Title: Kissing Her Goodbye II
Author: StarTrails
Rating: PG
Spoiler: Death Watch
Disclaimer: I do not own JAG and am making no profit from this.
Feedback: Yes, please!  Address is StarTrails@hotmail.com
Summary: The episode Death Watch revisited, with an alternate, somewhat 
shipper ending.
Notes: I've always thought the ending of Death Watch left something
to be desired. Don't get me wrong, it was a fantastic ep (especially
since I never saw the "lost" episode Skeleton Crew). And who could
complain about that kiss? But then they just walk back to their cars
and that's it? I think not... Anyway, I've written 2 versions of
this, one focused on Harm, one on Mac.  The two pieces describe the 
same 
action and are very similar, with most of the dialogue being the same. 
But 
there's a big enough difference in what H&M were thinking that it 
warranted 
me writing both. Enjoy.

Kissing Her Goodbye (Mac-focus)

Harm's Apartment
North of Union Station
19:00 EST


Mac shook the rain off her umbrella and knocked on the door. Harm
answered, and Mac couldn't read the expression on his face. Was it
surprise? Fear? Disappointment?

"Mac? What are you doing here?"

"What do you mean, what am I doing here."

Harm looked like a balloon which someone was quickly letting the air
out of. "The Lieutenant Murphy court martial..."

"Yeah. You were supposed to make dinner, we were gonna talk about
the case."

"Mac, something's come up. I'm gonna have to take a raincheck. Let
me get my jacket and I'll walk you out."

Something felt fishy. It wasn't like Harm to forget about a case.
Granted, Lieutenant Murphy wasn't exactly one for the record books,
but they'd planned this "working dinner" a few days ago, and Mac had
hoped Harm was looking forward to it as much as she was. But
apparently she was mistaken.

Harm went to grab his jacket, and he called to her, "I'm really
sorry. An old shipmate's in town, and I haven't seen him in years."

Mac could smell the lingering scent of a cigar, and her suspicions
were confirmed when she looked over at the coffee table and saw one
smoldering itself out in an ashtray. A flash of lightning gave a
moment of brightness to the otherwise dark apartment, and allowed Mac
to catch a glimpse of some pictures on the table as well. Unable to
control her curiosity, she went over and picked one up. If she
didn't know better, she could've sworn that the woman in the photo,
the Navy Lieutenant, was herself. She stood motionless, staring into
her own brown eyes, and only tore herself away when she heard Harm
approach.

"No wonder you looked like you'd seen a ghost. This could be me."

"Not really," Harm said. "Mac, I'm sorry about tonight, but I've got
to go. Come on, I'll walk you to your car." He turned toward the
door and Mac saw the pistol sticking out of his back pocket. Now she
was *sure* something was fishy.

"Where's you say you were going again? To see an old friend?"

"A shipmate."

"With a weapon?"

Harm's shoulders lowered visibly as he sighed. Mac leaned against
the edge of the couch and folded her arms across her chest. "Talk to
me, Harm. What's going on?"

"You only look like Diane, Mac. Your personalities are as different
as night and day."

Mac couldn't tell from his tone whether that was a good or bad
thing. But she wanted to learn. She didn't know much about
Lieutenant Schonke, the woman who could've been her twin. The woman
who'd managed to capture her partner's mysterious heart. Harm never
talked about her. Maybe it was time he did. "Tell me about her."

"We met at the Academy. After graduation, I went to flight school,
she went to crypto. Two years ago, she was returning from six months
of sea duty. We were supposed to spend a week together at her
parent's cabin in Maine. We were going to talk about the future.
Our future."

Mac could tell it was painful for Harm to talk about this, but if
that weapon was any indication, he was about to do something
drastic. As his partner and friend, Mac owed it to him to learn the
whole story, and depending on what she heard, she would either help
him all the way, or stop him from making a terrible mistake.

"What happened?"

"She was murdered." Harm said it plainly, like it was a simple fact
he'd taken a long time to come to terms with, but had finally
accepted.

It was a shock to Mac, and she prodded him, delicately, she hoped,
for more details. She hated to push; sometimes that was the surest
way to backfire with Harm. But this woman, Diane Schonke, had been an
important part of his life. Important enough that they were planning
a future together. It was a new piece to the puzzle that was Harmon
Rabb, Jr. Since Mac had known him, even in his recent relationship
with Annie, he never talked about long term plans. She could only
imagine what might've been so special about Diane.

Harm indulged Mac for a few more minutes, and told her about
Lieutenant Lamb, whose penchants for lying and telling off-color
jokes had made Harm dislike him from the start. He also mentioned the
Seahawk's XO at the time, Commander Hobarth, and how Diane had
threatened to file a formal complaint against him for sexual
harassment.

She wasn't the first, Mac thought, and certainly not the last. The
figure and features she shared with Diane were mostly a blessing, but
at times could be a curse. They weren't exactly the image that came
to most people's minds when they thought of soldiers or sailors.

Harm went on a bit more about the ridiculous theory involving
Lieutenant Williams, Diane's roommate on the Seahawk. Lightning
flashed occasionally as he spoke, and the blue-white light only made
Harm's stony expression more dramatic. She'd never seen such a look
on his face before. Part determination, part anxiety, part cold,
solid certainty.

Harm headed toward the door and indicated for Mac to do the same.

"That's it? Come on, counselor! You can't leave me hanging. What
about Lamb, or Williams, the roommate?"

Harm sighed and walked back to the kitchen. He prepared a pot of
coffee. Mac listened intently while Harm told her about Agent
Turquey from NCIS, and about Commander Krennick, neither of whom were
satisfied with his objectivity. Or lack thereof.

"Krennick's a legend," she said. "I heard you threw her more red
lights than the Beltway at rush hour." Mac had no respect for a
senior officer who used her position to threaten, and worse, to
proposition, someone her junior. But, she had to admit, in one
glaring way, they were kindred spirits, she and Krennick.
Both women vied for, and were denied, the attention of a certain sexy
JAG lawyer. Mac was beginning to accept that, like Krennick before
her, her relationship with Harm would always be about briefcases and
litigation, not flowers and candlelight dinners.

"Come on, Mac," Harm said. "I wouldn't get involved with a senior
officer any more than you would." Little did he know, Mac thought.
But at least with Farrow, the attraction, and even moreso, the
respect, had been mutual. It was about a man and a woman, not a
Colonel and his junior officer.

"More coffee?" Harm asked.

Lost in her fond memories of John, she could only shake her head no.

Harm continued on about Turquey, and their butting heads over
possible suspects and motives. From the way Harm spoke about him,
Turquey seemed to have an unnatural, almost personal stake in the
investigation. But Mac couldn't make heads or tails of it. It was
just one more loose end in the complicated story Harm was telling
her. For his sake, she struggled to make sense of the details. She
couldn't let him leave if he was going to do something stupid. Not
when she could prevent it.

Harm finished his coffee and set the cup in the sink. "Mac, I've
really gotta leave now." Mac walked to the door and paused
there. "You want me to lock you in or out?"

Mac stepped into the hallway, and after the elevator ride was made in
silent tension, they were outside by Harm's car. It was pouring
harder than it had in recent memory, and the fierce wind blew the
rain to all angles. Mac felt the chill immediately and tried to keep
herself dry. But Harm ran for his car, and she wasn't about to let
him drive off without knowing exactly where he was headed and what he
intended to do once he got there.

She made a break for his corvette and was in the passenger seat
before he even started the engine. "Make your case."

"Mac..."

"Come on, counselor, make your case!"

"What is this, a trial?"

"Do you see a judge and jury in here? Make your case to *me,* Harm.
Your partner. Your friend." Harm shot her a look that left no
question his patience was wearing thin. Mac softened her tone. "Is
it Lieutenant Lamb, Harm? Is he the one you're seeing tonight?"

"Lamb's dead, Mac!"

She was thrown for a loop. She was sure Lamb was a key player in
this. Harm had said too much about him for it to be a dead end.
Unless...unless he was intentionally leading her astray. "What
happened?"

"The official report says suicide."

"But you don't buy that."

"Mac, you don't shoot yourself holding the gun in your right hand if
you're left-handed."

"Krennick and Turquey missed that?"

"It wasn't in their report."

"How did you figure it out?"

"I was looking at the files again a few days ago. I don't know how
it escaped me before. But Lamb was no suicide. He was murdered, by
Diane's killer."

Mac's mind raced through the welter of names and theories Harm had
presented her with during the evening. "Oh my--wait, was Turquey the
NCIS agent aboard the Seahawk?"

Harm let out a heavy sigh and looked down at his lap while he
spoke. "It took me two years to figure out what just took you an
hour."

It was Turquey. "So he was on the cruise the whole time. He knew
Diane."

"He did more than that, Mac. He murdered her." No matter how brave,
how committed to purpose Harm was, he sounded, Mac thought, like
nothing so much as a scared little boy. "I found some letters," he
continued, "but they're inadmissible in court. They're upstairs.
I'll show you."

For the first time that night, Mac felt some measure of relief. If
she could keep him in his apartment, maybe she could keep him from
doing something that might end his career. Or possibly his life.

She stepped out of the car and had taken but two steps back toward
the building when she heard Harm rev the engine. She turned to him
sharply and saw him salute her, like he knew it would be for the last
time. Through the hard rain falling between them, she could still
make out the steely, ice-cold determination on his face.

Damn you, Harmon Rabb. It was the only coherent thought she was
capable of as the Corvette sped away. She watched it get smaller and
smaller, until the red speck disappeared, enveloped by the foggy
darkness.

Her Marine mode kicked in quickly and she fought off the chill from
being soaking wet. She ran to her car and called Bud on her cell
phone as she headed to Falls Church. She hated to ruin Bud's
evening, but she knew he had served on the Seahawk with Lieutenant
Schonke.

It was slow going in the rain, and Mac's heart pounded with
impatience. She prayed she and Bud would be able to figure this out
before Harm did something stupid, dangerous, or career-ending. Or
all three. After what seemed like an eternity, she parked her car
and ran up to the office, where, thankfully, Bud was already hard at
work on the computer.

"Hi ma'am," Bud said. He heard Mac sneeze and noticed her shivering
slightly. "Ma'am, if you'd like to dry off, you can borrow one of
Harriet's uniforms. She keeps an extra one here.

"Thanks, but I don't think it'll fit."

"Well, maybe not this way, but *this* way..." He shifted his hands
from vertical to horizontal, just close enough to Mac's breasts to be
questionable. "Oh God, I am sooo sorry, Major."

"It's all right." Bud could be such a prude sometimes, Mac thought.
It was hard to believe he was a sailor. "Bud, did you know
Lieutenant Schonke?"

"Not very well, but we all knew each other to an extent."

"What was she like?"

Bud looked up from the computer and his eyes met Mac's. "Just look
in a mirror, ma'am."

"You never mentioned it."

"Commander Rabb...he never said anything, but it seemed like he
didn't want--"

"Yeah." She and Bud discussed the case, and Bud found contact
information for Lieutenant Williams. "What about Turquey, the NCIS
agent. What was he like?"

"Oh, he was all right, I guess. There wasn't time to get to know
him. I answered his questions like everyone else, and he went on
with his business."

"Aboard the ship."

"Ma'am?"

"You mean...dammit. Turquey wasn't the agent on the Seahawk?"

"No ma'am. As far as I know, he worked out of the Norfolk office."

For the second time that night, Mac cursed Harm's name. She paced
back and forth, contemplating her next move. There were so many
names in the story Harm had told her. And who knew how much of it
was true in the first place? There were so many pieces to add up, so
many loose ends. Who's left, Mac thought. Who hasn't fallen into
place? The roommate, and Hobarth.

Mac didn't buy the motive Lieutenant Williams would've had. It just
didn't feel right, even from what little Harm said about her. Well,
assuming that hadn't been a lie, like the NCIS agent. What a fool
she was. She couldn't decide what hurt more - Harm lying to her, or
him not asking for her help from the beginning.

She knew he had done it to protect her, but dammit, who would protect
*him?* Who would protect him from Diane's killer? The person who
murdered both Diane and Lieutenant Lamb had eluded the authorities
this long. Whoever it was was obviously ruthless, and would think
nothing of killing Harm in cold blood.

Mac couldn't let that happen, whether Harm wanted her help or not.
After all, just recently, Harm had risked his life when he went after
Coster to help her. That's what partners were for. Partners and
friends. And hadn't they been both since the very beginning, since
their first assignment together? Hanging out of the helicopter over
the Arizona desert, when they had gone to retrieve the Declaration of
Independence. "Permission to come aboard," Harm had asked.
"Permission granted," Mac answered. Permission to come into the
helo, into her life, into her heart. And she'd be damned if he was
going to leave those last two tonight.

Mac sneezed again. "Y'know, Bud, I think I will take you up on that
offer for Harriet's uniform."

"Sure thing, ma'am. It's hanging in the coat closet."

"Thanks, Bud. While I go change, see if you can find a current
address for Commander Hobarth."

"The XO, ma'am?"

"The very one." He was a sexual harasser, Mac knew. Maybe he was
also a murderer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mac had the gas pedal to the floor as she and Bud sped through the
storm to Norfolk. She was thankful for Bud's memory and incredible
resourcefulness. It hadn't taken him long to look up Commander
Hobarth and discover that his current ship was docking tonight.

The car screeched to a halt and Mac ran down the pier to where she
saw Harm confronting Hobarth. She couldn't hear what they were
saying, but she saw Harm pull out his gun and point it at the other
man.

"Harm, don't!" she shouted as she came upon them.

Hobarth's eyes went wide and he stumbled backward. "Schonke! I'm
sorry! I didn't mean to...I'm so sorry!" In his hasty escape
attempt, he lost his footing and fell into the water, killed
instantly. What Mac would remember most about him was the look in
his eyes. The same look Harm had the moment they were
first introduced. A look that sent chills up her spine.

Harm stared at her now, shock and confusion overtaking him. "He
thought you were Diane's ghost."

Mac saw Harm's eyes through the mist and the soft white harbor
lights, and she was convinced Harm was thinking that very same thing.

"I didn't think about that," she said. "I was soaked, and Bud let me
borrow one of Harriet's uniforms." She paused and considered Harm's
face again. "Would you have killed him?"

Mac watched as Harm stared at her. His eyes were full of desire. Or
desperate longing. She wanted nothing more than to be the true
object of those feelings, but she could tell it wasn't she Harm was
seeing through the fog.

"We'll never know."

Mac watched his tortured expression, his eyes revealing to her the
battle raging in his mind. He came toward her, and she couldn't deny
him this moment, even if she'd wanted to. The kiss was innocent and
sweet. They parted slowly, and Harm's stormy, conflicted blue-green
eyes never left hers.

"I know. You were kissing her."

They walked in silence to where Bud waited near Mac's car. "Sir,
ma'am, the authorities will be in touch tomorrow. They know the
death was accidental, but they'll still need reports from you both."

"Thank you Bud," Mac said. Harm only nodded. He seemed almost in a
trance. His body was here with her and Bud, but his mind, his heart,
his soul, were in another time and place. "Harm?...Harm?" Finally,
the familiar voice brought him back. "Are you going to be all
right? Do you want me to ride back with you? Bud can take my car."

Harm turned his head slowly. "No. You go with Bud."

"Are you sure, Harm?" She reached out and put a comforting hand on
his arm.

He quickly pushed it away. "I can't...Mac...your face. I just...I
can't look at you, Mac." He took off running for his car and sped
away from the dock.

Mac stood there, looking at the condensed vapor trail left in the
wake of Harm's car.

"Ma'am," Bud said, "he didn't mean anything by that. He'll be okay."

"I know, Bud. Let's go." But she wasn't anywhere near so sure. She
let Bud choose a radio station for the drive back. She didn't care
what was on; she wouldn't be listening anyway. All her thoughts
focused on her partner. *Would* he be okay? Could he finally put
this behind him? And, would he ever be able to look at her again?

Mac took her time on the slick roads. She was in no hurry to get
back to her apartment and face a sleepless night, tossing and
turning, playing the night's events over and over in her mind, and
worrying for Harm. For herself. For them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mac dropped Bud off at JAG headquarters, where his own car was
waiting, and she drove home to Georgetown. She was thankful the
route was second nature. Her mind was in a thousand different places,
none of which was on the road. She pulled up at her apartment
building without even knowing how she'd gotten there.

Her hand shook as she inserted her key in the lock, and when she got
inside, she scrambled to do the one thing she'd wanted to do since
seeing the look on Harm's face earlier - get out of that uniform.

She couldn't deny that she'd wondered for some time now what it would
feel like to have Harm look at her with such longing and desire. And
he had looked, but it wasn't at her, and that had made it
bittersweet, and nothing like the way she imagined it might feel to
have those intelligent, sexy, complicated eyes on her. No,
tonight, Harm's tormented gaze had pierced right through her,
searching for someone else.

She stripped out of the white uniform as quickly as she could. She
put on a pair of pajama pants and a tank top and had just finished
washing her face and brushing her hair when she heard a knock at the
door. It was past 0300. Who could be here at this hour? Maybe a
neighbor was having an emergency.

Mac made her way trepidatiously to the door. Her heart sank into her
stomach when she looked through the peephole and saw Harm on the
other side. He didn't look any more relaxed than when he'd left the
pier. A storm of unreadable emotions still plagued his face.

She waited a few seconds, debating whether or not she was capable of
facing him right now. She watched as Harm checked his watch and
knocked again, this time harder. Well, she reasoned, he's the one
with the bigger problem, and if he can do this, then so could she.
Harm started to walk away, so Mac pulled the door open and stepped
into the hallway, calling his name softly so as not to wake her
neighbors.

"Harm."

He turned around, but stayed where he was. He looked uncertain, and
Mac realized he was waiting for her to call the shots. She signaled
for him to come to her.

Harm held up a pint of ice cream. "Peace offering?"

Mac looked at the floor. "I don't know if this is a good idea." She
couldn't stand it if he was going to look at her again, and be
disappointed by what he saw. She pointed to her face. "I can't
change this like I changed out of the uniform, so if it's going to
make you uncomfortable..."

He shook his head. "No, it's fine. You're fine. *We're* fine." He
looked at Mac for a moment before taking her hand in his. "Please,
Mac."

He was reaching out, and she knew it wasn't easy for him. She nodded
and let him inside. "Did I hear something about a peace offering?"

"Yeah. I hope you like mint chocolate chip."

"I love it." She led Harm into the kitchen and took two spoons out
of the silverware drawer.

"Good, because until they make hamburger flavored, this was the best
I could do for you."

Mac rolled her eyes and passed him a spoon.

"No bowls?"

"Not unless you plan on buying me a dishwasher." Mac tore the
plastic seal off the ice cream and took a spoonful. "Dig in,
Flyboy. I don't have cooties." She savored a few spoonfuls of the
cool, creamy mint dessert before Harm took some for himself.

"Thank you," Harm said softly.

"Don't thank me, Harm. It's *your* ice cream."

"No, not for that."

Mac detected a seriousness in his tone, and it caused her to look up
at him. "Then for what?"

"For letting me in the door. For calling me Flyboy. For acting like
I haven't completely ruined things between us."

She smiled at him. "Harm, you haven't."

"Please, Mac, let me finish."

"All right," she whispered.

"I owe you an apology. I was out of line back there. It was a
pretty crazy night, and for a little while, I didn't know quite who I
was. Or who you were. This whole thing's been on my mind for a few
days now, since I saw that part about Lamb being left-handed. I've
been thinking about it nonstop, and tonight, I don't know. Maybe it
was the fog, the lights..."

"The uniform."

"Yeah. Look, I shouldn't have kissed you, and I'm sorry."

"Did you love her?"

"Yes. Very much."

"Then don't be sorry."

"But Mac--"

"It's all right, Harm. I understand."

Harm smiled at her and shook his head.

"What?"

"Nothing. It's just, I knew you would. You always understand me."

"Well, we've been partners for a few years now. Maybe we're starting
to get that magical mind-meld thing. But I'll tell you one thing -
the minute I start craving tofu, it's over."

Harm laughed. "Yes ma'am."

They shared some more ice cream and decided that Harm would stay and
they'd watch the sunrise together, even if it was just through one of
Mac's windows. They moved to the couch and watched mindless
middle-of-the-night television to pass the time until the sun came
up. Mac was engrossed in a commercial for a new thigh-toning
contraption when she noticed Harm's breathing change. She looked up,
and there were tears in his eyes. She couldn't remember ever seeing
him cry before. It tore at her heart, but she was honored that he
felt safe enough with her to let go.

She sat up and Harm leaned into her, resting his head just above her
breast. She stroked his back and whispered words of comfort while he
shook and cried in her arms.

"God, I miss her, Mac. I miss her so much it hurts."

"I know," she soothed. "Harm, it's all right. Let it out."

He continued to cry away twenty-four months of suppressed feelings
until he was spent. Much calmer, he asked, "How'd I get so lucky?
How'd I get lucky enough to have not one, but two incredible women in
my life, and even have them look the same?"

Mac smiled brightly. "Well, you're not the only lucky one, y'know.
If it wasn't for you, God only knows what Coster might've done to me."

"Yeah. But hey, now that our minds are merging, next time we won't
need a tracking device. I'll know instinctively where you are."

"Next time?"

"You know what I mean."

The sky was getting lighter outside, so Mac turned off the television
and Harm followed her to the window. He put his arm around her and
they watched the orange dawn slowly burn away the receding twilight.
"Mac?" he asked.

"Hmm?"

"Last night, when you said I was kissing her..."

She was silent and waited patiently for Harm to continue.

"You were right, but not the way you think. Half of me kissed you,
hoping Diane would kiss me back. But the other half...I think I was
kissing her goodbye."

They watched the bright sunbeams begin to streak through the streets
and wake up the city as the sun crept higher and higher. Mac turned
to Harm and smiled. She stepped up on her tiptoes and gently kissed
his cheek. "Good morning, Harm."

"Yeah, it will be."


(The end.)