Author: Kim Austin - harmkim@yahoo.com
Title: Musings.
Spoilers: None really.
Classification: Vignette
Summary: Harm's thoughts on his wedding night!
Rating: PG.
Disclaimers: Harm and Mac belong to CBS and Donald
Bellisario.





She is asleep now. Her chest rises and falls with
every breath she takes. Slow, deep even breaths that
have a calming effect on me. She gives me peace in so
many ways and listening to her sleep in one of them. 
She fits into my body like she was made for me. No
other woman has ever fitted that well against me and I
have wondered more than once who made us fit so well. 
She shifts just a little in her sleep and covers my
hand with hers. I can tell she is still sleeping. A
year of sleeping next to her has made me understand
her sounds and moves. I tighten my hold on he just a
little. She once told me that she feels me do that
sometimes even though she is asleep and that it makes
her feel safe. So every time she is asleep and I'm not
I make sure to tighten my hold on her just a little,
sometimes - Just to make her feel safe.
I would do anything in the world to make her feel
safe. I would walk through fire for her, kill for her.

She shifts again this time a little more and a look at
her more intensely to see if she is having a bad dream
or something. But her face is relaxed and she is so
beautiful my heart skips a beat or two just from
looking at her. 
Yesterday she became my wife. She told me she would be
with me through better or worse until death do us part
- I haven't got words or even thoughts to describe how
happy it makes me to know she now carries the Rabb
name. 
Yesterday was exactly one year after we first told
each other how we felt. I still remember that evening
clearly. I remember knocking on her door with
trembling hands, I remember the look on her face as
she saw me there wet from the rain with tears in my
eyes. I don't know why I decided to tell her that
exact night, I guess everything just became too much
and I needed her. She told me to come in and she got
me a towel and a fresh change of clothes, Mic's old
sweats. And as I sat there on her couch shaking from
the cold I finally told her.
I remember the look on her face as I said the words to
her. The shocked expression at first, then happiness
right after.  I remember the tears in her eyes and the
way her hand felt as it closed around mine. She sat
next to me on the couch, our hands joined and she told
me she loved me too - And I cried. I finally let go of
all the hurt, pain and frustration and I cried as she
wrapped her arms around me and comforted me like only
a woman who loves you can. To this day I still have no
clear picture of how long I cried or when she kissed
me. But I remember clearly the way her hot lips felt
against mine as she kissed away all my trouble and
made me hers. 
I have never said this to any of my friends and
neither has she. But I did not sweep her of her feet
in any way. She let me into her arms and her life when
I needed her, demanding only one thing. That I let her
into mine. I did and I have. There are not many things
I haven't told my wife. She knows about all my past
mistakes and victories. She has seen me at my most
charming, my most stubborn, my most happy but also at
my worst. She has seen me cry more than once, she has
heard me shout and curse and be unreasonable and she
is still here next to me every night and I listen to
her sleep.
She shifts again this time turning in my embrace so
she faces me in her sleep. I gently tuck a stray piece
of hair behind her ear and kiss her forehead. She
makes one of her little sleep sounds and snuggles her
head further into my chest.
"I love you." I whisper very quietly. Sometimes I need
to tell her even though I know she can't hear me.
The last year hasn't been all fun and games. We have
been through our share of disagreements and arguments.
Mostly because I still have a very hard time telling
her about my emotions. Especially when I am hurt. When
I was younger and still had my father I remember
thinking that once you found your one true love you
would never have to be sad again. Call it a child's
innocence, but I know that isn't entirely true. I am
still sad sometimes and I know she is. But she is
still there for me and I always have someone to help
me get through life when it's hard. I guess that is
what true love really is, never having to do anything
alone.
My thoughts drift to the day before when she finally
became my wife. She was gorgeous in her wedding gown
and took my breath away as she has done for many
years. As she walked down the aisle towards me I knew
of no pain or worry. It is the only time I can
remember not having any hurtful thoughts at all. I
trembled as I reached for her hands and she smiled to
me. 
The wedding was beautiful but I'm glad mom took
pictures because I truly don't remember much of
anything. I only remember my wife next to me, in my
arms dancing, kissing me, telling me of her love for
me. 
I can feel a sly grin spread on my face as I think
back only a few hours when I was in her arms making
love to her with all the passion and love I feel for
her. Sex is great with her, better than it ever has
been with any other. We fit perfectly in that area as
well. She cried out my name after her fourth orgasm
and I felt tears in my eyes. She was instantly worried
and I couldn't express in words what I felt. I know
she is still worried even in her sleep. She worries
too much about me sometimes but I can't make her stop
- I guess it's because she loves me so much.
It's close to dawn now and I know she will be waking
up soon, probably scolding me for not getting any
sleep. But sleep seems so unimportant when your wife
is here next to you looking like a goddess.
I close my eyes and she is there in her wedding gown
smiling to me from her position in Frank's arms and
once more I feel tears come to my eyes. I don't care
right now. I am so happy and I guess that is the way
I'm getting it out now. But I'd better stop before she
wakes up or there will be trouble. She will demand an
explanation I don't have and I don't want us to argue
on our honeymoon. So I dry my eyes of in the back of
my hand.
"Sweetie what is it?" She asks me. I am a bit startled
thinking she was sleeping. I look down and find her
deep brown eyes looking at me with concern.
"I love you." I say to her and feel another tear slide
down my cheek. She raises her hand and dries it of
with two fingers.
"I know you do. I love you too Harm." She said so
softly it makes me want to cry more. Normally I am not
a sentimental person, but right now I need to cry and
I'm not ashamed.
She crawls up so her face is right next to mine. Both
her hands rest on my cheeks and she looks deeply into
my eyes, so deep I swear she can see my soul. I just
look at her and feel that warmth she gives surround me
as she pulls my head against her chest and her arms
wrap around my body. She understands and I am
grateful.
"Sleep Harm." She whispers and suddenly I am very
tired. I close my eyes and feel her kiss the top of my
head. 
It doesn't take me more than a minute to be very close
to sleeping. I whisper to her that I love her one last
time before drifting of.

The end!