Title: Kissing Her Goodbye I
Author: StarTrails
Rating: PG
Spoiler: Death Watch
Disclaimer: I don't own JAG and am not making any profit from this 
story.  
Unfortunately.
Feedback: Yes, please!  If you take the time to read the story, I'd 
love to 
hear what you think.  Address is StarTrails@hotmail.com
Summary: The episode Death Watch revisited, with an alternate, somewhat 
shipper ending.
Notes: I've always thought the ending of Death Watch left something
to be desired. Don't get me wrong, it was a fantastic ep, and who could
complain about that kiss? But then they just walk back to their cars
and that's it? I think not... Anyway, I've written 2 versions of
this, one focused on Harm, one on Mac. The two pieces describe the same 
action and are very similar, with most of the dialogue being the same. 
But 
there's a big enough difference in what H&M were thinking that it 
warranted 
me writing both. Enjoy.

Kissing Her Goodbye (Harm-focus)

Harm's Apartment
North of Union Station
19:00 EST

Harm glanced at his watch. Damn. Only 19:00. Why did that ship
have to dock so late, and why did time have to go so slowly,
just when he needed it to fly? He wanted to put this to rest once
and for all. Two years was long enough for that animal to go about
his business like an innocent man. Sure, he had been stripped of a
full rank after Diane's official complaint, but he was more than a
pig and a sexual harasser. He was a murderer.

It would take Harm forever to get to Norfolk in this rain, but even
so, he had time to spare. He sat there in the mostly dark apartment,
reading her old letters and looking at pictures, as if he needed
reminding. As if he didn't see Diane in his partner's face every
day. As if he didn't ache for her every night. Even with Annie, he
missed the connection he and Diane shared. But that was something he
had come to learn: he could love many people in many ways, and each
one was separate and very unique. Not better or worse.
Just different.

A trail of smoke from his cigar filled the air around him. He took
another puff. The calming effect was all that was keeping him from
climbing the walls in impatience and anticipation. It was only
fitting that there was thunder and lightning; he'd been waiting two
years for a different kind of storm to end.

He pulled a letter out of the pile, and as he read it, he heard Diane
telling him about her liberty in Italy. After all this time, he
could still hear her voice, clear as a bell, like she was sitting
next to him. He remembered getting this letter, reading it for the
first time, and wishing he was there with her.

It suddenly occurred to him that some of the roads might be flooded,
and he should leave now in case he had to find an alternate route
down to Norfolk. He got up to load his pistol. The familiar
mechanical click gave a final seal to the bullets, and to his resolve.

There was a knock on the door. He wasn't expecting anyone. So
whoever it was would have to come back some other time, because he
had some long overdue business to take care of tonight.

He checked the peephole and instantly clenched up everywhere. Damn,
he *was* expecting her. He'd completely forgotten that Mac was
coming over for dinner and case strategy. But it could wait. Right
now, Lieutenant Murphy's court martial was the furthest thing from
his mind. And if that made him a lousy lawyer, then too bad. He'd
spent the past two years being an even lousier friend.

He tucked his gun into his back pocket and let Mac in. He told her
an old shipmate was in town and asked if they could reschedule. He
went to get his jacket, and before he could even remember they were
still sitting out, Mac caught sight of the pictures scattered on the
table. For a minute, she was motionless, and Harm realized he
must've had that same look of shock and disconcert on his face that
day in the White House Rose Garden.

Mac held up one of the photos. "No wonder you looked like you'd seen
a ghost. This could be me."

"Not really," he lied. They could've easily been twins. "Mac, I'm
sorry about tonight, but I've got to go. Come on, I'll walk you to
your car." He turned and headed for the door.

"What'd you say you were doing again? Visiting an old friend?"

"A shipmate."

"With a weapon?"

Damn, she was observant. A trait he was grateful for during
investigations, but not now. Not when it was stalling him.

"Talk to me, Harm. What's going on?"

Harm shut the door and sighed heavily. "You only look like Diane,
Mac. Your personalities are as different as night and day."

"Tell me about her."

It was clear Mac wasn't going to let him leave without an
explanation. "We met at the Academy. After graduation, I went to
flight school, she went to crypto. Two years ago, she was returning
from six months of sea duty. We were supposed to spend a week
together at her parent's cabin in Maine. We were going to
talk about the future. Our future."

"What happened?"

"She was murdered." That was all Harm could will himself to say. If
he told Mac anything more, he risked letting it overwhelm him, and
then he'd never get out of there. He couldn't tell her how, after he
learned the victim's name, he unzipped the body bag and his heart had
stopped beating. How Diane was pale and cold. How her white, white
uniform was soaked with a stark red.

Mac pressed Harm for more details, and he gave in and revealed more
information, hoping she'd be satisfied and let him leave already. He
told her about Lieutenant Lamb, how he'd lied about having a date with
Diane the weekend she was killed. He told her also about Commander
Hobarth, the XO of the Seahawk at the time, and how Diane had
threatened to file a formal complaint against him for sexual
harassment.

Mac asked question after question, like the good investigator Harm
knew her to be. He knew she was concerned, and was trying to be a
good friend, but dammit, the longer they stood there playing twenty-
one questions, the less time he had to get to Norfolk. He spouted
out a few more details and started for the door.

"That's it?" Mac asked. "Come on, counselor! You can't leave me
hanging. What about Lamb, or Williams, Diane's roommate on the ship?"

Harm sighed and walked back to the kitchen. He told Mac about Agent
Turquey from NCIS, and about his crazy line of questioning about
Diane being a lesbian. He mentioned Lieutenant Lamb's penchant for
telling dirty jokes. He'd given Harm such a bad feeling when they
met that he was immediately sure it was him. Sure enough to walk
into that diner and almost break Lamb's jaw.

Mac reached over and pulled the gun out of Harm's pocket. "Good
thing you didn't go into that diner with a weapon. You might've
killed an innocent man."

Harm revealed more about the investigation, and Allison Krennick's
name came up more times than he liked. He wasn't exactly thrilled to
see how amused Mac was by how Krennick had treated him like some
sexy boytoy instead of a Naval Officer.

Mac smiled. "I heard you threw her more red lights than the Beltway
at rush hour."

Harm poured himself a cup of coffee. If he was going to be stuck
there a little longer, he thought, he may as well make the most of
it. But Mac ought to know him better by now. "Come on, Mac. I
wouldn't get involved with a senior officer any more than you
would."

Mac looked away, and he couldn't read the expression on her face.
There was a story there, he was sure of it. But he would ask her
some other time. "More coffee?"

They talked a little while longer, and Harm tried to play up the
rivalry between him and Agent Turquey, and what he perceived to be
Lieutenant Lamb's role in all the events. He checked his watch,
finished his coffee and set the cup in the sink. He let more time
pass than he should have, and now he really needed to get out
of there.

"Mac, I've gotta leave now. I'll walk you downstairs." Just when he
thought he was home free, Mac paused at the door. "You want me to
lock you in or out?" Finally, Mac stepped into the hallway and they
rode the rickety elevator down to the street.

He couldn't remember the last time it had rained this hard. He
surveyed the sky, watching for it to let up for a few seconds. It
didn't look like that would happen anytime soon, so he pulled his
jacket up to cover his head and he made a break for it. Just as he
was about to turn the key, he heard the car door slam and Mac
was beside him.

"Make your case."

"Mac..."

"Come on, counselor, make your case!"

"What is this, a trial?" Why was she doing this?!

"Do you see a judge and jury in here? Make your case to *me,* Harm."

Deep inside, he knew she was being a friend, and a damn good one.
But right now, he wished she'd just drop it.

"What about Lieutenant Lamb, Harm? Is he the one you're seeing
tonight?"

"Lamb's dead, Mac!" He yelled louder than he meant to, but if she
didn't get out of there soon, he was going to have to take her with
him to Norfolk, and the last thing he wanted was for Mac to be
anywhere near there tonight. No reason to destroy *both* their
careers.

Mac looked surprised, and Harm couldn't tell if it was from his
shouting or from the news itself. "What happened?"

"The official report says suicide."

"But you don't buy that."

"Mac, you don't shoot yourself holding the gun in your right hand if
you're left-handed."

"Krennick and Turquey missed that?"

"It wasn't in their report."

"How did you figure it out?"

"I was looking at the files again a few days ago. I don't know how
it escaped me before. But Lamb was no suicide. He was murdered, by
Diane's killer."

For a minute, Mac was lost in thought. "Oh my--wait, was Turquey the
NCIS agent aboard the Seahawk?"

Harm thought quickly. He had to get her off the trail, and out of
the car. The less she knew, the better. He let out a heavy
sigh. "It took me two years to figure out what just took you an
hour."

"So he was on the cruise the whole time. He knew Diane."

"He did more than that, Mac. He murdered her." He let her run with
her assumption and continued playing the charade for all it was
worth. "I found some letters, but they're inadmissible in court.
They're upstairs. I'll show you." It was sneaky and underhanded, he
knew, but he'd do anything to keep her away from what would happen
tonight.

Thankfully, Mac bought it and stepped out of the car. As soon as she
did, Harm started the engine and met her shocked eyes before offering
a salute and taking off as fast as he could. He watched her in the
rear-view mirror for as long as he could. She wasn't screaming, or
crying, or even moving. Mac was just standing there in the rain. He
knew he'd hurt her, and he hated himself for it, but dammit, if it
had been Mac's body in that bag on the pier that day, he'd have left
Diane standing in the rain, too.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Harm's knuckles were white on the steering wheel, and his foot was
pressing the gas pedal to the floor. Every muscle in his body was
tense with two years of pent up grief, anger, and desire for
revenge. Few things in his life surpassed Harm's respect for
justice, but tonight, simple justice wouldn't be enough. Not
for him, and not for Diane. No, revenge was the only way, and it
would be sweet.

He could feel his blood simmer the closer he got to Norfolk, and when
he got to the base and saw the USS Sheppard docked there, it was
almost to a boil. His heart pounded. He'd have plenty of time to
relax and be calm after this was finished. He had one mission on his
mind, and if completing it meant trading his gold wings and
Lieutenant Commander's bars for prison coveralls, then so be it. The
Navy would find another lawyer. Mac would find another partner. One
with less baggage. One who could at least be honest with her.

He flashed his ID at the gate and had no trouble getting past the
guard. He drove his car right onto the dock and waited until he saw
Hobarth leave the ship. Finally, he thought, stepping out of the
car. Two years. Finally. Even the rain had stopped. It had to be
a sign.

His hands were tight fists as he approached Hobarth. Even through
the dark, still-stormy air by the water, the men instantly recognized
each other. Harm passed Hobarth the letter with Diane's official
complaint.

Hobarth gave it a quick glance, knowing immediately what it was
without really looking at it. He was intimately familiar with the
words. Words so closely linked to his past.

"That complaint cost me a full command."

"It cost Lieutenant Schonke her life." And it's about to do the same
to you, Harm added to himself.

"This is inadmissible. You'd be laughed right out of court."

Harm reached into his jacket and pulled out his gun, pointing it
directly at Hobarth's chest. "I don't plan on going to court."

"Harm, don't!"

Harm and Hobarth both turned at the voice they heard, and they saw a
female Lieutenant running toward them.

"Schonke!" Hobarth's face was consumed by shock, his eyes full of an
otherworldly fear. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to...I'm so sorry!"
He stumbled backward as he tried to run away, and he fell off the
pier into the murky, black water.

Bud arrived in time to see the fall. "I'll get help," he said before
rushing back to the guard station.

"Too late," Mac said. "He was crushed between the dock and the hull."

Harm could barely move. He had just been deprived of something his
soul had been aching to do for a long time. And now, suddenly, it
was over. All he could so was stare at Mac. Or Diane. With his
mind racing, he wasn't sure anymore.

"He thought you were Diane's ghost." Only it's not her ghost, he
thought. It's *her.* She's here. And she's alive. And she's right
in front of me.

"I didn't think about that. I was soaked, and Bud let me borrow one
of Harriet's uniforms." Mac paused, trying to read the enigma on
Harm's face. "Would you have killed him?"

Mac asked him a question, but he could barely hear it over his soul
screaming Diane's name. He choked out an answer, pushing it past the
lump in his throat. "We'll never know."

He stood there, looking at...her. Her olive skin glowing in the
mist, her deep brown eyes twinkling in the harbor lights that cut
through the hazy, blue fog. Powerless to stop himself, he lowered
his face to hers.

The kiss was innocent and sweet. They parted slowly, and Harm's
stormy, conflicted blue-green eyes never left Mac's. He was lost,
stranded in time and place, somewhere between dreams and reality.

"I know. You were kissing her."

Harm continued to look at her, still mesmerized by the sight of her.
Of Mac. Of Diane. Of whichever woman was standing before him.
After several long minutes, he collected himself and he and Mac walked
slowly back to their cars. The cool mist felt good on Harm's face,
and he took a deep breath of the salty air.

Bud was waiting for them near Mac's car. "Sir, ma'am, the
authorities will be in touch tomorrow. They know the death was
accidental, but they'll still need reports from you both."

"Thank you Bud," Mac said. Harm only nodded. He hadn't felt solid
enough to speak since answering Mac's question. He was unsure of who
and where he was. He felt diaphanous, a fleeting, translucent spirit,
watching from the outside as people and events passed through him.

"Harm?...Harm?"

Finally, the familiar voice brought him back.

"Are you going to be all right? Do you want me to ride back with
you? Bud can take my car."

Harm turned his head slowly. "No. You go with Bud."

"Are you sure, Harm?" She reached out and put a comforting hand on
his arm.

He quickly pushed it away. "I can't...Mac...your face. I just...I
can't look at you, Mac." He took off running for his car and sped
away from the dock.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Harm spent the ride back to Washington cursing himself for kissing
Mac. Mac was a beautiful, desirable woman, but she wasn't Diane, and
he had no right to treat her like she was. He prayed he hadn't
completely undermined their professional relationship. Could Mac
ever feel comfortable working with him again?

Those thoughts still plagued him when he got home, and after an hour
of imagining different ways to apologize, he got back in his car. It
was the middle of the night, but he knew Mac rarely slept well, and
besides, this couldn't wait until Monday. He had to set things right
as soon as possible. He drove to Mac's apartment, making one stop at
a 24-hour grocery store.

He knocked on her door. There was no answer, and he knocked again, a
little harder. Still no answer. Not that he blamed her. If he were
her, he wouldn't want to face him either. Still, he felt terrible
that Mac might be in there, hurting and angry because of what he'd
done. He finally accepted that she didn't want to see him tonight,
and he started back down the hallway.

"Harm."

He turned around, but stayed where he was. He didn't want to impose
or intrude if she really wasn't up to it. Seeing her uncertain
expression, he immediately regretted coming here. He had no right to
show up at her doorstep and ambush her in her own home. But here he
was.

He waited patiently, and Mac finally signaled for him to come to
her. He held up the pint of ice cream he was holding. "Peace
offering?"

Mac looked at the floor. "I don't know if this is a good idea."

Harm was disappointed. It wasn't like Mac to turn him away. Even at
a time like this, when he deserved it.

Mac pointed to her face. "I can't change this like I changed out of
the uniform, so if it's going to make you uncomfortable..."

He shook his head. "No, it's fine. You're fine. *We're* fine." At
least, he hoped they would be. He looked at Mac for a moment before
taking her hand in his. "Please, Mac."

Mac nodded and let him inside. "Did I hear something about a peace
offering?"

"Yeah. I hope you like mint chocolate chip."

"I love it."

Harm followed her into the kitchen and she took out two
spoons. "Good, because until they make hamburger flavored, this was
the best I could do for you."

Mac rolled her eyes and passed her a spoon.

"No bowls?"

"Not unless you plan on buying me a dishwasher." Mac tore the
plastic seal off the ice cream and took a spoonful. "Dig in,
Flyboy. I don't have cooties."

Harm watched her savor a few spoonfuls of the creamy mint flavor
before taking some himself. "Thank you," he said softly.

"Don't thank me, Harm. It's *your* ice cream."

"No, not for that." It was hard to believe they could be silly with
each other after what had happened earlier.

Mac looked up. "Then for what?"

"For letting me in the door. For calling me Flyboy. For acting like
I haven't completely ruined things between us."

Mac smiled at him. "Harm, you haven't."

"Please, Mac, let me finish."

"All right," she whispered.

"I owe you an apology. I was out of line back there. It was a
pretty crazy night, and for a little while, I didn't know quite who I
was. Or who you were. This whole thing's been on my mind for a few
days now, since I saw that part about Lamb being left-handed. I've
been thinking about it nonstop, and tonight, I don't know. Maybe it
was the fog, the lights..."

"The uniform."

"Yeah. Look, I shouldn't have kissed you, and I'm sorry."

"Did you love her?"

"Yes. Very much."

"Then don't be sorry."

"But Mac--"

"It's all right, Harm. I understand."

Harm smiled at her and shook his head.

"What?"

"Nothing. It's just, I knew you would." It amazed him sometimes,
how connected he and Mac had become. She knew him like no one else
ever had. Not even Diane. "You always understand me."

"Well, we've been partners for a few years now. Maybe we're starting
to get that magical mind-meld thing. But I'll tell you one thing -
the minute I start craving tofu, it's over."

Harm laughed. "Yes ma'am."

They shared some more ice cream and decided that Harm would stay and
they'd watch the sunrise together, even if it was just through one of
Mac's windows. They moved to the couch and watched mindless
middle-of-the-night television to pass the time until the sun came
up. Harm watched Mac as she was engrossed in a commercial for some
new thigh-toning contraption. Just looking at her, soaking in her
features, knowing she allowed him to be so close, made him feel
better. Sadness for the love he'd lost and eternal gratitude for the
friend he'd gained combined and pulled him into a torrent of strong
emotion. He could do nothing to hold back the tears.

Mac sat up and he leaned into her, resting his head just above her
breast. He felt Mac stroke his back and whisper words of comfort
while he shook and cried in her arms.

"God, I miss her, Mac. I miss her so much it hurts."

"I know," she soothed. "Harm, it's all right. Let it out."

He continued to cry away twenty-four months of suppressed feelings
until he was spent. Much calmer, he asked, "How'd I get so lucky?
How'd I get lucky enough to have not one, but two incredible women in
my life, and even have them look the same?"

Mac smiled brightly. "Well, you're not the only lucky one, y'know.
If it wasn't for you, God only knows what Coster might've done to me."

"Yeah. But hey, now that our minds are merging, next time we won't
need a tracking device. I'll know instinctively where you are."

"Next time?"

"You know what I mean."

The sky was getting lighter outside, so Mac turned off the television
and Harm followed her to the window. He put his arm around her and
they watched the orange dawn slowly burn away the receding twilight.
"Mac?" he asked.

"Hmm?"

"Last night, when you said I was kissing her..."

Mac was silent.

"You were right, but not the way you think. Half of me kissed you,
hoping Diane would kiss me back. But the other half...I think I was
kissing her goodbye."

They watched the bright sunbeams begin to streak through the streets
and wake up the city as the sun crept higher and higher. Mac turned
to Harm and smiled. She stepped up on her tiptoes and gently kissed
his cheek. "Good morning, Harm."

"Yes, it is." And, standing next to Mac, hearing her say it, he
truly believed it.


(Part II is the Mac-focused version)