Musings
Author: Liza 
Rating: PG
Spoilers: A tiny one from 'A Tangled Webb'
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters I have
taken the time to write about. This is purely for my
adolescent entertainment and maybe for the
entertainment of those who care to read this story.
All of the characters belong to Paramount and that
Bellisarius guy. No copyright infringement intended.
Summary: Mac muses on the not-so-intelligent decision
she made and faces the not-so-pleasant aftermath of
her idiocy
Authors note: This is my first lame attempt at a fan
fiction. If you like it just holla back at:
Broadwaysstar@aol.com

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I can't stop replaying that moment in my head. I hate
myself for giving it so much thought but I can't help
it.  Come on, focus. I can hear the Admiral's voice go
on in an inaudible drone. I breathe heavily, maybe
more heavily than I should have because it captures
the attention of the entire table. I feel my eyes go
wide and the dialogue go silent as all eyes are on me.
I look towards the Admiral's direction and I find him
staring intently at me.

"Something the matter Colonel?" he asks with the
slightest bit of agitation in his voice. I gape at him
as my mouth opens and closes a couple of times. I
swallow hard.

"No, sir" The words barley make it out of my mouth and
I do not have the courage to look around at my
colleagues, which I am sure are still looking at me.
So I  decide to look down and study my folded hands in
contrast to the dark stain of the wooden table. I hear
him say something like 'Moving on…' but I am
engrossed in too much embarrassment to make it out his
exact terminology. I close my eyes until I feel the
wave of humiliation wash over me. And as soon as it
does, I see it again: the memory that has been
haunting my days and nights. The memory that I cannot
seem to get out of my head, as it if were tattooed
into my brain or something. I can see it perfectly. I
can still see his face with that disappointment and
hurt in his look. I open my eyes suddenly and try to
block the thought out of my head.

I am still looking at my hands but in the corner of my
eye, I can see him. I can see him take a glimpse at
me. I feel him poke my ribs with his elbow and I
instantly look up.

"Colonel?" I can now see that I have been the object
of the entire staff's attention for some time now and
decide to speak.

"Yes, sir?" I say with a trace of hesitation. The
Admiral looks at me, his nostrils flared, his eyes
unblinking and I feel myself slumping in my seat. He
presses his lips together and looks like he is about
to tear my head off of my shoulders and hand it to me
on a platter. I prepare myself for the worst. But to
my surprise he speaks softly yet somehow manages to
maintain the disturbance clear in his voice.

"Colonel, you and Commander Rabb will be heading out
to Boston in approximately 3 hours to conduct an
investigation. But since you seem too absorbed in your
Alice In Wonderland world to pay attention to the
finer details of your assignment, you will have to
collect that information from Commander Rabb." Times
like this are when I wish I carried my gun with me,
where I could just pull it out and shoot myself in the
mouth with it. 

"And now that you have wasted the time of the entire
staff and myself, you're dismissed." I swallow hard
yet again and stand along with everyone else as I join
a uniformed chant of 'Aye aye sirs'. 

I make my way quickly into my office and sink down in
my chair with a groan of frustration. I look out the
open blinds and I see the tall figure that has been
the source of my stupidity for the past month and a
half, walk towards his office casually looking towards
mine. God, how I hate that man. I mean what gives him
the right to invade my every thought and dream, to
disrupt my life and make me want him more each time he
smiles at me? If only he knew how he makes my insides
turn when he walks in the room or how I see him
everywhere and how I picture his face when I'm kissing
Webb. I close my eyes and breathe in deeply. I don't
notice that he is leaned against my doorpost. I open
my eyes and he smiles. Damn him.

"You OK, Marine?" he walks towards me.

Please, God. 

I don't answer but just stare at his perfect
complexion, his beautiful eyes, his gorgeous mouth-
STOP! Get a grip, Mac! 

I can see that he is now kneeling next to me.

Oh, dear Jesus.

He turns my chair to face him and as he does, brushes
against the side of my thigh. And with that simple,
non-existant touch, I feel my heart rise into throat. 

"Mac?"
"Mmmm?" I can't speak, words are unknown to me at the
moment. He has no idea what he has stirred up in me.

"Mac, are you alright?" he asks as he puts his hand on
my knee causing me to jump.

"What?!?" I yell in disorientation, he is taken aback
by my sudden outburst and asks gently:

"Are you OK?" He makes sure to pronounce every word
impeccably, as if he were speaking to a 5 year-old. I
look at him like he has grown a second head. He takes
it as a sign of my lack of understanding and starts to
repeat it again.

"Are you-" I nod violently. 
"Mmhmm, yeah, yeah, um… fine, I'm… fine" I say way
too eagerly than I intended. He gives me a confused
look and just nods.

"OK, well um-I'm heading home to pack, we'll be gone
for at least a week. I can pick you up at your place
say at 1200?" he asks as he stands up from his
squatting position and uses the corner of my desk for
leverage. 

"K" 

Is that all you can say, Mackenzie? K? Like an idiot
schoolgirl! 'K'? Oh, yeah. Quite the lawyer. 

"K?" I mouth to myself in sudden mortification. I look
down at my knees and back up again I see him stop and
say:

"Alright, see you then, I'll give you the details on
the plane." He smiles and I am sure I am going to melt
in my seat. This is going to be the death of me, I can
feel it.