Title: "Mistakes"
Author: Christine Farkas
e-mail: fakur@gmx.de
Rating: PG, partly R for violence!
Classification: S,R,A
Spoilers: nothing after Adrift I happened
Summary: Harm/Mac; Mac and Mic got married but
something seems to be wrong. 
Authors notes: Warning! Mic bashing! If you're really
fond of the
Australian, you better delete now. English is not my
first language so forgive me for
any spelling or grammar mistakes. Thanks to Pat...for
beta-reading and for
being my friend! ;-)

Feedback is highly appreciated. As long as you have
something constructive
to say, feel free to do that, but I will ignore
flaming, so don't bother.




Harm entered the bullpen after he'd been out on an
assignment for a couple
of weeks. Actually, it had been good to be away for a
little while, watching
her carrying another man’s name had gotten worse for
every single day it
lasted. And it had been almost to the day three years
now.

He'd been too damn stupid to get his foot out of his
mouth and tell her the
truth when the time was right, and suddenly she'd
showed up wearing another
man’s ring. 

Sometimes he'd wanted nothing more than to request
reassignment to another
JAG office. He'd even played with the thought of
resigning his commision for
good, but he'd somehow never found the strength to do
just that. She may be
off limits to him for a relationship going further
than being friends, but he
was determined to keep at least that. Their
friendship. At this point in his
life, it meant everything to him. His heart was taken
and his love would never
be fulfilled, but he could at least still have her in
his life though it was
paining him more than he'd ever been able to imagine.

This morning her office door was closed and the blinds
were drawn, but he
was sure she was in. He'd seen her car in the parking
lot. 

They'd somehow lost their rhythm during the past year
and as much as he was
trying to get it back, it wouldn't come easily. Mac
seemed stressed and
whenever he tried to get her to talk to him about it,
she would tell him that it
was none of his business. He felt like he was about to
lose everything that
he'd left of her.

Harm made his way over to her door and knocked.

"What do you want, Harm?" she yelled without giving
him permission to enter,
but he did so anyway.

"Just saying hello to my partner," he grinned at her,
but the smile left his
face when her only reaction was a blank glare. He
could have dealt with just
about anything, but not with indifference and that was
all he could read on
her face. "I'm sorry Colonel, I thought it appropriate
to wish my friend a
good morning but appearantly she's not in yet" he
snapped and left.

Mac sighed and dropped her head into her hands. Things
were going all wrong
and there seemed nothing she could do about it. She
hadn't meant to hurt
Harm, but the fact was that she'd simply reached a
point where everything was
getting too much to handle and she reacted the way
she'd always done. She
withdrew from her friends and mostly from her husband.
She'd never trusted Mic as
much as Harm anyway and it had decreased rapidly
during the years of their
marriage, especially the last one.

Harm closed himself into his own office and asked not
to be disturbed for
the remainder of the day.


JAG HQ
One week later

Vice Admiral Chegwidden had watched his two senior
attorneys for a week now.
It was that time again. Occasionally they would have a
huge bump in their
relationship. Usually those times where marked by a
lot of yelling at each
other and keeping the whole bullpen at its toes with
the "Tell the Captain. .
.Tell the Colonel. . ." game when they weren't talking
to each other. But this
time it was different. Scaringly different. Neither of
them had left their
offices other than for court or coffee for a whole
week now, and it had been
strained long before that.

He had to take action, this was not acceptable.

"Andrews, call Rabb and Mackenzie to see me ASAP" he
summoned his new
yeoman. He wasn't even half as good as Tiner, but
unfortunately, his former yeoman
had decided to become a lawyer, and a successful one
at that.

A few minutes later they snapped to attention in front
of his desk.

"Have a seat you two. I have a case that requires my
best lawyers, you'll
leave for Florida in two hours," he told them.

"What kind of case is it that it requires both of us?"
Harm asked, carefully
overplaying his feelings about this assignment. He
wasn't sure if being
alone with Mac for an unknown length of time would
turn out to be good or rather
the final blow to their more than fragile friendship.

"A Petty Officer is accused of murdering a prostitute.
He's the son of an
Army General, that's what makes it necessary to have
you two there. His father
was already not fond of his son joining the Navy and
now he blames it on us
that he took a wrong turn somewhere along the line.
And of course there's
still the possibility that he's innocent. Dismissed"

"Aye, Sir," they answered simultaneously and left,
neither saying a word to
the other.


On a plane bound to Florida
Three hours later


They sat in uncomfortable silence; the tension
thickening the air in the
small space inside the plane, when Mac decided to make
an attempt to rescue what
was left of 'them'.

"Look, Harm. I'm sorry I snapped at you on Monday. I
was just really not up
for anybody’s company. There actually was a reason for
my office to be closed
the way it was"

"Apology accepted. And let me say I'm sorry I just
walked in. You know,
there used to be a time when I could do that. I guess
I wasn't thinking" 

"Can we try to be at least civil around each other? At
least for the time of
that investigation?"

"Sure, not a problem for me"

Mac bit back a comment at that, not wanting to violate
their new agreement
and they remained silent for the rest of the flight.


The whole case seemed to be a joke. Their client was
guilty as hell and
every law student could have handled the case with his
hands tied behind his
back. There was no way the PO was going to get out of
the mess he'd gotten
himself in.

They'd both come to the agreement to go to sleep
early. The tension between
them had remained ever present and they'd sticked to
professional topics when
they talked at all. Harm noticed that Mac seemed to be
not well, she was
pale and looked ill but he hadn't said a word, afraid
that she would reject him.
He wasn't sure if he could handle it any longer, it
hurt so much.

They hadn't shared dinner, and he'd just grabbed a
salad and went to bed.

Mac was at least as miserable as her partner about the
current situation,
but felt unable to change it. It was better this way.
Harm didn't need to be
drawn deeper into the basketcase she called her life.

Next day they briefed their client about his chances
if they were to
actually try his case and he accepted to plead guilty
and accept whatever justice
held for him. 

Harm and Mac were both heading out of the BOQ to go to
the airport for their
flight back when Mac’s heel broke. She stumbled and
Harm, who'd been walking
beside her, instinctively grabbed for her to keep her
from falling. But she
winced in pain when his arm went around her. He was
surprised but continued
to hold her until she was steady again.

Only then he released her from his grasp, eyeing her
full of concern "What's
wrong, Mac? I'm sorry, I didn't expect I would hurt
you, I just. . ."

"It's ok, forget it. Not your fault" she tried to cut
him short but wasn't
very successful.

"Talk to me, what's wrong?"

"Nothing, really"

"If it is nothing, why exactly did I hurt you when I
grabbed you? I wasn't
holding that tight." Harm continued to fret. Despite
their bad relationship
right now, he still cared very deeply for her and
seeing her in pain made him
hurt inside.

"I bruised a few ribs, I guess," she admitted, seeing
that she would not get
rid of him "But it's really nothing."

"And when exactly did that happen?"

"Captain, if we don't get going, we'll miss our plane
and frankly, I don't
want to spend more time here than necessary"

"Yeah, of course. Mic is waiting for you," he spat out
and turned away what
prevented that he saw the pained statement crossing
her face, when he
mentioned her husband’s name. Sarah sighed and quickly
changed into her other shoes
before she followed him.


Things were strained for another two weeks. They
weren't talking to each
other unless it was unavoidable and their friends had
already made several
attempts to bring them back to at least sharing a
conversation. So far in vain.

Harriets newest plan was inviting them for a barbecue
at their house. She
didn't tell either of them that the other one was
coming, hoping that this way
they wouldn't try and find excuses.

Mac and Mic were the first to arrive. He was leading
her on her arm, his
grasp on her just a little bit too tight. They seemed
tense around each other
and Harriet picked up on that right away but decided
that they'd simply had an
arguement. 

Harm was 20 minutes late - as usual. When he arrived,
both, he and Mac,
stared at each other for a long while before Mic
dragged his wife away, showing
her AJs paintings she'd already seen about a hundred
times.

Harm sighed, wondering what was going on between the
two of them. But it was
none of his business and quite frankly, he'd rather
not think about what the
Brumbys did in their free time.

Barbecue was strained, the only safe topic seemed to
be little AJ. Mac and
Mic left as soon as possible and Harm didn't stay much
longer.


A couple of days later Harm scooted through the
bullpen, a client and a
civilian attorney in tow.

"Harriet, have you seen Colonel Mackenzie? We're
having a meeting now."

"Sorry, Sir. She disappeared a while ago, didn't tell
me where she was
heading"

"Great!" Harm muttered under his breath. So far, Mac
had managed to let her
personal problems, whatever they were, not interfere
with her job, but
obviously it affected her work now.

He sighed, deciding to have the meeting without her
rather then searching
for her all over the place. Surely, she was out for a
late lunch with Mic.

He lead his client and the opposing counsel towards
one of the conference
rooms, opening the door and reaching for the light
switch. Who the hell had
drawn the blinds, it was pitch black in here?

When he'd finally localized the switch and turned the
lights on, he first
heard a low moan and then spotted his partner lying on
a couch in a corner of
the room. He quickly told the two people to wait a
second, closed the door and
turned towards her. 

"Mac, for godssake. What are you doing here? What's
wrong?"

"Nothing" she responded, already pulling herself up
into a sitting position.
She was forced to close her eyes for a moment, when
the world started
spinning around her.

Harm’s radar was signaling him, that she was
everything but fine and he
closed the space between them in a few easy strides,
reaching for her arm and
squeezing it gently.

Her wincing in pain did not escape him but he was even
more shocked by her
appearance. "You look like hell!"

"Why, thank you, Captain. You're still your charming
self"

"Don't get cute on me, Marine" Mac flinched inwardly.
He hadn't called her
that in a while. "What's wrong?" he repeated his
earlier question.

"It's nothing, really. I was just nursing a headache."

"Having a headache is not fine, you shouldn't be here
when you're not well.
I'll take you home"

"NO!" she cried out, realizing right away, how that
must have sounded and
added quickly: "No, I'm fine. No need to go home."

"If you don't want me to take you, than at least go
yourself, although I
hate the thought of you driving in this condition."

"I didn't think you cared."

"Of course I do, and now get going."

"No, it's not you driving me home that's not sitting
well with me. I just
can't go. We have a meeting scheduled for now and
there's a huge pile of
paperwork waiting on my desk. Besides, I'm really
fine. Nothing but a headache."

"I disagree wholeheartedly, but I guess I won’t change
your mind" he sighed
and got up.

"No, you won’t"

"In that case, I'll get our client and the opposing
counsel." He turned
around and walked back to the door.

"Harm!" she called out after him, causing him to turn
around and look at her
expectantly. "Thanks for caring."

"You're welcome. I still consider you my friend, Mac"

She didn't answer that, but he saw what was a trace of
hope crossing her
face, the first one in an awfully long time. Sadly,
they couldn't pick up on
that ray of light in their relationship and soon
enough they were back to no
talking.


Another week later, Harriet went to the head at JAG,
when she heard what
sounded clearly like somebody was losing her
breakfast.
"Colonel, is that you?" she called out softly but
didn't receive an answer.
She remembered having seen Mac going in here, but that
happened already a
while ago.

Deciding that the circumstances demanded actions she
carefully opened the
stall the noises were coming out of and sure enough
Mac was emptying her
stomach into the toilet.

Harriet turned around wordlessly and wettened her
napkin. She went back over
to Mac and pressed the wet cloth to her neck, stroking
up and down her back
at the same time.  When Mac was finally finished, she
just leaned back weakly
and closed her eyes for a brief moment. 

"Thanks, Harriet," she said after a while, giving the
younger woman a small
smile.

"Maybe you should go home, Ma'am. I'm sure the Admiral
would understand."

"No, it's fine. It's always over when I make it
through the morning." The
moment the words left her mouth, she realized that
she'd revealed too much.

"You're pregnant! But that's wonderful!" Harriet
exclaimed happily, but the
smile left her face when Mac didn't join her.

"It isn't wonderful?"

"Don't worry about me, Harriet." Mac said, trying to
avoid the question.
"Would you do me the favour and keep it to yourself
for a while longer?"

"Sure, no problem."

Mac went home that night with an even heavier heart
than usual. Telling Mic
wouldn't be easy but it had to be done. She wasn't
going to be able to hide
it much longer anyway.

Sure enough, she could smell beer when she entered
their appartment and she
heard his loud laughing and another voice from the
kitchen. Hoping she could
escape to the bedroom until Mic’s buddy was gone, she
silently made her way
through the apartment but wasn't as successful as
she'd wished.

"Luv!" he called out in a slurred voice when she was
halfway through the
living room.

"Yes, Mic?" she called back, hoping to sound
nonchallant. 

"Come here, I want you to meet someone!"

She sighed and went to the kitchen, where she spent
the next couple of hours
watching the two men getting more and more drunk.

Then the other man finally left and she tried to sneak
out to the bathroom,
but again Mic was faster. "Where are you going, luv?"

"Just heading for the bathroom, I'm tired and I have
to get up early
tomorrow."

"But we're not finished. You're my wife, I want you to
show me that you
are."

"Mic, you know I don't like it when you're drunk."

"I'm not drunk, just had a few beer with a friend!"
His voice got louder as
he got angrier and Sarah was getting scared and
decided to rather fulfill his
wish than to face his wrath.

When he was finished and lying on top of her, she
gathered all her strength,
hoping that he would be in a better mood now that he'd
gotten what he
wanted.

"Mic, I have to tell you something."

"What!" He sounded as if he would explode with anger
every second. Maybe the
moment hadn't been right, but now there was no turning
back.

"I'm pregnant."



"WHAT!" he shouted, scrambling up as quick as he
could, hurting her in the
process, but she didn't make a sound. He took her by
her upper arms and shook
her violently. "Are you out of your mind? Didn't I
tell you to take the
pill?" he yelled.

"But I did..."

"Lying bitch!" he spat out and slapped her across the
face before he pulled
her up from the bed.

"Mic..." she made another attempt to explain.

"You planned that!" Another slap. "You knew I didn't
want children, you did
that on purpose!" Mic wouldn't let her get another
word in and threw her
across the room, where she slammed into the
nightstand. Then he walked away,
going to the kitchen for another drink.

Mac used the chance and grabbed a few clothes, threw
them on and left the
apartment with nothing more than her car keys.

 

 

 

After driving for while, she'd finally calmed down
enough to think again.
She couldn't go home, not tonight anyway, and she had
no money with her, so she
couldn't stay at a hotel. Sleeping in the car on the
streets in DC was even
more dangerous than going back home. When she looked
around, she found
herself on the way to Harms place. She'd subconciously
turned that way, going to
the only person that she could think of right now. 

But Harm would demand an explanation she couldn't give
him. She struggled
long with her decision but finally made up her mind to
simply not tell Harm.


It was already 0046 and his lights were turned off, he
was asleep. She was
almost about to turn and go find another place. Maybe
she could go to JAG HQ?
But the guards would tell the Admiral who in turn
would make an appointment
for her with a shrink, when she started to come to
work in the middle of the
night.

Before she could debate with herself any longer, she
found her legs moving
on their own will, taking her out of the car and up to
his door, where her
hands developed an own will as well and she was
knocking.

It took a while before the pounding entered Harm's
mind. He got up and
stumbled towards the door, more than surprised to spot
his partner through the
peephole. He fumbled with the lock for a while, his
body still half asleep but
his mind already working overtime to try and come up
with an explanation.
Without success.

He finally managed to open the door and stared at her
disheveled appearance.
That was not the Sarah Mackenzie - now Brumby if not
at work - he'd known
for what seemed all his life. Standing in front him
was a different woman,
scared and vulnerable.

"Mac! My God, come in."

"Thank you," she whispered. Harm closed the door and
they both stood
awkwardly in the middle of his living room, staring at
each other until Mac drew her
gaze away.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come. Sorry, I woke you
up," she mumbled and
turned to leave, but Harm stopped her, grabbing for
her arm.

Her reaction surprised him. She jerked her arm out of
his grasp, swung
around and staggered backwards, her eyes wide with
panic, before her statement
softened again. "I'm sorry."

"Stay, Mac. Please don't go. Whatever the reason is
why you're here, I'm
sure it's a good one and I want to help you. Whatever
you want, talk or just
sack out on my couch - correction, make that bed, I'll
take the couch." He
changed his mind quickly, when he saw how exhausted
she looked.

"The couch will do, thank you. I...," she hesitated
and Harm sensed that she
felt bound to give him an explanation.

"It's ok, you don't have to tell me anything if you
don't want to. Just know
that I'm here and willing to listen, just in case."

She gave him a grateful smile. "If you just point me
into the direction of
your linen, I'll make up the couch and you can go back
to sleep."

"No way, you're my guest," he responded with a smile
of his own. "Can I get
you something before we both hit the pillows? Want
some hot chocolate? Tea?"

"Hot chocolate sounds fine, if you don't mind..."

"If I'd mind, I wouldn't offer it," he exclaimed and
went to the kitchen
while she sunk down on the couch.

While she was waiting for him to return, it all came
crashing down on her.
The events of tonight, Mic more or less forcing
himself onto her before he
beat her - again. It had started about a year ago,
when his firm of Brumby and
Brumby went bankrupt and gotten worse and worse. She
was staring into thin
air, not noticing Harm entering the room with their
cups. 

He noticed her change in demeanor immediately and set
the cups down on the
table before he sat down by her side, afraid to touch
her after her earlier
reaction but still coming as close as he dared.

"Mac?" he asked gently and she turned her head to look
at him. Their eyes
connected and the tenderness in his voice and the
loving look on his face
finally broke the dams. Tears were cascading down her
cheeks, first one, then two,
soon it was an endless stream.

It broke Harm's heart to see her crying like a small
child, and he couldn't
help but had to pull her into his arms. She cried
against his chest for what
felt like an eternity. He'd had no idea that there
were so many tears inside
her, so much pain. His heart broke all over again for
her and he tightened
his embrace and started rubbing her back, but stopped
when she flinched at his
touch just above the small of her back. 

He lifted her sweater a little bit, and what he saw
turned his stomach.
There was an angry red mark across her back that was
already turning blue and
going to become one of the most horrible bruises he'd
ever seen. 

Suddenly everything was falling into place and he
couldn't believe that he
hadn't realized earlier. Mic was beating her! How
could he! Damn Australian
bastard! Damn him! 

Mac registered that he was getting tense with his
anger and looked up to see
what was wrong, when she realized that her sweater was
pulled up to where
the mark of her earlier connection with the nightstand
had to be. She quickly
pulled it down but it was too late, Harm had seen it
and drawn the right
conclusion.

"Damn him!" he muttered under his breath and then
continued louder: "How
could he!"

"Harm please!" she begged, trying to calm him down,
when there was no way of
accomplishing that.

"He beat you, Mac! I'll have his ass for that!"

"Harm, no!" 

"What do you mean? You surely won't let him do that!"

"He was drunk, he didn't know what he was doing and
he's always sorry
afterwards." 

"Always?!? That wasn't the first time?"

Mac realized that she'd given away too much and
decided to make one last
attempt to keep him from making a mistake, from
ruining his career and his life.
"Harm, if I mean anything to you then you let me
handle it. I'll take care
of it, just please don't interfere."

He looked down at her, seeing her eyes pleading with
him and nodded slowly,
still not at all convinced that he was doing the right
thing. But she meant a
lot to him, and so he accepted her wish. Silently he
made up the couch and
shoved her towards the bedroom, silencing her protest
with a firm glare and
they both were asleep soon.

When Harm awoke the next morning, he found her already
gone, a simple note
on the table saying nothing more than "thank you, M.".
He sighed and got up to
prepare for work.

Harm tried talking to her the whole day but she always
cut him short. They
were back to no talk and he respected her enough to
fulfill her that wish. 


It stayed that way for another month. All the attempts
of their coworkers to
put them out of their misery were in vain. Mac
withdrew from him and he
didn't know how to approach her.

They were facing each other in court one Friday
afternoon, when hell broke
lose.

"Your witness!" Harm said to her. He was so sure she
would win that case.
His client was guilty as hell and she did an
incredibly good job at nailing his
sorry six to the wall. 

Mac rose slowly from her seat, Harm watching her every
movement. He never
got tired of watching her. She was so beautiful and
the way she moved reminded
him of a cat. 
Mac started her line of questioning and Harm soon
figured where she was
heading and was once more amazed. Now he really could
go packing. He knew she was
smart but she never failed to stun him.
 
She was standing in front of the witness stand, arms
crossed and her deadly
Marine glare on her face. She was tearing the witness
apart and that SOB
didn't deserve any better. He'd been lying all along
and Mac was making it seem
even worse with what she did to him.

Suddenly she pressed her hand on her lower abdomen,
the other one was
clenching around the pen in her fist. Her statement
changed from lethal to hurting
in a mere second and she bent forward to avoid the
obvious pain. Harm
watched in horror and was up and by her side
immediately, without asking for
permission.

"Mac, talk to me! What's wrong?" he asked, scared to
death at her sight.
She'd turned ghastly pale and the pain seemed to get
worse with every passing
second. She started sweating and panted heavily.

"Give me a few seconds and I'll be alright," she
whispered, her voice so
full of pain.

But Harm disagreed with her "No way! I'll haul your
six over to Bethesda."

"Harm, please. Don't worry, it'll go away soon."

"Are you kidding? Mac, you can barely keep youself
upright, I'm not letting
you get away that easily." Not waiting for her
protest, he simply scooped her
up into his arms and carried her out of the court room
and down to the
parking lot, ignoring the quizzical and concerned
looks at the bullpen.


Two hours later, he was restlessly pacing the waiting
room. There'd still
been no word on her. But now an elderly doctor
approached him.

"You're here with Colonel Mackenzie?"

"Yes, how is she? Can I see her?"

"She's fine, resting in her room upstairs. But we
couldn't do anything for
the baby, I'm sorry."

Harm's eyes grew as wide as saucers at the word baby.
Mac had been pregnant?
Why didn't she tell him? Oh yeah, they weren't talking
about their private
lives anymore. "Can I see her?" he repeated his
question.

"Sure. I think she could use some support now. Just
try not to upset her too
much. She's supposed to be resting. Room 315."

"Thank you, Sir."

Harm went upstairs in a haze, still struggling with
the fact that she'd been
pregnant and trying to come up with something to tell
her. He knew how much
Mac had wanted to have children. He wasn't sure about
Mic, but Mac sure as
hell wanted to have a big family. Losing that baby
would devastate her even
more than she already was.


 He entered her room carefully, not to wake her up in
case she was sleeping.
But she wasn't. Her eyes were closed but he could tell
she was awake. She
looked so lost, lying in that huge hospital bed,
curled up in a little ball.
Small and vulnerable.

He sat down on a chair at her bedside. "Mac?" Harm was
surprised at the
tenderness of his own voice. But she look as if she
would break as soon as he
said something, so he was really careful, trying not
to hurt her even more.

A single tear rolled over her nose down her face,
leaving a wet spot on her
pillow. She buried her head deeper into it, trying to
hide from Harm when
there was no way to hide.

"Mac?" He tried to get through to her again.

"Leave me alone." She whispered almost inaudibly, but
repeated her request
more strongly when he didn't move. "Leave me alone!"

And he left.

The doctor came to him again, when he was leaning
against the wall outside
her room. 

"Captain Rabb? I wanted to talk to you about
something."

"Go ahead."

"The Colonel. She has bruises all over her body, some
of older date but some
pretty fresh. Do you know something about that? Is
there someone beating
her?"

Harm read the underlying question in the doctor's
eyes. 'Are you beating
her?' they screamed at him and he couldn't even blame
him. "I don't have any
evidence to prove that, but I'm quite sure her husband
does. But of course she
wouldn't admit it, so my hands are tied. And believe
me, I'd be the first to
do something about it, but she's pushing me away.
Matter of fact she did just
now."

"Maybe she didn't mean it. Captain, I'm happily
married for over 30 years
now and when my wife says no, she most definitely
means yes in at least 50% of
all cases. That woman in there needs a friend, she's
alone. I haven't met her
husband yet, but when I examined her, she was only
half conscious and she
kept asking for Harm. That's you, isn't it?"

"Yeah, that would be me."

"Don't let her push you away, she needs you and she
wants you. She just
forgot how to ask for help."

Harm gave him a small smile and turned to go back
inside.

She greeted him with another curse. "Damn you, Harmon
Rabb! Which part of
'Leave me alone' do I need to repeat?"

"Mac, be reasonable here for a while. You didn't think
I would leave you
alone as much as you want it. I'm your friend, or at
least I still like to think
of me as just that. And I won't let you go through
that alone."

"You're just going to make it worse," she whispered,
close to tears before
she turned her head away from him.

"Why? Because of Mic? Is he going to do something to
you when he hears about
this?"

"I think he'll be glad to hear I lost the baby," she
responded bitterly.

"Mac, I'm so sorry about that. I know how much you
wanted to have a child."

"Stop, please! Let's not talk about babies just now,
okay?"

"Sorry. So what about Mic? Is he going to do something
to you?"

She was silent for a long minute but answered finally
"No."

"Sure?"

"Yeah, sure."

Harm reached out for her hand and she looked at him
with her expressive eyes
that were so full of sadness.

"Why do I have difficulty to believe that?"

Mac looked at him for a few seconds before she tried
to change the subject.
"Harm, please. You don't have to stay with me. It'll
just make things worse."

"Why? Explain it to me and if I like the answer, I'll
maybe leave. But let
me tell you, it'll have to be a damn good reason."

Mac sighed, struggling with her decision how much to
tell him. "Mic won't be
excited to hear that you're here with me."

"What are you trying to tell me? 'Not excited' as in
he's going to beat you
for that? Because in that case I'm sure as hell not
leaving without you. I'll
just take you with me."

"That sounds pretty much like a knight in shining
armor and I'd appreciate
it but I can't."

"Why can't you? Mac, this can't go on like that. You
can't allow him to
abuse you, it's not right and you of all people should
know that."

"Don't make this about my parents, Harm!" She glared
at him angrily. "It's
not Mic's fault, he's a good man. He just has some
problems right now. He's
been unemployed for over a year and he has almost no
friends here. His family
is in Australia and he badly wants to go back there
but I'm not ready to leave
yet."

Harm was shocked to hear that she actually considered
leaving for Australia.
"I hope you won't ever leave, Mac!"

"I'm not sure about that. He's my husband, I vowed in
front of God to stand
by him in good times as well as in bad. Right now
we're hitting a bump in the
road, what kind of wife would I be to leave him now?"

"What kind of husband is he that he takes his
frustration out on his wife?"

"The kind of husband who has nobody else because he
lives halfway around the
world from what he knows as home."

"But Mac. He has no right to beat you, no matter how
hard life is for him
right now!"

"But he's always sorry afterwards. He doesn't mean
it."

"Wasn't your father always sorry after he beat your
mom?"

"Harm, I already told you not to make this about my
parents. This is an
entirely different situation!"

"It isn't and if you would stop for a second and take
a look at your
relationship, you would see it!"

Mac didn't reply but turned away from him, telling him
in her own way that
she wasn't going to continue this under those
conditions.

"Sarah, look." She faced him again at the use of her
given name. "The doctor
told me you lost your baby because of the stress you
had during the past
months. He said it was a normal pregnancy with no
complications, but you lost
the baby anyway."

A single tear started falling down her face and Harm
continued in a gentler
manner "Mic was the reason for that stress. As much as
you maybe don't want
to see it, but in a way he killed your child."

"Don't you dare!" She screamed at him, tears rolling
down her face. "Get
out!"

"You're stuck with me. Don't even think that I'd leave
you now, I care very
much about you."

"Harmon Rabb Junior, always there for his friends,"
she spat at him. "Where
were you when I needed you the most?!? Where were you
when I wanted you to
tell me three little words I knew were in your heart?
But I don't need you or
your righteous attitude anymore! I managed without you
before and I will
again. It may surprise you, but there are people out
there who are capable of
living a normal life without needing to be saved by
you. Now get out and don't
you dare coming back!"

And he left.

Seconds later he found himself exactly at the same
spot he stood just a few
minutes ago, outside her room. 'Just great, Rabb. You
messed up again.' This
time, he left the hospital and back at home buried
himself into his work, not
willing to deal with the outer world for at least a
few hours.

Mac was released the same afternoon and went home in a
Taxi. Mic was already
waiting for her.


She came back to work after the weekend. Harm tried to
talk to her again,
but she didn't answer his questions and made clear
that she had no intention of
doing so anytime soon.

A couple of months had passed, when Harm and Mac were
assigned another case
together taking them away from JAG HQ.

They arrived at Norfolk in late afternoon, after
they'd both gone home and
gotten their stuff from their respective apartments.
Harm noticed her
grimacing when she picked up her bag from the car.
Damn the Autralian! He'd done it
again.

"Let me take that," he offered, deciding not to call
her on Mic's behaviour.
He'd seen how it'd turned out the last time he did.

"Harm, I'm a Marine. I think I can handle my duffel
bag," she gruffed, not
meaning to be so harsh to him but knowing no other way
to keep him from
getting to her. He had to stop being her friend, it
wasn't good for him and she
would have an easier time leaving for Australia with
Mic in a few months when
she had no friends left here.

"Even a Marine can let a guy carry her bag without
losing the image of the
big bad fighting machine. Come on, Mac. I'm just
trying to be nice."

"Then don't!" She turned and left for her room,
carefully holding back the
tears brimming in her eyes.

A sigh escaped his mouth and he went after her in
silence. Damn him!

They stuck to their usual ways and had no private talk
for two days. Then,
in the middle of an interview with a suspect they both
were having, Harms
cellphone rang. He excused himself and went to a
corner of the room. Mac
interrupted her questioning until he would be back and
shuffeled through the papers,
cursing under her breath when a few files dropped to
the floor, leaving the
papers they contained scattered all over the floor.

She bent down from her chair to pick them up, but
thought the better of it
when her ribs protested and she got up to get them.

When she was finished and Harm was still talking on
the phone, she sent an
impatient glare over in his direction, just in time to
see the color leaving
his face. Then he cut the connection and stormed out
of the room.

Mac's radar went up, something had to be terribly
wrong. Harm wasn't one to
show his emotions in public, something must have
gotten to him. But he
wouldn't tell her anyway, not after the way she'd
treated him. She turned back to
the Lieutenant sitting opposite her and finished the
interview.

When Harm hadn't come back then, she packed the files
together and decided
to take a look where he was. She found him packing at
his quarters.

"What the hell do you think you're doing here? You're
leaving me without
telling me a reason in the middle of interviewing what
could be our main suspect
and you're packing when we're nowhere near finished
with this case?"

"You don't tell me your reasons, I don't tell you
mine, Colonel. It's your
rule so don't bitch about it," he lashed back.

Mac was momentarily stunned at his harshness. She'd
forgotten how much it
hurt when he was yelling at her. But she didn't
deserve any better. She'd
treated him worse. But that he was yelling the way he
did, only served to reawaken
her earlier concern for him.

Mac softened her voice and statement "What's wrong,
Harm? What happened?"

"You're asking me to talk to you? Why should I, Mac?"

She hesitated before saying it, not sure he wanted to
hear it but finally
decided that there was maybe a chance "Because I'm
your friend?"

Harm stopped cold at that, not believing his ears.
She'd totally withdrawn
from him, turning every single one of his attempts to
get their friendship
back down, and now she was standing in front of him,
declaring that she was just
that? His friend?

"Are you?" he asked sarcastically and was immediately
sorry when he saw the
hurt in her eyes.

"Look, Mac. Things didn't go really well between us
for at least a year and
I don't know what I did that you treat me the way you
do, but I have no time
to discuss that now, I have to get to Belleville."
With those words he
grabbed his bag and made his way out.

"You didn't do anything, Harm," she told the now empty
room around the lump
in her throat. She turned and went to her own room,
starting to pack. When
Harm left for Belleville, there must be something
wrong with Grandma Sarah.
She'd met her once and she was an amazing old lady.
Mac cared about her very
much and if there was something wrong with her, she
wasn't going to leave Harm
alone. 

She explained the situation to the CO on base and
called Admiral Chegwidden,
telling him that Harm needed some time off, requesting
the same for herself
and went home first to get something besides uniforms
for herself and Harm
before she would go after him.

She went to Harms place first, hastily grabbing some
clothes for him and
stuffing them into a bag before she went to her own
appartment, sending a thanks
to heaven when Mic wasn't home.
She was just about to head out of the door, when she
heard the lock turning.
'Great! Why the hell couldn't he stay away for another
five minutes?'
Steeling herself for what was to come, she quickly
plastered a smile on her face
that didn't reach her eyes.

"Hey Mic, I've got to go. New assignment." But she
wasn't going to get away
with that and she'd known it.

He was drunk. "New assignment? But didn't you go to
Norfolk with that SOB
you call your partner just three days ago? You said
you would be gone for a
week!"

"Admiral changed his orders. Look, I really need to
go."

"Where? And with whom?"

Mac's mind raced for an explanation "San Diego with
Bud."

"And you think, I believe that!" he thundered. "You're
going to go with
Rabb, aren't you?!?" He slapped her. "Don't lie to me,
bitch!"

"But Mic..."

"Don't 'but Mic' me. I've made arrangements for us to
move home to my
parents in two days. You need to start packing!"

"We never discussed that. I thought we were going in a
few months from now!"

"Changed my mind."

"But I can't leave just now, Mic. I have a job here
and friends."

"Friends like Rabb? You're sleeping with him aren't
you? It possibly even
was his baby you were carrying until you lost it. You
can't do anything right,
can you? You screwed up your first marriage, you never
got the act together
with Rabb, you couldn't just leave the military and
come to work at my side
where you would have belonged. Brumby and Brumby went
down the drain because
you were too damn stubborn to finally do something for
me! I gave up everything
for you and how are you paying me back?!? You aren't
even good for making
babies!"

Each word was like the cut of a knife right into her
soul. He knew exactly
how to break her. But she didn't break, not this time.
She had to get to Harm.
When she was reaching for her bag again, he grabbed
her wrists, jerking her
towards him.

"YOU ARE NOT GOING!!!" he yelled so loud, the
neighbours started pounding on
the walls.

Realizing that he'd attract too much attention this
way and that possibly
somebody would call for the police, he dropped his
voice to a deadly whisper.

"You better unpack that bag and come to the bedroom!"

"No," she stated with a calmness she didn't know she
had in herself.

"You are my wife!"

"I'll file for divorce!"

Next thing she knew was, that his fist connected
painfully with her ribs.
She could hear the awful noise of cracking bones but
not even a whimper escaped
her mouth.

"Are you still going?" he asked, grinning at her.

Sarah didn't dare to answer but her stare was enough
to cause him to raise
his fist again, this time aiming for her stomach.  Her
world started spinning,
but she still stood upright, staring at him with her
big sad eyes. It was
driving him crazy. He knew what he did was wrong and
he desperately wanted her
to scream to give him a reason to hit her. But she
didn't. She stared at him,
her eyes full of reproach and all the same questioning
him why. He had to
stop that, he couldn't stand her gaze. Mic reached for
the first thing he could
grab. It was an umbrella they kept next to the door.
He struck her on the
head and she fell to the floor without another noise.


It was already dark when Mac awoke again. She felt
horrible. Her head was
throbbing and as soon as she started to move, her ribs
protested violently.
Groaning she pulled herself into a sitting position,
waited for the living room
to stop moving in circles around her and finally stood
up and reached for the
light switch, immediately regretting that when a sharp
pain went through her
head. But she had no time to turn it off again, before
her stomach was
turning inside out after the earlier assault.

Returning from the bathroom, she dropped on the couch,
checking herself for
injuries other than the obvious but found none. A
large bump on the back of
her head was crusted over with blood and she was sure
to have a concussion,
but it would be okay. A few ribs were broken and her
stomach was upset. Nothing
she hadn't dealt with before, only that usually those
injuries would come
one at a time.

Her eyes fell on her duffel bag. Harm! She had to get
to him. Forcing down
another wave of nausea when she got up, she went down
to her car and drove
away.


It was long after midnight when she arrived at the
farm. A few necessary
stops because she got sick again, had delayed her even
more. The house was dark,
but in front of it was Harms SUV, that they'd taken
down to Norfolk. Not
willing to wake him and suddenly not sure what to tell
him, she decided to stay
in the car, at least until morning.

She must have fallen asleep finally, after she hadn't
been able to find a
position that was easy on her ribs, because she woke
at somebody calling her
name.

"Mac? What the hell are you doing here?"

She tried to find her way through the fog of sleep and
stirred, grimacing
when she discovered that neither her head nor her
chest had stopped hurting.

Harm picked up on that right away, and despite his
irritation with her, he
was full of concern the moment he saw it. "Mac, are
you okay? Please tell me
you're just sore from sleeping in the car and he
didn't do it again."

"Sorry, Sailor. No such luck," she returned, still
trying to shake off the
sleep.

"My God, Mac. That has to stop! But hell, come on in
first. Where are you
hurt?" 

"It's nothing."

"Yeah, right. That's why I can read the pain all over
your face. Come on, we
can talk inside. You must be freezing. Did you realize
that this is not the
right weather for camping?"

"I can tell."

Harm reached for her to help her, but tried to be
careful since he didn't
know where she was hurt. She got out of the car when a
wave of dizzyness came
over her and she tried to hold on to him. Harm slung
his arm around her but
released her quickly when she was moaning in pain.

"Mac, talk to me. You're scaring me, Marine."

"Broke a few ribs." She gasped when a fit of coughing
racked through her
body. "Ou," she winced and slung her own arm around
her chest to ease the pain. 

"And caught a cold last night." He stated and picked
her up in his arms
carefully, not willing to watch her any longer,
standing outside in the cold,
hurting and shivering.

He settled her gently on the couch, popping her up
against a pile of pillows
before he questioned her further.

"I'm listening, Mac. Broken ribs, a cold, what else is
on that list of your
injuries?"

"Not much," she responded weakly.

"What did he do to you?" he asked softly.

"Hit me."

"Old news, counselor. I want details. I'm already on
the way to the hospital
and now I just need to decide whether to call an
ambulance for you or take
you there myself."

"You're on the way to the hospital? Your grandma?"

Harm's face darkened. "Yeah, they took her there
yesterday. She had a
stroke."

"I'm sorry, Harm. I know how much she means to you."

"She's a special lady. But you're changing the
subject."

"No need for an ambulance, matter of fact, there is no
need for a hospital.
Harm this isn't about me here. I came because of you."

"Why?" he asked, his voice so full of unshed tears.

"You looked as if something was terribly wrong
yesterday, and when you said
you were going to Belleville, I already was afraid
something had happened to
your grandma."

"And you came here to be with me?"

"Yeah. You looked as if you could use a friend."

"You looked as if you needed a friend for over a year
now, Mac. And you
wouldn't let me be one. I'd thought we lost our
friendship for good. That you
were mad at me."

"Why should I be mad at you?"

"How am I supposed to know that? You pushed me away
whenever I wanted to
help you."

"I couldn't let you get involved with that. I need to
handle it on my own."

"Sorry, but you don't seem to be doing such a good job
at it."

"Maybe not. But I'm sure you wanted to leave when
you...," she started
coughing again and Harm helped her to sit up
completely and rubbed her back
gently, hating that he couldn't do more. A minute
later it was over and she was
gasping for air.

"Easy. Slow and deep breaths," he coached her and soon
she sunk back into
the pillows, her eyes still closed against the pain.

"Hospital, now!" he demanded and pulled her up again
to wrap her into his
coat before he carried her out to his SUV and drove
towards town.

Arriving at the ER, he did so again, overruling her
protest that she could
walk alone. They didn't have to wait long for the
doctor, but Mac had two more
coughing fits, each leaving her weaker.

Harm stayed with her while they examined her, until
they wheeled her up for
the x-rays. Mac told him to go and see his grandma. He
did so, but Sarah Rabb
was being treated and he wasn't allowed in, so he went
back downstairs to
wait for news on Mac.

Finally the doctor approached him in the waiting room.

"Mr. Rabb, would you please follow me to my office!"
he said grimly and Harm
already expected what was to come.

"Did you do that to her?"

"No. I may not have been the best friend when I
allowed it to get that far,
but I did not abuse her. I know who did though."

The doctor's statement softened somewhat. "Then I
suggest you go to the
police and talk to them."

"I'll have to talk to her first. If she isn't willing
to file charges
against him, there isn't really all that much the
police can do."

"You're right. Well, I hope she does."

"How is she, can I see her?"

"She broke four ribs, has a concussion that comes
along with a bump on her
head, her stomach is upset because she was hit there
too and she caught a
cold. She'll need to stay here 24 hours, so we can
monitor her concussion, but
it's only a mild one. Her head is going to give her
hell for a few days though.
The ribs are not that much of a problem, we wrapped
them and it should be
okay in a couple of weeks, but it'll hurt a lot,
especially because she's
coughing so much. 

We try to supress the symptoms of the cold, but those
viruses are changing
so quickly, it's not easy to cope with their speed. We
don't want to put her
on too heavy painkillers. It would make her drowsy and
then we can't separate
the symptoms of the concussion from the drugs anymore.
We need her clear at
least for 24 hours and then we can turn up the dose if
necessary. The good
news is that you can see her. She is supposed to be
resting, but that's not too
easy given the fact that those ribs have to be killing
her."

"Thank you." Harm shook the doctor’s hand and made his
way over to the room
Mac had been settled in.


"Hey, Mac. How are you doing?"

"You don't want to know that."

"Oh, so bad?"

"I'll be fine. How's your grandma?"

"There's no change on her condition. But they aren't
exactly giving me much
hope."

"I'm so sorry." Mac reached for his hand and squeezed
it hard. "You should
really be sitting with her then."

"The doctors are with her. They wouldn't let me in."

"I'm sorry to be such a pain in the six. I was coming
to be with you, help
you get through this and now you're sitting at my
bedside."

"You're no such thing..." He was interrupted when she
started to cough and
struggled to sit up. Harm helped her gently and it was
over soon.

"The doctor told me, he wouldn't give you any pain
killers before he's sure
that there's nothing wrong with your head."

"Well, they did give me something but it's not really
helping."

"What happened. Why did he do that?"

"I was getting ready to come here and he came home
before I got away. I told
him I would go on an assignment with Bud, but he got
the quick idea that I
would go with you. Then he talked about his plans to
go to Australia. He'd
arranged for us to leave in two days and I told him
that I wasn't ready to
leave. That's when he went ballistic."

"That's the short version, isn't it?"

"Yeah."

"I expect you to tell me the whole thing some time
soon, but now you really
should rest."

"Are you kidding?"

"Much pain?"

"Tell me about it."

"Try anyway. You'll need it. The better your condition
is tomorrow, the
sooner you get out of here."

"The doctor said, he would only release me to
somebody's custody. It's not
like I could go back to my husband. Not this time."

"You'll stay with me."

"Harm, you have your grandma to worry about. You don't
need me on top of
that."

"Don't make it sound like a burden. Mac, we may not
have been getting along
too well, but I'm still your friend and I care about
you very much. I want
you to stay with me. If it is only to rescue the
nurses here, because you'll
sure give them hell about the food as soon as they put
you on painkillers and
you won't feel so bad anymore," he teased.

"I should be smacking you for that, but I'm afraid I
can't right now. Thank
you, Harm."

"You're welcome."

"Now go and see your grandma."

"Aye, Ma'am."


When he entered his grandma's room, Harm had to force
himself to go on. It
was so awful to see her lying so still, she'd always
been so lively. The first
to get up in the mornings and the last to go to bed at
night, a bundle of
joy and energy during the whole day. She'd managed to
motivate him whenever he
was down, she knew him better than anyone. Well, maybe
not better than Mac,
but that was an entirely different thing.

Harm slowly made his way over to her bed and sat down,
reaching for her hand
and wrapping it in his own. He closed his eyes and
pressed her hand against
his cheek. The doctors had told him that there wasn't
much hope that she
would ever wake up again. He refused to believe that.
It couldn't be true. She'd
been conscious when they found her but hadn't woken up
again after last
night.

After sitting for about an hour in the same position,
silently trying to
connect to her, he felt her hand moving in his. His
head jerked up and he looked
into her green eyes. A small smile graced her
features. 

"Grams," he whispered, too confused to say more.

"Harm, I'm glad to see you again," she answered, her
voice more strongly
than he'd expected it to be. Mabe there was hope after
all that everything would
turn out just fine.

"Don't talk. Save your energy. You'll need it to get
better."

"Don't kid yourself, Harm. I won't get better."

"Don't say that!"

"Harm, I don't have much time left but I wanted to
tell you a few things."

He decided to let her have her way and shut up to
listen.



When she saw him returning a couple of hours later,
Mac could tell that
something had happened. And she wasn't sure if it was
something good.

"Hey, I hoped to find you asleep," he greeted her.

"Not in the mood for my company?" she asked carefully.

"No, that's not it," he hastened to reassure her.
"Just hoped that you would
get some rest."

Harm went over to the bed and sat down on the chair
he'd already occupied
earlier. Just then he noticed, that Mac was paler than
when he'd left.
Instinctively his hand reached out to her forehead and
he felt the heat on her skin.

"You're running a fever, Marine. Does the doctor know
about that?" His voice
was so full of concern and Mac asked herself not for
the first time what she
did to deserve this. 

"Yeah, he was here and fussed over me just 30 minutes
ago. I'm fine,
really."

"A fever is not fine, Mac!"

"Would you mind not yelling at me, Marine with
headache here."

Harm dropped his voice immediately "I'm sorry."

"I kinda like you worried. Makes me feel all warm and
cozy and please shoot
me right now for admitting something like that."

"I like it when you tell me such things."

Mac looked at him for a few moments, studying his face
intensely. "I bet
that head of your is full of questions and that you're
dying for some answers."

"It doesn't matter just now. You think about getting
well again, we'll worry
about the rest later."

"But you volunteered to take care of me which is a
pretty big thing
considering our relationship ever since I married Mic
and maybe even before. I feel
like you deserve some answers from me."

"We'll have that talk, just not here and now. I want
you to get well."

Sensing even more strongly, that not everything was
alright, she gave him a
questioning look. "What happened while you were up at
your grandma's room?"

Harm drew his gaze away and stared out of the windows
instead. She could see
that something was bothering him very much. Dreading
the answer, she had to
ask anyway.

"Harm, talk to me. She didn't die, did she?"

"Not yet, but she will."

"You can't be sure of that."

"She told me herself."

"So she woke up?" Mac longed to reach out for his hand
and squeeze it but
he'd gotten up and was wearing a track into the carpet
of her room.

"Yeah, and she talked to me for about half an hour
before she fell asleep
again. She told me she wasn't going to wake up again."

"I'm so sorry," Mac whispered, aching to take him into
her arms. He'd never
looked more like he needed just that.

Then he suddenly turned around and stormed out of the
room. Mac looked after
him, unsure for a second if she should go after him or
if he wanted some
solitary but decided that he needed a friend more than
space right now. She
struggled to get up and managed, grimacing in pain.
Waiting until the world would
stop whirling around she finally took off after him,
somehow going unnoticed
by the nurses.

She found him outside in the waiting room. Sitting on
one of those chairs,
his head hung and his hands were clasped together
tightly. He looked more lost
than ever. Silently she made her way over to him,
dragging the IV pole
along, and with some effort kneeled down in front of
him, covering his hands with
one of hers.

Harm looked up, puzzled first but that soon turned
into shock and concern
when he looked right into the dark brown eyes of the
woman who had been almost
constantly on his mind ever since he'd seen her first
and who right now
belonged into that hospital bed down the hall. "Mac!
What the hell are you doing
here? Are you totally out of your mind?"

"Stop fussing over me for a while, I'm fine. But
you're not. Harm, if you
don't want me walking around when I'm supposed to be
resting than you better
not run out on me like that. Despite my behaviour
during the last year I still
care very much about you and I can tell that you look
miserable. You need a
friend and I'd be willing to be that friend again, if
you'll still have me."

"Of course" He paused shortly, trying to read the
statement on her face.
"Sarah, I never stopped being yours and I couldn't
believe either that you did.
But let me take you back to bed, you really shouldn't
be out here. You're
running a fever and let's not start with the rest. To
sum it up, you're in no
shape to wander around."

"I had a good reason."

"I'm not worth you risking your health."

"Damn sure you are."

Harm was stunned and knew no other response than to
get up and help her to
her feet as well. She was wincing when she had another
coughing spell just
then and Harm pushed her down to sit on one of the
chairs until it was over.

"Come on, I better get you back before you get even
sicker than you already
are. You're horribly pale, Mac."

"Not feeling all that well either, now that you
mention it."

"What's wrong?"

"I guess this is just developing into a full blown
cold."

"And I'm sure you being out of bed didn't help matters
either. Back to bed,
now! Want me to carry you?"

"No, I can walk."

Harm helped her up again and slung a supporting arm
around her waist,
careful not to hurt her. They reached her room and he
was about to steer her
towards the bed when she interrupted him "Bathroom,
now!"

He hurried her over to the small bathroom adjoining
her hospital room and
she sank down on her knees over the toilet, spitting
out what little was left
in her stomach and coughing at the same time. Harm
kneeled behind her with a
cold washcloth and pressed it to her forehead,
grimacing at the thought how
much that must be hurting with her broken ribs.

After a little while she leaned back against his chest
"I thought I had
thrown up everything there was already yesterday."

"Obviously not, you got me really worried now. What's
wrong?"

"Are you never sick when you catch a cold?"

"Yeah, sure," he had to admit and helped her up and
wash out her mouth
before he guided her back to bed.


When the doctor came back later and checked on her
chard he told them, that
she would have to stay longer, if the temperature
didn't drop. Mac was not
excited to hear that but at least the doctor left
orders for the nurses to give
her something against the nausea.


Harm stayed at the hospital the whole night, sitting
either on Mac's or his
grandma's bedside. In the wee hours of the morning -
he was with Mac, who
hadn't gotten any sleep so far, mainly due to the pain
it caused every time she
had to cough - a nurse came in and waved him to come
outside with her. 

"Whatever you want to tell me, you can do it in here
as well."

"I'm sorry, Mr. Rabb. You grandma passed away ten
minutes ago."

Mac saw the shocked look on his face and reached out
for his hand to give it
a hard squeeze so he would know that she was there for
him.

"Thank you," he whispered and the nurse left.

Mac wished he would turn around and look at her but he
only stared into thin
air. "I'm sorry, Harm."

He gave her a small smile and got up. "I have to go,
see her."

"Okay," she answered softly "but promise me that
you'll com back here.
You're not alone, Harm. I'm here."

"Promised."

She watched him leaving, his shoulders slumped and his
head hanging. He
looked so miserable and she desperately wanted to go
with him but all the same
was sure that he needed some time alone to say
goodbye.

Mac turned her head and looked out of the window, up
to the moon. A few
tears rolled down her cheeks. Tears for her best
friend, who had lost one of the
most important persons in his life and tears for Sarah
Rabb, who she'd gotten
to know as a very special lady.


As promised, Harm was back about half an hour later.
He looked pale and his
eyes were red from crying. Mac's heart broke at the
sight of him but there
wasn't really anything she could do to make it easier
or less painful.

"Come here," she told him, reaching out for him.

Harm went over to her bed and sat down beside her. He
stared at her for a
long moment, trying to supress the tears brimming in
his eyes.

"It's okay, Harm. I'm here," she whispered gently. It
was enough for him to
break down and cry. Mac brought his head down on her
chest, slowly stroking
through his hair. He fell asleep like that soon and
didn't even wake up the
numerous time she tried to stiffle a cough only
halfway successfully.


Harm woke up the next morning and she released him
from her arms so he could
sit up. Harm looked over at her, still a bit drowsy
from sleep. She looked
exhausted.

"Hey," he greeted her.

"Hey yourself. Slept well?"

"Yeah, I guess I dozed off. I'm sorry"

"What for? Sleeping?"

"For hindering you to do just that. You needed rest
more badly than me."

"But I wouldn't have slept anyway so it was just fine.
Besides, I thought it
rather comfortable" She wouldn't admit that she had in
fact enjoyed to have
him so close, to be able to feel and smell him, but
she could at least let
him know that he hadn't increased her discomfort with
falling asleep on top of
her.

"I'm glad you did. How are you doing?"

"Better I hope, but here comes the doctor," she
answered when the doctor
entered the room to check on her.

After reading her chard he confirmed that her fever
was down and she
therefore would be released later this morning under
the condition that she wouldn't
stay alone.

Mac sent Harm home to get some more sleep and become
socially acceptable
before he would pick her up later and he agreed after
a lenghty argument.


He was back just shortly after noon and they went home
to the Rabb farm
where Harm settled her on the living room couch with
orders to stay put and get
some rest. He went to the kitchen to prepare some
lunch for the both of them
because Mac had refused to eat more of the hospital
food than unavoidable.

When he came back to the living room he found her
asleep. Maybe the first
real sleep she got since Norfolk, the painkillers
seemed to do their job. He
sat down on the other side of the small table on an
armchair and watched her.
His gaze was magically drawn to the blue marks on her
wrists where Mic had
grabbed her. The thought of the Australian renewed his
anger and as if sensing
the tension now settling into his body, Mac woke up.
Her eyes followed his
stare and she realized quickly what had taken up his
attention.

Harm saw that she was awake and she'd caught him
staring at her wrists. He
shifted his gaze to her eyes "Why did you let him do
that to you, Mac? You
could have taken him with one arm tied behind your
back."

"A lot of reasons."

"Care to explain them to me? I can't understand it.
That's not the Mac I
know."

"Mic had problems, problems I was the reason for."

"Oh no, Mac! You're not responsible for that. It's Mic
who turned violent!"

"I'm trying to explain it to you, but you aren't
listening."

"Sorry, go on."

Mac passed him a short smile "It started with the
little things. He would
shove me around or grab my arm a little too tight but
it never hurt. Until
about a year ago."

"That's when the firm went bankrupt."

"Exactly. He started drinking more and more and when
he was drunk he would
beat me. It got worse over the months but he was
really careful not to leave
bruises where they would be visible. Afterwards he was
always sorry. He cried
because he'd hurt me and I forgave him."

"But why did you let him do that to you in the first
place?"

"Because I was responsible for his misery. He was
unhappy and how can I
blame him? He moved thousands of miles away from what
he knows as home to be with
me. And I strung him along for several more months. I
couldn't tell him no,
he offered me everything I wanted and I was so
desperate. I wanted a home and
a family badly. He moved around the world to be with
me, be my family and
create a home with me, how could I say no? And I loved
him, just not the way I
should have."

"But you didn't owe him a marriage because of that,"
he interupted gently.

"But I realized just now how it really went. You know,
I've been living in a
dreamworld back then. I had a perfect guy who offered
the world to me, I
didn't realize that he practically blackmailed me into
marriage. Then he founded
that firm, 'Brumby and Brumby'. I was upset because I
thought, he assumed
that I would stop working at JAG and be his partner,
but he told me he didn't
expect it from me. So I didn't do it. Turned out he
did expect it, he threw it
at me everytime we argued after 'Brumby and Brumby'
went down the drain.

And I felt guilty. I am guilty. He came here to be
with me, left everything
behind for me and I still wouldn't acknowledge him as
my best friend let
alone my husband. Technically we were married, but
when I was talking about him,
I never said 'my husband'. I referred to him as Mic.
It hurt him, I could see
it in his eyes. But I couldn't make myself say it. I
wasn't in love with
him, not at any point of our relationship. But I still
care about him very
deeply. I never wanted to hurt him," she paused for a
second, recollecting her
thoughts.

"And I should have left JAG and started at his firm,
made it our firm. I'm
his wife after all, I swore in front of God to be at
his side, to never let
him down. But I did, more than once. Also I wouldn't
agree to move back to
Australia. I couldn't leave everything behind for him.
Again I hurt him. I caused
him to turn to the bottle. You know what that did to
me? I'm an alcoholic
myself, I was constantly drunk for several years, I of
all people should have
been able to avoid it, to spare him that pain."

Mac choked down a sob but couldn't hold back the tears
any longer. Harm went
over to the couch wher she was lying and sat down at
the edge, wiping her
tears away with his thumb like he'd done a few times
so long ago.

"I had to stick with him," Mac continued then. "I
caused him to get that
way. I turned a good man into an alcoholic who beats
his wife, how could I leave
him? I'm responsible. And I thought if I would just
ride it out, he would
change again, as soon as we moved to Australia and he
would be happier." She
was silent for a little while, just staring at some
none existent point over
his shoulder.

"I really bring bad luck to everyone who ever gets
involved with me," she
stated matter of factly, her voice deadly calm.

"Don't say that Mac, it's not true."

But she didn't listen to him.

"Mic said the truth when he said I couldn't do
anything right. My first
marriage was a mess, I didn't even divorce Chris and
then I killed him. Eddie and
Dalton died because of me, Farrow's career went to
hell. I didn't tell Mic
that I wouldn't be able to marry him because I didn't
love him, when the time
was right. I let him leave everything behind to be
with me in a relationship
I didn't even want with all my heart. I wasn't
straight with him and I failed
him again when I didn't come to work at his firm. It
went down the drain
because I didn't." Then she turned silent for second
and when she spoke up
again, her voice was almost inaudible. "And I lost my
child, I didn't take care of
me enough and my baby had to pay the price with it's
life."

Tears were rolling down her cheeks and she was sobbing
by the time she was
finished.

"Shhh, none of this is solely your fault, Mac. Aw,
come here," he opened his
arms for her and soon she was in his embrace, crying
in his arms while he
was stroking her back soothingly.

"Are you going to file charges against him?" Harm
asked, when she'd calmed
down a bit.

"Honestly I don't know. I think I would like to talk
to him first."

"But Mac, what if he does it again?" he couldn't
believe she even considered
not turning him in. "You just spent a night in a
hospital because of him!"

"Believe me, I'm perfectly aware of that. But I don't
want him to go to
prison for that. He's a good man, Harm. I thought, I
just explained it to you?"

"Yeah, you did, and I even understand. I'm still mad
as hell at him for
abusing you, but I understand your side of the story."

Mac passed him a small smile and he went to get their
food. Afterwards he
ordered her to bed and she didn't wake up again that
day.


Sarah Rabb was buried on the local cemetery a few days
later.

On their drive back from the funeral he tried again to
get through to her.
"Mac, I don't like the idea of you facing him alone.
What if he's drunk again?
What if he tries to further abuse you? You're still
not healed, you won't be
able to defend yourself."

"I'll handle it, believe me. I just can't have you
there, Harm. Mic goes
ballistic as soon as he hears your name even if he's
sober. Imagine how it would
turn out if you'd show up with me to talk him into a
divorce. He already
thinks we're having an affair, it would only
complicate matters," she tried to
reason with him. "It'll be alright, don't worry. I'll
go there, talk to him
and call you as soon as we're done, before I come over
to your place. After a
day or two he will be packed and on the way to
Australia and forever gone from
my life."
 
"I wish for it to turn out that simple, but I don't
have a good feeling
about the whole thing," he sighed. "Can't you at least
take Bud or Harriet along?
We'll find a good excuse for them being there, I just
don't want you alone
with Mic."

"I've been alone with Mic for the better part of our
marriage, I can handle
him another 30 minutes."

"It took him but five the last time."

"Harm, I won't drag any of my friends into this. I'd
never forgive myself if
anything happened to them."

"And I wouldn't forgive myself if anything happened to
you, because I let
you go alone and he did something to you!"

"No matter how long you continue this, the answer is
no!"

"Damn it, Mac! I care about you way too much to be
happy with that!"

"And I'm so grateful, but no. This is something I have
to do on my own."

Harm sighed in desperation. He wasn't going to win
this fight, she was too
stubborn. "At least promise to call if you get in
trouble. You can push those
two buttons on your cellphone without him noticing and
I'll understand the
message, even if you don't say anything. And allow me
to wait somewhere close
to your apartment."

"Okay, I'll call. But you'll wait at your place," she
agreed, not seeing any
chance to talk him out of it.

"Mac..."

"You won't get more from me, so you can as well stop
argueing. If he sees
you waiting there, you could as well come up."

He opened his mouth again to say something but shut
it, when he received the
deadly Marine glare she used when there was nothing
left to say.

The rest of the drive was accomplished in silence,
each deep in their own
thoughts. At the Rabb farm they parted so they could
take both of their cars
back to DC. He drew her into a huge hug. "Take care,
Mac."

"I will." She gave his hand a reassuring squeeze and
got out of the car.


Later, standing in front of the apartment she shared
with Mic, she drew
another deep breath before she took her keys out. It
wasn't locked, Mic was home.


The smell of alcohol and smoke assaulted her senses as
soon as she entered
the apartment. Sighing she closed the door behind her.
If she'd had any hope
of finding Mic sober, it was gone now. Before she
could collect her thoughts
again, he already appeared in the kitchen door.

"You?!?" he thundered upon spotting her. "I didn't
expect to see you ever
again. I thought you'd run off with Rabb!" Mic's voice
was slurred with alcohol
and now he was staggering towards her, but stopped
midway to look out of the
window.

"He's here, isn't he?!? Waiting for you just around
the corner!"

"No, he isn't," Mac spoke up, her voice calm and even.
"I was in a hospital
the last few days," she added, watching out for his
reaction.

"And you think, I believe you? Then you're more
stupid, than I thought you
were!"

Mac decided to cut the whole thing as short as
possible and came to the
point, carefully bringing the sofa between them first.
"Mic, I already told you I
want a divorce. I meant it. I have all the papers, all
I need you to do is
sign them."

He laughed dirtily and turned towards her, already
stepping closer "If you
think, I'll just sign that so you can marry Rabb,
you're wrong! You're my
wife! You ran away from me and you'll pay for that.
Starting right now!"

Mac backed away, when he started coming around the
sofa, but walked right
into the table standing behind her. Mic used that
opportunity and jumped over
the sofa with an agility she didn't expect in his
drunken state. However the
landing wasn't that precise and he turned his ankle,
what only served to
double his wrath. 

He was up faster than Mac, who was still handicaped,
and grabbed her at her
arms to pull her up violently, only to slap her so
hard that she fell
backwards into the table again, this time hitting it
with her still sore ribs. She
had to close her eyes for a second to fight the pain
and Mic saw his advantage
over her and used it again. This time he didn't bother
pulling her up but
simply kicked her into the stomach a few times. Mac
drew her breath in sharply
when his shoe connected painfully with her rib cage
but nevertheless grabbed
for his leg and brought him off balance with a quick
jerk. 

He swayed for a second and then fell across the sofa
somewhat stunned. Mac
used the time to scramble to her feet and bring as
much space between them as
possible. She reached for her cellphone but couldn't
find it, when she
spotted it half under the sofa and far out of her
reach.
Just then a coughing fit started to rage through her
body, and she tasted
blood in her mouth.

Meanwhile Mic had recollected himself and gotten up.
Seeing her standing
close and bent forward in a vain attempt to suppress
the coughing, he walked
over slowly, an evil grin on his face.

"Does it hurt, sweetie?" he asked, his voice cold.

Mac couldn't answer, she only looked up to meet his
gaze with an icy glare
of her own. Mic grabbed her at her arms and backed her
against the desk at the
near wall, successfully trapping her with no chance to
escape in her
weakened state. He pulled her head back on her hair
and kissed her violently, his
tongue assaulting her mouth while his hand held her
head so she couldn't turn
away. His other hand increased the pressure on her
ribs, when she tried to
wriggle herself out of his grasp and she stilled her
movements, overwhelmed by
the pain.

He came up when the need for oxygen forced him and Mac
panted heavily, since
she wasn't breathing that easily anyway. The grin was
still plastered all
over his face, sickening her along with the taste of
liquoir still on her lips
from his kiss. He then removed his hand from her head
and ripped her shirt
open, grabbing for her breast before he started to
fumble at her jeans, his
other hand never leaving it's place on her chest.

While he was occupied with the slightly difficult task
of opening her pants
with one hand, she frantically searched the top of the
desk for anything she
could use as a weapon. He was already pushing her
jeans down, when her right
hand finally closed around the letter opener and she
quickly hid it behind
her back.

Mac waited for a chance to bring her weapon between
them, to force him back
and away from her. But it wasn't that easy. Despite
being drunk, Mic was ever
on guard, never lessening the pressure on her ribs.
The pain made her dizzy
and shaky. He left her in her underwear and started
opening his own pants.

Some guardian angel must have been watching over Mac,
because he didn't
manage to open it with one hand. His fingers were
trembling too much with
arousal. He had to use his second hand and once freed
from his hard grasp, Sarah
quickly brought the letter opener between them,
forcing him to step back. He
stared at her unbelievingly, his eyes colder than ice
and all the same fiery
with rage and hate.

Mac was still panting heavily, her lungs somehow not
working fully. She
wrapped her free arm around her chest to keep it from
hurting so much and
clouding her mind.

They'd stared at each other for a couple of minutes,
before Mac had
recovered enough to be able to speak, "You leave me
alone, sign those papers and I'll
forget what just happened. You'll go back to Australia
and you'll never hear
from me again. I never meant to hurt you, Mic. I'm
sorry."

"You don't believe, I'll let you off that easily!?!"
he spat out. "You are
MY wife. You're mine, I won't let Rabb have you!"

"This has nothing to do with him."

"Of course it has, it's always been him! Because of
him you couldn't love
me! Why couldn't you just love me, Sarah?" his voice
was almost whiny and Mac
felt the guilt rushing over her again. She slowly
lowered the hand with her
weapon. "I'm so sorry, Mic." she whispered, studying
the floor intensely.

She didn't see him coming but somehow felt his
movement and instinctively
raised her hand again, looking up just in time to see
him running right into
the letter opener. Paralized she watched it piercing
his skin and disappearing
inside his chest up to where her hand was still
holding it. She saw the blood
draining his shirt, saw the stunned statement on his
face, before he fell
forward and onto her. He was dead on the spot, the
weapon had cut right into
his heart.

Like in trance she pulled her hand back, her fingers
still wrapped tightly
around the shaft. His body fell to the floor with a
thump. Her legs started
moving, carrying her over to the sofa, where she sunk
down. Her gaze was
magically drawn to the blood covering her hand and the
weapon she was still
holding. She looked back and forth between that and
Mic's body as if trying to make
a connection between the two, trying to understand
what had happened.

After a while she drew her legs up to her chest and
wrapped her arms tightly
around them, staring at his still form, willing him to
move again, to stand
up. But he didn't. His eyes were still open, she could
still see his stunned
statement. That was when her gaze fell onto the almost
full bottle beside
the sofa, close to where she was sitting. Vodka. Mic's
vodka.

And a small item beside it. Her cellphone. There was
something she'd wanted
to do with that. She couldn't remember. Already
reaching for the bottle,
something made her take the phone first and push two
buttons, before she took a
good swallow from the liquior. The alcohol burned her
throat, but it felt
good. She took another sip and threw the phone across
the room.



Harm's head jerked up when his phone rang and he
quickly strode across the
room to pick it up, after he'd checked the caller ID.
It was Mac's cellphone.
At first he didn't hear a noise coming from the other
end, then something
crashed loudly and the line went dead. Hastily he
slammed he receiver down,
grabbed his car keys and left the apartment in a rush.
His mind was already
drawing the most cruel pictures when he drove across
DC in a maddening speed,
breaking about every traffic rule there was.

He arrived at Mac's place 20 minutes later and opened
the door with his
spare key as quickly as his trembling hands would
work. He immediately noticed
the heavy smell of alcohol and smoke when entering the
apartment.

Glancing around, his gaze fell on the Australian
first, shocked as he saw
the pool of blood under him. He sure as hell didn't
need an ambulance at that
point. His eyes frantically scanned the room for Mac's
form, but he spotted
her just when he'd walked around the couch, for her
body was lying on the floor
behind it. Cold fear creaped up his spine and for a
few seconds he couldn't
move and was sure his heart had stopped beating for
good. 

But then he regained control over his motor functions
and was by her side in
a few easy strides. Taking her wrist, he was relieved
to find a pulse but he
didn't miss the smalt trace of dried blood at the
corner of her mouth. He
forced himself to think rationally and pulled his
cellphone out to call for the
medics before he continued checking on her.

She stirred soon, her body racked by a small cough
that sent a new trickle
of blood from her mouth. Harm caught the smell of
alcohol from her and spotted
the empty bottle of vodka. Sighing inwardly, he cursed
himself for the
thousandths time since she'd called that he'd allowed
her, to come here alone. Mac
opened her eyes and looked at him, not really able to
focus. She giggled,
sending shivers down Harm's spine, before she slipped
back into
unconsciousness.

The ambulance arrived just shortly later and took her
to Bethesda. Harm
wasn't allowed to go with them.


Soon he was pacing the halls of the hospital,
something he seemed to be
doing an awful lot lately. Mac had been taken to
surgery, there had been some
damage to one of her lungs from a broken rib. That was
all they'd told him up to
now. He'd called Admiral Chegwidden a while ago and
he'd promised to come
over right away. Sure enough there he was, just now
entering the room.

They both waited in silence for another couple of
hours, neither in the mood
for talking. The police had arrived a half hour ago,
asking Harm about what
had happened. He told what he knew, but that was
almost nothing.

A woman in green scrubs made her way over to them now.

"Are you here with Colonel Mackenzie?"

"Yes," they both answered in unison, getting to their
feet quickly.

"She's out of surgery now. We fixed her lung and she
had some internal
bleeding in her abdomen. There was some trouble
anaesthetizing her because of the
fair amount of alcohol in her system, but she'll be
fine."

"Can we see her?" AJ asked while Harm was still trying
to digest the news.

"Sure, but she won't be awake for another few hours.
She's being settled
into her room as we speak, but you'll be able to see
her in a few minutes. The
nurse will get you."

"Thank you."


Once having permission to go in, the Admiral sent Harm
alone to give him
some time with her, even when she wasn't awake. 

When he entered the room, Harm was close to tears. The
sight of her slender
form in one of those huge hospital beds had gotten all
too familiar over the
last months. It wasn't something he cared for to see
again. Mac was hooked up
to an IV and a breathing tube. Her broken body was
covered by a thin
blanket.

He took a chair and sat down as close as possible,
wrapping his fingers
around her hand. Unbeknownst to him, it was the very
hand that had held the
letter opener just a few short hours ago. 

He sat motionless for hours, waiting for her to wake
up. When she finally
stirred, he'd almost fallen asleep, exhausted as he
was after the long day so
full of sadness and worry.

"Mac!" he tried to encourage her. "Open those brown
eyes for me, Marine."

Her lids fluttered a few times before her eyes went
open, only to be shut
again right away. Mac moaned softly and grimaced.
Hangovers were definitely
part of the reason why she'd stopped drinking.

"Mac!"

She tried to tell who ever it was, to leave her alone,
but something
wouldn't let her speak. 

Harm noticed that she was trying to talk. "You're
having a tube in your
throat, Marine. You better shut up until they remove
it and if they're smart that
won't happen for the duration of your stay," he teased
her in a vain attempt
to cover his concern.

She opened her eyes again to see his relieved smile
and couldn't be mad at
him. Harm called for the doctor, who came in to remove
the tube. Mac had to
cough a few times and sank back into her pillows
weakly before she fell asleep.


Hours later Admiral Chegwidden ordered Harm home so he
would get some sleep
himself and cleaned up. He told him to be back in the
morning, that Mac would
be sleeping anyway and Harm obeyed after the Admiral'd
threatened to
transfer him to Alaska.


When Harm was back the next morning, he saw the police
men just leaving
Mac's room. Sighing inwardly at the thought of what
was yet to come with all the
questionings and possibly a trial, he entered. Mac was
looking out of the
window. She wasn't as pale as yesterday anymore, but
he could see that she was
everything but alright.

"Go away, Harm!" she told him without turning around.
The Mackenzie brick
wall. He should have known it, she withdrew from her
friends again.

"Mac..." he started, but she interrupted him with a
glare.

"Don't! I don't need your pity, Harm. I killed him.
I'm a murderer. You
should put as much space as possible between you and
me!"

"I'm not here to pity you..." but she wouldn't let him
finish again.

"GO! Get out of here!"

Before Harm could object and try to explain everything
to her, the doctor
came in.

"Captain, I would appreciate it, if you wouldn't upset
my patient, when
she's supposed to be resting."

He wordlessly turned around and walked out, although
it was tearing him
apart inside.


Mac stared at the door through which he'd left for
another hour. She
couldn't allow him to get close to her again. She
would bring bad luck to him, he'd
even said it himself at one point in their
relationship. The words were still
ringing in her ears. 

'Everybody who's ever been involved with Mac is either
dead or feels like
they are!' That was years ago, but she'd never
forgotten it. It'd hurt so much
to hear him say that and yet it was so true. The list
of her dead exes was
getting longer, two had even died by her own hand. She
wasn't worthy to be
happy, she didn't deserve it. Her father had been
right and fate had shown her
that so many times already. 


Harm returned every day after work but somehow never
made it through the
door to her room. Fear to be rejected and unsecurity
kept him from doing so. How
could he help her when she didn't want him to?

When he came to Bethesda two weeks later, the nurse
told him that Mac had
been released earlier today. He wondered, why she
hadn't told anyone. But then,
she'd built that wall again. Her protection from the
outer world was firmly
in place. She'd made clear that she didn't want any
help.

Harm wondered, where she might have gone. After all,
her apartment was a
crime scene now. Suddenly worried, he took off quickly
and rushed over to
Georgetown.

It was already dark outside and there were no lights
up at her place, but he
decided to check it out anyway. The door was ajar, the
living room behind it
was dark.

The lights went on with a flicker, when he turned the
switch. Mac wasn't
here. He searched the whole place and he was sure that
she'd been here earlier,
but now it was empty.

He tried her cellphone for the umpteenths time, but
she didn't answer it.
Defeated, Harm returned to his own place. He would
have gone looking for her,
if he'd only known where to start. Maybe she would be
in for work tomorrow.

If he'd looked around when he got out of the car at
his place, he would have
seen a lone figure standing in the shadows on the
other side of the street. 

Mac watched her partner emerging out of his car and
disappearing through the
front door of the building. The pouring rain mixed
with the tears on her
cheeks. She couldn't go to him, although she would
have desperately needed to
talk to someone. But she was no good to the people
around her, she couldn't
drag Harm or any other of her friends deeper into
this.


After another week on medical leave Mac returned back
to JAG, the mask of
the no nonsense Marine firmly in place. Harm spotted
her, when she entered the
bullpen. She looked alone. The sound of her office
door slamming shut behind
her had something final.

He tried to approach her a few hours later, but she
turned him down in her
normal businesslike manner. She'd withdrawn into her
shell again and closed it
for everyone, who wanted to be allowed in. Harm didn't
know a way to change
that. 

He'd never heard what had happened the day Mic died.
He didn't even know if
she was right to feel guilty. But there were no
charges filed against her. He
didn't know why and how, but appearantly Mac was the
only one who thought
that she'd murdered Mic.


Harm helplessly watched her fading away the next few
weeks. She did her job,
won her cases, but everyone who knew Sarah Mackenzie
saw that a huge part of
her was missing. She didn't talk about personal things
anymore, she didn't
even visit little AJ. She moved out of her old place
but didn't tell a soul
other than the Admiral so he could update her file.

 
It was then that they got another case assigned.
Together. In California.

They moved into their adjoining hotel rooms the same
day the Admiral had
informed them about the case. There was a time, when
they would have appreciated
that kind of sleeping arrangment, but now it was
nothing but awkward for the
both of them.

"Captain, do you want to get settled in first, or can
we start interviewing
some people?" Mac inquired, just when Harm was about
to disappear into his
room.

"Shouldn't you get some rest? You were injured not
that long ago..." he
drifted off when she passed him an angry glare.

"I'm fine and I can take care of myself!"

"I'm worried, so sue me!"

"Not as long as you mind your own business!"

Sighing Harm turned around and entered his room. He
closed the door behind
him and leaned back against it, not knowing that Mac
did just the same right
now. Why was everything so difficult?

They interviewed two witnesses before Harm managed to
talk her into calling
it a day. Mac was exhausted but she hid it very well.
He could see it only
because he knew her so well. They both ate at their
respective rooms and went
to sleep without exchanging another word.

Harm awoke in the middle of the night. Not sure what
had disturbed his
peaceful slumber, he sat up in his bed and tried to
listen. There was somebody
talking, but he was alone in his room. His eyes fell
on the door leading to
Mac's room. 

He got up noiselessly and wandered over there to put
his ear to the door.
The voices came from her room. When he listened a bit
longer, he realized that
it was just Mac's voice. No one else was in there. Was
she dreaming?

Harm tried the handle on the door. It wasn't locked,
neither of them had
bothered to check it. He poked his head into her room
not sure what to do. If
she would catch him in here, she would kick his six to
Timbuktu. But his
concern won over and he entered. 

Mac was still asleep and to judge by her tossing and
turning, she was in the
middle of a nightmare. Harm walked over to the bed. He
could still hear her
talking in her sleep.

"No! Don't, please don't!"

Then she started sobbing and Harm couldn't stand it
any longer. He reached
out for her arm to wake her up.

Mac jumped out of the bed faster than he could react
and withdraw his hand
again. Now she stood beside it, staring at him full of
fear. 

"It's okay, Mac. It's just me," he tried to soothe
her. 

She relaxed a little bit and the fear in her eyes gave
way to anger. "What
the hell are you doing in my bedroom, Captain?!?"

"You had a nightmare, Mac," he answered softly,
already trying to figure a
way to talk himself out of this. Being caught in his
partners bedroom in the
middle of the night when they were at rather bad terms
anyway wasn't exactly
the safest thing to do.

"And that gives you permission to come in here and
scare me to death?"

"I'm sorry. I should have known not to sneak up on
you."

"Yes, you should have! Next time I might just kill
you, I have a track
record of doing that. Now get out of here, some of us
want to sleep!"

He trotted back to his own room and heard the sound of
the lock being
turned.

Harm woke up again early the next morning. This time
it was her main door
falling shut that rose him from his sleep. He got up
and checked on the floor
just in time to see her leaving for a morning run. 

"Mac!" he called after her.

She turned around, glaring at him annoyedly. "What?"

"Where are you going?"

"Running."

"Shouldn't you go easier on yourself? Does the doctor
know about that?"

"Captain, would you stop fussing about me. I'm fine,
not that that is any of
your business. I don't need you or anyone for that
matter to watch me. I'm
perfectly capable of taking care of myself!"

"Okay," he raised his hands on surrender. "Again,
forgive me for being
worried, Colonel. It won't happen again!" He turned
around and crawled back into
bed.


She rebuffed his attempts to get through to her for
another two days. Then
he asked her over for dinner and work, explaining that
they would be finished
sooner if they would work late. 

A knock on his door told him that she had finally
arrived - 20 minutes late.
That was not like her.

"Hey, I thought you wouldn't come."

"Lost track of time."

Harm had to grin at that. "Oh come on, Mac. You never
lose track of time!"

She realized that she'd said something wrong, but she
couldn't change that
anymore. Wordlessly she walked past him and placed
herself between the mass of
files on his bed.

They worked in silence for another two hours. When he
closed the file he'd
been reading and started to reach for the next, he
realized that Mac had
fallen asleep. He smiled softly and covered her with
the afghan that used to be on
his bed during the day, before he continued working.

Another hour had went by, when Mac suddenly started up
into a sitting
position. Harm's head jerked up when he saw the quick
movement in the corner of his
eye. She was scared again, he could see that with one
look. And now she
tried to suppress a few sobs. 

"Mac?" he asked gently, but she didn't react. She did
nothing but stare into
thin air. He carefully went over to the bed,
remembering well how she'd
reacted the last time. 

"Mac?" he tried again to get through to her. When she
remained the same, he
placed one hand on her upper arm. She deflected it in
one swift motion.

Harm was so stunned, he didn't even move out of the
way when she slapped him
across the face. Just then Mac seemed to pierce
through the fog of sleep and
shock.

"Oh my God. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you!" she
scrambled up and ran
out of the room, leaving a puzzled Harm behind.

When he'd finally processed what had happened, Harm
went after her and found
her an hour later, walking down along the beach. He
walked up behind her,
calling her as not to scare her when he suddenly
appeared.

"Mac!"

"Leave me alone, Harm!" She sounded desperate, but
doubled her speed to get
away from him.

"Stop! Wait a moment!"

"Please, just go away!" she begged. "I hurt you, Harm.
You better stay away
from me."

"Where is that coming from?" He'd finally caught up
with her and matched his
stride with hers.

"Where does it come from? Are you so blind or do you
simply find pleasure in
punishing me?"

"I'm not here to punish you. I want to help, Mac."

"You can't help me. Accept it, I'm truly a daughter of
my parents." She
stopped and turned to face him, a mixture of anger,
hurt and bitterness crossing
her features. "How did you put it? 'Everyone who's
ever been involved with
Mac is either dead or feels like they are!' You were
right, so you better stay
away from me!" She picked up speed again, Harm
following closely.

"I'm sorry, Mac. If I could undo that, I would in a
heartbeat. But it's not
true."

"Look at the facts! I can't even count the persons
whose lives are destroyed
because of me on one hand anymore. And I just hurt
you! You, the one I..."
she drifted off with a small sob. "The one I call my
best friend and the one I
trust most. The one person in my life I can turn to,
right or wrong."

Harm was momentarily stunned by her words. He'd never
thought that she
valued him that much, not after all that'd happened at
least."It was my fault. I
should have learned my lesson last night."

"But I shouldn't have done that in the first place. I
attacked you, and
you're by far not the first one. I even killed my two
husbands. I'm like my
parents, I keep hurting the people I care about."

"Oh, Mac. That's not true."

"But it is. Can't you see it?"

"For starters you did not kill your husbands. Chris
died by accident and I
don't know what happened that night with Mic, but
appearantly the police don't
think that you're responsible. I think, I'm as guilty
as you are. I
shouldn't have let you go there alone. And I'm so
sorry."

"It's not your fault, Harm. I stabbed him." She had
stopped to look at him
but couldn't stand his gaze any longer now. "My hand
held the weapon that
killed him, it was my fault," she whispered. "And it
was my fault that we got to
that point in the first place. I failed him. I wasn't
a good wife. God Harm,
I needed this to work. I needed this marriage to work
so badly."

"You have to stop feeling responsible for everything
that happens around
you. Eddie, Dalton, Chris and now Mic. They all died
by accident - none were
your fault."

"Excuses, nothing but excuses. If you just take the
situation that brought
us here. Why in the world was I slapping you? Why did
I do that? Why do I have
to keep hurting the people around me? You should all
bring as much distance
between me and yourselves, I'll just hurt you."

He carefully reached out for her, not sure if it was
smart to touch her just
now. But when he didn't find any sign of rejection, he
continued and hooked
his finger under chin to turn her towards him and meet
his gaze.

"Mac, you've been abused. You're having nightmares
about it. Don't even try
denying it. I was there the other night, I heard you
talking in your sleep.
It's only natural for you to overreact if somebody
touchs you unexpectedly.
And you don't keep hurting people, that's not true.
You bring so much to the
lives of your friends every day. And they want you
back."

Tears started falling from her eyes and he wiped them
away before he cupped
her cheek in his hand. "You know, your godson has been
asking for you. He
misses you. Bud and Harriet and of course the Admiral,
they've all been worried
about you. And do you know what it did to me to watch
you fading away? I'm
not concerned about you hurting me. You helped me
through so much in my life. I
would have died or destroyed my own life more than
once if it hadn't been
for you. The only way you can hurt me is, when you do
that. When you don't let
me in but make me watch helplessly."

She was crying hard by now, and Harm knew nothing to
do but to take her in
his arms and hold her. That moment everything around
them was forgotten, all
that mattered was right here in his arms. He buried
his nose in her hair,
whispering soothingly into her ear, telling her that
everything would be okay. 

"I'm so glad you're here," she mumbled into his chest
a while later. Her
voice was heavy with tears, but still she somehow
sounded relieved and more at
ease.

"There's nowhere I'd rather be. I still care about you
very much."

"I don't know what I did to deserve that."

"Stop making yourself so small," he chided her gently.
"I won't let you
wallow in self-pity, Marine."

"I'm sorry, I guess that's pretty much what I did."

"You had a good reason, but it's time to stop that.
You have me to feel
sorry for you," he teased her.

"Harmon Rabb! Don't make fun of me!" She tried to look
serious, but failed
as soon as he flashed her his infamous grin. Instead
one of her own smiles
started spreading across her face.

"It's getting really late, we should go back."

"Yeah, we should." She looked out over the ocean.
"This is not going to
change when we get back, is it? I mean, we're okay
now? You're not mad at me for
treating you like a piece of...I won't go there."

"I'm not mad at you," he passed her another smile as
if to prove his point.
"And we'll stick together from now on, no matter what.
At least I hope so."

"I'll try my best, but feel free to knock some sense
into my head as soon as
I have another case of temporary insanity."

"I might just do that, even without insanity."

"Don't you dare!" She shot him a warning glare before
reaching for his hand
and he wrapped it around her smaller one. United like
that, they walked back
to their hotel, where they wished each other good
night.


Something made Harm rest uneasily and around midnight
he gave up on trying
to make sleep come to him. He got up and continued
searching through the files
instead. Short time later he heard the softly patting
sound of bare feet and
looked up to see his partner standing in front of him,
clad in a tank top
and shorts.

"Can't sleep?" she asked him yawning.

"No. And you don't look like you did much either.
What's wrong?"

"Woke up."

"I didn't wake you, did I?"

"No, weird dream."

"You had another nightmare?"

"Sort of." She sat down on his bed beside him, staring
down at the floor.

"Hey. Want to tell me what it was about?"

"I'm not sure."

"Not sure what it was about, or not sure if you'd like
to talk to me about
it?"

"The latter."

"You know that I'm here if you want to talk."

"Yeah, I know. Thanks."

He sensed growing uneasiness from her. She came here
for some reason. Must
have been an awful dream if the strong Marine came to
him in the middle of the
night, scared like a small child.

"I think, I should go back. Go, get some sleep, Harm.
Those files can wait
until tomorrow."

"No, stay," he spoke up. "I mean, if you like to stay,
you can. I mean, I
won't be sleeping anyway and..."

Mac smiled when he was stumbling over the words like
Bud used to do.

"I'd love to stay. But we won't be any good tomorrow
if we don't get some
rest."

"What brings me back to 'Why did you wake up?'"

"I told you that already."

"But the Mac I know wouldn't come to me in the middle
of the night because
she had a nightmare. Don't get me wrong, you're always
welcome here and I'm
glad you trust me that much. But why did you come
here? I can't help you if you
don't tell me what's wrong." His voice was soft and
gentle and he looked
right into her eyes, searching for any sign of an
answer.

"I'm scared," she admitted silently after a while.

"Scared of being alone?"

"I don't know, just scared. I should go."

"No, don't go." He took her hand and held her back,
not willing to let her
run away from him. "What scared you?"

She took a deep breath before she continued. "I
dreamed about the day Mic
died. I...I saw it happening again. I've been dreaming
about it a lot and I
guess, I'll have to live with that. But this time,
when he fell down to the
floor and his eyes stood still open, piercing me with
that glare of reproach. It
was you, Harm."

"But I'm here, I'm alive. It was just a dream." He
tried to calm her. His
hand gently stroked up and down her back.

"I know that, but it scares me anyway. I just had to
check on you after
that, that's why I came here. And now...I'm afraid if
I leave, I'll dream that
dream again."

"Want to try and sleep here?"

"Would you mind if I do?"

"No. I can just sack out on..." he looked around the
room, but the only
thing to sleep on beside the bed was a small sofa.

"No way, Harm. You're going to be sore tomorrow, if
you sleep there. It's
about half your size! I'll take the sofa."

"Like you aren't going to be sore. I bet your ribs are
still healing. Broke
a few myself a few years back, I know everything but a
bed leaves you sore.
I'm on the sofa."

"We're both adults, Harm. I think we can handle
sleeping in the same bed."

"Are you sure?" he asked, remembering her reaction
when he'd just touched
her in her sleep last night. How would it turn out if
he was lying beside her?
"Sure you're not going to be up all night because
every time either of us
bumps into the other you'll think..."

"...that it's Mic?" she finished for him. "I can't
guarantee that I won't
wake up, but I know it's you and I trust you."

"Okay, let's use what's left of the night then." He
grinned mischieviously.

"Use it to sleep, Harm!" she warned him goodnaturedly.

They both slipped under the covers and he turned off
the lights. Harm tried
to arrange his huge frame beside her in the rather
small bed. Mac laid still
for a while, smiling inwardly at his attempts to grant
her as much space as
possible.

"I won't bite, Sailor."

"I didn't think you would, I was just trying..."

"Whatever you were trying, stop it! Just get
comfortable."

"Okay, as you wish." He dropped his large arm over her
slender form
protectively when he snuggled up from behind her.

"Ou, that's not comfortable! You're heavy," she
protested.

"I'm sorry, did I hurt you?"

"No, don't worry. Just the ribs. Now, lie still and
let me handle that!" Mac
smiled at him while she arrangend them in the small
space of the bed.
Finally he ended up on his back with her head on his
chest.

"Okay?" she asked.

"Very okay."

"Good Night, Sailor.

"Good Night, Ninja Girl."


The few hours left of the night passed by eventlessly
and all too quickly.
Harm groaned when the annoying beeping of his alarm
clock wouldn't stop
disturbing his sleep. His arm started to move into the
general direction of the
nightstand when he became aware of the weight keeping
it down. He drowsily
opened his eyes and his gaze fell on the sleeping form
of his partner, still lying
safely in his arms.

Harm had to smile at the sight. Now there was a
picture he could get used to
waking up to.
He carefully reached around her to stop the alarm
without waking her up.
Then he laid back and enjoyed watching her a bit
longer. His watch told him they
needed to get going if they were to be on time for
work. But he couldn't
bring himself to wake her up. 

Whenever they had been out together on a case, she had
always been the first
to wake up in the mornings, usually dragging his six
out of the bed. Not
literally of course. And here she was, sleeping in. 

After five more minutes he carefully extracted himself
out from under her
and noiselessly crossed the room, heading for the
bathroom.

Harm was surprised to still find her fast asleep upon
his return. She really
must be exhausted. Probably didn't get any good sleep
ever since Mic's
death. And very likely not before that either.
Watching her chest rise and fall
rhythmically for another minute, he finally decided to
just let her sleep. A
short note was written down quickly and left on the
pillow beside her before he
left.


Mac awoke about three hours later, when the sun had
moved around to shine
through the window, tickling her nose with her rays.
She yawned and stretched
before realization of her surroundings and her sense
of time kicked in and she
started up, suddenly aware that she was terribly late
for work. She caught
sight of a small object fluttering down from the bed
in the corner of her eye.
Leaning over the bed's edge, she picked up the note
Harm had left.

A soft smile started to creep over her face when she
read it, he was so
sweet. But nevertheless it wasn't right what he did
and he would get his share
for doing that. Letting her sleep in on a work day,
what the hell was going on
in this man's mind? But first she would hug him for
being so thoughtful. 

She entangled herself from the sheets and moved back
to her own room.

When Harm returned around lunch time, she was sitting
on his bed again,
files piling up around her. Mac looked up when the
door opened and greeted him
with a smile, only to receive one in return. 

"Hey, Sleeping Beauty!"

"Hey yourself. I'm torn between hugging and chiding
you for doing that,
Harm!"

"Do I have any say in this? I'll take the hug then,"
he countered.

"That'll have to wait until I dig myself out of those
files again. Found
anything helpful on the case?"

"Nope, I'm officially admitting that I'm at a total
loss here."

"Good for you to have me, because I had more luck than
that!" She showed him
what she'd found and they delved into more of the
files to confirm her
theory. After lunch they continued interviewing a few
key witnesses and soon they
were on the right path to solve the case. 

"We really make a good team, partner!" Harm stated
over dinner at his room.

"Yeah, we do. I missed that so much."

"So did I. I missed my best friend. Whenever I would
have a bad day at the
office or something wasn't right, I turned around to
go and search for you,
before I remembered that we weren't that close
anymore."

"I'm so sorry" she whispered, drawing her gaze away. 

"It wasn't only your fault, Mac. I'm at least as much
to blame. I wasn't
being a friend, I should have..."

"Shh" she silenced him with her finger to his lips.
"No more blame. Let's
forget about that and move on."

The air was singing with electricity when her fingers
touched the soft skin
of his lips. Harm stared intensely into her eyes.
Those beautiful brown eyes
he'd fallen in love with when he first saw her. Of
course it had been the
uncanny resemblance to Diane that had startled him at
first but even before he'd
managed to mobilize his hand again and grab for hers
back then in the rose
garden, he'd been magically drawn to her eyes. As much
as she could have
passed for Diane's identical twin, it was the eyes
that made the difference. 

He'd gotten lost in Sarah's eyes whenever he would
look at her, they were so
big and the never fading sadness, reflecting all the
trials fate had thrown
at her, made them all the more attractive to him. 

Harm took her hand in his, never breaking eye contact.
He unconciously
rubbed her knuckles while a smile started spreading
over his face. "Let's move
on," he repeated her last words in a whisper. "I like
the sound of that. We'll
get it right this time, Sarah."

"I hope we will," she answered, the gentleness in her
voice matching his.

"I promise."



THE END