Title: Hold On

Author: Mary mcarter857usa@netscape.net

Category: Romance, Angst

Disclaimer: Don’t own them, never will.

Summary: Sequel to Full of Grace. Continuation of
Mac’s struggle with depression.

Spoilers: Although I’m using the events of Adrift, Mac
was of course never getting married, and because of
this fact the events of Lifeline and Mutiny took
place, but in a drastically altered form.

AN: Once again I went to the great songwriter Sarah
McLachlan for the song title and opening quote. She’s
a great writer of shippy songs, for both the X-Files
and JAG. This story btw, is the sequel to my story
Full of Grace. Hope you enjoy.

I’ve decided to make this into a series that I’m
thinking of calling the Mac series, for both Sarah
Mackenzie and Sarah McLachlan, although the spelling
isn’t exact, so sue me.

Please give me feedback off-list. Both flames and
praise will be accepted. Thanks all.

** 



What is it in me that refuses to believe?/ This isn’t
easier than the real thing/ My love, you know that
you’re my best friend./ You know that I’d do anything
for you./ And my love,/ Let nothing come between us/
My love for you is strong and true.

--Hold On, Sarah McLachlan 



**

From the end of Full of Grace: 



With that the healing that was so desperately needed
between the two had finally begun. And although the
road ahead would be hard for both, they both knew in
the end it would be worth it. 



** 



Tuesday, July 3rd, 2001

JAG Headquarters 

Falls Church, Virginia 



The past two months had been a time of great trials in
the lives of everyone at JAG. After Harm had gone down
coming back from his carrier quals when a freak storm
came out of nowhere, Mac had been forced to see the
one truth that would always be there, flying was the
most important thing to Harm. Even Harriet had said
the same thing. She had thought that she and Harm had
come to an agreement after those darker spring days
but apparently not enough of one. 



She knew the dangers of being a pilot of course, but
that doesn’t mean that her heart understood it. Even
though she wasn’t a religious person Mac had prayed,
prayed that Harm would come back safely to her. Though
he had claimed that he was ready to let go she
sometimes wondered if he truly was. Mac would never
ask him to give up flying; she knew it was as
essential to which Harm was as his dark hair and blue
eyes.  



When he had been returned, weather beaten but ok she
had pulled away from him. It was just one too many
close scrapes for her to deal with. After the initial
conversation in her office they had begun to talk more
often but Mac still had days of retreating into her
shell. The one thing she was certain of is that if she
lost Harm she would surely lose herself as well.  



When she had walked into the hospital and saw him
lying on the bed because of his obsessive need to fly
the wall they had so carefully deconstructed was put
firmly back in place. She couldn’t bear to see him in
a hospital bed because of another one of his
obsessions. Only this time he wasn’t doing this for
someone else but for himself, and the silly need he
had to keep up with his qualifications. 



She was angrier about the fact that he had not told
her until the day before he was set to leave for the
carrier. They had decided that the best way to
overcome their problems was to open the lines of
communications between them. Then when he had said
that this had been planned for months and still he
hadn’t said a word, she had seen red. Of course once
word came that he had gone down she had felt guilty
for not wishing him good luck and allowing that door
to close in his face. But she was tired of always
being the one to feel guilty, of always being the one
who was wrong. 



Now it appeared they were doing a slow dance around
each other, one step forward and two steps back. All
that had been worked towards for the last two months
was banished in the space of a fateful, ill-considered
decision. The irrational anger she felt towards him
had been building and was soon going reach a critical
mass. She wasn’t sure if the anger was at his decision
to fly when bad weather was predicted or if it was for
the fact that he waited until the last minute to tell
her of the trip.  



When he said that he was willing to let go, she had
thought, apparently incorrectly, she would be involved
in his decisions. But Mac knew that the real reason
for the anger was the little voice in her mind that
was saying, if he’s done it once he’ll do it again,
he’d break your heart. She had been able to ignore
that voice for so long, to quell the fears that were
always lingering. This one thought consumed her for 6
weeks, until she simply couldn’t take it anymore. 



Every time she began to think of his adventure in the
ocean she became angry all over again. Harm on the
other hand couldn’t understand Mac’s anger and why it
was directed at him. She knew about his need to fly
and why he still kept up with qualifications, so why
was she so angry now. He realized that part of Mac’s
fury came from the worry she had felt in those few
tense moments when it wasn’t known if he had made it
and if the rescue efforts would do any good. 



He knew with a clarity that came with hindsight that
he should have told her much sooner than the day
before he left. Because of this one decision the
defenses that surrounded her were once again firmly in
place, and he wasn’t sure if he was going to be able
to overcome them this time. 



Once again the two partners were standing on opposite
sides of a chasm that neither could seem to bridge.  



** 



Tuesday, July 3rd, 2001

JAG Headquarters

Falls Church, Virginia 



She stared out of the window of her office for the
umpteenth time today, pondering her life and where it
was going. She thought she had shaken off the lethargy
of depression several weeks ago only to discover that
it had come back worse than before. Everything around
her seemed muted and unreal; it was as though she were
viewing life through a funhouse mirror, where
everything was distorted and ugly. 



She no longer slept normally, now relying solely on
the sleeping pills prescribed by her doctor. She had
convinced herself several weeks earlier that she need
them, although she had suffered from bouts of insomnia
for most of her adult life. But this time was
different, when she went to sleep all she could see
was Harm going down over the ocean and not such a
happy ending this time. All of her evenings were spent
the same way, hours lying on the couch, broken only by
Jingo’s need to go out and the occasional need to
nourish herself. Everything else became secondary,
meaningless. 



For hours she would lie on her couch and ask one
question over and over again, why? Why me, why now,
why this and that? When the answers were too long in
coming she would swallow the pills and be pulled into
a respite that could be broken for no one. What was
most frightening to her was that she recognized what
was happening to her. Much the same way alcohol had
become her refuge over 15 years earlier; these pills
were becoming her only way of escape.  



She couldn’t understand why she depended so much on
the little white pills, no that’s wrong, she did
understand it, she simply chose not to do anything
about it, taking a pill became easier than confronting
what her real problems were. When she did fall asleep
she was often trapped within the nightmares that had
been her life for so long.  



Images of every mistake, every hurtful word, every
person that she had killed would come to her. The
dream would always start off the same, the ghost of
her father towering over her, screaming about her
being a tramp and stupid. She always thought a respite
would come after he disappeared but no sooner was Joe
Mackenzie gone than Dalton, or Chris, or Eddie would
appear.  



Sometimes, the spirits of those still alive would
visit her. John Farrow, blaming her for the loss of
his career. Then would come the countless faces of
those soldiers and sailors whose careers she had
destroyed in one way or another. The one most often to
appear was Caleb Farmer, whose death she had been
forced, because of a promise, to watch. 



The faces and the order might change but the end of
the dream was always the same, much like the
beginning. The faces of those she worked with would
appear, all saying one thing, how disappointed they
were in her, how she had let them down. In front of
the others always stood Harm with a look of disgust on
his face, as though he couldn’t bear the thought of
being friends with someone like her. 



In the back of her mind, she knew why the dreams were
there, to remind her that she was poison. She seemed
to destroy every life that she came into contact with
in one way or another. Those that hadn’t by some
miracle died had had their careers destroyed or put
into serious jeopardy  



Although the dreams were occasionally different, this
is the one that most often plagued her. In the light
of morning, she could still clearly see the look on
Harm’s face. The bitter look of judgment and
condemnation of her life and of her was more than she
could take. Nightmares had always been common for her,
but these latest ones that had no break and came to
her night after night had her questioning her sanity. 



The one thing she was terrified of, now more than ever
was falling back on the old crutch of alcohol.
Although it was a struggle everyday to maintain her
sobriety, lately the struggle had taken on monumental
proportions. Several times in the last two months she
had found herself in the parking lot of a liquor store
not far of her apartment with no remembrance of
getting there. 



The scariest incident had happened ten days before
when she had suddenly found herself in line with a
large bottle of vodka in her hands. It was scary for
two reasons, one, she didn’t remember getting out of
her car and going into the liquor store. The second
and more frightening reason was just how easily she
had fallen back to alcohol and thoughts of alcohol.
She failed to realize that the real demon was the
little pills she used to sleep at night.  



The memory that had always given her pause before was
that of the horrible crash that had taken Eddies life.
She remembered drinking that night, remembered getting
in the car, remembered the feeling of the pavement
beneath her face and most of all she remembered the
look in Eddies eyes as he died. That above all other
things had been what kept her sober for years
afterwards.  



It seemed that now, this memory no longer held the
power it once did over her. The call of the bottle was
stronger than it had ever been in the 13 years
previous. She wondered when she had become a passive
observer in her own life. She liked to think that she
was in control of her own life, and she realized that
what she had accused Harm of on the admirals porch, of
allowing the lifeline to become a noose, was happening
to her.  



She had held such a tight reign over her emotions for
so long that she was in danger of being caught in the
impending storm. She laughed when she would think of
accusing Harm of not being able to let go; she wasn’t
any better than he was. But then she realized what
that lack of control had gotten her, a broken heart
and a wounded soul. 



Every time she thought she had conquered her demons
and put them back into the past where they belonged
they reared their ugly head. She had fought so long
and so hard to put these demons in their own little
compartment that they couldn’t escape from that she
failed to realize that they controlled her life. The
specter of alcohol and abuse hovered over her like a
dark oppressive cloud. 



The thought that was driving her crazy now was that
she had given another person that much of herself. He
was her knight in shining armor and that thought
scared her more than any other. Mac had come to need
Harm’s strength more than she wanted to acknowledge.
But this time she couldn’t be rescued like the
proverbial damsel, she needed to do this herself, and
that meant no Harmon Rabb, and she knew that meant she
didn’t know if she could succeed. 



With these thoughts circling though her head, Sarah
Mackenzie stared out of her window into the grayness
of the day, which mirrored the grayness in her soul. A
grayness that was slowly taking over her life. 



** 



Tuesday, July 3rd, 2001

JAG Headquarters

Falls Church, Virginia 



He was watching her again. As she was sitting staring
out of her window he ran his eyes over her form. She
looked as she had two months ago, worn out, haggard,
old. The dark circles were visible through the liberal
amount of makeup used to try and conceal them. He
wondered what else he was missing. 



She had again lost weight. Her uniforms that she had
once filled out so nicely were now practically hanging
off of her. He wondered if she was eating, if she was
even sleeping. He could understand it the last time
this had happened. Her future had been snagged from
her in an instant, a future she though was guaranteed.
 



But this, this he couldn’t understand or rationalize.
Deep in the recesses of his mind, he knew it connected
somehow to his crash, but the dots just weren’t there
to make the picture. He thought at first that the
anger had come out of the worry, that she hadn’t known
how to handle the worrying any other way and it simply
came across as anger. 



Soon he realized there was something deeper going on.
Every time he tried to explain his actions she brushed
him off. She practically spit words at him now, as
though he were a presence to be tolerated rather than
her best friend. He was afraid of her; every time he
attempted to bridge the gap between them he was meet
with a hostile look, or words that made him cringe. 



He had had glimpses of this type of anger before, but
never like this, never this openly hostile and
defensive. After several weeks of this behavior he had
wondered if she had been drinking again, wondered if
the anger she was openly expressing was directed at
herself. Damn, now he was starting to sound like a
shrink. 



But he was bound and determined to find out what was
going on and help in whatever way he could. With this
thought implanted in his mind, he made his way to her
door and knocked. 



He heard her say enter with an almost pleasant tone of
voice, which immediately changed when she looked up to
see who was at her door. 



“What now Harm? I’m loaded down with work, and the
Admirals crawling all over my six to get it done
before the turn of the next century” 



“I was wondering what you were doing tonight. Maybe we
could get together and do something..” 



“Nope, didn’t you just hear a word I said, I have to
get this done before I’m shipped off on the next
supply boat to the farthest coldest corner of the
earth.” 



“Well you have to take a break sometime right? Maybe I
can come by and bring you something…” 



“Do you ever listen to me? I don’t want to do anything
with you alright, can’t you get it through your thick
head.” 



“Ok, that’s it. Where is this coming from? Why the
hell are you so angry at me?” 



“Since there are a multitude to pick from which would
you like to hear first, that I’m so angry at you for
not telling me you had quals, or that I’m sick and
tired of taking things at your pace, or that you lied
to me when you said you were ready to let go. I could
continue on and on but I’ll stop there.” 



“Damn it, I’ve tried to explain it to you but every
time I try you shut me down. I can’t understand why
you’re being so stubborn..” 



“Maybe it’s the fact that you knew for at least 3
months that you had quals that weekend and still
didn’t see fit to tell me. Weren’t you the one that
was preaching on and on and on about how we needed to
communicate and all that other crap. I’m tired of
hearing the same old lines coming out of your mouth
when you do nothing to back them up.” 



“Well I might have tried harder if you hadn’t been
acting like a rabid junkyard dog for the last few
weeks. I’ve admitted I was wrong, why can’t you just
see past your own feelings and get over it.” 



“Sorry that’s your deal. I refuse to ignore my
feelings for the sake of someone else any longer. I
won’t do it.” 



“Won’t do it because you’re acknowledging your own
feelings or because you feel an irrational need to
hang on to every bad thing that happens to you? That’s
selfish either way it goes.” 



“Selfish, you have the nerve to talk about selfish..” 



“You know I think this goes beyond my crash, you’re
not the only one that was worried about me, you’re not
the only one that had a bad life. You’re so wrapped up
in the little pity party you’ve been throwing yourself
that you can’t see beyond it.” 



“Why you arrogant..” 



“Don’t forget I know all about you. Poor little
abused, alcoholic Mac, who can’t see beyond her own
sad little drama to the people around her. Why don’t
you cry about it some more, make another excuse for
why your life is the way it is…” 



He realized the full impact of his words as he looked
at her face. He had let his anger get the best of him,
cloud his judgment and now he had hurt her. He watched
as a lone tear made it’s way down her cheek. 



“Mac, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…” 



“How dare you even presume to know what my life was
like. You have no idea what it’s like to live with
someone that for years, YEARS of your life made you
feel worthless, you have no idea what it’s like to
have your head bounced off a wall until you pass out,
to be beaten so badly that you had to stay home for a
week because the bruises were so bad. So don’t tell me
I don’t have the right to feel the way I do. That
makes you no better than my dad, and I’m tired of you
telling me how to feel.” 



“Mac, I’m not like your dad.” 



“Your not much different either, manipulating my
emotions. Is it nice to have someone at your beck and
call all the time? I nearly married another man
because you didn’t have the guts to say anything, but
when your ready to let go I’m supposed to jump at the
chance to be with the great Harmon Rabb right, but it
has to be on your terms. Do you know what, this isn’t
worth it, I’m going home. I’ll see you later.” 



As she left her words ran through his mind over and
over again. Was he really no better than her father?
For the first time in a long time Harm didn’t have the
answer, but he knew that he needed to figure it out
not only for himself but also for the woman who was in
so much pain because of him. 



** 



Friday July 6th, 2001

McMurphy’s Bar

Falls Church, Virginia 



As Harm stepped into the haze of the bar he came to
the realization that his life was pitiful. Three days
earlier he had hurt the person he loved most in the
world in a deep way. When looking back on the words
that came out of his mouth, he wondered what it was
that possessed him to say those things. He knew it
wasn’t because that’s truly how he felt about Mac. One
of the things that he admired most about her was that
she had survived a childhood so horrible he could
barely imagine it. 



But he knew what buttons to push, he knew exactly what
to say to hurt her and in an instant all the pain they
had inflicted on each other the last two years came to
a boiling point. If he thought that their friendship
had been damaged before, it now lay before him in
ruins. One thing he knew about Mac was that she had a
long memory and would never be able to forget what he
had said. Hell she remembered his comment about her
being a mean drunk even though she was inebriated.  



The more he thought about what she said, the more he
realized it was true. He had pushed her away for so
long and only acknowledged her feelings for him when
he was ready. He had sometimes used those feelings
against her to get what he wanted, and had apparently
pushed her to her breaking point. Harm realized that
he had expected her to wait in the wings until he got
his act together and decided to commit to her. 



As he was brooding he heard a familiar laugh from the
back of the bar. When he looked up he saw Mac firmly
entranced with a good-looking man. They were standing
a little too close together for her liking. He watched
as the man bent over and whispered something in her
ear, something which made her giggle and grab his hand
with the intention of leaving the bar. But they only
got as far as the bar when Harm’s voice stopped them. 



“Good evening Colonel” 



“Oh, hello Harm. I’d like to introduce you to… um…
what’s your name again?” 



“David” replied the tall blond man. 



“David, now if you’ll excuse us we were just leaving.”




“If you have a moment, I’d like to speak to you alone”
Harm said throwing a glare in the direction of the
other man. 



“No, we were just leaving” 



Taking her arm and guiding her to the other side of
the bar Harm sat her on one stool and took the one
next to it. 



“Mac, what the hell are you doing?” 



“Well right now I’m trying to leave with David so we
can go have sex. Is that all Commander?” 



“Have you been drinking?” 



“Nope and if you don’t believe me you can smell my
breath, now if you don’t mind I’d like to get back to
my friend over there.” 



“No, you’ve taken something. Why are you acting so
weird?” 



“Guess what HarmON, you don’t get to tell me what to
do, I’ve been of age for a long time now so I get to
do what I want when I want to do it.” 



“I’m just looking out for your best interests here.” 



“I think you’re just looking at for your best
interests. You can’t have me so you don’t want anyone
else to have me either. Now excuse me so I can get
back to my date.” 



“Mac don’t do this” 



“Screw you Harm” 



With that she walked up to David and out of the bar.
He couldn’t believe what had just happened. Even
though they were fighting right now, he assumed they
had an understanding. He wanted to be with her, and he
thought she wanted to be with him. It just further
reinforced what he already knew, Mac was slipping away
from him and there was nothing he could do about it. 



** 



Saturday July 7th, 2001

Mac’s Apartment

Georgetown 



She woke up alone late in the day. Next to her on the
nightstand was a note from what’s his name oh yeah
David  



Hey babe thanks for last night. You’re a blast. 



Damn it, it hadn’t been a bad dream. Whatever that
little pill he had given her was it had made her feel
strange. Every time he touched her, her skin tingled.
She hadn’t done anything like this in a long, long
time.  



She looked around her bedroom and noticed her clothes
thrown all over the room, and in the middle of the
floor a condom wrapper. Well at least I wasn’t stupid
enough to not protect myself she though. Her next
thought was Sarah the tramp strikes again.  



She vaguely remembered encountering Harm as she and
David left the bar. I should have listened to him. No
I shouldn’t have, I’m an adult and can do as I damn
well please. As she got out of bed she noticed the
protest from many of her muscles. What the hell did I
do last night? Oh well, whatever happened was done
now. 



As she stepped out of the shower she briefly
considered calling Harm, but quickly dismissed the
idea. The last thing she needed was his I told you so
attitude. So instead of picking up the phone she went
into the kitchen to make a pot of coffee. 



Just as she hit the button to start the coffee someone
knocked at her door. Walking to the door and looking
through the peephole she swore under her breath. How
did she know he was planning on showing up today?
Cursing herself she opened the door to Harm. 



“What?” 



“Well hello to you too. Did you just get up?” 



“Yes, is there a particular reason you’re here other
than to bother me?” 



“It’s 5 in the afternoon, why are you just getting
up?” 



“I was up all night screwing David’s brains out. What
do you want Harm?” 



“Well I came by to apologize but since your obviously
not going to listen to me as usual, I’m going to
leave.” 



“As usual, I’m not the only one that isn’t willing to
listen when the other talks. Hello pot my name is
kettle nice to meet you.” 



“You know there’s no reason for you to be a bitch. I’m
sorry you’re angry, I’m sorry I worried you but I
can’t do this anymore. I’ve tried to get through to
you but since you insist on being a jackass I’m done.
I can’t take any more hostility.” 



“You know I wouldn’t have to be hostile if you would
just understand why I’m so angry at you. I’ve tried to
explain it but apparently you didn’t hear me. It’s
like you intentionally disregard what I say for what
you want to think I think. You’re the first one to
talk about needing to communicate but yet you refuse
to listen.” 



“I’ve tried to listen, tried to be there for you but
you always try to push me away. I do understand, your
mad I didn’t tell you about quals before I left, your
mad that once again I chose flying over you, isn’t
that the gist of it.” 



“I’ve never said I was mad at you for flying…” 



“But that’s what it boils down to isn’t it. You’ve
been mad at me for 2 years because I left you to go
flying. That’s when all this started and you and I
both know it.” 



“You know I don’t think you truly do understand. I may
be poor, abused Mac but I have a right to feel sorry
for myself. Everyone I’ve ever loved has left, and you
did it without even considering how I felt. You didn’t
even have enough regard for me to tell me about your
eye surgery until weeks after it happened. But yet you
insist that you’re my best friend.” 



“I thought you understood…” 



“I think that’s the gist of the problem right there.
You thought I understood why you had to fly. You
thought I understood that you asked me to wait for you
in Sydney. You thought I would understand why you have
to keep your qualifications up. I don’t know if you
assume I can read your mind, because I can’t. If you
need me to understand what your doing you need me to
explain it because apparently I’m not good at reading
in between the lines you give me.” 



“Is that what you think, that I just feed you lines?” 



“Isn’t that what it is though? You go through all the
motions of being my friend but hasn’t anyone ever told
you that actions speak louder than words. You didn’t
bother to tell me about quals until the day you were
leaving, and then after I was worried that you were
never coming back you never came to talk to me, never
tried to explain.” 



“You know that street goes both ways don’t you Mac” 



“Why do I always have to be the one to reach out? It’s
been that way since we started out as partners. I’ve
always trailed after you like a puppy but you’ve never
done the same for me. Sure a couple of times you made
a token effort. I’m tired of being the one to reach
out. I’m sick of doing all the work in this
relationship.” 



“What am I supposed to do when all you do is push me
away? I can’t break down the barriers you’ve put
around yourself.” 



“Well then maybe we just need to cut our loses now and
bail out. They say that all good things must come to
an end, so maybe this is our end. I just know that I
can’t do this anymore. I can barely keep myself sane,
let alone trying to deal with all this that’s between
us. I don’t have the strength to fight you anymore
Harm. I’m barely staying afloat here.” 



“Why won’t you let me help you Mac? Why can’t you let
me inside?” 



“Because I can’t let you rescue me anymore. I need to
know I can do this on my own. You don’t know how easy
it would be for me to just let you solve all my
problems, but that doesn’t make them go away, if I
don’t deal with them myself they’ll only come back
again and again.” 



“But Mac I want to help you. I care too much to watch
you struggle so much. I need you in my life so badly
that I ache when I see you looking so alone and sad.
Please let me help you, let me be your lifeline. Don’t
you know that’s what friends do with each other? When
your down in that hole that’s too deep to get out of
by yourself I’ll either jump down there and be with
you or I’ll give you my hand so I can help you get
out.” 



“You have no idea how much I want your help, but right
now I can’t take it. I need to do this myself. But can
you promise me one thing?” 



“Anything” 



“If I do need help you’ll be waiting to give it to
me.” 



“I’ll wait for you forever, you know where I am if you
need me. And I also promise that this time I’ll listen
to you and what you say.” 



With that the two partners looked at each other with
tear-filled eyes. Finally breaking the contact Harm
walked to the door and closed it with a soft click.
Mac sat down thinking of whether the fight was worth
it or not, trying to decide if her future was worth
the fight that lay ahead. 



AN: Oh I know that was so evil. But there is going to
be a third story coming out God knows when that will
be titled Black and White, so look for it.

2: The line about the friend helping you out of the
hole by either jumping in or helping you help yourself
is an actual quote from my mother. She said that while
I was fighting my own demons and I thought it was the
perfect way to describe what our loved ones do for us
when times get rough.

3: For those of you not familiar with street drugs,
the drug that Mac took or was given was X or ecstasy,
one of the reasons people take it is because they say
that there’s a heightened sense of euphoria when
people touch you. So they say, I wouldn’t know from
personal experience. After the effects wear off,
people I’ve talked to said they couldn’t remember what
happened; something similar to an alcoholic blackout
occurs. Just a little bit of education.  



Thanks everyone for reading this. 



The End.