TITLE: "Never Got to Say Goodbye" AUTHORS: Anne R. and Pat Steiner SUMMARY: The year is 2007. What might have happened had Harm and Mac not been successful at trying 'back at the beginning' in 2002/03. CLASSIFICATION/RATING: J/S/R/A PG for language and mild violence. SPOILERS: In any of our work, any JAG episode may be referred to. FEEDBACK: If you're so moved, but never expected nor begged for. Addy is ssbpmn@aol.com. Please however, we request you respect the work, and the effort that goes into writing it. NOTE: All parts of this story and previous chapters, as well as much of our other works, are available at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AnniePatJAGstories The message archives are open to all registered Yahoo users-no subbing required. Please ignore any notice of adult content you may see-there is no R nor NC17 content there. Other archives containing our stories: http://thearchive.mine.nu:85/exlibris/ or http://www.netroenterprises.com/exlibrisjag or the Harm-Mac shipper archive at http://hmarchive.topcities.com/index2.html [sadly, not always up and running] or BTL- http://www.wtv-zone.com/trgarchive/btl/ http://destined.to/btlarchive - {BTL H/M Fanfiction archive.} "Never Got to Say Goodbye" Part 1--- Pearson's Funeral Home Falls Church, VA November, 2007 It was with a deep breath that Commander Harmon Rabb made his way up the steps of the funeral home. He'd dreaded this moment since he'd received word that Retired Admiral AJ Chegwidden had been found dead in his neighborhood, the victim of an apparent mugging. He'd always hated funerals and this was one he was going to dread. And not just because it was for the man who'd helped to turn him into the lawyer he now was. "Sir you made it" Bud said somberly as he made his way over to his old friend. "Good to see you. How are you?" "Hanging in there Bud" Harm said with a small smile. "How about yourself?" "Been better sir. I still can't believe this. He'd just retired sir. Things like this aren't supposed to happen." "No Bud as we both know they do" Harm sighed. It had been five years since Bud had stepped on the land mine, five years since his career in the military had been cut short and he'd been forced to leave JAG to work in private practice. Harriet had remained at JAG for a few years before resigning her commission as well. "Sir it's good to see you" Harriet said softly as she walked up to them. "How are you?" "Fine Harriet. Still reeling from all this." "I know. It's horrible. Just horrible. Whoever did this should have to stand in front of firing squad" Harriet sniffled, tears sliding down her cheeks. "He didn't deserve this." "No he didn't" Harm sighed, his gaze finally moving to the front of the room where the casket lay. He'd avoided looking that way, not wanting to see the man who'd been so alive at one time now lying there dead. "I'm sorry" Harriet sniffled as Bud handed her a kleenex. "I told myself I would hold it together better than this." "Honey it's okay" Bud said as he draped his arm over his wife. "He was a good man who made a big difference in our lives." "I should go up," Harm said softly and slowly gravitated towards the front of the room. He gave forced smiles as he passed others he knew before arriving at the casket. He'd been praying it would be a closed casket but unfortunately that hadn't been the case. He took a deep breath as he felt the little beads of sweat on his forehead as he looked down at the man who'd once been his mentor in the courtroom. He would do what he had to and then leave. The Admiral would understand if he didn't hang out for the entire calling hours. He uttered a silent prayer as he stood next to the casket before hurrying away. He needed to go outside. He needed to go home. Before she came. If she came. "Sir you okay?" Bud asked as Harm neared him. "I'm just going to get some fresh air outside" Harm said without stopping. Harriet gave Bud a curious glance and Bud followed his friend outside. "Sir" Bud said softly as he found Harm on the porch of the funeral home. "Sorry Bud" Harm said with a long sigh. "I just needed to get out of there. And I hope you'll understand if I don't stay." "Because you hate these things or because you're afraid of seeing her?" "Bud it's been five years" Harm sighed. "I'm not afraid of seeing Mac." "I can't believe you haven't made any attempt to contact her," Bud said quietly. "You know she still has to be working for JAG somewhere." "Well if I were still at JAG I'd find her," Harm said soberly. "But I'm not. And it's all in the past." "You still haven't gotten over it have you sir? Or her?" "Bud I'm going to get going" Harm sighed. "I'll see you tomorrow at Arlington." "At least say goodbye to Harriet. We don't see you that often now that you're at Annapolis." "All right. But then I'm leaving." Ten minutes later he finally managed to pull himself away from Harriet and turned to leave. He froze at once as he saw Mac walk into the funeral home. For a moment he thought about ducking out the side door but a second later their eyes met. Five years hadn't changed her or the feelings he had for her and he felt his heart pounding as she slowly walked towards him. "Hello Harm" she whispered. "Mac" he said softly. "I didn't expect to see you here." "I just got back from Naples. He was one of the first people I was going to go see." "Was I on that list?" Her breath caught in her throat. "Honestly I hadn't decided Harm. I mean so much as happened. So much." "Named Eric Sharp," he returned, trying to keep bitterness from his voice, "and then you disappeared." "I wouldn't call Naples disappearing. You didn't try to contact me." "Nor you me." "Isn't this pride and stubbornness what drove us apart in the first place?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ >>>>December 2002 "Sturgis, here's the Mellon file. And I give up. Who's the guy in with Mac?" Harm handed him a folder, fixing his gaze on her office, his mind going back six years before to another time he had asked a similar question. Dalton Lowne had been the answer that time. "He's the civilian counsel for Ensign Wyatt," he sighed. "Big gun from a big firm in Baltimore. Harm maybe you'd want to know they had lunch together." "Now why would anyone the Colonel has lunch with concern me," he snapped. "Especially given that I wasn't invited to be on the case." "Possibly because no one can find your desk now for the case files?" Sturgis offered teasingly before he realized how serious Harm was, seeing his friend's scowl deepening. "Harm?" Harm continued to stare into the office, feeling Dalton Lowne all over again and a cold shudder passed through him. "Harm are you OK?" Sturgis gave his arm a quick shake. "Just not liking what I'm seeing. Especially not liking what I'm thinking," he muttered and stalked to his office. "Then what in god's name are you waiting for," Sturgis mumbled, remembering a months ago conversation with Sarah Mackenzie. 'I'm in love with him.' Clear and plain. He sent daggers into Harm's back as he recalled. "Rabb you are such a fool." Five days later on a Monday noontime, Harm walked into the break room with his lunch, finding Mac and Tracy Manetti laughing over a shared Subway sandwich. "Is this girl talk or could a working man join you?" "Of course Commander," Tracy smiled. "The colonel and I were just talking about our dates for the weekend. She got the far better end of the deal." Mac blushed vividly and looked away. "Something you want to share with the group Mac?" he asked pointedly. "Oh excuse me, you already did." "Harm, chill. Eric and I went to dinner and then to a show at the Kennedy on Saturday night. It was a good time. And that has nothing to do with what we're laughing about here." "Which is?" he frowned. "I drove up to Baltimore yesterday and Eric kind of showed me off at a reception his firm was having. Normally I hate those things, but the people there were so funny. I swear you get a couple of stuff shirt lawyers after a couple of cups of champagne punch and they're all stand up comics." "And did you partake of this punch?" Mac's face showed her shock and surprise at once. "Harm you know better than that." "Yeah I guess I do." He accepted his chastisement gracefully as Sturgis joined them. "Why don't you tell us more about Mr. Sharp," Harm goaded. "Like what kind of home does he have and does his wife approve of him dating." "Mr. Sharp is divorced thank you," she responded. "His wife lives in Ohio with their two boys. Twins, eleven I think he said. And he has a condo on the Baltimore Harbor. The view is spectacular." "I'll bet," he muttered, ignoring Sturgis's warning glare.<<<< **************** Pearson's Funeral Home Falls Church, VA Present Time "Colonel" The sound of Harriet's wail pulled both of them from their reverie and Mac looked up to see Harriet coming towards her, her arms open wide. "Hi Harriet" Mac whispered as she gave the other woman a hug. "How are you?" "Still reeling" Harriet admitted. "I still can't believe this happened. And I'm so glad to see you but I wish it wasn't under these circumstances. Are you back in DC now?" "I just got reassigned back here to JAG HQ's" Mac explained. "I've only been in town a few days so I haven't had a chance to catch up with everyone." "If you'll excuse me I was just on my way out," Harm said quietly. "Sir you're not leaving already are you?" Harriet demanded. "Yes I am. I'll be here tomorrow for the funeral. Give little AJ a hug for me." "Harm don't leave" Mac said softly. "I just got here." "I know. But I really need to get out of here. I'm sorry." "Harm please" she whispered. "Don't leave. I'd really like for all of us to sit down and talk. It's been so long." "Maybe we could all go get coffee" Harriet offered. "The calling hours will be over in an hour. We can go to Starbucks and catch up." "That would be nice" Mac nodded. "Harm?" He wanted to say no. But one look into those brown eyes and he knew he'd lost. There was no way he could tell her no. "All right" he said quietly. "But I'll be outside for a while." With that he walked to the exit and Mac let out a long sigh. She had known this wouldn't be easy. She just hadn't expected it to be this hard. "It's so good to see you" Harriet said again as she looked at Mac. "You look well. Naples must have treated you well." "It was what I needed" Mac nodded. "But I am glad to be back here." "I bet it's going to be weird for you to go to JAG and see all those other people there now" Harriet sighed. "Yeah it is," she said softly. "You haven't talked to Harm since he left have you?" Harriet asked. "No I haven't" Mac said with a long sigh. "It was just one of those things. We just never seemed to connect. Course we didn't part on the best terms either." "It wasn't your fault." "Yes it was" Mac whispered. "Yes it was." ********************* >>>>JAG HQ's March, 2003 "And for the last matter of the morning, Commander Rabb will be leaving us this week. He's been reassigned to the JAG office in San Diego." "Why didn't you tell me?" Mac hissed as she followed Harm to his office after the meeting. "To be honest Mac, I figured it didn't really matter to you" he sighed. "You and Eric are pretty much involved so I didn't think my leaving would mean to much." "Harm that's not fair. You know I care." "Well now you know. And I'm sure you'll survive without me around." "Did you request this?" she demanded. "No I didn't. But the opportunity was presented to me as my option and it sounded like a good idea. I'll be closer to Mom and the weather is better there anyway." "Since when has the weather mattered to you?" "It doesn't. But it's not like I have a lot keeping me here." "I see" she nodded. "Well it sounds like you're happy about this then." "Mac you have to admit things haven't been real good between us the last month or so" he sighed. "So this is probably for the best." "Will you come back here one day?" she asked. "I don't know. We'll see how things work out." "Harm I don't. . ." she began and looked at him helplessly. "Don't worry about it. I'm just not able to give you what you need. I never have been. Now you've found someone that maybe can be. I should wish you well and go on about my duty. Except I tried to do that with you and Mic Brumby and it didn't work then either." "Harm Eric and I are just enjoying each other's company right now," she reminded him. "This finger is not wearing his ring, nor is this one. He's fun, knows some people who are fun to be around, has theater and concert tickets, and I'm just enjoying that's all. It doesn't mean I don't want you and I to. . ." "Are you enjoying his bed too?" "OK that was uncalled for," she said quietly when she had recovered from the shock of his question. "Uncalled for and out of line Commander." "I'll take that as a yes," he responded. "You take it anyway you want," she retorted, turning on her heel and storming out, barely avoiding a Turner- Mackenzie collision as Sturgis was passing by. "Move it," she hissed and hurried past.<<<<< ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ PRESENT DAY "Basically I walked out of his life that day Harriet," Mac sighed. "Except for business we didn't speak hardly at all, and he was gone two weeks later. It was then that I decided what the hell and Eric and I. . .well you know that story. I let him talk me into the big wedding and . . .again, you know that story." ================== "Harmon Rabb that is you right?" Harm swung around, surprised to see Sturgis coming down the sidewalk of the funeral home. "Yeah of course it's me," he gasped, his hand going out at once to his oldest friend. "Uh Sir that is." Captain Sturgis Turner shook his head as he shook Harm's hand. "It's Sturgis. I hear Captain and I'm looking around for anyone but me. I'm glad to see you. We haven't hardly stayed in touch, promises aside you know; but then you haven't stayed in touch with anyone to speak of. "No I haven't," Harm nodded. "After I left here, I didn't see much point I guess." "Starting from the day you found out your transfer was approved. I remember that day really well," Sturgis said with a rueful smile. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ >>>JAG HQ March, 2003 "Well today is a day much like any other day," Sturgis sighed as he walked into Harm's office. "I need a do not disturb sign for that door," Harm groused without looking up. "Are you here to nag me about the transfer too?" "No but I don't know why you didn't mention it to your friends ahead of time," he replied. "Hey it's the Navy. We move around remember. I haven't been out of DC in forever except for my disastrous flying career. And a change will be nice. I feel like I'm stagnating here." "Professionally or personally?" Sturgis's question was sharp and direct and Harm flushed pink at once. "Both," he mumbled. "And I know exactly what you're thinking and believe me I've spent hours and hours going over it. She and I can't seem to land on the same space in the game no matter what we do." "You want my opinion?" "Not really." "Too bad. Forget this transfer shit and go after her. Make her forget the dweeb she's seeing and want you." "That's it? That's your advice?" Harm glared and shook his head, not willing to even consider it. "Yes. What the hell's wrong with it?" "If she wanted me, she's known all along where to find me." "OK this conversation is over," Sturgis growled. "I'm not going to try to reason with someone who doesn't have the sense of an apple core. When you're ready to talk sense--about anything--I'm in my office. I need to talk about the offer for the Wolfson case anyway."<<<< ****************** Present Time November, 2007 "You're not on your way out are you?" Sturgis asked Harm. "No just getting some air" Harm sighed. "I agreed to go get coffee with Bud and Harriet and Mac afterwards." "So you know she's back then" Sturgis said slowly. "It doesn't change anything Sturgis. That part of my life is over. Like a lot of other things." "I won't go there with you now. But I hope you and I can sit down and talk at some point." "Captain Turner" Bud said with a small smile as he walked out onto the porch. "Good to see you sir." "You too Bud. How's that law firm treating you?" "Good. You know they're still asking about you. Whenever you want to give up the Navy and come into private practice they've got a spot for you." "One day maybe" Sturgis nodded. "Is Harriet inside?" "She's with Colonel Mackenzie." "Harm I'm going inside" Sturgis said as he looked at his friend. "Tell me you're not going to stay out here." "Sturgis you know how I am about these things" Harm sighed. "Come inside" Sturgis said quietly. "I'll pay my respects and then if you guys don't mind I'll join you for that coffee at Starbucks." "That would be great" Bud spoke up. "Good. Harm you coming with us?" With a long sigh Harm nodded and followed his two friends back into the funeral home. Mac looked up as they walked in, smiling at once when she saw Sturgis. "Guess I'm going to be working with you again Captain" she said softly. "Welcome back" Sturgis said as he gave Mac a hug. "And I'm going to enjoy that very much Colonel." "Me too" she smiled. "I just wish the circumstances were better." "I know" Sturgis nodded. "I was in shock when they told me what happened. People just shouldn't get mugged walking down their street in a neighborhood like his." "Is that the story?" Harm spoke up. "That it was a mugging?" "So far that's what the police told me" Sturgis replied. "I'm waiting to see what their full report shows." "You convinced them to let you see it?" Mac asked. "More like threatened. But they promised they'd let me know what they come up with." "I want to see it when you get it" Harm said quietly. "I want to know what happened." Sturgis nodded and moved forward to the casket to pay his respects while Harm made a beeline to the door again. "Harm wait" Mac called. He froze in place and slowly turned back towards her. "Mac don't do this. Whatever happened in the past is in the past. Just let it go. I'll be out of your life again in a few days anyway." "I don't necessarily want you out of my life" she said softly. "I came back to get my life in order." "I thought it was pretty much in order after I left" he retorted. "You had everything you needed." "You have no idea" she whispered. "No idea what happened after you left." "Yes I do" he snapped. "You married Sharp and had your ready made family." ****************** >>>June, 2003 "You look lovely ma'am" Harriet smiled as she helped Mac fix her dress. "Except for the frown on your face." "Sorry" Mac said with a forced smile. "You know you could have invited him if you wanted him to come. I'm sure he would have come back from San Diego for the wedding." "I didn't want to tempt fate again Harriet" Mac sighed. "Last time I did that he almost died. And this time I'm sure he wouldn't have come anyway." "I'm sorry you and the Commander had such a split," Harriet said softly. "I thought by now you might have been able to mend the fences a little." "It's over," Mac said quietly. "I'm marrying Eric and we're going to be a family. He's given me everything I ever wanted. I'm very lucky to have found someone like him." "Hey you ready" Sturgis asked as he knocked lightly on the door before walking in. "Your groom is ready." "We're ready" Mac smiled. On that June day, she was a valentine bride in a frosting gown and all things beautiful. And she entered into a marriage from hell. Eric Sharp was a demanding man whose life had no room for a wife who had loyalty to the Marines and her country. The arguments were long and bitter, culminating a year later in a divorce. The family Mac had envisioned had never materialized. As soon as the divorce was final, she fled the country, taking an assignment at JAG in Naples and slowly, once again, she began to rebuild her life. Only this time she did that alone. There was no Harmon Rabb there to help. The years passed and with her recent promotion to full Colonel came another assignment, back to JAG, now a major command unit. She would be the Executive Officer, third in command behind Sturgis, to the current Judge Advocate General. Harm remained in San Diego, experiencing a divorce of sorts himself---from D.C., from JAG HQ, and from memories of the woman he loved and could not hold. Life was tolerable in the warm climate of Southern California. He saw his mother and Frank frequently, entered into a few relationships--always making it clear there was no commitment, and time passed. Until that fateful day two years later when he and his partner were investigating drug activity at the NAS. The suspect whom he was pursuing pushed him from a catwalk in an old warehouse. The fall left him with an injured back and legs that would no longer run. Disqualified from investigative duty, he eschewed the retirement they offered. His distinguished career, in the air and in the courtroom, bought him an instructor position at the Naval Academy, and it was from there that he had come back to the DC area upon hearing of AJ's death. ============== PRESENT DAY "Like I said, you have no idea," she hissed, shaking her head. "Ready made family no. Ready made nightmare, oh yeah. In Technicolor and cinemascope." His eyes went to her left hand, seeing it bare and for a moment he was speechless. "You're not still Mrs. Sharp?" "Not since about the time we should have celebrated our first anniversary," she admitted. "Another man involved with me who died or wished he had. The Mackenzie Curse I've come to think of it as." "I'm. . .I'm sorry," he stammered. "I figured. . .I hoped. . .well at least that you were happy." "I tried. It wasn't meant to be. And right now just then is the most I've talked about that time in my life for a long time," she sighed. "In other words, it's a dead issue?" "Yeah. Totally. I ran. Fled the country. I was like another person there. Living another life. And now I'm back. I applied for this opening when I heard it was going to come up," she replied. "Decided I loved living in DC, loved serving at JAG HQ at one time and well. . .well I guess I wanted to see if I could go home again." "Maybe you can," he said quietly. "I just know I can't." He walked away and she stood there watching him. He was so different. Something had happened that had changed him. "Where did Harm go?" Sturgis asked as he returned from paying his respects. "Outside I guess" Mac said softly. "We're all still going out right?" he frowned. "He's not bailing on us is he?" "You should probably ask him. I'm not sure I'm the right person to talk to him." "I'm sorry. This isn't easy for you either is it." "You know in my mind I had this delusional thought that the first time Harm and I saw each other again it would be different" she whispered. "Like the last five years had never happened. But of course that was just a dream. He feels the same way about me now as he did when he left." "Yeah he still loves you." "You are on another planet Captain Turner" Mac said with a small smile. "The last thing Harm feels for me is love. He still resents me. Especially now for some reason." "You're going back to JAG" Sturgis said quietly. "Something he can't do." "Which is something I was going to ask you or Harriet. Why is he at Annapolis and not back at JAG?" "I think you should ask him about that" Sturgis replied. "But you know why don't you?" "Just ask him yourself. But not when everyone else is around." "Are you guys ready?" Harriet asked and she and Bud made their way over to Mac and Sturgis. "And don't tell me Harm left." "He should be outside" Mac sighed. "Unless I scared him off." "I don't think that's the case ma'am" Bud said gently. "He was just surprised to see you I guess. We all were. Well except for the Captain of course." "Come on" Harriet urged. "We'll find Harm and then hit Starbucks. Though right now I could use something stronger than a double latte." "We all could" Sturgis murmured as they headed out of the funeral home to find Harm. As predicted he was still on the porch, now sitting on one of the benches. He looked up when he saw his friends and pushed himself to his feet. "Thought you might have run out on us" Sturgis smiled. "Glad you hung out." "Well I can't stay long" Harm said quietly. They all drove separately to Starbucks and Harm and Mac were the first to arrive, the others getting stopped behind a traffic light. "I hope you don't mind that I'm here," Mac said softly as she walked to meet him. "If you'd rather I left, I will." "No, they're your friends too." "You haven't kept in touch with anyone since you came back have you?" she asked. "I see Bud and Harriet every once in a while" he said vaguely. "What about you? You never bothered keeping in touch after you left." "I was escaping. I didn't want to think about anything here." "Is that why you ignored my call when I tried to get in touch with you?" he asked. "You tried to get in touch with me?" she frowned. "When?" "When I needed the person who'd once been my best friend" he whispered. "When my world totally fell apart." ********************* >>>>NAS San Diego Base Hospital January, 2005 "How is he?" Trish Burnett demanded when the doctor finally approached her and Frank. "Your son is very lucky Mrs. Burnett" Doctor Ramone replied. "He's alive and to be honest in that regard he's beaten the first hurdle. But he's still in for a long recovery." "Is he going to be okay?" Trish asked. "Yes. I'm not saying he's ever going to be one hundred percent but he'll learn to deal with that over time." "What do you mean he won't be one hundred percent?" "I'm saying that damage to the spinal cord is a certainty," Dr. Ramone sighed, his voice tired but gentle. "Until the swelling diminishes we won't know to what extent." Trish was too shocked to speak and her eyes begged Frank for his intervention. Her husband cleared his throat. "Are you saying he could be paralyzed?" "That would be the worst case scenario yes sir. But I'm guessing that with rehab, and a strong will, he'll be able to maneuver, possibly eventually he won't even need a cane. Look, he survived the internal bleeding and the general trauma of the fall, then the surgery. He's a lucky man."<<<< ~~~~~~~~~~ PRESENT DAY "You nearly died?" Mac gasped, her hand to her mouth. "Yeah I did. And the next two years are a blur of just pain as I fought to get my legs back working, but finally I did. I went from a walker to a cane and then I finally threw that away. But that wasn't as bad as when I was relieved from JAG. I felt like it was all I had, and it was taken away from me. Just as flying was taken." "Harm I'm so sorry," she whispered tearfully. "But you stayed in the Navy?" "Yeah, they said I could finish my career at the Academy. I teach a course that I could recite in my sleep, but seeing the kids that come through there is worth it I guess. I have a small apartment in Annapolis, and that's my life." "Well I wouldn't make a novel out of mine. A what not to do book maybe," she groaned, "but what I want to hear about is you tried to call me?" "Yeah I did. I really hit bottom one day and I wanted to hear your voice. But all I got was your voice mail. I left you a message. Maybe you didn't get it." She looked puzzled for a few seconds and then realization dawned. "I remember. But I couldn't hardly understand you. My lawclerk was there when I was playing back my messages and there was one that I couldn't make out and I said to him 'that sounds like my old JAG partner'." "I just needed to talk to you real bad that day," he shrugged. "No big deal. I got through it." "No it must have been a big deal," she said softly. "It must have been if you were calling me after all that time, especially in that you thought I was still married." "I had called to say goodbye." "I'm sorry?" "It's really not important." "Harm this is me remember. It had to be important and I wasn't able to be there then and for that I'm sorry." "Did you try to call me back?" She drew a long breath. "Regretfully no. We were snowed under that day. I mentioned it sounded like you, said two seconds later, nah it couldn't possibly be, and I deleted the messages. Until you mentioned it just now it went totally out of my mind. Now tell me, what was so vital that you wanted to speak to me? I really do want to know." "OK but it seems silly now when I look back." "Hedging counselor." "I had just gotten the paperwork separating me from JAG, and it was a bad day anyway," he said quietly, wilting under her gaze. "My back and legs were killing me and I was too exhausted from the exercises to hardly move. Anyway to make a long story short, I had decided enough was enough. I hobbled into the den and sat at Frank's desk and called you and I was holding the gun he kept there for protection." "Still not following. . ." she frowned and a second later realization dawned. "Harm no. NO. Oh my god no. You're not serious." Her eyes were wide with fright and alarm and her hand squeezed his as hard as she could as tears quickly formed. "And then I waited for you to call me back, and later when I thought about it clearly, that's what saved my life because I was sitting there waiting and kind of dozed off and a couple hours later one of the household help found me and called Mom, who called the NAS and I was committed for seventy-two hours of mental observation. By then the urge had passed." The look of shock remained on her face as Sturgis pulled up and walked over to them. "Why didn't you two go in and get us a table?" he frowned. "We were just talking" Harm said quietly. "I'll go on in and see if there's one big enough for all of us." He wandered into the coffee shop and for several moments Mac didn't move or speak. "Colonel you still with us?" Sturgis asked. "He just told me what happened. You knew about all that?" "Depending upon what he told you yeah I knew about most of it. It was a damn shame too. JAG lost one of the best when he was forced out." "I had no idea" she whispered. "No idea he went through all that." "You had your own problems to deal with" Sturgis reminded her. "Isn't that why you went to Naples?" She nodded slowly. "Yes it was," she said finally. "But compared to what he went through it seems like nothing. He lost JAG. The one thing that mattered most to him." "No Mac he lost you. That was what mattered most to him." "Sturgis" she started. "Never mind. We'll talk later. Let's go inside and find Harm. Harriet and Bud should be here any moment." A short time later they were all gathered at the small table with their coffee. "So how was Naples?" Harriet asked as she looked at Mac. "Are you glad to be back?" "Naples was good," Mac said slowly. "It was what I needed at the time. But I'm really glad to be back here." "We're glad you're back" Harriet smiled. "Even if you and Sturgis are the only one's left at JAG." "How's the private world treating you?" Mac asked Bud. "Not too bad" Bud replied. "Course it's not the Navy. And the people aren't near as nice as they were at JAG." "You know Harm has been teaching at Annapolis don't you?" Harriet offered. "Yeah he told me," Mac said as she looked at Harm. He avoided her gaze and she inwardly sighed. "Who here thinks the Admiral's death was just a random killing?" Harm spoke up suddenly. "You think he was murdered for a reason?" Harriet gasped. "Harm I think it's a little early to start jumping to conclusions like that" Sturgis said slowly. "It is possible that is the case." "I don't buy it. It just doesn't fit. Not in the Admiral's area. And besides he wasn't the kind of person who would walk down the street oblivious to what was going on around him." "I'm with Harm" Mac said quietly. "Not to mention he could have fended off a mugger. Something isn't right there." "If the mugger had a gun he didn't have much choice. Maybe he tried to fend him off and that's what got him killed." "I think we should conduct our own investigation" Harm said finally. "We owe him that much. He was always there for all of us when we needed him. The least we could do is find out how he really died." "Harm there's an official police investigation going on" Sturgis reminded him. "So. We run our own investigation." "I'd be willing to help" Bud spoke up. "The Admiral didn't deserve this." "Sturgis you in with us?" Harm asked. "I'll do what I can" he nodded. "Good. Starting with me coming with you to talk to the detectives handling the case." "Me too" Mac added. "It's almost like old times," Harriet said softly. "All of us working together again." "Excuse me" Harm said as he suddenly pushed himself to his feet. "I have to go. I'll see you at the services tomorrow." "Why are you so jumpy?" Mac demanded, catching his arm. "You've been about to run ever since you got here. I can understand at the funeral home. I don't do those places good myself. I was totally discomforted in just the few minutes I was there, but here Harm you're among friends. We may not have been much in touch over these years, but I've never stopped. . .uh. . .never stopped being your friend. Harm you've always held a warm spot in my heart." Her eyes begged his understanding and at the same time she was thankful she had managed to bite back the words that almost rushed out--'I've never really actually stopped loving you'. "I'm sorry. Really I am," he said softly, disengaging his arm from her grasp. "But I am in--in for seeing what happened with the Admiral's death. Something is not right there. Good night all." His shoulders slumped as he left and Mac sank back into her chair. "I don't know him any more," she said quietly. "Maybe there's been too much time, too much life, passing. All I know is that I'm back in DC now, back at JAG, and unless the Marines order me elsewhere I expect to retire right here." "Here here," Sturgis smiled and lifted his coffee cup. Mac smiled slightly and sniffled. "And speaking of time passing, OK what became of people we knew? Singer? Gunny, Tiner?" Sturgis smiled softly. "Singer was found guilty of fraternization about three years ago and was allowed to resign. She left DC the next day and no one has heard from her. Kind of strange or ironic or something because it was just about the Admiral's last case before his retirement. Anyway, both Gunny and Lt. Tiner will be here for the service. Gunny is a Platoon Sergeant now at Lejuene and Mr. Tiner is the ship's JAG on the Reagan, plus he's on the Lieutenant Commander's list and I'm going to request he be appointed to JAG HQ." "Wow," Mac smiled. "Oh how about his daughter--the Admiral's I mean?" Sturgis looked startled. "You really have been out of touch. Francesca was killed in the crash of her corporate jet last year. Another ironic note, because it hit him hard, and he was really just recovering from that." "I'm sorry," she sighed. "And suddenly very tired. I think I'll call it a night." "Yeah we need to get home too," Harriet smiled. "I'm paying a sitter more than I made per hour as an ensign." ================= LORD OF LIFE CHURCH McLean, VA 10AM Following Day "No sign of Harm?" Bud asked, coming up beside Mac who was standing on the front steps watching for him. "They're about ready to begin." "He did say he'd be here," she sighed. "Traffic, running late maybe. Or maybe he couldn't bring himself to come." "Let me walk you in," Bud urged. She nodded and allowed Bud to escort her to a pew. The organ music had just begun when she felt a light hand on her shoulder. "This place taken?" "Harm." The word slipped out as a gasp of surprise and she at once slid over. "Please. No it's not. Join me." He sat down beside her and she glanced over at him. The same sad look that had been on his face the night was still in place and she felt a wave of sympathy for him. Despite how badly her own life had gone, she still had her career. He'd lost that along with so much more. The services began and the Navy Chaplain's words soon brought tears to her eyes. She hadn't allowed herself to think much about the man who'd been like a father to her since she'd returned. But now listening to the Chaplain talk about the life of Admiral AJ Chegwidden she felt the tears brimming and she sniffled them back. When it was over she finally looked over at Harm; surprised to see his eyes wet with unshed tears as well. "You okay?" she asked softly. "Yeah I'm fine. How about you?" "I didn't realize how hard this would be," she said quietly. "Course I really hadn't allowed myself to really think about what had happened." He nodded and they rose from their seats, following the others down the aisle and out of the church. As they passed the back of the church, Mac caught sight of another face she hadn't seen in years, Clayton Webb. He noticed her as well, his face smiling slightly at the sight of her. "Clay's here" she said to Harm once they were outside. "Did you see him?" "No I wasn't really paying attention," he admitted. "Well looks who's back" Clay said as he walked over to them. "Harm and Mac. I don't know when the last time I saw you two was." "It's been a while" Mac smiled softly. "How are you Clay?" "I'm all right. I hear you're back in town again. Back at JAG." "Word travels fast around here." "I make it my business to keep on top of things" Clay smiled. "Harm how are you? It's been a while." "I'm fine" Harm said quietly. "I didn't expect to see you here. I figured you be off in some part of the world." "I'm done with that now" Clay replied. "I thought AJ had told you that." "I uh hadn't talked to the Admiral in a while" Harm admitted. "I've been busy at Annapolis. You left the agency?" "Left the agency and started my own business. AJ was working on the side for me." "What kind of business?" Mac asked. "I'll explain on the way to the cemetery. You two want to ride with me?" "Why do I get the feeling you have something you want to tell us?" Harm frowned. "Something we're not going to like." "Just ride with me." "This better be good" Harm sighed. "Hey there you two are" Sturgis said as he and Harriet and Bud made their way over to them. "Mr. Webb. How are you?" "Captain" Clay nodded. "Bud, Harriet, always nice to see you." "You guys are coming to the cemetery right?" Sturgis asked. "Yeah we're going to ride with Clay" Harm replied. "He has something he wants to talk to us about." "All right. Well I guess we'll see you there." He led Bud and Harriet towards his car while Harm and Mac followed Clay to his. "So what kind of business did you start?" Mac asked once they were in the car. "Investigative services. AJ was doing work for me." "The Admiral was working for you?" Harm frowned. "Why do I find that hard to believe?" "Well he was. He was bored with retirement. I made him the offer and he jumped at it." "So he was working for you. I don't see what was so important that you needed to tell us right away." "Rabb you're getting slow in your old age." "Clay you don’t think the Admiral was killed because of what he was working for you do you?" "That's exactly what I'm saying" Clay sighed. "I don't understand," Mac protested. "You've opened some kind of agency--you're a P.I.?"? "Webb Investigations." "I don't believe it," Harm almost laughed. "You peep into motel rooms and gather evidence for divorce. How the mighty have fallen." "Cute Rabb. I simply found the Agency stifling after a while and wanted to get out on my own. And I do not peep thank you very little. I don't do sleazy divorce cases at all. We investigate industrial espionage, corporate spying and so forth. At least that's what our business license says." "Let me guess, what it doesn't say is that you're a hired gun for places with names like DIS, NSA and so forth," Harm ventured. "Sort of," Clay admitted. "And I want to talk to you about what AJ was working on. Both of you." Harm could not suppress a sidelong glance at Mac. She was staring out the window, seemingly not totally absorbing all of what Clay was saying, and he felt a wave of the old protectiveness wash over him. If whatever the Admiral had been helping Clay with had gotten him killed, Harm wanted no part of it for Mac. "Clay I don't know that we want to be sucked in to something," he said warily, at which point Mac turned back around. "On the other hand, we do want to find out who killed AJ. Find him and make him pay," she said forcefully. "So I for one would love to hear what you have to say Mr. Webb." So much for her not taking notice of the conversation Harm thought. "In fact, I'm going to guess you haven't disclosed this to anyone, to include the police?" she went on. "No that's right," Clay nodded. "They think he was simply a street crime victim, and who ever shot him made it look like that since his wallet and keys and car were taken. Better for all concerned that they think that. But me, I've made it my personal business to find out who, and to take them down." "Thank you," Harm breathed. "Count me in." "And me," Mac said at once. Harm sent her another look, promising himself he'd talk to her about the matter later. "What about your own people Clay?" Mac asked. "How much help can you count on?" "My partner I'd trust with my life," he smiled. "Chris is an amazing person. The rest of my staff are good people too. Except for the one who sold out. Who caused AJ's death. Who's going to regret the day he signed on with me soon as I find out who he--or she--is." "Is that what you think?" Harm asked sharply. "It's what I know. It's also what I can't prove, but I've got ways to find this stuff out. And right now everyone is a suspect. Well except Chris." "You seem pretty sure there," Mac observed. "So when do we meet this Chris?" "Very shortly," Clay nodded as the turned into the cemetery and followed the line of cars to the gravesite where he parked. He exited the car first and by the time Harm and Mac had joined him on the grass he was talking to a woman who could have doubled for Mac at a distance, same height and coloring, same short brown hair, though about five years younger. "Harmon Rabb, Sarah Mackenzie, this is Christina St. John, and you don't want to know how we met. It's a long story that I come off badly in." "I'm not surprised" Mac smiled. "Nice to meet you Christina." "Chris please" she smiled as well. "Mac then" Mac replied. "I'm sorry about AJ" Chris said soberly. "I understand both you and Harm had served under him for many years." "Yes we did" Mac nodded. "I just returned from Naples so I didn't realize he'd started working with you and Clay." "He was a great part of the team. We're all going to miss him." "Obviously someone isn't" Harm spoke up. "Yes and we're going to find out who that someone was" Chris said firmly. "I'm going to find out" Clay corrected. "I don't want you getting involved in this. Whoever did this isn't likely to sit back and do nothing once they find out we're not buying the cops' story." "You're not handling this on your own" she retorted. "He's not" Harm interrupted. "I'll be working with Clay on this. I want to find out who's behind this." "We're working on this with Clay" Mac corrected. "Do you get the feeling they're trying to keep us out of this?" Chris sighed as she looked at Mac. "Yes and I have no clue why." "Because this is likely to be dangerous" Clay groaned. "And I'm not speaking for Harm here but I happen to care a whole lot about one of you and enough about the other that I don't think either of you should get mixed up in this." "I think you need our help" Mac said quietly. "Can we save this for later" Harm sighed. "We're going to miss the services." They all nodded and together the four made their way forward to where the Chaplain was about to begin the graveside services. It wasn't until the Chaplain said the final words and asked them to come forward for a final goodbye that it all finally sunk in for Harm. He stood there watching as his friends slowly moved forward and placed the roses on the coffin, their hands resting for a moment. "Goodbye sir" Bud whispered. "We're going to miss you." It was when Harm saw Mac's face that he lost his own battle with the tears. Her face was wet with tears, tears she didn't bother to try and hold back. "You were always there for us" she whispered through the tears. "You were like the father none of us had." He quickly turned away, nearly running down Clay in the process as he hurried away from the gravesite. It made his way between the rows of headstones as fast as his legs and back would allow before finally reaching the sanctity of a wooded area. He leaned forward against a tree as the tears rolled down his face, short sobs shaking his body. The reality that the man who'd been a big part of his life was now gone had finally sunk in. And on top of dealing with his death, he was having to face Mac and all the emotions that went along with her. All the feelings he'd buried that day when he walked out of JAG five years ago. And now he wanted to run. Before she realized that in that five years he had never stopped loving her. "Harm." It was her voice and for a moment he didn't move. A second later her soft hand reached out to him, gently stroking his back. "Harm this isn't easy for any of us" she said softly. "He meant a lot to all of us." "Mac please just go" he whispered. "Tell Clay I'll be there in a few minutes. I just need to be alone for a minute." "From what I've heard you've been alone an awful lot recently." "Do you think that was my choice?" he snapped as he suddenly turned to face her. "I'm sorry" she whispered. "I'm so sorry. But you left too Harm. You left and you never kept in touch." "I left a woman who was planning a life with someone else," he reminded her, not bothering to keep the bitterness from his voice. "A huge mistake, equal only to the one I almost made with Mic Brumby," she returned. "Only this time there was no crash of a Tomcat to keep it from happening; nothing to stop me, nothing to remind me where I belonged. You were gone, and Eric was there and I was hurting. I didn't want to be alone any more. So kill me for that. And if he had been the man I thought he was, likely I would still be with him." Her own tears flowed, tears she did not bother to stop. "And you loved him." It was a statement, not a question. "Yeah OK at first yeah I did. At least I think that's what it was. And then it turned horrible and I thanked God I wasn't like some of the women in our circle who stayed with the guy because they had nothing. I still had me, and my career and yes I ran. I ran as far and as fast as I could, and for three years I was a different person. And now I'm back, and I'm going to pick up the pieces of the life I had fled and start over. I can do it alone, but I don't want to. I'd much rather have you a part of that life." That was as many words as she had breath for and she leaned her head against him weakly, panting slightly. "It's too late--at least I'm afraid it is," he whispered, nevertheless lifting his arm over her shoulder, offering her a comforting hug if she wanted. She did. She pressed herself against him, melding his body to hers. "Harm it's only too late if you make it so," she whispered, her words further muffled by his coat. "It's not too late if it's what you want. But you haven't said it is. For it to work it would have to take both of us wanting and working at it." She felt him nod, his cheek moving against the top of her head. "Where does that leave us Mac?" He mimicked her words from long ago. And she supplied the same answer she had then. "How about at the beginning?" =============== "Clay they're hurting real bad, as bad as you are. Even as much as I am, and I didn't really know him all that well. Only that he was a good and decent man," Chris whispered, her eyes alternating between Harm and Mac in the trees and the rest of the mourners who had reached their cars. "I know," he sniffled down the last of his emotion for the moment, drawing her in to a long hug. "Clay about before," she said, lifting her head so that she could see his face. "Well two things. About what you said about caring for me first." "What about it?" he smiled despite his distress. "You have to know I do." "Yeah but we're normally so careful about saying those things." "I know. But now and then it doesn't hurt to speak up about what we feel," he replied carefully, nodding up the gentle rise to the grave site. "No one is guaranteed tomorrow. We've been friends for a long time--two years now. Best friends. And before you remind me, I'm not forgetting about Scott." She blushed slightly, thinking of the man who wanted to marry her. Scott Gleason, handsome dashing Marine Major stationed at the Pentagon. The man whose ring she wore. They had been dating for a year, and he was pressing her, pressing her to leave the Webb Agency and marry him, coming with him to his next duty station in Okinawa. "Scott is not something we're going to discuss right now," she hissed, once again not wanting to acknowledge that her feelings for the Marine were growing less intense as her emotional involvement with Clay grew more so. "No not the time or place," Clay replied, hating the subject with a passion. It wasn't bad enough that the man was in her life, and in her bed, but now he wanted to take her away. "But there's that other matter, the matter of you trying to keep me out of the death investigation. Don't Clayton. Just don't. I'm your partner, and I cared a lot for AJ. And another don't while we're on the subject. Don't make this about me and Scott. That's a whole separate issue." ******************** "Do you really think we can start all over again?" Harm sighed. "Or has too much happened for us to ever do that." "Only if that's how you feel. Obviously we're not and never will be the same people we were back then. But that doesn't mean we still can't work this out. But that will only happen if we want it to." "Do you?" "I came back here because I was ready to put my life in order again" she responded. "And maybe part of that was wanting to see you, to see if there was anything still there. But I get the feeling I'm the last person you wanted to see." "Maybe. More like the person I was dreading to see. I didn't know you were divorced. I figured you and Eric would be happily married and having children by now and I didn't want to see that." "Why did you never let anyone into your life?" she whispered. "Why do you think?" he retorted. "Harm let's not play games here" she sighed. "Just tell me what you're thinking and feeling. Five years ago we did this and look where it landed us." "I'm not going to have this discussion with you right now. All that matters is finding out who killed the Admiral." "I agree. And we will." "Not we as in you and me. We as in Clay and me. You are staying out of this. Besides you'll be busy enough with JAG." Again the bitterness in his voice was evident and she let out a long sigh. "Is this why you hate me? Because I'm going back to JAG?" "We're done talking," he said as he turned and started back towards the gravesite where now only a few people remained. "No we're not" she murmured as she watched him. "Not by a long shot Mister." **************** Clay's Office 1 hour later "Chris would you mind getting us some coffee?" Clay asked as he sank down behind his large desk while Harm took a chair in front of it. "I think all of us could use some." "Sure" she said quietly. "Why don't I help you?" Mac offered. The ride back with Harm and had been done in silence and she just needed a moment away to compose herself. "Thanks. Clay do you need anything else?" "Just the file of what AJ was working on" he frowned as he looked around his desk. "I thought I left it here." "You did. I put it away. Second drawer on the right." "Thanks" he smiled as he opened the locked drawer and pulled out the file. "So what was the Admiral working on for you?" Harm asked once he and Clay were alone. "Before we dig into this I thought we could talk for a minute" Clay said as he looked over at his friend. "Clay if you're going to start in on what's going on with Mac and I forget it. That's not a subject I'm going to discuss with anyone, least of all you." "Harm how many times are you going to let her get away?" he sighed. "What's it going to take for you to get past that stubborn pride or whatever it is and admit you love her." "Okay if this is all you want to talk about I'm out of here" Harm snapped as he pushed his chair back and quickly stood up. "Sit" Clay ordered. "Dammit Harm you've shut everyone out of your life. Even AJ told me that when he came to work with me. He told me how he'd tried to keep in touch with you and you just blew him off." "This is none of your business Webb. Stay out of it. I'm here to find out who killed the Admiral. That's all. When I do everything will go back to the way it was. You'll have your little agency here, Mac will go back to JAG and I'll go back to Annapolis." "And you hate that don't you?" "Do you really thinking teaching is how I wanted to spend the rest of my career?" Harm demanded. "No. And quite truthfully I'm not sure how you've managed to do it for this long." "Oh it's been the best duty I've ever had," he retorted sarcastically. "I swear Clay I could be replaced by a trained chimp. On the other hand I do like seeing these kids come through. Sort of. They also sort of remind me of what I was. And what I lost--and I'm sorry to be feeling so sorry for myself. I'm pathetic." "Well don't wait for me to disagree," he smiled. "For right now are you in with me on finding AJ's killer?" "You bet I am." Harm's eyes lit up and he leaned forward intently in his chair. "I've got leave time out the wazoo and right now I'm using it until this is cleared up, and the resolution of which I envision as me with my hands around the bastard's throat." "I'll flip you for it. Meanwhile how do we. . ." Clay gestured through the window of his small office out to where Mac and Chris were making the coffee. "Keep them out of it? I have no clue," he replied. "You want to share how close you and Chris are?" "She's engaged. At least I guess she is. She wears his ring. Hot shot Marine from the Pentagon. Major Scott Gleason." "Whoa sounds like you're getting a taste of what my life has been like with Mac since forever," Harm said glumly. "It's not fun, and maybe, just maybe if this Gleason guy takes her away, you'll know a little of how I feel." "No. No goddammit I'm not going to let that happen." Clay slammed his fist on the table to emphasize his words. "Well I'd be glad to give you some advice in that area but it would have to be do as I say not as I've done stuff and why would you listen to me anyway." "Good point," Clay glowered. "Look she hasn't left yet. The jerk wants them to do a quickie wedding and fly off to Okinawa. And oh goodie speak of the devil." Clay's voice trailed off and when Harm looked out again, there was in fact a poster boy for 'handsome Marine officer' standing with his arm lightly over Chris's shoulders as she introduced him to Mac. Scott gave Mac a polite nod and led Chris away, bending over her, talking quietly, while Mac busied herself filling the coffee cups. "See what I mean," Clay whined. "Well the man looks like you've got about ten years on him," Harm smiled in sympathy, "plus the uniform does something for him I guess. What does Chris say?" "She says I should butt out." "And that might be good advice. Of course that same advice could cost you a life with her, speaking as one who's been there." "Tell me about it," he sighed. "Harm I'm in love with her and I'm not going to let Major Jarhead have her." "Better not let Mac hear you refer to a fellow Marine as that," Harm smiled. "And if you want this woman, go after her. Do as I say remember." Clay nodded soberly, jumping up to open the door for Mac. "Chris will be right in. Scott got a sudden TAD and came to say goodbye." "To Antarctica I hope," Clay growled and Mac smiled. "Not quite. Twenty Nine Palms." "Still it's across the country." Clay's face brightened considerably. They sipped their coffee until Chris returned and Clay at once read her look of distress. "Chris? You OK? Mac said Major Golden Boy is leaving." "Yeah for a week, maybe ten days," she sighed, twisting her ring. "And I've been informed he wants my quote final answer unquote when he gets back. Says he's tired of me keeping him waiting around, playing him like an accordion were his exact words." "Jerk," Clay spat. "Don't. Just don't," Chris ordered. "And that subject is closed. Let's talk finding a murderer." "Good idea" Mac spoke up. "So you're thinking someone working with you is responsible for this?" "I wish to God that wasn't the case but that's the feeling I'm getting" Clay sighed. "This wasn't a random mugging that I'm sure of, and I've suspected a leak for a good while." "Okay let's start with what the Admiral was working on" Mac nodded. "He was doing some work for me for DIS. It shouldn't have been a big deal. Trail a few suspicious people for them and see what they were up to." "Obviously he found someone up to something" Harm sighed. "Or he wouldn't be dead. We'll need the list of who he was investigating." "This is the list" Clay frowned as he pulled a piece of paper from the file. "But something isn't right." "What's not right?" Harm asked. "I could have sworn there were more names on this list than just these few. This can't be right. Chris take a look at this and tell me if I'm losing my mind or not." "You're not losing your mind" she frowned as well. "This isn't the copy of the list we gave to AJ." "Are any of the names the same?" Mac asked. "I don't remember who was on it" Chris sighed. "But I can tell you there were more than this. I'll have to see if we've got another copy around here. If not I can call DIS and have them send me over the list." "You've got a problem here Clay" Harm said quietly. "A big problem." "Why don't we take this discussion back to my place" Clay said after a moments thought. "I'll come back later and close up the office." "Better idea" Harm spoke up. "Why don't we meet later for dinner? I need to go pack some stuff back in Annapolis and then I'll be back for the duration. In the meantime maybe Chris can get the real list and then we can set up a game plan for how we're attacking this." "Good idea" Clay nodded. "My place at seven okay? Is that enough time for you Harm?" "Enough time to tell them they'll need to find someone to replace me for the next few weeks and pack a few things. Just give me the address and I'll be there. I'll get a hotel room later." "Harm I just moved back into a new apartment" Mac spoke up. "It's got two bedrooms and two baths. There's no reason for you to stay at a hotel." "Thanks but I don't think that would be a good idea right now," he said quietly. "Of course not" she said softly. "Harm why don't you stay with me then" Clay offered. "God knows I've got more room than I need at the townhouse. And we can work on the case that way at night." "Good idea" Harm nodded. "Mac I get the feeling they're trying to exclude us again" Chris said with a long glare in Clay's direction. "It's not going to work" Mac replied. "I have an appointment with my CO tomorrow. I'm going to ask for a little more leave so that I can be a part of this investigation as well. I am not going to be excluded from this." "Don't either of you realize how dangerous this could be?" Clay groaned. "Clay give it up" Chris sighed. "We're all in this together. Why don't you drop Harm and Mac back off at the church while I try and figure out what happened to that list." ****************** "I guess I'll see you later," Mac said quietly as she and Harm made their way to their cars once Clay had dropped them off. "I'm sorry if I came off a little harsh earlier" he sighed. "I just don't think us staying together is such a good idea." "I know. I keep forgetting things aren't the same. I may be back at JAG but nothing is like it was before." "And it never will be." "Can we ever fix it?" she whispered. "What we messed up I mean?" "We?" "Okay so fine it was me. I ruined it all. Just blame me for the fact that the last five years have been hell. I blame myself so why shouldn't you?" "Okay maybe that wasn't fair" he sighed. "I'm sorry. And this is exactly why this is such a bad idea." "Why what is such a bad idea? Us working together again?" "Yes. Don't you see that? It's not going to do either of us any good." Harm sent her a long glare. "Well it's not like we've got a relationship that's going to be wrecked like if we're not careful," she pointed out with maddening reasonability. "And let's not make this about us anyway. I want to find out who murdered a man who was important in my life. And that's what I'm going to do. Hopefully with your help." He stared long and hard, her words that they had no relationship had stung and stung bad. Not that he could deny the truth in them, except for the place she had always held in his heart. "All right. I already said I was in for the duration there. So what now--we're going to see Clay at 1900 right?" "Yeah," he confirmed. "You going back to your place?" "I guess. . ." she sighed, her voice trailing. "Mac?" "It's OK. I was just dreading going back there to rattle around all afternoon. Though it's not like I couldn't unpack more of my junk or shop for drapes or do any one of a dozen mundane things." "Well I don't feel like being alone myself," he smiled, understanding her at once. "How would you like to ride out to Annapolis. We could get some good clam chowder at this great place I know of in town." "How does that fall in line with your previous pronouncement that us being together is not a good idea?" "I was getting to that," he smiled sheepishly. "I was going to say that we need to have an agreement starting right now, going to the time we find the Admiral's murderer, that we don't bring up anything that happened before." "Before when?" "Before the here and now." "Harm I don't think we can ignore it. It's like that elephant that walks into the room." "No we can't ignore it," he agreed. "But we can table it. When we're both more clear headed we can vow that we'll hash it all out." "And then?" "And then see what if anything. . .I mean if there are pieces we can pick up." She nodded and held her hand out to him. "Agreed." END CH 1a