Title: Full of Grace

Author: Mary

E-mail address: mcarter857usa@netscape.net

Rating: PG-13 (some language, nothing strong)

Category: Angst

Spoilers: Anything up to the present

Disclaimers: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah blah

Summary: What happens when the world falls apart?

AN: Although this story gets its title from a Sarah
McLachlan song, it is not a songfic by any stretch of
the imagination. This is my attempt at an accurate
description of characters, and although we’d like to
imagine them as such the characters of JAG are not
characters they have been written and acted as complex
characters who make mistakes and are human. I hope
that this story portrays this accurately because
there’s nothing worse (in my opinion) than stories
that only show one side of a character. That’s enough
for now, more AN at the end.

Archive: yeah sure, if you’re so inclined, just tell
me where first

Feedback: I refuse to beg, I think it degrades a work,
but if you want to comment, good or bad it would be
welcome. Unlike other authors, flames are as welcome
as good positive feedback. 



** 



I feel just like I’m sinking, and I claw for solid
ground. I’m pulled down by the undertow. I never
thought I could feel so low. And, oh, darkness I feel
like letting go… 

Full of Grace- Sarah McLachlan 



** 



Wednesday, May 2nd, 2001

Mac’s Apartment

Georgetown 



She knew that this moment had been coming for months.
Just as surely as she knew the sun would rise in the
morning, she could feel the lethargy of depression
sneaking up on her. There was no way to stop it, at
least no way that she could see.  



Just one month earlier she had been happy, at least as
happy as she could be under the circumstances. She was
marrying a man who loved her, even if it wasn’t the
“man of her dreams” as Kate Pike had put it. She had
finally gotten her career on track and was again
advancing forward. Life was good for Sarah Mackenzie,
too good as she would soon find out. 



She had never had much happiness in her life, from the
time she could remember she was forced to endure her
abusive father and absent mother. To escape her
father, she slipped into the hands of an equally
abusive man and became firmly held under the spell of
alcohol. But she had managed to turn herself around
from the mistakes made as a drunken teenager and made
something out of her life. She was an officer in the
Marine Corps and a damn good lawyer. Not to say that
along the way there hadn’t been bumps, she had been
ridiculed in college and at law school. She had an
affair with a superior officer and failed to divorce
her deadbeat husband. 



She had suffered through more than most would be able
to take and she had survived. Not only had her life
continued but she had thrived, she had made a name for
herself personally and professionally. For the first
time in her life, Mac had felt as though she was
deserving of the happiness that seemed to surround
her. 



She had envied Bud and Harriet for so long, wanting
what they had, a good man and a family. For so long,
her hopes for that dream rest in the arms of a certain
naval aviator. But once again she was reminded what
happened when someone like her stepped over the line
and tried to grab happiness. She was reminded quite
harshly of this fact on a ferry in Sydney. Once she
realized that she had been rejected by the only man
who she wanted, she had decided to settle, no settle
was not the right word, she had accepted the man who
was not her first, or second, or third choice. 



Mic had promised what she had so desperately wanted.
Although she would like to think differently, she knew
that is was almost a necessity to marry, and Mic was
not a bad choice. But the cold, hard truth was that
she was not getting any younger and the more days went
by that she did not start a family the less likely
that family was to come about. 



She knew that she was being pressured by Mic from the
beginning. Contrary to what people may think, she knew
that he was manipulating her feelings. So she finally
gave in at Christmas and said yes to his proposal. And
then she had finally settled on a date. On May 26th
she would become Mrs. Michael Brumby and be able to
start work on that family. 



But on an unassuming Tuesday at the beginning of April
all of her dreams had been shattered. She had been
coming home early from an investigation and all she
wanted was to have Mic hold her and banish the
horrible pictures in her mind. Although they didn’t
live together, Mic spent a great amount of time at her
apartment, especially when she was out of town, so
that he could take care of Jingo. 



She had walked inside her door and kicked the shoes
that she had been wearing for close to 27 hours off
when she heard a noise from her bedroom, thinking it
was Jingo having a doggie dream she went to go check.
Once she opened the door to her bedroom she wished she
had not come home early. 



Lying in her bed was her fiancé and another woman, a
small petite blonde. As enraged as she had been she
had simply walked up and tapped Mic on the shoulder
and as calmly as she could told him to pack up his
things and be out of her apartment in an hour or she
would call the police. She had then left the scene of
the crime and walked in the park until the hour was
up.  



Mic was no longer there, but there was a note on her
vanity explaining that although he did love her he
loved Casey more and wanted an end to the engagement.
Could she please send the ring back? He wanted to
marry her as soon as possible. 



In just two hours the life of Sarah Mackenzie had been
turned upside down, and this time she wasn’t sure if
she could regain control. 



** 



Wednesday, May 2nd, 2001

Mac’s Apartment 

Georgetown 



As she sat on her couch that night, she decided two
things, one she most definitely needed a new bed and
two; she would not let anyone see her pain. It’s not
like anyone had any time to mourn her loss anyway. She
knew the group at JAG were her family and loved them
deeply but she didn’t want to burden them any more
than she already had.  



They all had lives, good, happy lives that didn’t
include a depressed Marine. She would just have to
keep all of her emotions under lock and key, not let
anyone know that she was hurting. 



If they asked, she would simply say that she and Mic
no longer wanted the same things and there would be no
wedding. It wasn’t the whole truth but she wasn’t
lying either. She just couldn’t take the stares and
whispers and the pity they would all feel for poor
Sarah. No, she didn’t need anybody and she needed to
be strong for everyone else. 



Once again, Mac buried her feelings so deeply inside
that they would never surface again. She didn’t want
to think about the feeling of betrayal and loss she
was feeling. Thinking about it, Mac realized that she
was more upset about what Mic’s betrayal meant rather
than the fact that he had done it and the feeling of
loss was not due to the departure of the Australian,
but more for the loss of the future that seemed so
certain only a scant few days before. What would
become of her now that she had lost the one thing
capable of giving her what she wanted? 



The next week had passed by in a flurry of new cases.
She hadn’t had time to sleep let alone stop and think
about her problems. Either no one had noticed the lack
of ring on her finger or they had simply chosen not to
comment. She was glad for this because she knew if she
had to endure the stares of pity that would be tossed
her way she would crack.  



She managed somehow to put on a brave front and not
allow the others to see her pain. She managed to
appear rested because of her liberal use of sleeping
pills that had been prescribed by her doctor to fight
the insomnia that would occasionally plague her.
Make-up and a very fake but well acted smile completed
the shield that she put around her. 



She had decided in the course of the week that she
would never allow anyone to get too close because in
the end she was always the one hurt. There was only so
much that the human heart and spirit could endure and
Mac was nearing the end of a very short rope.  



The cloud of pain that always seemed to be around her
now was almost suffocating. She was losing herself in
the feelings of pain and hurt that she was in denial
about having in the first place. She didn’t know how
to rescue herself from the dark place she was now
finding herself and truthfully didn’t know if she
wanted to escape. 



She had been in a place similar to this many years ago
after the fatal crash that took the life of her only
friend Eddie. She was drinking to escape, to feel free
of the pain that had been inflicted on her for years.
She knew that night that she was lost in the misty
haze of alcoholism and that she couldn’t save herself.
That time she had been rescued by her Uncle Matt, the
only person that truly cared for her or so she thought
at the time. 



This time, well this time there would be no one to
save her from the pain. She told herself that not only
did she need nobody but that she didn’t need to be
rescued. She realized that she was mildly depressed
but didn’t see her condition for what it was. Of
course, because of a spectacular acting job at work no
one else knew it either.  



She was always on guard, making sure the thin veneer
stayed in place at all times and she didn’t let anyone
see inside her carefully projected armor. She had
worked for years to open up to the people around her.
When she first started at JAG she had been closed off
and allowed people to only see the hard-assed image
she presented. But little by little she had allowed
the people working at JAG into her world, befriending
them and becoming like a family. 



Slowly, so that no one else would notice she had once
again closed herself off from everyone. She had
appeared to be the same open Mac that everyone knew
but she allowed less and less to penetrate her wall.
She still acted as A.J.’s loving godmother and as
friends to everyone in the office but as soon as she
went home she lost herself in the feeling of self-pity
that she knew so well. 



She was slowly sinking into an all-consuming darkness
and for the first time in her life Mac didn’t have the
strength or will to pull herself out. 



** 



Monday, April 30th, 2001

Harm’s Apartment

North of Union Station 



He had sat by and watched Mac disappear from the lives
of those around her for a month now. He knew that she
believed that no one saw how upset she was, but he saw
it. Although they had not been as close in the last
few months as they had been for years previous he
still paid careful attention to Mac. 



He watched her when she and others didn’t realize what
he was doing. He hadn’t been lying to her when he told
her after their return from the Minsk and the
Watertown when he said that he always knew where she
was. It was something that had developed out of many
years of sharing her life.  



He knew immediately when she walked into a room. Most
of the time the room became brighter to use a cliché,
but lately it was as though the brightness was gone
and now he could barely detect the presence of Mac
despite her physical proximity. 



He had noticed that Wednesday in early April when she
had come into work with eyes that were not only puffy
but had dark circles under them and with no ring on
her finger where it had rested for the last 3 months. 



His immediate reaction was to go and talk to her, but
that was before he realized that they no longer had
that type of relationship. He would see glimmers of
their former glory every once in a while but knew she
would only rebuff him and continue on her way. 



So he did the only thing he knew, he asked Harriet to
talk to Mac and find out about the ring. When she had
reported back Harm knew that Mac was lying. He knew it
would take much more than a disagreement about what
they mutually wanted for her to take that ring off of
her finger. 



But he had not pressed her; he knew that if she needed
and wanted to talks she would eventually make her way
to him. At least he hoped she would. So he had sat
silently by and watched one of the people he cared
about most in the world suffer knowing there was
nothing he could do about it. 



He was still dealing with the deep feelings of guilt
that he had caused more than a year before. She had
come to him and opened up her heart for him to see and
as usual he had run from the all-consuming emotional
attachment that commitment would bring. He loved her,
of that much he was certain, but when presented with
the fact he had turned tail and run. 



It was only several days later that clarity had come,
and that had been in the form of a large diamond on
Mac’s right hand and a goodbye kiss in the Sydney
airport. Mac wasn’t simply looking for a brief fling,
but a guarantee for the future, and once he had turned
her down she had gone straight to the person who
offered her what he could not. 



But time had passed and it seemed she had no intent of
moving the ring to her left hand and he was relieved.
He knew he was in no danger of losing her. But then at
the Surface Warfare Ball, Brumby had shown up and
declared that he had resigned from the RAN and moved
to D.C. to be closer to the woman he loved. 



It was then that he knew the battle was lost, or so he
had believed. She had a man that was willing to drop
everything in his life and move across the world to be
with his woman and he couldn’t even give up the ghost
of the past. 



But then he was forced to rethink this when Mac had
followed him to Russia once again. She had gone to
Chechnya in a cab to save him from himself once again.
She had been by his side after the discovery of his
brother. Then they had returned to D.C. and everything
had gone downhill from there.  



Bud and Harriet had lost little Baby Sarah, and later
found that her death could have been prevented. After
the horrible trial in which the doctor was found
innocent, he had found out that his brother was MIA,
and he had almost resigned his commission to go look
for him. She was there once again to pull him back
from the edge by telling him it was no time to be
making life-changing decisions. 



But then he found out that she had accepted Mic’s
proposal finally. Once again he resigned himself to
the fact that he and Mac would never be together. But
he had Renee, and while she was no Mac she was a good
woman and fun to be with.  



The final nail in the coffin came while he was having
strange hallucinations or fantasies or whatever you
wanted to call him. Mac and Mic had set a date. They
would be married in a few short months and he would
lose her forever. 



His reprieve from fate had come in early April, but
since then he had been confused as to how to handle
the situation. Mac acted as though nothing was wrong,
and in fact to everyone but him she appeared to be
normal, as normal as one can be when an engagement was
suddenly broken. 



He had seen her more than once staring out of the
window of her office into the beautiful spring days
with an _expression of profound sadness etched deep in
her face. For the first time since he had known her
Mac looked her age. Gone was the sparkle and hint of
mischief in her eyes. It was replaced with a look of
dull acceptance.  



But it was not only her eyes that worried him. She had
lost weight, and on her already trim figure it was
quite noticeable. Her hair was dull and sometimes
appeared mussed instead of the sleek way she normally
styled it. Her clothes had appeared winkled more than
not now. He knew he was losing her but he didn’t know
what to do. 



He knew he had to save her, but not for the first time
Harm didn’t know how to deal with Mac. He just knew he
couldn’t let her slip away from him again. He would
have to act and act soon. 



** 



Monday, April 30th, 2001

Harm’s Apartment

North of Union Station 



How was he going to manage to reconnect to Mac now
that she had slipped so far away from him? He had
tried before and failed miserably. He knew how he felt
about her and yet when confronted with it, he took the
easy way out and instead of being truthful he had beat
around the bush and lost her. 



Renee was a much easier choice than Mac was. There was
no risk of emotional involvement with her. Yes, she
could be fun most of the time, but there were times
when he wondered about his sanity after some of the
things she said. 



Although lately she had been hinting that she wanted
something more, actually she hadn’t just been hinting,
she’d been throwing big bricks at his head. But he
knew that he didn’t want a future with Renee. There
was only one woman that he could see having a future
with and right now she was so wrapped up in her own
pain that she couldn’t be reached. 



The more that he thought about it the more he realized
that it was time to let go, he wasn’t getting any
younger and now that he had the woman he wanted to
spend the rest of his life with he had to muster the
courage to go and talk to her. 



He had never been so scared in his life than he was at
this moment. What if she no longer wanted him? What
if.. what if a million different things? But the
loudest objection was is this the right time. Her
breakup with Brumby was a fresh wound and going to her
right now could damage their relationship even further
than it was now. 



Was he willing to risk it all? He berated himself for
his cowardice in the face of this challenge. How in
the world could telling Mac he loved her possibly push
her further away? But he knew why. Mac had the same
look on her face that she had when she had come to
JAG. Haunted by her past, and plagued by the inner
demons that told her she wasn’t worth anything.  



That same look was in her eyes again. She looked so
lost and dejected and like she doesn’t have a friend
in the world. He also knew why she hadn’t been
reaching out to anybody. Part of it was her pride; she
had too much pride and dignity to ask anyone for help.
Another part was that she didn’t feel she was worth of
any help.  



It was time for him to take action. He couldn’t let
her slip any further into the darkness than she
already was. But before he could go to her, he had to
close the door so to speak with Renee; he couldn’t go
to Mac still tied to her. He knew this would hurt her,
and he hated to hurt anybody but this was necessary.
He had to make Mac trust him again. Make her see that
others cared for her and wanted to help her. 



He took his jacket off the hook and went out the door,
ready to start a new life with the woman of his dreams
in it. 



** 



Wednesday, May 2nd, 2001

Mac’s Apartment

Georgetown 



Mac sat staring out into the darkness of the night not
knowing that Harm was standing on the other side of
her door unsure of how to go about this. Did he simply
talk to her straight and ask her what the hell was
going on? Or did he dance around the issue until she
was ready to open up? 



Mac was startled out of her morose thoughts by a knock
at the door. There was only one person who would show
up at her door at this time of night and she simply
wasn’t emotionally ready to talk to him. Her armor had
major chinks in it and she knew that he would try to
worm his way under it and into her mind. 



“Go away Harm, I don’t want to see you right now.” 



“No Mac, I’m not leaving. Your not going to push me
away again, so until you open this door I’m not going
anywhere.” 



“Fine, whatever come in, I’m going to bed.” 



The door opened and before he closed it he heard the
slam of her bedroom door and the click of the lock.
She knew what he had come over for and she had no
intention of hearing it. She had heard from Harriet
that he had broken up with Renee several days ago and
wasn’t yet ready to accept the pity love that Harm was
intending to give. 



“Harm, I’m tired. Why don’t you go home and we’ll talk
later?” 



“You know, it’s always later with us and I’m getting
tired of it.” 



“Your tired of it. I tried to move on to later a year
ago, or don’t you remember that? Or do my words and my
heart mean so little that you’ve already forgotten?” 



“Mac, how could I forget the single biggest mistake
I’ve ever made in my life? Your right, you did try to
move forward and I wasn’t listening. But I’m listening
now, and I’m ready to let go.” 



“Well I’m happy for you. But I don’t want any part of
your letting go. You made it all to clear to me how
you felt. I have my own life now and you’re not a part
of it. You threw me out when you left for flying and I
tried to get it back but you blew me off again. So you
can take your self-righteous self and leave my home
now.” 



With the words ringing in his ears he heard her slump
against the door and start to cry. All the guilt he
had felt in his life paled in comparison to how he
felt at this moment.  



He knew that this was going to be hard, but he had
never imagined that she would reject him. He knew she
was feeling bad but he no idea how bad. Why did he
ever think that all it would take would be a few
pretty words and she would fall into his arms and all
would be right in the world? 



Although all that separated them was a thin wood door,
the distance was daunting, and neither knew if they
could overcome it. 



** 



Wednesday, May 2nd, 2001

Mac’s Apartment

Georgetown 



“Mac, I have no idea what you’re feeling right now,
but please talk to me. You’ve helped me so many times
before and now it’s my turn, please Mac.” 



The only sound that came from behind the closed door
was the muffled sound of Mac’s sobbing. He didn’t know
if she couldn’t hear him through the haze of her pain
or if she simply chose to ignore him. 



“Listen Mac, I can’t sit here and listen to you cry,
it hurts too much. I’m going to leave now like you
wanted. But please Mac; if you don’t talk to me then
please talk to someone. Talk to Harriet, Bud, I don’t
care, just please don’t hold all of this in. I just
want you to know that I care about you Marine. I’m
leaving now.” 



After this Mac heard the door quietly shut and
realized that Harm was gone. Why did he have to do
this now? Now, when she was feeling her lowest? She
knew that all he wanted to give her was his pity and
that she couldn’t handle. 



She wondered why her feelings for him were still so
strong for him after all this time. Why did she still
have to love him after everything they had done to
each other? Not for the first time in her life Mac
wondered if she was ever meant for happiness. This was
her last thought before falling into a fitful sleep. 



** 



2 Days Later

Jag Headquarters

Falls Church, Virginia 



Instead of looking better as he anticipated, Harm
noticed that if possible Mac looked even worse. She
had apparently given up the ghost and quit trying to
hide the deep black circles under her eyes and the
paleness of her skin. He knew that something had to
give. He wasn’t willing to allow her to lose herself
when there were so many people around her that cared
for her.  



He also knew that right now she couldn’t see past her
own suffering to all the people that cared for her.
The Admiral had even noticed and had called him into
his office to question him about it. He had covered
for her and said that she was stressed over a major
case and the departure of Brumby from her life and
that was all. 



Although he had a fear that she would react like a
cornered animal and attack him Harm knew he had to
confront Mac and do something to help her. He knew for
a fact that she was working late and so was he, so he
made a tenuous plan to talk to her after everyone else
had left. 



Several Hours Later 



The only light on in the office besides his was the
small desk lamp that was on in Mac’s office. In the
light of the small light she looked like a ghost. The
sight of her looking so small and vulnerable broke his
heart once again. But he knew if she even saw a hint
of pity in his eyes she would run. 



“Mac, hey you’ve been at this for hours, you want to
stop and get something to eat?” 



“No, Commander I’m not hungry” was the terse reply. 



“You, not hungry, boy something must really be wrong.
Mac please I’m begging you to talk to me. What’s going
on? You look like your going to disappear any second.”




The whispered response was nearly enough to break both
office protocol and their own personal rules about
touching.  



“What if I want to disappear?” 



Instead of replying, he simply stood there and let her
know in no uncertain terms that she was going to talk
to him and tell him what was going on. She briefly
thought of lying to him but then decided against it. 



“I’m sure that you heard that Mic and I are no longer
getting married.” 



“So they say, I take it there’s more to this story
that people are saying.” 



“Well, what they aren’t saying is that I came home to
find Mic in bed with someone he was with in Australia
and when I came home after giving him time to get out
I found a letter that said he had no intention of
marrying me now that Casey was back in his life and it
was actually her he wanted to marry. Last I heard, he
moved back to Australia with her.” 



“Oh, Mac…” 



“Don’t oh Mac me. I don’t want your pity. That’s why I
didn’t tell you in the first place.” 



“I don’t want to give you pity. I was going to say oh
Mac, do you want me to go kick his ass for you.” 



“No, I don’t want to ever hear mention of the name of
Mic Brumby ever again. It’s just that I should have
known that something like this was going to happen. I
am not meant for happiness and this is just one more
thing that proves it.” 



“How can you say that? After everything you’ve been
through in your life, happiness is all that you
deserve. It’s not your fault. And why Mic would give
up someone as brilliant and beautiful as you is beyond
me. If you were mine…” 



When he stopped he realized what he had just said.
Wondering if he had crossed the line, he looked into
Mac’s face and saw the tears running down her face. 



“M..Mac, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you cry. I’m
sorry if I upset you.” 



“Did you mean what you said? That you think I deserve
happiness? You… you think I’m beautiful?” 



“Yes, I meant it. Damn, Mac you’ve survived so much in
your life. Don’t let Mic Brumby do this to you. He’s
crazy not to see what’s right in front of him. You are
so much more than you know. You mean so much to me,
you’re my world and I…, you know it’s sad when a
lawyer can’t communicate with the most important
person in the world.” 



He felt her finger on his lips and looked hopefully
into her eyes. 



“Just take your time. Get your head together and start
over again. I’m here and I’m really going to listen
this time instead of hearing what I want to hear.” 



Holding her wrist he began “Mac, your such a special
person and I can’t stand to see you like this anymore.
I made a mistake a year ago on that ferry. I don’t
know what you walked away thinking, but I don’t think
it’s what I wanted to get across. I was trying to say
that I needed time, and now that I’ve had it, I’m
finally ready, I’m tired of living like this without
you in my life. I’m tired of pretending that I don’t
need you.” 



“Well, sailor, I think that came out right. I want you
to hear me right now, so there are no
misunderstandings later ok. I feel the same way as you
do. I need you and your strength more than you know.
But right now isn’t the time for us. I have some
things that I need to work through and although you
can help, I have to do this for myself. I want to see
what we have between us, see if it leads where I think
it will go. But I warn you; it’s not going to be easy.
You have way too much power to break my heart and we
both need to work on talking to each other. Right now,
I need you to understand that there are still things
that stand in between us right now, but I promise you
that soon it’ll be our time.” 



“I know Mac, just know that I’m here for you and that
I’ll be waiting when you’re ready. For right now, I’m
going to be your friend and stand by your side.” 



With that the healing that was so desperately needed
between the two had finally begun. And although the
road ahead would be hard for both, they both knew in
the end it would be worth it. 

 



AN: Yeah so sue me, I’m a sap for semi-happy endings.
Don’t worry though, not everything is simply solved by
one 

conversation, I’m not quite that sappy. I’m thinking
of writing a sequel, do you think it’s worth my effort
or should I just leave it alone and move on? Thanks to
everybody who has read this far and given me all the
encouraging feedback that I received. You are all
wonderful. And that’s it, it’s the end. Bye bye. 



The End