Here Without You Author: Liza Classification: Harm/Mac Rating: PG Spoilers: Back in the Saddle Summary: Harm and Mac's thoughts after their encounter in "Back in the Saddle" Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters I have taken the time to right about. This is purely for my personal entertainment and perhaps for the entertainment of the people who care to read this story. All of the characters belong to Paramount and that Bellisario guy. "Here Without You" is a song by 3 Doors Down. No copyright infringement intended. Author's note: I hear this song every morning before school. After the 50th time of hearing it, I wrote this song-fic. If you like it email me at BROADWAYSSTAR@aol.com ________________________________________________________________________ 2245 Eastern Mac's Apartment Georgetown I walk into my apartment, my tired vision too blurry to see strait, and I collapse on my couch after a most uneventful day. Scratch that. Today was probably the most eventful day of the past 5 months. I rub my eyes and unbutton my jacket. I thought it was over, that I was over him. But then I saw him today, looking gorgeously rugged in his civilian suit and all of my new found strength melted into a pool of nothing underneath me. I cursed myself for my vulnerability when it came to him. I swallow the lump in my throat and strip of my uniform as I make my way to the bedroom. I change into sweat pants and an exaggeratingly large Navy t-shirt. I stare down at it and I can't help but hate myself for the torture I'm putting myself through. Maybe the radio will calm me down, I think. Its pathetic how nurture the depressive mode I've suddenly fallen into. I sink down into my couch, clutching a pillow as I think of him again. 2245 Eastern Harm's Apartment North Union Station I realize that my finger has been flipping channels on its own when I feel the need to blink. I sigh and I check the clock on the wall for the time. I turn off my new TV and sit with my hands on my lap with nothing to do. I look at the phone and consider calling Catherine but decide against it. My mind keeps going back to her. Not Catherine but the woman that I hadn't seen in 5 months before last night, the woman who reappeared into my modified life and ruined all of my efforts to convince myself of my hatred towards her. But then I think about last night and how it felt to smell her familiar perfume after so long, how it chocked my good senses and made me fall into old emotional habits. I was bitter and harsh with her today and probably most of last night. She didn't seem to fight back and that is why I kept doing it, it angered me that she didn't put up a fight. It felt good to talk to her that way, to abuse her defenselessness. I disgust myself sometimes. I swallow the bile my thoughts cause and I turn on the radio for a distraction. A HUNDRED DAYS HAD MADE ME OLDER SINCE THE LAST TIME THAT I SAW YOUR PRETTY FACE A THOUSAND LIGHTS HAD MADE ME COLDER AND I DON'T THINK I CAN LOOK AT THIS THE SAME I don't know how I got to this point. Its pitiable really because I now realize how much I have hardened since the last time we had spoken. I feel myself colder than I used to be. I convinced myself that I hated her and that all she ever wanted was to hurt me, but that can't be farther from the truth. BUT ALL THE MILES HAD SEPARATE THEY DISAPPEAR NOW WHEN IM DREAMING OF YOUR FACE All of those feelings of contempt were lifted away from me when I saw her in my doorway last night, only to resurface again later on. 2246 Eastern Mac's Apartment Georgetown I'M HERE WITHOUT YOU, BABY BUT YOU'RE STILL ON MY LONELY MIND I THINK ABOUT YOU, BABY AND I DREAM ABOUT YOU ALL THE TIME Tears well up in my eyes as old feelings of longing and need come rushing back, overwhelming me in the most anguishing way. I look back at the last 5 months and for the first time I am able to admit that I miss him, that I need him. I'M HERE WITHOUT YOU, BABY BUT YOU'RE STILL WITH ME IN MY DREAMS AND TONIGHT, ITS ONLY YOU AND ME I still think about him and I wonder if he thinks about me. I can't help but believe that he doesn't even care anymore. I saw something different in his eyes last night, something that I couldn't recognize. But now it strangles me to the point of breathlessness, it was hurt. I am the source of that hurt and kill me to know that. THE MILES JUST KEEP ROLLING AS THE PEOPLE EITHER WAY TO SAY HELLO I HEAR THIS LIFE IS OVERRATED BUT I HOPE THAT IT GETS BETTER AS WE GO I can't stop the tears anymore and they don't seem to be showing any signs of stopping either. Since that last night in Paraguay, I allow myself to feel. It relives me like I never thought possible but it doesn't take away the worry that it will be like this forever. 2246 Eastern Harm's Apartment North of Union Station IM HERE WITHOUT YOU, BABY BUT YOU'RE STILL ON MY LONELY MIND I THINK ABOUT YOU, BABY AND I DREAM ABOUT YOU ALL THE TIME All of my anger turns into sadness when I comprehend how much I have hurt her. All I did in Paraguay was shove my good deeds in her face while never really giving her a chance to thank me. A wave of dizzy nausea passes over me when I think about all the cruel things I said to her today that went without rebuttal, just a faint look of hurt in her eyes. IM HERE WITHOUT YOU, BABY BUT YOU'RE STILL WITH ME IN MY DREAMS AND TONIGHT GIRL, ITS ONLY YOU AND ME I wonder if she thinks of me at all. I wouldn't blame her if she didn't; I've been such an asshole to her that she probably wants to erase me from her memory forever. But I can't do that with her, she signifies too much, she's done too much. 2247 Eastern Mac's Apartment Georgetown My breath quickens as my throat tightens painfully. All the repressed agony of the past months is too much to bear and I don't know what to do with myself. I grip the pillow until my knuckles turn white and I squeeze my eyes shut until they hurts. EVERYTHING I KNOW AND ANYWHERE I GO IT GETS HARD BUT IT WON'T TAKE AWAY MY LOVE My body convulses with sobs when I realize that despite my efforts, I am still in love with him. He hurts me like no one else can but I can't stop loving him because that is what I was born to do: to love Harmon Rabb. I love him like he is the only person in my universe. Every time I think about him my heart swells with misery because I can't have him. I can't stop loving him because he makes me want more of life, because he makes my world spin and because he means everything to me. No matter how much he hurts me I can't stop loving him because not loving him would hurt even more. 2247 Eastern Harm's Apartment North of Union Station AND WHEN THE LAST ONE FALLS WHEN IT'S ALL SAID AND DONE IT GETS HARD BUT IT WONT TAKE AWAY MY LOVE All of these months I have been desperately trying to convince myself that she was the cause of all of the torment in my life only to discover that I have never stopped loving Sarah Mackenzie. She fills my thoughts and haunts my dreams. My love for her will never cease because she is the world to me. Without her loyalty and friendship I don't know where I would be today. Her life may resume and she may go one loving someone else, but I will forever remember our time together and cherish it. 2248 Eastern Mac's Apartment Georgetown IM HERE WITHOUT YOU, BABY BUT YOU'RE STILL ON MY LONELY MIND I THINK ABOUT YOU, BABY AND I DREAM ABOUT YOU ALL THE TIME I lay back weakly against the pillows of my couch. I feel my drained body drifting off to sleep, to another dream about him and the life we could have had. The house we could have lived in, the children we could have had, the love we could have shared. I go peacefully because in my dream it will become a reality and this merely a thing of the past. I close my eyes and indulge in the sweetness of our love, if only for this moment. If only for tonight. 2248 Eastern Harm's Apartment North of Union Station IM HERE WITHOUT YOU, BABY BUT YOU'RE STILL WITH ME IN MY DREAMS AND TONIGHT GIRL, ITS ONLY YOU AND ME I lay half asleep on my bed, the thoughts of today not letting me rest. But tonight will be easier than most because I know what we had was real and I will indulge in that, if only for this moment. If only for tonight.