Title: Finding The Way 

Author: Lisa Mendell

E-mail:  JAGFanWriter@netscape.net

Rating: PG 13 for dramatic plot

Classification: Story, H/M Shipper

Summary: Mac is the one to take care of Harm, but is he dealing with 
all that happened in a healthy way? 

Disclaimer: The characters belong to Don Bellisario & co. I am just 
borrowing them for entertainment purposes. No infringement intended.

Spoilers: “Adrift II”

Author’s Notes: The dates used are approximate. Thank you to everyone 
who helped me keep writing this and to all who gave constructive 
feedback. You know who you are.  =)

Feedback is welcome. Please send it to harm_mac_4ever@yahoo.com or 
JAGFanWriter@netscape.net

FINDING THE WAY

June 5, 2001
1300 Hours
Harm’s Apartment

“Thank you for last night, Mac,” Harm said with a sigh as he scooted 
off the couch and sat up.

“No, thank *you* for last night. I should have known coming to you was 
the right thing to do.”

“You’re welcome. That’s what friends are for right?” he said with a 
grin.

“Right,” she said with a smile of her own. Switching subjects, she 
asked, “Where’s Renee?”

“I’m not really sure to be honest. I think when she realized you needed 
me, she figured it would be best if she stayed away,” he said quietly, 
a wave of pain hitting him.

Mac saw the pain played out on his face and immediately went to him. 
“Are you all right?”

“Well, I satisfied the doctors, but it still hurts. I’m getting too old 
to eject from planes,” he said with a soft chuckle.

“I don’t believe that one, sailor.”

“It’s mainly cuts and bruises. Not to mention my ribs hurt like heck 
and I think I swallowed more than my fair share of sea water,” he added 
as he started coughing.

“Woah, easy Harm,” Mac said gently.

“I’ll be okay, Mac.”

“You sure?” she asked with concern.

“Yeah, I’m sure. If I’m ever not you’ll be the first to know.”

“I’ll hold you to that, Harm.”

He was in another place and time. Mac’s saying those words triggered 
his time in sick bay when Skates had said that to him as he was on the 
edge of life and death. He could hear her talking to him, but it felt so 
safe where he was. He had to fight - if not for himself - for Mac.

“Mac,” he said quietly when he’d returned to the present.

“Right here, Harm. I thought I’d lost you for a moment there.”

“You did,” he said quietly.

“What do you mean?”

“I’m having flashbacks to that night when they found me in the water. 
The nightmares won’t stop haunting me.”

“We’ll get through this, Harm,” she said reassuringly.

June 12, 2001
1145 Hours
JAG HQ

He thought he was ready to be back at JAG. What a joke that was. He was 
still plagued by nightmares in the night and day, Mac was taking care 
of him, and his body still hurt. It was the nightmares and his fears 
that scared him the most.

“Hey sailor,” Mac said as she stood in his doorway.

“Hey yourself,” he replied with a half-hearted smile.

“Ready to go to lunch?”

“Oh yeah! I’m starving and I swear if I have to look at one more file, 
I’ll scream.”

“Come on then. I’ve got the perfect place.”

“Ooh, where. . .where?” he said excitedly.

“No, don’t think I’ll give in that easily mister. It’s a surprise.”

“You’re no fun, you know that?” he said, defeated.

“Sure I am.”


Tony’s Café
1230 Hours

“So tell me, Harm, how are you?”

“If you knew what a loaded question that was, you wouldn’t have asked 
it,” he said irritably.

“All I want is the truth,” she said as she reached across the table and 
put her hand on his, giving it a squeeze.

“Physically, I’m getting better every day. Emotionally, I’m a wreck. I 
can’t sleep. Any sleep I do get is fitful and the nightmares start. 
Then I wake up screaming.”

“Let me stay at your place, Harm. I could be there for you when the 
nightmares come,” she said softly.

“No, Sarah, I can’t do that to you. I won’t do that,” he said 
emphatically.

“Please, Harm. If you don’t want me at your place then come to mine. I 
don’t want you to go through all of this alone,” she pleaded as she 
looked intently into his blue green eyes. She saw so much hurt and pain 
there that she wanted to cry.

“This is my battle, Mac, not yours. You’ve already done so much for me. 
How can I ask you to do this?”

“You’re not asking, I’m offering. I can do this for you. Together we 
can make it, Harm. I know it. What do you say?”

“All right,” he said reluctantly. He added, “But I want you at my place 
instead.”

“Hey, that’s fair enough. Thank you,” she said with a smile.

“I suppose you’re welcome.”

1930 Hours
Harm’s Apartment

Harm got up slowly from the couch when he heard the knock on his door. 
Despite the pain in his ribs and back, he found himself feeling good; 
better than he’d felt earlier in the day. He smiled as he opened the 
door and looked at his partner. She really was beautiful. Not that he 
hadn’t noticed before, but the recent events in his life had made him 
appreciate the little things.

“Hi, Harm,” Mac said easily as she plopped her overnight bag next to 
the sofa.

“Hey, Mac,” he replied as he came to stand beside her.

“How are you doing now?” she whispered as she reached out and traced 
the ever-fading scar on his forehead.

“Better now that you’re here,” he said, his breath ragged. It was 
amazing that he could form any coherent thoughts as Mac traced the faint 
scar on his forehead. He had to admit she had quite the touch.

“I’m glad sailor. Mind if I shower and change?” she asked hesitantly.

“No, go right ahead. There’s some towels in the cabinet in the 
bathroom. Help yourself.”

“Thanks.”

He walked to his bedroom and laid on the bed. He could see Mac through 
the glass blocks of the shower and hear the steady spray of water as 
she showered. Thoughts of her wrapped in a towel ran through his mind, 
but he pushed them away. It was true he cared about her and they were 
slowly becoming more than friends, but he wasn’t about to envision her in 
only a towel.

Not long after he’d dismissed those very thoughts, out came Mac wrapped 
in a towel. He couldn’t help but smile at her.

“Something amusing sailor?” she asked with a smile.

“You in a towel,” he said with a chuckle. “I had to make sure I wasn’t 
losing it,” he added hastily.

“You mean to tell me you’ve had visions of me in a towel?” she said 
with a nervous laugh.

“If it was anyone else, I wouldn’t admit it, but yeah, I have.”

“You never cease to amaze me, Harm. Wonder what other secrets you’ve 
been hiding.”

“I’m not sure I’m ready to share all of those just yet marine,” he said 
with a tired sigh.

She picked up on his sigh and went to the corner of the room to change 
into her pajamas. He didn’t watch her, but as soon as she was dressed 
she sat on the edge of his bed. 

“Tired are you?” she asked quietly. His back was to her and she 
unconsciously started rubbing it.

“Yeah,” he whispered. “Mmm that feels good, Mac. You have a wonderful 
touch.”

“Thanks. I just thought maybe it would help ease some of the tension.”

“It is helping. Don’t stop,” he pleaded.

She laid down beside him and continued the massage. She was glad that 
it was helping him, and she could feel the tension leave his tight 
muscles as she worked her magic on them.

“Hey, Harm,” she whispered, “I don’t mean to make you get up, but do 
you think you could get up so we can pull the covers down?”

“Sure,” he replied, turning over and sitting up.

In a short time, they had the covers down and were comfortable once 
again. Mac continued her massage until Harm fell asleep. She then snuggled 
up against him, falling asleep shortly.

June 13, 2001
0345 AM

The nightmares were plaguing him again. He was asking for Mac but no 
one would let him see her. It agitated him to the point that he woke up 
screaming.

“Mac! Mac!” he screamed piercingly, bolting upright and grabbing the 
covers into a tight ball in his fist.

It immediately woke Mac from a peaceful sleep. His scream frightened 
her so much that she could feel the hairs stand up on the back of her 
neck. She couldn’t recall hearing a scream filled with that much terror.

“Harm,” she whispered as she pulled him to her and held him, “I’m right 
here. It’s all right now.”

He lifted his head up and looked at her with the terror still evident 
in the deep blue pools of his eyes. He was apparently unaware that Mac 
was holding him.

“Mac,” he whispered. 

“Harm, it’s Mac,” she said. “Look at me please.”

“Mac,” he repeated, turning to look at her.

“Yeah, I’m here. It’s all right now.”

He relaxed instantly and laid back down. “No one would let me see you,” 
he said shakily.

“Talk to me, Harm,” she whispered.

“I’m scared, Mac. What I mean when I say no one would let me see you is 
that I kept asking for you and no one would get you. I tried to get up 
but there were all these wires in me and I couldn’t move. I needed to 
see you. . .I needed to see you,” he said while choking back tears.

“I’m here now, Harm,” she said as she snuggled closer to him.

“I hope it will always be that way,” he whispered.

“Me, too. Try to go back to sleep for a while. The admiral will have 
our heads if we don’t show up or if we’re tired he’ll know that, too,” 
she added with a smile.

0730 Hours

“Hey sleepy head,” Mac said quietly as she planted a soft kiss on 
Harm’s forehead.

“Mmm, hi, Mac,” he replied with a yawn as he turned over to look at 
her.

“Hi yourself sailor. I think we better get up, don’t you?”

“It would be wonderful if we could just stay like this,” he said with a 
genuine flyboy grin.

“Come on, Harm, move that six!”

“All right already. Boy you can be demanding,” he added sarcastically.

“You don’t know the half of it,” she retorted.

0945 Hours
JAG HQ
Mac’s Office

Harm knocked timidly on his partner’s closed door. He needed to talk to 
her, but he also knew that if she was wrapped up in too much paperwork, 
it could wait. He was hoping she had a few minutes to spare so he could 
let her know what had been going through his mind.

“Hey, Mac, got a minute?” he asked hesitantly.

“For you? Of course I do, Harm. Sit down and talk to me,” she invited.

He still stood in the doorway, quite unsure and uncomfortable. When she 
told him she had time for him, he relaxed a bit, closed the door, and 
sat down.

“I don’t know where to start,” he said with a sigh.

“Take your time, sailor. I’m here whenever you’re ready.”

“First of all, let me apologize for last night. I have no idea where 
the nightmare came from or why I screamed for you. Secondly, thank you 
for being here. If you weren’t, I don’t know what I would do right now. 
Lastly, I don’t know how much longer I can do this. The fear, the 
nightmares, the flashbacks. I can’t take it anymore, Sarah,” he said the 
statement quietly, looking at her with pain in his eyes.

She reached across her desk and took his hand in hers, giving it a 
reassuring squeeze. “If I could make it better, I would, Harm. If I could 
take away all the fear and pain you’re feeling, I’d do it in a 
heartbeat. I know you have to work through this and that you need me to be here, 
but maybe it’s time you talked to someone. Someone who’s qualified to 
deal with what you’re going through.”

“No!” he exclaimed emphatically. “If you think I’m going to talk to a 
counselor or shrink, think again. I’ll deal with it eventually.”

Sarah MacKenzie had never seen her partner so angry before. Anger was 
one thing, but verbal anger directed at her - from Harm of all people - 
was quite another. She decided then that she would be bold. 

“Harm, if you don’t do something, it will kill you. You’ll be so 
distraught emotionally and physically that you won’t want to do anything. 
You’re in denial now, but deep down you know you need more than my 
support. I don’t want to lose you,” she whispered. “I won’t lose you, not 
now.”

“How can you possibly know how I feel?” he asked with the anger still 
evident. “Do you know what it’s really like, Sarah? Sometimes I’m afraid 
of myself, of what I might do or say. I can’t stand the sight of 
Tomcats or the ocean. I know I’ll never be able to get into the cockpit of an 
F-14 again. Being a pilot is just a shattered dream now.” He looked 
down at the floor for a moment then because he was ashamed of what he 
felt, of what he had said to her.

“Look at me,” she pleaded then, fresh tears pooling in the corner of 
her eyes. “I don’t know how you feel, but I do know that this isn’t 
healthy for you. You’ve been home a little over three weeks. The physical 
pain is healing, but the emotional scars are still too great. You’re 
angry and hurt, but you need help. You can’t see that, but I can,” she said 
as she wiped the tears from her cheeks.

He looked up at her with a pain and hurt that was so great both of them 
could feel it, touch it. “I’m sorry I hurt you, sweetheart. You’re not 
going to like me when this is all over.”

“Not like you? How could I ever not like you, Harm? I love you so 
much,” she whispered.

“Trust me, Mac. When all of this is over, you’ll hate me.”

“Don’t say things like that. No matter what we go through, no matter 
what you say, I could never hate you.”

“Just make all the nightmares, fear, pain and hurt go away,” he 
pleaded.

“Besides my being a hand to hold when you‘re scared, the only other way 
I can do that is by getting you in to see a friend of mine that’s a 
counselor. I trust her completely. Her name is Cassidy Lewis.”

“All right, Mac. Can you get me an appointment for in a couple days?” 
he asked.

“Sure. Afternoon should work, don’t you think?”

“Yeah. Oh hey, I almost forgot to ask you if you’d come with me.”

“Of course I will.”

“Thanks, Mac,” he said with a half-hearted smile.

“You’re welcome.”

June 17, 2001
1430 Hours	
Counseling Center

“So, what brings you here, Commander Rabb?” Cassidy Lewis asked.

He squeezed Mac’s hand before replying. “A crash that happened about a 
month ago.”

“Okay. Can you tell me what kind of crash?” she prodded gently.

“An F-14 crash. I was flying in a storm to get back for Mac’s wedding, 
and I was losing control of the plane. I had two choices: punch out or 
go down with the Tomcat.”

“I see. Did you suffer any further injury after you punched out?”

“My RIO was rescued before I was, Cassidy. I spent a little over three 
hours in the frigid water of the Atlantic. Then the search and rescue 
crew took me aboard the Patrick Henry and straight to sick bay.”

She turned to Mac for a few moments. “And where were you during all 
this, Colonel?”

“Back at JAG waiting for word on Harm. I wanted to be with him.”

“Okay, now that I have the basics, I’m going to ask both of you to tell 
me what happened next. If it gets to be too much, just say so and we’ll 
stop, okay?”

“Okay,” they said in unison.

“Harm, what happened after you were rescued?”

“I went into shock and I remember being really cold. I don’t remember a 
lot of what they did to me because I was out, but I do remember my RIO 
talking to me. She was screaming and asking me if I heard her. It would 
have been so easy to give up and for a little while I did. . .” He 
stopped to take some deep breaths. The emotions were raw and painful and he 
wanted to stop, but he also knew that Mac needed to hear why he’d held 
on.

“Do you want to continue or call it a day?”

He looked at Mac and squeezed her hand again. “I think I can do this,” 
he said hesitantly.

“And then?” Cassidy prodded gently.

“Then I heard Skates - my RIO - asking me to save her. I told her I was 
trying. She asked me not to let go, so I didn’t. I remember telling her 
hi and she wanted me to keep talking. It was hard to do because she was 
lying on top of me,” he said with a small smile. “So I told her that I 
couldn’t breathe and she got up. I knew it was Skates, but I wasn’t 
sure how well I knew her and so I asked her if we’d dated.”

“So it was then that you knew you were going to be okay?” Cassidy asked 
then.

“Yeah. I’ve been wondering why I didn’t give up, why I fought so hard 
to come back. . .and I think I have a pretty good idea,” he added 
softly.

Mac looked it him closely then and unconsciously started rubbing his 
knuckles. “Was it Renee?” Mac asked, although she was pretty sure the 
blonde video princess wasn’t the reason he’d held on.

He shook his head, then looked her straight in the eye. “No, Mac, it 
wasn’t Renee that made me hold on, it was you.”

“What’s your response to that, Colonel?” Cassidy asked.

“First of all, I didn’t know you checked out for a bit in sick bay, 
Harm. Secondly, I’m glad that you fought to come back to me. I don’t know 
what I would have done had I lost you, sailor,” she added.

“I needed to tell you so much, Mac. I wanted you to know that I care 
about you.”

“I already know you care, Harm.”

“There are some words I’ve never been able to say to you. I’ve tried 
but they won’t come.”

“Do you want to try now, Harm?” Cassidy asked carefully.

“Not yet. I think I’ve relived enough of that night for now.”

“All right then, you two. That’s it for today. I’d like to see you both 
in a week. However, if things get to be too much, come in sooner, all 
right?”

“Will do, Cassidy. Thank you,” Harm said as he stood up.

“You’re welcome.”

1545 Hours
Harm’s Apartment

“Here we are, sailor,” Mac said as she helped Harm out of the car.

“Thanks, Mac,” he said with a yawn.

“You’re welcome. Tired already?” she asked him as they walked inside 
and stepped into the elevator.

“If you had all the memories and images in your head that I do, believe 
me, being able to talk about them would tire you too,” he said with a 
slight smile.

“You’ll get there, flyboy. It will take some time, but I know you’ll 
make it.”

Once inside the apartment, Harm headed straight for the couch and laid 
down. Mac joined him shortly, standing beside him and looking at him. 
There were some stray strands of hair on his forehead and she moved them 
gently with her hand.

“My mom was right,” he said sleepily.

“How’s that, Harm?” she asked curiously.

“You really are quite the girl. She said that to me before I went to 
Russia.”

“She did?”

“Yeah.”

“Wow! Your mom is someone I have to meet,” she added with a smile.

“Someday you will, Mac,” he said with a yawn.

“Sounds good to me. Now you should get some rest.”

“Yes, Mom,” he said with a flyboy grin.

About three and a half hours later

Mac had sat on the floor by the couch as Harm slept. Other than tossing 
and turning and a few groans, he really hadn’t awakened because of 
nightmares. It didn’t mean he didn’t have a few dreams, but they weren’t 
disturbing. 

Mac stood up and stretched, working out the stiffness in her legs. She 
watched Harm as he continued to sleep and then reluctantly bent down 
and placed a kiss on his forehead. It caused him to stir and then he 
looked up at her.

“Hi, Harm,” she whispered.

“Hi, Mac,” he said with a smile as he sat up. Then unconsciously he 
leaned toward her and kissed her softly on the lips.

Once they pulled apart, she looked at him for a moment, taken aback at 
his boldness and yet excited by it. “What was that for?” she asked with 
a smile.

“I just wanted to thank you for being here and let you know that I 
care,” he said as he looked intently at her.

“You’re welcome. I could be a happier woman if I got thanks like that 
all the time,” she added with a slight chuckle.

“Here, marine,” he said with a flyboy grin as he kissed her again.

“You aim to please,” she whispered.

“Of course.”

July 2, 2001
1530 Hours
Cassidy Lewis’ Office

“Well, Commander, how are you today?” Cassidy began.

“It seems to be a lot better than it was when I first came to see you,” 
he said quietly while taking Mac’s hand in his.

“But. . .?” she prodded gently.

“But now I’ve been having dreams of things I should have done. Going 
after my brother and bringing him home, talking to my mom about this 
whole mess, and being able to say those important words to Mac,” he added 
as he looked at her.

“It’s natural for you to feel this way, Harm. When anyone faces a 
near-death experience or a trauma like you did, it forces them to look at 
what is important, to grab on to that. You realize that life is precious 
and that you aren’t invincible,” she said with a smile.

“Will I ever be able to say the words to Mac?” he asked no one in 
particular.

“If you’re ready, you could try them now,” the counselor suggested.

“Okay,” he said as he took a deep breath. “I love you, Sarah,” he 
whispered as he looked into her deep brown eyes.

“Oh, Harm! I love you, too,” she replied as she continued to look at 
him. She could see so much in the depths of his eyes and she knew the 
connection they shared was a strong one.

“I think I’ll leave you two alone for a minute,” Cassidy said quietly 
as she stood up.

Once she’d left, Harm stood up and took Mac into his arms. Having her 
close made him feel secure and protected. “I’m so lucky to have you,” he 
said quietly.

“I’m the lucky one, Harm,” she said as she gently pulled out of his 
embrace.

“I’d say we’re both lucky,” he concluded.

“Yeah, we are,” she agreed with a smile.

Cassidy came back shortly, just wanting to wrap a few things up. “So, 
have you realized what’s important?” she asked.

“Oh, yeah,” Harm said with a flyboy grin.

“Good for you, Commander,” she complimented. “I’d like to see you again 
in two weeks unless something major happens between now and then.”

“All right. Thanks again, Cassidy,” he said as he stood up.

“You’re welcome.”

Mac stood up and took Harm’s hand in hers, giving it a squeeze. “Let’s 
go home flyboy,” she suggested.

“Sounds good to me.”

1725 Hours
Harm’s Apartment

“You hungry, sailor?” Mac asked once they were inside and somewhat 
settled.

“Starving,” he admitted with a grin.

“How about we make some pasta?”

“Sure. I’ll get the water if you’ll get the pasta,” he said as he 
pointed to the cupboard where he kept the pasta.

“Shall we make spaghetti?” she asked as she grabbed the container.

“Yeah, why not?” he agreed as he looked around for sauce.

In a short time they had the spaghetti cooking and Harm was stirring 
the sauce. Mac had found some garlic bread and was just putting that in 
the oven.

“Not bad,” Mac said shortly.

“We make quite a team, huh?”

“Definitely.”

1830 Hours

They finished the meal, just enjoying each other’s company. Harm went 
and sat on the couch and Mac joined him. It didn’t take him long to 
reach out for Mac, just wanting to hold her.

“You’re beautiful,” he whispered once she was in his arms.

“You’re not too bad yourself,” she said with a smile.

“Thanks,” he said with a genuine flyboy grin.

Unconsciously, she leaned up and kissed him softly. It was so easy to 
give in to that desire. He deepened it, and when the need for oxygen 
came, they pulled apart and just looked at each other.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered as she looked away.

“Don’t be. I’ve been waiting for that,” he said as he kissed her 
forehead.


2045 Hours

Mac got a shower and changed into her pajamas. While she was changing, 
Harm got a shower and then they both got under the covers.

“Night, Sarah,” Harm said with a tired sigh. “Love you.”

“Night, Harm,” she replied. “I love you, too.”

They both slept peacefully for the next six or so hours. To be 
together, in each other’s arms, was natural to them both and neither one of 
them would have wanted it any other way.

July 3, 2001
0230 Hours

He couldn’t breathe. He was held in darkness and someone was talking to 
him, but it was so hard to break through the comfort of that darkness. 
Was it Skates that was pleading for him? No, it couldn’t be. It sounded 
like . . .Mac. He knew he couldn’t give in to the darkness, he couldn’t 
leave her.

“Harm, listen to me,” Mac said through her tears, “you have to hang on. 
Come on, come back to me. I need you and there’s so much I need to tell 
you. I love you!”

He slowly fought the darkness and tried to talk. It was hard at first, 
but he managed a weak, “Hi, Mac.”

“Hi, sailor.”

“Hurts,” he managed to say before the darkness claimed him again.

“No!” she screamed. “Don’t you leave me. Come on flyboy,” she pleaded 
as she laid her head on his chest.

“Mac!” he screamed as he bolted upright, shaking violently.

“Easy, Harm,” she whispered as she sat up. “I’m right here.”

“This one was worse than the last one,” he said as he swallowed a lump 
in his throat.

She sat up straighter and put her arms out, inviting him into a 
protective embrace. It took only a fraction of a second for him to accept her 
invitation. She rubbed his back and said quietly, “I’m right here 
sailor and I’m not going anywhere.”

He let himself enjoy the comfort of her arms around him for a good five 
minutes, and then he pulled away and looked at her before lying back 
down. “You were calling me and I woke up long enough to tell you hi and 
then I hurt so badly. . .and I. . .” he stopped and shuddered.

“It’s okay, Harm. Talk to me,” she said gently.

“Then I gave in to the darkness again. I don’t know if I woke up from 
it the second time. I was afraid to find out. . .I was afraid that I. . 
.” he stopped and looked away from her.

“Afraid that you what, Harm? Afraid that you died?” she whispered.

He turned to look at her again, terror in his eyes. All he could do was 
nod his head, for he was too terrified to say it out loud.

“Look at me,” she pleaded. “You’re still here, you didn’t leave me. It 
was only a nightmare.”

“It was so real, Mac,” he whispered, the terror still evident.

She reached over and touched his face. “Just remember that I’m right 
here and I’m not leaving you.”

She turned over and had her back to him, and he scooted closer to her. 
Then he took his hand and started rubbing her back. “I don’t deserve 
you,” he said it quietly, hoping she hadn’t heard him.

She had heard him, and it made her hurt for him. She turned over so 
that she was facing him and replied, “Yes, you do. I love you and nothing 
will change that.”

“I can see the pain I’m putting you through and you don’t deserve that 
either, Sarah.”

“Yes, it hurts me to see the pain you’re going through because of all 
that happened to you, but I also know that you can’t do it alone. You’re 
not a victim any more, you’re a survivor and you’re going to make it. 
Now please, try to go to sleep,” she said the last statement a little 
more harshly, but only because she was tired and didn’t want either one 
of them to say something that they would later regret.

He didn’t say anything because he was hurt and because he didn’t want 
to hurt her.

0745 Hours

“Hey, sleepyhead,” Mac whispered as she planted a kiss on Harm’s 
forehead, “we better get up.”

“Mmm. Hey Ninja Girl,” he said with a smile as he looked at her, “did I 
ever tell you how beautiful you are?”

“You might have mentioned it a few times.”

“You really are quite something, Sarah,” he whispered as he sat up.

Thank you,” she said as she kissed him softly on the lips.

“You’re welcome.”

They dressed shortly and were to JAG HQ by 0830. Thankfully they had 
managed to avoid any questions by the admiral as to their relationship, 
but they knew it wouldn’t be long until everyone started asking 
questions. Were they dating? Had Mac moved in with Harm? Was a wedding in the 
works? The barrage would be intense, but they were both pretty sure they 
could handle it.

1245 Hours

Mac walked into Harm’s office and sat down in front of his desk. He was 
so intent on the files in front of him that he didn’t even hear her 
enter, didn’t even feel her presence.

“Harm,” she said softly as she reached across and put her hand on his, 
“how are you doing?”

“Oh hey, marine,” he said as he looked up, “what brings you in here?”

“I just wanted to check on you and see if you were in the mood for some 
lunch.”

“Thanks. I’m all right. As far as lunch goes, give me a few more hours 
and then we can call it a day.”

“You’re taking the afternoon off?” she asked, surprised.

“Yeah, there are some things I need to do. . .and I. . .” he paused for 
a moment, which gave Mac a perfect open.

“You what?” she asked gently.

“I need you to go with me.”

Okay, no problem. Where are we going?”

“First to lunch and then maybe The Wall.”

“Sounds good, Squid,” she said with a smile before standing up.

She was in the doorway when Harm spoke to her quietly. “I’m sorry about 
last night. I should have talked to you. If I shut you out completely. 
. .”

“It’s okay, Harm.”

“No, it’s not. I think I need to see Cassidy sometime next week. Are 
you free on Monday afternoon?”

“Yeah, but are you sure you want to wait that long?”

“I know I shouldn’t, but can you understand that I just want some time 
with you?”

“Against my better judgment and saying ‘I told you so’, yeah I 
understand completely.”

“Thanks. Now get out of here so I can get this done,” he said with a 
small smile.

“I’ll be back at 1400 to get you out of here, okay?”

“I’ll be here.”

1400 Hours

“Hey, Harm, you ready?” Mac asked as she walked into her partner’s 
office.

“Oh yeah,” he said with a chuckle.

“I think that’s one of the first times I’ve heard you laugh in a long 
time,” she said quietly.

He didn’t say anything, but just looked at her for a few long moments. 
He  felt more passion and desire for her at that moment than he had in 
the whole time he’d known her. Just having her there made him grateful. 
Someday she would be his and he would be able to show her all the 
passion he felt for her. Now he had to concentrate on getting past the fear 
of all that had happened to him after his crash.

“You okay, flyboy?” she asked as she walked closer to him.

“Of course,” he whispered as he touched her face, “why wouldn’t I be?”

She put a little distance between them and opened her arms. “I know 
what you want, sailor. Come here.”

He hesitated for a fraction of a second before stepping into her 
embrace. “I want more than this,” he said softly.

“I know. Some day we’ll have so much more than this. Right now this is 
all I can give you.”

He just let her hold him for a while, and then he let go and looked up 
at her. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

July 9, 2001
1645 Hours
Cassidy Lewis’ Office

“Commander, I figured I wouldn’t be seeing you for another week. Not 
that you should have waited to come in, but I must admit I’m surprised,” 
she added quickly.

“Well, Cassidy, you told me I could come in sooner if something 
happened. I waited before deciding to come in to see you, but I feel I should 
get this out,” he admitted while he looked at Mac.

“All right. Take your time.”

He sat there for several minutes looking at Mac. She squeezed his hand, 
hoping that would give him some courage.

“I had another nightmare about a week ago. It was worse than any 
others. I couldn’t get past a certain point because I was afraid.”

“You want to tell me more about that?” Cassidy asked gently.

“I could give it a try,” he said with a heavy sigh. “Mac was there when 
I was brought to sick bay. She was talking to me and I was trying to 
fight the darkness but it was so hard. I was able to tell her hi and that 
it hurt but then I gave back into the comfort of the darkness,” he said 
as he looked away.

“Was there more? Do you think you can tell me the rest, Harm?”

“I think so. Then Mac was screaming at me to not leave her. I couldn’t 
take anymore of the nightmare and so I woke up screaming for Mac. I was 
afraid that I left her for good. . .that I died.”

“I know this is hard, but do you think you could remember more if I had 
you close your eyes?”

“I. . .I don’t know,” he said shakily. “I could try. It couldn’t be any 
worse than the first part, could it?”

“I can’t answer that one, Commander.”

He took a deep breath and squeezed Mac’s hand. “I’ll do whatever it 
takes to get rid of the fear I’m feeling, Cassidy. Anything at all.”

“All right then. If it gets to the point where you want to stop, all 
you have to do is say the word, okay?”

“Okay. Let’s get this over with, Cassidy.”

“Close your eyes and just try to remember the nightmare, Harm,” Cassidy 
said quietly. 

He closed his eyes and grabbed Mac’s hand, holding it as tightly as he 
could. It was hard to recall images from the nightmare, but he tried as 
hard as he could. He heard Mac calling him, telling him not to leave 
her. The comfort of the darkness was so inviting but he knew he had to 
fight. He couldn’t leave Mac.

“Mac,” he said aloud.

“I’m right here,” she said as she rubbed his knuckles.

“I don’t want to leave you. I can’t leave you. There’s so much we 
haven’t said.”

“It’s okay,” Mac whispered.

“You’re safe, Harm,” Cassidy said reassuringly.

“I opened my eyes and looked at Mac. She told me that she loved me. . 
.that we had so much to do yet.”

Tears were sliding unconsciously down his cheeks. He opened his eyes 
and looked at Mac and then Cassidy. It was starting to be too much for 
him to handle, but he knew he had to do this. If he didn’t. the fear 
would haunt him for the rest of his life.

“Are you all right, Harm?” Cassidy asked.

“I think so. I don’t know if I can do this,” he said as he looked at 
Mac with terror in his eyes. 

“You don’t have to,” Mac said as she put her hand on his shoulder.

“If you can’t do this we can stop for today,” Cassidy suggested.

“I’ll be okay. I have to do this.”

“Only if you’re sure.”

“I want to get this over with so I can move on.”

“All right. Mac told you that you had so much to do.”

“Yeah and then I said I loved her too. The pain was so intense that I 
wanted to close my eyes and give in again, but I fought it. She kissed 
my forehead and told me she would see me later, but I told her to stay. 
. .I didn’t want to be alone.” 

“You’re not alone, Harm,” Mac whispered.

“I think sometimes I’m more afraid of that than I am of dying,” he 
whispered shakily.

“It’s all right, Harm,” Cassidy said.

“Mac, don’t leave me,” he pleaded. “I can’t. . .I can’t breathe. Don’t 
leave me. I need you. . .I need,” he stopped and opened his eyes. The 
panic and fear were so evident that it scared him.

“Ssh, ssh, it’s okay flyboy. You have me and you’re okay.”

“No, I’m not okay,” he said as he reached for her.

“You will be.”

“Are you going to be okay?” Cassidy asked.

“Some day maybe. I thought getting all of this out in the open would 
help, but I think it made it worse.”

“Sometimes there is a fine line between what you need and what your 
body tells you that you need. I think you should go home and rest. Realize 
that Mac is here for you and that you won’t be alone.”

“I can’t put her through this. I need to be alone.”

“If you think that you’ll be all right, fine. If there’s any doubt at 
all that you need someone, have Mac stay.”

“I will,” he said distractedly.

“See you in a week, Commander.”

Mac got up and walked out with him, worried he wasn’t thinking clearly. 
Cassidy stopped Mac before she was out the door. “I wouldn’t leave him 
alone, Mac. I don’t think he knows how hurt he is, how much pain he 
brought to the surface.”

“If he won’t let me stay, I can’t force the issue.”

“Just watch him.”

“Okay I will.”

1845 Hours
Harm’s Apartment

“You all right?” Mac asked for what seemed like the fifth time.

“I’m fine, Mac,” he said tiredly.

“I can stay if you like,” she offered.

“I’ll be all right, Sarah,” he said a bit irritably.

“Okay. Call me if you need me.”

2030 Hours
Mac’s Apartment

Mac was trying to put the worry over Harm out of her head, but she 
couldn’t. Maybe she should call and check on him or something. Of course, 
she had told him if he needed her to call, but something told her maybe 
that wasn’t enough.

Same Time
Harm’s Apartment

He wanted to forget everything, he wanted to be completely numb. His 
emotions were too raw. He couldn’t take any more. He wasn’t thinking 
rationally, but at that moment, he didn’t really care. Anything to take 
away his pain would be welcome.

He got up and made his way to the fridge, grabbing a few beers from the 
shelf. What better way to be numb than to get plastered? Before he went 
to down the beers, he went to the medicine cabinet for some sleeping 
pills. His rational side was telling him that pills and alcohol was not a 
good combination, but the side of him that hurt was telling him what 
the heck.

“I can’t do this,” he whispered. “I just can’t take this anymore,” he 
added as he sat down on the couch.

It was so easy. He grabbed a pill out of the bottle and was about to 
take it, when he stopped for a minute. Was this really the best way to 
deal with everything? 

“Ah what the heck,” he said quietly. “It can’t possibly get any worse 
from here,” he added as he downed the pill. It was followed shortly by 
another and another, a few sips of beer after each as well. He did that 
until he’d taken about eight pills. The bottle’s instructions said two 
pills every four hours, but he was taking four times that in an hour. 
Anything to forget the pain, anything at all to feel completely numb.

2230 Hours
Mac’s Apartment

There was that thought of Harm again. The voice in her head was telling 
her that maybe she should call him, but as soon as that thought came, 
so did another one. The easiest thing would be to go to him, just to 
make sure he was all right. He had to be, didn’t he?

About 10 min later. . .

Mac made it to Harm’s apartment in record time, reached for the key 
he’d given her not long ago, and let herself in. The sight that greeted 
her was not a welcome one. Harm was on the couch and he looked terrible. 
It wasn’t until she got closer that she realized he was plastered. She 
then glanced down at the coffee table and saw the bottle of pills. 

“Oh my word,” she whispered. “Don’t you do this to me. Darn you, 
flyboy!” were the only other words she could manage to get out as she picked 
up the bottle to inspect it. She wasn’t sure at that point how many of 
the sleeping pills he had taken, but she was more worried about the 
alcohol - pill combination.

With shaking fingers, she set the bottle down and went to the couch. 
She touched Harm and tried to see if she could get any response out of 
him.

“Come on sailor,” she said quietly. It was amazing she could get that 
much out for inside she was shaking.  In her frustration, she was 
uttering expletives under her breath.  

She tried everything she could think of to elicit a response from him, 
but nothing worked. It was then that she made her way to the phone and 
called 911.

2300 Hours
Bethesda Medical Clinic

Mac paced the hallway, waiting for any news on Harm. She kept thinking 
what could have happened had she not found him when she did. With a 
shudder she realized that instead of being here, she very easily could 
have been planning his funeral. Her partner, friend, the man she loved, 
could have died from an overdose.

“Are you here with Commander Rabb?” the doctor asked quietly.

“Yes, I am. How is he?”

“He’s very lucky. As many pills as he’d taken, as much alcohol as he 
had. . .I will say this much for him, he’s got a strong will.”

“I’ll give him that,” she said with a small smile.

“It makes you wonder what would drive a person to do something like 
this.”

“Unfortunately I have a pretty good idea, doctor,” Mac said with a 
sigh.

“You can see him if you’d like, ma’am. He’s in room 115.”

“Thank you.”

Room 115

Mac sat down by Harm’s bed and took his hand in hers. He was so still 
and silent, yet she knew he was still alive. “Hey flyboy, you had me 
scared when I first saw you earlier tonight. I should have insisted to 
stay with you. I should have seen how hurt you were, Harm. If I had lost 
you. . .” Her thought trailed off when she thought she felt him squeeze 
her hand.

“Mac,” he whispered as he slowly opened his eyes.

“Yeah, I’m right here, Harm.”

“What. . .what happened?” he asked, confused.

“You nearly checked out on me, squid. For good.”

“What?” he asked again as a headache assaulted him.

“You heard me. When I found you, you were plastered and you’d taken a 
good deal of sleeping pills.”

He closed his eyes and waited for the pain in his head to subside. “I 
knew I hurt and I wanted to make the pain go away. . .I didn’t want to 
feel anything. . .but I don’t remember taking the pills, Mac.”

“I should have stayed with you, Harm. Then we could have talked.”

“I wouldn’t have listened to you if you’d insisted on staying,” he said 
matter-of-factly.

“Stubborn that way aren’t you?” she said with a chuckle.

“Yeah, I guess so.” Switching topics, he added, “I bet I look really 
good right now, don’t I?”

“Oh, yeah. The nurses didn’t quite get all the charcoal off of you 
though,” she said as she reached for a towel one of the nurses had left.

“Bet that makes me look real cute, too,” he commented sarcastically.

She stood up and wiped the charcoal off his lips. “There,” she said 
when she was satisfied that he looked decent.

“Thanks,” he said quietly as he reached for her hand.

“You’re welcome.”

They were both silent for a while, enjoying each other’s company. Harm 
was the first to speak. “I know I’ve messed up in the past, but this 
time I really did it. I want to get past all that’s happened since the 
night I was rescued, but sometimes I think that the pain will never go 
away. I think that’s part of the reason that I took the pills - and 
alcohol to top it off - because I wanted to take all the pain away. I was 
tired of hurting,” he whispered as he looked at her.

“You have to remember that you were victimized by the things that 
happened that night, but you aren’t a victim any more, Harm. You’re a 
survivor now. . .together we’ll survive this.”

“You think so?” he asked as he took her hand in his.

“Yeah.” She stood up and stretched, slowly making her way to the door.

“Hey marine, where ya goin’?” Harm asked with a smile.

“Thought I’d take a walk,” she said distractedly.

“Mac, what’s wrong?” he said quietly.

“Nothing, Harm. I’m fine,” she said tiredly.

“Sarah, you’re hurting. I can tell. Talk to me. . .please.”

His pleading nearly broke her heart. She’d been doing fine until he 
pleaded for her to talk to him. Darn Harmon Rabb! “Don’t do this to me, 
Harm. Darn you!” she exclaimed as she absently wiped away a few tears of 
frustration.

“I know what I did tonight was wrong. It scared you and now you’re 
angry. What do you want me to say? I’m sorry doesn’t seem to be enough.”

“I’m sorry won’t make it better,” she whispered.

“I deserve that. If you’re mad, let it go. I don’t want to see you hurt 
sweetheart.”

“Darn you! You nearly die and the best you can do is say that what you 
did was wrong and you’re sorry?” she said angrily as she walked out 
into the hallway.

“Mac, wait!” he hollered after her. “Stay with me. . .please.”

0045 Hours

She was standing against the wall outside his room, giving into the 
anger, frustration, and exhaustion.  She was angry and hurt but she also 
knew she needed him. Just having Harm hold her would feel so good. It 
didn’t mean that it would take all the hurt and anger away, but it would 
help somewhat.

“Sarah,” he called as she stood outside his door, “stay with me 
please.”

“I’ve been waiting for you to say that,” she said with a small smile as 
she came to lie beside him on the bed.

“You don’t have to wait any longer, beautiful,” he whispered as he put 
his arms around her.

“I’m glad you’re okay,” she whispered as she fell asleep.

July 16, 2001
1445 Hours
Cassidy Lewis’ Office

“Commander, how are you doing?”

“I’m doing all right, but I should tell you about what happened when I 
left here last time,” he added as he looked at the floor.

“All right,” she said calmly.

“I nearly checked out on everyone. I took pills and alcohol. Not just 
any pills, either. . .sleeping pills,” he said quietly. It was hard for 
him to say it out loud, but he knew he had to be honest.

“Do you know why you chose to deal with things that way?” she asked 
carefully.

“I thought it would take away the pain and hurt, but instead it made my 
guilt worse.”

“Have you found better ways to cope with everything that happened?”

“It’s taken a while, but I think I’m getting there. I’m just taking it 
one day at a time and I’ve realized what’s important. I know that I’ll 
always carry memories of what happened to me, but I survived it.”

“Would you like to add anything, Colonel?” Cassidy asked as she looked 
at Mac.

“It’s been hard for both of us, but I would have to agree with Harm. 
He’s getting there - he has certainly come a long way since everything 
first happened. He sees himself as a survivor.”

“Good. Anything else?”

“I haven’t managed to get back into an F-14 yet,” Harm said quietly.

“You will someday,” Mac said as she took his hand in hers.

“You will when you’re ready, Commander,” Cassidy added.

“So is this my last session?” Harm asked cautiously.
“I think we’ve reached that point. If you would ever need anything, you 
know where to find me.”

“Thanks,” Harm said.

“Congratulations, Harm,” Cassidy said as she stood up.

“Thanks again, Cassidy,” Mac added as she stood up.

“You’re both very welcome.”

“Let’s go home, sailor,” Mac suggested.

“Sounds good to me.”

August 5, 2001
1330 Hours
Harm’s Apartment

It had been a little over two months since the night Mac had come to 
Harm after Mic had left to return to Australia. It seemed like a lifetime 
ago to Harm and Mac. They were growing closer and closer with each 
passing day, and they had managed to satisfy everyone’s questions about 
their relationship.

Harm heard the knock on his door, and he got up quickly to answer it. 
He had an idea who was there and it made him smile just thinking of that 
person.

“Boy have I got a surprise for you!” Mac exclaimed as she kissed Harm 
softly.

“Ooh you know I love surprises. So where are we going?”

“You know I can’t tell you that, squid,” she replied.

“Okay then just take me there.”

“I think the chopper’s ready,” she said quietly.

1330 Hours
Over the Atlantic Ocean

Harm and Mac were still in the chopper, but almost to their 
destination. In order to make the surprise even bigger, Mac had insisted that Harm 
close his eyes for at least the last few minutes of their trip.

“Can I look now, marine?” Harm asked impatiently.

“Only a few more minutes, Harm.”

They landed on the carrier shortly, and then Harm got to look. He was 
excited and nervous at the same time. The first thing he noticed was all 
of the F-14s.

“So this was your surprise,” he said quietly.

“Yeah. I thought maybe you’d like to see Captain Ingles again and maybe 
take a Tomcat up.”

“We’ll see about that last part, Mac.”

“Just think about it, Harm,” she said as she took his hand.

Harm took a few minutes to talk with Captain Ingles and then he went to 
see if anyone could find him a flight suit. Maybe a few minutes in an 
F-14 wouldn’t be such a bad idea after all. He thought it might even be 
fun if he didn’t freak out.

He finished zipping up his flight suit and Mac walked in the room. “Wow 
flyboy. That looks pretty good on you,” she said with a smile as she 
walked closer to him. “Those wings look really good.”

“You know what they say about. . .” she silenced him by kissing him 
softly on the lips.

“Gold wings and dress whites, I know. I was wrong when I said it was 
overrated,” she added quietly.

“If I decide to go up, will you come with me?”

“Of course.”

“Thanks.”

1420 Hours

He decided to take a Tomcat up for a little while. Besides, Mac would 
be with him, right? And he might even like it; love it as much as he did 
before the crash. He’d just take it one step at a time.

“Let’s go, Mac,” he said as soon as he’d found her.

“All right flyboy.”

Once he was up in the air, he actually started to enjoy himself. At 
first he was a bit nervous, but the more he flew, the more relaxed he 
became. He realized that he could still live his dream of being a pilot or 
at least be able to fly more often without so much fear.

“How you doing, Harm?” Mac asked when they had been in the air for a 
little while. She had noticed that he was relaxing considerably, but she 
still wanted to make sure he was okay.

“I’m okay,” he said distractedly.

“You sure?”

“Yeah.”

“I think you’re finding your way, Harm.”

“Yeah,” he said with a flyboy grin.

Harm would always carry some memory of all that happened after his 
crash, but he’d survived and was finding the way.

The End