TITLE: Four Stories, Part 2: Heaven To No One Else NAME: Nana Syvenky AUTHOR: nS RATING: PG SPOILERS: Up to and including "Touch and Go" DISCLAIMER: These characters are not mine, yada yada yada, but I still enjoy toying with them SUMMARY: "...i believe this heaven to no one else but me and i'll defend it long as i can be left here to linger in silence; if i choose to would you try to understand..." NOTES: This is the second songfic (in a series of 4). This story was written based on Sarah MacLachlan's "Elsewhere". I've paraphrased a "Fishism" (from Ally McBeal), and also the talk radio part from an old show "Midnight Caller". Thanks to Jessie, for being my personal guinea pig and putting up with me and my thoughts. :) FEEDBACK: Always welcome. ******************************************************************************** Heaven To No One Else "Goodbye, Harm." Those were her last words before Renee Petersen walked out my door and out of my life. I can't say I'm devastated but a tinge of sadness has taken residence in my heart. I had enjoyed her company. I liked her. I maybe even loved her. However, I was never in love with her. I've never felt for her the passion that I've felt for other things and people in my life. I don't feel like sitting alone in my apartment and ruminating about another failed relationship or about my life choices in general. So I grab my jacket and go to the one place where I've found comfort most of my life. "Well, Dad, chalk another one up on my list of failures," I say to the name that I carry for as long as I exist. I smile wryly and know that he's there. Listening. I know that if he were here with me now, he would never judge me. He would never criticize me. He would never be disappointed. He would only expect me to be honest. He's the only one I can be honest with, even if I'm not honest with myself. I back away from the wall and sit down on the cold bench in front of it. It's quiet tonight and I'm pretty much alone save for the sleeping form about twenty feet away. A homeless person. Maybe an unfortunate veteran who came back to no family and a world that wouldn't accept him, even though he fought for it's freedom. This thought saddens me more. I turn my attention back to the Wall. "Have I wasted my life?" I ask quietly into the night. God, I sound like I'm going through a mid-life crisis. Maybe I am. --Do you not enjoy what you're doing?-- I hear the question deep in my soul. "Of course I enjoy my job. I consider myself lucky for having had two careers, both of which have allowed me to pursue my passions - flying and helping people. It's just that I've always felt some guilt for doing what I do," I answer. --What kind of guilt?-- the voice asks me. "When I told Mom that I was going to be a Naval Aviator, she supported me, but I knew she didn't want me to follow your footsteps. She had lost you and she didn't want to lose me too. But she understood that I had to live my life the way I felt was right for me, even though it wasn't what she wanted," I explained. "Then when I left JAG to go back to flying, I saw the same look in Mac's eyes as I did in Mom's. It tore me apart but I was too hell bent on proving that I was my father's son that I went anyway." --You are your father's son. You're a better aviator than I ever was.-- I smile a little, wondering what it would've been like to fly with him. "Somehow I doubt that. You know, I felt guilty for going back to JAG again. I felt like I had let you down. Truth be told, I was afraid that I'd never be able to live up to your reputation. So I went back to doing what I knew I could be good at and to step out of your shadow. I'm sorry I disappointed you," I said, confessing these feelings for the first time. --Harm, you could never disappoint me, you know that.-- "I know. I just still feel like I might have sometimes." --Your Mom, she's much happier now about mock trials instead of Mach speed.-- I close my eyes and smile and nod. I can picture them together, remembering when I was a kid, Dad would turn on the radio and pull Mom into his arms and start dancing with her. They were so happy together. Would I ever find that happiness? --That depends on you.-- The answer comes to me even though I never said anything out loud. "Depends on me to stop being a serial monogamist?" I ask, chuckling softly. "You know, I get into these relationships with these women even though I know it will never be for the long run. It's not healthy. Not for them, not for me. It's like, subconcsiously I get involved in relationships that I know won't last. It's a destructive path and I'm not quite sure how to get off at the next stop." --Maybe you're just afraid of being alone.-- He knows me too well. Better than I know myself. "I guess I should grow up and learn to be not so co-dependent anymore," I suggest. --Remember what you just said. You've got to live a life that's right for you and only you know how to do that.-- "You're not going to make this easy are you?" I ask with a smile, shaking my head slightly. --Of course not. You're a Rabb, you wouldn't want it any other way.-- I can see him smirking, and I know he's right. I never did like doing things the easy way. "Goodnight, Dad," I say as I stand up. "Thank you." I head home to my apartment and dread the thought of sleeping in an empty bed. Like I said, I enjoyed Renee's company. I get home and am greeted by darkness and silence when I open the apartment door. "Suck it up, Rabb. You can handle this," I tell myself. I hang up my jacket and sit down on my couch, not sure of what to do. I'm not quite tired to go to bed, but don't exactly have the energy to go for a run. Besides, it's almost 2 am and I still have to go to work tomorrow. Then a whole weekend to be by myself. Great. I listen to the silence that surrounds me. It finally dawns on me the degree to which I fear being alone. I realize that even through all the relationships I've ever had, I've always been alone. Being with someone else just made it less quiet and more bearable. "You're a sad case, Harmon Rabb," I tell myself. I stand up and decide to tidy up the kitchen a bit, but before I do so, I turn the radio on. I can't jump into this quiet solitude right away. I need to ease into it. Besides, being alone doesn't mean being silent. "Welcome back to the show. Tonight has been a free-for-all night so we'll talk about whatever you want. The number is 555-TALK and dial carefully because unlike us, some people do sleep at this hour," the voice came through the stereo. "John, from Arlington. What's going on?" Talk radio. Hm. Renee must've been listening to that station before I came home tonight. I take the dirty dishes from the sink and put them into the dishwasher "Hey Mike, thanks for taking my call," the caller says. "Sure. What's on your mind?" the host asks. "Say, Mike, are you a devout Christian?" the caller asks. Sounds like Mike is going to be asked to convert. "What do you mean by devout, John?" Mike asks him in reply. "Well, do you practice premarital sex?" John clarifies. "Like they say, John, practice makes perfect," Mike answers him, "We'll take one more call tonight and wrap it up. Bradley in Georgetown, you're on the air." I think I could handle listening to this show. Too bad it's ending. "Hi Mike. Love the show," Bradley in Georgetown says. "Thanks, Bradley. What's up?" Mike asks. "I went through a major breakup with a girl about 6 months ago. Since then, I've dated quite a lot of other girls and stuff and my friends don't think that it's healthy. They tell me that I'm trying to hide from dealing with the breakup. What do you think?" Bradley explains. What is this - Dear Abby? I finish with the dishes and wipe down the counter. "Have you slept with these other girls?" Mike questions. "Yes." "I'd say your friends are right. You're not dealing with the breakup because you don't want to face being alone, but c'mon, man, do you actually feel better after sleeping with these other girls - and I don't mean phyiscally because of course it feels good physically - but I mean mentally. Do you feel less alone when you date these girls? Or does it just feel worse the day after?" Mike asks, without sugar coating anything. "You're right, it feels worse. It's just - I'm scared of being alone," Bradley confesses quietly. "It's okay to be scared, but don't run away from it. Being alone isn't that bad. You don't have to answer to anyone, or be home at a certain time. You can do whatever you want, anywhere you want. By nature, humans are selfish. Being alone allows you to indulge in that bit of selfishness for awhile until we're ready to be un-selfish again. Trust me, it'll be a good growing experience. Goodnight, Bradley," Mike tells him with such conviction that I believe he's been through this himself. "Well folks, the end is here. Another night and another show wrapped up. It's been fun," Mike says, "And remember, an empty bed is not empty if you're sleeping in it. Goodnight, Washington." With that, I turn the radio off and head to bed, Mike's words ringing in my ears. An empty bed is not empty if I'm sleeping in it. -------- (Two weeks later.) The past two weeks have been hell. I avoided the loneliness as much as possible by staying at the office, working until 2100 or 2200 hrs, followed by a visit to my father, some aimless driving around before heading home and going straight to bed. Bud enjoys the fact that I'm more than prepared for our cases and the Admiral loves it that I have my reports in early. However, I know he suspects something is wrong because tonight, at 1700, he calls me into his office and orders me to go home and to not show my face at the office again until 0900. I leave the office and sit in my SUV wondering what the hell I'm supposed to do. I decide to go home, change and go to McMurphy's for a drink and a bite to eat. Eating out by myself. Just the thought of it turns my stomach. Well, at least with McMurphy's it'll be familiar surroundings I try to tell myself as I drive towards my apartment. I'm not so sure if that thought should be comforting or not. -- I enter the bar, and just my luck, there are no vacant booths. I proceed to the bar and sit on a barstool. "Hey blue eyes, what can I get for you?" the bartender asks me. "Hi Lucy. I'll have a pint of Guiness and a Caesar salad, please," I tell her and smile at her use of her nickname for me. She's the only one who's ever called me that and surprisingly, I don't mind it. "By yourself tonight, Commander?" she asks, pouring me my beer. "Yup, flying solo tonight," I answer and smile. Hm. That wasn't so hard. "There you go, blue eyes," Lucy says placing my beer on the bar, "I'll bring that salad out in a couple of minutes." I thank her and take a drink from my glass. Maybe this wasn't such a bad idea after all. My salad comes and I'm content to quietly eat, drink and watch the tv. As soon as Lucy takes my plate away, I hear a familiar voice beside me. "This seat taken?" "It is now," I answer without looking away from the tv but then turn and look over as she sits down and smile. "Hi, Mac, what are you doing here?" I ask her after she orders a Virgin Mary. "Actually, I was looking for you," she says. "I tried the Wall and obviously you weren't there." "I don't go to the Wall until later at night," I tell her. I become concerned as to why she would be looking for me. "Something wrong?" "You tell me, Harm," she says, folding her arms on the bar, leaning onto it. "What do you mean?" I ask, finishing my beer and ordering another. "I mean, for the past couple of weeks, I couldn't help but notice that you're there when I get to work and you're still there when I leave, and I leave later than most people," she explains, accepting her drink from Lucy. "I've also called you a few times at home after work but you're never there." "I've been working late," I reply simply. "Yes, we've established that," she says, and I can see her trying to keep herself from throttling me and my simple answers. I've got to admire her for putting up with me and for simply caring enough to track me down. "Renee and I broke up a couple of weeks ago," I finally tell her. She deserves the truth. "Oh, I'm sorry," she says, slightly taken aback, surprised that I would offer such information willingly. Ever since I left JAG to fly again, we haven't really been quite open with each other as we used to be. I want to rectify that. I want that friendliness and openness we used to have with each other again. It was one of the things that was right in my life and I want it back. "You never liked her, so no, you're not sorry," I say, and see her open her mouth to say something but nothing comes out. "But don't worry, neither am I." "Are you okay?" she finally asks. "I will be," I simply tell her. "Harm, I'm not sure I understand," she says, "You say you're not sorry, but..." "I'm not sorry, but it still makes me sad, Mac," I explain. "But don't worry, I'm not going to jump into another meaningless relationship to get over her or anything." Mac gives a small chuckle. "So what are you going to do?" "Well, I'm going to learn to be alone, as strange as that may sound," I answer and take a drink from my new beer. "It doesn't sound strange at all," she says with a smile and we continue to drink our drinks in a comfortable silence that we haven't shared in a long time. -- "I did it, Dad. Ate dinner by myself at McMurphy's. Not such a big deal but it is for me. Baby steps, you know?" I say sitting on the bench that has become a second home to me for the past couple of weeks. --I'm proud of you, son. I know it's not easy.-- "Mac came by near the end of the dinner though, so I wasn't alone the entire time," I confess. --A man still needs his friends.-- "A friend she is. A good friend. She was concerned about me. Can you believe that? She's got wedding plans to take care of, yet she notices enough to be concerned about me," I say, amazing myself again at the kindness and thoughtfulness of Sarah MacKenzie. --She's a special one.-- "We're not going there tonight," I warn him. --Whenever you're ready, Harm.-- I smile. "Goodnight, Dad." ------- ( Two weeks later) "I've been spending more and more time at home now. This past weekend, I actually sat around and read a book," I brag like a 5 year old after his first day of school. The first two weeks had been hard, but since that night at McMurphy's it gradually got easier. --That's great. It gets easier doesn't it?-- "Yeah, it does. And I'm not afraid of the silence anymore either," I say, leaning back as I sit on the bench and stretch out my legs, crossing them at the ankles. "You know, ever since Mom found out that it was over between me and Renee, she's been asking about Mac a lot," I tell him. --She just wants to see you happy. Like I've said before, Mac is a special woman.-- "Apparently Mom's not the only one who wants to see me happy," I chuckle, unfolding my arms and stuffing my hands in my jacket pockets. "I am happy, Dad. I know it's hard to explain. Not many people would understand how I can be happy when someone I care about is going to marry another man." --'Care about' is an understatement. Don't you mean someone you love?-- "Po-tay-toe, po-tah-toe," I reply flippantly and then sigh. "She accepted his ring. She wouldn't have if she didn't love him. Remember we talked about living life how we want to, doing what's right for us? I want her to do what she feels or thinks is right for her. I don't want her to not marry Brumby because of something I said. I'd rather stand by in silence and still have my friendship with her than to say something and lose her and her friendship forever. You know what I mean, Dad?" --I think so. It's quite noble of you to sacrifice your own feelings.-- "Not so noble. I'm only looking out for myself here. I won't say anything to interfere with her life so that I don't lose her for good. The way she smiles, they way she reaches out and touches my arm when she's concerned about me, her laughter. I don't want to live without those things. So I hold my tongue and just enjoy what I have. It's a strange heaven, but it's heaven to me," my heart pours out. God, when did I get so dramatic? --I understand now.-- I let out a long breath. "I hope she does too." ************************************************************************ Elsewhere - Sarah McLachlan i love the time and in between the calm inside me in this space where i can breathe i believe there is a distance i have wandered to touch upon these years reaching out and reaching in holding out, holding in i believe this is heaven to no one else but me and i'll defend it long as i can be left here to linger in silence if i choose to would you try to understand? i know this love is passing time passing through like liquid i'm drunk in my desire but i love the way you smile at me i love the way your hands reach out and hold me near. i believe, i believe this is heaven to no one else but me and i'll defend it long as i can be left here to linger in silence if i choose to would you try to understand? ooh, the quiet child awaits the day that she can break free the mold that clings like desperation mother, can't you see i've got to live my life the way i feel is right for me, might not be right for you but it's right for me i believe this is heaven to no one else but me and i'll defend it long as i can be left here to linger in silence if i choose to would you try to understand it? i would like to linger here silence if i choose to, would you understand it? would you try?