Title: Maybe
Author: Benedetta (feedback is highly appreciated, to
be posted to: benedettaonjag@yahoo.com.au)
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Don’t own ‘em… never did, never will.
Spoilers: Everything up to Boomerang II
Summary: Why did Mac take that ring?
Author’s notes: October 2002.  It’s my very first
fanfic.  I know it’s a bit out of date, but no one
really dealt with why the hell did Mac accept Mic’s
ring (and what very likely she did along with taking
it – shippers shuddering at the thought!) and I felt
like doing it.  Hope it’s not too bad, "be gentle". 
Thanks to Tammy for betaing.

 

Why exactly did I do this?  The question keeps roaring
in my head.
 
WHY WHY WHY WHY…  

I listen to his peaceful breathing, as he lays here
next to me.  I’m with a stranger in a strange bed.  It
was not supposed to be like this, I was not supposed
to be here at all.  Why did I do this?  Trouble is I
know the reason all to well, but it doesn’t help any. 
The reason is a tall and handsome sailor, brilliant
lawyer too.  Unfortunately, not the one laying next to
me now.

Harm pushed me away once again. He’s been doing it for
a long while now.  Maybe even from the beginning. 
Then, the excuse was that I stirred long lost painful
memories of Diane.  I can understand that: “Hello!
Meet the woman who’s a dead ring of the first woman
you really loved, the one you’ll never have a chance
with, because Destiny decided otherwise”.  It mustn’t
have been pleasant.

For a long time, I thought he saw only her looking at
me.  But, then, we started growing closer everyday in
this partnership, learning how to trust each other. 
You know, it was strange for me to trust someone, to
lean onto someone, giving my personal history.  I was
so used to handle everything by myself, never letting
my guard down.  Harm went beyond those barriers.  He
earned my trust, he earned my respect and, before I
knew it, he won my heart as well.  

I realised just how important he was for me, when he
decided to go back to flying.  It’s such an important
part of him, flying, I know that and I wouldn’t take
him any other way. It’s just the way Harm is: the
jet-jockey flyboy, cocky and arrogant, lager than life
and so sure of himself that at times it’s scary. 
That’s what he is.  Along with being the caring
friend, who stood by me, even when I wouldn’t have bet
on me myself, being the man seeking truth and justice,
brave beyond belief.  On top of this, flying is also
the closest tie he has got to his father. 

Knowing it ‘though, didn’t help the way I felt:
betrayed, abandoned; yet another person I loved was
leaving me behind, just like my mum did.

But he came back.  I know I wasn’t exactly the
cheerleader of the welcoming committee, when he did,
but I was scared.  Terrified, in fact, that, if I
allowed him into my heart again (get real, MacKenzie,
when exactly did you ever kicked him out of it?  As
if…), he would hurt me again, just as bad as he did
when he left, just as bad as on the Waverton, when he
told me we were not into a marriage, just as bad as
when Chris died.

I don’t know what possessed me to say what I said on
that damned ferry last night.  It was just that all
the feelings I fought with in the past year, all the
feelings I kept carefully bottled up into my heart,
couldn’t take it anymore and had to get out.  Maybe
“location doesn’t change who we are”, as Harm said,
but sure as hell it makes you feel less the restraints
of regs, the fear of consequences.  Or maybe the
Aussie sun is too strong, even for a jarhead like me,
and it fried my brain, I’m not sure.  Is there
anything I am sure about at the moment?

Mic pulls me slightly closer into his embrace, without
waking up.  

… Mic…  

Mic turned up tonight, wearing his heart on his
sleeves, offering me everything I ever dreamed of,
pursuing me, like no one had before, making me feel so
loved and wanted, right when I felt I was worth
nothing.  I don’t love him, I know I don’t, but I love
the way he makes me feel, like the most amazing thing
that could happen to a man.  It’s a powerful feeling,
especially when most of your life led you to think
otherwise.  God, I know, it’s wrong, I know he
deserves someone who can love him with her whole
heart, but right now wearing his ring is so tempting.

Maybe it would even make Harm realise I AM worthy of
something, maybe it would make him realise he has
feelings for me (because I keep thinking, against
impossible odds, that he does.  I must be delusional),
maybe it could work.  Maybe, just maybe…