TITLE:  "In Memoriam"  Ch. 1
  AUTHORS:  Anne R. and Pat Steiner
   SUMMARY:   Set immediately after Harm's return to the Seahawk after destroying the nuke.  The 
second of two post-Enemy Below stories we have.  These are both 'what if's'.  'What if' the drama did not 
unfold quite as it did in the episode?  Alternative events to how Enemy Below ended.
  CLASSIFICATION/RATING:  J/S/R/A     PG for language, mild violence
  SPOILERS:  In any of our work, any JAG episode may be referred to. "Enemy Below" especially for this 
one.
 FEEDBACK:  If you're so moved but never expected nor begged for.  Addy is ssbpmn@aol.com   
Please however, we request you respect the work, and the effort that goes into writing it.
        NOTE:  All parts of this story as well as much of our other work, are available at 
                             
                             http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AnniePatJAGstories
                             
                     The message archives are open to all registered Yahoo users-no subbing required.  
Please ignore any notice of adult content you may see-there is no R nor NC17 content there.
                             
              Other archives containing our stories:
                             
        http://thearchive.mine.nu:85/exlibris/ 
or http://www.netroenterprises.com/exlibrisjag
                                           
                                           or the Harm-Mac shipper archive at    
http://hmarchive.topcities.com/index2.html  [sadly, not always up and running]
                             
                                       or BTL-
                                       http://www.wtv-zone.com/trgarchive/btl/
                                       http://destined.to/btlarchive - {BTL H/M Fanfiction archive.}
++++++++++++++++
A year ago the U.S. declared war on terrorism.  And in war people die.   
The events that play out in this story are not a dream nor an hallucination.  

"In Memoriam," Ch. 1 

"Sir, he's just a little kid," Petty Officer Jennifer Coates smiled.  "Can't be any more 
than ten or so."

"He has to be totally confused by all this," Bud nodded.  "Jen watch where you're 
stepping there."

"Sir I don't have any desire to meet my Maker.  .  ."  The words were barely out of 
her mouth when the explosion ripped through the quiet air.  One second a perfectly 
healthy Petty Officer had been standing there.  A second later her body was flying 
through the air, screaming in shock and pain.  Even in the horror of the moment, it 
registered within Bud that he would hear that scream in his mind for the rest of his 
life.

The force of the blast sent her rolling to him, as if guided by the hand of the Lord, 
and Bud at once dropped beside her, gathering her into his arms.

"OK OK don't move," he whispered.  "You're going to be OK."  With tears already 
forming in his eyes, he brushed some dirty, blood streaked hair from her face.  "Jen 
stay with me here now.  I'm going to call the chopper back.  You're going to be fine.  
I promise you."

"You're lying Bud," she gasped.  "No way.  I'm going to. . .you know I'm going to die.  I 
need to tell you. . . .I need to tell you that I fell in love with you.  I knew it was 
wrong.  I knew it could never---but I did, God help me I did.  I'm sorry Bud.  Forgive 
me."

"There's nothing to forgive Jen," he sobbed softly.  "I love you too."

And with those words he sent her on her way Home.  Her eyes were open in death 
and with a long sob he closed them gently then gathered her body even more tightly 
to his, rocking her back and forth, his tears splashing onto her blood streaked face.
==========
SICKBAY 
USS SEAHAWK

"Commander I need to have a word with you."

Harm was pacing back and forth, awaiting news on Mac and her medical evaluation 
after their possible exposure to the radiation in the truck, and the voice of Capt. 
Johnson sent chill waves through his body.

"Sir?"  He held his breath, not daring to turn around.  Afraid of news so dreadful that 
it had to be delivered by the Captain.  "Mac?  I mean Colonel Mackenzie?"

When there was no answer he finally turned around, and the grim face of the 
Captain made him draw his breath in sharply.  

"I'm not here with good news I'm afraid," Johnson said quietly.  "There was a land 
mine explosion at the collateral damage site."

"Bud. .  . Lieutenant Roberts and Petty Officer Coates?"  He had to swallow hard to 
get the words out, feeling a small rush of relief that it was not about Mac despite his 
distress.

"I'm afraid so.  The lieutenant recalled the chopper.  Petty Officer Coates was killed.  
ETA back aboard is thirty-five.  I knew you'd want to know."

Another hard swallow.  "And the Lieutenant?"

"Uninjured as best I could ascertain.  Permission for you and the Colonel to meet the 
chopper on deck."

"Yes sir, thank you sir," Harm replied automatically, trying to process the 
information.   Johnson left him alone and he leaned against the wall, his mind 
reeling.  He was still in that position twenty minutes later when he heard Mac's gasp 
of surprise and concern.

"Harm what's wrong?  My god your medical eval--it wasn't. . .?"  The same wave of 
panic he had experienced earlier regarding her was now coursing through her.

"No Mac no it was fine," he assured her quickly, studying her face as he remembered 
why he had been pacing the small area in the first place and he grasped her upper 
arms.  "No I'm fine.  Promise.  You OK?"

"Yeah they were just a little slow.  Were you worried?"  She tried to smile, sensing 
something was wrong-terribly wrong.

"You damn right I was worried," he hissed.  "But. . . ."

For the first time Mac took a good look at his face, pale and drawn, and she could 
feel him tremble slightly.  "Get over here and sit down, then you're going to tell me 
what's wrong," she ordered, instinctively knowing there was something major on his 
mind.

"Bud and Coates went to the damage site" was all he could manage in his first 
attempt and she nodded.

"Land mines.  Coates was killed.  Captain Johnson just told me."

"Oh god," she whispered.  "Bud?"

"Apparently OK.  He's bringing back the body on the chopper now.   We have 
permission to go meet it."

 "Oh god" she whispered again. "Poor Bud. He and Jen seemed to get along so 
 well."
 
 "She'd finally gotten her life straightened out," Harm said quietly. "It 
 just doesn't seem fair." He took a deep breath to maintain his composure and 
 without a thought to who might be around to see them, Mac pulled him into 
 her arms.
 
 "You okay?" she asked softly. "I know you and her had a chance to get close 
 at Christmas."
 
 "I'm just in shock" he whispered. "I can't believe this happened. That she's 
 dead."
 
 "I know. When I saw the look on your face I couldn't imagine what would be 
 so horrible. I would never have imagined anything like this."
 
 He finally pulled away from her arms and took another deep breath. "The 
 chopper should be here in about ten minutes. I need some air so I'm going to 
 go wait up on deck."
 
 "Do you mind if I join you?" she asked. "Or would you rather be alone?"
 
 "Please don't leave me alone. After everything that's happened that's the 
 last thing I want."
 
 "Then let's go wait for the chopper" she said softly.
 
 They walked up to the flight deck and a few minutes later watched as the 
 chopper neared the ship, finally coming to a rest. With heavy hearts the two 
 officers slowly walked to the chopper as Bud climbed out.
 
 "Bud how are you?" Mac asked over the whirl of the chopper blades.
 
 The haunted look on his face spoke volumes and a second later he turned as 
 the chopper crew started to unload the bag that held Jen's body. Harm's eyes 
 as well watched and he swallowed hard at the realization that the young girl 
 he'd worked so hard to help was dead.
 
 "Bud are you okay?" Mac tried again.
 
 "She's dead ma'am" Bud whispered. "She's dead. It was so horrible." His 
 voice started to break and he angrily wiped away the tears that threatened.
 
 "Bud let's get you down to your quarters" Mac said gently. "You're okay 
 right? You weren't hurt at all?"
 
 "No ma'am" he whispered as he finally looked over at Harm.
 
 "Bud I'm sorry" Harm managed, the look on the young man's face tearing at 
 his heart.
 
 "Come on both of you" Mac said as she put an arm over Bud's shoulder and 
 with the other reached for Harm's hand. "Let's go somewhere we can talk."
 
 The trio made their way to Bud's quarters and Bud sank down on his bunk.
 
 "Bud can you tell us what happened?" Mac asked.
 
 "There's not much to tell" Bud said quietly. "The chopper had just dropped 
 us off at the sight when she saw a little boy standing in the mine field. 
 One minutes she's talking to me and then a second later she's dying in my 
 arms."  His voice broke and the tears that he'd managed to keep at bay on the flight 
deck slowly slid down his face.
 
 "I'm sorry Bud" Mac whispered as she sat down beside him. "I'm so sorry."
 
 "I've never seen anyone die before" Bud wailed. "It was so horrible. I can 
 still close my eyes and see her lying there. And she didn't have to die. She 
 shouldn't have been out there. I should have gone alone."
 
 "Bud blaming yourself isn't going to change anything," Harm said quietly. "I 
 know, I've been there."
 
 "It's not fair," Bud cried. "Why did she have to die? She had her whole life 
 ahead of her." His tears continued and Mac let out a long sigh as she looked 
 up at Harm.
 
 "Bud is there anything we can do?" she asked softly. "Would you like us to 
 get Harriet on the phone so you can talk to her."
 
 "No" he whispered to their surprise. "I'd like to be alone actually."
 
 "You sure?" Harm asked. "You don't have to be alone. That's what we're here 
 for."
 
 "No I just want to be alone right now."
 
 "Okay" Mac nodded as she stood up. "But we're going to call the Admiral to 
 let him know what happened and it's likely Harriet is going to find out what 
 happened and she's going to want to talk to you."
 
 He nodded but said nothing.
 
 "Bud we'll give you a little time but we'll be back" Harm said quietly.
 
 "Sir I want to take her body back" Bud spoke up. "I owe her that much."

"I understand," Harm nodded.  "We can notify the Admiral that you and I are 
volunteering for the escort detail."

"Whoa hold up on that," Mac said firmly.  "What do I look like here?  Remember, I'm 
a service member too?"

Harm looked at her for a long minute and with a nod to Bud urged her back into the 
corridor.  

"What the hell is wrong with you?" she hissed.

"Only that I don't know that I think this is a good idea for you," he began hesitantly, 
afraid of her reaction and yet determined to make her know his concerns.  "Mac I 
know you well enough to know how you feel about death.  This is not going to be an 
easy thing."

"No it's not, but Bud is my friend.  For a long time.  Harriet too.  And I liked Jen.  
More important, she died in the service of her country.  I'm going to honor that."  
She took a long breath and her eyes flashed slightly.  "And frankly Commander I 
think you need to let me make my own decisions.  Excuse me, I'll make that call, 
volunteering all of us by the way."

"Mac I didn't mean that. . ." he tried, even as he spoke knowing by the toss of her 
head he was no longer getting through to her.  With a long sigh, he walked back in, 
finding Bud had stretched out on the bed, his hands behind his head as he stared up 
to the ceiling.

"She was a fine sailor and a good person," he said softly, standing awkwardly above 
him.  "Can I do anything at all that's going to ease this for you?"

"No sir, thank you," the younger man shook his head.  "I really just want to be alone 
for a little bit to process all this."

"I understand.  You think you want to talk to the Chaplain?"

Bud's face brightened a minute amount.  "Maybe we could have a little service for her 
here before we take her body off?  You think?"

"I'll fix it, promise," Harm nodded, reaching down to press his hand to his friend's 
shoulder.  With a heavy heart he walked up to the bridge, finding the XO and the 
Captain in deep conversation.

"Mr. Rabb enter," Johnson motioned.  "We're just talking here about Petty Officer 
Coates.  How's the Lieutenant doing?"

"Not good," Harm sighed, "but he'll handle it.  With some help."  He went on to 
explain Bud's request and to hear what plans had already been put into place, thanks 
to Mac's call to AJ.

"OK sounds good," Harm nodded.  "Sir could you point me in the direction of Colonel 
Mackenzie's wake?"

Johnson smiled and shook his head.  "She's kind of special to you isn't she son?"

"I think I should take the fifth," Harm stammered.

"No need.  If your C.O. has no problem with it, I don't either."

"Thank you sir," he grinned softly.  "She went. . .?"

"Towards the fantail I believe."

She was in fact standing there at the rail, staring down into the churning water.

"I may have been out of line before, but I'm not going to apologize for caring about 
you and for wanting to be sensitive to what you might be feeling," he called softly, 
keeping a space between them.

She jumped when she heard his voice, having not been aware of his approach, and 
when she turned to him he was startled to find tears on her cheeks.

"Maybe you want to be alone right now?" he asked hesitantly.  "On the other hand, I 
wouldn't mind a hug if you would want to."
 
  She nodded and seconds later he drew her into his arms and pulled her close 
  to him. For several minutes that stayed that way, neither saying a word but 
  instead just savoring the feel of each other's arms around them.
  
  "I'm sorry if I over reacted earlier" she said finally as she stepped from 
  his embrace. "I think all this is getting to me."
  
  "I know. It's getting to me too" he admitted.
  
  "We're supposed to be able to handle this" she sighed. "It's not like 
  neither one of us hasn't seen this kind of stuff before."
  
  "Doesn't mean it makes it any easier."
  
  "True.  Poor Bud. He's never had to deal with anything like this before."
  
  "No and it's not going to be easy for him" Harm sighed. "But at least he'll 
  have us there with him."
  
  "You know that's the right thing" she said quietly.
  
  "I know. I'm just worried about you and how you're handling all this."
  
  "Well I'm worried about you too. You tend to keep things bottled up Mr. 
  Rabb."
  
  "And you don't?"
  
  "Okay so we're both guilty of that" she admitted. "But the important thing 
  right now is Bud."
  
  "He wants to do a service here for her" Harm said quietly. "I still need to 
  go talk to the Chaplain about that. Captain Johnson said it was okay to 
  arrange it. Would you like to come with me?"
  
  "You're including me?"
  
  "Yeah cause to be honest I don't want to do this alone" he said with a long 
  sigh. "So would you mind coming and holding my hand through this."
  
  "You don't really want me to hold your hand do you?" she asked with a just a 
  hint of a smile.
  
  "No but another one of those hugs before we go would be good" he said softly 
  and she automatically opened her arms to him. "We've really been through a 
  lot recently Marine."
  
  "Has it made us realize anything?" she asked quietly as she held him 
  tightly.
  
  "Yes it has" he nodded. "And when we get home there's a little more talking 
  we need to do."
  
  "Can we have that talk sooner than later?" she asked. "Seeing as how the 
  world seems to be a crazy place these days."
  
  "Count on it. You ready to go do this and then we should get back to Bud."
  
  She nodded and he finally let go of her and together they headed to the 
  Chaplain's office.
  
  "Such a tragedy" Chaplain Myers said softly. "Jen was doing such a good job 
  getting her life back together. I understand you were an instrumental part 
  of that Commander. Seems you helped point her in the right direction."
  
  "She was a good person" Harm said quietly. "She just needed a little help 
  figuring out which way to go."
  
  "Yes she was. How's Lt. Roberts handling this?"
  
  "Not good" Mac spoke up. "They seemed to have gotten pretty close the last 
  few months."
  
  "Jen was an easy person to like" Chaplain Myers smiled. "Maybe I should go 
  speak to him."
  
  "I think that might be a good idea" Harm nodded. "He wanted to have a 
  service aboard the ship before we take her body back. Captain Johnson gave 
  his approval and we'd like to make the arrangements if we could."
  
  "Of course. I'd be more than happy to do that."
  
  That task completed they headed back to Bud's quarters to check on him.
  
  "Bud you okay?" Harm asked as they walked into his cabin. He was lying on 
  his bunk, staring up at the ceiling.
  
  "I keep thinking it was a horrible nightmare and I'm going to wake up and 
  none of it happened" he whispered. "That she's not dead and she's down in 
  legal just like she should be."
  
  "I'm sorry Bud" Harm said gently. "Mac and I made the arrangements with 
  Chaplain Myers for the service you requested. It'll be tonight."
  
  "Thank you" Bud said quietly. "For everything. I know I'm not acting like 
  much of an officer right now."
  
 "It's fine to grieve.  You don't need anyone's permission and you owe no one an 
explanation," Mac told him firmly.  "You lost someone close to you.  You saw her die.  
Whatever you're feeling, no one has the right to question."
 
 "But you have to be wondering if me and Jen. . .if we were more than. . ." he 
stammered miserably.
 
 "Bud we're always here to talk to," Harm said.  "But no, I don't wonder for the simple 
reason that opens up a whole can of worms like adultery and fraternization.  That's a 
bell that can't be unrung.  Leave it alone.  Whatever you and Jen were to each other 
that's between you and her and the God you pray to."
 
 "Thank you sir.  But for the record, she and I never. . ."
 
 "OK Bud we understand," Harm assured him.  "Let it go.  It's OK."
 
 "Yes sir.  What's next?"
 
 "As long as you're asking," Mac spoke up.  "I think a hot shower and some clean 
clothes. And while you're in the shower you should be thinking of what you're going 
to say to Harriet.  I told the Admiral to assure her that you were not hurt, but I 
know she wants to hear from you.  And she's going to be thrilled that you're coming 
home."
 
 "I don't know if I know what to say to her," he sighed.
 
 "Bud she just wants to know you're OK.  She needs to hear your voice," Mac told him.  
"You're not going to want to shut her out.  You're going to need her love and 
support as you recover from this.  In times of tragedy we draw closer together."
 
 "Yes we do," Harm added after a moment and to Mac's surprise he slipped his hand 
into hers.   "Mac why don't you excuse us while Bud gets cleaned up.  In fact why 
don't you go get Harriet on the line and we'll join you soon as he's done."
 
 "Yeah OK," she nodded, and Harm led her to the door, his hand still wrapped around 
hers.  
 
 "Mac I want you to tell me if any of this gets to be too much for you," he said firmly 
but quietly.
 
 She gave him a curious look and smiled gently.  "Well that's really sweet, but I can 
handle it I think.  It's a tragedy but we can get through it.  I can get through it long 
as I have this."  To emphasize her words she lifted their joint hands.  "I need your 
help, but I can handle it, I promise."
 
 "Long as you promise not to keep it bottled up."
 
 "Oh look who's talking--the head bottler.  I'll be fine, and I can ask for help if I need 
it."
 
 "See that you do," he ordered gruffly.  "You're pretty important to me you know 
that don't you?"
 
 She had to swallow twice before she could speak, so great was her surprise.  Emotion 
from Harm was not a common thing.  "If I didn't, you're telling me so now aren't 
you?"
 
 "You damn right I am."
 
 "Fair enough," she replied, locking her eyes with his.  "But that's a two way street 
mister.  You can't take both me and Bud on your shoulders.  No matter how broad 
they are.  You're not Super Harm.  We have to all be there for each other now."
 
 "OK," he nodded.  "But still you made a promise."
 
 "I did.  And I'll keep it."  She gently pulled her hand from his and slipped through the 
door, sticking her head back in just as Harm was walking back to Bud.  "By the way 
Mr. Rabb.  You're pretty damn important to me too."
 
 His head swung around just in time to see the last of her disappear through the 
door.
 
 "Sir what am I missing?" Bud asked, watching him stare at the closed door.
 
 "I'm not real sure myself Bud," he said softly.
 
 "Well it sounded to me like you and the Colonel kind of were attempting to maybe 
make some kind of. . ."  He stopped when Harm held up his hand. 
 
 "Bud a word of advice.  Don't try to figure out what the Colonel and I are doing.  In 
the first place neither she nor I have any clue, and in the second, you've got a higher 
priority right now."

  "Yes sir" Bud nodded. "I'm going to go get that shower now. You arranged the 
  memorial service right?"
  
  "All taken care of Bud. Get showered and then we'll go call Harriet."  
  ***********

  "Sir, I'm not ready to talk to her" Bud whispered as he and Harm made their 
  way to the communications office where Mac was waiting. "I'm don't know what 
  to say."
  
  "I'm sure Harriet will have plenty to say" Harm said with a small smile. 
  "You'll get through this Bud. But you have to talk to her."
  
  "Yes sir" Bud nodded.
  
  Minutes later even Harm and Mac could hear Harriet's high pitched voice as 
  the connection was made.
  
  "Bud" she screeched. "Oh thank god you're okay. The Admiral told me what 
  happened. You're okay right? Please tell me you're okay."
  
  "I'm okay," Bud said quietly. "It's Jen that's not."
  
  "I know and I'm so sorry honey. What happened? Why were you and Jen out 
  there anyway?"
  
  "It's a long story. I don't really want to talk about it right now."
  
  "I understand sweetie. I'm just wanted to make sure you were okay. My god 
  Bud you could have been killed. I had no idea that you'd even be in those 
  kinds of situations."
  
  "I didn't either" Bud sighed. "Look we're getting ready to have a small 
  memorial service for Jen so I need to get going." He handed the phone to 
  Harm without another word and walked out of the room, leaving Harm to talk 
  to Harriet.
  
  "Hi Harriet. It's Harm."
  
  "Sir, is Bud okay?" Harriet demanded.
  
  "He's had a rough time Harriet" Harm said slowly. "It's not easy to witness 
  someone's death like Bud did. It's going to take him a little bit of time to 
  come out of this."
  
  "There's isn't more to it is there?" Harriet asked.
  
  "No Harriet. He's just very upset and with good reason."
  
  "You're right sir. I'm sorry. I just didn't expect him to be so distant. I 
  thought he'd be happy to talk to me."
  
  "He's still in shock. Give him time."
  
  "Thank you sir. Will you and the Colonel look after him until he gets home? 
  I've never heard Bud like that before."
  
  "Mac and I will make sure he's okay. You have my word on that."
  
  "Thank you sir."
  
  With a long sigh Harm hung up and looked at Mac. "That went well didn't it."
  
  "Poor Bud" Mac sighed. "This has really hit him hard."
  
  "Yeah it has. I hope he can hold it together during the memorial service 
  tonight" Harm said quietly. "Which we'd better get ready for."
  
  "Harm about what you said earlier" Mac started.
  
  "I meant every word of it" Harm said softly. "And once we get a moment to 
  ourselves, you and I have some talking to do. Like that little statement you 
  said before running away."
  
  "About you being pretty important to me. For the record I meant every word 
  of it. You do mean a lot to me. And everything that's happened has made me 
  realize how much."
  
  "Me too" Harm whispered.
  
  "We'd better go" Mac said quietly. "We don't want to miss any of the 
  service."
  
  Harm nodded and together they made their way down to the small chapel where 
  Bud and several others had already assembled.
  
  "You okay Bud?" Mac asked softly as they sat down next to him.
  
  "Why did she have to die?" Bud whispered as he looked up at her, tears 
  pooling in his eyes. "It isn't fair."
  
  "I know Bud" Mac said sympathetically as she patted his arm.
  
  "Why her?" Bud wailed. "Why did she have to be the one to die like that? She 
  didn't deserve that."
  
  "Bud I don't know" Mac whispered. "And I'm sorry."
 
 "Thanks but there's nothing you can do, nothing anyone can do right now I'm 
afraid," Bud sighed, wiping a quick tear from his eye and taking a spot in a pew.  
Harm guided Mac in next to him and when they sat down he opened his hand for 
hers.
 
 "If you'd like," he whispered.
 
 "I'd like very much," she nodded and quickly wove her fingers with his.  "Thank you."
 
 The chaplain opened the service with a prayer and then spoke of Jen and her service 
and loyalty to the Seahawk and crew.  Finally he looked to Bud.  "She did not open up 
to people easily, and Lieutenant Roberts surely knew her best.  Lieutenant, would you 
care to say a few words."
 
 "Yes thanks," he managed, standing up slowly and clearing her throat.  "Jennifer 
Coates was a good person.  She was a good Sailor and a good human being.  She put 
every ounce of her ability and intensity in to her duties, and I could not have done 
my job aboard without her.  More than that, she was a friend.  Someone I'm going to 
miss very much.  And the world is a sadder place for her death."
 
 "Amen," Harm said softly and Mac's hand trembled within his.
 
 "Amaaazing grace how sweet the sound. . ." the chaplain began and Harm at once 
picked up the second line, his clear baritone voice adding, 'that saved a wretch like 
me.  Once I was lost. . ."
 
 "But now am found.  Was blind but now I see," Mac picked it up and the rest of the 
crew that had come joined it.
 
 As the last notes died away, the chaplain raised his hands.  "Maybe the peace of God 
go with you."  With that dismissal it was done and Bud bolted for the door.  
 
 "Mac go with him," Harm urged.  "Maybe you can comfort him some.  I'll catch up."
 
 "OK, but I'm not much comfort either I'm afraid.  Still he shouldn't be alone."
 
 "Thanks.  Tell me you're OK first though."
 
 She gave him a half smile.  "About as good as I'm gonna get I'm afraid.  But 
somehow we'll get through it.  We have to."  
 
 He dropped a hand onto her shoulder and then down her arm, toying with her 
fingers for a second.  "I meant what I said earlier.  What we talked about."
 
 "I know you did," she replied solemnly.  "As did I."  Taking quick note that they were 
now alone in the chapel, she gave him a quick impulsive kiss on the cheek and then 
hurried after Bud.
 
 With a long sigh, Harm looked to the altar.  "God stay with me please.  I need You on 
this."
 
 Mac found Bud easily enough.  He had not gone far, heading for the first deck and 
staring out over the water.  "Bud Harm asked me to make sure you were OK," she 
called softly.  "But if you'd like to be alone I totally understand."
 
 "I don't know what I want," he admitted bitterly, "except for this to all be a 
nightmare and I wake up and Jen is at her desk behind me."
 
 She walked up to him slowly, placing a gentle hand along his back.  "I know.  And I 
know that just the fact of her death is enough.  That you had to see her die just 
makes it beyond horrendous."
 
 "Ma'am one second she and I were talking and joking like we always did and the next. 
. .the next oh god it was so awful.  The blast and her scream.  Like nothing I've ever 
heard.  I'm going to hear that scream every time I close my eyes for the rest of my 
life."
 
 "At least you got to say goodbye," she offered.  
 
 "Yes we did," he nodded.  "And I tried to tell her she would be OK.  I tried to tell her 
that and it was so stupid because no one could repair that kind of damage.  Ma'am 
she was torn apart."
 
 "Shhh OK," Mac soothed, closing her own eyes against the image his words were 
giving her.  Not only for Jen, but a few short weeks ago someone she cared about 
very much was himself standing on a mine.  "Damn this country," she spat.  "And 
damn this war."
   
  Her words came with such a vengeance that Bud looked at her with shock.
  
  "I'm sorry ma'am. I shouldn't be dumping this on you."
  
  "No Bud I'm sorry" she sighed. "I'm supposed to be here for you not making 
  you feel worse. Please forgive that little outburst."
  
  "It's okay," Bud said with a small smile. "This isn't easy for any of us. I 
  just keep thinking that because you and the Commander have both been in 
  combat before that this doesn't affect you like it does me."
  
  "Nothing makes it any easier Bud. No matter how many times you see it, you 
  never become accustomed to it. Ever."
  
  "I'm sorry ma'am. I didn't mean to upset you."
  
  "It's okay Bud" Mac sighed as Harm walked up to the pair.
  
  "You two okay?" Harm asked as he looked closely at Mac. The look on her face 
  told him she wasn't herself and she gave him a forced smile.
  
  "Yeah we're fine. Bud just needed to talk about things a little."
  
  "Mac you look beat" Harm said softly. "Why don't you go get some rest? Bud 
  and I will hang out here for a bit."
  
  "Well don't stay up too late yourself" she sighed. "Bud if you need 
  anything, you know where to find me."
  
  "Thank you ma'am. For everything. I don't know how I would have gotten 
  through this if you and the Commander hadn't been here."
  
  "That's what friends are for Bud," she said softly as she patted his 
  shoulder. "Try and rest. You've got a long day tomorrow. And it's not going 
  to be easy."
  
  "No ma'am it's not" Bud sighed. "And thank you for listening to me. I'm 
  sorry if I upset you."
  
  "You didn't upset me" Mac lied as she felt Harm's gaze upon her. "I'm fine. 
  I'll see you both in the morning."
  
  She started to walk away and Harm followed her, stopping just inside the 
  hatch.
  
  "Mac what's wrong? And don't tell me nothing."
  
  "Nothing besides I'm exhausted, both physically and emotionally. I just need 
  some sleep."
  
  "Promise me that's it" he said softly. "Because I'm worried about you."
  
  "That's it," she said quietly. "Honestly. I'm just tired. I'll be fine in 
  the morning."
  
  "All right. Get some rest. And promise me you'll let me know if you need 
  anything."
  
  "A hug would be nice right now" she whispered and at once his arms 
  surrounded her. She closed her eyes as he held her tightly against him, 
  reminding herself again how lucky she was that he was still with her. So 
  easily it could have been her instead of Bud taking a body back home.
  
  "It's okay" he soothed as held her. "I'm right here Marine."
  
  She stayed that way for several seconds before finally letting go. "I'll see 
  you in the morning" she said softly.
  
  He watched her walk away; knowing something wasn't right but also knowing 
  she wasn't going to admit it to him. At least not yet. With a long sigh he 
  headed back out to Bud.
  
  "How you holding up Lieutenant.?" Harm asked as he patted Bud's shoulder.
  
  "I'm just numb sir. I don't know how else to describe it."
  
  "It takes time Bud."
  
  "Sir I don't know if I'll ever get over this" Bud whispered.
  
  "You will. You've got a wife and child back at home waiting to help you get 
  through this. Don't forget that."
  
 "They're back home all safe and warm," he said bitterly and then stopped himself.  
"OK I didn't really mean that.  I mean I'm glad they're safe.  And I wouldn't ever want 
Harriet to be out here.  Hell sir the only reason I'm out here is because the Admiral 
said it would be good for my career.  OK fine I get my rank.  Big deal.  Watching a 
woman die wasn't worth it.  Watching a woman die that I cared about wasn't. . 
.excuse me sir.  Please."
 
 Harm nodded and Bud turned and fled, leaving Harm knowing that the young man 
did not want to cry in his presence.  "God remember what I said," he murmured 
before hurrying below.  
 
 Mac's door was closed and he stopped to listen, hearing nothing from behind it.  
Hopefully she was asleep.  Sleep came to him as soon as he had stripped to his boxers 
and touched head to pillow.  It would be a long twenty four hours upcoming as they 
accompanied the body back to D.C.
==============
 
 "Mac you in there?"  Harm knocked and called at the same time just after dawn.  
"How about some breakfast?"
 
 Just the word itself made her stomach churn and she answered through the closed 
door.  "Harm no.  No thanks.  I can't.  I. . .I need some time please.  I haven't even 
showered, and then I think I just want to be alone for a few minutes before we 
assemble to load the body.  Please?"
 
 Harm's brow furrowed.  "Well yeah OK if you're sure.  I'll see you in formation then?"
 
 "In an hour and twenty," she replied.  "I'm going to shower now."  She listened for 
his footsteps to die away and pulled herself to her feet.  Two hours sleep was not 
much.  The remaining hours had been stolen from her.  The Dream had made its 
first appearance.  With a long cold then hot shower she was able to dress.  
Afterwards, with breakfast still holding no interest for her, she went up a rear stairs 
to the observation deck and for a long time simply stared into the water below.  The 
transport plane arrived and she knew they would be starting.  Death.  It had once 
again visited her world.
 
 "Hey I was worried about you," Harm whispered, stepping sideways to make room for 
her.  "I was about to break ranks and come find you.  You OK?"
 
 "Of course," she replied with false brightness.  "Just taking a little clearing my head 
time.  How's Bud?"
 
 "He's acting strange."
 
"Strange for Bud or strange for a man who saw someone blown apart," she spat with 
sudden viciousness and he took a step back from her in surprise.
 
 "OK point taken," he sighed, holding up his hands in surrender.  "None of us are 
ourselves right now.  Let's just get through this."
 
 With merciful swiftness, Captain Johnson spoke a few words and the flag-draped 
casket was loaded aboard the aircraft for the initial leg of Petty Officer Jennifer 
Louise Coates's journey home.
 
 Initially the three JAG officers sat together, until halfway there Bud excused himself.  
"I think I want to go sit with her," he explained, moving to a rear seat near the 
casket. 
 
 Harm moved his legs aside to let him pass and when he was out of earshot turned to 
Mac.  "Mac, tell me to back off if you want, but is Bud more upset than what might 
be considered normal or typical for someone in that situation?"  It was the same 
question he had attempted to raise earlier aboard the Seahawk when he mentioned 
Bud was acting strangely.
 
 "Harm for crying out loud he saw a woman blown apart and she died in his arms," 
she hissed.  "Cut him some slack.  As for any feelings he may have had for her, 
personal or professional, maybe that's between him and her.  And his conscience and 
God.  OK?"
 
 "Sorry.  Touchy subject," he sighed, reaching for her hand.  At once he was startled 
to find it cold and clammy, and when he slid his hand further up her arm he was 
even more startled.  "Mac you are like ice here.  Are you getting sick?"
 
 "No I'm not getting sick," she groaned.  "It's thirty degrees on this plane thank you." 
 
 Harm frowned and said nothing despite the fact that it was more like a comfortable 
70.  Instead he stood up and reached onto the shelf above, knowing there were 
blankets there.  "OK Marine, let's have you," he ordered, holding the blanket in place 
for wrapping around her.

  "Harm" she started.
  
  "Mac just humor me okay" he sighed. "You're cold and there's no reason for 
  you to sit there freezing."
  
  She finally relented and allowed him to wrap the blanket around her before 
  settling back into her seat.
  
  "Better?" he asked softly.
  
  "Yeah sorry I snapped at you" she sighed. "Just ignore me over here."
  
  "I'd rather find out what's bothering you."
  
  "Nothing is bothering me" she snapped again.
  
  "Okay sorry. Why don't I just shut up since everything I say seems to upset 
  you."
  
  With that he leaned back in his seat and closed his eyes. There was 
  something bothering Mac and she was pushing him away. And from Bud's actions 
  he knew there had been more between the Lieutenant and the Petty Officer than 
just friendship. The question was just how much more.
  
  Mac made no attempt to talk to him again and finally fell asleep beside him. 
  When she did, he got up and walked to the back of the plane where Bud was 
  still sitting next to Jen's casket.
  
  "You okay?" Harm asked quietly as he sat down beside the young man.
  
  "No sir."
  
  "Is there something you want to talk about Bud?"
  
  "Sir, is it possible to be in love with two women at the same time?" Bud 
  asked finally.
  
  "I suppose" Harm said carefully. "Are you trying to tell me that you and Jen 
  were more than just office mates?"
  
  "No sir" Bud said quickly. "We were friends. We never did anything 
  inappropriate."
  
  "But you wanted to?" Harm prodded.
  
  "She was so different than Harriet sir. Despite everything that she'd been 
  through, she had this amazing zest for life. Especially after you'd set her 
  right again with the Navy."
  
  "She'd be alive if I hadn't done that" Harm murmured.
  
  "Yes sir, but the Navy was her life. It was the first time she felt like she 
  had a purpose. She told me about her father and what a jerk he was."
  
  "I met him" Harm nodded. "He wasn't going to win any father of the year 
  awards."
  
  "I guess maybe that's why Jen and I got along so well," Bud said with a 
  small smile. "We had a lot in common."
  
  "Did you fall in love with her Bud?" Harm asked gently.
 
  "She was amazing sir" Bud whispered. "When I first got to the Seahawk I was 
  so depressed because I missed Harriet and AJ so much. But she never let me 
  get down. She was always there for me. She listened to me when I needed 
  someone to talk about Harriet."
  
  "And along the way you fell in love with her" Harm persisted softly.
  
  "It was different with her sir. I don't know how to explain it. She made me 
  feel different. More alive than I ever had before." He paused and a few 
  tears slid down his face. "And now she's dead. And I don't know how I'm 
  going to say goodbye to her sir."
  
  "I'm sorry Bud. I wish there were something I could to help. I don't know 
  what else to say."
  
  "Thank you for listening sir" Bud said as he wiped away his tears. "But 
  promise me you won't say a word of this to anyone. I'll deal with this but I 
  don't want Harriet to find out."
  
  "Okay" Harm said with a long sigh. "But you know you may want to come clean 
  at some point Bud. Otherwise it's going to eat you up inside."
  
  "Not now. I can't deal with that on top of this. Please sir. Promise me you 
  won't say anything to anyone. I need your word on that."
  
  "You have my word" Harm promised.
  
  "Everyone sir. Not even the Colonel. You know her and Harriet talk and I 
  don't want anything to slip."
  
  "All right. I won't say anything to Mac. And you know if you need anything, 
  I'm here. Any time."
  
  "Thank you sir. You've always been there for me. You're a good friend. Both 
  you and the Colonel." He paused and looked up at where Mac was asleep. "Is 
  she okay sir? She seems a little out of it today."
  
  "I don't know Bud" Harm sighed. "I hope so but you know how Mac is about 
  keeping things to herself."
  
  "I hope I didn't upset her" Bud fretted. "I shouldn't have talked to her 
  about what happened with Jen and the mine. That really upset her."
  
  "Yeah well she was probably having flashbacks to our incident" Harm 
  murmured.
  
  "What incident sir?" Bud asked.
  
  "Never mind" Harm said quickly. "I'm just talking out loud. I'm going to 
  head back up front. You gonna stay back here?"
  
  "For a little while longer sir" Bud said with a small smile. "Is that okay?"
  
  "Yeah it's fine," Harm said as he stood up. "If you need anything, just let 
  me know."
 
 "Thank you sir.  You've been real understanding.  I'll never forget that."
 
 "You've helped me through some rough spots Bud," Harm nodded, walking back up 
the aisle to Mac.  She was stirring in her sleep and he adjusted the blanket over her, 
frowning when he realized she was still like ice in the reasonably warm plane.  He 
touched the back of his hand to her cheek and she stirred once again, not waking.  
With a small smile he leaned down close to her, ostensibly to once again fix the 
blanket but this time he put his mouth to her ear.  "I'm here honey.  I'm here and 
I'm going to see us both through this."
 
 The transport landed in Ramstein and Harm shook her gently.  "Hey.  Formation 
again while they move the casket.  Then we have some time before we take off.  You 
OK?"
 
 She opened her eyes slowly.  "Yeah I think so.  Sleeping helped.  And I had this really 
nice dream.  That a guy I've cared about a lot for a very long time offered to take 
care of me.  I don't suppose you know anything about that?"
 
 "Not a damn thing," he grinned softly, taking her hands to help her to her feet.  He 
kept an unobtrusive hand on her arm to walk down the ramp, and they quickly 
joined the honor guard.
 
 "What's. . " Mac began as from the hangar four more caskets were brought out and 
boarded.  "More death," she whispered.  "I didn't think that there might be other 
bodies to go home."
 
 "I would say war is hell but that's such a cliche," Harm sighed once the honor guard 
was dismissed.
 
 "No it's the goddam truth," she spat out.  "I was in Bosnia and I saw death.  I was at 
the Embassy in the Philippines and we took fire.  But somehow it's not the same.  A 
land mine is not combat.  Excuse me."  She turned on her heel and strode across the 
tarmac.
 
 "Sir should you go after her?" Bud gasped in alarm, looking up at Harm's surprised 
face.
 
 "I think she might need a little space just now," he said softly.  "How about you?  You 
want some coffee?  And calling Harriet might not be a bad idea.  She may even want 
to meet the plane at Andrews."
 
 "No.  NO."  Bud's reply was with such vehemence that Harm was startled.
 
 "Bud what is with you and Harriet and never mind I don't even want to know and 
even if I did the middle of this airfield is not the place to get into it.  But as your 
superior officer, and more to the point, as your friend--and Harriet's too for that 
matter--I feel like I want to prevent the two of you from making some kind of huge 
mistake.  You've got a little boy to think of.  And let me remind you that when you 
left for sea duty, Harriet Sims Roberts was the center of your world."
 
 "Yes sir she was," Bud nodded.  "Excuse me."  As Mac had done, he turned from Harm, 
striding across the tarmac.
 
 Harm stared after him, trying for all the world to decide if the word 'was' had been 
emphasized.  Was as in 'was then, not now'.  He looked skyward and shook his head.  
"God what did I do to deserve this nightmare?" he murmured.  "Is this payback for 
Renee?"
  
  He spent the next hour alone, Mac and Bud finally returning just before the 
  flight was to take off. Bud immediately went to the back again, somehow 
  finding himself a place among the four other caskets so that he could remain 
  close to Jen.
  
  "Are you okay?" Harm asked Mac as she found her seat again.
  
  "Yeah. I just needed to be alone for a while," she said quietly.
  
  "Mac whatever it is that's bothering you, you need to talk to someone about 
  it. It's not good to keep this inside."
  
  "Thank you Dr. Freud but I'll manage on my own" she snapped as she once 
  again wrapped the blanket around her.
  
  "Okay fine. Forget I said anything" Harm sighed as he took his seat as well. 
  With a long flight and Mac obviously not wanting to talk to him, he leaned 
  his seat back and closed his eyes, praying that somehow things would get 
  better.
  
  He fell asleep and his sleep was eventually interrupted by dreams of a young 
  dark haired woman who'd had so much life left to live.
  
  "The judge made me enlist. But I can stay in if I want to right?"
  
  "What made you change your mind?"
  
  "You" she'd smiled before kissing his cheek.
  
  He awoke with a start as the memory faded away and Mac looked over at him 
  curiously.
  
  "You okay?" she asked.
  
  "Yeah I'm fine," he said as he shook away the memory.
  
  "You were dreaming about her weren't you?"
  
  "Why do you say that?" he sighed.
  
  "Because I know you and I know that look on your face. You had it when you 
  were investigating Annie's murder. Now do you want to talk about it?"
  
  "There's nothing to talk about" he sighed as he looked around and noticed 
  that Bud was still in the back. "I'm going to go check on Bud."
  
  "I just did. He wants to be alone. So tell me about your dream."
  
  "Tell me what's bothering you," he countered.
  
  "There's nothing to talk about. I'm fine. I'm just a little tired is all."
  
  "That's why you ran off when we landed and haven't talked to me about what's 
  going on since we left the Seahawk."
  
  "Nothing is going on. Why don't you tell me what's going on with you?"
  
  "Nothing" he sighed. "And this conversation is pointless." He leaned back 
  and closed his eyes again, images of Jen running through his mind again.
  
  They said nothing the remainder of the flight and a few hours later the 
  large plane touched down at Andrews Air Force Base.
  
  "Bud" Harriet squealed once the caskets had been unloaded. She came running 
  towards them, a more subdued than usual AJ behind her. She threw herself 
  into Bud's arms, who awkwardly held her.
  
  "You three look like hell," AJ said quietly as he walked over to them. "I 
  guess I don't have to ask how you're all doing."
  
  "It's been a rough few days sir" Harm sighed.
  
  "Sir have the arrangements been made yet?" Mac asked.
  
  "She'll be buried at Arlington with full honors tomorrow" AJ replied. "I 
  understand they've attempted to reach her family but haven't gotten any 
  response."
  
  "She and her father were estranged sir" Harm said quietly. "But I know where 
  he lives and I'd like to go up there and tell him what has happened."
  
  "Of course" AJ nodded.
  
 Bud looked over the top of Harriet's head.  "Sir he was already notified right?"
 
 AJ nodded.  "The casualty officer and the chaplain visited him within two hours of 
the incident.  And I called and left a personal message on his machine offering any 
help I could be but he never returned my call."
 
 "Sir, ma'am I want to come with you to talk to him," Bud went on.
 
 "Bud no," Harriet gasped, holding on to him more tightly.  "I just got you back.  I 
don't want you to go anywhere please.  AJ and me--we need you."
 
 Bud drew a long breath and held his wife at arm's length.  "I need you guys too, but 
I have to see this through.  You can understand that.  I need to see to Jen.  Need to 
see her to her burial and speaking to her dad is part of that."
 
 With that he released her and began a morose walk toward the cars.
 
 "Sir, Ma'am, I don't understand.  I don't understand at all," Harriet murmured to the 
three JAG officers, staring after Bud.  "He wasn't even that thrilled to see me was he?"
 
 "Mac," Harm urged, gesturing to Harriet and then nodding to Bud.
 
 Understanding at once, she gave his hand a quick squeeze and then wrapped her 
arm in Harriet's.  "Hey why don't you and I take a little walk," she urged.  
 
 "Do you know what's wrong with him?" Harriet asked in her confusion.
 
 Mac tugged at her arm.  "I know what happened to him.  And I know that you're 
going to have to have a lot of patience right now.  He's hurting deep inside."
 
 "Ma'am I don't understand," she protested.  "OK he worked with the woman.  Fine.  
And she died.  I know that.  She was a friend I guess.  And she died.  I understand 
that.  But it's war, and people die."
 
 "Yes they do," Mac nodded.  "But this wasn't in combat.  Harriet, she stepped on a 
land mine.  It was only a freak of fortune that it wasn't Bud in fact."
 
 "Bud saw her die?"
 
 "Bud saw her blown apart and she died in his arms," Mac corrected, speaking as 
gently as she could.  "And it's not something he's going to get over tomorrow or next 
week.  It's going to require a lot of love and patience on your part to help him 
through it, and it wouldn't be a bad idea if he talked to someone."
 
 "He's got me for that," she snapped and at once realized what she had done.  "Ma'am 
I'm sorry.  That was unforgivable."
 
 "We're all under a lot of tension right now.  It's OK," Mac assured her.  "I'm just 
going to ask you to overlook for right now Bud being a little. . .well strange or 
different."
 
 "OK fine.  But I also need for someone to care about me and AJ and our needs," she 
said bitterly.  
 
 "Harriet I do," Mac assured her.  "And anytime you want to talk, you know where to 
find me."
 
 "Thank you for that," she sighed.  "I guess I don't sound like it but I do appreciate it.  
OK let me go get my Sailor and take him home.  Hopefully whatever Harm's saying to 
him is going to help."
 ================

 "Bud you didn't handle that real well," Harm pointed out when he caught up to his 
friend.
 
 "No sir I didn't.  But then I didn't expect to.  I knew seeing Harriet was going to be 
hard and it would have been better if she had just let me come to her."
      
  "Bud she's your wife. She loves you."
  
  "Yeah well right now I just need some space" Bud sighed. "Is that so much to 
  ask for?"
  
  "Well to her it is Bud. You've been away for a couple months and after what 
  happened she's naturally going to want to be with you."
  
  "I know. And it's not that I don't want to be with her. But right now taking 
  care of Jen is more important."
  
  "For now. And then you need to start thinking about your wife and child 
  Bud."
  
  "Sir, I'm trying. But right now I just can't."
  
  "Bud you can't ignore Harriet forever" Harm said quietly. "Whatever feelings 
  you had for Jen you're going to have to let go of. Jen is gone now Bud."
  
  "I know sir. But right now I can't let go."
  
  "Bud" Harm sighed.
  
  "Sir you don't understand" Bud whispered. "I loved her."
  
  "I know you did Bud. And I know what's it like to lose someone you love. But 
  Harriet is still your wife and she still loves you. And I don't think you've 
  stopped loving her."
  
  Bud didn't answer and Harm let out a long sigh. "Okay. We'll talk about this 
  later. If we're going to go to Hagerstown, we should get going."
  
  An hour later they were on their way to Hagerstown, Harriet reluctantly 
  leaving Bud with Harm and Mac.
 
  "Bud you okay?" Mac asked gently as she turned around to face the troubled 
  officer in the backseat.
  
  "Yes ma'am" Bud said with a forced smile. "You know you didn't have to come 
  with us."
  
  "I know. But I wanted to. I knew Jen too remember?"
  
  "Yes ma'am" he sighed and turned his head to look out the window again. Mac 
  didn't force any more conversation with him or Harm, who purposely seemed to 
  be keeping his attention forward.
  
  "And here we are" Harm said an hour and a half later. "Bud, let me do the 
  talking. I've met Reverend Coates and I know what he's like."
  
  Bud nodded and the trio walked to the door.
  
  "Evening sir" Harm said with Reverend Coates opened the door. "I'm Commander 
  Rabb and this is Colonel Mackenzie and Lt. Roberts."
  
  "If this is about Jen, I got the message." He started to close the door and 
  Harm put his hand up to stop him.
  
  "Sir, don't you want to know what happened to Jen?" Harm asked.
  
  "Not really. I'm sure that whatever happened to her was her own fault."
  
  "Your daughter died serving her country" Bud shouted. "Don't you even care?"
  
  "My daughter was a good for nothing tramp who cheated and stole her way 
  through life" Reverent Coates retorted.
  
  "You lousy bastard" Bud shrieked and it was only Harm's quick action that 
  kept him from swinging at the Reverend.
  
  "At ease Lieutenant," Harm ordered as he pushed Bud back. "That's an order."
  
  "Sir your daughter had turned her life around" Mac tried. "She was making a 
  career for herself in the military."
  
  "Sleeping with every sailor she met along the way I'm sure. Including this 
  one obviously. What about you Commander? Did she satisfy you too?"
  
  "You are pathetic excuse for a father" Harm shrieked as he grabbed Reverend 
  Coates collar and shoved him against the door. "Your daughter was a kind, 
  decent young woman who was getting her life back together despite being 
  raised by you." He shoved him hard one last time before finally turning and 
  walking away.
  
  "Well I see she had you all fooled" Reverend Coates said as he fixed his 
  shirt. "And Commander Rabb will be damn lucky if I don't call his CO and let 
  him know what happened. And Admiral Chegwidden I believe he said his name 
  was."
  
  "It would be your word against the three of us" Mac retorted. "And I think 
  our CO would be more likely to believe his senior officers than he would 
  you. And the Lieutenant and I saw nothing."
  
  "Fine. You've made your point" Reverend Coates snapped. "Now get out of 
  here."
 
 The three JAG officers looked at each other and Harm motioned them back down the 
steps.  Half way down Mac turned around and took a step back up toward Coates.  
"Sir.  Reverend Coates.  Please.  Her funeral is tomorrow.  You should be there.  Be 
there to receive the flag that's covering her casket.  You owe her that much.  You 
owe her memory that much."
 
 Harm and Bud looked back up the steps, watching for Coates' reaction.
 
 "What part of get out of here went over your head," he roared suddenly, raising his 
arm as if to strike her.  At once Harm was at her side, throwing himself between the 
angry man and his partner.
 
 "Harm I can handle this myself if I have to," Mac snapped, pushing Harm aside.
 
 Coates dropped his arm.  "All of you just go.  You don't understand, and no amount 
of explaining would make you understand.  Get out.  Off my property or I will file a 
formal complaint."  With that he stepped back and slammed the door.
 
 "He was going to hit you ma'am," Bud gasped.  "How could he be Jen's father?  How 
could someone so sweet and gentle come from him?  A man of God besides?  I don't 
understand.  In fact I don't think I understand much of anything any more."
 
 "He wouldn't have hit me," she said quietly.  "I pushed and he went to push back is 
all."
 
 "If he'd have touched you. . ."Harm started and closed his mouth, instead putting a 
protective arm across her shoulders.  "Let's get out of here.  This was a waste of 
time.  Something has turned his heart to rock."
 
 It was late evening by the time they reached the DC area, swinging through Rosslyn 
to drop Bud off and then across the bridge to Georgetown.
 
 He pulled up at her place and put the SUV into park.  "I'll walk you up."
 
 "Thanks.  In fact. . ."
 
 "Yeah?"
 
 "Why don't you stay?  I know I've got some soup on the shelf and. . .well OK I don't 
want to be alone right now with the funeral tomorrow.  I'll just fixate on that and at 
least if you're with me maybe we can keep each other from going off the deep end.  
Please."  She was out of breath when she finished and her eyes searched his face, 
looking for. . .for what she was not totally sure.  Reassurance and/or comfort 
perhaps.
 
 "Yeah OK.  Soup and maybe some music?  I don't think I can take TV or even a 
movie though."
 
 "Deal."
 ===========
 "I was never so glad to get out of my uniform," she announced, emerging from the 
bedroom to find Harm standing at the window, watching the street below.  "There's 
some sweats and stuff in the bottom drawer of my chest.  And you're welcome to the 
shower.  Clean towels on the linen shelf in there."
 
 "Mic's sweats?"
 
 "Do you care?"
 
 "At this point no.  A shower and a change sounds too wonderful to turn down."
 
 He was drying his hair with the towel that was hanging from his neck when she 
called that the soup was ready.  They ate in silence for a few minutes until she put 
her spoon down and looked at him thoughtfully.  "Harm, without breaking any 
confidence of course. . .Bud and Jen?  It might help me to know what I'm dealing 
with, to say nothing of how to best help him and Harriet, if I knew."
 
 He sighed and shrugged his shoulders.  "If you weren't already so close to the 
situation I wouldn't tell you.  But under the circumstance I don't think he'll mind 
that you know---in fact likely you've already guessed that on some level or other, he 
loved her."
 
 She was not surprised.  "I thought so.  And did this love ever. . .?
 
 "He claims not," he said.  "Doesn't really matter now anyway.  She's gone and I think 
he's going to stay committed to his marriage."
 
 "I would hope so."  Her eyes flashed indignantly.  
 
 "So would I. But right now Bud is totally confused. He doesn't know what
 he's feeling."

 "I don't think any of us do" Mac sighed. "But I would hope that he realizes 
 his future is with Harriet. Whatever feelings he had for Jen. . .well there's 
 nothing he can do about them now."
 
 "I know that and so do you. But Bud's not thinking straight right now. And 
 we still have to get through tomorrow."
 
 "Yes we do. And it's not going to be easy." She pushed her bowl away at that 
 point and Harm did the same. They cleaned up the kitchen together before 
 heading to the sofa. She had turned the stereo on and now soft music floated 
 through the apartment.
 
 "You okay?" he asked as she sunk down beside him.
 
 "Yeah. Thanks for staying." She gave him a small smile and he gently reached 
 for her, pulling her against him so that her head was resting on his 
 shoulder.
 
 "It's going to be okay Sarah" he whispered. "Somehow we'll all get through 
 this."
 
 "I hope so. I know it never seems like it when something like this happens 
 but I hope Bud is going to be okay."
 
 "He will be. It will take some time but he'll be okay. All of us will be."
 
 They stayed that way until she fell asleep on him and he gently lifted her 
 to her feet and led her to the bedroom.
 
 "Night Sarah" he whispered as he kissed her forehead once she was tucked 
 into the covers.
 
 "Don't leave" she murmured.
 
 "Is that an invitation Marine?" he smiled.
 
 "I'll sleep better with you here" she said softly as she reached for his 
 hand. "Please."
 
 Her soft and pleading voice tugged at his heart and he gently slid down on 
 the bed next to her, gathering her close to him.
 
 "This better?" he asked.
 
 "I know I'm not being much of a Marine" she said with a long sigh.
 
 "Hey don't start that. We've been through a lot. So don't even think about 
 it. And I'm happy to be here for you."
 
 "And I'm glad you're here" she murmured as her eyes closed once again. 
 **************

 Mac woke first, gently lifting her head from Harm's chest the next morning. 
 She smiled at the sight of him still asleep, her hand reaching up to gently 
 trace his face. She lay there watching him sleep, thanking god again that 
 they'd gotten through Afghanistan unscathed. She managed to suppress a 
 shudder as her mind once again returned to that day in the desert when she'd 
 almost lost him.
 
 "Morning"
 
 His voice startled her and she gave him a small smile as she looked down at 
 him. "Morning. Did you sleep okay?"
 
 "Fine. How about you?"
 
 "Yeah. Much better than I have the past few nights."
 
 "Guess I'll just have to stay with you more often" Harm smiled. "But that's 
 a topic for another day."
 
 "Yes it is" she nodded. "Unfortunately we have a difficult day ahead of us."
 
 As she spoke the phone rang and with a long sigh she reached for it.
 
 "Colonel Mackenzie."
 
 "I'm sorry to bother you ma'am, but I didn't know who else to call" Harriet 
 said tearfully. "I tried to reach Commander Rabb but he wasn't home."
 
 "Harriet what's wrong?" Mac demanded and at once Harm was at her side.
 
 "Bud's gone. He must have left some time during the night. There's no note 
 and I don't know where he is.  The car is here, so he didn't go far I guess, but I hate 
to think of him wandering the streets," she wailed softly.
 
 "Okay stay calm. He probably just needed some space. I'm sure he'll be back 
 for the funeral."
 
 "Ma'am I don't understand all this" Harriet wailed. "Why does he need space? 
 He should want to be with me. I'm his wife."
 
 "He's just in shock right now Harriet. He saw someone killed and it's been 
 really hard on him. Just give him some time. In the meantime, I'll be over 
 as soon as I get ready and I'll have Harm try and find Bud."
 
 "Thank you ma'am" Harriet sniffled before hanging up.
 
 "What happened?" Harm asked as Mac hung up the phone.
 
 "Bud's AWOL from Harriet. He left some time during the night and didn't even 
 leave her a note."
 
 "Oh boy" Harm said with a long sigh. "I guess I better go find him. Any 
 clues on where I should start?"
 
 "No. I have no clue where Bud's mind is right now. And I have to go see to 
 Harriet."
 
  "What will you say to her?  Give your husband some time and space--he's lost 
someone he loved?  That should be really good."

"Hey I don't know," she snapped.  "You men are all alike anyway.  Acting stupid must 
be genetic."

"When was the last time you saw me do anything stupid," he screeched, trying to 
glare at her and pay attention to putting his sweats on at the same time.  "And never 
mind.  I'll drop you at Harriet's but I have no clue where Bud would have gone.  I 
mean it's not like we're psychically connected or something."

"Only by that male gene," she retorted.

"OK stop," he ordered, grabbing her by her upper arms.  "Now what is going on?  You 
were understanding Bud earlier.  Now all of a sudden you're upset with him?"

"Yes I am," she yelped.  "I do understand how he feels.  Or at least as much as I can 
but he's now transgressed to hurting Harriet.   She shouldn't have to understand.  
She sent off a man who was deeply in love with her; now she's gotten back pretty 
much a stranger."

"She needs to give him some time," he protested weakly.

"Of course she does, but she's not going to understand that.  Not without having 
some sense of Bud's loss and I don't think she can garner that.  Unless of course he 
wants to tell Harriet that he loved this woman and that's not a real smart thing to 
do either.  Look all I know is that if he doesn't get some control over himself and the 
situation, he's going to add a crumbling marriage to his problems.  You ready?  Let's 
go."

"Uh. . .yeah I'm ready," he sighed, unwilling to engage in further conversation.

It was a short drive over the bridge to Rosslyn, accomplished in silence, neither 
knowing what to say after that exchange.  He pulled up in front of the apartment 
building and took hold of her wrist before she could exit.  "I'll drive around and look 
for him and when--if--I find him I'm going to try to remind him of his responsibilities 
here but at the same time if Harriet pushes too hard from her side she's going to 
lose him.  See if you can get her to back off."

"Well there has to be a compromise in there somewhere," she nodded.

"Hey you and me we need to do something right here and right now," he spoke up 
with a long breath for courage.  "Hear me out at least?"

She nodded, letting her eyes meet his. 

"This is the kind of thing that outsiders can get involved in and caught up in and it 
turns out to be bad news all around," he said slowly, choosing his words carefully.  
"You and me--we're just barely starting to figure it out.  Please Sarah, don't let Bud 
and Harriet's problems be the latest in a long line of circumstance that has kept us 
apart for too long already."

Mac's eyes grew bigger with each word and she finally shook her head.  "Flyboy your 
timing is not to be believed.  Of all the times in the past we could have talked about 
us, or started down that road, now is when you acknowledge it out loud?"

"Can I help it if I'm an ignoramus," he smiled softly.  "Yeah guilty to all charges and 
specifications OK.  I think you and I have a real chance here.  I don't want it screwed 
up.  Much as I care for Bud and Harriet, well at this point I'm exercising a little well-
deserved selfishness."

She nodded thoughtfully.  "No.  Neither do I," she said after a long beat and to his 
undying surprise leaned forward close enough to touch her lips to his before she 
bailed from the car.   
   
  "One day Sarah" he murmured. "One day we'll have our time."
  
  He pulled away and drove around the neighborhood looking for any sign of 
  Bud. He finally spotted an all night diner and pulled in to the lot, not 
  surprised to find Bud there nursing a cold cup of coffee.
  
  "He belong to you?" the waitress asked as Harm started towards him.
  
  "Yeah why?"
  
  "Says he doesn't have any money for the five donuts and all the cups of coffee he's 
drank since he got here" the waitress sighed. "And I didn't want to call the cops. He 
looks like a nice guy."
  
  "Thanks. He is. He's just had a real hard time recently," Harm said quietly. 
  "I'll pay for whatever he owes. Just bring me the bill when you get a 
  chance."
  
  She nodded and Harm continued to the small booth Bud was sitting at.
  
  "Sir what are you doing here?" Bud asked as he looked up at his friend.
  
  "Harriet called Mac because you were gone," Harm said as he sat down. "You 
  want to tell me what's going on?"
  
  "I just had to get away sir. All Harriet wanted to talk about was the new 
  house. I don't care about that some stupid house. I'm burying someone I 
  cared about today and all she thinks about is the wallpaper in the bedroom. 
  She thinks I should be thrilled to be home but honestly sir I'm not. The 
  only reason I'm home is because Jen is dead. And I'd much rather be on the 
  Seahawk with Jen than here."
  
  "Bud I know you miss Jen. But Harriet is your wife."
  
  "I know sir. But right now she just doesn't understand what I'm going 
  through. No one does sir."
  
  "And no one can know Bud. But we're all trying to help. And that's all 
  Harriet is doing. She just wants life to go on."
  
  "I don't know if my life can go on sir" Bud sighed. "I just feel empty 
  inside."
  
  "You have worked too hard to let go of what you have Mr. Roberts" Harm said 
  seriously. "You have a great career with JAG, a wife who adores you and a 
  beautiful son who needs his father."
  
  "None of that matters any more sir" Bud said miserably.
  
  "Bud how close were you and Jen?" Harm asked sharply, unable to hide how startled 
he was by Bud's sudden admission.
  
  "I loved her sir. I know that may sound crazy but something just clicked 
  with us when we were together. It was like I'd been with her my whole life 
  instead of just a few months. She understood me. Much better than Harriet 
  does I'm realizing."
  
  "Bud you need to talk to Harriet. You've got a lot of anger directed at her 
  and you need to talk about this."
  
  "She's the one who decided to buy a house sir" Bud snapped. "Without even 
  asking me how I felt."
  
  "Yes I know that. And I advised her against that."
  
  "Well she didn't listen. Sir, I just don't know what I'm going to do. The 
  only thing I know for sure is I need some time away from Harriet."
  
  "Running away isn't going to solve your problems" Harm sighed.
  
  "I'm not running away sir. I just need some space. I was wondering if I 
  could stay with you for a while?"
  
  "Bud" Harm groaned.
  
  "Please sir. Just until I can work through this."
  
  "On one condition. And that is you promise me you will seriously work out 
  whatever problems you and Harriet have. If that means going to a marriage 
  counselor, you do it. Whatever it takes."
  
  "I will sir. I just need some space right now."
  
  "Fine. You can stay on my sofa. Now don't you think you should go home and 
  talk to your wife? She was frantic this morning when she called Mac."
  
  "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare her. I just wanted to be alone."
  
  "Bud she loves you. Don't shut her out completely."
  
  "I just don't know if I still love her," Bud said miserably as he stood up. 
  Harm let out a long sigh and followed him.  
  ****************
 
 Harriet & Bud's Apartment
  
  "This is just crazy" Harriet sighed. "I don't understand any of this ma'am."
  
  "Harriet you have to give Bud some time. He's been through a horrible 
  experience."
  
  "But he should want me to help him through it" Harriet countered. "Instead 
  he's pushing me away. And he got so mad when I tried to talk about something 
  else."
  
  "Like the house?" Mac asked. "Harriet, that's probably not a good subject 
  right now."
  
  "I know I shouldn't have just bought it without him. But it's the house I've 
  always wanted and little AJ will finally have a yard to play in. Is it so 
  much to want a nice place for my child to grow up in?"
  
  "No it's not," Mac said patiently. "But right now a new house isn't 
  important to Bud."
  
  "Why not? This is what we'd both wanted for so long."
  
  "Give him time Harriet. Once he's had a chance to get past what happened 
  he'll be more receptive to the house."
  
  "I hope so ma'am. I was so happy to hear he was coming home. Course I wish 
  it had been under different circumstances. But I thought he'd be happy to be 
  home."
  
  "Time Harriet" Mac sighed. "Give him time. Once he gets through the burial 
  today, he can start putting this behind him."
  
  The door opened a second later, a subdued Bud walking into the apartment 
  with Harm behind him.
  
  "Bud thank god" Harriet wailed as she threw her arms around him. "Are you 
  okay?"
  
  "I'm fine. I just needed to get some fresh air. I'm sorry I worried you."
  
  "I am worried Bud. Something isn't right with you."
  
  "No it's not Harriet," he said quietly. "Which is why I'm going to be moving 
  out for a bit."
  
  "You're what?" she screeched. "Why are you doing this? Is this because of 
  the house? You're getting back at me for buying the house?"
  
 "Harriet everything is not about you or that damn house," Bud snapped sharply.  
"I'm going to bury a friend today and then I'm going to take some time and space 
and get my head together.  If you know what's good for you and our marriage, you'll 
give me that time."
 
 Harriet's mouth fell open and she stared after him as he stormed into the bedroom, 
giving the door a resounding slam which of course woke AJ who let out a piercing 
scream of fright.
 
 "This is going from bad to worse to impossible," Mac whispered as Harriet ran for 
the other bedroom.  "Harm I don't have any answers here."
 
 "Nor do I but to take it one step at a time," he said slowly.  "Burial today.  Let's get 
through that.  It was nice of the Admiral to have everyone back at his place after.  
Hopefully once she's buried--once Bud has that behind him--he can start to see his 
way back to Harriet.  In case you didn't get his drift, he's coming to stay with me."
 
 "Bad idea."
 
 He looked at her sharply.  "Excuse me?"
 
 "You're enabling here Commander.  Assisting him to walk out on his marriage."
 
 "Hey don't give me any of that crappola AA feeds you," he hissed.  "I'm helping a 
friend.  I'd rather have him staying with me where I can keep any eye on him than 
having him off god knows where.  I'm hoping that I can talk him into some 
counseling.  How about a little trust in me huh?  And while you're mustering that up, 
how about thinking about what we said earlier too, about finding our own way.  I 
care a lot about this family but I refuse to let them destroy what may be our last 
chance at anything."
 
 "I don't want that to happen either," she whispered, her hand going to his shoulder 
and then her fingertips stroking his face lightly.
 
 "Sorry interrupting," Harriet called, carrying out a flailing three year old.
 
 "I'll take that off your hands," Harm grinned, happy at the sight of his godson.
 
 "He's sopping wet sir," Harriet sighed.  "They haven't made the overnight diaper yet 
that can withstand the onslaught of his bladder.  I'm going to put him in the tub, 
but I was hoping to talk to Bud once more alone.  I don't suppose. . ."
 
 "Of course the Commander would love to give him a bath," Mac said quickly.  "I can 
help."
 
 "Yeah we can do that," Harm agreed, "but Harriet, that space thing remember."

"Yes sir I'll try," she sighed.
 
 "You will make a great dad," Mac pronounced seriously a few minutes later as Harm 
knelt by the tub, a laughing AJ playing with an armada of boats.
 ================

 ARLINGTON CEMETERY
 3 Hours later
 
 It was under a dark and threatening sky that the mourners gathered.  The staff 
from JAG who had met Jennifer Coates at Christmas along with two men Captain 
Johnson had sent to represent the Seahawk, watched as the honor guard approached 
the site.  The horses hooves making that eerie clip clop noise was the only thing that 
broke the stillness until the NCO in charge barked the orders that would see the 
casket safely up the path and onto the catafalque.
 
 Harm in dress whites and Mac in her dress blues stood at rigid attention.  Bud and 
Harriet stood together slightly at a distance from them.   AJ escorted the Arlington 
Chaplain forward and stopped at the casket to look around.  "Reverend Coates?"
 
 "Not likely," Harm whispered.  "I wouldn't wait."
 
 AJ shook his head and turned to Cpt. Moore.  "We're ready to begin."
 
 "When two or more are gathered in His name," the chaplain began. "It is all together 
fitting and proper that we gather at the final resting place of the earthly body of 
Petty Officer Jennifer Coates.  I understand her to have been a good a decent woman, 
happy in the service of her country, with a deep abiding belief in her Lord and His 
son.  Her soul has winged its way to be with Them.  Now only her body remains to be 
dealt with.  Jennifer's death was a direct result of man's inhumanity to man, but let 
us take comfort in that she is at peace.  A short time of agony, a brief goodbye, and a 
second later she was touching the face of God.  Let us also remember that life here 
on this earth is fleeting at best.  No one is guaranteed tomorrow.  To that end, let us 
all hold those we deem most dear even closer to our hearts."
 
 As if ordained from above, Harm and Mac both gave a short barely audible gasp and 
the backs of their hands touched.  Another time, another place, that simple action 
meant they were still very much connected despite circumstance conspiring against 
them.  Now it meant that and more.
    
  Across the way two people stood together, but at the same time so far apart. 
  Harriet reached for her husband's hand, only to have him pull it away.
  
  The playing of Taps followed the gun salute, and finally the flag was folded 
  and handed to Chaplain Turner who looked to AJ for assistance. To Harriet's 
  shock Bud stepped forward for the flag and Chaplain Turner handed him the 
  flag.
  
  "On behalf of the President of the United States, a grateful nation, and a 
  proud Navy, this flag is presented as a token of our appreciation for the 
  honorable and faithful service rendered by Petty Officer Jennifer Coates to 
  her country and Navy".
  
  "Thank you" Bud managed to choke out as he held the flag to his chest.
  
  The services ended and Bud walked forward one last time to the casket.
  
  "Goodbye Jen" he whispered as his hand gently touched the casket. "I'll 
  never forget you." His voice broke and a small sob escaped him and Harm 
  slowly walked to his friend as Mac made her way to Harriet.
  
  "Ma'am I don't understand any of this" Harriet wailed. "Why is he so upset? 
  And why did he take the flag?"
  
  "She had no other family," Mac said softly. "Bud was as close to family as 
  she had."
  
  "Just how close were they?" Harriet demanded.
  
  "Harriet I don't know" Mac said slowly. "But jumping to conclusions isn't 
  going to help. You need to stay calm and rational about this."
  
  "How am I supposed to do that? My husband just came back from three months 
  away and he doesn't even want to see me. He doesn't even want to be with 
  me."
  
  "Come on let's go to the car" Mac urged. "We can talk there."
  
  "What about Bud?" Harriet asked as she looked to where her husband stood 
  with Harm.
  
  "Harm will make sure he's okay. Come on."
==============
  
  "Bud you okay?" Harm asked gently.
  
  "No sir" Bud cried. "I can't believe its over. She's dead and I'm never 
  going to see her again." The tears slid down his face unchecked and Harm 
  awkwardly put his arm over the young man's shoulder.
  
  "Bud she wouldn't have wanted you to be like this" Harm said quietly. "She 
  would have wanted you to go on."
  
  "I don't know if I can" Bud sobbed. "I just feel like a part of me has died 
  along with her sir."
  
  He stood there crying as the dark skies that had threatened finally let go 
  and moments later it was as if the tears were pouring down from heaven as 
  well. Harm stood beside his friend in the rain, offering a gentle hand to 
  his shoulder for comfort.
  
  "Bud come on," Harm said finally. "We should get going."
  
  "I don't know how to say goodbye" Bud whispered. "I don't want to say 
  goodbye. I don't want her to be dead. I want her back."
  
  "I know" Harm said quietly. "I don't want her to be dead either Bud. But she 
  is Bud. And though she may not be with you here on earth, part of her will 
  always be with you. You loved her and you'll always have your memories of 
  her."
  
  Bud nodded and took one last look at the casket. "Bye Jen. Someday I'll see 
  you again." With that he finally turned and walked from the casket towards 
  the car.
  
  Harm stood there for a moment, his hand reaching to touch the casket one 
  last time.
  
  "I'm sorry Jen," he said softly. "It shouldn't have been this way. You 
  should still be here. Living life like you were supposed to. If I hadn't 
  talked you into staying" His own voice broke and he took a deep breath to 
  keep his own tears at bay. "You deserved better than this. And I'm sorry."
  
  His hand trailed along the casket one last time before he finally turned and 
  walked to the car where Bud was waiting.
  
  ***********
  AJ's Home
  McLean, VA
  
  Mac's eyes stayed on the door and as soon as Harm and Bud walked in she 
  quickly hurried over to them.
  
  "Bud you okay?" Mac asked as she gave her friend a hug.
  
  "Yes ma'am" he said numbly.
  
  "Daddy" little AJ called as he came running from the kitchen, Harriet 
  following behind him.
  
  "Hey sweetie" Bud whispered as he lifted his son into his arms and hugging 
  him tightly. He carried him to the den with Harriet behind him and Mac 
  turned to Harm.
  
  "You okay?" she asked as she looked at him.
  
  "Yeah I'm fine," he said quietly. "Just trying to keep Bud together here. He 
  had a hard time saying goodbye."
 
 "And if he doesn't get it together he's going to be saying goodbye to the two best 
things he's got going for him," she murmured.  
 
"No.  No way.  It's my opinion their marriage is strong enough to weather this.  
Especially if we help."
 
 "You mean take sides don't you?"
 
 "No I don't," he snapped.  "I don't want their problems affecting us.  That much I am 
clear on."
 
"Is there an us?" she asked with sudden mischievous.
 
 "You damn right there is, and it's fragile and tenuous," he shot back and started to 
walk off, flinging back over his shoulder to her, "and I'm not letting this hurt it."
 
 Once again she shook her head.  Something she wanted so very badly, and it was all 
tangled up in death and other emotions.
 
 "Mac you OK?  Mac?  Mac answer me."
 
 That finally got her attention and she turned to face Sturgis.  "Oh sorry.  I was 
totally out there for a few seconds."
 
 "Yes you were," he frowned.  "And you're pretty pale.  Come sit down.  Can I get you 
a drink?"
 
 "Thanks no I'm fine.  In fact I was thinking about walking onto the porch for some 
air if you'd care to join me."
 
 "You got it," he smiled and guided her out, an action Harm caught enough of out of 
the corner of his eye to warrant a scowl.
============ 

 "Looks like my son and your special lady are having a quiet moment," Chaplain 
Turner observed, causing Harm's scowl to deepen.
 
 "Yes sir, she probably needed a break from me.  And anyway she and I are partners 
but. . ."
 
 "Hey I'm old, but not blind," he interrupted.  "She was the only one in this room full 
of people whom you spoke more than a few polite words to plus the connection the 
two of you have is so there when you look at each other.  I didn't mean to stare but I 
was watching you talk just now.  Your eyes say it all.  On the other hand--and I 
realize I'm way out of line here but I am a meddling old preacher--there's tension.  If 
I can help. . ."
 
 "Sir thank you," Harm sighed.  "But this thing with Mac and me, well I'm afraid your 
Boss has left that to us to figure out.  He's given us a lot of chances and we've blown 
every last one of them to hell and back, excuse me.  On the other hand, Lieutenant 
Roberts--Bud--is really hurting.  If you knew of anything that would help him, that 
would be great."
 
 "I'd be glad to talk to the boy if you can get him to come see me," he nodded.  
 
 "I'll sure try," Harm nodded.  "He's wanting to come stay with me for a couple days.  
Mac doesn't think it's a good idea, but I think he feels like he needs a little time and if 
he's with me at least I can keep an eye on him.  Harriet of course wants him right 
with her."
 
 The Chaplain nodded quietly.  "Just do be careful.  You may save that relationship at 
the cost of your own."
 
 "NO," he answered with surprising vehemence.  "Sir I care very much about them.  
They've been friends of mine--and Mac's for a long time, but it's Mac that I love and 
did I say that out loud?"
 
 Turner threw back his head and laughed loudly.  "Yes you did.  Only to the wrong 
person don't you think?"
 
 "Yes sir," he answered sheepishly.  "But this is not the time."
 
 "Maybe not.  But if I were you I wouldn't wait until just the exact right time.  You 
may not get it."
 
  "I know" Harm sighed. "I'm just afraid of saying it at the wrong time and 
  ruining what we have."
  
  "That won't happen if it's right" Chaplain Turner smiled as he patted his 
  shoulder. "Why don't you go check on her? Tell my son I need to see him and 
  then you go out there with her."
  
  "No I think she needs some space."
  
  "She needs you. Go to her."
  
  With Chaplain Turner's prodding he did so, stepping out onto the Admiral's 
  porch a minute later.
  
  "I'm going to go check on Dad" Sturgis said as he rose from the bench next 
  to Mac. "If you two need anything, let me know."
  
  He walked inside and Harm stood awkwardly in front of Mac. "Do you mind if I 
  sit down with you?" he asked quietly.
  
  "No" she said softly.
  
  "You okay. I'm sorry about earlier. Everything is just so out of control all 
  of a sudden."
  
  "Did you really mean it when you said there was an us?"
  
  "There better be an us" he whispered. "Because after everything that's 
  happened the past few days I need to know there is something in this world 
  worth fighting for."
  
  "You're willing to fight for us?"
  
  "Yes. Are you?"
  
  "I didn't know there was an us to fight for" she said quietly. "But yes I'm 
  willing to fight for us. I want whatever sliver of happiness I can find in 
  this crazy world."
  
  "Me too" he whispered. "But it's not going to be easy. Especially not with 
  what's going on with Bud and Harriet."
  
  "I know. We're just going to get sucked further into this."
  
  "Not if we don't let them."
  
  "Harm that's going to be awful hard while you're taking care of Bud and I'm 
  taking care of Harriet."
  
  "We'll find a way."
  
  As he spoke the door opened and Bud walked out onto the porch.
  
  "Sir, if you don't mind, I'm ready to go" Bud said quietly.
  
  "Bud you just got here" Harm sighed he stood up. "Don't you want to talk to 
  Harriet or spend some time with little AJ."
  
  "No sir, I just want to go home. Well home to your place."
  
  "I guess I'll see you later," Mac said quietly as she stood up. "Bud I 
  really think you should reconsider what you're doing here. Being away from 
  Harriet isn't going to change what happened to Jen."
  
  "I know ma'am. But I just don't want to be with Harriet right now. Sir, I'll 
  be waiting at the car."
  
  He walked down the steps and to the car and Mac gave Harm a long look.
  
  "You should never have allowed him to stay with you. Do you see what you've 
  created? He's running away from his problems. He doesn't have to face 
  Harriet because you gave him a place to hide out."
  
  "Mac I'm not hiding him out. He asked if he could stay with me. What was I 
  supposed to do? Tell him to get lost?"
  
  "You could have talked him into going home to his wife and child" Mac 
  countered.
  
  "What part of he doesn't want to be with her right now aren't you getting?" 
  Harm sighed. "At least this way he won't say something he'll regret later to 
  her."
  
  "No but he also won't work anything out."
  
  "Mac" Harm groaned. "Look he's staying with me and that's just the way it's 
  going to be."
  
  The door opened and Harriet walked out. "Is Bud out here?" she asked 
  quietly.
  
  "I'm taking him home Harriet" Harm said quietly. "He wanted to leave."
  
  "Home to where?" Harriet snapped. "Because his home is with me and AJ."
  
  "Harriet he's going to stay with me for a few days. Just until he can get 
  his head on straight."
  
  "You" she shrieked. "He's staying with you when he should be with me?"
  
  "Harriet" Harm started.
  
  "I don't understand this" Harriet whispered as the tears slid down her face. 
  "Why doesn't he want to be with me? What did I do that was so wrong?"
  
  "You didn't do anything wrong" Harm sighed. "And I'm sorry. I wish. . ." He 
  paused and took a long breath. "I wish none of this had ever happened. But 
  it has and right now you just need to give Bud some space."
  
 "Yeah OK space," she sniffled, giving Bud a long glare as he climbed into Harm's car.  
"I can do that, but I don't have unlimited patience with this.  I have needs too."  She 
took a long deep breath hoping for some calm.  "Mac I'm going to take a walk 
through the back.  Could you keep an eye on AJ and then maybe if you wouldn't mind 
you could drop me and him off on your way."
 
 "Absolutely," she nodded.  "Go ahead.  AJ is on the deck with Singer anyway and I'll 
check on him in just a minute."
 
 Harm and Mac watched her walk away, her shoulders slumped and sobbing as quietly 
as she could.
 
 "Harm this is. . ." Mac began.
 
 "Hey don't you dare say it's my fault," he screeched, so loudly and vehemently that 
she drew back in shock.
 
 "I wasn't going to.  I was going to say I don't see any good coming out of this.  Not 
for them and not for us."
 
 "Sorry, I've got one nerve left and this whole situation is leaning on it," he said in a 
much mollified tone.  "I'm scared Mac.  Scared for them, but realizing there's not a 
whole helluva lot I can do about that situation except be supportive.  For us--for you 
and me--I'm terrified.  This could destroy us."
 
 "If we let it yeah," she agreed.  "I think we're stronger than that and that we can ride 
it out."
 
 "OK, then I may be leaning on you for some of your conviction," he sighed.  "Let me 
get Bud out of here.  You be safe driving and I'll call you later."
 
 She nodded, her eyes meeting his, and gave him a short sweet smile.
 
 "I think so," he nodded, knowing what she was thinking and he leaned down and 
kissed her at the corner of her mouth.  "Later.  Be careful."
 
 "You too Sailor."
 
 AJ stepped onto the front porch as Harm drove away with Bud and stood behind 
Mac, resting his hands on her shoulders.  "My people are hurting," he said quietly.
 
 "Yes sir they are, very much," she nodded.  "And right now I'm praying as hard as I 
can that it's fixable.  I'm going to see Harriet and little AJ home.  Sir thank you for 
having this.  It's all part of the healing."
 
 His hands pressed harder into her shoulders.  "Listen and consider this an order if 
you need to.  I want you to tell me what I can do to help.  You and Rabb are much 
closer to the situation than I can be.  But if you see something that I can further, 
you're to let me know. OK?"
 
 "Yes sir I can do that," she said softly.  "You're a good friend sir."
 ==============
 An hour later Mac drove into the parking lot of the Roberts apartment in Rosslyn.   
"Would you like me to come up with you?" 
 
 "No I. . .actually yes please," Harriet nodded.  "AJ needs a nap and if you wouldn't 
mind, I'm not sure I want to be alone right now.  Besides I've got something I need 
to tell you."
 
 With AJ settled in bed, clutching a tattered Pooh bear, Harriet fixed them ice tea and 
brought it out onto the balcony.
 
 "You wanted to tell me something?" Mac asked after a few minutes of silence.
 
 "Yes ma'am," she nodded, at once grabbing for a napkin to dab at her eyes.  "And I'm 
going to just say it straight out.  Just before Bud left, we had a romantic farewell 
dinner and. . .Mac I'm pregnant.  You're the only one I've told, not even Bud.  It was 
going to be a surprise.  I had visions of me and AJ meeting him in September and he 
would see that I was and. . ."  A long sob took the rest of her words.
 
 Mac could only stare.  Of all the things she expected Harriet might say, that was not 
even close.
      
  "Oh Harriet" she said finally. "I'm sorry. But you know Bud will come 
  around. It's just going to take him some time to get past what happened to 
  Jen."
  
  "I hope so" Harriet wailed. "I don't know what I'll do if he doesn't want me 
  around anymore."
  
  "Shh don't even say that" Mac chided her. "Bud Roberts loves you very much."
  
  "I used to believe that. But now I'm not sure that's the case. He's 
  different ma'am."
  
  "Harriet he watched someone die in front of him" Mac said quietly. "From my 
  own experience, I can tell you that you're never the same person you were 
  before something like that happens."
  
  "I know that. But I thought that he would turn to me for help. Not Harm."
  
  "People deal with things differently. Give Bud some time now that the 
  funeral is over to try and get things straight."
  
  "And if he doesn't?" Harriet sniffled.
  
  "That isn't going to happen" Mac assured her. "You two love each other way 
  too much for that to happen."
  
  "Do you think I should tell Bud?" she asked. "I was so looking forward to 
  telling him and now this."
  
  "Why don't you wait a few days?" Mac suggested. "By then he may be back here 
  where he belongs."
  
  "I hope so ma'am. I hope so."  
  ****************
  
Harm's Apartment
  
  "Thanks for letting me stay" Bud said quietly. "I really appreciate it."
  
  "Just remember you promised you were going to work this out with Harriet" 
  Harm reminded him. "And you know you're going to have to face her in the 
  morning at JAG."
  
  "I know. I hope she doesn't create a scene."
  
  "She wouldn't create a scene if you were with her" Harm prodded gently.
  
  "Sir, I thought you understood" Bud snapped.
  
  "Hey easy Bud. I'm not taking sides here. I'm trying to help out both my 
  friends."
  
  "Sorry. And I know I should be with her. But I can't right now. I can't even 
  look at her."
  
  "Because you feel guilty?" Harm asked. "Because you might have been in love with 
Jen?"
  
  "It's a lot of things sir. None of which I can get a handle on right now."
  
  "Bud I wanted you to talk to someone about this. I'm here for you as a 
  friend but you need to talk to a professional. You know Chaplain Turner is a 
  pretty good guy to talk to about things."
  
  "What am I supposed to tell him?" Bud asked miserably. "That while I was 
  away from my wife I think I fell in love with another woman that was killed for no 
good reason. And now I'm not sure I want to be with my wife anymore."
  
  "You want to be with your wife" Harm corrected. "Don't even say you don't. 
  I've been there through all of you and Harriet's relationship. Don't tell me 
  you don't love that woman."
  
  "I do. But I loved Jen too."
  
  "Bud, Bud, Bud" Harm sighed. "My friend you have a lot to work out. And I'm 
  not the only one you should be talking to. I'm serious about this too."
  
  "I know sir. And I will. I just need a little time."
  
  "You can have a little time" Harm said as he stood up. "And with that I'm 
  going to go collapse onto my bed. Do you need anything else?"
  
  "No sir"
  
  "Bud call me Harm" Harm said with a small smile. "We're going to be together 
  all this time I don't want to be called sir all the time."
  
  Bud nodded and Harm started towards the bedroom. "I miss her sir" Bud said 
  quietly. "I can't believe she's gone."
  
 Harm stopped mid stride and took a long breath, not looking back at Bud when he 
spoke.  "Bud you need to be careful what you say.  Not around me, because anything 
you say to me is in total confidence, just like anything Harriet might elect to 
mention.  But seriously now, and I know you know this, you don't want to be 
confessing to adultery."
 
 "Yes sir.  Sorry." 
 
 Harm waited a moment and when Bud did not speak again added.  "Bud you miss 
her.  Of course you do.  She made a huge impact on your life in a short time."
 
 "Yes s. . .uh Harm.  And thanks for not mentioning Harriet.  It's two separate issues."
 
 "No Bud it's not," he responded quietly, "because how you feel about someone dead 
is affecting how you feel about a living breathing person.  A person who loves you 
dearly.  Right now.  You muck around too much and that love is going to evaporate."
 
 "I'm aware.  It's just so unfair.  Harriet was back here all safe and Jen was at war.  
Harriet's in the military too, but she managed to not be involved."
 
 "As have about ninety-eight percent of our armed forces," Harm reminded him.  "Try 
to get some rest Bud and let it go for a bit  We'll see what tonight brings."
 =====================
 Mac stayed with Harriet for the next couple hours, simply keeping her company.  AJ 
awoke and cried for Bud and Harriet rocked him in the old rocking chair which she 
had used to nurse him.  "I think he needs a trip to the park and a popsicle," Harriet 
sighed.  "Of course tonight it won't seem any different than it has since Bud's been 
gone.  Me doing it all."
 
 "Would you like me to stay and help?" Mac offered.
 
 "Oh hey no I didn't mean to hint that," she gulped. "Honestly.  I just remember 
feeling this overwhelming relief when I knew that Bud was coming home.  First that 
he was OK and then that he was coming home.  You know working getting a cranky 
three year up and out, working all day at that zoo, picking him up and fighting 
traffic all the way home, then getting him dinner and spending some time with him 
before he goes to bed--an hour that can't some soon enough I'm ashamed to say. . 
.god I must be overwrought or I wouldn't be going off like this."
 
 "Harriet it's OK," Mac assured her.  "You're entitled.  The question is, do you want 
company or do you want to be alone."
 
 "I'm not good at asking for help," she sighed.  "But if you could stay that would be 
great.  And I promise to stop whining."
 ==================

Harm rolled from his bed, feeling no better after a few hours of sleep.  From the 
living room he could hear the TV and a Roadrunner cartoon and he walked slowly 
out there.  "Bud did you get some sleep?"
 
 "A little bit yeah thanks," Bud nodded.  "You?"
 
 "No not much," he sighed and walked to the kitchen for a beer which he sat at the 
table to drink.  What he did not share with Bud was what had kept him from 
sleeping.  Jennifer Coates was in his head.  When he closed his eyes all the contact he 
had experienced with the young woman played before him like a slide show caught in 
the loop.  From his first meeting with her to taking her to Mac's to a gentle kiss in 
front of the church to encountering her aboard the Seahawk.  And worse, not only 
was he seeing the two of them, but she was in fact talking to him. 
  
  Bud trudged to the kitchen to join him, sinking down in one of the kitchen 
  chairs.
  
  "There's another one in the fridge if you want it" Harm sighed.
  
  "No thanks. I'm not sure that will help anyway. I didn't wake you did I?"
  
  "No I was awake anyway" Harm assured him. "So why couldn't you sleep?"
  
  "Just thinking about Jen. And Harriet. And little AJ. And how three months 
  ago life made perfect sense. And how everything is all messed up now."
  
  "No wonder you can't sleep. That's a lot to be thinking about."
  
  "I know. And I can't seem to help myself."
  
  "Maybe this would be easier if you were with Harriet."
  
  "No sir" Bud sighed. "That would only make it harder. I don't know what to 
  say to her. It's like we're strangers again. Like we've drifted apart."
  
  "Only because you've been away for three months. Bud she's still the woman 
  you fell in love with. That hasn't changed."
  
  "Well she changed. All the time I was gone all she thought about was buying 
  that stupid house."
  
  "Bud that's just not true.  You being gone wasn't easy for Harriet" Harm reminded 
him. "She had work to juggle along with your son. And she missed you a lot."
  
  "Well I missed her a lot at first too" Bud sighed. "But then Jen and I got 
  closer and I didn't seem to miss her as much."
  
  Suddenly in his mind Harm could hear Jen's quiet voice talking to him in his dream.
  
  >>>>"I loved him sir" she smiled. "Bud made me feel special and loved. 
  Something I'd never felt before." <<<<  
  
  "Harm you okay?" Bud asked as he looked over at his friend. "Sir?"
  
  "Yeah I'm fine" Harm said as he shook his head to block out the images and 
  voices that ran through his head. "I'm going to try and get some sleep. You 
  should do the same."
  
  "I will. Sorry again if I woke you."
  
  "It wasn't you" Harm murmured as he walked back to his bedroom.
  
  *******************
  Harriet's Apartment
  Same Time
  
  "Harm don't move."
  
  "Mac I can't stay here like this forever."
  
  Her scream of his name echoed through the apartment as the nightmare played 
  out again in her mind. Harm stepping on the mine, her horror as she watched 
  him fly through the air.
  
  "Mac" Harriet said as she gently shook her friend. "Mac wake up. It's just a 
  nightmare."
  
  "Harm" she sobbed one last time before full consciousness returned and she 
  realized she was on the sofa at Harriet's and not in the desert watching the 
  man she loved die in front of her.
  
  "Mac it's okay. It's over. What ever it is its over" Harriet said softly.
  
  "I'm sorry" Mac whispered as she choked back a sob.
  
  "Nothing to be sorry about. I'm used to nightmares. Little AJ had them for 
  weeks after Bud left. You okay?"
  
  It was several seconds before Mac answered, the horror of the nightmare 
  finally fading away. "Yeah I'm okay" she said finally.
  
  "You were screaming Harm's name. Anything you want to share?"
  
  "No" Mac said as she shook her. "I don't even want to think about it again. 
  It's too horrible." Her voice broke at the end and a few tears slid down her 
  face.
  
  "Mac talk to me. God knows you've listened to me whine all day. What's 
  wrong? What upset you so much?"
  
  "Please Harriet" Mac begged. "I don't want to talk about it."
  
  "All right. Can I get you some tea maybe? I really wasn't sleeping either 
  and maybe some tea would calm both of us."
  
  "And I thought I was supposed to be helping you" Mac sniffled.
  
  "I'm a mother remember" Harriet said with a small smile. "I'm used to taking 
  care of others and not myself."
 
 "Yeah well right now you've got a little one inside you that needs her mother," Mac 
reminded her, swallowing the last of her sobbing.  "And I think some tea would be 
great."
 
 Harriet pointed her in the right direction and went to check on AJ before joining 
her.
 
 "I didn't wake him I hope," Mac asked.
 
 "He moved a little.  His blankie and bunny normally put him right back down."  
Harriet watched her make the tea and shook her head.  "Looks like you're as much a 
veteran of middle of the night tea as I am."
 
 "Oh yeah.  Normally I'm a coffee drinker, but sometimes, a cup of tea is exactly what 
I want.  Well not exactly.  A vodka and tonic would be. . .never mind."
 
 "I've never seen you drink," Harriet realized suddenly.  "All the wetting downs, 
Christmas parties and all.  You've never."
 
 "I'm an alcoholic," Mac replied.  "Been sober for a long time now, with one exception.  
No I don't drink."
 
 "Wow.  Oh my god," Harriet gasped.  "I'm sorry."
 
 "Hey no don't be," she smiled.  "Sorry for what?"
 
 "For making you confess that I guess," she frowned.
 
 "Well it's not something I tell everyone, but it's not a deep dark secret either.  On 
the other hand I don't want it in my jacket for obvious reasons so I don't advertise 
it.  As long as I don't need formal treatment or counseling it won't be though."
 
 "Does the Commander know?"
 
 "Of course."  She blushed slightly as she replied.
 
 "You and him don't have a lot of secrets I'll bet," Harriet smiled slyly.  "You want to 
tell me if you ever. . ."
 
 "Harriet Sims Roberts," Mac gasped, pretending to look shocked.
 
 "Ma'am I'm sorry, that was way out of line," she gasped before she realized Mac was 
playing with her.
 
 "No."
 
 "Not ever?  All the traveling you two have done, you've never been tempted?"
 
 "Now I didn't say that," she laughed teasingly.  "No honest.  We've just never seen 
each other as a one nighter I guess.  Though I suspect most people think we have."
 
 "Well you know how much he cares for you don't you?  I mean you could call it love 
couldn't you?"
 
 "Oh sure, when I'm doing my wildest fantasies." Mac blushed and shook her head.  
"Sometimes that whole matter seems so simple, and then other times it's like no, it's 
not ever going to be."
 
 "Yes it will," Harriet said firmly.  "The two of you have something very special.  You 
just need to both relax and let it happen.  Unfortunately what's happened now is that 
you're wrapped around the axle with me and Bud and I hate that."
 
 "I think we can figure it out," Mac smiled and patted her hand.  "At least in my 
fantasies we can."
 
 "I hope that wasn't some wild fantasy you were nightmaring over."
 
 Mac sobered at once.  "No I'm afraid not.  That nightmare is all too reality based."
 
 "I'm sorry, you didn't want to talk about it."
 
 "Really I don't.  It's just way too close."
 =============
 HARM's APARTMENT
 8AM
 
 Harm awoke slowly, hearing movement and shaking his head to rid himself of the 
image of Jennifer Coates.  "Bud what's going on?"
 
 "Sir I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to wake you.  I'm going out to Arlington."
 
 Harm looked at him in disbelief for a few seconds.  "I was hoping you were going to 
say you were going to Rosslyn."
 
 "No sir.  I want to go to the grave."
 
 "And how did you plan to get there?  It's like ten miles you know."
 
 "I figured I'd hoof it to Union Station and get the Metro," he shrugged.  
 
 "Yeah well that same Metro runs through Rosslyn," Harm reminded him.
 
 "Sir please.  Please can you not push?"
 
 "No promises Bud.  None.  I care too much for you and Harriet and my godson to 
just let you throw it all away."
 
 "And I appreciate that.  I just can't deal with any of that right now."
 
 Harm nodded.  "OK come on I'll drive you and we'll get some coffee to take with."
  
An hour later he stood slightly back from the gravesite as Bud knelt down, 
 his sobs echoing through the quiet of Arlington.
 
 "Jen why did you have to die?" Bud wailed as he sank to the ground. "I miss 
 you so much. "
 
 From his spot Harm let out a long sigh. There was more to Bud's relationship 
 with Jen then he was letting on. Much much more.
 
 "We were in love sir"
 
 Harm whirled around at the soft voice of Jennifer Coates. He wasn't 
 surprised when he saw there was no one there. But he'd heard her voice. So 
 clear it was almost as if she was standing next to him.
 
 "Sir, tell him it's okay. Tell I'm not hurting anymore."
 
 He turned around again, a chill creeping down his back at the sound of her 
 voice again. There was no one there and he let out a long sigh.
 
 "No I am not hearing her voice," he said to himself. "It's just the stress."
 
 "Sir, please. You have to help Bud. You have to get him through this. He 
 needs to go on with his life."
 
 "Jen why are you doing this to me" he groaned as he walked away from the 
 gravesite, not wanting Bud to hear him talking to himself.
 
 "Because you can help him sir. Like you helped me."
 
 He froze at the words. "I didn't help you" he whispered. "Because of me 
 you're dead. If I hadn't talked you into staying in the Navy you'd be alive. 
 You had your whole life ahead of you. And I took that away from you."
 
 He took a deep breath to keep the tears back and for a moment there was 
 silence. Then suddenly he felt a hand to his shoulder. He whirled around, 
 expecting to see Bud, but again he was alone.
 
 "You didn't take anything away from me" Jen's voice said softly. "The time I 
 was on the Seahawk was the best time of my life. I met Bud and fell in love. 
 It was wonderful sir. And I have that because of you."
 
 "Well you'd have your life if you hadn't listened to me" Harm sighed. "I'm 
 so sorry."
 
 "Don't be sir. I don't blame. That's why I'm talking to you. Because I want 
 you to know that. And I want you to help Bud."
 
 "I want to help him Jen. But he won't let me."
 
 "You can do it. You helped me I wasn't going to let you. You're a special 
 man Commander. I know you can do it."
 
 "I'll try" he whispered.
 
 There was silence again and when he looked over he saw Bud coming towards 
 him.
 
 "You ready?" Harm asked gently. "Maybe we could make a quick stop in 
 Rosslyn? I'm sure little AJ would like to see his father."
 
 "No sir" Bud shook his head. "I just want to go back to your place."
 
 He started towards the car and Harm looked back at the marker that bore the 
 name of PO Jennifer Coates one last time.
 
 "I'm trying Jen" he whispered before heading to the car.
 
 *****************
 JAG HQ's
 Two Days Later
 
 "This feels so weird" Bud sighed as he and Harm stepped off the elevator.
 
 "Bud you're back where you belong" Harm smiled. "Back at JAG where you 
 should be."
 
 "It just doesn't seem right now."
 
 "Hello Bud" Harriet said quietly as she and Mac walked into the bullpen.
 
 "Harriet" he nodded. "How are you?"
 
 "I'm fine considering. I thought maybe you would stop by and see little AJ 
 one of these nights. He's asking about you."
 
 "I'll see what I can do," Bud said before heading to his office.
 
 "Excuse me" Harriet sniffled before turning and heading towards the ladies 
 room.
 
 "Welcome to my nightmare" Harm sighed as he looked at Mac. "And speaking of 
 nightmares, are you sleeping at night or what?" It was obvious from the dark 
 circles that stood out from her pale face that she wasn't sleeping and she 
 gave him a long sigh.
 
 "Well it's hard when you're sleeping on someone's sofa because her husband is 
 elsewhere."
 
 "I didn't know you were staying with Harriet and why are you staying with 
 her?"
 
 "Why is Bud staying with you?" she retorted.
 
 "Okay time out. We haven't seen each other for two days and I don't want to 
 start fighting because of this mess we're in. Can we start over please?"
 
 "Good Morning Harm" she said quietly. "How are you?"
 
 "I've been better" he sighed. "How are you?"
 
 "I'm here. And hating this whole situation more and more every day. This is 
 wrong Harm. They shouldn't be apart like this."
 
 "No they shouldn't. But until Bud gets passed this, they have to be. Right 
 now he's still pining for his lost love."
 
"She's not lost," Mac sputtered.  "For crying out loud she's. . ."  She paused as 
realization dawned.  "She's buried in Arlington isn't she?" she asked in a barely 
audible whisper.

"Bingo.  But the thing is, that doesn't mean he loves Harriet any less.  This is just one 
of those things.  Jen was there, Harriet was not, it's pretty basic."

"It's also pretty stupid," she hissed.  "If they split it's going to be the biggest mistake 
of their young lives, and destroy our godchildren in the process."

"Huh?  Godchildren?  She got AJ's twin locked n a closet or what?" he demanded.

For a quick second she had that deer in headlights look as she realized what she had 
almost given away.  "AJ doofus.  Just AJ OK?  He deserves what he had before Bud left-
-two parents who love and adore him."

"I'm not disagreeing, but I can't tie the man up and deliver him to Rosslyn," he 
sighed.  "Nor am I going to put him on the street.  As for you, you need to get back 
to your place.  You are obviously not getting enough rest there."

"Harriet told me that this morning," she sighed.  "I guess I should go home.  It's not 
like I can't be across the river in ten minutes."

"Good.  Listen you, you are important to me and I don't like the idea that you're not 
taking care of yourself."  His hand gave her arm a quick squeeze before he went on to 
his office.

It was an awkward gathering in the breakroom for lunch that day.  Harm and Mac at 
one end of the table with Bud, Harriet at the other, speaking only occasionally and 
always about some family business.  AJ sat in the center, attempting to read his 
newspaper and finally made his escape as soon as he was finished, calling over his 
shoulder, "Mr. Rabb my office 1400.  Just you."

"Now what the hell is that about," he mumbled, unable to resist a glare at Bud.

"Sir I hope you're not. . ."

"No it's OK whatever it is.  Likely something routine."

It was not, and the fact that Clayton Webb was sitting there when he reported was 
ample evidence.

"What d'ya come in through the window?" he growled as he sat in response to AJ's 
direction.  "What's up and already I don't like it."

"Well I don't like it at all and I'm sure you'll like it a lot less when you hear about it," 
AJ sighed.  "You're going to need to go back to Afghanistan." 
  
  "You're joking right?" Harm demanded.
  
  "Mr. Webb has pulled some strings and you're working for him again" AJ 
  replied.
  
  "Webb come on," Harm said as he looked at the agent. "Isn't there someone 
  else besides me you could use?"
  
  "I'm sure there is" Clay smiled. "But I like having someone I know and trust 
  with me. It won't be for long. I promise."
  
  "Do I get to know what this is all about?"
  
  "Need to know right now. I'll fill you in when we're up in the air. Which 
  will be in a few hours. I hope you didn't get too unpacked."
  
  "Of course not" Harm growled. "Who had time?"
  
  "Look I'm sorry about the timing of this. I know you just got back and so 
  did I but there's one last detail we need to take care of."
  
  "Fine. When do we leave?"
  
  "Andrews at 8. Enough time for you to pack and have dinner."
  
  "Thanks Clay" Harm sighed. "You'll owe me for this one."
  
  "Add it to my tab" Clay smiled. "I'll see you at Andrews."
  
  It was a sullen Harm that returned to his office following the meeting and 
  to his surprise Mac was waiting for him inside.
  
  "From the look on your face it's not good news" she said quietly. "And did I 
  not just see Clayton Webb leave."
  
  "No it's not and yes you did. Webb has somehow arranged for me to work with 
  him again. I'm going to Afghanistan tonight."
  
  "NO" she shouted with such a vengeance that she surprised even herself.  
  "You can't."
  
  "Well that was my thought too," Harm said with a small smile. "However I 
  don't have any choice in the matter."
  
  "Why does Webb need you to go  to Afghanistan with him?"
  
  "That's the even better part. He'll let me know what this is all about on 
  the way over there."
  
  "So you don't even know where you're going or what you'll be doing?"
  
  "No. Typical Webb."
  
  "I wish you weren't going" she whispered.
  
  "Me too" he sighed. "I saw enough of that place while we were there. I just 
  hope we're not going to be traveling around the desert again."
  
  As he spoke her mind immediately conjured up the image of him and the land 
  mine from her nightmares and she closed her eyes to block out the image. She 
  barely managed to suppress a shudder and it wasn't until she felt his gaze 
  upon her that she finally opened her eyes.
  
  "Mac you okay?" he asked.
  
  "Yeah I'm fine," she said quickly.
  
  "You sure. You don't look okay. You're pale and you look like you're about 
  to pass out or something." As he spoke he made his way over to her, gently 
  kneeling in front of her. "Hey, what's wrong?"
  
  "Nothing. I'm fine. Honest."
  
  "Hey I'm worried about you," he said softly. "I know that this has been hard 
  on you too. I just want to make sure you're okay."
  
  "I am" she nodded. "Really. So what time are you leaving?"
  
  "I have to be at Andrews at 8. Which still leaves me time for dinner. Can I 
  convince you to join me? It's not like we've had much time for us since we 
  got back and who knows how long I'll be gone. All Webb said is it wouldn't 
  be long."
  
  "Sure" she said quietly.
  
  "Unless of course you'd rather not" he said as he stood up. "Because you 
  really didn't sound like you wanted to. I was just hoping for a little time 
  alone with you before I have to go."
  
  "No I would like to have dinner with you" she said softly. "It might be the 
  last time I see you for a while."
  
  "I hope not. I can't help Bud get his life straightened out if I'm over 
  there. And I don't want to leave you with both of them to deal with."
  
  "I'll manage. I just hope you're not gone too long either. Bud seems to 
  listen to you more than he listens to me."
  
  "Not really" Harm sighed.
  
  Before she could reply Bud walked into Harm's office.
  
  "Excuse me sir, ma'am. I hope I'm not interrupting. I just wanted to see if 
  either of you had some time to go over something with me."
  
  "Sure Bud" Mac said as she stood up. "Seeing as how your room mate is going 
  away."
  
  "Where to sir?" Bud asked.
   
  "I'd tell you it was a deserted island in the South Pacific but I'd be lying," Harm 
sighed.  "I'm making another trip to that desert paradise from whence we just came."
 
 Bud at once turned pale and grabbed the back of the nearest chair.  "I'm sorry sir.  
And I'm not. . .my presence is not. . ."
 
 "No Bud, just me.  Not even the Colonel is joining the party." 
 
 "You must be relieved ma'am."
 
 "No actually I'd feel a lot better if I was going to keep this guy out of trouble," she 
sighed with a wry smile.  "Bud you should know that I'm going back to sleeping at my 
place starting tonight.  And with Harm gone, well this would be a real good chance 
for you to go back to the apartment."
 
 "I uh. . .I'm not sure I'm ready."  He turned to Harm, panic across his face.
 
 "Bud when you're ready," Harm told him, feeling Mac's glare of disapproval but not 
backing down.  "And I'm out of here so I can get ready.  Mac I'll be at your place at 
1700.  Let's do it casual and take a walk after OK?"
 
 "Yeah that's fine," she sighed and forced a smile to her face.  "In fact that's great.  
See you then."
 
 When Harm had gone Bud cleared his throat.  "Ma'am I know you don't approve and 
I'm sorry.  Believe it or not, I'm doing what I think is right for me, and ultimately for 
my wife and son."
 
 "Bud I'm not going to say any more.  Right now I'm dealing with the Commander's 
leaving and that's all I can handle.  Now let's get to your case problem."
 ================
 ROCK CREEK PARK
 630PM
 
 "You get enough to eat there?"
 
 Mac groaned and pushed back her plate.  "Yes I did and this was perfect.  A picnic of 
all things.  Rabb you are amazing sometimes."
 
 "I have my moments," he grinned.  "Why don't we walk and then we still have time to 
come back here and watch the sun go behind the trees before I have to head out."
 
 "I was trying to put that out of my mind," she admitted as he pulled her up from the 
blanket to her feet.
 
 "I know, but it's going to be fine.  And you have the advantage of having been there.  
You know it's not that bad."
 
 "I know how bad it could get," she sighed, and when his arm went around her back 
she did hers likewise, hooking her finger in one of his belt loops as the started off 
down the trail.
 
 "Frankly I'm going to consider it a vacation after the battlezone around here," he 
laughed wryly.  "You going to be OK handling it?"
 
 "Well actually you know what--now that I'm--as of tonight--sleeping back at my place, 
I'm taking a step back.  All marriages hit rough spots, and no reason theirs should be 
an exception."
 
 "Well I'm not sure seeing someone you love blown apart in front of you, added to 
the guilt you feel for having the feelings in the first place, is mild enough to be a 
called just a rough spot," he pointed out.
 
 "OK I'll give you that this is extreme," she sighed, stopping to lean her back against a 
tree.  "But what I'd really like is that if tonight was just for us.  Maybe?  OK?"
 
 He leaned over her, resting his hands at the sides of her head.  "Yeah I think we can 
do that," he nodded, and while his courage was strong, he leaned forward just 
enough to brush his lips against hers.
 
 She drew her breath in sharply in surprise that lasted only a moment as it was 
replaced by pleasure and then a devilish smile.  "Is that your best Flyboy?"
    
 "Let me try again then" he smiled before his lips found hers again.
 
 "Much better" she whispered when they parted.
 
 "You know this is what we should have been worrying about the last few days" 
 Harm sighed. "Us. I know I'm being selfish again but we have not had a 
 minute for us since we got back."
 
 "I know" she said softly. "And I'm not going to start again but they're not 
 going to resolve anything by Bud staying with you."
 
 "Point heard and understood. But in his present state of mind, being with 
 Harriet is not a good idea."
 
 "Well I'll see if I can't do a little more prodding while you're gone. A 
 little contact isn't going to hurt them."
 
 "Can we try that contact again?" he smiled. "And remember this is supposed 
 to be our time."
 
 "Of course" she said softly before their lips met again.
 
 "When I get back" he said softly when they parted. "I want to work on us. I 
 know we have duties to our friends but I don't want to lose us."
 
 "We won't."
 
 They continued to walk for a bit before the appointed time arrived.  A 
 somber Marine dropped her sailor at Andrews, doing her best to hide from 
 Harm how much she hated that he was leaving.
 
 "Thanks for the lift" he said softly.
 
 "Thanks for dinner" she whispered.
 
 "There's more of that where that came from" he smiled. "Don't forget that. 
 We have a lot left to explore Marine. And when I come back I hope we can do 
 some of that."
 
 She nodded and he leaned over the seat to leave a quick kiss. "I'll see you 
 soon" he said softly.
 
 "Harm please be careful" she whispered as she reached for his hand, 
 clutching it to her.
 
 "Aren't I always. I'll be fine. Please don't worry. And I'd better go before 
 this gets any harder."
 
 With that he hurried from the car and she felt the tears pool as she watched 
 him walk away. The feeling of dread was overwhelming her and she had to 
 force herself to remain in the car and not run after him and make him stay.
 
 "He'll be fine" she said to herself over and over as he disappeared out of 
 sight. "He'll be fine." 
 ************

 "Okay Webb so what's the deal?" Harm asked once they were airborne. "What 
 are you dragging me back to that godforsaken country for this time?"
 
 "You didn't enjoy your last visit?" Clay teased.
 
 "Considering a young woman I happened to know and care about lost her life 
 no" Harm retorted.
 
 "I'm sorry" Clay said automatically. "I didn't realize that you were that 
 close to her. How did you know her?"
 
 "I helped her out at Christmas" Harm sighed. "She'd gotten in some trouble 
 and instead of keeping her locked up in the brig over the holidays, she 
 stayed with me. Well actually with Mac at night and me during the day. Short 
 story is I'm the jerk who talked her into staying in the Navy when she 
 wanted to leave."
 
 "Jerk? From what I heard she was happy to be in the Navy."
 
 "Only because I talked her into it."
 
 "Sounds like a little bit of guilt there" Clay said quietly. "Anything you 
 want to talk about. We've got plenty of time."
 
 "I'd rather talk about why we're going back there" Harm sighed.
 
 "Your old friend Gunny has gotten some more information about two of Kabir's 
 top advisors. Seems they may be plotting another attack even though their 
 fearless leader is dead."
 
 "And you need me along why?" Harm asked.
 
 "Because you know the set up and the lay of the land for one thing," Clay replied 
easily.  "For another I plan to arrest this new guy and remove him and I don't want 
there to be one iota of question that what I'm doing is legal.  This whole Kabir thing-
-and the followup--got dumped onto me.  Between you and Gunny---well let's just say 
I think you can make me look good."

"Terrific," he groaned, sinking back into the seat.  "I love been indispensable."

"I'd say your heart and mind want to be elsewhere," Clay observed.

"Lets just say there's stuff at home that's urgent," Harm sighed.  "Jennifer Coates's 
death sent a whole range of stuff into motion."

"With you and the Colonel?"

"Yeah that's part of it," he nodded.  "You may as well know we're--her and me--trying 
to find our way to each other; and these interruptions are. . .well just that.  
Interruptions.  And please don't give me any lecture about duty calling.  I know all 
about it and that's why I'm here, but part of me is fighting it.  Don't worry, you 
know once the mission starts you'll get one hundred ten percent from me."

"Why do you think I requested you," Clay said with a soft smile.  "Why don't you try 
to sleep.  It may be the last you'll have for a while."
==============

ROSSLYN
Midnight

Carefully so as not to disturb, Bud let himself into the apartment.  It had been a 
hard decision, and he was finally swayed by the knowledge that his wife and son were 
alone in this apartment.  Taking off his shoes first, he padded his way to AJ's room.  
By the light of his new Spiderman nightlight, he could see his son sleeping, his arm 
wrapped around the scraggly rabbit, a gift from his godparents on the day he was 
born.  His other hand held the edge of his blanket, the satin edging clutched between 
his fingers and this thumb still upright, having only recently fallen from his mouth 
in sleep.  "I love you son," he whispered, walking as close as he dared.  "And I'll always 
be your Daddy."

Outside the door of the room and the bed he shared with Harriet, he could make out 
her outline.  She was asleep on her side, her back to the door, and her arm was 
outstretched over what used to be his pillow.  There was a definite tug on the strings 
of his heart when he saw her, a tug that was replaced almost at once by the pain of 
what he had lost as Jen's face swam before him and he wiped away an immediate hot 
tear.

Finally he sank into the reclining chair by the TV.  His chair.  Bought by Harriet for 
his first Father's Day.  He and his son had spent many an hour there watching 
cartoons.  A small smile came over his face remembering that.  Big Bud had been a 
cold and distant and mostly gone father.  He would not do that to his son.  As for 
Harriet, that might be another matter.  His eyes quickly closed.  He was home, and 
yet he was not.
===============

GEORGETOWN
3AM

Her shriek mingled with the explosion that always concluded the dream.  The 
explosion accompanied by the sight of Harm's body flying through the air, blood 
mingling with the raining shrapnel.  As the noise of the blast died away, so did her 
scream and she grabbed onto a pillow, sinking her face deep into its softness.  A few 
deep breaths and she felt her heartrate begin to slow and she dropped the pillow, 
only to fix her eyes on her hands.  Blood.  They were covered with blood.  Harm's 
blood.  A player in the dream for the first time.  

With a sharp cry of alarm, she launched herself from the bed, stumbling to the 
bathroom sink and scrubbing her hands for all she was worth, ridding herself of the 
imagined red stain.  Finally, knowing sleep would not come to her again, she stripped 
off her soaked tank top and boxers and put on her running clothes.  That it was late 
and thus dangerous to be out did not occur to her.  That she had to be out of that 
apartment and in the fresh air where she could breathe was all she wanted.
 
  For the first few miles she pushed herself as hard as she could, wanting to 
  block out the images from her nightmare. But in her mind she could still see 
  his blood and with a strangled sob she stopped and leaned against a nearby 
  tree, trying to catch her breath as the sobs continued. How long she stayed 
  there she didn't know and when she finally moved her body felt like it was 
  numb. She made her way back to her apartment and headed to the shower. There 
was no point in sleeping.
  
  *********************
  JAG HQ's
  Two Days Later
  
  "Colonel are you living here?" AJ asked as he stuck his head in his office.
  
  "No sir" Mac sighed. "I've just been getting here early to stay on top of 
  everything while Harm is gone."
  
  "And staying late too. And from the looks of it not sleeping at all" AJ said 
  as he walked in and sat down. "Is something wrong?"
  
  "No sir."
  
  "Mac come on. I've known you long enough to know something is bothering you. 
  Does this have anything to do with your partner being with Webb in 
  Afghanistan?"
  
  "Sir do you know what they're doing there?" she asked quietly.
  
  "It was need to know basis and I was told I didn't need to know" AJ replied. 
  "You're worried about him aren't you?"
  
  "I was hoping I might have heard from him," she admitted. "And of course as 
  I say that I realize how silly it sounds."
  
  "Mac I'm sure he's fine. And once Bud gets back up to speed he'll be able to 
  help out a bit more."
  
  "That may not be for a while. His mind is still elsewhere."
  
  "Yeah I figured that" AJ sighed. "And he's not the only one in this office 
  whose mind is elsewhere. This whole thing has hit all of you pretty hard."
  
  "Yes sir it has" Mac said quietly.
  
  "Mac if you need to talk you know where my office is," AJ said as he stood 
  up. "I know what it's like to go through this. And if there's anything I can 
  do to help, please let me know."
  
  "Just let me know if you hear from Harm or Webb," she said softly.
  
  "I will but I honestly don't expect to. But you'll be the first to know if I 
  do."  
  ***********
 
 "Ma'am I hate to bother you" Bud said quietly as he stepped into Mac's 
  office just before lunch.
  
  "What is it Bud?" she asked as she looked up at him.
  
  "The Admiral asked me to prosecute the Delinsky case. But I don't think I 
  can."
  
  "Remind again what the Delinksy case is about" Mac sighed as she rubbed her 
  pounding forehead.
  
  "Petty Officer Melissa Delinksy. She went AWOL because she had been assigned 
  to duty aboard a destroyer in the battle group in the Arabian Sea."
  
  "So what's the problem Bud?"
  
  "I read her statement ma'am. She left because she was scared."
  
  "Bud we're all scared sometimes. But that doesn't mean you go AWOL."
  
  "I can't prosecute her ma'am."
  
  "Bud" Mac sighed.
  
  "Ma'am I feel the same way. If the Admiral were to tell me I had to go back 
  there again, I wouldn't. I'd leave the Navy."
  
  "Okay fine. I'll talk to the Admiral and I'm sure we can get Singer to 
  prosecute instead."
  
  "Thank you ma'am" Bud said quietly.
  
  "I'm letting you go this time because I know you're still upset about what 
  happened. But you're going to have to get past this Bud. It's not just 
  affecting your marriage, but your whole life. Your career, everything."
  
  "I'm trying ma'am. I am. But it's not easy."
  
  "I know" Mac sighed.
  
  "Ma'am is there any word from Commander Rabb" Bud asked.
  
  "No Bud. I'm sure whatever he and Webb are working on is keeping him busy."
  
  "Do you know what they were doing over there?"
  
  "No. Webb didn't even tell the Admiral."
  
  "I hope he's okay" Bud said quietly.
   
 "I'm sure he's fine," she replied with as much conviction as she could muster.
 
 "Ma'am with respect, no you're not.  You're concerned," he said softly.  "You care a 
lot about him like he does about you and if you both have a brain between you, you 
won't wait any longer to do something about it and oh my god I'm sorry.  I'm so far 
out of line it's not remotely funny.  Permission to go demote myself to Ensign."
 
 "At ease Lieutenant," Mac sighed.  "And you're right.  I'm not at all sure he's fine.  
I'm scared, and I hate feeling like that so lets drop that.  Can I ask you how you and 
Harriet are doing?  And remember you're not obligated to answer."
 
 "Yes ma'am.  Uh. . .well I sleep in my recliner if that's any clue ma'am," he flushed 
uncomfortably.  "We did agree that we'd make nice when AJ was around, and of 
course we have to work together.  But once he's gone to bed, so does she.  She goes 
and reads or watches TV in our bedroom and I bunk down in my big chair."
 
 "You've tried to talk things out?"
 
 Bud gave a short laugh.  "No ma'am not at all.  The most serious thing we've 
discussed was who was going out for milk yesterday."
 
 Mac's chin fell to her chest and she pressed her fingers to her temples which were 
pounding in unison.  "Dismissed Lieutenant."
 ==========
 The following afternoon Mac was passing nearby Tiner's desk to collect her 
distribution from her box when she heard Tiner call out to AJ who was just coming 
in.  "Admiral, Captain Johnson returned your call."
 
 "From the Seahawk," Mac gasped involuntarily.
 
 "Yes ma'am," Tiner nodded, looking confused and guilty for having spoke up.  
"Ma'am I didn't see you."
 
 "I do work here."
 
 "Yes ma'am."
 
 "Yes you do," AJ acknowledged, taking the paper from Tiner and studying it for a 
long moment.  "Mac come in to the office please."
 
 He had called her Mac in front of the staff.  That alone sent chills through her.  Mac.  
Not Colonel or Colonel Mackenzie.
 
 She forced her legs to move after him and once inside he closed the door and turned 
to her.
 
 "I was concerned enough about Mr. Rabb to inquire of Captain Johnson the status of 
their mission.  The Captain reports that Webb and Rabb have missed their last four 
radio check-ins."
 
 Her hand when to her mouth in alarm, preventing her from crying out and she 
grabbed the back of the nearest chair to steady herself.
 
 "Sit down Mac," he urged at once.
 
 She shook her head mutely in declination, swallowing hard to find her voice.  "Sir 
what are they doing about it?"
 
 "There is a patrol from the 101st in the area and they've been ordered to keep an 
eye out for them.  It may be something as simple as radio failure.  A fact which 
you're well aware of."
 
 "Oh sure and then there's the other possibility, that they met the same fate as 
Jennifer Coates and they're lying in the desert dead," she retorted bitterly.
  
  "Mac" AJ started.
  
  "No" Mac shouted. "Don't even tell me that's not a possibility because we 
  both know damn well that it is."
  
  "Mac sit" AJ ordered sharply.
  
  She did as ordered, the tears brimming already. Her nightmare was coming 
  true. She was going to lose him. Just like every other man she'd ever loved.
  
  "Mac we don't know what's happened" AJ said calmly. "And jumping to the 
  worst conclusion isn't going to help."
  
  "What am I supposed to think?" she whispered tearfully. "The other 
  alternatives aren't any better. Captured or killed by the enemy comes to 
  mind."
  
  "How about we stick to something simple like radio failure?"
  
  "Sir you can believe anything you want" she retorted. "But I know something 
  has happened to him."
  
  "Is this that sixth sense you have?" AJ said seriously.
  
  "I don't want to talk about it sir. But I know something has happened." In 
  her mind the images from her nightmare flashed again and she closed her eyes 
  to block it all out.
  
  "Well I don't. And until I get word that it has I'm going to remain on the 
  positive side."
  
  "You do that sir," she said quietly. "I know better. Permission to be 
  excused."
  
  AJ nodded and with a long sigh watched her walk out. He prayed that his 
  positiveness wasn't just denial on his part. His staff was barely able to 
  handle what had happened to Jennifer Coates. If anything had happened to 
  Harm, he wasn't sure what he was going to do.
  
  **************
  Thirty Six Hours Later
  
  It was a bleary eyed Colonel who stumbled into the JAG office. The waiting 
  for word on Harm was taking its toll. She couldn't sleep, the nightmare now 
  even more vivid. Instead she sat each night on the sofa, watching TV until 
  the late hours of the morning. When she did drift off, she would wake 
  screaming only minutes later, images of Harm stepping on the land mind 
  flashing vividly through her mind.
  
  "Mac this has to stop" AJ said quietly when he saw her in the break room a 
  few minutes later. "I'm ordering you home to rest and not come back to this 
  office until you're able to function."
  
  "You can order me but it won't happen" she said quietly. "Not until I know 
  what happened to him. Until they find his body."
  
  "Would you listen to yourself?" AJ gasped. "We have no reason to believe 
  he's dead."
  
  "And no reason to think otherwise either" she whispered.
  
  Before he could reply Tiner came running into the break room. "Sir I have 
  Captain Johnson on the line for you. It's about Commander Rabb."
  
  AJ hurried to his office, Mac slowly following after him, dreading what she 
  was going to hear. Her mind was preparing for the worst. Preparing to hear 
  that they'd found his body.
  
  "Captain give me some good news," AJ said as once he was connected. Mac held 
  her breath as AJ listened to Captain Johnson, praying she wasn't going to 
  hear those words but at the same time knowing that she might be.
  
  "Thank you Captain" AJ said with a long sigh. "So he'll be back at Andrews 
  tomorrow morning. I'll have the welcoming committee there."
  
  He hung up and turned to Mac with a smile. "He's okay Mac. I don't have all 
  the details but they ran into some trouble while they were on the mission. 
  But they're both back aboard the Seahawk and Captain Johnson has informed me 
  he's going to be fine."
  
  "He's alive?" she whispered.
  
  "Did you really have any doubts?"
  
  "Yes sir I did."
  
  "I would have thought by now you'd know your partner better than that" AJ 
  smiled. "Especially now that you two are starting to work on that 
  relationship."
 
 Despite her still raging fear, she blushed slightly.  "Yes sir, but there's been one 
roadblock after another and you don't need to be hearing about that.  Harm is really 
OK?"
 
 "He's really OK," AJ smiled in that fatherly way he had about him now and then.  
"Why don't I pick you up in the morning and take you to meet him.  We can do 
breakfast first if you like."
 
 "Sir I don't think I could eat, but picking me up would be great.  Thank you."
 
 "And then I'm returning you both to either his place or yours.  I want you to take 
the day and reacquaint yourselves so you come in the next day ready to work.  Deal?"
 
 "Yes sir thank you."  She paused and took a long breath.  "Sir you're sure he's OK?"
 
 "Mac yes.  The captain would not lie to me you know.  Not and live."
 
 She smiled softly at that.  "Yes sir, thank you.  I just can't shake the feeling. . ."
 
 "You also were sure he was dead," AJ chided her.  "Your feelings aren't operating with 
a full deck at the moment.  Relax Colonel.  Your Sailor will be back soon enough."  
 
 She nodded and when she stood up she swayed sharply, not steady enough to stay 
upright and she collapsed back in to the chair.
 
 "OK that's it," AJ said sharply.  "You stay right there."  He leaned over and touched a 
button on his phone. "Tiner get me someone who can drive the Colonel home."
 
 "Sir that's not necessary.  I'll be fine."
 
 "If you think I'm going to let you drive when you can hardly stand, and then 
tomorrow explain to six feet four, two hundred pounds of angry Sailor why I let you 
leave and get into an accident, you'd better think again.  You are relieved for forty-
eight hours Colonel, and when I see you again, you had better be in better shape.  
The kind of shape where I can get work out of you.  Are we clear?"
 
 "Crystal sir, crystal.  Thank you."
 =======================
 She heard the screaming first, even before the sound of the explosion rocked her 
world.  Screaming that was a combination of her own horror and his death scream.  
Screaming that awoke her from sleep that exhaustion had mandated.  While she 
realized AJ knew she had not been sleeping well, what he did not know was the 
reason.  How when she did finally fall asleep, having fought it off as long as she 
could, the nightmare of the land mine robbed her of any chance at rest.  
 
 She knew exactly what time it was, just a little after 2AM.  Two hours of sleep would 
have to do.  Time to run.
 ===========

 ANDREWS AIRFORCE BASE
 Following Morning
 
 "Colonel would you like to talk about how you don't look any more rested today 
than you did yesterday?" AJ asked her mildly while they waited on the tarmac.
 
 "With respect sir, no," she sighed.  "Except for the obvious answer that I am not 
sleeping well.  Can we leave it at that, especially if I promise to try to be improved by 
tomorrow after I spend the day with Harm."
 
 "Very well.  For now.  But you should know that I'm about a half inch away from 
ordering a fitness physical exam for you."
 
 "Yes sir.  And sir that's the plane."
 
 "Yes it is.  You're about to see that you were panicked over nothing."
 
 Several other service members and other personnel deplaned while she paced 
anxiously, until AJ called, "OK there's Clay and I'm guessing the taller guy behind him 
would be the Commander."
 
 "Oh thank god," she breathed, only to have her happiness shatter a moment later 
when she got a closer look.   Clay had hold of his arm for support, and his other arm 
was bound in sling, held tightly to his chest.
 
 "I didn't quite tell you the whole story Mac," AJ admitted, reading her face.  "He had 
a close call, but he's OK."
  
  "He looks anything but okay" Mac gasped before hurrying forward to meet him 
  and Clay.
  
  "And there's the welcoming committee" Clay smiled as Mac hurried to them.
  
  "Hi Marine" Harm said with a forced smile as he opened his one good arm to 
  her. She carefully wrapped her arm around him and for a moment just held 
  onto him.
  
  "What did you do to yourself this time sailor?" she managed finally as she 
  let go of him. "Trip over a knee knocker on the Seahawk?"
  
  "Not quite" Harm sighed. "It's a long story and I'm not sure I can tell it 
  standing up."
  
  "Okay let's get you to the car" she said as she wrapped her arm around his 
  waist to support him.
  
  "You need some help Mac?" Clay asked.
  
  "No I think I can manage" she assured him. "But next time you take my 
  partner somewhere try and return him in one piece please."
  
  "Sorry" Clay sighed. "I take the blame on this one."
  
  "Clay it wasn't your fault" Harm spoke up. "So don't even start."
  
  "Yeah well I should have been more careful. We knew the area was full of 
  mines" His voice trailed off at the look of horror on Mac's face as she 
  realized what had happened. "I guess they didn't tell you what happened did 
  they?"
  
  "No we didn't" AJ said as he reached the trio.
  
  "This is from a mine?" Mac whispered as she looked at Harm. He nodded and 
  for a moment she felt like she couldn't breathe. The nightmare that had 
  plagued her had come to fruition. Only by some grace of God he hadn't been 
  killed.
  
  "Mac are you okay?" Clay asked as he watched her. "Honest he's going to be 
  okay. He just took some shrapnel in the shoulder. He's going to be in a lot 
  of pain for a while but he's okay."
  
  Her answer was to unlatch her arm from Harm's waist before turning and 
  running. She had no idea where she was going she just knew she had to get 
  away.
  
  "Okay maybe we should have told her what happened" AJ sighed as he watched 
  her go. "I thought it would be better this way but I guess not."
  
  "Let me go after her" Harm said quietly.
  
  "Harm you can barely stand on your own two feet" Clay scoffed. "I don't 
  think that's going to happen."
  
  "Yes it is. She's upset and I need to talk to her. Now let go."
  
  With that he wrenched his good arm free from Clay and slowly made his way in 
  the direction she had gone.
  
  "One of us should go with him" Clay said quietly. "He's in no condition to 
  be moving around on his own."
  
  "I know. But he's right. He's the one who needs to talk to her. That's not 
  something you or I can do. He needs to reassure her that he's okay. As okay 
  as any of them are after what's happened."
  
  "I'm not sure he is okay AJ" Clay sighed.
  
  "Something you want to tell me about Webb?" AJ said quietly. "This has hit 
  all of them hard but I thought Harm was handling it better than the rest of 
  them."

End Chapter 1
Chapter 2 will follow