Title: My husband. Author: Kim Austin - harmkim@yahoo.com Rating: PG Spoilers: None. Disclaimers: I don't own JAG or any of the people in it. This is just for fun! Summary: Mac thinks about her husband. Companion piece to Musings. He sleeps after snuggling his head into my chest, as far as he can get without being under my skin. I know he loves it when I hold him like this. Harm loves being cuddled more than I imagined he would. I don't think anything makes him happier than being able to lay here in my arms, not even flying. I slowly run my hand over his cheek. I don't want to wake him up now he is finally sleeping but I do want to touch him none the less. I look closely at his face, the little line over his nose indicates he hasn't slept much at all tonight, the tear streaks on his cheeks show me he has been thinking, about what I don't know and I will ask later - But now he needs to sleep. Yesterday we became husband and wife, until death do us part and all, I don't know if it has sunk in yet, he is my husband, mine and only mine now and forever. I feel a smile creep over my face realizing what I am thinking. I never pictured myself as being possessive, but with Harm it's different. I have waited for so long to have him and now that I do he is MINE! I remember clearly the night he finally confessed his love for me. He showed up on my doorstep without notice with tears in his eyes asking to talk to me. I was worried seeing him like that, it's not often Harm cries. I let him in and asked him what he needed to talk about. His eyes shined with unshed tears as he fidgeted and finally told me he loved me. Once he started the words came tumbling out of him in a big mess and the look in his eyes when he finished will stay with me forever, he looked so desperate and sad. It took me a few seconds or maybe half a minute to figure out what he really said, but when it finally sunk in I remember first grabbing his hand, telling him I loved him too then putting my arms around his neck pulling myself as close to him as I could get - And that was when he let the tears start to flow, first silently but later he started to sob on my shoulder and I held him in my arms whispering in his ear that I loved him too. He cried for a long time and finally I decided it was enough, I slowly lifted his face from my shoulder and kissed him before he had a chance to say anything, he caught on quickly and we kissed like we had done it for years. I remember his taste so clearly, it seemed so right that he tasted just like that, sweet and somehow strong. I remember when his strong arms encircled me and he brought me into his lap and we kept kissing. Eventually we made it into my bed and he hasn't left since that night. He has been there for me every single time I needed him, he comforts me if I'm sad and he cheers me up. He pushes me if I give up and he loves me with a passion so strong it almost scares me sometimes. But I wouldn't want it any other way, I wouldn't want him to be any other way. I have always known Harm was a passionate person, but he is even more so when it comes to me. The passion he shows me when we're making love is so strong it makes me feel weak and sometimes even powerless, in his arms I have no need for being a marine I can let go of everything and give myself to him, because I am safe with him. I look at him again, he is still sound asleep snoring lightly, a sound I have grown to love. It reminds me of somewhere safe and warm with no worries, I gently touch his black hair and once more marvel at how very soft it is. To me it is sort of strange, a man a strong as Harm having hair so soft, almost like a baby. It's like his hair shows he has another side to his cocky, tail-on-fire image. He shifts and makes a little growling sound. I smile again not able to stop. I have found myself smiling a lot more since I have been with him, I have so many reasons to smile with him. Harm makes me want to smile all the time, for so many reasons. When he wakes up in the morning with messy hair and sleepy eyes I smile because he is so adorable. When he's angry and stomps his foot in anger I smile because he looks like a little boy, he hates it when I smile at him when he is mad, but I can't help it. Oh and when he kisses me I smile because I feel happier than I ever have or felt I had a right to. His kisses are both sweet and powerful at the same time, he puts so much of that Harmon Rabb passion into his kisses it makes me want to melt into his arms and be permanently attached to him. My mind drifts back to our first real argument, I don't remember what we argued about anymore but I remember being angry with him. I yelled at him and he yelled back, angry words were spoken and I ran out on him, feeling frustrated and hurt. When I returned to the apartment he was packing his bags, I asked him why and he looked at me with such sadness I forgot I was mad at him. He told me he was leaving because I didn't want him to stay. Normally I would have been furious at him for putting words into my mouth, but again the look in his eyed made me want nothing more than to hold him close to me. I took his hand and dragged him down next to me on the bed and slowly told him I didn't want him to leave, that I loved him and I was sorry for yelling at him, and he cried leaning into my embrace. I held him as I always do when he needs it, and I rocked him in my embrace letting him cry. That night I finally understood how very vulnerable and scared my Harm is sometimes. He has experienced so much loss in his life he automatically assumes there will be more. That night I finally understood how much he needs someone to not only love him but to teach him that life is more than pain and loss. I hope I have done that, at least to a degree. In my mind no one deserves to be happy more than my Harm, he has helped so many people in his life he deserves some help to - Help I gladly provide because I love him. He shifts again, my Harm isn't quiet even in his sleep, he shifts and turns and mumbles a lot and I love it. He is now laying flat on his back and I stare at his chest as it rises and falls with every steady breath he takes. I gently crawl closer to him and rest my head on his outstretched arm, as if he knows I need him he pulls me close and mumbles something I can't make out, then his breath returns to sleepmode again. Before we started out I always figured I wouldn't ever find real love, that I would have to settle for less. But with Harm I have found everything I have ever wanted in a man. Harm is everything I have ever wanted. He is so strong that I sometimes forget he is only human. He is so sweet and charming I sometimes pinch myself to make sure he is really with me. He is so beautiful in every way it makes me want to laugh and cry all at the same time. The emotion and trust Harm has shown me in the last year has healed more wounds than anything else ever could. Harm has shown me that I am capable of loving and that someone is willing to love me in return. Harm has shown me that I am worth more than I ever thought and he makes me feel so wanted and precious that I sometimes feel overwhelmed by his love. But I wouldn't want it any other way. Yesterday when I said "I do" I meant it from the heart. I know what I am getting into and I know this will be forever. I said I do to Harm's irresistible smile, to his cocky attitude, to his sweet voice but also to his moods, his temper and all his baggage - and he has just as much as I do. But not only did I say I do, Harm did too. And that is what makes me happiest of all, because I know he meant it from the heart too. Yesterday when he looked into my eyes and said those two little words he knew what he was saying I do to. Harm knows I have built walls so high most people are unable to climb them, but he can. Harm knows I am vulnerable to broken promises and hurt and even though he knows he won't always be able to not hurt me he still said I do. Harm knows I feel inadequate, he knows I am scared of loving too much, he knows I hurt over things that happened years and years ago and he still promised me he would be with me for the rest of our lives and right now that brings tears to my eyes. Three nights ago when a serious case of the wedding jitters hit me and I doubted not only his love for me but my love for him Harm didn't get mad or hurt. He didn't place blame or shout. He pulled me into his arms and told me he loved me and that he needed me in his life. Those little words from his calmed all my nerves and from that moment I knew that this was the best decision I have made my whole life. There can be no harm in marrying Harm. I take my mind from my thoughts and look at my sleeping husband. "I love you Harm." I whisper into his ear, I don't know if he can hear me but I still tell him. As I lay here next to my cocky, flyboy, lawyer husband I smile again feeling lucky and blessed. Lucky because he is mine and blessed because there is no one I would rather be with. Harm is perfect for me and I will cherish every day I have with him. THE END!