TITLE:  "In Memoriam"  Chapter 2 
           AUTHORS:  Anne R. and Pat Steiner
            SUMMARY:   Set immediately after Harm's return to the Seahawk after 
destroying the nuke.  The second of two post-Enemy Below stories we have.  These 
are both 'what if's'.  'What if' the drama did not unfold quite as it did in the episode?  
Alternative events to how Enemy Below ended.  This is the concluding chapter.
           CLASSIFICATION/RATING:  J/S/R/A     PG for language, mild violence
           SPOILERS:  In any of our work, any JAG episode may be referred to. "Enemy 
Below" especially for this one.
          FEEDBACK:  If you're so moved but never expected nor begged for.  Addy is 
ssbpmn@aol.com   Please however, we request you respect the work, and the effort 
that goes into writing it.
                 NOTE:  All parts of this story as well as much of our other work, are 
available at 
                                      
                                      http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AnniePatJAGstories
                                      
                              The message archives are open to all registered Yahoo users-no 
subbing required.  Please ignore any notice of adult content you may see-there is no 
R nor NC17 content there.
                                      
                       Other archives containing our stories:
                                      
                 http://thearchive.mine.nu:85/exlibris/ 
         or http://www.netroenterprises.com/exlibrisjag
                                                    
                                                    or the Harm-Mac shipper archive at    
http://hmarchive.topcities.com/index2.html  [sadly, not always up and running]
                                      
                                                or BTL-
                                                http://www.wtv-zone.com/trgarchive/btl/
                                                http://destined.to/btlarchive - {BTL H/M Fanfiction 
archive.}
         ++++++++++++++++
         A year ago the U.S. declared war on terrorism.  And in war people die.   All Gave 
Some; Some Gave All [Billy Ray Cyrus].  It is to Courage, in its many forms, that this 
story is dedicated.
         
         The events that will play out here are not a dream nor an hallucination.  For the 
countless thousands affected by the 4 wars my lifetime has seen, they are all too real. 
         
         We Remember Them.
         ================
         From Chapter 1, part 12---
 "Harm you can barely stand on your own two feet" Clay scoffed. "I don't 
  think that's going to happen."
  
  "Yes it is. She's upset and I need to talk to her. Now let go."
  
  With that he wrenched his good arm free from Clay and slowly made his way in 
  the direction she had gone.
  
  "One of us should go with him" Clay said quietly. "He's in no condition to 
  be moving around on his own."
  
  "I know. But he's right. He's the one who needs to talk to her. That's not 
  something you or I can do. He needs to reassure her that he's okay. As okay 
  as any of them are after what's happened."
  
  "I'm not sure he is okay AJ" Clay sighed.
  
  "Something you want to tell me about Webb?" AJ said quietly. "This has hit 
  all of them hard but I thought Harm was handling it better than the rest of 
  them."
    +++++++++++++++    
  
         "In Memoriam" Chapter 2---

Harm slowly and painfully made his way through the hangar towards the 
  parking lot, finally seeing Mac leaning against AJ's car, her head buried in 
  her hands.
  
  "Mac" he said softly as he reached out his hand to her shoulder. She jumped 
  at his touch, finally turning her tear stained face to him.
  
  "You shouldn't have followed me" she whispered as she looked at his face, 
  the pain very evident in his handsome features.
  
  "I wanted to talk to you. And since you ran off I didn't have much choice 
  but to follow you."
  
  "Talk about what. How you almost got killed? I don't want to know about it."
  
  "Then we won't. And it's not as bad as you think. I'm okay."
  
  "You haven't looked in a mirror recently have you" she whispered. "Because 
  you look anything but okay."
  
  "I'm hurting a little" he admitted. "But they make pain killers for that. 
  I'm much more worried about why you're so upset and why you look like you 
  haven't slept since I've been gone."
  
  "You try and sleep when the person you care about most in this world is in 
  the middle of some godforsaken country and you have no idea if he's alive or 
  dead" she snapped.
  
  "I'm sorry. If there had been any way to get word to you I would have. You 
  know that."
  
  "How do you think I felt when they said they hadn't heard from you and Clay" 
  she whispered as the tears ran down her face. "All I could picture was you 
  lying dead in the desert, killed by a land mine. And I guess I wasn't far 
  off."
  
  "I'm so sorry. I wish you hadn't had to go through that. But it's over now. 
  I'm back here with you. I know you were scared and I'm sorry. But it wasn't 
  as bad as you think."
  
  She swallowed hard and looked at him intently.  "You stepped on a mine didn't you?  
That's as bad as it gets and still leaves you alive."  
 
 "Not quite.  The person walking in front of me did.  I caught a piece of it is what 
happened."
 
 "Then you watched him die?"
 
 "No I didn't know what hit me.  It's all a blur from the second I hear the blast," he 
replied softly.  "I don't have clear memories until I wake up on the Seahawk after the 
surgeon took the metal out of my shoulder."
 
 "Harm," she whispered tearfully and once again he lifted his arm to offer her shelter.
 
 "Harm I was so scared for you," she gasped and hugged him tightly.  "So scared."  
 
 "I know honey," he whispered, stroking her hair.  "But I'm home and I'm OK.  In fact 
I'm more than OK with you holding me."
 
 "You're not.  Not at all," she chided him.  "I can feel how you can't hardly stand up in 
fact."
 
 "I had some blood loss, and some shock and I'm still woozy yeah OK," he said easily,  
"and the pain pills make me like I'm all floaty.  And frankly going back there again hit 
way too close to home with what happened to Jen.  And right now all I want is my 
apartment.  Can we handle that?"
 
 "Long as I'm part of the deal," she said firmly, lifting her head from his chest.  "You 
are obviously in no shape to stay alone."
 
 "I'm not one to turn down a pretty nurse that's for sure," he smiled.   "Thanks.  Some 
just you and me time is exactly what I need.  You know I haven't forgotten the night I 
left."
 
 "Neither have I Flyboy."  She finally allowed herself a short smile.  "I guess when you 
kiss a girl they stay kissed."
 ================ 

 "Mr. Webb I asked you if there was something else you felt you should share with 
me," AJ said pointedly as they walked toward the parking lot.
 
 Clay shrugged and shook his head.  "I just know that he's really bothered by the 
Coates death.  He told me the story AJ.  And he told me another story too--how he 
had a close call with a mine when he and Mac were out their first time in country.  He 
may be wondering how he was chosen to survive that unscathed and yet someone 
like Petty Officer Coates was made to die."
 
 AJ nodded thoughtfully.  "Well thanks for that.  Now you want to tell me what 
happened to him now so I know what I'm dealing with.  Captain Johnson simply said 
he had been slightly injured.  It looks a little more than slightly for one thing."
 
 "Yeah he lost a good bit of blood.  Honestly when it first happened I wasn't sure the 
medivac was going to get to us in time.  He's also got another problem with it that I'm 
sure he won't share, not with you at least."
 
 "OK let me have it," AJ sighed.
 
 "We were being escorted by a special forces squad and we stumbled into the mine 
field.  Bad intelligence.  Harm was about to step and Corporal Lindsey spotted the 
mine and pushed him out of the way just as he was about to put his foot down.  
Unfortunately in doing that he lost his balance and fell onto another one.  Harm has 
not mentioned a single word of that.  He may not know.  He swears he doesn't 
remember anything but the blast."
   
  "Or he doesn't want to remember" AJ sighed. "This is not what he needed 
  Webb."
  
  "I'm sorry AJ. I didn't know about Coates until we got on the plane. If I 
  had I wouldn't have asked him to come."
  
  "I know. And it's not your fault. I'm just not sure what I'm going to do 
  with the two of them."
  
  "I gather Mac isn't handling this any better?"
  
  "No. I can't get her to open up but you saw what she looks like. I swear she 
  hasn't slept since they got back from the Seahawk. And I thought she was 
  going to lose it while Harm was gone."
  
  "I'm sorry" Clay repeated. "I really had no idea things were like this."
  
  "Well I should have been paying more attention" AJ sighed. "I just figured 
  the two of them had been through live fire before and would eventually be okay. 
  Now I'm not sure."
  
  "Well for now it looks like they're okay," Clay said as he pointed to where 
  they waited at AJ's car, their arms wrapped around each other.
  
  "I hope so" AJ sighed. "I sure as hell hope so."  
  *********
 
 "Home sweet home" Harm sighed as Mac helped him up the stairs to his place 
  once AJ had dropped them off. He'd left them with strict orders that he 
  didn't want to see either of them around JAG for at least a couple days.
  
  "Well at least you're alone," Mac said softly. "Bud has been staying at 
  Harriet's. He's sleeping on the recliner but at least they're in the same 
  house."
  
  "Are they getting anywhere?" Harm asked. "I mean are they making any 
  progress?"
  
  "Not that I can see" she admitted. "They still seem a million miles apart."
  
  "I was hoping you'd tell me they'd reconciled" he sighed as he sank down on 
  the sofa. "But I knew that would be asking too much."
  
  "Well right now that's not for you to worry about" she said as she sat down 
  beside him. "Right now the only think you should be worried about is getting 
  better."
  
  "I'm a lot better now that I'm here with you. You were all I kept thinking 
  about while I was over there. You and the promise me we made each other. I 
  want that so much Mac."
  
  "I know. So do I" she whispered. "And for a while there I was afraid it was 
  never going to happen."
  
  "Mac" he said softly as he opened his good arm to her. With a sniffle she 
  leaned against him, allowing herself the comfort of being close to him. She 
  was so sure he was dead. So sure she would never see him again.
  
  "Okay enough of this" she said a few minutes later as she pulled away. "You 
  need to go to bed sailor. I assume you have some of those pain killers 
  because from the look on your face you're going to need them if you plan on 
  sleeping."
  
  "Yeah in my bag" he sighed. "And I guess a little nap wouldn't hurt."
  
  She got his pills and some water and he quickly downed them before allowing 
  her to lead him to the bedroom.
  
  "Easy" she said as she gently helped him down. "How you doing?"
  
  "I'm all right" he managed. "Honest."
  
  "Try and get some rest" she said softly as she pulled the sheet up over him.
  
  "You're not leaving are you?" he asked as he reached for her hand.
  
  "Of course not. But you need to rest so I'm going to go hang out in the 
  living room so you can sleep."
  
  "I'd sleep a lot better if you were right here next to me," he said quietly. 
  "But I'll understand if that's asking too much."
  
  For a moment she stood there before finally sliding into bed beside him. 
  Gently she reached for him, careful of his injured arm.
  
  "Thank you" he whispered. "I just need to know that in all this craziness 
  that there's still an us. And us that one day real soon we're going to work 
  on."
  
  "There is," she said quietly as she stroked his head. "Rest sailor. You're 
  not well."
  
  It wasn't long before he was asleep and for several minutes she lay there 
  watching him. She felt the tears brim again as she looked at his injured 
  arm, realizing just how close she'd come to losing him. And in her mind she 
  could see it happening despite not being there. It was just like her 
  nightmare. Only in her nightmare, he didn't come back to her.
  
 He gave a small pain filled moan in his sleep, stirring slightly and she reached out to 
stroke his forehead.  "Ssshhh you're OK," she whispered into his ear.  "You're OK and 
you're here with me and I thank God for that."  Moving slowly and gingerly, she put her 
head against his uninjured shoulder, hearing his heart beat into her ear and almost at 
once she felt a small wave of peace overcome her.  She could still conjure up the 
picture of him stepping on the mine, but the heartbeat almost made up for it.
 
 Sleep.  Sweet sleep came to her for the first time since he had left.  Soothed by his 
presence, her arm protectively across his body, for the following nine hours, waking 
only when she heard light tapping and her name being called from the doorway.
 
 "Mac it's Clay, bearing food."
 
 Her arm tightened across Harm instinctively and she gave a long sigh of relief.  He 
was still sleeping, and to her the pain lines across his face seemed to have eased.  
Moving carefully she rolled from the bed and walked to the door.
 
 "I didn't know if you guys would have eaten, and I wanted to see how he was doing, 
so I come with a bucket of spaghetti and two loves of garlic bread.  Just all needs to 
be reheated a little," the CIA agent explained.
 
 "I can't even remember the last time I ate," she sighed, "and that does smell 
heavenly.  I swear I'm hungry for the first time since. . ."
 
 "Since he left I'm sure," he smiled with mild amusement.  "How is he doing?"
 
 "He hasn't moved since he laid down," she replied.  "That must be something 
powerful they're giving him."
 
 "Oxycontin," Clay nodded.  "He was in a lot of pain, and bleeding and in shock as 
well.  I honestly wasn't sure.  I mean if I'd had to bet, at that point it wouldn't have 
been on Harm."
 
 She shuddered but said nothing as she got the spaghetti onto the stove.
 
 "Sorry you probably didn't need to hear that."
 
 "No I didn't, but at the same time my imagination is painting a horrendous picture of 
Harm stepping on that mine.  Maybe you should tell me what happened and hopefully 
my imagination is exaggerating.  Actually what I want to know is how he stepped on it 
and lived Clay.  The Man Upstairs must have been watching out for him."
 
 Clay shook his head.  "No that's not what happened--well I mean yeah God was 
minding after him, but He was working through a kid named Jacob Lindsey."
 
 "I'm sorry?  Confused just woke up Marine here.  Who was Lindsey?  And what's he 
got to do with Harm stepping on this mine?"
 
 "Well that's the point," Clay explained slowly, "Harm did not.  He was about to, and 
Lindsey saw it, and pushed him out of the way.  But the kid lost his balance and fell, 
and he landed on another mine and it was the shrapnel from that explosion that hit 
Harm.  Harm says he doesn't recall anything but the blast.  And so far I haven't 
corrected his recollection.  I don't know if he really wants to know that his life was 
spared because this kid did what he did."
 
 "You're goddam right he wants to know that," Harm shrieked from the doorway.  "And 
he should have been told straight out.  Not having to find out by eavesdropping."  At 
the same time he took a step forward from where he had been leaning and almost at 
once went down on one knee.  "Dammit all to hell," he shrieked again.

 "Harm I'm sorry" Clay started as Mac hurried to help him.
 
 "You should be" Harm snapped. "When did you plan on telling about Lindsey? 
 Or didn't you?"
 
 "I did when I thought you could handle it" Clay said quietly. "Which isn't 
 right now."
 
 "Harm why didn't you call and let me know you were awake" Mac said gently as 
 she helped him to the table.
 
 "I didn't know where you were" he grumbled. "Last time I woke up you were 
 with me. This time you were gone and I heard voices."
 
 "Well we're going to get some food in you and then you're going right back 
 to bed. You have no business being up right now."
 
 He opened his mouth to argue and promptly closed it at her warning look. "So 
 Corporal Lindsay died because of me," he said finally as he looked at Clay. 
 "That's what you're telling me."
 
 "Harm I don't think now is the time to talk about this" Clay said quietly.
 
 "No. Now is as good of time as any. Tell me what happened. Why is Corporal 
 Lindsay dead and not me."
 
 "I don't know Harm" Clay sighed. "I'm not in charge of those things. Have a 
 talk with the Man upstairs if you want the answer to that. I can only tell 
 you what happened. You were about to step on a mine when Corporal Lindsay 
 pushed you away. In doing so he fell and landed on another mine. Why it 
 happened I don't know. I don't have those answers."
 
 "Harm blaming yourself isn't going to change what happened" Mac said softly. 
 "And I know that's what you're thinking."
 
 "Someone is dead because of me" he snapped. "Someone died who shouldn't 
 have. Because of me. Just like Jen." With that he forced himself to his 
 feet, clutching onto the table a second later when everything spun around 
 him.
 
 "Bed mister" Mac ordered as she reached for him as he wavered unsteadily. 
 "I'll bring you dinner if you want it but you should not be up."
 
 "I'm not hungry any way" he muttered as he leaned weakly against her.
 
 She shook her head as she led him back to the bedroom, gently helping him 
 back into bed. "Are you sure you don't want something to eat?" she asked as 
 she sat down beside him.
 
 "No I don't" he sighed. "And I'm sorry for snapping at you. But this damn 
 shoulder is killing me and now I find out that someone else is dead because 
 of me and it's just seems like it's never going to stop."
 
 "Shh" she soothed as she gently stroked his forehead. "You are getting 
 yourself way to worked up here. You're not well and the only thing you 
 should be worrying about is you."
 
 "Mac someone died because of me. Because I wasn't paying attention to what I 
 was doing. How can I not think about that?"
 
 "Harm I'm sorry" she whispered. "I know you're hurting. I wish there were 
 something I could do to help. But to be honest, I'm glad it happened the way 
 it did. I couldn't bear to lose you Harm. I'm sorry someone else lost their 
 life but I'm so glad it wasn't you."
 
 He didn’t answer her, his eyes closing against the throbbing pain in his 
 shoulder.
 
 "You rest," she said softly. "I'll be here if you need anything."
 
 "Another pain killer would be nice" he sighed. "I'm never going to sleep 
 with this hurting like this."
 
 She nodded and got the bottle of pills and some water from the kitchen.
 
 "Sleep" she said once he'd taken the pills. "Your body needs the rest."
 
 She stroked his forehead until he fell asleep a few minutes later, aided by 
 the painkillers. With a long sigh she dropped a kiss to his forehead before 
 heading back to the kitchen where Clay was.
 
 "I'm sorry," he said as she sank down in one of the kitchen chairs. "How's 
 he doing?"
 
 "He's hurting physically and emotionally," she said quietly. "Right now I'm 
 not sure which is worse. But he'll get through it."
 
 "Will you?" Clay asked.
 
 "I'm dealing with everything" she lied. "It wasn't easy while he was gone 
 but now that he's back I'm okay." 
 *****************
 
Several hours later Harm tossed in his sleep as Jen once again came to him.
 
 "Harm it's not your fault" Jen said softly. "I know you're blaming yourself 
 but it wasn't your fault."
 
 "He died because of me. Just like you did" Harm moaned. "Why?"
 
 "Harm you have to let it go."
 
 "No. I can't. Just like I can't let go of what happened to you. You had your 
 whole life ahead of you."
 
 "My life with Bud" she said sadly. "It was just a dream Harm. Even though I 
 know he loved me, deep down Harriet is the one he loves with all his heart. And he 
should be 
 with her. You have to help them see that."
 
 "I'm trying Jen" he moaned. "But I don't know how. I want to help them but I 
 don't know what to do."
 
 "You'll figure it out" she smiled. "You're my hero Harm. You always were."
 
 "Don't say that" he moaned. "I killed you. You're dead because of me. And so 
 is Corporal Lindsay."
 
 "Harm don't" Jen whispered.
 
 "I'm sorry Jen," he cried as he tossed and turned his words loud enough this 
 time to wake Mac. "I'm sorry I killed you. You shouldn't have died. If you 
 hadn't listened to me and stayed in the Navy you would be alive."
 
 "Harm wake up" Mac said gently. "Harm you're just dreaming. Come on sailor."
  
 "No I'm not dreaming, I'm. . ." he managed before full awareness returned and he 
realized it was Mac, and not Jennifer Coates, who was hovering over him.  

"I'd like to know what the hell else if you're not dreaming," she groaned.  "Harm you 
were talking.  Plain as you're talking to me.  If not more so.  I just wasn't awake 
enough to catch all the words and the meaning.  You care to share that?"

"No I don't think so," he murmured.  No way did he want to explain to her that a dead 
woman came to him in the night and they talked.  That the guilt he felt was bringing 
her to him.

"Yeah OK," she sighed.  "Please try to get back to sleep.  Can I get you something 
first?"

"Oh yeah some orange juice would be great," he sighed.  "But I'm keeping you up."

"Yeah well I don't sleep all that well anyway--except for earlier today I swear I died for 
that time--so it's no big deal," she assured him, pushing herself from the bed.  As she 
made her way to his kitchen, she could feel the exhaustion dragging her down.   From 
the nap earlier that Clay had interrupted she thought she had gotten enough rest, now 
it was all she could do to put one foot in front of the other.  And yet she was afraid to 
sleep.  Somehow, perhaps comforted by his physical proximity, she had avoided the 
nightmare earlier in the day.  Now she feared it once again.

Once he drank his juice and lie back and gave her a short smile.  "I know you've been 
kind of snuggled up with me."

"Yeah."  She held her breath waiting for him to say he would rather she kept her 
distance.

"I like it."

"In that case," she smiled, letting out a long sigh of relief.  "I like it too."

She slid in against him and after some awkward jostling they both managed to sleep.

Somewhere around dawn, Harm awoke, his shoulder throbbing in time with his 
heartbeat, and he looked at the sleeping figure beside him.  "God please, please let 
this work for us this time," he sighed and pushed himself from the bed.  He needed the 
facilities, another pill and to stretch protesting muscles.

After the first two were accomplished, he walked around the living room and finally 
settled into a chair in front of the window, afraid his restlessness would disturb her.

Bereft of his nearness, it was not long before she began to stir restlessly.  
Afghanistan.  The mine field.  Lindsey shouts and reaches for Harm to push him.  
Harm and Lindsey both fall, only. . .only it is Harm, not the young Corporal, who lands 
on the mine.

Her scream hit the ceiling and bounced back.  A long and loud wailing of "Haaaa-
armmm" that lasts as long as she has breath in her body.  

Harm reached her as that breath expired, and found her sitting up, soaked and 
trembling.  Now obviously awake, but still very much under the influence of the 
happenings within the nightmare, she could only stare at him before she burst into 
tears, long mournful sobs that shook her to the core.
 
  "Mac my god what's wrong" he demanded as he gathered her into his arms.
  
  Her sobs continued even after he awkwardly held her, his shoulder 
  restricting his ability to hold her as tightly as he would have liked.
  
  "Mac please you're scaring me here" he whispered as her sobs. "Whatever you 
  were dreaming it's over. You're safe and I'm right here."
  
  She finally calmed, her sobs lessening as he held her.
  
  "I'm sorry "she managed finally.
  
  "Do you want to talk about it?" he asked gently.
  
  "No" she shook her head quickly. "I don't want to think about it. And what 
  are you doing out of bed anyway?"
  
  "I needed the head and another pain killer. And then I just needed to 
  stretch a bit."
  
  "You're hurting again?" she asked as she wiped her tears away.
  
  "A little" he admitted. "The surgeon said it's likely to hurt for a while so 
  I might as well get used to it. And it's better than the alternative."
  
  "Yes it is" she whispered. If it weren't for Corporal Lindsay he would be 
  dead. But she didn't want to think about that. "And you need to get some 
  more sleep. Between your ramblings and my screaming neither of us has gotten 
  any sleep."
  
  "No we haven't" he sighed.
  
  "Why don't you lay down and try and sleep" she urged. "I know there's no way 
  I'm going to sleep so I'm not even going to try. But I'm sure you can if you 
  have quiet."
  
  "Will you stay with me?"
  
  "Do you promise to sleep if I do?" she said with a small smile.
  
  "Yeah. Are you sure you're okay now?"
  
  "I'm fine" she nodded. "Come on lets get you back into bed. When you wake up 
  I'll figure out something for breakfast. I doubt you have anything here."
  
  "Not likely" he sighed as he lay down, his eyes closing against the pain.
  
  She stayed with him till he was asleep and with a long sigh made her way to 
  the kitchen. She put on some coffee, knowing she would need something strong 
  to get through the morning.
  
  She'd just finished pouring a cup when there was a knock at the door and 
  with a long sigh she headed to the door.
  
  "I hope I didn't wake you" Bud said uneasily when she opened the door. "I uh 
  just wanted to make sure the Commander was okay."
  
  "He will be okay," Mac said as she let Bud in. "Right now he's in a lot of 
  pain and his shoulder is pretty messed up."
  
  "But he's not going to die right?" Bud asked quietly. "I'm not going to lose 
  him too am I?"
  
  "No Bud" she said softly. "He's going to be okay."
  
  "Thank you. I just needed to hear that from someone other than the Admiral. 
  I wasn't sure he was just saying that so we wouldn't worry. But I know if 
  you're telling me then it's true. And I'm sorry for disturbing you."
  
  "You didn't. I was awake anyway. Can I get you some coffee before you go to 
  JAG?"
  
  "Thanks. I haven't been hanging around home much. I mean I sleep there but 
  that's it."
  
  "Bud when are you and Harriet going to talk?" Mac asked as she poured him a 
  cup of coffee.
  
  "I don't know ma'am. Everything is so crazy. First Jen and now the 
  Commander."
  
  "Harm is going to be okay Bud" she reminded him. "And you need to let go of 
  Jen."
  
  "I'm trying ma'am. But I can't. I don't know how. Right now I'm just not 
  sure about anything anymore."
  
 "Bud you might want to think about getting some help here," Mac said thoughtfully 
and as gently as she could.  
 
 "Ma'am?"
 
 "Someone professional Bud," she replied in response to his look of puzzlement.  
"Someone who could help you work through this."
 
 "You think I need a shrink don't you?"  Bud's words of shock and anger and 
indignation bounced off the walls of the small apartment.  "You think I'm some kind of 
a psycho don't you?  Do you realize what that would do to my career?  Men who are 
psychotic do not make Admiral.  Hell they don't even stay in long enough to make 
Lieutenant Commander.  What the hell is the matter with you?"
 
 Mac stepped back, in shock herself at the normally placid Lieutenant's outburst, and 
before she could speak Harm burst from the bedroom.
 
 "What the hell is the matter with her?  Is that what you just said Lieutenant?" he 
raged.  "If that's how you're addressing a superior officer, then you do seriously need 
help."
 
 "Harm it's my fault," Mac spoke up.  "I was making a suggestion and Bud didn't take 
in the spirit it was intended.  He was about to apologize."
 
 Bud opened his mouth to speak and when he saw the glowering face of Harmon 
Rabb, thought better of it.  "Yes ma'am I was out of line.  I'm sorry.  But ma'am, I'm 
capable of dealing with this without bringing in some stranger.  Please."
 
 "Mac leave it go.  At least for now."  Harm added in his own thoughts.  "We're all on 
edge here and it's time that we need as much as anything."
 
 "All right," Mac nodded, realizing with her own nightmare, she was not one to talk.  
"Harm you're up so how about some breakfast?  Bud join us please.  Please."
 
 "Ma'am after what I. . ."
 
 "Bud, it's over.  For now."  
 
 "Yes ma'am.  Thank you."
 
 Mac walked to Harm and wrapped an arm around his back to lead him to the table.  
"OK Flyboy I'm going to cook, so let's keep it simple.  I don't do eggs benedict.  
Scrambled OK?"
 
 "Yeah, and a big glass of juice and my pills please," he murmured.
 
 It was a quiet threesome who ate breakfast and afterward Mac helped Harm back to 
bed where he settled in front of the morning news while Bud went on to JAG HQ.  The 
day passed quietly with Mac working while he slept most of it away.  
 ================

 BUD & HARRIET'S APARTMENT
 ROSSLYN
 7PM
 
 They had made it through another dinner, keeping up polite small talk and with AJ's 
babble as three year olds are wont to do, the child seemingly did not notice the strain.  
He was simply glad to have his father there.
 
 After dinner Bud fell asleep in his recliner as he often did watching the news while 
Harriet busied herself cleaning up and getting AJ into his bath.
 
 She had turned off the TV, and AJ was playing quietly in the tub, and that's when she 
could hear Bud.  At first he seemed to be mumbling, but as she approached, the 
words were more clear and she knew exactly what she was hearing.
 
 Jennifer Coates was visiting her husband in his sleep.
      
  >>>>>"Love you Jen"<<<<
  
  This time there was no doubt and with an angry shake she woke Bud.
  
  "How dare you?" she shouted.
  
  "What?" Bud mumbled as he forced open his eyes. "Harriet?"
  
  "You were in love with her" she shrieked. "That's why you didn't want to be 
  with us. You fell in love with her. Did you sleep with her too?"
  
  "Yes I loved her," Bud shouted back. "She cared about me. When I needed 
  someone most she was there for me. She wasn't concerned about houses and 
  furniture. I was lonely and scared and when I wanted to talk to you all you 
  wanted to talk about was that."
  
  "So you turned to her" Harriet whispered. "How could you?"
  
  AJ's wail from the bathroom stopped him from replying as Harriet ran to get 
  her child.
  
  "It's okay sweetie," she said as she gathered her son in a towel. "Don't cry 
  sweetie."
  
  By the time she'd finished drying and dressing him Bud had finished packing 
  his bag.
  
  "Where are you going?" she demanded as she carried AJ into the living room.
  
  "I'm leaving. I'm not going to subject AJ to this. I'll be at Harm's."
  
  "Did you sleep with her?" Harriet asked as Bud started to the door.
  
  He turned and looked at her once more before walking out the door. With a 
  long sob she dropped to the sofa, cuddling her son close to her as she 
  cried.  
  **********************
 
 Harm's Apartment
   
  "Okay Marine, what's wrong?" Harm asked gently. "I thought we were both 
  going to try and get some more sleep. Remember the Admiral said you weren't 
  to come back until you didn't look like death warmed over."
  
  "I'm not tired" she lied. "But there's no reason you can't get some sleep."
  
  "The only way that's going to happen is with another pill" he sighed.
  
  "Harm are you supposed to be taking this many?" she asked as she headed to 
  the kitchen to get the bottle and some water.
  
  "I'm taking as many as I need so I can sleep "he countered. "Otherwise I never would 
with this constant throbbing."
  
  "It's hurting that bad?" she asked as she returned with the bottle and 
  water.
  
  "Yes" he admitted. "But that's why they prescribed me the pain killers."
  
  "Yeah well just be careful taking those things" she frowned.
  
  "Thanks Mom. Now why don't you join me in the bedroom? We'll both fall 
  asleep and if we're lucky maybe we'll sleep through the night this time."
  
  Before she could reply there was a knock at the door and with a sigh Mac 
  headed to the door.
  
  "Bud what are you doing here?" Mac asked when she opened the door and saw 
  the young man standing there with his bag.
  
  "I was hoping I could spend the night here," he said quietly.
  
  "Bud what's going on?" Harm asked as he made his way to the door. "I thought 
  you were staying with Harriet and AJ again."
  
  "We had a fight. I was dreaming about Jen. And I guess I said I love you and 
  Harriet went ballistic. And instead of us screaming in front of little AJ I 
  thought it would just be better if I left. If it's too much of a problem, I 
  can go find a hotel for the night."
  
  "No come in" Harm sighed.
  
  "Bud how upset was Harriet?" Mac asked, remembering that she was pregnant. 
  "Maybe I should go see if she's okay."
  
  "I don't know. I just left. I don't like to argue and that's all we were 
  going to do. Now that she knows I was in love with Jen I think it's over. 
  And maybe that's for the best."
  
  "Bud Roberts don't even say that" Harm gasped. "You can't just throw away 
  what you and Harriet had."
  
  "What we had is gone," Bud said soberly. "Things changed while I was gone. 
  We grew apart."
  
  "That doesn't mean you can't grow back together" Harm countered. "You can't 
  throw in the towel that easily mister."
  
  "Harm I think I'm going to go check on Harriet and then go home" Mac 
  announced. "You've got Bud here to keep an eye on you anyway."
  
  "Mac you don't have to leave" Harm said softly.
  
  "I think it would be best if I did. I want to make sure Harriet is okay and 
  then I'll go home. I'll be back tomorrow."
  
  "Promise?"
  
  "Of course" she said with a small smile. "Bud he just took one of his pain 
  pills so he'll be out of it here shortly. Make sure he gets to bed."
  
  "Yes ma'am" Bud nodded.
 
 Harm slowly walked her to the door, closing it behind them.  "I don't want you to go," 
he whispered.  
 
 "Harm it's better.  I might even get some rest, and you sure as hell need to.  And I 
really do need to run by Harriet's and see if she's OK.  I had no idea she was going to 
find out how he really had felt about Jen."
 
 "OK but you be careful, and take care of yourself," he urged.
 
 "Hey you do the same," she smiled.  "I'll see you tomorrow.  And whatever you do, 
get some rest."
 
 "The pill is already doing its job," he nodded.  "Call me later.  I mean it."
 
 "Yeah I will," she promised, and impulsively reached up to kiss his cheek.
 ==============
 It was with a somber, tear-stained face that Harriet opened the door to Mac a half 
hour later.
 
 "I guess you heard," she whispered.
 
 "And saw.  Bud came to Harm."
 
 "Of course," Harriet replied bitterly.  "You know if Harm wasn't so convenient Bud 
might stay here and we could work through this."  She paused and added even more 
bitterly, "on the other hand, I'm not sure I even want to.  He loved her Mac.  He 
admitted he loved her.  Hell for all I know it went further."
 
 "Harriet I want you to calm down now," Mac said firmly, concerned for her and the 
baby.  "You're breathing hard and you're all red and this kind of stress is not good for 
the baby."
 
 "A baby that's going to need her father," Harriet sighed.  "A father that's one hundred 
percent here with us, not half way around the world, or a couple miles from here at 
Arlington.  But come on in now that you're here."
 
 "I just wanted to know that you're OK," she said firmly.  "You and Bud need help 
Harriet, before you bring another child into this mess."
 
 "Look I know that," she snapped.  "I was going to be OK with Bud being upset about 
her death.  I figured those feelings would fade.  I knew he cared about her.  I didn't 
know he loved her.  I was naive and blind I guess.  Well excuse me.  But I'm not going 
to sit here and subject myself, this baby, and our little boy, to his turmoil.  I've got 
leave on the books and I'm going to take it.  Thirty days worth.  Taking my son away 
from here.  I've already talked to Admiral Chegwidden in fact.  My mom and dad are 
on a cruise right now, but soon as they get back I'm taking the time."
 
 "OK your decision, and time away might be good for both of you, but you have to 
come back," Mac said mildly.  "Thirty days pass really quickly Harriet, and the problem 
will still be here."
 
 "I do not have to come back," she retorted.  "I can transfer, I can go back to reserves, 
or I can resign.  I have a standing offer for me and AJ to live with my parents and for 
me to start a new life.  I may do just that."
 
 "Harriet. . ." Mac put a hand on her friend's arm.  "Harriet please, don't make any 
decisions like that.  You're not a quitter.  Neither is Bud.  Your marriage, your little boy, 
this baby--all deserve a better effort."
 
 "Why don't you tell that to Bud," she snapped.

"OK time out there.  Do you want some company?"

 "Thanks but I think I'd sooner be alone."
 
 Mac regarded her solemnly, backing out through the door.  "At his rate you may be 
alone for a long time.  And take it from someone who's been there.  Alone is pretty 
lonely."
 
 "Yeah that's why you and Harm have been in love forever and yet you can't make it 
happen?," she retorted.  "Excuse me."
 
 "Yeah."  Mac shook her head and walked slowly back to her car.  Life was falling 
apart around her and she was powerless to stop it.
 
 For the next week the nightmare visited her every night, cutting her sleep to 
sometimes three or four hours, for once it came, any further sleep was stolen from her 
for the duration.  Further, in her sleep deprived state, she became convinced the 
nightmare was an omen--a forbearance of what could come to pass.   If she were to 
allow herself to love Harm, she would eventually come face to face with losing him.
 
 On Harm's part, he sensed her withdrawal, and took it for anger.  Believing that she 
blamed him for the situation with the Roberts',  he did not press her.  Rather he came 
to JAG, did his job, and went home where a bottle of beer and an Oxycontin would 
send him into eight or ten hours of blessed oblivion, except for the almost nightly visits 
from a certain now dead Petty Officer.
 
On this particular afternoon the tension at JAG HQ's was reaching the 
boiling point. Bud and Harriet were failing miserably at their attempt to 
remain amicable at work and Harm and Mac were doing no better.

"Lieutenant where's the Anderson file" Bud demanded as he stood at Harriet's desk.

"In your office Lieutenant" she snapped back. "I put it in your in box like you 
asked. If you opened your eyes you might find it."

"It is not in my in box" he announced loudly a few minutes later when he 
returned with the inbox.

"Well I don't know what you did with it then. I put it there."

"Bud I took the Anderson file from your office" Harm said as he walked out 
to the bullpen, the file in his hand. "I needed to check something on it 
real quick and I just never got to putting it back."

"That's okay sir" Bud sighed. "Thank you."

"I think you owe me an apology Mr. Roberts" Harriet snapped as Bud walked 
away.

"For what?" Bud said as he whirled around.

"Okay you two stop right there" Harm ordered as he stood between the two of 
them. "Whatever is going on at home stays at home."

"You would side with him" Harriet wailed before hurrying out of the bullpen. 
She nearly knocked down Mac in the process who gave Harm a curious look as 
she walked over to him while Bud escaped to his office.

"What did you do now?" she asked.

"I didn't do anything" he sighed. "I was trying to keep the Roberts pair from 
declaring war on each other in the middle of the JAG bullpen."

"Lucky you. But then again you're the one who decided that you were helping 
Bud by letting him stay with you instead of working out his problems."

"I am helping" Harm hissed. "Could you imagine what they'd be doing to each 
other if they were together?"

"Yeah they might have actually talked about stuff" Mac countered. "Something 
they can't do when he's not living there."

"Excuse me Colonel. I didn't realize you had a degree in psychology as well 
as law."

"I don't but I know more about marriage than you do" she snapped.

"I won't even go there" he laughed. "You know more about marriage than I do? 
That's real good."

"You know what Harmon Rabb you are a jerk" Mac shouted before storming into 
her office, the door slamming behind her.

"Boy this place sure is noisy" Singer smiled as she walked past Harm. "Door 
slamming and people yelling all the time."

"Save it Lieutenant" Harm growled. He turned and started towards his office only to 
stop at AJ's voice.

"Commander do you have a moment?"

"Yes sir" Harm sighed as he turned and headed to the Admiral's office.

"I get the idea things are not getting any better are they?" AJ said quietly 
once they were both seated.

"No sir" Harm sighed. "I'm sorry. I'm doing my best to try and get Bud and 
Harriet to work things out. Course at the same time I can't even get Mac and 
I to work things out. Something's bothering her and she won't even talk to 
me. When we do, we just yell at each other."

"Harm you can't fix everyone's problems. I know you think you have to but 
you can't always do it."

"I have to sir" Harm sighed as his mind flashed to the young woman who was 
visiting almost nightly in his dreams. Pleading with him to help Bud through 
this.

"You're going to drive yourself crazy" AJ said quietly. "I know this has 
been hard on everyone and somehow we'll get through it. But I get the 
feeling you're placing the largest load on yourself here. And on top of what 
happened when you were in Afghanistan with Clay, that's too much."

"You know what happened?" Harm asked. He'd buried the whole incident in his 
mind, not wanting to think again about the young man who'd lost his life 
because of him.

"Clay told me. And I know from experience stuff like that isn't easy to deal 
with."

"Sir I'm handling it fine" Harm lied. "Now besides me is there something 
else you wanted to talk about?"

"Yes. Would you be willing to handle an assignment with Lt. Singer in 
Norfolk? The only reason I'm asking is because Mac and Sturgis are working 
the O'Neil case and I'm not sure sending Lt. Roberts anywhere right now is a 
good idea."

"I can handle it sir" Harm assured him. The idea of some time away from 
everything suddenly seemed very appealing. Even if it was with Lt. Witch.

Mac meanwhile was attempting to work, only to be interrupted by Harriet's knock thirty 
minutes later.  "Ma'am may I bother you?" she asked timidly.
 
 "Of course come in," Mac sighed.  "And don't worry, I'm not going to reprimand you 
for before.  I contributed my own disturbance.  I saw the Admiral call in Harm but I 
didn't hear any yelling so I hope that went OK."
 
 "There's plenty of blame to go around here ma'am," Harriet said softly.  "And I've 
made up my mind about my leave.  I just got off the phone with my dad.  AJ and I are 
leaving.  This last week has been hell on wheels.  And it's bothering AJ a lot.  He's 
gotten impossible.  Whiny and constantly testing me.  That is when he's not asking for 
his father."
 
 "So when are you going?" she asked quietly.
 
 "Tomorrow night.  I'm going to tell the Admiral I want to execute the leave request we 
talked about before."
 
 Mac nodded soberly.  "I'll miss you but I understand.  You're taking the full thirty?"
 
 "Yes ma'am.  And I'm going to make some real decisions while I'm gone.  Especially 
as relates to if I'm coming back."
 
 "I hope you won't do anything hasty."
 
 "No ma'am, that's what this time is for."
 
 She excused herself and Mac had just returned to work when Harm appeared, 
waving a white piece of paper.  "You think we can talk without being ugly?"
 
 "I'm willing to try Sailor.  What's on your mind?"
 
 "I just wanted to tell you that I've been assigned the Bell case in Norfolk.  Myself and 
Lt. Singer of course.  We're leaving later today."
 
 "Bell?"  She frowned, trying to place it.
 
 "I've only glanced at the file, but she's the ensign accused of fraternization and 
dereliction.  Not sure what's going to happen there."
 
 She nodded her remembrance and then gave him a teasing smile.  "Well I hope you 
and Loren will be very happy together."
 
 "It should be a really enlightening experience, thanks," he replied dryly.  "But in all 
honesty I'm thinking it will be good to get away for a couple of days.  Maybe some 
time and space with us. . .you and me I mean."  He paused and looked at her 
pleadingly, wanting her to understand.
 
 "Maybe.  There's just so much happening.  Harm you should know that Harriet is 
taking a thirty day leave and taking AJ to her folks.  To get away, but also to think.  If 
they don't start making an effort, there's not going to be anything left there to save."
 
 "Yeah well Bud doesn't seem so inclined," he snapped and shook his head.  "No I'm 
sorry.  I'm not going to do that with you."  He paused, deciding whether to go on, and 
when he did, his words shocked Mac to the core.  "And you should know that he's 
talking resignation.  Saying he can't do this any more."
 
 "That would be a tragedy," she said evenly.  "He's a good officer and a good lawyer 
and the Navy needs both right now."
 
 "I suppose you think I should talk him out of that, just like I should be talking  him in to 
going back to Harriet, getting marriage counseling and all that." Harm snapped again, 
despite his resolve to remain dispassionate.  "Mac understand something.  I'm not his 
priest.  I'm his friend.  And unless he asks me for my advice, being his friend stops 
short.  Not to mention it wouldn't do any good anyway.  He's a big boy.  He can make 
a life changing decision if he needs to.  I've made it clear he can talk to me if he 
desires--but the fact is, he doesn't.  And I'm already counseling him as his senior 
officer with regards to his duty performance.  Without a request from him for advice on 
conducting his personal life, I'm drawing the line there."
 
 "Are you finished?" she asked calmly, glossing over his outburst.
 
 "Very."
 
 "Me too.  Excuse me.  I've got client meeting.  Enjoy your trip."  
 
 He stood back out of the doorway as she strode out, her heels clicking on the floor, 
and at that moment he wished for all the world it was she, not Loren Singer, whom he 
was about to accompany somewhere.  Anywhere away from JAG.
   
  "Commander I hear we're working together" Singer smiled as she walked over 
  to him. "I'm so looking forward to it."
  
  "I'm sure you are" he murmured. "Just remember who's in charge."
  
  "How could I forget" she smiled. "When do we leave Commander?"
  
  "I'll let you know. First I need to take care of a few things."
  
  With that he strode to Bud's office. He would tell Bud what Harriet was 
  doing and try to get him to talk to her. But he couldn't make him do 
  something he didn't want.
  
  "Sir can I help you?" Bud asked as Harm walked in and sat down.
  
  "Bud you need to do something about this situation" Harm sighed. "Before you 
  and Harriet make a big mistake. She's going away for thirty days to think 
  about things."
  
  "Going where?" Bud demanded.
  
  "To her parents."
  
  "That's her choice. I can't make her stay."
  
  "You could give her a reason to" Harm sighed. "Bud I know you loved Jen. But 
  she's dead. And Harriet is your wife. And I know you love her too. You can't 
  just let her walk out of your life."
  
  "Sir I appreciate your concern but I'm handling this my own way" Bud 
  snapped.
  
  "Okay fine" Harm said as he threw up his hands in surrender. "The only 
  problem is you're not handling it. But I can't make you deal with it so I'm 
  done trying."
  
  *****************
  En route to Norfolk
  Two Hours Later
  
  "Sir you're doing 85" Singer said as she glanced over at the speedometer.
  
  "So" he glowered.
  
  "So that's a State Highway smokey that you just passed and oh looky he's coming 
  after us. What a surprise."
  
  "Damn" Harm muttered as he pulled the car off the road.
  
  Fortunately the officer was feeling generous and had let Harm off with a 
  warning and a short time later they pulled back onto the freeway.
  
  "I guess we'll be maintaining a more appropriate speed now won't we" Singer 
  snickered from the passenger seat.
  
  He said nothing, his mood getting worse as the pain in his shoulder 
  increased. He hadn't driven but to JAG and back since he'd hurt it and 
  sitting in the car wasn't what he needed right now. He desperately needed a 
  painkiller but it would have to wait.
  
  An hour later they reached the base and the BOQ and with a groan he forced 
  himself from the car.
  
  "You okay?" Singer asked.
  
  "Peachy. Just peachy."
  
  "You should have let me drive if that was going to hurt your shoulder. I 
  would have been happy to."
  
  "You'll get the honors on the way home" he sighed. "And now I'm going to 
  find my room and crash. I'll see you in the morning."
  
  He made his way inside and was assigned a room. He painfully made his way to 
  it, dropping his bag in exhaustion as he sunk to the bed.
  
  "God my life sucks" he moaned as he thought about everything. Since Jen's 
  death everything had fallen apart. And now he wasn't sure he could put it 
  all back together. Bud and Harriet were walking down the path to divorce and 
  he and Mac now seemed destined to never get together. He opened his back and 
  pulled out his bottle of pills, taking two instead of the normal one. He 
  knew without the beer that one would never be enough. Not with the constant 
  throbbing his shoulder was now doing.
  
  He lay down and closed his eyes, waiting for the medicine to kick in. 
  Waiting for the pain to go away.
  
  It finally did but as always his sleep was anything but peaceful. She seemed 
  to follow him no matter where he was. Begging him to help Bud like she 
  always did.
  
  "Jen I can't do it" he moaned in his sleep. "I can't fixed what can't be 
  fixed."
 
  "They love each other" Jen countered. "What's there to fix? You just have to 
  make them see that."
  
  "I've tried. It's not working. And Mac hates me now."
  
  "She doesn't hate you Harm. She loves you. You two will be together one day. 
  I know it."
  
  "No" Harm moaned. "She hates me."
  
  Somehow he managed a few hours sleep and it was an anything but awake 
  Commander that waited for Singer the next morning.
  
  "Sir you were supposed to sleep last night" Singer commented at his 
  appearance.
  
  "I did" he grumbled. "Now where do we start?"
  
  A week passed quickly and the turmoil at JAG ended with the combatants now 
separated.  Though for Harm and Singer they were engaged in their own combat.  
They had quickly determined the C.O. was determined to press charges against the 
young woman and Singer wasted no time in volunteering to prosecute.  Harm at that 
point had been ready to return to JAG when the accused asked him to defend.  
Reluctantly he agreed, hating the fact that he was stuck for another week at least.
 
 "Sir you might cheer up," Singer told him gleefully, "we've got a pretty high profile 
case, and a weekend in Norfolk before that.  Go out and have some fun.  Head down 
to the strip and hook up for the weekend."
 
 Harm shot her a look of contempt.  "Thank you for that suggestion Lieutenant.  
Fortunately I am beyond the stage in my life where I feel the need to hook up or shack 
up or anything like that.  In fact I may go over to Oceana and sign up for flight duty.  
Like to pilot a target plane."
 
 Instead he went back to this quarters and stared at the phone for the next hour.  
"Rabb you are really pathetic," he groaned.  "Pick up the phone call the woman and 
see if she wants to come down here.  The worst than can happen is she'll scream I 
hate you and slam down the phone."
 
 With vicious stabs of his finger he dialed her number, hanging up as soon as he 
heard her say her name.  "OK Jerk, that was really bad.  Try it again."
 
 "Lieutenant Colonel Mackenzie speaking."
 
 Harm opened his mouth and nothing came forth.
 
 "Hello?  Is there someone there?  I don't have time for this."
 
 "Mac hi," he finally managed.  "Uh sorry about that. . .bad connection."
 
 "Hi yourself stranger," she smiled.  "And since I  haven't been called to bail you out, 
I'm assuming you haven't killed your partner yet?"
 
 "Temporary partner thank you," he growled.  "My real partner, the only one I want, is 
back in DC  Further, we are now opposing counsel.  She volunteered to prosecute and 
the poor woman asked me to defend.  So we're stuck here all next week."
 
 "Harm I'm sorry," she gasped, meaning it sincerely.   The time apart had made her 
less stressed easily enough, but she was missing him.
 
 "Which brings me to the point of my call," he plunged ahead.  "How would you like to 
spend the weekend with a handsome Naval aviator?"
 
 "Whoa I'm so there," she yelped teasingly.  "What's his name?"
 
 "Rabb," he growled.  "Sorry, can't do any better than that.  Does that mean the 
answer is no?"
 
 Another long silence on her end that he took for hesitancy and added, "Mac it's OK.  I 
mean I understand that things aren't great with us and well I was thinking maybe a 
couple days on the beach together might make a small step toward. . ."
 
 "Toward what Sailor?"
 
 "Do you not know?"
 
 "I'd like to hear you say it."
 
 "Us, OK?  Us.  That is if you still want it."
 
 She drew her breath in sharply, hearing the challenge in his voice.  He was wanting 
her to make an effort in response to his.  He made the first move, now it was up to her 
to respond in the positive. "Name the time and place.  I'll be there."
 
 "Yes thank you," he breathed.  "Let me see where I can get rooms and I'll call you 
back tonight OK?"
 
 "I'll be at home and. . .Harm, thanks.  I'm looking forward to it."
 
 "Yeah me too," he smiled and hung up.  "See Rabb that wasn't so hard."   
  
  *****************
  Saturday Morning
  Virginia Beach IHOP
  
  "Hi" she said quietly as she walked in and saw him sitting in the waiting 
  area.
  
  "Hi yourself" he smiled as he stood up. "How was the drive down?"
  
  "Pretty good for a Saturday morning. Course I'm starving now."
  
  "Then we're at the right place," he said as they headed to the hostess.
  
  "So you're here for another week?" she said softly once they'd ordered 
  breakfast.
  
  "Unfortunately. But I couldn't abandon Ensign Bell. Especially since Singer 
  is determined that this case is going to make her famous. How's things at 
  JAG?"
  
  "Quiet now that Harriet is gone. Bud's being Bud."
  
  "I think maybe it would be a good idea if we didn't talk about them this 
  weekend" Harm said quietly. "I'd rather we just concentrate on us for a 
  change."
  
  "I can do that" she nodded. "How's your shoulder? You look like it's still 
  hurting you a lot."
  
  "It has its moments. But I'm managing."
  
  "So what did you have in mind for the weekend?" she asked. "Since this is 
  just us time?"
  
  "Some quiet time on the beach. Maybe a game of putt putt if my shoulder 
  doesn't complain too much. Nothing too strenuous. Maybe some talking if we 
  can do that without fighting."
  
  "I'd like to try. That's why I came down here."
  
  "Good. So would I."
  
  They finished breakfast and headed to the beach area, Mac following him to 
  the parking lot of the Holiday Inn.
  
  "Are we staying here?" she asked when they'd both climbed out of their cars.
  
  "Yeah I stayed here last night. I just needed some quiet time. And the room 
  has two beds so whatever works for you is okay with me. I didn't want to 
  presume anything."
  
  Once her stuff was safely in the room they headed down to the boardwalk.
  
  "You still aren't sleeping much are you?" he asked quietly.
  
  "I get a few hours a night. That's enough."
  
  "Are you ever going to tell me what the nightmares are about?"
  
  "No. They'll go away. How about you? You still getting visits from Jen?"
  
  "No" he lied. "It's over. I've put it behind me."
  
  "Have you?" she asked.
  
  "Of course. Can we talk about something better than what's happened the past 
  few weeks?"
  
  "Yeah that might be a good idea," she said with a small smile.
  
  "Sorry. I'm still a little snappy" he sighed. "Can I plead insanity brought 
  on by a week with Singer?"
  
  She couldn't help but laugh and he smiled as well. "Okay Commander. You're 
  off the hook this time. But you only get the Singer insanity plea just once 
  this weekend."
  
  "I promise I'll be good," he said softly. "And I really have missed you this 
  week."
  
  "I've missed you too. And I'm glad you called me. I was thinking you'd 
  forgotten about me now that you were working with Singer."
  
  "Never. I kept wishing you were with me instead of her."
  
  They walked a bit more before returning to the room to change into their 
  swimsuits.
  
  "Nice Marine" Harm smiled approvingly when she emerged in her bikini. "Very 
  nice."
  
  "Thank you" she smiled before her eyes caught sight of his shoulder. She 
  hadn't seen him without a shirt since he'd been hurt and she couldn't take 
  her eyes from the large bandage and the injured area around it.
  
  "Mac it's okay," he said quietly when he realized what she was looking at 
  it. "It looks a lot worse than it is now."
  
  She nodded but her gaze remained fixed on it. He could so easily have died. 
  If the shrapnel had hit a little higher or lower, things might have been 
  very different.
  
  "Mac" he said softly. "You okay?"
  
  "Yeah I'm okay" she whispered. "I'm sorry."
  
  "Don't be. But I'm okay now. Honestly."
 
 Her hand shook as she reached to touch the bandage and she swallowed hard.  "Are 
you going to be able to swim?" she managed to ask.
 
 "Yeah I'm allowed to get it wet.  I just keep the bandage on otherwise because my 
shirt rubs the incision and irritates it.  I'm going to take it off and put a tee shirt on.  I'm 
sorry it bothered you.  I didn't think. . ."
 
 "No it's OK," she gulped.  "It's just that I hadn't seen it before, and it really hit home 
how you might have. . .You know Clay said he didn't think you were going to make it."
 
 "Clay was worse than a mother hovering over me afterward," he grinned, turning his 
back to her to pull the bandage off and when he turned back to her she could see the 
brief flash of pain as he slipped into the shirt.
 
 "Let's get you covered up too," he went on.  "I don't need every smart-ass sailor on 
the beach eyeing you.  That's my place and I don't share well."  
 
 "Bossy aren't we," she laughed and handed him her shirt. He helped her into it and 
picked up the towels. As soon as they emerged onto the sand he took her hand.  "This 
is OK isn't it?" he asked, suddenly hesitant.
 
 "It's very OK," she whispered.  "Very OK.  Very much feels right in fact."
 
 He swung her hand as they walked and there was silence for the next few minutes as 
they walked into the warm ocean water.  "I'm glad you came," he said finally.  "I wasn't 
sure you would."
 
 "I wasn't sure I should," she replied honestly.  "Sometimes this whole mess just 
seems so overwhelming.  You know sometimes I just try to forget it ever happened, 
but nights are the worst.  Once I have the nightmare I just lie there and. . ."  Her hand 
went to her mouth as she realized not only did she reaffirm to him she was still having 
them, but that he would be witness since they were sharing the room.
 
 "Mac?"
 
 "Uh sorry. . .nothing."  She turned to face him, wrapping her arms around his waist.  
"I'm glad I came.  Honest."  She vowed she would later attempt to explain the 
nightmares and then shook off the thought.  They were here to try to reconnect and 
that was exactly what she intended to do.
 
 "OK I could get real used to this," he grinned, rocking her back and forth as the water 
swirled around them.  "Them I'm going to wax your six at the best goofy golf layout 
they have here, and after that I'm going to let you buy me dinner to celebrate my 
victory."
 
 "You've got it all planned out don't you mister," she laughed.  "But I propose a small 
change in those arrangements.  The loser buys the winner dinner, place of the 
winner's choosing and to show you that I'm not the kind to take advantage, I'll give you 
a two-stroke handicap in favor of your shoulder."
 
 "I won't need it," he laughed.
 
 "Just get that credit card ready," she retorted as a large wave overtook them and he 
held her tightly, letting it pass as they ducked and came up spluttering.
 
 "I haven't been this relaxed in a while," he sighed when the water calmed, and before 
she could move or react, he engaged her lips in a gentle but lingering kiss.
 
 "I like how you relax," she smiled when it was over, resting her head on his chest.
 
 "Me too."
 
 For the next hour they walked on the beach and waded in the water, stopping to 
watch one of the Sunfish Sailboats just out beyond the breakers.  "That would be 
something we could do tomorrow," he suggested.  "I know basically how."
 
 "Basically scares me," she laughed.  "I'd rather hear expertly."
 
 "Hey trust me," he laughed as well.  "We could go out in the afternoon and stay until 
sunset.  Could be real uh. . .well you know. . .romantic."
 
 "Yeah I know but I don't believe that's what you're saying," she sighed happily.  "OK 
Sailor, and I mean that literally, you're on."
  
  The rest of the morning and afternoon passed quietly with them either 
  strolling around or lying on the beach.
  
  "Why at times like this does it all seem so easy?" she asked as they made 
  another trip down the beach.
  
  "Because we don't have everyone else's problems on top of trying to figure 
  out us," he said with a small smile.
  
  "Is there an us?"
  
  "There damn well better be. I know it's gotten lost in all this but you and 
  I had started something before the world went crazy."
  
  "Yeah we had" she nodded.
 
  "Mac I want an us. I really do. Tell me you want the same."
  
  "I do" she whispered. "But sometimes." Her voice trailed off and she looked 
  out at the deep blue ocean. She'd almost slipped up and told him about her 
  fears. The fears that came to life every night in her nightmares.
  
  "Sometimes what?" he prodded. "Mac talk to me. I know you've been holding a 
  lot in. And I want you to talk to me."
  
  "It's silly. Honest it's nothing. I'll work through it."
  
  "Work through what?"
  
  "Nothing" she said with a forced smile. "Forget I said anything. We're 
  supposed to be having a good time here."
  
  He opened his mouth and promptly closed it again. There was something she 
  was keeping from him. Something about how she felt about him. Maybe she 
  didn't feel the same way he did.
  
  "Yeah sure" he sighed. His shoulder was starting to ache and with the sudden 
  change in mood again he decided maybe they needed a break. "You know maybe I 
  should take a break for a bit and go back to the room."
  
  "You okay?" she asked, the concern evident in her voice. "Is your shoulder 
  hurting?"
  
  "Yeah. But you don't have to go back up if you don't want to. Don't let me 
  spoil the day."
  
  "Harm you're not spoiling the day. I do care about you you know. And if you 
  want to go back up for awhile I'll go with you. And then we'll reevaluate 
  our plans for tonight and tomorrow."
  
  He nodded and without a word started towards the hotel.
  
  "So much for things being easy" she sighed as she followed after him. Every 
  time they seemed to be going forward something happened to push them back.
  
  A half-hour later he was asleep on the bed, thanks to another painkiller. 
  She'd been surprised that he was still taking them but from the look on his 
  face she'd known why. She quietly made her way over to him, gently sitting 
  down on the side of the bed. When he slept he looked so peaceful and she 
  couldn't resist reaching out a hand and gently pushing the hair back from 
  his forehead.
  
  "Sleep well" she said softly before leaning forward and gently kissing his 
  lips.
  
  With a sigh she headed to the bathroom for a long shower to remove all the 
  salt water and sand from her body. When she emerged, he was tossing in his 
  sleep, mumbling softly. She made her way over to him, not surprised at all 
  when she caught the words he was mumbling.
  
  "Jen I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

  She sat down again, wondering if she should wake him or let it go. He'd 
  obviously lied when he'd told her that he was having the nightmares about 
  Jen anymore.
  
  "It's my fault" he mumbled as he tossed more. "My fault you're dead. My 
  fault Corporal Lindsay is dead. Nothing is right and it's all my fault."
  
  "Harm it's not" Mac whispered softly. He mumbled some words she couldn't 
  understand and she was about to wake him when his next words made her 
  freeze.
  
  "I love her Jen. But she doesn't love me."
  
  She knew exactly who he was talking about but she had no idea why he would 
  think she didn't love him. Nothing could be further from the truth.
  
  "Harm wake up" she said softly as she gently shook him. "Harm it's okay."
  
  "Jen" he murmured before realizing that it was Mac who was now talking to 
  him.
  
  "No it's me," she said quietly. "You okay?"
  
  "Yeah I'm fine" he sighed. "And before you say a word, I don't want to talk 
  about it."
  
  "How often do you talk to her?" she asked.
  
  "I don't talk to her."
  
  "Sounded like you were having a conversation with her just now. Telling her 
  how it was all your fault that she and Corporal Lindsay were dead."
  
  "Mac don't go there" he sighed. "Please."
  
  "Harm talk to me" she said gently. "Tell me how you feel."
  
  "When you tell me how you feel" he countered bitterly.
 
 "I don't feel anything but numb," she returned.  "Nothing but numb where Jen is 
concerned.  It was a tragedy, another in a long line of deaths I've been associated it.  I 
liked the woman and I'm sorry she died.  But maybe it was for a purpose--one that we 
don't know yet.  What I do know is that you're consumed with this and I'm afraid for 
you.  Afraid for us Harm.  We waited so long and we thought we might finally be there.  
Renee and Mic gone.  We were getting along better these last months than at any 
time since before your sea duty.  Am I making any sense here?"
 
 "It can't be just about us," he retorted bitterly.  "Too many others involved.  Jen and 
Bud and Harriet for starters."
 
 "Harm if we don't make it about us--about you and me--there is not ever going to be 
an us," she said quietly.  "And let me remind you that you were talking us just before 
you went to sleep, and that you wanted it too."
 
 "I do Mac, but I don't want it with all this baggage attached."  He wiped his face with 
the back of his hand, trying to keep his mind focused despite the pain medication 
making him fuzzy.  "OK look I need to sleep a while yet, and then I still want to do the 
golf and dinner can we?  And please, if I start up again, just ignore me.  Eventually 
she gives up and leaves me be."
 
 "You're serious aren't you?" she gasped in sudden realization.  "You really do talk to 
her?"
 
 "Not intentionally but she comes to me as I sleep," he admitted.  "Look I can't explain 
it, and the last thing I want is a psych eval in my jacket.  So leave it be.  As my friend 
I'm asking you to leave it."
 
 "No.  As your friend and the person who on this whole planet probably cares for you 
the most, I don't think I can," she told him, meaning every word. 
 
 "Goddammit Mac I want to be left alone," he exploded, so loudly that she cringed and 
stepped back from him, falling back against the wall.  Her father had been a screamer 
and it still chilled her to the bone to hear words shouted in anger at her.
 
 Without another word Harm shoved his feet into shoes and threw his shirt on, heading 
for the door.  "I'll be back," he flung over his shoulder.
 
 "And I may not be here," she answered, though the words were lost in the door slam.  
 
  For a moment she simply stood there before finally deciding what she had to 
  do. This had been a mistake and she couldn't stay any longer if this was the 
  way they would be to each other. Calmly she gathered her stuff, expecting 
  him to return while she was doing so. But there was no sign of him by the 
  time she'd finished packing and with a long sigh she sat down at the desk 
  and pulled out the paper and pen from the drawer. It took her but a few 
  minutes to pen the note and she left it on his pillow before gathering her 
  stuff and heading out. It wasn't until she was out of the beach area and on  
 I-64 east that she finally gave into the tears. A weekend that had 
  promised so much had turned out so horribly and she couldn't stop the tears 
  once they started.
  
  *******************
  Back on the beach Harm tiredly made his way back to the room. He'd lost 
  track of how long he'd been gone, only knowing that he was now exhausted 
  from the long walk he'd taken up and down the boardwalk.
  
  "Mac" he called as he let himself into the room. "Mac you here?"
  
  A quick glance around told him she wasn't and his eyes caught sight of her 
  missing bag a moment later. It was then that he saw the note and with a long 
  sigh sat down on the bed as he reached for the paper.
  
  Dear Harm:
  
  I'm sorry but I had to leave. I could not watch what little there is of us 
  get destroyed like it is. I wanted so much for this weekend to be a positive 
  step in the right direction for us. But I don't think that is possible right 
  now and I thought it was best if I just left.  I haven't given up on us, but 
  right now it just seems so far out of reach.
  
  Sarah
  
  "I'm sorry Mac" he whispered. "I hurt you just like I hurt everyone. I'm so 
  sorry."
  
  He fell back against the pillow and for a long time lay there looking up at 
  the ceiling. Since Jen's death, everything had been spiraling out of 
  control. And he couldn't figure out how to stop any of it. Not Bud and 
  Harriet, not him and Mac. Everything was wrong.
  
  For the longest time he lay there and it wasn't until the throbbing in his 
  shoulder became unbearable that he finally moved. There was only one way he 
  was going to get through the evening and with a sigh he pushed himself back 
  up.
  
  An hour later he'd finished the second beer and downed another painkiller as 
  he waited for the two to work their magic and take him into oblivion again.
  
  *******************
  Monday Morning
  JAG HQ's
  
  "You look like hell" Sturgis commented as Mac walked in. "Bad weekend?"
  
  "Yeah you could say that" she sighed. She hadn't called or talked to Harm 
  since she'd left Virginia Beach and he had made no attempt to call her 
  either. Obviously he'd been happy that she'd left.
  
  "Anything I can help with?" Sturgis asked quietly. "I know I'm not Harm but 
  if you want to talk I'd be happy to listen."
  
  "Thanks Sturgis but right now I'm not really in a talking mood."
  
  "If you change your mind you know where to find me," he said with a small 
  smile. He started to walk away, only to have her reach out a hand to him.
  
  "Do you think we could talk at lunch maybe?" she asked softly.
  
  "Sure. I'll even treat."
  
  "You don't have to do that but thanks" she sighed. "I appreciate it."
  
  The morning passed quietly and it was just before lunch that her phone rang.
  
  "Colonel Mackenzie."
  
  "Mac this is Lydia Sims, Harriet's mother" the voice on the other end said 
  anxiously. "It's Harriet. She's having problems with the baby."
  
  "Oh god not again" Mac whispered. "How is she?"
  
  "I don't know yet" Lydia Sims sniffled. "But she wants Bud. She begged me to 
  call you so you could tell him."
  
  "I'll tell him" Mac promised. "What hospital is she at so I can tell him?"
  
  She got the necessary information and hung with the promise to call her back 
  as soon as she talked to Bud.
  
  "Bud we need to talk" Mac said as she hurried into his office. "It's 
  Harriet. She needs you."
  
  "Ma'am I'm really don't want to talk about this now" Bud sighed. "She's with 
  her parents and that's the best thing."
  
  "Bud she needs you. She's having problems with the baby. You need to go to 
  her."
  
  "Baby? What baby?"
  
  "The baby she couldn't tell you about because you two haven't been speaking" 
  Mac sighed. "Now listen to me Bud. You need to get on the next plane to 
  Florida."
  
  "She's pregnant and she didn't tell me" Bud screeched. "Is it my baby?"
  
  "Bud J. Roberts" Mac gasped in shock and surprise. "How dare you even think that? 
Just because you 
  were keeping yourself busy with Jen doesn't mean Harriet was."
  
  "Look I'm sure I'm the last person she wants right now" Bud countered. 
  "Maybe you can go be with her."
  
  "I don't believe you" Mac shouted. "This is your wife Bud. How can you turn 
  your back on her when she needs you.  She's asking for you and you owe her that 
much—and a helluva lot more."  With that she stomped out of his office and back to 
hers. She'd just reached her desk when her phone rang and she angrily grabbed it.
  
  "Colonel Mackenzie."
  
  "I guess this was a bad time to call" Harm said quietly.
  
  "Oh no. I'd say your timing is just perfect Commander. I can tell you about 
  how Harriet is in a hospital in Naples and might lose her baby and how her 
  husband doesn't think he should go to her. And you want to know why that is. 
  Because you never made him work anything out with Harriet."
  
  "Baby?" Harm whispered. "Harriet's pregnant?"
  
  "Yes she is" Mac snapped. "But because you allowed Bud to hide out at your 
  place they never talked about anything. And if she loses this baby I can 
  assure you their marriage really will be over."
  
 "Yeah just add it to my tab," he said sadly.  "My fault.  Everything is."
 
 To that she reacted with silence, unable to tell if he was being sarcastic, feeling sorry 
for himself or  simply totally discouraged.
 
 "Mac?"
 
 "Yeah I'm still here.  I'm not even real sure why I told you except I wanted you to 
know.  They're both your friends as well as mine."
 
 "OK.  Is Bud preparing to leave?"
 
 "I don't know what in the hell he's doing," she snapped.  "All I could get out of him was 
that he thought he was the last person she wanted and maybe I would go to her.  And 
that was asked if it was his baby of all the crazy things."
 
 "Are you going?"
 
 "Hell no," she yelped.  "She has her folks there, and that's all the non-husband people 
she needs.  She needs Bud Harm.  She needs him to pull his head out of his six, 
forget this dead woman as best he can, and be there for his wife and babies.  That's 
not so hard to understand."
 
 "Not to you.  To Bud it's a whole brick wall," Harm replied quietly.  "And if he's just 
going to make Harriet miserable going there, then he's right in staying away."
 
 "It doesn't have to be that way," she replied.  "Look this is like talking to Bud.  It must 
be genetic."
 
 "Maybe we could talk about what I called about instead?"
 
 "And that would be?"
 
 "The weekend, and how I hate what happened.  And how I want us to try again."
 
 "Sorry, I let my membership in the Masochist Society expire," she retorted, frustration 
and fear for Harriet making her not censure her words.
 
 "OK I deserved that.  And I'm taking that as a no?"
 
 "Good plan.  Harm I told you I wasn't giving up on us, because I don't think it's totally 
gone yet--what we have between us that is, but I can't do that with you again any time 
soon.  Get through your case and come back here and then we'll see."
 
 "Is that a promise?"
 
 "It's a promise to not give up," she replied.
 
 "All right I can accept that for now.  And I see my opposing counsel riding in on her 
broom so I'm going to cut this short.  We're going to talk plea bargaining but unless I 
agree to life in the electric chair it's hopeless.  Please, please let me know any Harriet 
news.  You can email or leave a voice mail."
 
 "I will.  Harm I. . ."
 
 "Mac?  Yeah?"
 
 "Please take care of yourself Sailor.  Your stress level has to be off the charts, and I 
care so much about you."  Angrily she wiped away an unwanted tear.  "Just take 
care."  With that she hung up the phone.
 ===============
 NORFOLK
 
 "I care about you Sarah," he breathed into the dead phone.
 
 "Well if you're through caring maybe we could talk Ensign Bell," Singer growled.  
"Commander I've laid out several points here on this paper so we can go over them 
one by one.  Sometimes sir when we talk like this I find you intimidating and I don't 
make all my points."
 
 "Then by all means have at it Lieutenant," Harm invited, sitting down at the 
conference table and pressing his fingers to his temples to try to stave off the daily 
headache. 
 
 A long fifteen minutes passed as she droned on.  "So you see sir, on charge four, 
failure to comply, she's guilty enough there to. . .  Sir I don't really have your attention 
do I?"
 
 "Yes you do.  Whatever gave you that idea?"
 
 "Because your eyes are closed and I've all but called your client a moron.  Which is 
next."
 
 "I'm sorry Loren, really I am," Harm sighed.  "Look, Colonel Mackenzie called me just 
before you came in with some bad news, and I had a weekend that would have to 
travel a long way up just to get to crappy, and then the whole thing in Afghanistan.  My 
injury, which is going to drive me over the edge if it doesn't stop aching, and then 
there's Jen. . .Petty Officer Coates."
 
 "Oh for pity sakes sir," she groaned.  "I'm sorry about your weekend, and sorry about 
whatever's wrong with Mac and I don't like what happened to Coates, but maybe you 
should learn to live with it.  I mean you talked her into staying in, encouraged her to 
take the Seahawk assignment even.   It's your fault she's dead OK, but I have a job to 
do so live with it."
  
  If she'd slapped him he wouldn't have been more surprised by her words.
  
  "What?" she sighed when he sat there looking at her.
  
  "I can't do this today" he managed finally. "We're going to have to get a 
  continuance."
  
  "Continuance" she shrieked. "Why do you need a continuance?"
  
  "Singer please" he begged. "You have no idea what's going on."
  
  "And I don't care" she retorted. "The only reason you want a continuance is 
  because your client is guilty and we both know there's no way you're going 
  to get her off. But postponing the inevitable isn't going to work."
  
  "Dammit Singer what part of I can't do this don't you get" he snapped 
  suddenly.
  
  "With all due respect sir, you are way out of line" Singer snapped back. 
  "I'm sorry that life has been a little rough but get over it. We have a job 
  to do here."
  
  "I can't get over it," he shouted as he leapt to his feet.  "People are 
  dead. You just don't get over something like that."
  
  He turned and ran from the room, not stopping until he was outside the 
  building. The world was closing in on him and he had to get away. Away from 
  everything and everyone. He headed to his car and drove back to the BOQ.
  
  He'd just gotten to his room when his phone rang. He reached for it and was 
  about to answer it when he stopped. It was either Mac or Singer. Mac to tell 
  him that Harriet had lost her baby. Or Singer demanding him to come back to 
  the courtroom. Either way he didn't want to talk to them. It continued to 
  ring as he grabbed the bottle of painkillers and he ignored it as he downed 
  several pills.  
  ***************
 
 Two Hours Later
  
  "Lieutenant, where is Commander Rabb?" Admiral Bradley asked Lt. Singer.
  
  "Sir, I have no idea" Lt. Singer replied. "He simply took off. I don't have 
  a clue why. I thought he would have come back by now."
  
  "We cannot continue without the Commander" Admiral Bradley sighed. "This 
  court is in recess until the whereabouts of Commander Rabb is determined."
  
  "Great" Singer muttered. "He got what he wanted."
  
  She headed back to the BOQ and noticed his car there at once. She strode to 
  his room and began to pound on the door.
  
  "Commander Rabb" she shouted. "Open this door."
  
  She could hear the cell phone ringing in the room and listened to see if he 
  answered it. There was no sound from inside and she pounded louder.
  
  "Commander Rabb. Open this door now."
  
  "Lieutenant can I help you?" a young ensign asked as he approached her.  "I'm on 
the housing staff and I heard you pounding".
  
  "Open this door" she ordered. "I know Commander Rabb is in here and he has 
  some explaining to do to Admiral Bradley."
  
  "Ma'am are you sure he's in there. I mean he would have answered with all 
  the noise you've been making."
  
  "His car is here and I know he's hiding out in there" Singer snapped. "Now 
  open this door."
  
  He opened the door and looked inside, seeing Harm on the bed.
  
  "How could he have slept through that?" he asked as he made his way to the 
  bed, Singer quickly pushing past him.
  
  "Commander get up" she shouted. "Now. We were supposed to be in court a half 
  hour ago."
  
  "Ma'am I don't think he's going to answer you" the young man said as noticed 
  the empty prescription bottle on the bed. He quickly reached down to check 
  for a pulse while Singer looked on with shock.
  
  "He wouldn't have. No way."
  
  "He's still alive" he reported. "But his pulse is very weak." As he spoke he 
  reached for the phone next to the bed and dialed the number for base 
  emergency services.
  
  Harm's cell phone rang again just as the medics arrived minutes later and 
  Singer reached for it.
  
  "Lt. Singer" she said quickly.
  
  For a moment Mac couldn't speak. After trying Harm's cell phone for the last 
  two hours, the last person she'd expected to answer was Singer.
  
  "Hello is anyone there?" Singer asked.
  
  "Lieutenant it's Colonel Mackenzie" Mac said finally. "I need to speak to him 
  please."
  
  "That's not going to be possible right now ma'am."
  
  "Lieutenant what's going on down there?" Mac demanded. "Where is Harm and why 
are 
  you answering his phone?"
  
  "Because your partner attempted suicide at some point this afternoon, and right now 
I wouldn't bet on him pulling through judging from the looks on the paramedics' faces 
here.  Weak pulse--shallow respirations they're saying.  Wish I had better news 
ma'am.  I can call you back later if you'd like."
 
 "Don't you dare hang up that phone Lieutenant," Mac shrieked, her thoughts racing a 
mile a minute.  Suicide?  No not Harm.  No matter how upset he was.  Never would he 
do that, to her or to himself. "And I don't for one second believe he tried to take his 
own life.  Whatever happened, it wasn't that."  She took a long breath and ran her 
hand through her hair, struggling for a calm she knew she would not attain.  "Talk to 
me Lieutenant.  What's happening now?"
 
 The door to her office was open and her voice carried easily to the outer office.  
Almost at once Sturgis heard her distress and all but ran to her office.
 
 "Mac what the hell is wrong?" he demanded, his agitation growing when he saw her 
face.  Her eyes were wide with alarm, and she was already pale and beginning to 
tremble.
 
 "Mac answer me," he said gently but firmly, his arm going around her shoulders.  
 
 "Lt. Singer's on the phone telling me some wild tale about Harm trying to kill himself," 
she gasped.  "And that doesn't even matter.  The medics are with him and he's not 
looking good.  God Sturgis I'm so scared."
 
 "OK OK, give me the phone," he ordered, reaching with his free hand while pushing 
her down in her chair.  
 
 "Lieutenant Singer is that you?"
 
 "Yes sir."
 
 "Good.  Now in your best professional manner, I want you to tell me what happened 
with Commander Rabb.  And I'm not Colonel Mackenzie lady.  You're not going to 
push my buttons or play games with me because I'll have you written up in a 
heartbeat.  Now go ahead."
 
 There was a short silence on Singer's end while she realized with whom she was now 
dealing.  "Sir, I came to the Commander's room to remind him we were due back in 
court and I knew he was in there but he wouldn't come to the door so I had one of the 
people on staff open up and we found him.  Sir the paramedics are putting in an IV 
line and have his heart monitored and they're taking him to Portsmouth they're saying.  
I don't know what else to tell you."
 
"Mac they're taking good care of him it sounds like," Sturgis told her, "but I have to 
agree with you--something happened but it wasn't a suicide attempt."
 
 "We have to get to him.  I'm leaving now.  Tell the Admiral will you," she gasped, 
grabbing for her purse.
 
 "Whoa no way.  No way are you driving three hours on those nightmare roads as 
upset as you are," he said firmly.  "We have to report this to the Admiral anyway, and 
I'll get permission to go with you."
 
 "OK yeah thanks," she gasped and waved her hand at him, wanting the phone.  
"Lieutenant put the phone up to Harm's ear.  Now."
 
 Singer looked aghast but did as she was ordered, trying to stay out of the way of the 
paramedics.
 
 "Harmon Rabb I don't know what's going on with you, but I'm on my way to find out 
and when I get there you'd better be alive and conscious with a good explanation," 
she all but shouted, then added softly, "Harm, don't leave me.  Don't let it end like this 
between us."  Her last word came out with a soft sob and she handed the phone back 
to Sturgis.  "We have to hurry.  Please."
 
  "Lieutenant., if anything changes, I want you to call us back" Sturgis ordered. "In 
  the meantime, we're going to talk to the Admiral and then we'll be on our 
  way down."
  
  "I guess this means I have to stay with him?" Singer sighed.
  
  "Yes Lieutenant  you will stay with him or else" Sturgis said sharply. "Do I make 
  myself clear?"
  
  "Yes sir" she said before disconnecting.
  
  "Okay lets go find the Admiral and let him know what happened" Sturgis said 
  gently as he reached for Mac's arm and helped her to her feet.
  
  "I don't understand" Mac whispered as Sturgis led her across the bullpen.  "I 
  know he was having a hard time with everything but Harm would never do 
  this."
  
  "I agree and until we find out exactly what happened I think we should not 
  think the worst. It's possible something else happened."
  
  She nodded and seconds later they were in AJ's office.
  
  "Mac what is it?" AJ demanded. "Did something else happen to Harriet?"
  
  "No sir" she whispered. "It's Harm. I've been trying to reach him for the 
  past two hours to tell him that Bud is on his way to be with Harriet. And it 
  just kept ringing and ringing. And finally Lt. Singer answered. And she was 
  in his room and." Mac's voice broke and she looked helplessly to Sturgis to 
  finish telling AJ what had happened.
  
  "Commander what's going on?" AJ demanded.
  
  "It appears that Harm has overdosed on the pain killers he's been taking" 
  Sturgis said quietly. "Singer and the attendant at the BOQ found him in his 
  room with the empty bottle."
  
  "Suicide?" AJ whispered.
  
  "That was Lt. Singer's first reaction but sir I've known Harm for a long 
  time and there is no way in hell he would have done this intentionally."
  
  "Are you aware how troubled he's been about everything" AJ said quietly.
  
  "I was sir" Mac sobbed. "And part of it is my fault. I went to see him last 
  weekend. To try and work things out. But we ended up fighting more and we 
  left without speaking to each other. And sir I just want to get to him right 
  now." Her voice broke again and Sturgis gently pulled her into his arms.
  
  "Sir, from what Lt. Singer said it was pretty serious," Sturgis added 
  quietly. "They were going to take him straight to Portsmouth."
  
  AJ paled considerably at Sturgis's words and at once pressed the intercom 
  button. "Tiner, get me Andrews. I need to get a chopper to Portsmouth ASAP."
  
  "Thank you sir" Sturgis nodded. "I'd like to accompany Mac."
  
  "As soon as I can get Singer back up here I'll be down there as well" AJ 
  said quietly. "I feel just as responsible as anyone else for this. I knew 
  when he came back from the assignment with Webb things weren't right. And I 
  didn't press him and I should have. Hell since Jen's death nothing has been 
  right around here."
  
  "Sir, blaming yourself won't change what's happened" Mac sniffled.
  
  "I know. And I'll get you down there to see what the hell is going on with 
  that sailor of yours just as soon as I can."
  
  An hour later Mac and Sturgis boarded the chopper bound for Portsmouth. It 
  had taken calling in some major favors on AJ's part but he'd finally managed 
  to secure the ride for his two officers, with the promise that he'd be down 
  as soon as he could.
  
  "Mac you okay?" Sturgis asked once they were in flight.
  
  "I don't know" she whispered.
  
  "Mac tell me what's going on. You were going to today before the world went 
  crazy again. You know you can talk to me. I'm both your friend and Harm's."
  
  "I had no idea he was this upset" Mac sniffled as the tears slid down her 
  face. "I knew he was still having the dreams about Jen but I never thought 
  it was this bad."
  
  "Harm was dreaming about Jen?"
  
  "He talked to her. He never did tell me what they talked about but when I 
  was there this weekend I heard him again. He was blaming himself for what 
  had happened to her and Corporal Lindsay."
  
  "Did you ask him about it?"
  
  "That's when we got in the fight. He told me to leave him alone. So I did. 
  God Sturgis if I'd known he was this upset I would never have left him. 
  Course I was beginning to wonder why he was still taking the pain pills. It 
  seemed like by now he should have stopped but he said his shoulder was still 
  bothering him."
  
  "What was he taking?" Sturgis asked.
  
  "Oxycontin I think" Mac frowned. "I just know whatever it was it used to put 
  him right out."
  
  "He's on that stuff" Sturgis gasped. "Mac I've heard all kinds of bad stuff 
  about that drug."
  
  "How bad?" Mac demanded.
  
  "Bad as in its highly addictive and lots of people have overdosed on it."
  
  "Oh god I had no idea" Mac whispered. "Are we talking accidental overdoses?"
  
  "Sometimes. Mac you and I both know Harm well enough to know he wouldn't do 
  something like this intentionally."
  
  "I want to believe that Sturgis. But I just don't know. Everything was 
  falling on his shoulders and maybe it was just too much for him. Especially 
  after I left him."
  
  "Look like I said, I've known this guy forever, not like you maybe but still. . . " Sturgis 
sighed.  "And unfortunately unless he can prove that he did not do this intentionally, 
it's going to go on his record and I'm afraid the only thing he's going to be flying after is 
a carnival ride."
 
 "Just another thing taken from him," she murmured, unconsciously resting her head 
against the side of Sturgis's arm.   "This is my fault.  I should have stayed with him, 
should have made the best of the weekend, should have. . ."
 
 "Why don't you wait and see what the man has to say," Sturgis insisted.  "Maybe this 
is simply an accident.  It's very easy to OD with those things.  You can forget how 
many you've had and take more.  I read the other day that in some areas of places 
like Detroit they're going for $40 a pill, and even doctors are getting in on the drug 
money."
 
 She shuddered and said nothing, withdrawing into her thoughts until the chopper 
startled her by bumping down on the helo pad atop Portsmouth Naval.  Sturgis 
hopped down and reached back for her and it did not take long to be directed to the 
ward in which Harmon Rabb was being kept.
 
 "One visitor at a time right now, " the nurse told them sternly.  "And don't expect any 
privacy.  He's on suicide watch."
 
 "And the nightmare continues," she murmured to Sturgis, turning back to the nurse.  
"What's the latest on his condition?"
 
 "He's stable," she said distractedly.  "We'll be keeping him here forty-eight hours 
though.  Sometimes damage to liver and kidneys takes that long to show up.  After 
that, well I'm sure Dr. Trask is going to want him into treatment."
 
 "Harm is not crazy. . .or suicidal," Mac growled and Sturgis put a calming arm around 
her shoulders to take her to his room.
 
 "I'll wait outside the door for a little while just to be sure you two are OK," he told her, 
and Mac gave his hand a quick squeeze.  He was a good friend and she was grateful 
for having him.
 
 He walked her the rest of the way and when she opened the door could not resist 
peering in for himself.  Harm lie in bed, sitting partly upright, an IV running into his 
hand, a hand that was fastened to the mattress with restraints.
 
 He heard Mac's gasp and he rested both hands on her shoulders.  "You going to be 
OK?"
 
 "Fine.  F-ing fine," she returned.  "Go.  I need to be alone with him anyway."
 
 With that, she marched into the room, not attempting quiet.  Harm's eyes were open 
and he stared straight ahead, and some point on the wall opposite his bed.
 
 For a long moment she could neither speak nor move, and she wasn't sure he even 
knew she was present.  "Harm?"  Her hand went to his shoulder and she pressed 
carefully.  "Harm can you hear me?"
 
 Still no response, save a quick blink.  His eyes did not move from their point of 
fixation.
 
 "Harm what?  Why can't you. . ."  Her alarm grew and she gave his shoulder a none-
too-gentle squeeze.  "Harm what's wrong?  OK you may be upset with me for leaving 
you the other day and I can deal with that, but dammit after scaring the hell out of me 
today you can at least look at me.  I was afraid you were going to die Harm.  Scared to 
death I was going to lose you and you and I are no where finished."
 
 He blinked once more but still did not move and her alarm grew.  "Harm talk to me," 
she begged, and despite her best intentions to the contrary, the tension of the past 
few days, culminating in Singer's phone call, reduced her to tears.  "Dammit, I swore I 
wasn't going to do this," she gasped and reached for the tissue box on his nightstand.  
"Dammit."  
 
  He seemed oblivious to her tears, which simply made her cry even more. 
  Somewhere inside was the man she loved but she couldn't reach him. And he 
  wasn't reaching out to her.
  
  "Harm please" she sobbed. "I know you can hear me. Look at me. Scream at me. 
  Please just do something."
  
  He remained motionless and she dropped her head against him shoulder as she 
  sobbed.
  
  "Harm we can get through this" she sobbed. "Together we can. I know you feel 
  like you've carried the burden from all of this. But you're not alone. I 
  love you Harmon Rabb."
  
  Her sobs continued as the guard in the room stood by quietly. Finally he 
  motioned for Sturgis who'd stayed outside the room and gently Sturgis led 
  her from the room to a nearby chair, where she sobbed on his shoulder for 
  several minutes before finally raising her tear streaked face.
  
  "You okay?" he asked gently.
  
  She shook her head and sniffled. "I can't get through to him. It's like he's 
  blocked out everything. Including me."
  
  "Mac maybe the stuff is still likely in his system. I'm sure it's going to 
  take some time before he's truly aware of where he is and what's going on."
  
  "What if he doesn't want to become aware?" she whispered. "What if I pushed 
  him over the edge?"
  
  "You" Sturgis scoffed. "Mac you need to stop blaming yourself right now. 
  This is not your fault. Whatever happened today was not your doing. It's 
  just another piece in a tragic series of events. But it is not your fault."
  
  "I don't understand" she wailed. "I just don't understand."
  
  "Well he didn't leave a note" the voice of Loren Singer said as she walked 
  up to the pair. "So I guess you'll have to wait until he explains himself."
  
  "You talked to him last" Mac snapped as she looked at the young woman "What 
  did he say to you?"
  
  "He'd just gotten off the phone with you" Singer countered. "And then 
  started going off on how he couldn't handle the case today. That he wanted a 
  continuance. I told him no."
  
  "Why in the hell did you do that?" Mac demanded.
  
  "Because the only reason he wanted a continuance was because he knew he was 
  going to lose. He was just trying to delay the inevitable."
  
  "What did he specifically say to you?" Sturgis asked.
  
  "I don't know. He said something about getting bad news from Mac. But he 
  never said what it was. And then he complained about a bad weekend and then 
  he was moaning about the dead girl again and I told him to start dealing 
  with it. That he was the one who talked her into staying in the Navy and 
  he'd just have to live with it."
  
  "You said that to him?" Mac gasped. "My god, how insensitive could you 
  possibly be."
  
  "How was I supposed to know he was on the edge? I just assumed he was having 
  a bad day. I had no idea he'd try and kill himself because of it."
  
  "Lieutenant, there's no proof he tried to kill himself" Sturgis said patiently.
  
  "With all due respect sir, there was an empty bottle on his bed. That pretty 
  much tells the story." With that she walked away and Sturgis gently pulled 
  Mac into his arms.
  
  "He was so upset" she whispered. "And he didn't call me because he probably 
  felt I didn't care. It's my fault Sturgis. I blamed him for everything that 
  happened with Bud and Harriet. And with us. And then Singer told him Jen's 
  death was his fault. He didn't have anyone to turn to and it's my fault."
  
  "Shh" Sturgis soothed. "It's not your fault."
  
  "It is" she wailed. "I yelled at him Sturgis. He asked if we could try 
  getting together again and I told him no."
  
  "Mac this isn't going to help" Sturgis said gently. "Come on."
  
  "No it is" she sobbed. "I've pushed him away since we got back because I was 
  afraid. Afraid I was going to lose him like I did in my nightmare every 
  night. And now I have lost him."
  
  "Wait, what nightmare?" Sturgis asked. "Mac come on talk to me. You've 
  obviously been keeping a lot inside. Both of you have."
  
  "The nightmare of him being killed by a land mine" she whispered. "It 
  started right after Jen's death. And when he came back hurt, they got 
  worse."
  
  "Did he know about the nightmares?"
  
  "No" she sniffled. "I wanted to tell him but I couldn't. I started to 
  several times but I couldn't."
  
  "Mac you should have talked to someone about this. And you should have told 
  Harm the truth."
  
  "I know" she whispered. "He probably thought I hated him. And I don't. I 
  love him so much Sturgis and if I lose him now I don't know what I'm going 
  to do."
  
  "You're not going to lose him" Sturgis soothed. "He's going to get through 
  this."
 
"And even if he lives, what if he's like that?  And that's not living.  Oh god Sturgis what 
if his mind is trapped inside him some how.  What if inside he's functioning and can't 
make himself respond.  Or even what if the drugs somehow fried his brain?"
 
 "Ma'am may I be excused?" Singer, who had lingered nearby, piped up.  "Look I wish 
I could tell you more that would be helpful.  Commander Rabb was a fine officer."
 
 "Was?  Did you say was Lieutenant?"  The stress had sent Mac over the edge and 
she started toward the woman, only to have Sturgis grab her arm.
 
 "I. . .I. . .yes I guess I did.  And it's the truth," Singer stammered.
 
 "Lieutenant if you refer to Commander Rabb in the past tense again in my presence 
I'm going to reach down your throat and rip out your heart."
 
 "Ma'am I. . ."
 
 Mac took another menacing step toward her and Sturgis clamped on to her tightly.  
"Get out of here Lieutenant, tend to the case that JAG sent you here on, but you can 
be sure I've made note of your conduct."
 
 She turned and all but ran, and Mac leaned weakly against Sturgis.  "OK I can at 
least breathe.  Now what?"
 
 "We've got to find the doctor," Sturgis told her calmly.  "See what the prognosis is."
 
 "Could you maybe do that?  I'd like to go back and sit with him.  Maybe by some 
miracle, he'll open his eyes to do more than just stare.  Open his eyes and tell me. . ."
 
 "That he loves you?" Sturgis asked gently when her words failed and when she 
looked startled he smiled softly adding, "I heard you tell him that.  Sorry.  I wasn't 
eavesdropping really.  Just that in this quiet voices carry and. . .I'm sorry."
 
 "Hey don't be.  Not like I hadn't already confessed that to you," she sighed.   "It's OK.  
Can you find the doctor?"
 
 "You got it," Sturgis nodded and gave her cheek a quick kiss.  "He'll be OK.  The 
Harmon Rabb you and I know will find his way through this."
 
 "Thanks."  She swallowed hard and walked back into Harm's room.  "Harm I'm here 
again, and I'm not leaving you until you look at me and tell me to get the hell out of 
here because you and I have no chance.  At least I'll know that the Rabb I've known 
all these years is alive and well inside there."
 As she spoke she sat on the edge of the mattress and lifted his hand to her face, 
placing a kiss in the palm and then rubbing the back against her cheek.  "Please 
Harm.  Please."

  ******************
  "There's no reason for him to be like this" Doctor Trask informed Sturgis.
  
  "So this isn't a reaction from the drugs?" Sturgis asked.
  
  "No Commander it's not. He hadn't taken as many as originally thought, which 
  is why we're standing here having this conversation and not another."
  
  "Okay well that's the good news I guess" Sturgis sighed. "So physically he's 
  going to be fine?"
  
  "We're still monitoring his liver and kidneys but so far I'd say yes. As for 
  how long it's going to be before he's mentally okay, that I can't answer. 
  It's up to him."
  
  "Well Rabb you better get your act together" Sturgis murmured a few minutes 
  later as he stood outside the door to his room. "This is not acceptable."
  
  Mac finally noticed his presence and with a sigh stood up and walked out of 
  the room. "So what did the doctor say?" she asked quietly.
  
  "The good news is that they're pretty sure he's going to be fine. Physically 
  that is. The not so good news is that the way he is right now isn't a 
  reaction to the drugs."
  
  "When does he think he'll come out of it?"
  
  "It's up to Harm" Sturgis said softly.
  
  "So he could be like this forever" she whispered.
  
  "Mac you're thinking the worst again. A few hours ago you were afraid he 
  wasn't even going to live. We've pretty much gotten past that. And we'll get 
  past this part."
  
  "I'm staying with him then until he comes out of it then" she vowed. "He's 
  going to know I'm there and that I care and that he's not alone anymore."
  
  She managed to persuade Doctor Trask that she should remain with him and 
  that the guard was unnecessary if she was going to be there.
  
  "Mac you can't sleep here" Sturgis sighed as he tried to reason with her. 
  "You need some real rest. You're not going to get that here."
  
  "I'm not going to get it at a hotel either Sturgis" she said firmly. "It's 
  done and I'm staying. Please don't fight me on this. I need to be with him."
  
  "All right. You know how to reach me if you need to right?"
  
  She nodded and with one last hug he finally left her alone with her sailor.
  
  "Okay Harm" she said softly as she reached for his hand. "It's just you and 
  me now sailor. Anytime you want to talk you just let me know. I'm not 
  leaving until you do."
  
  She did her best to stay awake and it was the wee hours of the morning when 
  she drifted off, comforted enough by the warmth of his hand in hers to 
  sleep. But it wasn't long before she woke again, something pulling her from 
  her sleep.
  
  "Harm this is so wrong" a voice said quietly. "Why are you doing this to 
  yourself? You have to let it go."
  
  Mac raised her head; barely managing to stifle a gasp when she did so.
  
  "Oh good you're awake too" Jen said softly. "I need to talk to you to Mac."
  
  "Jen?" Mac whispered. "Why are you here? Don't you realize what you're doing 
  to him?"
  
  "I didn't mean for him to do this. I tried to tell him it wasn't his fault. 
  That I didn't blame him. I just wanted him to make sure Bud was happy again. 
  He loves Harriet and he needs to be with her."
  
  "He is now," Mac said softly.
  
  "I know" Jen smiled. "And they're going to be okay now. And you and Harm 
  will be if you both let go of what happened. I know you pushed him away 
  because of your nightmares. But you have to let go of them. Harm is very 
  much alive. He didn't die in Afghanistan. And he's not going to now either."
  
  "They were so real" Mac whispered.
  
  "They're not real Mac. They're just your fears. Harm isn't going to leave 
  you. Not for a long time."
  
  "Do you want to tell him that" Mac sniffled. "Because he's the one who tried 
  checking out on me."
  
  "He didn't Mac. He was hurting and he just wanted away from the pain. He 
  loves you more than anything in this world."
  
  "And I love him" Mac whispered as she looked over at him. "And I want him 
  back with me."
  
  Jen nodded and turned back to Harm. "Harm its Jen. I need to talk to you. 
  You have to listen to me."
  
  "Jen" he murmured his eyes still closed. "Jen I'm sorry."
  
  "Harm you need to let go. There's nothing to be sorry for. Everything is 
  going to be okay. Bud and Harriet are together again. He can go on with his 
  life now."
  
  "But you're still dead" he wailed. "And it's my fault."
  
  "No it's not. Harm listen. Because of you, the last months of my life were 
  happy. They were the best moments of my life. After years of heartache, I 
  found a place I belonged. With a man that I loved who loved me back. I died 
  happy Harm. And I wouldn't trade that for anything. You gave me that 
  happiness Harm."
  
  "But you lost it all" Harm whispered.
  
  "No. I have every treasured moment still. Just like I always will. And now I 
  want you to have the happiness you deserve. Let it go Harm. Let go of me and 
  what happened. Mac is here and she loves you. And you love her. And together 
  you'll get through this."
 
 "I do love him," Mac sighed.  "So very much.  I just hope that we can. . ."
 
 "All you have to do is relax and let it happen," Jen told her.  "Harm you need to pay 
special attention there.  You love this woman don't you?  Let me hear you say it."
 
 "I love her with all my heart," Harm replied at once.  "I love her and I want us to be 
together."
 
 "I know you do.  I saw that in you two at Christmas.  So don't waste another minute of 
the time God has granted for you two to be together.  You don't know how long that's 
going to be.  Mac listen up.  No one is guaranteed tomorrow.  No one.  No. . ."
 
 Jen's image faded from their subconscious and Harm tossed restlessly on the bed.  
"Jen?"  The first word he had spoken.  "Jen?"
 
 The word ripped Mac from her sleep.  
 
 "Jen please."  Harm's voice.  "Jen where are you?"  
 
 "Harm she's not here.  She had to. . ." Mac began before she realized the absurdity of 
what she was saying.  It had been a dream after all.  A dream she and Harm had 
apparently somehow shared and now. . ."Harm?  Harm are you. . .Harm you can hear 
me?"  One hand fumbled for the bedside light and the other, still encasing his, 
squeezed tightly.
 
 "Yeah I can hear you don't yell I've got a headache that I haven't seen since Sturgis 
and I polished off three bottles of. . . Mac what the hell are you doing here?  In fact 
what the hell am I doing here?  This isn't my room.  I'm so. . ."
 
 "Ssshhh it's OK," she soothed, resting her free hand on his forehead and quivering 
with relief and joy.  "You're going to be OK now.  God Harm I was so scared.  So 
scared that you had gone somewhere and weren't going to come back to me.  I love 
you Harm.  There I needed to get that said before anything else.  I love you."  She 
stopped for breath and he stared at her in awe.
 
 "And I love you.  But you knew that. . .didn't you?"
 
 "If wanting could make it so, then yeah I did," she smiled.   "You had me so scared.  
They called and said you had OD'd and that it was intentional and I didn't know what 
to think."
 
 "OD'd?  You're kidding.  No.  On purpose?  They think on purpose--that I wanted to 
die?"
 
 "Well I guess the jury is out on that.  But you took a bunch of your pain pills.  You 
don't remember?"
 
 His brow knitted in consternation and she kissed his cheek.  "Never mind.  It's not 
important anyway.  Only thing that matters is you're going to be OK.  And you are 
going to be fine.  God sent you back to me."
 
 "I don't remember anything," he whispered.  "Nothing after coming back to my room 
after talking to Singer.  I was hurting, and I grabbed my stuff to take and that's the last 
thing I remember.  Until I was talking to Jen and you were there too.  What a totally 
strange dream."
 
 "I was there Harm," she said quietly.  "I had the same dream."
 
 "God I'm so confused," he whispered, "and this headache isn't helping."
 
 "You need something for it," she said and started to reach for the nurse call button.  
 
 "No please don't," he gasped.  "I don't want to go back to sleep.  Not yet anyway.  I 
want you and me to. . .I want to be with you.  I've already lost too much time.  No one 
is guaranteed tomorrow."
 
 "That's what Jen said," Mac breathed, trembling slightly. "We somehow had the same 
dream.  And I'm confused too."
   
  "Mac that's not possible" Harm sighed. "There has to be some explanation for 
  this."
  
  "There is. Jen wanted to talk to both of us. She was here Harm."
  
  "Mac she's dead. How could she be here?"
  
  "She's visited you before right?" Mac countered. "This time she wanted to 
  talk to me too."
  
  "About what?" he prodded.
  
  "About why I was pushing you away?" Mac said quietly.
  
  "Why were you pushing me away?" he asked nervously. Despite her earlier 
  words he was almost afraid to here her answer. Afraid she was going to tell 
  him that she didn't love him.
  
  "The nightmare" she answered. "Remember when I stayed with you and I woke up 
  screaming."
  
  "Go on" he nodded.
  
  "It was you. You stepping on a land mine and being killed. Not Jen. Not 
  Corporal Lindsay. In my nightmare it was always you."
  
  "Mac why didn't you tell me?" he whispered. "I don't know what I could have 
  done but at least I would have known."
  
  "You didn't tell me about Jen?" she sniffled.
  
  "Because I didn't want to end up at the psych ward" he sighed. "But 
  ironically that's where I am isn't it?"
  
  She nodded and squeezed his hand. "It's okay. No one thinks you're crazy. 
  But you should have talked to someone. Even if it wasn't me. The Admiral, 
  Sturgis, anyone."
  
  "I tried talking to Singer," he said with a long sigh. "But she wasn't real 
  sympathetic."
  
  "Wrong person" Mac said quietly. "However I probably do have to thank her 
  for saving your life. If she hadn't gone to your room to find you, we might 
  not be having this conversation."
  
  "I know" he nodded.
  
  "Commander you're back with us" the nurse said as she walked into the room.
  
  "Yes he is" Mac whispered as she held his hand tightly. "And he's got a 
  really bad headache. Is there something you can give him?"
  
  "Mac no. I don't want to be out of it again" Harm sighed.
  
  "Colonel he's going to have a lot worse than a headache real soon" the nurse 
  said seriously as she checked Harm's vitals.
  
  "What do you mean?" Mac asked.
  
  "He's going to go through withdrawal from the Oxycontin."
  
  "Withdrawal?" Mac said anxiously.
  
  "Yes ma'am" the nurse nodded. "Fortunately he hasn't been on it that long. 
  But there's still likely to be some of the normal withdrawal symptoms."
  
  "Okay we can get through this" Mac said quietly as she turned her attention 
  back to Harm when the nurse left.  "As long as we're together we can get 
  through this. All that matters is your going to be okay. You just rest and 
  take it easy. From the sounds of it you're not going to be a happy camper 
  later on."
  
  "Mac how bad was alcohol withdrawal?" he murmured.
  
  "It's not something I ever want to go through again" she whispered. "And I'm 
  not going to like seeing you go through this if it's worse than that. But I 
  won't leave you. We'll get through it together."  
  ********************
  Six Hours Later
  
  "Please kill me now" Harm moaned as he fell back against the pillows after 
  another round of vomiting.
  
  "I wouldn't say that too loud around here" Mac reminded him. "Dr. Trask 
  still thinks you tried to kill yourself remember."
  
  "I would have if I'd know this was going to happen" he muttered.
  
  "Not funny sailor" Mac sighed. "Not even remotely funny."
  
  "Sorry. And this is exactly why you shouldn't be here. I'm going to be a 
  pain and I know it and you should just leave me alone in my misery."
  
  "We're going to get through your misery together. I can handle what ever you 
  throw at me. I love you remember. And having you still with me on this earth 
  is all that matters."
  
  "I love you too. And thank you for doing this" he sighed. "You don't have 
  to. I'd understand if you wanted to leave."
  
  "I'm not leaving," she said softly as she gently pushed the hair back from 
  his sweat-covered forehead. "You need me and I'm going to be here for you."
 
 The nurse approached the bed before Mac could answer.  "Mr. Rabb looks like we've 
got more running out of you than is going in, but that's OK.  It's your body's way of 
purifying itself."
 
 "My body and I aren't too happy with each other just now," he grumbled.
 
 "And it's going to be worse," she smiled.  "I'm sorry.  Oxycontin is amazing when it's 
used right and trouble if it's abused, intentionally or not."
 
 "I'm not even taking Tylenol ever again," he yelped.
 
 The nurse laughed at that and adjusted his IV, injecting the line from a syringe as she 
did so.  "This is for the nausea and pain.  Mild sedative to help you get through this a 
little easier."
 
 "Hey no I don't want to," he objected, his hand going to where the line was inserted in 
his hand.
 
 "Yeah well when you complete med school you can be your own doctor; in the 
meantime Dr. Trask wants you to get some rest.  Otherwise your body is not going to 
have the will to fight this off."  She gave his shoulder a sympathetic pat and walked 
out.
 
 "Mac tell them please I don't want anything," he gasped.  "Don't let them again."
 
 "Harm I haven't been to med school either remember.  I'm saving that for after 
retirement," she giggled.  "Now where were we?  May as well use the time to talk until 
you sleep since it's not likely you're going to get up and run off."
 
 "We were discussing you leaving me to my misery," he replied darkly.
 
 "Give it up Commander Cranky," she admonished him, taking the cloth from its 
icewater basin and wiping his face and the exposed area of his chest.  "I love you and 
I'm going no where."
 
 "Well I don't love him but I am glad to see he's doing better."  
 
 Mac jumped when she heard AJ's voice from the doorway and she turned around 
sheepishly, getting to her feet.  "Good morning sir.   The uh. . .the Commander and I 
are trying a little honesty here for a change."
 
 "Yes and I imagine that's pretty refreshing isn't it?" AJ smiled, walking up to the other 
side of the bed.
 
 "Yes sir."
 
 "Commander they told me you were going to be OK.  Is that true?"
 
 "I think they exaggerated sir," he sighed.
 
 "Uh. . .looking at you I would have to agree," AJ smiled.  "You're in for a rough about 
forty-eight hours the doctor said."
 
 "Which is why I'm staying with him," Mac spoke up, wiping his face once more and 
then taking his hand.  
 
 "Sir did you come all this way just to see JAG's so called Golden Boy in misery?"
 
 "Just checking on one of my people," AJ replied.  "Physically they're saying you're 
going to be fine once your body de-toxes."
 
 Harm nodded and Mac pressed his hand hard between hers, even harder at AJ's next 
question.  
 
 "Harm as your friend, but a little as your C.O., let me ask you for an honest answer to 
this please.  Did you. . ."  He paused, suddenly not sure of the words he wanted to use 
and Harm smiled slowly.
 
 "Did I intend to do away with myself?  No sir.  I was in pain, physical and mental pain 
and I just grabbed the pills and for some reason I took more than I should.  The only 
thing I can say is that one had stopped helping, and two were taking forever, so I 
remember that I grabbed the bottle and dumped them out and. . .and it gets really 
fuzzy there and fades to black.  No.  I was not suicidal.  To the best of my 
recollection."
 
 "Good.  And that's good enough for me, given how well I know you.  But you're going 
to have to clear psych before you come back on duty.  You knew that."
 
 "Yes sir," he nodded.  "I have no problem with that."
 
 "Good, but just to be sure, I know a guy with a place down near Nags Head on the 
beach that he's always saying come down and use.  So I'm taking him up on that.  For 
you and the Colonel.  Check out of here, go there and take a week just to rest and 
connect and. . .well I hope it hasn't been so long for either of you that I have to 
explain."
   
  "Sir I don't know what to say" Harm said quietly.
  
  "You don't have to say anything. Just promise me that you'll use the time 
  wisely to work through everything."
  
  "Yes sir we will" Harm nodded.
  
  "Sir, have you heard from Bud and Harriet?" Mac asked.
  
  "Yes. The word is both Harriet and the baby are doing fine."
  
  "Thank god" both Harm and Mac murmured.
  
  "How about Bud and Harriet?" Harm asked.
  
  "Taking the first steps" AJ smiled. "I'm going to be a bit short staffed for 
  the next few weeks. Bud has asked for leave so he and Harriet can stay in 
  Florida for a week and work on things some more. And of course you two will 
  be at the cottage."
  
  "If I survive this" Harm said tiredly, the sedative the nurse had put in his 
  IV starting to have the desired effect.
  
  "You'll survive" AJ assured him. "You've got the woman who loves you beside 
  you. You'll get through this."
  
  "Yes sir I do" he said with a small smile as he looked to where his and 
  Mac's hands were joined. "And I don't plan to let her go this time."
  
  "She doesn't plan on letting you go either" Mac smiled as she stroked his 
  forehead with her free hand. "Not ever."  
  ***************
  Twenty Four Hours Later
  
  "Easy Flyboy" Mac soothed as he struggled through another bout of vomiting. 
  He finally fell back against the pillows and she reached for the washcloth 
  to wipe his forehead and face.
  
  "Please kill me" he moaned.
  
  "I'm sorry," she said softly. "I wish there was something I could do to make 
  this better."
  
  "You should go get some rest" he sighed, knowing that she'd barely sleep the 
  night before. Between his restlessness and being sick, they both had gotten 
  just small bits of sleep.
  
  "I'll survive. We can sleep when we get to the cottage. Right now being with 
  you is more important than sleep."
  
  "Have I thanked you at all for this?"
  
  "I have all the thanks I need," she said softly. "I still have you in my 
  life. I don't even want to think about the alternative. Even though you 
  weren't trying to kill yourself you almost succeeded. So I'm more than happy 
  to put up with this. And hopefully this isn't going to last too much 
  longer."
  
  "I cannot survive another twenty four hours of this" he groaned.
  
  "You can and you will" she said sternly. "Don't even start wimping out on 
  me Harmon Rabb. I know this sucks but you'll get through it."
  
  "I see our patient is a little unhappy" the nurse said as she walked in. 
  "You're almost past the worst of it Commander."
  
  "Can I get that in writing?" he grumbled.
  
  "Lawyers" she smiled. "Sorry no promises in writing here. You'll just have 
  to hang tough for another twenty-four hours and we'll see how you are. And 
  seeing as how you've had your own private nurse here, you shouldn't be 
  complaining so much."
  
  "No I shouldn't" he sighed. "And she deserves the Medal of Honor for putting 
  up with me."
  
  "Yes she does" the nurse laughed. "But I think that's called love. And 
  honey, this woman loves you a lot."
  
  "That she does" Mac said softly as the nurse walked out. "More than this 
  stubborn sailor realizes."
  
  "Well stubborn sailor loves you too" Harm sighed. "And wants very much for 
  you to get some rest so you don't wear yourself out taking care of me."
  
  "I can handle it" she assured him. "Will you stop worrying about me and 
  worry about yourself for a change. That's how you got into this mess you 
  know. You were worrying about everyone but yourself."
  
  "I was just trying to help everyone get through what happened," he said 
  quietly.
  
  "And along the way you just forget to deal with your own feelings."
  
  "Guilty" he said quietly.
  
  "And that's something we're both going to spend some time working on. Our 
  feelings. And not bottling things up anymore like we both did after Jen 
  died."
 
 "It almost cost us everything," he whispered.  "Everything we hold dear."  His hand 
convulsed around hers and he sobbed slightly.  
 
 "Sshh OK Flyboy, let it go," she whispered as well.  "We're all getting back to where 
we should be.  Even Bud and Harriet."
 
 "The baby is OK, really?"
 
 "For the fifth time yes.  Sonogram showed a baby doing flips and turns.  Harriet is on 
medication to prevent uterine contractions and she's going to be fine.  They're letting 
her out of bed in a few days and she can come back to DC.  She's going to work half 
days until she's eight months gone and then she's home to bed for the duration.  
Sounds like a plan to me."
 
 "And does it sound like something you want to do at some point still?"  His eyes 
pierced hers despite the physical misery he was feeling and she blushed.
 
 "You mean do I want you to hold up your half of our deal?  You better believe I do," 
she smiled.  "I want a baby very badly yes.  When the time is right."
 
 "And it wasn't with Mic?"
 
 She gave him a short derisive laugh before saying slowly, "Mic could be a very sweet 
man.  He could also be very self centered and impatient and he didn't share well.  No I 
can't imagine him a father.  You on the other hand. . ."  She lifted the back of his hand 
to her cheek.  "Well let's say it bears talking about."
 
 "Well I doubt I'm ever going to stop barfing long enough to do more than talk," he 
gasped, struggling for the basin which she immediately put in place.  "You're sure 
killing me is out of the question?"
 
 It took twenty four more hours for Harm's body to throw off the last of the chemical 
and he finally fell asleep, this time a sleep of exhaustion and not induced by 
medication.  As soon as he did so, Mac curled up next to him, folding herself into the 
pocket his body made for her curled on his side and she too slept.  Twelve hours 
worth for both of them.
 
 Harm was the first to return to awareness.  He jumped at first as he awoke, startled 
by two things--the fact that he felt almost normal and the weight that was pressing on 
his chest.  The latter concern dissipated almost at once when he realized what it was.  
 
 "Sarah" he breathed, his hand at once going to stroke her hair.  She murmured, 
coming semi awake only to smile when she saw he was holding her and fall back to 
sleep again.
 
 "Mr. Rabb she's pretty exhausted," the nurse smiled and Harm knew then why he had 
awoken.  His pulse was being checked.  "She hasn't left your side here."
 
 "I know.  I want to make it up to her somehow," he sighed.  "We're getting a week in a 
cottage on the beach.  I plan to make good use of that."
 
 "OK that explains the message I got earlier then," she smiled again.  "A Mr. Turner 
called and said to tell Mr. Rabb and Ms. Mackenzie their chauffeur would be along."
 
 "We are so indebted to these people," he sighed.
 
 "Friends don't keep score," she reminded him as Mac stirred and lifted her head.  
 
 "I was telling him that," she whispered.
 =================
 FOUR HOURS LATER
 
 "And this would be the place," Sturgis called, pulling the SUV into the sand that was 
the front yard of a small cottage.  "You guys keep your seats, I'm coming around.  Plus 
as entangled as you two are, you're going to fall out of the door if you try to get out 
without help."  
 
 Harm and Mac had spent the hour from Portsmouth curled together and semi dozing 
in the back seat, listening to Sturgis's CD collection and enjoying the closeness of 
each other.
 
 "You're staying aren't you?" Harm asked as he accepted Sturgis's hand to climb down 
and reached back for Mac.
 
 "Hell no," Sturgis laughed.  "You were too out of it to notice, but there happens to be 
a nurse at Portsmouth named Haley with three days off and a little place on the river 
and I'm outta here as soon as I get you unpacked."

  "This is nice" Mac murmured tiredly as she looked around. "We've got the 
  place all to ourselves."
  
  "Exactly what we needed" Harm sighed as helped her towards the door. "Peace 
  and quiet for a change."
  
  "Okay guys you're on your own" Sturgis said once he'd delivered their bags 
  to the cottage. "I'll see you in three days."
  
  "Thanks for everything" Mac smiled. "Especially hanging with me when I was 
  about to lose it a few days ago."
  
  "That's what friends are for" he said before giving her a hug. "Harm stay 
  out of trouble for a change will yah?"
  
  "I'll try" Harm smiled. "We're just looking forward to some down time here."
  
  "You both need it that's for sure."
  
  He was gone a moment later and they both sank down on the sofa of the 
  cottage, too exhausted at the moment to do anything else. They slept for a 
  few hours and when they both woke it the evening sun was just starting to 
  make it's way down.
  
  "You up for a walk before dinner?" she asked.
  
  "We may have to hold each other up" he laughed as he helped her to her feet 
  before getting up as well.
  
  "Haven't we always done that?" she smiled softly.
  
  "Yes we have," he said as he reached for her and hugged her tightly before 
  finally releasing her. "Come on, let's walk."
  
  Hand in hand with their feet just touching the water they walked the beach.
  
  "This is heavenly. I can't believe the Admiral arranged this for us" Harm 
  said finally.
  
  "I think he felt a little guilty about what happened."
  
  "Guilty about what?"
  
  "For not realizing that none of us were dealing with Jen's death sooner. Not 
  that we couldn't have just admitted we were all having problems."
  
  "He asked me before I went back with Clay. Course I lied and told him 
  everything was fine."
  
  "Is it now?" Mac asked softly. "Are you really okay now?"
  
  "I still wish Jen were alive" he admitted. "But I know that's she okay with 
  what happened. That those few months she had with Bud made up for a lifetime 
  of unhappiness. I'm just glad she had that."
  
  "You know she loved you too" Mac smiled. "You were her hero."
  
  "That's why I felt so responsible for Bud and Harriet. She wanted Bud to be 
  with Harriet and she wanted me to fix it. Which of course I didn't."
  
  "I guess somehow God made it all right," Mac said softly. "He brought Bud 
  and Harriet back together and us as well."
  
  "I'm glad" Harm smiled. "These past few weeks have been hell. All I wanted 
  after we got back from Afghanistan was for us to work everything out. And 
  instead we got further and further apart."
  
  "It's over sailor" she whispered. "We are together now. And I hope we will 
  be for a long time."
  
  "As long as you can stand me" Harm said with a small smile. "You've got me."
  
  "And for that I do thank God every night when I go to sleep" she said 
  softly. "Too many times we've come close to losing each other forever. And 
  only by his grace are we standing here today."
  
  "Do you think we can get it right this time?" Harm asked.
  
  "I think so" she nodded. "I want it. I know that almost losing you as made 
  me realize that I couldn't live my life without you. Even if I wanted to."
  
  "Neither could I" he whispered before pulling her into his arms. "I love you 
  Sarah Mackenzie."
  
  "And I love you Harmon Rabb" she said softly. "Just don't give me any more 
  scares like the past week please."
  
  "Promise. Let's just hope the Navy doesn't think I've lost it completely 
  after this."
  
  "Just tell them the truth. Course you still may have to go see the Navy 
  shrink for a while."
  
  "Some old guy who's going to regress me back and dig up all my childhood 
  fears" Harm laughed.
  
  "Preferable to another blonde who might try and seduce you while she's 
  trying to figure out the Rabb mind" Mac smiled.
  
  "Won't work"
  
  "Why not?"
  
  "Because the only woman I want is right here with me," Harm said softly.
  
  "Harm," she managed before a soft sob took her words and tears appeared on her 
cheek.
 
 "No need for tears Angel," he whispered, his mouth to her ear and then sliding around 
so that his lips could swallow hers in a long kiss.
 
 "Someone taught you pretty well how to do that," she whispered.  "But feel free to 
practice that as much as you want."  
 
 "Count on it," he promised and laughingly leaned down and scooped up a handful of 
water to splash her with.
 
 "You do think you're all that don't you Squid," she laughed as well, mimicking his 
action only using two hands and managing to wet the front of his shirt.  
 
 "I know I am," he hollered and reached for her only to have her dance out of his grasp 
stepping further into the water, backing away from him, until too late she realized she 
had stepped off the shelf that made up the shoreline in that spot.  From less than two 
feet deep the ocean went to ten in a matter of a step and she squealed in surprise 
before the next breaker swallowed her.
 
 Harm plunged after her, shouting her name, reaching her but a few seconds later.  
His long arms went around her and he lifted her to her feet.  "Mac, OK?"
 
 "Yes of course I'm OK," she sputtered.  "But if ever a place called for a sign, that was 
it."
 
 "You scared me," he pouted and a second later was kissing her hard.
 
 "I didn't mean to," she yelped when she could breathe.  "Don't yell huh.  That's mean."
 
 Her laughing eyes told him she was not serious and he kissed her once more.  "We 
could go make up you know."
 
 Her breath caught sharply as she realized what he was implying.  "You think you've 
got that kind of strength?"
 
 "I think there's nothing more I want to do right now than spend the evening in that 
comfortable looking bed," he declared.
 ============
 Four hours later they had made love, slept, and made love again.  Finally still not 
completely well, Harm fell into a deeper sleep and Mac settled against him, pulling out 
a book she was reading.  
 
 It was just after 10PM when she was surprised by a tapping at the door.  And even 
more surprised a second later to hear Bud's voice calling to them.  A bolt of fear went 
through her as her thoughts went to Harriet. 
 
 Slipping carefully from the bed and into her robe, praying her fears would not be 
realized, she flipped on the light and ran to the door.
 
 "Ma'am," Harriet smiled and a second later Mac was giving her a warm hug.  
 
 "I don't know how you got here you guys but I'm glad to see you," Mac murmured.  
"Harriet you look great.  How are you really?"
 
 Before Harriet could answer, a sleepy-eyed Harmon Rabb appeared behind them, 
rubbing his face with his hand and dressed only in maroon knit boxers.  "OK what the 
hell is going on out here," he groaned, not getting his eyes open enough to realize.
 
 "Commander very nice," Harriet smiled and looked from him to Mac.
     
  "Harm we have guests" Mac laughed. "Look alive sailor."
  
  "Bud, Harriet" he gasped. "Are you okay? Is the baby okay?"
  
  "We're all fine," Bud said as he wrapped his arm around his wife's waist, 
  his hand gently patting her belly. "Including this little one."
  
  "You've worked everything out?" he whispered.
  
  "Yes we did sir" Bud nodded. "And I wanted to say thank you for everything 
  you did. I couldn't have gotten through this without you."
  
  "I didn't do anything" Harm stammered.
  
  "You were there for me sir" Bud said quietly. "And I appreciate that."
  
  "Why don't Harm and I get showered and dressed and then we can all go have 
  breakfast?" Mac suggested. "We can all talk more then."
  
  An hour later they sat at a booth at a small diner on the island and after 
  the waitress had taken their orders Harm was the first to speak.
  
  "I'm glad you two worked everything out."
  
  "I'm sorry it took us so long," Bud said quietly. "And that we dragged you 
  into our problems like we did. The Admiral told us what happened at Norfolk 
  last week."
  
  "Bud it wasn't your fault" Harm assured him. "Everything just kind of caught 
  up with me at once. But it all worked out anyway."
  
  "I guess so" Harriet smiled as she looked at Mac. "I guess you two are 
  finally together."
  
  "Yes we are" Mac smiled as she looked at Harm. "Out of all this pain and 
  sorrow, some good has finally come."
  
  "Yes it has" Harm nodded. "And you two are really okay?"
  
  "Yes we are" Harriet answered. "We're going to be okay aren't we Bud?"
  
  Bud smiled and kissed his wife gently and Harm and Mac smiled from across 
  the booth.
  
  After breakfast they headed back to the cottage and Bud gently helped his 
  wife into one of the chairs outside.
  
  "Bud how about a walk?" Harm asked.
  
  "Go on sweetie" Harriet smiled. "I'm fine."
  
  He nodded and a moment later Bud and Harm slowly walked along the shore.
  
  "I'm glad you and Harriet are okay," Harm said quietly. "She loves you very 
  much you know."
  
  "And I love her too."
  
  "You've worked through what happened with Jen?" Harm asked.
  
  "I loved her sir. A small piece of me loved her and it always will. But 
  she's gone and she would have wanted me to go on with my life with Harriet. 
  I love Harriet and we belong together."
  
  "What if Jen hadn't died?" Harm asked. "Did you love her enough to leave 
  Harriet?"
  
  "I don't know sir" Bud admitted. "It's not something I can answer. I just 
  know that I love Harriet and I want to be with her."
  
  "I'm glad. You two belong together."
  
  Bud nodded and they walked a bit further in silence before he finally spoke 
  again. "Sir was it really an accident? Or did you want to kill yourself?"
  
  "Bud I didn't want to kill myself. Honest. I just got a little caught up in 
  the pain killers and didn't realize what I was taking."
  
  "Then the Admiral didn't just say that so I wouldn't feel bad?"
  
  "No Bud" Harm said with a small smile. "And it's not your fault. I'm the one 
  who was holding everything in. And not dealing with what had happened."
  
  "Have you gotten over Jen's death?" Bud asked quietly.
  
  "I think so" Harm sighed. "I uh don't know if I should admit this but I 
  talked to Jen after she died."
  
  "You did?" Bud gasped. "Like for real?"
  
  "Well she was very much a part of Mac and I coming together" Harm smiled. 
  "You can even ask Mac. She swore she saw her that night. But I'd talked to 
  her several times before. She was always worried about you."
 
 Bud gulped and look away.  "She visited me too.  Several times.  She had to be a 
very special person to have such a strong spirit don't you think sir?"
 
 "Yes I do Bud.  Very special."
 =====================
 "This is perfect," Harriet sighed.  "Someone had to know just what you two needed."
 
 "We've gotten a lot of help from a lot of sources," Mac agreed.  "I wasn't sure it was 
going to happen."
 
 Harriet's expression grew pained as she spoke again.  "Ma'am, he didn't really. . .I 
mean he. . ."
 
 "Harriet it's OK to say it," Mac smiled.  "Attempt suicide.  No.  At least he says he 
didn't and I'm not going to press him any further than that.  He said he was just 
grabbing his pills, and his only thought was relief and I want to take him at his word."
 
 Harriet nodded her understanding.  "He scared you bad didn't he?"
 
 "Oh yeah he did," she nodded sadly.  "Regardless of what happened, I nearly did lose 
him."
 
 "Well you guys looked pretty cozy this morning," she laughed.
 
 Mac blushed.  "Yeah we're going to be OK.  About time."  She reached over to lay a 
warm hand on her friend's arm.  "And you and Bud?  You've worked through his 
feelings for Jen?"
 
 "We're going to get some counseling when we go back, just to be sure we're not 
holding anything inside that's going to fester," she nodded.  "But yeah we are.  He's 
sworn he loves me, and wants our family intact and that's good with me.  I think he did 
love her, and well I guess I can understand it's possible for a person to feel love for 
two people.  Differently of course.  I mean for a long time I watched you be in love with 
the Commander and love Mic Brumby at the same time right?"
 
 "In different ways, on different planes I guess," Mac agreed.  "And the baby is doing 
good?"
 
 "I have to be careful.  I won't be picking up AJ or doing any PT that's for sure," she 
smiled.  "It was a bad scare, especially after Sarah."  She looked out over the water 
and out of the corner of her eye saw Harm and Bud approaching.  "Let's walk down 
and meet them.  I'm dying to squish my toes in that sand."
 ===============
 In the weeks that followed, not only did Bud and Harriet see a counselor, but Harm 
and Mac did as well.  Harm initially started at the orders of the Navy.  In view of his 
overdose, his flight status was temporarily rescinded until he was cleared by a 
psychological review board.  With the benefit of counseling, plus an abundance of 
desire and love, and guidance from Above,  life normalized.
 
 Harriet grew large with their baby, and by November had been ordered to bed.  It was 
just about that same time that Harm sold his loft and moved in to Mac's apartment.  
The first step of a life together.
 
 Now the week before Thanksgiving week, Bud had been sent to Boston on a case, 
and Harm and Mac were helping Harriet with AJ as she was supposed to remain in 
bed as much as possible.
 
 "OK he's down for the count," Harm declared, coming in from AJ's room and flopping 
on the floor next to Mac's chair.  "He's so funny.  One minute I'm reading to him, and 
he's bouncing off the wall, and the next he's curled up with that blanket, which by the 
way is scarcely more than lint.  I  hope he's getting a new one for Christmas."
 
 "Hah," Harriet chortled.  "He's got four new ones, none of which he'll touch.  Thanks 
Harm.  And I'm sorry I didn't ask before you got comfortable but I need the bathroom.  
Have I mentioned that I hate that Bud was sent off?"
 
 "In the last ten minutes, probably not," Mac smiled, rising to help Harm ease her from 
the bed and escort her to the bathroom.
 
 Taking advantage of the fact that they were alone, Harm pulled Mac into a warm 
embrace, cuddling her close to him.  "To paraphrase our hostess, have I mentioned 
how much I love you?"
 
 "I get it every time you look at me Flyboy, but you certainly can mention it again.  But 
only if you mean it."
 
 "How's this for that?" he asked and his mouth closed over hers.  It was that exact 
moment that Harriet let out a wail from the bathroom followed by sobbing.  
 
 "No no this is not happening.  No.  I can't lose this baby," she moaned, the sobs 
already taking her breath.
 
 "Harriet what is it?" Mac gasped and Harm gave her a push into the bathroom while 
he hovered at the door.  He did not have long to wait to hear the source of the 
problem.
 
 "Harm call 911.  Now," Mac called, keeping panic from her voice as much as 
possible.  "She's bleeding and her water is starting."
  
  ***********
  Fairfax Hospital
  30 minutes later
  
  "Bud's on his way" Harm sighed as he hung up his cell phone and turned to 
  Mac and gathered her into his arms. It was the first moment they'd had since 
  Harriet's wail, Mac staying with her during the ambulance ride while Harm 
  arranged for Harriet's neighbor to watch AJ.
  
  "Is he okay?" Mac whispered.
  
  "Scared like us but he seems to be holding it together. He's going to call 
  once they're in the air to see how Harriet and the baby are doing."
  
  "Harm what if they're not okay? I don't know how Bud would handle that."
  
  "Don't be borrowing trouble. They're both going to be fine. We just have to 
  have a little faith.
  
  "They have to be okay" Mac murmured. "They just have to be."
  
  "They will be. We got here in time and both her and the baby are going to be 
  fine."
  
  With her head resting on his other shoulder, they sat together, silently 
  praying as they waited for news.
  
  "Harm it's going to be okay"
  
  In his head he could here the soft voice of Jennifer Coates again and at 
  once he looked around. Mac hadn't moved from his shoulder which meant it was 
  only him that was hearing her.
  
  "Harriet and her baby are fine. She's a beautiful baby girl. Just like Bud 
  and Harriet wanted."
  
  As quickly as the voice had come it was gone and moments later the doctor 
  appeared.
  
  "How are they?" Mac demanded.
  
  "Mother and daughter are doing just fine" he assured them.
  
  "It's a girl" Mac smiled.
  
  "Healthy baby girl. She's a few weeks early but she looks fine. We'll get 
  her checked out of course and once we get Mrs. Roberts to her room you can 
  come up and see her."
  
  "Thank god" Mac sighed as the doctor walked away.
  
  "It all worked out" Harm smiled. "And now they've got their little girl."
  
  Twenty minutes later they stood outside the nursery, smiling at the little 
  girl who'd just entered the world. They'd made a quick check on Harriet who 
  was doing fine before stopping to see the latest Roberts.
  
  "Harm she's so adorable" Mac gushed. "Those tiny hands and feet."
  
  "You want one of those?" he smiled.
  
  "I thought we already had a deal on that?" Mac asked softly as she turned to 
  look at him.
  
  "Yes we do. But nothing says we can't make it happen early" he grinned.
  
  "No there isn't" she smiled as well. "If that's what you want."
  
  "You'd be a great mom" he said softly. "I can't wait to see you pregnant."
  
  "You sound like that's a definite" she whispered.
  
  "It will be" he promised. "One day Sarah Mackenzie. I promise."
  
  ****************
  Mac's Apartment
  Christmas Eve
  
  "Harm come on we're going to be late" Mac called. "Godparents are supposed 
  to be there on time you know."
  
  "Coming" he called from the bedroom. With a small smile he dug into the 
  drawer that now held his stuff and pulled out a small box that he quickly 
  slipped into his pocket.
  
  "I swear Flyboy you take more time to get ready than I do" she smiled as he 
  walked out. "But well worth the wait. I'd forgotten how handsome you look in 
  dress whites."
  
  "And you looking stunning as always" he smiled as he admired the green 
  velvet dress she'd picked for the occasion. He dropped a quick kiss on her 
  lips before leading her to the door.
 ================
 The small church was alight with the glow of Christmas when they arrived.  Chaplain 
Turner stood at the door greeting everyone who as soon as they stepped inside fell 
into a hush with the glow of the candles and the soft organ music in the background.  
Harm and Mac brought up the rear and Harriet let out a long sigh of relief when she 
saw them.  "I was afraid I was going to have to get stand-ins," she giggled softly.  "The 
Admiral and Commander Turner and you know which one would have had to be the 
god mother."
 
 "No we were a little late getting started," Mac smiled and blushed at the same time.  
"Someone had an urgent personal need."
 
 Harm to his credit almost blushed as well.
 
 "You two are so good together," Harriet sighed.  "I couldn't be happier for you."
 
 "Nor us for you," Mac replied seriously, looking down at the cherubic bundle asleep in 
Bud's arms.
 
 "Shall we begin," Chaplain Tuner called, lifting his arms to urge them all to gather 
around the baptismal font.  He led them in prayer and read from the bible, then lifted 
the infant from her father's arms and with water in his cupped hand performed a ritual 
that dated back over 2000 years.  "Jennifer Sarah Roberts, I baptize you into the 
fellowship of the Lord and into the circle of his Son Jesus.  May you know God all the 
days of your life.  Who speaks for this child?"
 
 "Harmon Rabb sir as her godfather, and Sarah Mackenzie, her godmother," Harm 
spoke up and the Chaplain passed Jennifer to him.  
 
 "May God bestow His blessings upon you both for the responsibility you undertake," 
he smiled.  "And blessed be the children for they be the inheritors of the Kingdom.  
Amen.  Go in peace."
 
 With that the ceremony concluded and Harm leaned down to kiss the tiny forehead 
before passing her to Mac.  The baby settled into her arms and she sniffled softly.
 
 "I think someone wants one of those," Harriet said gently.
 
 "Very much," Mac smiled and looked up at Harm who simply nodded and mouthed 'I 
love you'.
 
 "Hey guys come on there's food downstairs," Bud urged.  
 
 "Well lead the way Lieutenant," AJ smiled and clapped his shoulder before picking up 
his namesake just as he was about to dip into the baptismal waters.
 
 Harm hung back slightly and took Mac's arm.  "Hold up a second would you," he said 
softly and as the others made their way to the stairs, led her in the opposite direction 
toward the altar.
 
 She gave him a puzzled frown but followed him nonetheless.  "This just seems a 
fitting place to do this," he whispered in explanation as they stood below the wooden 
cross and he reached for the contents of his pocket.  "To do what I should have done 
so long ago."
 
 "Harm" she gasped when he pulled out the small box.
 
 "We've been through hell and back" he whispered. "And I'm hoping to make the 
 next fifty years of your life heaven. I love you Sarah Mackenzie. There is 
 no one else I want to be with on this earth except you. That is if you'll 
 have me. Marry me?"
 
 "I will" she sniffled as he pulled the ring from the box and gently slid it 
 onto her finger. "I love you Harm. And I want us to always be this happy."
 
 "We will" he promised as he pulled her into his arms. "And in nine months 
 hopefully you'll be holding our baby."
 
 "I want that Harm" she whispered. "I want that so much."
 
 "Me too" he said softly.
 
 For several seconds they stayed that way before he finally released her. "I 
 can't believe how much has changed in a year" he said quietly. "Do you 
 remember last time we were here?"
 
 "You thinking about Jen?"
 
 "Yeah. She was so full of life Mac. After that evening she knew exactly what 
 she wanted."
 
 "And she found her piece of happiness" Mac reminded him softly. "That's a 
 lot more than some of us get."
 
 "Yeah it is. And I shouldn't be bringing this up again. I don't know why I 
 am."
 
 "Because she's here" Mac said softly to his surprise. "I think she's ready 
 to say goodbye."
 
 He turned slightly, finally seeing the vision that Mac had seen so many 
 months ago in the hospital.
 
 "Jen" he whispered.
 
 "Harm you did it" the vision smiled. "Course I always knew you would. 
 Jennifer Sarah Roberts is going to get all the chances I never did. Thank 
 you."
 
 "I didn't do much" Harm said softly.
 
 "Yes you did. And I’m so proud of you for finally asking Mac to marry you. 
 You two are going to have a wonderful life together."
 
 "You got that from a higher authority?" Harm smiled.
 
 "Just trust me. And I have another message for you. Your Dad says he doesn't 
 want you to spend Christmas Eve with him this year. He wants you to spend it 
 with Mac and your friends."
 
 "You talked to my Dad."
 
 "Like father like son" Jen's vision smiled. "You're a very special man 
 Harmon Rabb Jr. And I know exactly where you get it from."
 
 "Tell him I said hello" Harm said softly. "And I miss him."
 
 "He knows. And I'll miss you too. Be happy Harm. Take care of this woman who 
 loves you so much. I'll see you again one day. But not for a long time."
 
 "Bye Jen" he whispered as the vision faded.
 
 "I guess that means everything is okay" Mac said softly.
 
 "Yes it does" he smiled. "I guess Dad doesn't want me hanging out at the 
 Wall tonight."
 
 "We could still stop by if you want to. You know I don't mind."
 
 "No that's okay" Harm said softly. "I want to be with you. And our friends. 
 And what am I doing standing here. I need to tell everyone the good news. 
 That you're crazy enough to marry me."
 
 Moments later there were hugs and congratulations as they told their friends 
 the news. 

And in heaven, a young woman looked down with a smile as well as 
 a few tears. "I'll always love you" she whispered as she looked down at the man who 
held 
 his tiny daughter in his arms. "And I'll always be with you."
 
 The End.