Title: Homecoming
Author:  Bioboy
E-mail: gabriel_bioboy@hotmail.com
Rating: R  (Due to harsh language)
Classification:  Well you tell me.  This thing got a life of its own 
during 
creation .  Romance and Angst to be on the safe side though.
Spoilers:  Everything up to now.  Some are more heavily used than 
others of 
course, but there's far too many for me actually list them all.
Summary:  This follows Harm's train of thought immediately after he 
finishes 
Bud's tour on the Sea Hawk.  This takes place three months after
Bud's accident or whenever the Sea Hawk would be coming home from its 
tour 
in the Arabian Sea.
Author's Note:  Bud's leg is gone; I knew this from the beginning.  
Anyone 
who thought it was just a dream should quit watching JAG now
and find yourself a nice daytime soap opera instead.  I began writing 
this 
early this summer, but have only recently finished it.  So it probably
won't mesh with the new episodes of season 8.  Oh yeah one more 
thing... 
Don't own the characters or JAG nor am I making any money off of
this, blah, blah, blah.


1815 ZULU
USS SEA HAWK
ONE MILE EAST OF NORFOLK, VIRGINIA

	This is what I sometimes miss about sea duty, the welcome you get when 
you 
come back home.  A carrier homecoming is
indescribable.  There's so many families waiting for their loved ones 
on 
board and during a time of war are more eager than ever to hold
them in their arms.  I can see the mob of people waiting for us and 
we're 
still about a mile out yet.  Its slow going with the gentle maneuvering
required to get this big ass boat there without slamming her into the 
pier.  
The ship's been a buzz of excitement all week since we left the Med
and steamed across the Atlantic.  Everyone's all too pleased to get 
home 
after what happened a few months ago.  I wish Bud could've
experienced this, he deserved to.  As much as I'm glad to be back home 
I'd 
be the first in line to go if the Captain for shits and giggles decided
to turn the carrier around and add two or three more months to the 
tour.  
Serving on a carrier in a time of war in any capacity is enough for me.
Apparently when you save a battle group from annihilation to you tend 
to get 
in the Admiralty's good graces because Chegwidden allowed me
take over for Bud as soon as I called him from Naples while we were 
watching 
over Bud.  Glad I beat Singer to the punch, bet she thought this
would be her big break.  Carrier Captains tend to be grateful as well, 
because I was given about three times as much flight time as I really 
could
have expected to get.

	"Commander"  I look over and see Lt. Commander Chaidez sliding up next 
to 
me on Vulture's Row.
"Commander", I reply nodding to him.  He and I have been getting to 
know 
each other pretty well.  He's a damn good stick too.
"You loved it, didn't you?"  He smirks at me.
"Which part of it?"  I'm toying with him and he knows it.
"All of it.  You loved every second of it out here and your going to 
start 
missing it the second you step off the carrier."
I just smile at first.  Its amazing how fast pilots can bond and begin 
to 
know what the other's thinking.  "Yeah I'll miss it.  Hell I'm still 
holding
out hope that the skipper'll turn us around and head right back to 
where the 
action is."  It's the answer I know he wants to hear and I mean most
of it.  Funny being split like this; half wanting to go back, the rest 
anticipating rejoining my regular life, much that it is.  The lack of 
action
certainly hasn't been the issue.  I mean how much more can a man 
realistically ask for?  I nearly ended up like Bud or worse with that 
land 
mine
if it weren't for Mac, was nearly bombed by a Hornet strike, chased 
after a 
radioactive truck between two rival tribes shooting the place
up, flown something like twenty sorties so I'll get another campaign 
medal 
for all this and to top it all off I nearly took a nuclear cruise 
missile up
the ass.

	"I hope not.  I mean love flying with you Hammer, but I got a girl I 
wanna 
get home to."
We both glance over at the crowds, "She there waiting for you on 
shore?"
Chaidez nods, "You got anyone?"  Anyone?  I think Sturgis is there, 
waiting 
to pick me up and take me back to my place.  I doubt anyone else
is there.
"Nope, my folks live in California and I'm not seeing anyone.  I think 
a 
friend might be out there for me in that mass of humanity."
"Damn, save the ship and everyone on it and there's no one but a lonely 
friend to welcome you back."  I don't even look at him, I just shake my
head and think about that.  I did save the ship, but no one else is 
here for 
me, at least that I know of.  I can't expect Harriet and Bud to be 
here.
It's unlikely that the Admiral would drive all the way down here.  Mac, 
well 
I'm sure she thinks I was running away when I told her I was
returning to the Seahawk.  Oh lets be honest, she was pissed about it.  
To 
her credit though, she did respond to one of my e-mails, which is a
huge improvement over the big, fat goose egg I got last time aboard the 
Henry.    I got a letter from mom and Frank.  I knew what it said 
before I
read it.  'Be careful, we're so proud of you, we love you.'  Well it's 
good 
to know somebody still does.
"He's not lonely, he's got a girl."  At least I think he has Bobbi, I 
don't 
really know what's happening on that front.  "Besides, I don't think 
too
many people really know what happened out there."
"Hey, I know, this ship knows and the Navy knows.  You were damn good 
up 
there.  Look I gotta go, but stop by the ready room and
say goodbye to the squadron before you leave alright?"  I nod accepting 
his 
praise and the invitation.  The whole tour was like this.  I was
getting thanked by everyone and their mother for it.  Chaidez looks 
around 
and then ducks through the hatch.  There's also a couple rumors
floating around that I'm up for a decoration of some kind.  I'd heard 
similar rumors about Sturgis too.  I'm not sure what to believe 
anymore,
especially when I've heard things like me and the Navy Cross being 
mentioned 
in the same breath.  Jesus, the Navy Cross.  I'd be lying if I said
I didn't want it.  I just don't want to get my hopes up, but who knows?  
The 
skipper would, but I'm sure as hell not going to press him about it.

	Well I'll admit that was a much better send off than the last time I 
did a 
tour on the Sea Hawk.  Hell, anything's better than last time.
Chaidez and the guys gave me a farewell toast and we all did a shot.  
Plus 
I've got a bunch of new Sea Hawk shirts and hats from the commissary.
My old Sea Hawk gear is old and getting kinda torn up and nasty.  I 
still 
have to clear out the few personal effects I have in the JAG office 
here.
"Oh of course it would roll all the way back into the corner", I 
mutter.  
Sturgis sent me one of those tension stress balls as a joke when I told 
him
about my computer that was programmed to hate me and an al-Qaeda member 
I 
wished I could've pummeled when he spit on me.
"I got it sir."  It's Petty Officer Coates and my head snaps up at the 
sound 
of her voice straining several muscles in the process.  I didn't hear 
her
come in.  She bends over and retrieves the ball from underneath the 
desk.  I 
can't resist peeking, a little bit anyway.  Hey, I'm not made of stone
and her six is the kind that demands attention.  I can just see Bud not 
looking at her at all the whole time he was here or maybe he looked all 
the
time.  I don't know how much leeway marriage or Harriet allows in the 
'Look, 
but don't touch' department.
"Here you are sir."  She's looking at you now, snap to sailor and get 
your 
head in the game!
"Thanks Jen."  I can't help it.  I know I gave Mac a weird look when I 
heard 
Bud call her that but it took less than a week for me to do the
same.
"No problem sir."

	I take the chair at my desk.  I wonder who might be sitting in here 
next, 
maybe Singer, most likely someone I don't know.  Well all
good things must come to an end sometime.  "So any idea as to what 
you'll be 
doing in between tours?"  Jen takes the other chair and smiles.
We really haven't sat down and talked a whole lot since Bud's accident.  
Maybe she's afraid to get too close to me, from what she's told me and
the mishap board she turned around just in time to see the explosion.  
It 
had to be hard on her.  It's still a taboo subject on the carrier.  Odd 
really,
of all the people aboard ship it's the JAG officer who's injured.
"I'm not sure sir.  I think the JAG office at Norfolk is where I'll end 
up 
for the time being."
"I could always ask around JAG headquarters if you want..."
"Thanks but no thanks sir, I don't want to dump my every nickel I'd 
earn 
just paying the rent there."  I laugh at that.  I suppose it would be
hard on her salary.  I can't even begin to imagine how much money I 
saved by 
fixing my place up.  I don't know how Mac manages especially
with her near wedding and the financial crimp that must have put on 
her.  Of 
course she doesn't have a pile of expensive toys like I do.  That car
cost me more than I care to admit and Sarah's no lightweight in that 
department either.  Mom'd freak if she knew what I spend on both of 
them.
I mean I like to spoil my babies rotten.

	"Sir how is Lieutenant Roberts?"  Oh here we go.  I figured eventually 
she'd ask.  She knows I've stayed in touch with Sturgis the
whole time.  God my heart broke for Harriet when it happened, A.J too, 
but 
at least he's not dead.  I could have lived with dad missing a leg all 
too
easily.
"I don't really know.  I mean I'm sure physically he's healing as well 
as 
can be expected, but I have no idea about the rest of him."
Jen nods accepting this news.  From what little I hear Bud's closing 
himself 
off.  Not that I blame him, I did the same thing when I left this 
carrier
unconscious.  We're just doing it for different reasons.  I'm going to 
have 
to talk to him, though I'm not sure what I'll say when I do.
"I was thinking about maybe visiting him."  That surprises me and more 
than 
I thought it should too.
"That'd be nice of you."  I'm not sure exactly what to say here.  Maybe 
it'll help him; then again maybe it'll just bring it all back to him 
and 
cause
him greater pain.  Still I can't find it in me to object to this.  Jen 
looks 
at her watch and stands up.  She's got this mischievous look in her 
eyes.
"Where are you going?"  I say smiling.
"Mess hall, that's where the bets for the anchor pool are being taken.  
The 
old habits are dying hard sir."  I laugh and she soon joins me.  I get
up as well and pull a dollar out of my wallet.
"Put me down for 1418 or as close as you can get to that time and try 
to 
refrain from yelling 'man over board.'"  Jen laughs and takes the 
dollar.
"I'm glad I got to work with you sir for the rest of the cruise and 
thanks 
for... well, everything."
I smile back at her, "Me too Jen and your welcome, now hurry before the 
best 
time slots are all taken."  She smiles in return and leaves me to
collecting my things once again.

	I watch as my roommate ducks out of the hatch of our quarters.  Nice 
guy, a 
Lieutenant who's the Cryptologist aboard ship.  I'm the
JAG here not another full time pilot so I get stuck with who I get 
stuck 
with.  He's always the first one off the ship.  We got a few days of 
liberty
in Italy two weeks ago and it was the same case.  That gets me thinking 
about Diane.  Not that I do that a lot, but here on this ship its hard 
not
to.  I wonder if Holbarth would have been in command here if he hadn't 
died. 
  I shake my head, no, that's enough of death for one day.  I still
have to pack my sea bag.  I turned in my weapon to the Master at Arms, 
checked in all my flight gear and a million other mundane details I had
to do before leaving.  Someone in the hallway announced that the anchor 
dropped at 1401.  Well what did I expect?  I haven't won one yet,
though this was one of the better guesses I've made.  I figure I've got 
a 
good hour before the crowds start breaking up on shore.  I spy several
folders in my room that need to be wrapped up and filed away in the JAG 
office here yet.  It'll be good to have my old office back.

	I waited an hour and half before I actually went topside and began 
walking 
down the gangway.  At least the new JAG will have a
clean, organized office waiting for them.  As my foot hits solid ground 
I do 
miss it, but I keep walking.  Sturgis is there waiting for me.  I'm 
about
twenty feet away when I call out to him.  "Hey Alec Baldwin, over 
here."  
His frown is worth it.  I laughed so hard when the Admiral told me
about it two months ago.  I've waited until now to call him that.
"I'm not going to live that one down am I?"
"Probably not."  I'm really going to make the most out of this too.  
It's 
such a cheesy line to just throw out there, 'I'm Alec Baldwin.'  And to 
say
it in the Pentagon War room to a couple of Admirals no less.
"Did you have to say goodbye to everyone on the ship first?  He asks 
before 
we shake hands.
"Not quite, but I could go back and make sure I get everyone if that'd 
make 
you feel better."
"Try it and you'll be walking home."  We both laugh as we make our way 
to 
the car.  "Hey what do you say we get lunch and a beer?  Pick up
where we left off in Italy."
"Sounds Great."  We hop in the car and drive off.  Sturgis and I were 
drinking and having a wild time in Italy.  And why not?  He played the
biggest role in sinking the Najvayi and I lead the cruise missile away 
from 
the carrier.  It turned into a macho man pep rally pretty quickly too;
me, Sturgis and everyone else at the bar were having a great time.  Mac 
wasn't there, her morbid death talks were really too much to handle.  I
thought explaining the cremation process would have gotten her to stop, 
but 
practically the second I climbed out my Tomcat she was there
telling me that she never thought about being chased by a nuclear 
missile 
and how that would have been a great way to go out.  I figured
something was wrong when Mac showed up at the bar to tell us about Bud.  
I 
mean we didn't exactly invite her along.

	"You got a what?!"  Sturgis and I are in a local bar with a couple of 
beers 
in our hands and he's telling me about his new car.
"A 1969 Porsche 911 Speedster.  Guard red too."  Somehow I can't 
picture 
Sturgis with a Porsche, I mean he had that antique beast of car of
his for... well it's seems like forever.  I thought he mentioned 
something 
about getting a Buick.
"What happened to the Buick?"
"I remembered how much you love your vette so I decided to go with a 
classic 
car too.  Why should you and Mac have all the fun?"
"How many miles?"
"A little over 12,000."
"How in the hell did you find one with that kind of miles on it?"
"I didn't find it, I built it.  The engine has 12,000 miles on it."  
Why am 
I not surprised?
"And you couldn't wait for me to get home so I could help."  I give him 
my 
best scowl that comes out as more of a smile than anything else.
"Well I do need a top."  Sturgis says with a sly grin.
"Done, call it a belated birthday gift old man."  I slap him on the 
back.
"Hey I'm only three months older than you."  The bartender sets down 
Sturgis' burger and my shrimp basket.  There's a massive plate of fries
and onion rings for us to share.  Hey I just spent three months at sea 
eating whatever the officer's mess considers to be food, I need a 
break.
Besides I'm not always the health food freak Mac thinks I am.  Sturgis 
knows 
me better than that.

	"How's Bud doing?" I ask dipping one of the deep fried shrimp through 
the 
ketchup and popping it in my mouth.  I hate shrimp sauce.
Strugis looks at me and from his expression I'm not sure I should have 
asked.
"Okay I guess.  They kept him at Bethesda for about a month."  I knew 
that, 
but I want him to continue uninterrupted.  "He came home and
began his rehab.  Everything healed up nicely."  This isn't the answer 
I'm 
looking for.
"No I mean how's Bud doing?"  I'm hoping the look in my eyes will tell 
him 
to give it to me straight.
"He's getting worse Harm.  Everyone's tried pulling him out of this, 
but he 
won't budge.  I think Harriet's really looking forward to seeing you
again.  I think you're her last hope of ever getting him back.  He 
won't go 
and see a professional."  This is what I was afraid might happen and I
don't know how I feel about being anyone's last hope.  It's also times 
like 
this that I wish I was still with Jordan or that she was even alive for
that matter.  She would've been able to help me out of this.
"Is he getting out of the Navy?"
"Well technically he's still on sick leave.  Then he's got his 
accumulated 
leave coming, then there's always terminal... no, I don't think he's
going to stay."
"Did your dad try talking to him?
"Yeah, so did I.  Mac and the Admiral tried too of course, but both of 
them 
came off sounding more like pissed off drill instructors than caring
friends when he didn't respond the way they wanted him to.  Bud just 
'Yes 
sir', 'No sir', 'Yes ma'am', No ma'amed' his way through both of them."

	I'm not sure what to make of all that.  I suppose a Marine and a SEAL 
can 
and would be overbearing.  "What about Mikey and Bud's
dad?"
"Hard to say.  Mikey doesn't seem to know how to deal with this and 
their 
dad is glorifying the wound like its some kind of badge of honor."
That doesn't surprise me in the least.  "He would do something that 
stupid.  
He's never seen combat so what the hell would he know about it?"
Sturgis only nods his head as he takes another bite out of his burger.  
"What about Harriet?"
"She doesn't talk about it at work, when she's been at work anyway and 
none 
of us know exactly how to approach her about it either.  I mean
what are you supposed to say that's going to make it all right?  For 
some 
reason I think she needs you as much as Bud does."  I'm not sure how
Sturgis, Mac or even the Admiral all feel about that.  Harriet wanting 
me I 
mean.  We've developed an interesting relationship over the past few
years.  Sometimes I feel closer to her than I do Bud.  We talk to each 
other 
when we can't talk to anyone else; we're there for each other.
Most recently it's been Jordan's death and her new house.  I lied when 
I 
told Mac I talked about Jordan with Renee.  It was Harriet, not Renee I
was talking to.  Honestly how do you talk about your dead ex girlfriend 
with 
your current one?  Sometimes when I look back, I think I told Mac
that I talked about it with Renee to make her jealous.  Maybe then 
she'd 
feel a little bit of what I felt about her and Brumby.  God that's sad.
Harriet was a big help though, she always is.  The house was nothing 
despite 
her holding out on Bud like she did.  I can only hope I can help her
through this.  Unfortunately we like to do this sort of thing face to 
face.  
We like to have someone to hold on to.  I couldn't just phone it in 
from
the Sea Hawk.
"Sounds like there's a lot of pressure on me already to make this work 
out."
"Yeah there is."  I let out a small sigh that I hope Sturgis didn't 
catch 
since he's currently draining his beer and ordering another.  I wish 
he'd
just lied to me, telling me to do my best with the situation.  My 
homecoming 
at JAG should be interesting.  I was expecting everyone to be proud
of what I'd just come back from.  Now it sound's like they're waiting 
for me 
to come home just so they can shove me out the door again and hope
I can come up with a battle plan to help save Bud and Harriet.

1834 ZULU
COMMANDER RABB'S APARTMENT
NORTH OF UNION STATION, VIRGINIA

	As soon as I shut my door I toss my sea bag to the floor and sink into 
my 
couch.  What a day.  Looking over my apartment I can see
the mountain of mail that's accumulated on my kitchen countertop 
courtesy of 
Sturgis.  A glance at my answering machine reveals a number
that had better be the combined weight of the mail build up.  The 
Admiral's 
given me the next two days off so I don't have to report into JAG
until Friday.  Knowing that I'm probably not going to even touch the 
mail 
until morning.  The messages are going to have to wait too.  Right now
there's only one woman's voice I want to hear.

	"Grandma!  It's Harm."
"Harmon Rabb Jr.  Do you realize how long it's been since you called or 
visited me for that matter?"  Her scolding tone is like that of any 
mother.
"Well we'll have to remedy that won't we?  I've got the next two days 
off, 
think you can find a place in your house and barn for your favorite
grandson and his plane?"  Grandma laughs at that, I love her laugh.  It 
sounds kinda like a dancing brook.  Dancing brook?  Where do I come up
with words like that?
"Of course dear.  When will you be coming up?"
"Well I have a few things to take care of here first, but its nothing 
important.  I should be there by 1300 uh, I mean..."
"I know what 1300 means Harmon, I am a military wife, mother and 
grandmother 
you know."  I know that, God do I ever know that.   "We'll have
a late lunch when you get here."
"That sounds great."
"Are you bringing anyone up with you?"
"Grandma!"
"Oh come on.  What about that nice Marine Colonel I keep hearing 
about."
"We're just friends Grandma."
"Suit yourself dear, but I want to meet her someday."
"We'll see.  I'll see you tomorrow Grandma.  I love you."
"I love you too.  Bye."
"Bye."  I haven't brought anyone up to meet Grandma since Diane.  She 
just 
showed up with Keeter and Luke Pendry after my crash.
Afterwards when we starting dating I brought her up there three more 
times.  
Grandma probably assumes that she was my last serious
relationship.  I guess in a way she's right.  Diane's the only one I 
ever 
saw myself marrying.  Jordan maybe, but certainly not Anne or Renee
which in hindsight sounds like a terrible thing to do to someone.

	"Whoa!"  It smells like something died in the frig.  Of course I 
thought I 
was going to be gone for maybe a week not more than three
months.  I'm going to have to go shopping, but not tonight.  Tonight 
I'm 
just going to order a pizza.  Sitting down I dial and order the pizza
before flipping through my mail.  Nearly half of all this is junk mail 
so 
that makes it easier to sort.  Bills, bills, bills... INS?  Sergei, I 
totally forgot
all about him.  After I told him mom was having a hard time letting go 
of 
dad's letters we haven't been speaking.  And with me being half way
around the world, Sergei got pushed to the far back burner and 
eventually 
off the stove entirely.  I scan the letter and it's not good.  It's a
verification form that he's been deported out of the country and sent 
back 
to Russia.  I sigh again; sea duty may be great for the career, but its
hell on the personal life back home.  Maybe I can call if the INS knows 
where he is or if he's left a message.  What disappoints me most is 
that I
didn't get to at least say goodbye.  Regardless, I'm still not going to 
listen to any of the messages.  Before I finish my pizza I've got all 
the 
bills
paid for and the paychecks ready to go to the bank in the morning.  I 
should 
really consider that direct deposit.  It's 2100 and I'm beat.  I'll 
pack
my bag tomorrow, right now I just want to grab a shower and fall 
asleep.

1345 ZULU
LEESBERG AIRFIELD
LEESBERG, VIRGINIA

	I can see an old F4F Wildcat rolling out of the hanger as I pull up in 
my 
vette.  I know the guy who owns it.  His plane's parked right
next to mine in the hanger.  He took me up once, gave me a real feel 
for how 
Grandpa must have felt flying off the Hornet.  As little as I remember
about Vietnam, I can't fathom what it must have been like for Grandpa, 
flying a fighter when the whole world was at war.  Parking the car I 
wave
to him as he taxis out onto the runway and I watch until he's barreling 
down 
the runway and climbing into the sky.  Smiling I grab my bag
and head into the hanger.  Pops is there and after some brief 
pleasantries I 
file my flight path with him and sign out my plane.

	"Hi, you've reached Commander Sturgis Turner.  I'm not at home right 
now, 
but if you'll leave your name and number I'll get back to
you as soon as possible.  Thank you."  The preflight check was a breeze 
and 
I'm sitting in the cockpit listening to this.
"Sturgis, its Harm.  Look I'm heading out to my Grandmother's for a 
while.  
I should be back around 1900 tomorrow.  Anyway, just so you know
all right?  See ya later buddy."  I stuff the phone in my jacket and 
pull on 
my hat and glasses.  He should be driving to JAG right about now.  I
could've called him earlier, but I don't want to even chance getting 
stuck 
here.  Hearing the throaty growl of Sarah's engine always gives me
goose bumps and this is no exception.  Even better is racing down the 
runway 
before pulling hard on the stick.  Performing a few barrel rolls for
the fun of it I settle in on a course to Bellsville.

1950 ZULU, THE NEXT DAY
SARAH RABB RESIDENCE
BELLSVILLE, PENNSYLVANIA

	Shutting the front door with my bags in hand I walk out onto the 
porch.  
Grandma's there waiting for me.  I shift both bags in my left
hand so I can hold hers on the way to the plane.  Its not that I'm 
afraid 
she'll fall or anything.  I just need to hang on to her; I think we 
both 
need
it.  I love it here, pity I don't get up here nearly as often as I'd 
like.  
Did a little fishing in the stream that cuts through our land, made 
some 
small
repairs on the house so she won't have to call someone else in to do it 
for 
her.  Of course she stuffed me silly and I certainly don't mind that at
all.  One of the two bags I'm carrying is loaded with her brownies, 
fudge 
and cookies.  Mac'd love it here with a constant supply of junk food at
her disposal.  We drag out this walk as long as we can.  I told her all 
about what happened over there.  About Mac, me and that mine.  About
the missile and especially about Bud.  I suppose its one of the reasons 
I 
came up here.  Grandma's usually a good source of knowledgeable
advise, but not this time.  She couldn't tell me anything I didn't know 
already.  Doesn't matter, love of my family brought me up here not
some desperate search for answers before I have to face Bud and 
Harriet.

	"Harmon?"
"Yes Grandma?"
"What's wrong?"  I've just realized I walked all the way to the plane 
with 
my head down and shoulder slumped.  Trust in her to ask about it.
"I don't know Grandma.  I guess it's about Bud and how everyone's 
hoping I 
can help him overcome this.  That and the fact that it could have
been me missing a leg or much worse."
"Hey, you can only help them so much.  The real work has to be done by 
Bud.  
He has to want to overcome this.  No one can force him to.
And I know you won't fault me when I say I'm glad it wasn't you.  I'm 
so 
proud of you Harmon.  Just like your daddy."  So much for the lack of
good advise.  This is why I love coming up here, the love she offers 
and the 
pride she takes in me, "Thank you Grandma."  I drop the bags to
sweep her up in a big hug and a kiss on her cheek.  "I'm not even off 
the 
ground yet and I miss you already."
Grandma smiles at that, "Well you know your way back, what's stopping 
you?"  
She's right.  I've probably got more days leaving coming than I
can possibly imagine.  That's why I left immediately.  The Admiral gave 
me 
these two days off; they didn't come out of my leave time so I wanted
to get out of town as fast as possible before he could change his mind.
"I'll try to visit more often Grandma."  I really have to.  I mean, as 
much 
as I don't want to admit it, Grandma is getting old.  I should be 
taking
advantage of the time we have left together.  Of course at the rate I'm 
going, she'll out live me too.
"See that you do.  You've got everything right?"
"Yes ma'am, enough chocolate and sugar to kill a team of horses."  I 
tease, 
smiling at her.  I wouldn't dare call it junk food to her face.  
Grandma
doesn't make junk food, just good food that's bad for you.
"You make sure you share with all the nice little children you play 
with."  
Grandma always could dish it out as well as anyone I know.
"I will Grandma."  I hop up on the plane and secure both bags in the 
back 
seat.  Looking down at her I can see the hint of sadness in her face
that's always there whenever I leave.  I scramble down off the plane 
and 
pull her into another big hug.  This time it's her breaking the hug.
"Go on, or it'll be late before you ever get back."
I nod and climb in the front seat.  "I love you Grandma."
"I love you too."  Smiling I give her a 'thumbs up' and wait until 
she's a 
safe distance away before I even start the engine.  As I throttle up I 
can
see Grandma waving to me from the corner of my eye.  As soon as I'm 
airborne 
I do a pass around the farm and tip my wings to her, waving back
before I climb for the clouds.

2305 ZULU
COMMANDER RABB'S APARTMENT
NORTH OF UNION STATION, VIRGINIA

	Finally, these grocery bags can get heavy.  Especially when you can't 
take 
the elevator because it's busted.  I didn't use it when I
came home last time so I have no idea how long it's been out.  I threw 
out 
everything in the frig before I left but I still need to scrub it out.  
I 
can
see the number of messages has increased so I'm listening to them as I 
clean 
the refrigerator and restock it.  There are some from Mom and Frank,
Grandma telling me to call her as soon as I get home and even one from 
Caroline, Bobbi's friend.  I have no idea how the hell she got my 
number,
I didn't give it to her, besides it's been four months and I still 
haven't 
called her.  You'd think she'd take a hint.  When the Admiral's voice 
comes
over the speaker I take note.  Something about him wanting me at work 
today 
instead of tomarrow.  Oops, now I know why I left my cell phone
in the plane while I was up there, besides Grandma hates them.  Sergei 
left 
a message too.  He wasn't too happy about going back to Russia.  I
don't think he blames me, much.  But he's considering reenlisting in 
the 
Russian Army.  Webb's going to be pissed if he becomes a POW again.
Until then he's staying at his mother's farm which I know doesn't have 
a 
phone so he'll have to call me back.  The surprise call came from 
Skates
on the Henry congratulating me on a job well done.  I only wish I could 
have 
been flying with her again on the Sea Hawk.  Jorgenson's good,
but she doesn't hold a candle to Skates.

	By the time I hear Mac and Sturgis's messages I'm making pasta 
primavera 
for dinner.  Nothing of any real concern except for their
appraisals of Bud's situation.  It's funny how they differ in opinion.  
Both 
agree that he needs to begin moving on, but Sturgis would like to take
the laid back approach while Mac wants to light a fire under his ass.  
I 
guess that's the difference between Sailors and Jarheads.  As expected
the largest volume of calls was made by Harriet.  Now I feel like a 
heel, 
running off as soon as I got home.  She'd slid a note under my door 
too,
which tells me she came over here in person to talk and I wasn't there 
for 
her.  I'm really going to have to make it up to her now.  We never keep
the other waiting when we need to talk.  Setting my plate on the table 
I 
grab a glass of water and the phone on the second trip.  Half way 
through
the meal I manage to get as far as six digits of her phone number 
before I 
chicken out and set the phone back down.  It's late, I'm sure they're 
both
in bed or something.  That excuse even sounds weak to me, but I stick 
with 
it.  Some of my own excuses have become bitter pills to swallow
lately.  Its made my dinner the same and I can't even finish the other 
half 
of it before I discard it and go to bed for the rest I'm sure I won't 
get.

	Unlocking the door and stepping through I peel off my tank top and 
shorts 
to climb in the shower.  I'm tired of being right all the time.
Last night was without a doubt, the worst night of sleep I've gotten 
this 
year, which is saying something considering what's happened.  The run
did help some though, I figure the best way to help Bud would be to 
mesh Mac 
and Sturgis' approaches and hit Bud repeatedly with it ad nausea
for as long as it takes.  I hope I'll sound more confident than I feel 
about 
it.  Getting out of the shower I notice that I've got less than half an 
hour
to get my six out the door.  Getting dressed I realize how glad I am 
summer 
whites are still in season.  Wearing the jacket and tie would be too
constricting after three months of BDU's, khakis and flight gear.  
Grabbing 
my stuff I make a quick stop at the frig to grab an untoasted blueberry
bagel before rushing out the door.  I'd normally pack myself a lunch, 
but I 
figure this way I'll have an excuse to ask Harriet out to eat instead.

	Pulling up into the JAG parking lot I can see Sturgis' Porsche.  I 
pull up 
along side it and shut off the engine.  Hopping out I lean over
and run my hand over her hood.  I like getting a feel for a car's lines 
and 
she's a cherry.  After a few more stolen glances I grab my briefcase 
and
head inside.  Reaching the bullpen I see Singer handing Tiner a bunch 
of 
files in a corner, Sturgis is in his office and Mac's no where to be 
seen.
Shrugging I open my office to see another large pile of mail that's 
been 
heaped on my desk and a stack of files in my 'IN' box that'd better be 
some
kind of joke.
"Welcome back sir."  Turning around I find Tiner in my doorway with a 
smile 
on his face and files in his hands.
"Some welcome," I gesture at the huge pile of mail and files.  "Makes 
me 
wish I had the paper shredder right here next to my desk."
Tiner laughs at that.  "The Admiral'd like to see you sir."
"Thank you Tiner I'll be right there."  Tiner doesn't leave, instead he 
holds out the files in his hand.  "Oh you've got to be kidding me?"
Tiner just shakes his head and deposits them in my hands before he 
disappears through the door.  Adding those to the already large pile I 
scan
my office.  Everything seems to be in order and before leaving I 
hesitate 
for a moment pondering what I'm going to tell the Admiral about not
being present yesterday.

	"Commander Rabb reporting in as ordered sir."  This is a little too 
formal 
for my taste, but I'm willing to try it if it'll put the Admiral in
a better frame of mind.
"At ease.  You were ordered to report in yesterday.  Can you offer me 
some 
explanation as to why you weren't here?"  The Admiral's sitting at
his desk and he's glaring at me.
"I was up at my Grandmother's place in Bellsville, Pennsylvania sir."
"Yes Commander Turner informed me of that yesterday when you didn't 
show 
up."  He knew?  Then why bother asking, is he wondering if I'll
lie right to his face?  "Did you not get my message to report in 
yesterday?"
"I did sir, last night.  I left early Wednesday morning."
"I left that message before the Sea Hawk should've even docked on 
Tuesday."  
That I didn't know, I didn't bother to check when that message
was left.
"I didn't listen to any of the messages until last night."  I could 
offer my 
excuses as to why, but I doubt he wants to hear them.  "I'm sorry about
not checking earlier sir, it'll never happen again."
The Admiral gives me another stern look and apparently he's going let 
it 
pass without incident, thank God.  "Take a seat."
"Sir about Lieutenant Roberts..."
That's all I get out before he jumps in.  "Commander, Lieutenant 
Roberts is 
officially none of my concern.  Technically he's still under the
command of fifth fleet and Captain Johnson.  Lieutenant Roberts will 
notify 
Admiral Myers in regards to his career.  Discussion about
Lieutenant Roberts is to be done only during off hours and perferably 
not 
here at JAG.  Do I make myself clear?"  I understand the Admiral has
to maintain an efficient office despite what happened to Bud.  I 
imagine 
he's had to take a hard line regarding it too.
"Yes sir."

	Walking out of the Admiral's office I'm not sure I'm glad I didn't get 
yelled at for not being here yesterday.  Usually when he yells
it means I'm going somewhere on a case, but not this time.  This time I 
walk 
out of his office with another thick stack of files to add to my
massive collection towering high above my desk.  I'm not going anywhere 
for 
a very long time.  I notice Mac walking in the bullpen just as I'm
heading into my office.  She gives me a look somewhere between pity and 
pleasure.  She smiles and normally I'd smile back, but before I can
I notice that she's also stifling a laugh.  Pretending not to care, I 
square 
my shoulders and march right into my office.  This sucks, homecomings
aren't supposed to turn out like this.

	Four hours into it, my mail has been taken care of and my tower of 
files 
has been reduced by a quarter.  Five minutes into it I
realized I was better off than I thought I was.  The bulk of what I've 
taken 
care of so far have been cases I had while on the Sea Hawk.  I
just need to finalize and sign off on them before they can be archived.  
Leaning back in my chair I roll my head around trying to work out a few
kinks in my neck.  Man I'm hungry, I knew I should've grabbed more than 
a 
bagel for breakfast.  Reaching down I grab a large tin of Grandma's
snacks.  Pulling the lid off I bite down on a cookie.  Hearing a knock 
on my 
door I can see Mac on the other side.  I motion her in; I guess she
figured I was taking a break.

	"Is that a cookie?"  She asks, her arms crossed in front of her.
"What this?"  I tease, holding up the massive oatmeal raisin cookie in 
front 
of her.  There are chocolate chip cookies in here too, not to
mention several pieces of fudge and a lot of thick, soft brownies.  I 
show 
her the tin full of goodies while taking another bite.  "I believe it 
is,
want one?"
"Thanks."  Mac reaches in and takes a big piece of fudge.  Biting down 
she 
almost oozes into the chair behind her.  Grandma's cooking
can do that to someone who isn't prepared.  There's a reason why she 
wins 
blue ribbons in the country fairs up there every year.  "Oh wow,
these are fantastic.  Don't tell me you made these."
I'm sure I could, Grandma showed me how.  "No, my Grandma did."  Taking 
another bite I can see her eyes swimming in a chocolate
lover's paradise.  I can't refrain from my next jab, "Got Milk."  I 
taunt, 
holding up my mug, which contains the said milk as opposed to the
coffee I normally need.  I smile and take a drink before setting it 
down.  
Mac just frowns at me until she swipes my mug and drinks the rest
of the milk.
"You know I do."  Mac smiles again, this time reaching for a brownie.  
No 
way, not this time.  I hold it just of out reach, toying with her.  Mac
gives me an exasperated sigh as she gives up and slumps back down in 
the 
chair.
"Oh calm down, these are all for you anyway."  Mac's eyebrows quirk up 
at 
that.
"Really, they're for me?"  Reaching down I show her the lid and the 
message 
on it.  'To Sarah MacKenzie, I hope you like these.  Harmon
said you would.  Don't let him eat any of them, he's got plenty of his 
own.  
And make sure he shares his with you too.  Sarah Rabb.'  "Hey
that means your eating 'my' cookie."  I only smile as I finish the 
remainder 
of 'her' cookie and hand her the tin, which she accepts.
"Thanks Harm, you'll tell your Grandma thank you for me won't you?"  
Mac 
sets the tin back on my desk, smiles and pulls out a brownie.
God I love that smile, "I will."
"Look before either one of us ruins our appetite I was wondering if 
you're 
free for lunch today?"
Looking past her I can see Harriet looking back at me, pacing about the 
bullpen.  "I'd love to Mac, but I was kinda hoping to have lunch
with Harriet.  Rain check?  Or how about dinner at my place, we can 
swap 
stories about our days as JAGs aboard ships."  Mac's initial look of
what I think is disappointment fades once I mention Harriet and the 
idea of 
dinner tonight.
"Sure, what time?"  Wow, I didn't expect her to accept.  I figured it'd 
be 
like last time, everyone keeping their distance from the bad boy who
had the audacity to leave JAG for his own reasons.  Maybe things are 
finally 
going to work out between us this time.  They have to.  Things
can't be like they were before.
"2000 sound okay?"
"Sounds great."
Mac gets up to leave and is almost to the door before I call out to 
her, 
"Mac."  I'm holding the tin in my hand.
"Right, thanks."  Mac grabs the tin and jealously guards it all the way 
to 
her office.  The way she holds it almost dares someone to even try
taking it from her grasp without being killed in the effort to do so.

	It only takes Harriet five minutes to walk in my office, lunch in 
hand.  I 
get up to shut the door behind her and as she sets the lunches
down I pull her into a big hug.  I didn't even see her in Naples, I 
left 
before she got there and I don't give a damn about protocal right now.  
She
doesn't want to let go and I maneuver her into one of the chairs and I 
take 
the other without breaking contact.  I can see that lunch is a pair of
salads from a local place nearby.  That sweet woman, it pains me to see 
what 
she's had to endure in the past two years.  I can feel her shaking
against me and tears falling on my shoulder.  She's had too many 
reasons to 
cry as of late.  As I stroke her back I think about what Sturgis said.
He's right, what the hell am I supposed to say to make this better?  
Maybe 
I'm not supposed to say anything because those words don't exist.
When Harriet and I talk, we don't talk.  As crazy as that sounds when 
one of 
us needs help, the other doesn't say anything.  Well not much
anyway, we're there to listen, to let the other know there's someone 
they 
can lean on, someone to hold them.  I really envy Bud having someone
like Harriet in his life and it's not often I envy him.  Sometimes, 
hell, 
most of the time I wish I could do this with Mac.  The problem is we're 
both
too afraid of appearing weak in front of the other.  Especially ever 
since 
Renee's father died and Mac showed up at my door at my request.  I
mean what the hell was I supposed to do at the time?  Ask Renee to go 
to her 
father's funeral alone so I could take care of Mac?

	Her first words are so faint I'm not even sure she's spoken until she 
repeats herself.  "I'm happy your home Harm."  This is one of
the best things about our relationship.  Rank is left at the door.  It 
took 
awhile to achieve it, but there's no Commander or Lieutenant and no 
sirs.
Its just Harm and Harriet.
"Harriet, I'm sorry about not coming over as soon as I got home.  I... 
well 
I don't know what it was, but I needed to get away for awhile."
"It's okay Harm."
"No Harriet its not."  I say breaking the hug but grasping her hands in 
mine.  I need to be able to look her in the eyes.  "I got your note, 
you
needed to talk and I wasn't there because I ran off."
"Harm you've just spent three months at sea finishing Bud's tour.  You 
deserved a day off."  God how can she say that so calmly?  Does she
really mean that?  If I were in her place I'd feel a bit abandoned.
"Harriet we've never made the other wait when they needed to talk, I 
knew 
you'd need to talk to me and I wasn't there."
"But you're here for me now."  She points out.  That's not enough, I 
should've... stop, she's forgiven you Rabb, move on and help her.
"Yes Harriet, I'm here for you in any capacity you need, for as long as 
you 
need me.  I promise."  That does it, I making her three pans of
lasagna so she doesn't have to cook all of those meals.  Maybe if 
she'll let 
me, I can watch after A.J so she can have a break from him too.  Right
now I'd be willing to do anything for her.

	Neither one of us pays any attention to the salads on my desk as we 
talk.  
It's worse than I feared, Bud's shutting himself off from
Harriet and A.J.  Worse yet he's started drinking, I'll bet it's 
becoming a 
problem.  I wonder if that's why Mac wants to climb all over his ass so
much.  Harriet mentions that he doesn't want A.J to see him in his 
condition 
and that A.J cries when he can't be near his daddy.  Harriet's being
neglected as well.  Usually we don't get this personal, but Harriet 
says 
that they haven't slept together since he came home.  And I don't mean
just sex, I mean he sleeps in a different bed all together.  She's 
tried 
enticing him into bed, but he won't do it.  When she's crawled into his 
bed,
whenever it is that he wakes up, he leaves and sleeps somewhere else.  
Harriet's feeling unappreciated, unloved and abandoned.  No wonder
everyone else doesn't know how to deal with this.  This problem has 
become a 
monster and its gotten out of control.
"Harriet, I'm coming over after work.  It'll be a little later than 
usual 
because I'm trying to get a handle on all this paperwork, but I going 
to 
talk
with Bud."
"Harm everyone's tried that already.  It isn't working, he needs to see 
a 
professional."
"Harriet none of them were me.  I've been in Bud's place before.  Maybe 
it 
wasn't the loss of a limb, but it was a broken body and a broken
sprit.  I killed my friend in that accident and it was the death of my 
dream 
of flying.  Believe me, I know more about this than anyone can
possibly understand.  Besides he has to listen to his best man."
A small ghost of a smile surfaces on Harriet's face.  I'm not sure if 
she's 
smiling at my apparent confidence or the memory of much happier times
for all of us.  Those were great times, how did it all go to hell in a 
hand 
basket so quickly?
"I'll set up something for the three of us to nibble on before you get 
there."
"Harriet I'd rather speak to Bud alone.  You don't have to leave the 
house 
or anything, but I think it'd be best if we were alone in the room.  I
don't mean to exclude you, but do you really think he's just going to 
open 
up to you all of a sudden?"  I can tell she knows I'm right by the
defeated look on her face.
"Okay."  She says as quietly as she can.  She stands up, but before she 
can 
even think about leaving I get up and draw her into another hug.
"It's going to be okay Harriet.  I'll be with you every step of the 
way."
Harriet steps out of my arms and caresses my face with one of her 
hands.  
"Your going to make someone a wonderful husband someday."  With
that she walks out of my office taking one of the salads with her.  
Yeah, 
someday.

	Looking over what remains of my tower of files I see that I've only 
got a 
third of the stack left to go for Monday.  I surprised even
myself today.  Oh my God, the files at the bottom of the stack date 
back to 
before the tribunal.  Piling the more recent files on top I walk out of
the office.  Its 1730, but Singer's still here.  Doesn't she have a 
life 
outside this building?  At least I have an excuse for working late 
today.  I 
hope
she gets that dog; I think she could use it.  I saw the mass migration 
out 
of here at 1700 sharp, but I hear Harriet left early.  Mac found her 
crying
the ladies room or something so the Admiral gave her the rest of the 
day 
off.  I wish Harriet had said something to me.  Its not like I couldn't
have taken a break.  Mac's gone too I think, I wish she wouldn't have 
left 
already.  I could've used her advice about what to do about
Bud's drinking.

	Locking my office and walking towards the elevator I feel a hand on my 
shoulder.  "Off our knight rides on his valiant steed to face
the fearsome, fire breathing dragon."  It's Sturgis; I wonder where 
he's 
been hiding himself.
"Where did you come from?"
"Late meeting with a client.  Singer can work as late as she wants to.  
I'm 
still going to mop up the floor with her on Monday."
"I'm facing a dragon am I?"  The elevator doors close before Sturgis 
responds, I'm sure its to keep an often eves dropping Singer from 
hearing.
"If you're talking to Bud today you are.  A lot's changed buddy."
"Yeah, why the hell didn't you tell me Bud started drinking?"
"Harm that's really hush, hush around here.  Only Mac, the Admiral and 
I 
know about it.  I figured it was Harriet's place to tell you not me."
"How Mac dealing with his drinking?  Is that why she's trying to kick 
him in 
the ass."
"I think so.  Why that would matter to her is beyond me though.  Does 
she 
ever drink?"  Oh how to answer that.  It's not my place to just hand
out secrets that Mac felt she could trust me with.  Honestly I'm 
surprised 
he doesn't know that she's a recovering alcoholic or whatever the word
for it is.  Most everyone she works with knows that.  The fact that her 
dad 
got drunk and beat her and her mother by habit is more closely
guarded.
"No she doesn't drink, but she doesn't like it when people use it as a 
means 
of escape either."  That should be enough for him, but I'd like to
change the subject.  "So, how are things with you and Bobbi?"  I'm 
trying my 
best to keep a straight face, but my reflection in the door tells me
I'm failing when the corner of my mouth pull up into a smile.

	As we reach our cars Sturgis, who mercifully let me off the hook 
recaps his 
relationship with Bobbi.  They're making a few tentative
steps towards each other.  Personally I've never known Sturgis to be 
tentative about anything.  At the Academy he got three dates from three
different women at the same party on a dare from Luke.  He fought like 
hell 
to get into the submarine fleet and that man's left hook is vicious.
Tentative isn't a word that aptly describes him which makes me think 
it's 
Bobbi who wants to take this slow rather than him.
"So any words of encouragement?"
"Yeah, don't expect to change things over night Harm.  It's not going 
to 
happen that fast."
Truer words were never spoken before.  I run my hand over the hood of 
his 
car again.  "Its a nice car Sturgis."
"Thanks, but your stalling."
"What if I can't change any of this?  What if that mine ends up 
destroying 
three lives?"  Normally I'm never this nervous, but right now it's hard
not to be.
"We'll deal with it."  Sturgis mentions as he climbs in his car.  How 
can he 
be so relaxed about all this?  Oh that's right, he's not everyone's 
last
hope.  "See ya on Monday buddy."  He fires up his Porsche and drives 
off 
leaving me alone with my thoughts.  With my thoughts in finally
occurs to me that Mac's car is still in the parking lot.  She wasn't in 
the 
office; then again she's probably meeting with a client too.  She's 
been
working on an important case all week with a court date next week from 
what 
I hear.  I quick write out a note for her to call me within the next 
half
hour if she gets the message in time and leave it on her windshield.  
Much 
as I want to, I can't wait around here for her.  I've got to talk to 
Bud
and make dinner in a little more than two hours.

	You know its funny how your mind can wander yet your body can get you 
where 
you want to go.  I'm sitting in my car in front of Bud
and Harriet's house and I have no idea how I got here.  I remember 
starting 
the engine, thinking about what I want to make for dinner with Mac
and what I'm going to say to Bud.  Bud distracted me all the way here.  
Shutting off the engine I reach into the passenger seat and pull out a
plastic model F-14 for A.J.  I'm not sure why, but the premise of being 
here 
to see A.J rather than him should help put Bud at ease.  At least I
hope it will.  Walking up the driveway I notice their minivan and a few 
of 
A.J's toys scattered about.  Ah youth, I just hope A.J isn't scarred by
this like I was when dad went down.  As much as I'm worried about 
Harriet, I 
know she'll survive.  She survived baby Sarah dying, she'll
survive this too.  I'm more concerned about A.J.  I'll do anything to 
prevent him from having the childhood I had.  That's disconcerting.  
Bud
isn't dead, then again he might as well be.  Abandonment would be far 
worse 
than death to A.J to grow up with.

	I have to ring the doorbell three times before Bud answers it.  "Sir 
what 
are you doing here?"  Bud's in a robe and he looks like
hell, his beard looks about a week or two old.  His hair is long, 
matted and 
unkempt.  I can smell the liquor on his breath and it's been at least a
day since he took a shower.
"I came to see little A.J, I got him something while I was away."  I 
hold up 
the plane for Bud's inspection.  He seems mad; I hope Harriet
didn't tell him I was coming over to talk with him.  "Anyway I was 
hoping to 
spend a little time with him.  Spoil him rotten, you know."
"He's taking a nap."  Bud's reply is respectful, but controlled and 
ridged.  
I don't know if he's even telling me the truth and he's yet to ask me
inside.
"Oh, I was really hoping to see him.  It's been so long."  I do want to 
see 
him, a little bit, so I'm not blatently lying to him.  I still need a 
way
inside the house.  "Do you mind if I leave him a note for you and 
Harriet to 
read to him when he wakes up?"  Bud looks at me for a second
before he ushers me in.  Bud leads me into the living room, his fake 
leg 
thumping heavily against the wooden floor.  I'm sure he's doing that
on purpose.  We sit down on a pair of matching yellow couches facing 
each 
other.  On the table are several sheets of paper, some are blank
others have been colored on by A.J.  I don't bother making out what 
they are 
as I write out my message under Bud's scrutiny.  Also on the
table is a bottle of Southern Comfort almost three quarters full and a 
double shot glass.  I noticed the two other bottles under the table 
too.
He's really going all out.  I wonder how much he's had today alone.

	"I don't suppose Harriet's here?"  I say leaning back into the couch 
without asking if I even could.  I wonder what he's going to say
now?  I know she's here.  Bud waves his hand to the door on my right.  
I've 
been here enough to know its one of the guest bedrooms.
"She's in there sleeping."  Now I know he's lying.  Harriet may be in 
there, 
but she isn't sleeping.  If anything she's got a glass up against the
door.
"Dang, she left JAG early today.  I was hoping to ask her about some 
case 
file research for next week."
"Can I take the message for her?"  Bud's hands are shaking no matter 
how 
badly he's trying to hide it from me.
"Sorry Bud, she's helping out with the case.  You know how it is."  Now 
he's 
looking long and hard at that bottle.  "Well, I guess I can always
call her later."  With that I reach over and grab the bottle and pour 
him 
his double.  Mac'd kill me if she saw me doing this.  Encouraging Bud 
to
drink isn't what I had in mind either.  I tilt the bottle and let about 
a 
shot's worth of that fiery whiskey slide down my throat.  Bud looks at 
me
for a second before downing his too.  Man what I wouldn't give for a 
Coca-Cola chaser right about now.  I'm holding the bottle tight to my 
chest,
Bud isn't getting anymore from me and I think he knows it too.

	"So when are the doctors clearing you to come back to JAG?"  I'm not 
sure 
where to start, but this seems as good of a place
as any.  Bud swirls the glass around in his hand perhaps envisioning 
the 
whiskey that'll occupy it soon if he has anything to say about it.
"I'm not returning to JAG."  I figured as much, but I'll act surprised 
for 
him anyway.
"Why not?"
"Isn't it obvious?"  Of course it is, but I'll be damned if I'll admit 
to 
it.
"No."
"Oh come off it Commander you know damn well what I'm talking about!"  
Jesus, he is a fire breather isn't he?  I've never heard Bud that mad
before.
I look down at his new leg, what I can see of it anyway, "That's no 
reason 
to quit."
"Please, what the hell would you know about something like this?"  What 
would I know?  I spent a month in traction recovering from my crash
and another month learning how to walk again.  "We both know my 
career's 
over.  So spare me your song and dance about not giving up.
You've never had a hard day in your life!"  Everything comes so easy 
for you 
doesn't it?  What?!  What the hell would he know about my life,
what I've been through, what my family's been through?  The nerve that 
little shit!  He's about a half a breath away from me jumping over this
table and knocking his ass into the wall.
"You don't know the first thing about my life and what I've been 
through."  
My own voice lowering to a dangerous tone to match his.
"Sure I do.  You get all the glory and none of the hardships in life."  
Is 
that what he really thinks?  Is that what every one who works at JAG
thinks?
"I'm sorry you feel that way.  But it isn't true."


	"Get out!  I don't need your pity..."  Bud's yelling now, that's it; 
he's 
going get it with both barrels now.
"Shut up Lieutenant!  Shut the fuck up!  You think you have so bad 
don't 
you?  Do you really think you're the first Lieutenant to get injured
and put his career in jeopardy?  Well get in line because I'm way ahead 
of 
you!  I spent a month in traction and it took me another to learn how
to walk again after I crashed on the Sea Hawk.  At least when your 
stupid 
ass walked out on that mine field you didn't get anyone else killed.
My RIO and friend died because of me.  Should I keep going?  Lets see; 
Luke 
died, Jordan died, my dad spent the last 12 to 13 years of his life
in hell before he died in Russia, Diane was murdered the night we were 
going 
to discuss our future together.  I was planning on marrying her
Bud!  So don't come to me with this pathetic sob story, mine's much 
better!" 
  He's hearing it as soon as I'm thinking it.  Serves him right.  I'm 
so
mad the bottle in my grasp is in danger of being crushed in my bare 
hands.  
So...
"Sarah died you son of a bitch!"  I really don't have a response for 
that 
nor do I intend to.  That's his only trumping card and it's better than
anything I hold in my hand.  I have to acknowledge his loss and move 
on.
"Yeah she did, but at least you had a wife and son to hold on to.  I 
had 
nothing.  You wanna know the real difference between you and me?
It has nothing to do with our abilities as lawyers.  Your every bit as 
good 
if not better than I was at your age.  It's not our past and it's 
certainly
not our ranks.  When you open your front door, Harriet and A.J are 
there 
waiting for you, loving you.  I open my door to a cold and empty
apartment."

	"Well you can have them for all I care."  Holy shit, that's something 
I 
thought I'd never hear coming out of his mouth and it stuns me
into silence for a second.
"I'm going to pretend you didn't say that or I'd knock you on your ass 
and 
then take them.  Christ, I'd cut off my own leg to have someone like
Harriet and A.J in my life."
"What, so your blaming that on me?  It's not my fault you're a coward 
or 
that you're incapable of committing to a woman.  But you can still have
all that.  I can't get my career back."  I'm not sure what I hate more 
right 
now.  Fighting with Bud or the fact that he's right.  Deep down I know
he's right about me.  And more than I'd like to admit too.
"You know for someone who used to annoy the shit out me with that damn 
'Men 
of Honor' movie, one would think you'd have taken a lesson
from it.  He needed his leg, but made it without it anyway.  You're a 
lawyer 
Bud; you don't need that leg to survive at JAG or anywhere else for
that matter.  Yes it's going to be hard, but nothing worth having is 
ever 
easy.  After my crash Diane, Keeter and Luke all came up to my
grandmother's farm and kicked me in the ass to get me going again.  
Mac, 
Sturgis and I are going to do the same for you.  And you're going to
stop drinking and get some help or I'm going to hold you down and let 
Mac 
beat the hell out of you."  Here's where talking to Mac would've
helped.  Confronting him in this way about his drinking and demanding 
that 
he stop probably isn't the best way to achieve either objective.  But
I've never done this before so it'll have to do.

	"That's how it always is isn't it?  You and Mac, Batman and Robin, 
Butch 
Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, Flyboy and Ninja Girl."
I have no idea how he found out about our nicknames for each other.  
Ninja 
Girl?  I haven't called her that in years.  And why the hell is he
smiling?
"What's so damn funny?"
"You."  I'm not sure where this is leading, but I need to keep Bud from 
shutting down on me.
"How's that?"
"You think I'm pathetic sitting here, wallowing in self pity.  Why 
don't you 
look in the mirror sometime."  I don't think he's pathetic, not yet
anyway, but I'm not sure I want to know why he thinks I am.
"Care to explain that?"
"Your the biggest joke anyone's ever seen."
"Is that right?"
"Yeah, your the biggest moron out there.  Everyone talks about you 
behind 
your back.  How damn stupid you are when it comes to Mac.
Did you know there was an unofficial office pool as to when the two of 
you 
would start dating?  It was disbanded after you left to go flying
again."  I'm not sure what I'd say to that even if I were capable of 
doing 
so.  I know that he's bringing this up to deflect attention away from 
his
own problems.  Part of me is mad that the whole office would go about 
something so childish, but the bulk of me wonders... well I don't know
what exactly.  How do you put into words the discovery that everyone 
you've 
worked with for the past six years thinks you should've been
dating your partner the entire time?

	"Oh look, the great Commander Harmon Rabb Jr. is at a loss for words.  
This 
is a first."  Apparently more time has passed than I
thought.  And Harmon Rabb?  Only Grandma calls me that.  Maybe I 
couldn't 
say anything at first, but I can now.  I mean I'm not just going to
let him keep taking jabs at me all evening.
"You don't know the first thing about us."
"Did you get high off the jet fuel fumes on the Sea Hawk?  It's so damn 
obvious you love her, but your too big of a coward to do anything
about it.  That's why you were mad at me for suggesting Mac see those 
prisoners during the tribunal isn't it?"  I'm getting real tired of him 
being
right all the time.  I just don't want anything to happen to her.  I 
mean 
she got too close to an unrestrained prisoner and look what almost
happened.  Yeah I had to get the whole story out of Webb, but I know 
all 
about it.
"That had nothing to do with it."  The look on Bud's face tells me that 
he 
doesn't buy that lie for a second.
"Get out of my house.  You can't tell me a damn thing.  Your too afraid 
of 
the big bad Marine to be of any use to me.

	I honestly can't believe I'm going to say this.  To Bud of all people 
and 
indirectly to Harriet who's been a good sport about not
coming in here and interrupting us despite the yelling.  I realize now 
that 
Bud needs the truth from me.  How can I expect him to listen to me
when I can't be completely honest with him?  "What do you want from me?  
Huh?  That I love her?  Of course I do.  I love her more than
anything in this world, but I've fucked up so many times with her that 
nothing is ever going to happen between us.  I've blown every chance
she's given me."  Bud's face has this shocked look to it.  Didn't he 
expect 
me to confirm what supposedly the office always knew to be true?  Or
maybe he just didn't expect me to admit that he was right.  "Yes I love 
her, 
I want with Sarah what you have with Harriet."  It only briefly
registers in my mind that I've called her 'Sarah'.  "So maybe I am a 
coward 
in that regard, but this coward put himself in danger to save your six
and everyone else on the Sea Hawk."  Wow, I can't believe I just said 
all 
that.  I'm going to have to talk to Harriet to keep this from 
spreading.
It's also incredible depressing at the same time, knowing how true 
those 
works are.  'Nothing's ever going to happen.'  That really sucks.
"Don't think for a second I feel obligated to you.  You were doing you 
job, 
nothing else.  If you hadn't I'd hope the Admiral'd court martial your
ass."  Damn, that's another point for Bud.  I'm losing fast here.

	"That's right, you don't owe me anything, but you sure as hell owe 
Harriet 
and A.J everything.  You think I'm a joke?  I'm not the one
pushing away a wife who just wants to be with me or a son who just 
wants to 
be by his daddy.  I wish to God my dad had just lost a leg.  I
could've lived with that in a heartbeat.  Of course you might as well 
be 
dead to A.J because you're hurting my Godson with your neglect and
abandonment.  Harriet too."  That might have been too much because I 
can see 
the anger flashing in his eyes again.
"He's my son!"
"Then be his father damn it!  Don't become your father because that's 
exactly what you're heading for.  That's what you're becoming."  
This'll
definitely get another reaction out of him.  I'm sure referring to his 
father as some sort of thing will help too.  Still, that definitely 
wasn't a 
lie.
"I'm not my father!"
"Good, then prove it."  Bud's face falls and his shoulders have slumped 
down.  His face looks... it looks defeated, as if he finally might be 
willing
to heed my advice.
"I don't know how anymore."  Gently Rabb, gently.  We've finally got 
him 
where we want him.

	"Do it by doing the things that made you the man your family loves in 
the 
first place.  Tell your wife that you love her and play with
your son any chance you get.  Don't give up on your family.  Accept all 
the 
love they give you in return.  Their love will help you through this.
I know because Grandma, Mom and eventually Diane's love for me pulled 
me 
through when I was at the lowest point in my life.  You'll get
through this, your too strong not to.  And don't worry about JAG or the 
Navy 
Bud.  Sturgis and I will be there waiting for you if you decide to
come back.  We'll help you get through your PFT's if that's what you 
want."
"I'd like to stay in the Navy, it just seems kinda hopeless right now."
"How do you think I felt when I had to leave flying?  Look Bud your 
career 
isn't lost by any means.  You finished the majority of the tour and
you left the carrier due to injury.  Your were decorated for it too.  
All 
these things will look good on your fit reps.  There's nothing stopping 
you
from taking a position on a base abroad.  That'll advance your career 
as 
well, but that's all in due time.  We need to focus on today, getting 
back
on track.  For now, work on your family Bud, they'll be there for you 
long 
after your Naval career is over.  They're all that matters."

	"Thank you sir."  I never thought I'd be so glad to hear him say that 
again.  It's nearly 1900; we've talked for about an hour now.  The
last 40 minutes have been spent talking about my crash and recovery, 
his 
injury and our families.  Thankfully he didn't bring Mac up.  I'm not
sure how I'd respond to it.  I think he's still surprised that I'd even 
admit to loving her.  I know I am.
"For what."  I want to know exactly what part made the difference.
"For all this."
"I'm your friend Bud, and what good's a friend if you can't lean on him 
from 
time to time?"  Bud actually smiles at that and I have to believe it's
his first in a very long time.  "Look why don't you order a pizza, I'm 
sure 
you and Harriet have a lot to discuss and this way there's no cooking
involved.  I'll just show myself out."  As I get up off the couch Bud 
pulls 
me in for a brief hug.  Well whatever reassurance I can give him is 
fine
with me.  Bud's part of way down the hall when he hears me screwing the 
top 
of the bottle of Southern Comfort back on.
"Why don't you just pour that down the sink sir."  I nod, smiling as he 
continues on.  Best idea he's had yet.

	I do a double shot before pouring the rest down the sink.  I have no 
idea 
where they put their glass bottles.  I don't see a recycling bin
so I just leave in on the countertop.  After everything that's happened 
it's 
all I can do to get out the front door and sit down on the porch steps.
I did it; I honestly can't believe I did it.  Yeah there's a lot of 
work to 
be done yet, but I didn't expect this kind of break through with just 
one 
talk.
Looking down the street I can see what a nice neighborhood this is.  I 
guess 
I was too busy helping Harriet with all the small repairs the house
needed to notice before.  I helped with all the painting, plumbing, 
electrical and carpentry additions Harriet wanted.  I smile to myself 
as I 
run my
hand over the steps of the porch I replaced the first week they moved 
in.  
Sanded smooth and painted to perfection.  I wonder if I'll ever get to 
do
this for a house that'll be home to my kids.  Leaning back on my hands 
I'm 
taking in the beginning of what's probably going to be a beautiful
sunset.  I don't normally do this, sit and watch the sunset I mean.  I 
guess 
I'm waiting for Harriet to walk out here.  I'm not sure if she'll 
either
chew my ear off or kiss me.  Either way I need to swear her to secrecy 
about 
Mac.  I've got to talk to Mac, and soon.  I've got to make her
understand why I did what I did.  Well either way, I guess it really 
doesn't 
matter if she understands just so long as she knows I love her.  If Bud
can overcome his problems, surely I can tell her I love her.  What 
really 
staggers me is how freely I professed my love for her.  I like to call 
her
'Sarah' more often.  I love the way that name sounds, especially when 
its 
paired up with 'Rabb'.  Hmmm, I haven't indulged in that fantasy in 
over
a year.  Amazing what falling out of a chair can do to you.  I think I 
might 
have gone crazy if those visions had persisted though.

	I can hear the front door open and I don't hear Bud's leg so that 
means 
Harriet's finally found her way out here.  Right now I can't look
her in the eyes, not after all the horrible things I said to Bud 
practically 
in front of her face.  I really hope A.J wasn't in there too.  "Harriet 
I'm
sorry about all the yelling and what I said.  I didn't intend to do 
that and 
I know the end doesn't justify the means.  I just... I wanted to help, 
in
anyway that I could."
"I wish you could say some of those things to me."  What the fuck?!  
That's 
Mac!  The speed in which I shot off the steps must have looked
humanly impossible.  I must look like fish out of water with my mouth 
gaping 
open like this too.  Come on Hammer say something.
"Mac?"  Oh real good, of course its Mac, ass.  Say something else.  
"How?"  
Well that's little better, but not much.
"I drove Harriet home early in their minivan and we picked up A.J on 
the way 
here."  Well that explains her car still at JAG.  I'm beginning to get
the feeling that Bud conned that confession out of me.
"Did Bud know you were here?"  I know it's not relevant anymore, but I 
gotta 
know.
"No.  He was surprised to see me here though."  He was surprised?  What 
about me?  I'm about ready to have a heart attack here.  For a while
we just size each other up, but apparently too much time has passed.  
"So 
your not going to say anything?  After everything you told Bud
you're just going to..."  Mac stops at that and storms over to Bud and 
Harriet's minivan.  I don't know if she has the keys or if they're 
still in
there.  Come on Rabb, move.  If she gets in that minivan your finished, 
she 
already knows anyway.

	"Mac wait!"  She isn't stopping.  No way Marine, not this time, not 
ever 
again.  I grab her arm and spin her around as soon as I
catch up to her at the minivan.  "Damn it Mac, stop.  Stop it right 
now."
"Why should I?"
"Because you're running away again."
"I'll thank you not to confuse your method of escape with mine."  Yeah 
I saw 
that one coming and maybe it was once true, but that was before
everything, before my crash.
"The hell it isn't.  You did it on the Guadalcanal and your doing it 
now."
Stumbling back a bit after Mac pushed me I hear her reply, "I did not."
Before she even gets the notion I hold the driver's side door shut with 
my 
hand.  "Yes you did.  You took off before I could even answer your
question and then hid behind Gunny when I caught up to you."  Accusing 
Mac 
of hiding behind anyone is a good way to get my ass kicked,
but right now it has to be all or nothing.  "You couldn't even give me 
15 
seconds of your time.  But you made it perfectly clear that we were 
done
talking when we needed it the most."

	"Your a real piece of work Commander Rabb.  I'm a Marine; I don't need 
to 
hide behind anyone.  Now move it."  I move my arm to let
her have access to the door.  That's it?  That can't be it.
"Boy and I thought we were building something here."  I say just loud 
enough 
for her to hear it.  I'm shaking my head and that gets me a
response.  I seem to being trying my hardest to pick fights with 
everyone 
today.  Mac opens the door and looks at me over her shoulder.
"Oh that's funny.  I might have said the same thing until you gave me 
the 
cold shoulder in Italy to go off and get loaded with Sturgis.  Of 
course
when Bud got hurt you ran off to the Sea Hawk to avoid it all."  She 
did the 
same damn thing.  She ran off after Mic left for Australia.  How can
she blame me for doing something she did too?
"Yeah so what if I did?  I needed to get away and clear my head.  You 
of all 
people should know what that's all about."  I'll bet that stung, but
even Mac has to see the truth in it.

	Now Mac's turned and facing me, taking a few steps towards me I notice 
her 
hands balling up into fists.  Fists I'd rather not get to
know.  "Clear your head of what?  You came off that ship a hero.  What 
could 
possibly be weighing on your mind besides the kind of metal
they'd be pinning on your chest?"
"You."
Mac's eyes widen and her response is immediate, "Me?"
Okay, here we go.  Forty years from now I hope I can look back on this 
as a 
fond memory of the turning point in our lives rather than as a
waking nightmare.   "I came down out of that plane and the first thing 
out 
of your mouth was how dying in a nuclear blast would have been a
great way to go out.  Oh yeah, I would've gone out in a big blaze of 
glory 
wouldn't I?  I couldn't take it anymore Mac.  Sturgis doesn't
contemplate the ways in which he'd like to die either.  That's why we 
went 
out alone.  Do you long for death?  Because let me tell you
something.  Death can only take you away from me or me away from you.  
Do 
you want that?  Cause I sure as hell don't, especially after that
mine when it almost happened."  Mac looks unsure of herself and what to 
say 
next and that's a lot better than the pissed off glare I'd been
getting.

	"Why didn't you just say so in the first place?"  Her voice has 
softened, 
but it's still billigerent.  What did she think I was talking
about the whole time?
"What are you talking about?  I told you in Afghanistan I didn't want 
to.  I 
thought you knew how I felt about you.  Hell I told you some people
were in love with you at your engagement party.  Who'd you think I was 
talking about?  Bud?  The Admiral?  And even more recently, before
the tribunal when have I ever cooked us dinner before?  It's always 
been 
take out for our working dinners.  And what do you call that night in
Afghanistan?  Sharing body heat?  I cursed everyone of those damn 
Hornet 
pilots for ruining one of the best times of my life."  Now Mac's face
looks like Bud's did, but there can be no stopping this now.  "You've 
asked 
several different questions at times regarding us and here's
your answers.  Yes I'm afraid of losing you.  I love you Sarah.  So no, 
we're not going to wait an eternity and yes, I'd have given Renee up 
for
you.  I'd give anything up to have you in my life.  I've known as much 
since 
the day after you've asked me that in Sydney.  You see that house,
that family?", I ask pointing at Bud and Harriet's house.  "That's what 
I 
want, but none of my dreams of the future mean anything to me if you're
not there beside me."  There, I've said it all and to her face.  Mac 
took 
two steps back during my little speech.  One of her hands in covering 
her
mouth, hopefully its some sign that she can't believe what I've just 
said 
even though she heard me say the same thing in the house less than ten
minutes ago.  God Mac say something, the silence is killing me.  What I 
mean 
is, please God don't let her reject me now.  I don't think I could
survive it.  "Please say something."  I hope she noticed my voice 
cracking a 
bit.  Maybe it'll convince her that I meant every word.

	I swear it was only a blink, just one, but Mac managed to traverse the 
distance in that time frame and now with her body pressed up
against mine, our mouths fused in a moment of blinding white light, 
nothing 
else matters right now.  I couldn't care if the Admiral, SECNAV, and
the President all happened by and caught the two of us like this.  
What's 
really impressive is the fact that I'm stringing together actual 
coherent
sentences while I'm kissing the woman of my dreams.  Well in my mind 
anyway, 
I seriously doubt I could spit out a fraction of what I'm thinking
right now if I had to.  No amount of sex has ever meant as much to me 
as 
this kiss does.  It feels like I'm coming home, I guess I'm getting my
homecoming after all and what sweet welcome home it is.  Breaking away 
Mac 
leans her head on my shoulder and I can feel her breath tickling my
ear.
"Thank you Harm.  I love you too."  She loves me, thank you God.  I 
never 
realized how much hearing those words actually means to me.  No
wonder women like hearing it all the time.  I want to say so much, but 
none 
of it can possibly describe this sensation.  This is the woman I'm
going to marry.  No doubt about it.  Even Diane didn't feel like this.  
I'm 
so happy I barely catch her next few words.  "I'm so sorry about all 
that
morbid talk.  I promise I won't speak of dying ever again."  Wow, 
didn't she 
once say never be sorry?  That it's a sign of weakness?

	"Don't make a promise you can't keep."  I know she'll get a kick out 
of 
that.  And she must be, because she's actually giggling.  I
never thought I'd hear her do that.
"I haven't yet."  Perfect, she's absolutely perfect.
"Speaking of promises, I promised you dinner tonight didn't I?"  
Knowing my 
Marine, yeah she's my Marine now and I intend to keep her
forever.  Knowing her, she hasn't forgotten.  "Think you could come 
over 
right away as soon as we pick up your car?  I'm kinda on a roll here
and I want to keep talking.  There are a lot of things we need to 
figure out 
yet.  The Admiral and stuff."
Mac laughs lightly at that.  I suppose that's a bit out of character 
for me. 
  "Kiss me right now."  Hey I don't need to be told twice.  And again
there's that light, that feeling of completion.  God if her kiss can do 
this 
to me, what's the rest going to be like?  "I couldn't believe all this 
was
happening right now.  I just had to make sure this was real."
"Don't you normally ask someone to pinch you to do that?"
"Which would you rather do?"  Mac smiles at me and I find myself lost 
in 
those big brown eyes again.
"Ah touche`."

	Pulling back from another kiss I take her hand in my own and lace our 
fingers together.  I kiss her hand as I bring our hands to my
mouth.  Walking over to my car I can't help smiling at her.  Thankfully 
she's smiling back at me.  Guiding her to the passenger side and 
opening
the door for her I watch as she takes her seat and puts on her seat 
belt.  
Rushing over to my side I jump in and put my seat belt on too.  As the
vette roars to life I look over at Sarah.  She's smiling at me again, 
God is 
she beautiful.
"Are you ready?"
"Yes I'm ready."  Good, she knows what I'm talking about.  I have no 
idea 
how you go about dating your best friend, but I can't wait to find out.

The End

Author's Note:  Feed back is greatly appreciated whether you liked it 
or you 
just want to scream at me.  E-mail me and do either one if you want.
I'm planning on doing this from Mac's perspective too, but I'll wait 
and see 
what the response to this one is like first.  If enough people liked it
I'll go ahead with the other one.