me tighter. "Let me give you everything you want. I promise, Sarah. I won't hurt you again. I do love you." I just look at him. I don't trust my voice to respond, instead, I lay my head against his chest, not caring who sees. I hear him start singing and feel his cheek resting against my head. "How do I live without you? I want to know How do I breathe without you? If you ever go How do I ever, ever survive? How do I, How do I, how do I live?" As the song ends, he looks me in the eyes. "Please, Sarah. Don't marry him. Give me one more chance to prove my love." I close my eyes. My head tells me one thing, my heart tells me another. I tell him the only thing I know. "I do love you Harm, but does just loving the other person make a relationship?" “I guess about as much as not loving the other person makes a marriage." "I gave him my word." I watch him nod a little. He looks crushed. Then clears his throat, takes a deep breath, and turns to me and says "Have a good life, Sarah MacKenzie." He kisses my hand and quickly disappears into the crowd, leaving me frozen. I'm scared to move for fear that I will forget the man walking in front of me and run after him. One week. I have one week to get completely over Sarah MacKenzie. In one week she'll be married and I will NOT have her cheating on her husband, not with me. No matter how I feel, I will not do that to her. For the first time in my life, I'm glad my current case has had me out of the office doing investigations most of the week. I'm so glad I'll be able to lock myself in my apartment this weekend with a case of beer. I'm just glad I haven't had to see her or hear about all her last minute wedding plans. I hear a knock on my office door. I refuse to answer it, hoping whoever it is will just assume I'm not in since the blinds are closed and will just go away and leave me alone. Unfortunately, I hear the doorknob turn and feel the differences in the air as my visitor comes in. I don't look up from the file in my hand. I don't have to see her to know it’s her. I can feel her. I can smell her perfume. I refuse to look up and she doesn't speak as she closes the door. She walks over to my desk and in one motion closes the file in my hand and rests her hand on top of it on my desk. Damn. Why can't she just leave me alone? I'm still looking at the file trying to hold on to my anger, knowing one look at her and I'm a gone all over again. I'm annoyed at myself. I have got to get over this! Then my eyes focus on her hand. Wait a minute. That would be her left hand. A *bare* left hand! I know the moment he notices. I can see his shoulders relax a bit. I even watch him bite his bottom lip, a motion I could never imagine him doing. Then, ever so gently, I feel his finger rubbing mine where the ring had been. Finally, he looks up at me. I see the question in his eyes. "For you." I whisper and suddenly he's out of his chair, engulfing me in his embrace. I whisper and suddenly he's out of his chair, engulfing me in his embrace. Moments later, I hear him tell Tiner that we're leaving on an in investigation and that if anyone needs us we'd have our cells. I follow him to the elevator where he takes me in his arms and kisses me the way I've been wanting since that night in his apartment. For some reason, a movement outside my window catches my attention. Rabb and MacKenzie are getting into his SUV. I wonder what that's about. "Tiner," I call, "Where are the Commander and Colonel going?" "They said they had some work to do on an investigation, sir." "Thank you, Tiner." Investigation! Ha! The Commander and Colonel don't have any cases together at this time. Then I smile to myself. I caught something this morning when she was getting her coffee- the ring was gone. I laugh to myself. Hell, that's one investigation I'd love to be on! MONDAY MORNING JAG HQ I know I'm happier than I've been in a long time. Several people have told me this morning that I'm looking good. That's not why I'm happy though. I'm happy because for the past three mornings, Sarah MacKenzie has been waking up in my arms. We're both called to Admiral Chegwidden's office first thing. He briefs us on the case we'll be working on. Then he looks at us and says, "I trust the investigation went well, Friday?" I notice Mac blush. She is so beautiful. "Yes, sir." We both answer. "Very well then. You're dismissed." As we get to the door, the Admiral calls for me to stay behind. I shut the door and turn to him. "Commander," he starts and I know I'm busted. "Do me a favor and keep that particular investigation out of my office. I don't want to have to transfer either of you, but I will to keep peace." "Yes, sir," I answer, thanking the Lord that the Admiral is so understanding.