Etiam Sanato Vulnere, Cicatrix Manet
 
Author: melfina_gene_starwind
 
Please send feedback to
Email:harmonymacenzierabb@yahoo.com
 
Rating: PG
 
Summary: Harm is raising the child of Sergei and
Singer. He is still in love with Mac, but they had to
part long ago. Thus the title of this piece, meaning
in Latin, though the wound has healed, the scar
remains. Even though the pain of that loss isn't as
sharp as it was when it was fresh, it's still
there...it's inexorable...it's a hurt that will never
fully fade.
 
Classification: romance
 
Spoilers: None
 
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the JAG characters,
but I do own 
Elizabeth (Beth for short) and Alexander (Every one
calls him Harm). The song is by Don McLean, it's
entitled, 'And I Love You So'
 
***********************************************************
And I love you so. The people ask me, how I've lived
'til now. I tell 
them, 'I don't know.' I guess they understand, how
lonely life has been... 
***********************************************************
I first laid eyes on him yesterday; sitting astride
his beautiful black and white stallion. He had perfect
form. He looked at one with the 
horse. With his brown hair and blue eyes he could
sweep any girl off of their feet. He was jumping his
horse over what seemed to be a 5-foot double jump. I
could not keep my eyes off of him.
 
As I was looking at them, my horse, Raven, whom I may
say, is high, strong and has the spirit of an eagle,
started to stomp the ground. I had planned on doing
some jumping because I had an upcoming show jumping
competition, however, since all the rings were being
used at the moment I had decided to go on a trail
ride.
 
That was yesterday. Today I am at home thinking about
that same guy. I cannot get those amazing blue eyes
out of my head. They had pierced my soul and left a
scar. I didn't get his name because I never got around
to asking anyone at the stables. It was odd that I
didn't know who this person was because my dad always
informed me about the newest people at the stable. He
is the one that owns this place. Our house is right
next to the largest barn. I guess being away for the
past 6 months in a foreign country can leave you
knowing little about the changes going on back home. I
had been an exchange student. I'd stayed with a family
in London, England. It was a blast but I missed my
horse, the rest of my family, and most of all, my dad.
Harmon Rabb, Jr. He has always been both my mom and my
dad. We're incredibly close. He's actually not my real
father, even though I always refer to him as, 'dad'.
He's my uncle by blood. My mom had not wanted me
because she wanted to pursue her Naval career. Like my
dad, she had been a lawyer for the US Navy. Both of
them had worked at JAG headquarters. 

My mom's name was Lt. Lauren Singer and from what I
have learned from my Uncle Bud and Aunt Harriet, no
one in the office had liked her. She had met my real
father, my dad's brother, Sergei, and they'd had a
thing for awhile. He left for Russia never knowing
that he had a daughter. And he had died a few months
later in a car crash.
 
My mom had told my dad that he could take guardianship
of me just a few days before she gave birth to me.
Once the papers were signed and I was born, my uncle
had turned into my father. My mom has never seen me
again because, she just didn't want to, I guess. She
disappeared shortly after my birth, and no one has
seen her since. My father decided to leave JAG. He has
told me that he left because he needed to give me a
better life, however I think there's another reason
that he's keeping from me. And so, a 40-year-old man
packed up his life and his 2-week-old 
daughter and moved to California. However, he missed
Falls Church and all his friends who were like family
to him, and moved back a year later. 
When he got back he had gotten a job at a law firm.
That was 17 years ago and in between, of course, a lot
has happened. First of all he started his own law firm
with Uncle Bud and Uncle Sturgis. He has always had a
love of horses and has had a dream of owning a stable.
I inherited that love for these beautiful creatures. I
had learned how to ride before I could even walk. He
now owns his own stable, which is managed by Aunt
Harriet, who has always been like a mother to me, and
her son AJ. AJ has always been like an older brother
to me.
 
Other than the strange sort of secret hovering over
our home, I have a great life. For some reason my
father never married. I know that he was in love with
this woman named Sarah for two reasons. One, I
sometimes hear him call her name out in his dreams at
night. The second reason is that in our living room we
have a painting of this woman in a military outfit.
She has short brown hair and dark eyes. At the bottom
of the painting there is the name Sarah. When I asked
Aunt Harriet who she was, the only thing she would
vaguely say is that I would have loved her. I don't
understand them half of the time. They have also
mentioned that my middle name was given to me because
of her. This is the only information that I seem to be
privy to. 
 
I have no idea what all this means. My middle name is
Mackenzie. My dad calls me Mac. He is the only one
that calls me that. The rest of my family and friends
call me Beth or Liz. 
 
"Mac, will you please come here?", my dad calls to me
from the bottom 
of the stairs.
 
"Coming!" I scream as I get up from my bed. I walk
down the hall to the stairs. I look down at a man who,
for some reason, still looks like he s 40 instead of
57. He still has brown hair and dazzling blue eyes.
Dazzling blue eyes...Oh my god, he looks a lot like an
older version of that guy that was jumping yesterday.
> I realize.
 
"Mac, please get down here. I need to talk to you
about something," he says, looking at me with the kind
of love a father has for his only daughter.
 
I start walking down the stairs, wondering what I did
now. As my dad walks into the living room I notice
that guy from yesterday is sitting on our zebra couch.
I wonder why he is here.
 
"Mac, I would like you to meet Harm," my dad
introduces, as a look of shock covers my face. My
dad's name is Harm. What the hell is going on? My
father sees my face flush bright red and my eyes
widen. 
 
"What's wrong, Mac?"
 
My dad has an _expression that tells me that he is
only slightly worried about me. He's also looking at
me with that laughing twinkle in his eye. 
 
"He has the same name as you. It just surprised me,
that's all." All this time Harm was sitting silently
on our couch. His face is more beautiful up close. His
eyes sparkle at me with curiosity. His hair is 
spiked which make me wonder how he keeps it like that
under his riding helmet. 
"
Harm, I would like you to meet my daughter,
Elizabeth," my dad introduces, as Harm gets up to
shake my hand. I am trembling and I don't know why. My
heart is traveling a mile a minute. I have butterflies
in stomach. What's wrong with me? I have never felt
this way before.
 
"Call me Mac or Beth, it really doesn't matter to me.
It's a pleasure to meet you, Harm. I saw you riding
yesterday. That's a beautiful stallion you have.
What's his name?" I ask as we sit down on the couch.
My dad takes the other couch. All of this time he has
had a smile spread across his face. But I am worried
about him because his eye falls upon the picture of
Sarah and I notice the smile flee from his face.
 
"His name is Black Hawk. I call him Hawk for short.
It's also a pleasure to meet a beautiful lady like
yourself." He smiles and his whole face brightens up.
Uh-oh, we've got a smooth talker here. I, of course,
turn even redder, and turn my face away from him to my
dad who is chuckling softly. I try to recompose myself
for a moment.
 
"What's so funny, dad?" I ask, only a little annoyed
at the great joke that seems to be amusing him, at my
expense.
 
"He sounds so much like me. Are you sure you're not my
son?" The smile that was on the young Harm's face
turned in to a frown and his head lowers.
 
"I'm sorry I didn't mean to upset you. I forgot you
never knew your father."
 
"It's okay. My mom's been great. She's always been
there for mother, father and me. Now I didn't came
here to talk about that." He looks back at me and
says, "I would love to learn the trails around here. I
was hoping you could take me some time, and show me
around." 
 
"Sure, I'd love to. If you like we can even go today."
I tell him nonchalantly. My father has begun to smirk,
and there's no way I'm giving him any more fodder. You
can bet we'll be discussing this later. He's lucky I
love him so much.
 
"I would love to but I have to wait for my mom to call
me from New 
York." He tells me with a smile. Once again his eyes
pierce my soul and I can't stop looking at him. He
sees that am looking at him and his eyes make contact
with mine. I can't hold in the smile or the fact that
my face does it again, it turns red. 
 
"I understand. We'll go whenever it's convenient for
me. Since school is out for the summer, I have free
time every day. Did you just move into the area?" I
ask.
 
"Yes, my mom wanted me to get away from city life like
the one in New York City. I'm going to finish high
school here. At the moment I live with my godfather."
 
"What high school are you going to go to? I go to The
Blue Ridge Riding Academy."
 
"I'm not sure yet, my mom is going to tell me today.
It is a surprise she tells me. I would love to go to a
riding academy. What grade are you going to be in?"
The younger Harm queries.
 
"I will be a senior." I inform him as I look to see
why my father has been so quiet. He seems to have gone
into another universe. I can't see any emotion in his
face, but his eyes, how does that old cliché go, and
are the windows into his soul. I can see the hurt in
them as he looks at the painting of Sarah. He had, had
the painting before I was even born. I had always
thought that she was beautiful and I've always
wondered if that was the Sarah that he had once been
in love with and is still in love with. He has told me
that he had purchased the painting at a flea market.
I, of course, didn't buy it, there were too many clues
that the lady in the painting was real. Harm looks at
me and then turns his head to get a look at what my
dad is so entranced with. His eyebrows rise and his
mouth falls agape in astonishment. I could tell that
some thing was odd going on here. 
 
"Harm are you okay? What's the matter? You look like
you've seen a ghost?" At that moment a knock comes
from our front door, so I get up to answer it. As I
open the door I see that it's grandpa AJ. 
 
"Grandpa what are you doing here?" I ask as I give him
a big hug and he gives me one back twice has hard. 
 
"I can't come see my favorite granddaughter, who I
have not seen in 6 months?" He inquires, in his usual
charmingly gruff manner, as he walks into the living
room and sees Harm. "There you are Alex. I thought you
said you were going to wait for me at Hawk's stall." I
was surprised to see that my grandpa and Harm knew
each other.
 
"What's going on? Why did you call Harm Alex? How do
you two know each other?" The questions tumble out of
my mouth, tripping over themselves.
 
"He is my godfather and my first name is Alexander. I
didn't know that you were his granddaughter." Harm
says, a note of surprise tingeing his voice.
 
"Well he really isn't my real grandpa, I just call him
that. I have since I was a baby. " 
 
"I don't mean to cut this short Beth, but I need to
take Alex home because his mom is going to call to
tell him what school he will be going to." Grandpa AJ
says. He than peers over at my dad who has not even
noticed that he has arrived. "Harm you really need to
stop looking at that picture, it's all in the past."
My dad glances up at him and gets up to say hi. 
 
"AJ when did you get in? I see that you came to pick
up Harm." His eyes meet grandpa's and they share a
moment of some sort. Then my dad looks back at the
painting, and then at Harm, and then back to AJ. I
have no idea what all this means. But it just serves
to heighten my innate, insatiable curiosity. My
guardian is Harmon Rabb, after all. I learned
everything I know from him, frightening as that may
sound to some.
 
"Yes, I came to pick Alex up. His mother is going to
call him from my 
house, " he asserts. "We need to talk later Harm but
right now Alex and I have to go. Take care of yourself
Beth, and Harm if you still feel the same way about-"
He looks at the painting then back at my father. 
 
"You need to tell her." My dad is speechless, which is
a shock for me because he is not only a lawyer, but as
I mentioned before, a Rabb, and I have never seen him
at a loss for words. AJ hugs me and says good-bye. 
 
"It's been nice to meet you Beth, could you do me a
favor?" Harm asks me.
 
"Sure!" I say.
 
"Could you lunge Hawk a bit later, for me? I was
unable to ride him today and he gets upset if he does
not have a workout every day." He asks me with a grin.
 
"Sure I'd love to. I have nothing better to do." I
reply.
 
"Great, and thanks! If you have any questions about
him just call me at AJ's house. I'll see you
tomorrow." He says as he gives me a perfectly
innocent, yet knee-buckling kiss on the cheek. 
 
*******************************************************************
But, life began again, the day you took my hand... 
*******************************************************************
 
I did has he asked me to do, I lunged Hawk for about
an hour. He is a sweet stallion. The next day I'm in
my riding gear, ready to take on some jumps. I go to
the tack room were Raven's things are. On my way I
take a deep breath of the clean morning air. I love
this time of day. It's about 6 in the morning and
there are no riders in any of the rings. So I have a
chance to use the best ring that has jumps that are
like the ones in the shows that I'm in. 
 
As I get my gear I pass Hawk's stall and see that he
is not in there. I'm 
not going to freak because he isn't there. I see that
the halter is on the stall door, so I guess that Harm
must be here somewhere. I walk past a few more stalls
before I get to Raven's.I pat my baby and saddle him
up. When I get outside I mount my horse and head to
the ring to find that Harm is in there. He's jumping
again. 

He sees me and waves hi. I see him walk his horse over
to me.
 
"Hi there! You're up early." He greets jovially.
 
"Well, I could say the same thing to you, you know. I
get up this early so I can use this ring. I really
need to practice for next weekend." I reply, returning
his irrepressible smile.
 
"If you like I can go use another ring. It doesn't
matter to me," he offers.
 
"Could you please? That's really nice of you. Oh,
before I forget, what school are you going to go to?"
I ask.
 
"My mom says that am going to go to your school. Which
makes me happy because I'd love to make riding a
career. Do you mind if I watch you?" He queries. Is he
serious?
 
"No, you can watch. I'm glad that you'll be going to
my school. Maybe we can end up being good friends.
Would you like to have a picnic later? There's a
perfect place on one of the trails. That way you can
learn at least one of the trails around here." I offer
hesitantly.
 
"That would be cool and that way we can talk. I'd like
to ask you something," he agrees, as he turns to leave
the ring. I enter it and start walking my horse so I
can warm him up. After about 10 minutes of that, we
start to canter around the ring. I make a course out
of the jumps in my head and start to jump them. 
 
*****************************************************************
 
Yes, I know how lonely life can be. The shadows follow
me, and the night won't set me free. But I won't let
the evening get me down. Now that you're around me.
 
*****************************************************************
 
Harm watched me jump for the whole hour. Since I
didn't want Raven to get over heated I decided to use
one of the other horses that I owned. It was still a
bit early to go for a picnic so I told Harm that he
should go do some jumping while I cool Raven down, and
he decided to do so.After cooling Raven down, I
groomed him and put him in his pasture. I decided to
use Alaska who was a gelding that my dad used when he
went riding with me. Alaska is a white Arabian, very
gentle, he gets along with anything. I left him in his
stall for the moment and I went to see how Harm was
doing. He was just finishing. 
 
"Harm, I'm going to go pack our lunch before we go. If
you like you can use another horse." I told him.
 
"That's okay, Hawk isn't even sweating yet. If you
like I can tack up Alaska for you while you go do want
you need to," he generously offers.
 
"If you could that would be great." He dismounts Hawk
and walks over to 
me. He gazes into my eyes, which makes me flush hotly
once again. I like to grab him and kiss him like
there's no tomorrow, but that's not me. 
 
"You know you're very pretty when you blush like
that." He says as he kisses my cheek. Then he leads
Hawk away leaving me standing there like an idiot.
 
*******************************************
And you love me too. Your thoughts are just for me...
*******************************************
 
We are now on the trail that will lead us to the place
that is my secret haven. No one knows it's even here,
or at least I don't think they do. As we get about a
mile away from the stable, Harm starts to talk to me.
 
"So how many years have you lived here?" He inquires.
 
"All my life. Well, since we moved from California. I
was born in this area, but for some reason my father
had decided to leave here after I was born. He came
back though. Missed it too much." I acknowledge
pensively.
 
"Your dad is a lawyer right? My mom's one. She's good.
Very good. Of course, I may be a little biased," he
laughs. I smile at that. 
 
"Yes, he is. He's one of the best. He used to be a
Navy lawyer. Just like grandpa AJ and a few other
people closest to me. They all worked at JAG
headquarters. It's not that far from here." I look
over at him, trying to discern his reaction to my
declaration.
 
"That's cool. My mom worked there about 17 years ago."
He turns his face away from me, so I can't see his
facial _expression, and prods horse to go quicken its
pace. "Are you going to be a slow poke Beth?"
 
"Hey, wait for me! Come on Alaska let's show them who
can run." I prod him to go in to a canter.
 
"Hold on we're going to miss the turn at this speed!
Slow down will you, Harm?" I shout entertainingly at
the back of the guy of my dreams. He slows down enough
so that our horses are neck to neck. "It's this way!" 
I pronounce, as I turn my horse to the left were there
is no path trodden in the earth at all, but there is
enough space for a horse to pass though. He follows me
though the trees. When I come to a halt we reach a
lake that's covered by trees so tall you can't see the
tops.
 
"Wow, Beth this is so cool, " he avows as he gets off
his horse. I don't even notice him coming over to me.
He grasps my hand and I look down. 
 
"Are you going to come down from there or do I have to
help you?" 
I swing my leg over the front of my horse while Harm
helps me down. As I dismount, I find myself in his
arms. I don't know how I got there, but here I am
looking once again into his eyes. 
 
"Do you really like it? I'm glad," I utter
breathlessly. I'm such asap. I can't take my eyes from
him and before I know it I kiss him. It only lasted a
few seconds but it felt like eternity. When I come
back to myself, I realize what I just did, and I back
out of his arms. "OH! I'm sorry I didn't mean to do
that, well I did but not..." He stopped me with
another kiss.
 
"Don't worry about it. I'm glad you kissed me. I've
wanted to do kiss you. I have since the first time I
saw you the other day. I really like you." He smiles
and gives me a hug. "Why don't we eat something now?
There are some more things I need to tell you." I nod
my head in acquiescence and I go get the lunch out of
my saddlebag. I'm still out of it from the kiss.
 
*****************************************
You set my spirit free. I'm happy that you do. 
 
*****************************************
 
About an hour later we finish eating and are just
lying lazily on the blanket. Harm stares down at it
and then glances up at me. He looks as if he is deeply
saddened over something. I can see into his soul
though his eyes. There is loneliness there. I touch
his face and its cold. Which makes me worry a bit
more, because it's 80 degrees outside. 
 
"Harm, what's the matter? You can tell me." He sits up
and holds his hand out to me. So, I take it. He pulls
me in for a hug. I lay my head on his shoulder, am not
used to feeling so close to a guy. I never rush into
anything with a guy, but he is so different.
 
"I was just thinking that I wish I had known my dad.
That's all, don't worry about me. I'm happy that mom
said I could move here." I felt sad with him about his
father, but glad that he was happy about being here. 
 
"Beth do you know who that woman in the painting is in
your living room?" I look at him with curiosity.
 
"I think I might know. From what I've gathered her
name is Sarah and my dad was in love with her. Well he
still is. I have heard him call her name out in his
sleep. When I ask Aunt Harriet or Uncle Bud about her
all they will tell me is that I would have loved her
and that my middle name came from her name. I really
don't understand it. Why do you ask?" I look at him,
searchingly, though his eyes tell me nothing this
time.
"The reason I asked is because she looks a lot like
someone I know, that's all. I think we should go now.
It's getting late." We pack up and leave. He
strengthened my unquenchable curiosity about the woman
in the painting. I began wondering on the way home who
the person really  was and how Harm could've known
her. When we get back to the stables we put the horses
away. 
 
"Beth?" Harm calls to me from outside of Alaska's
stall.
 
"Yeah?" I question.
 
"I was wondering if you wanted to go out sometime," He
asks me. At that moment my heart jumps into my throat.
I swallow the giant lump in my throat.
 
"Sure that would be nice." I murmur, trying to
maintain some dignity behind Alaska's hindquarters. 
 
***********************************************************
The book of life is brief. Once a page is read, all
but love is dead. This is my belief.
***********************************************************
 
Two weeks later...
I have had a blast with Harm these past few weeks. And
when we kiss the world around me does not exist. I
love going on trail rides with him and we go to the
same picnic stop at least twice a week. My dad at the
moment has gone on a trip. Actually, he's been gone
for the past two weeks. And, I've been so occupied
with Harm I haven't even thought about the picture or
the mysterious Sarah's true identity. I'm sitting in
the living room when the doorbell rings. I get up to
answer it. I open the door to see the lady from the
painting in front of me. My mouth hangs open. I don't
know what to say, and, even if I did, I'm sure I
couldn't muster any words out at this moment right
now. She notices my _expression and shifts a little
uncomfortably, her smile fading just a bit into
uncertainty. Her voice is warm and gentle. I almost
want to reach out and touch her, make sure she is
truly flesh and blood, and not a ghost, or an angel,
somehow, standing before me.
 
"Hi. Are you okay?" The lady inquires.
 
"Sarah?" Is all I can gasp.
 
"How did you know my name? Are you Beth?" I nod my
head numbly, and then realize that I'm being rude.
 
"I-I'm sorry. I'm being rude. Please come in." I
stammer as I move to let her pass. She comes in and
gives me a hug.
 
"Are you sure you're okay?" She questions me again,
but what do I say to the woman that my dad loves. All
these years she's seemed almost unreal to me.
 
"Yes, I-I am but well the thing is... please follow me
and you'll see..." She nods her assent, and I lead her
to the living room, where the painting is. "As you can
see she looks so much like you and your name is at the
bottom of the painting." Now, it's her turn to
stammer.
 
"Y-yes, I see. Uh, Would you like to know the story
behind that picture? It is me by the way. You've grown
up a lot since last time I saw you. Of course, you
were just a baby at the time." She sat down on the
zebra couch and requested me to sit next to her. I was
still amazed that she was real, and that she looked
even more beautiful than the painting could convey.
 
"First tell me, Beth, is your father around here
somewhere?" She looks at me with a strange _expression
on her face.
 
"No, you don't need to worry about him. He's on a
business trip right now with Uncle Bud." I look at her
and I start to cry. I'm not sure why, maybe because of
the shock, maybe because of her kindness, or maybe I'm
crying for the man who has been like a father to me.
Who never truly forgot this woman. Who's been tortured
by her memory for as long as I can remember. The pain
Sarah's loss has engendered has been his companion all
these years. It never left him. She places her arms
around me and it feels so safe. "Please tell me why
you two are not together."
 
"Is that why you're crying?" she lifts my head to look
at her, and wipes the tears away. And somehow, it
seems like she saw with her large brown eyes the
darkness in my soul, that has been my own companion
all these years. And as she reaches out and brushes
away a tear, that with that touch she also soothes
away some of the pain I've felt. "I can only tell you
my side to it, but before I do that has he even
married?"
 
"No, he has been in love with you all this time. He
calls your name out in his sleep at night and he just
sits here sometimes and looks at your painting for
hours."
 
"Beth, this is this the reason we're not together..."
So I sit here with her arm around my shoulder
listening.
 
"First of all, Harm, your guardian, and I had worked
at JAG for many years and we loved each other. Once we
finally told each other how we felt, we were the
happiest people alive. During this time your mom,
Lauren got pregnant with you. At first I didn't know
that your father was Harm's brother. Your mom left for
awhile because she was going to put you up for
adoption. Harm and I, well, we had been sleeping with
each other for awhile after we had finally admitted
our feelings. I don't know how much you know, but, we
were the champion slow-movers. Eventually, I got
pregnant." She looks at me with a smile and continues.
 
"At that time your mom was about to give birth to you.
Harm and I went to visit her because Harm wanted to
adopt you and, after going to great lengths, and what
seemed like an interminable amount of time, she
finally conceded to letting Harm have guardianship. I
was to become your mom, at least, like a mom, once
Harm and I got married which was going to be very
quickly. As a surprise for me, he used my last name
Mackenzie as your middle name." Now, I knew why Aunt
Harriet kept saying that my middle name came from
Sarah. "We were so incredibly busy all this time, that
I had not had time to tell him that I was going to
have his baby. 
 
Now this may sound foolish to you, it sounds foolish
to me now but back then it didn't. I was about three
months along, and really emotional. I had entered the
office one day to stumble upon your father talking to 
Bud in his office. He was saying, 'Beth didn't sleep
at all last night! I can't imagine going through that
again.' At the time I took to heart what he was
saying. But I didn't let it get to me at first, but
then I walked by his office later in the day and he
was talking to someone on he phone. This is what I
heard, ' . . . one's fine, but two would be out of the
question.'" Sarah seems as if she has a very tenuous
control over the overwhelming emotions she is
reliving, and I hug her. 
 
"It's okay," was all I could say. She takes a deep
breath and then 
starts talking again.
 
"I was upset and I didn't know what to do. I thought
that Harm didn't want the baby and that he had enough
with one. I decided then, and there that I was going
to leave JAG. I needed to provide for my child and
working at JAG was not going to cut it. And so,
without discussing it with Harm, I went to the Admiral
and told him that I was pregnant. From there I took
leave and just left without telling anyone where I was
going except the Admiral whom I had made promise me,
not to tell Harm where I was going."
 
I look at her and see a woman that has gone though a
lot. But I'm upset over about what I'm hearing. "That
doesn't make any sense. My father would never not want
another child. Especially his child. Why didn't he
follow you? Why didn't you two talk?" I question
weakly.
 
"Beth, that's what hurt me more than anything." She
states miserably. He didn't follow me or even ask the
Admiral where I was. He just didn't care and by the
time I found out the true reason he hadn't come after
me, 10 years had passed and it was just too late.
Please, don't ask me why he didn't follow me. You need
to ask him that. I just thought that you should know
the truth to all of this. My son was getting worried
about you. You know he loves you quite a bit." When
she told me that her son loved me, I was shocked, and
it suddenly hit me, Harm looked like my father. 
 
"NO!" I ran from her to the other side of the room.
Aunt Harriet heard me and ran into the living room
were she saw Sarah.
 
"Mac!" She sputters. Then she turns to me and I think
she understands why I screamed. "Beth, sweetie? Are
you ok? I see you've met Mac." Sarah, at the moment,
is standing there, looking lost. Aunt Harriet gives me
a hug. "Beth, I think you need to go take a nap, or go
see Raven. Calm own, okay. She's not going anywhere."
 
As I'm about to leave, I turn around and run into
Sarah's arms. She hugs me hard and plants a small kiss
on top of my forehead. "I have always loved you
Elizabeth, please never forget that." I run out of the
room to find dad in the hallway. I turn my head back
to peer into the room and see Sarah and Harriet
hugging and Harriet looking at me.
 
***************************************************************
Yes, I know how loveless life can be... 

***************************************************************
 
My dad gives me a hug and holds me for a long time. He
leads me intohis study.
 
"I think you need to hear my side of the story,
darling."We sit on his couch and he starts to tell me
his side of the story. 
 
"Sarah and I had been seeing each other for awhile and
I wanted to adopt you because your mom didn't want
you. But you know that already. You also know that
your mom wouldn't let me adopt you, she would only let
me take guardianship over you. So, Sarah and I agreed
that this was better than nothing, and we agreed. I
didn't know that Sarah was going to have my baby. The
first few nights that I had you were trying. Needless
to say, it was exhausting, I was not used to it and I
may have said things I didn't mean. I had always
wanted to have a child with Sarah. 
The comment she heard on the phone, if I remember
correctly, was not even about me. I was talking about
something that the spouse of a deceased soldier, who
was worried that her unborn child could be twins, had
told me." He looked like he was about to cry but he
held it back. Something I had never seen him do my
entire life.While he was talking I heard foot steps in
the hall way that stopped right in front of the study,
but I continued to listen to my dad. 
 
"Sarah, from what I have been told by a close friend
of ours, had taken what I had said wrong. But, like
I've said, I didn't even know that she was going to
have a baby. Then, that same day I get a call from her
doctor trying to confirm the appointment she'd made
for her check-up. At this point, I am astonished, but
very happy and I go and try to find her. But I can't
find her anywhere. Not at her apartment, nor in the
office. I'm sitting in her office when she gets a call
and I pick it up. The person starts to give me
information about how to get an abortion and when Mac,
Sarah, can come in. At this point I'm pretty angry,
and I go to the Admiral to see if he knows where she
is. All he can tell me is that she's taken personal
leave and will not be coming back. By now, I believe
that she has to kill our baby and I want nothing to do
with her. And so, a few days later I leave JAG and
take you to California. You know the rest." That's
when he starts crying. He only lets a few tears slip
past his defenses. I get closer and hug him. "I didn't
know that I still had a son, not until recently. Harm
reminded me of what our child could've looked like,
because he looked so much like me. And I couldn't help
but think about all I had missed. Oh God, I love her
so much!" He sounds miserable and his voice cracks a
little. I've never seen him like this.
 
"This can't be happening! You know that I have fallen
in love withHarm, don't you?" I shout at him as I run
out of the room. I run into Sarah who has tears in her
eyes. She tries to grab me but is not able. My dad
comes out of the door and runs into his long lost
love.
 
"Oh my God!! Sarah?" He says as he falls to the ground
crying. I have never seen him like this. He seems so
fragile. She kneels down and wraps her arms around
him. Her voice trembling, she whispers 
something indiscernible to him.
 
**********************************************************
The shadows follow me, and the night won't set me
free. 
**********************************************************
 
I sit in on my bed with tears streaming down my red,
sore face. I hear a knock on the door and the person
comes in with out waiting for me to say they can. Of
course, it's Harm.
 
"Hey, sweetheart, please don't cry anymore. Be happy
that they found each other again. They needed this
more than any two people needed anything." He says as
he walks over and sits next to me on my bed. He
gingerly wipes away a few tears and softly kisses my
red cheek. 
 
"How can you be so calm, you're my father's son. That
means we are related. It may not be brother and sister
but we are cousins." I place my head on his chest and
he just holds me until I slowly relax. 
 
"Harm let's go for a ride please. I need some fresh
air." He agrees, so we go on a ride.
 
*****************************************************************
But, I don't let the evening get me down. Now that
you're around me.
*****************************************************************
 
Both of us are quiet on the trail that leads to our
favorite spot. I had fallen in love with him in only a
few weeks. I still had not told him how I felt, but 
it doesn't even matter now. We get to the spot and
dismount.
 
"Beth, listen to me. All of this, about Harm being my
father. I knew since I was little. My mom wanted me to
meet him and see if I liked him myself and I do. I
love him." He walks up next to me and puts his arms
around my shoulder. 
 
"Why didn't you tell me? I would have tried to make
myself not fall in love with you." I look at his eyes
and see love in them. "I love you so much." I bury my
head in his chest. 
 
"I love you, too. Don't worry so much, we'll try to
work something out. I'm not going to let you go no
matter what anyone says. Do you understand me?" He
lifts my head and looks into my eyes. My knees feel
weak and I feel my heart racing. He leans down and
kisses me. For a moment, I forget all about what I had
learned earlier.
 
**********************************************************
And I love you so, the people ask me how, how I've
lived 'til now. I tell them, I don't know...
**********************************************************
 
When I get back to the house with Harm, we go inside
to find my dad and Sarah talking. We overhear part of
what they're saying.
 
"Sarah why...after so many years?" My dad questions,
as he rests his hand on her leg and gazes at her with
a look that was so full of love, it's almost
indescribable.
 
"First of all I wanted you to know that you have a
son, even if at the time I thought you didn't want
him. I also wanted to meet the girl that my son has
fallen in love with. And, most of all, I decided I
couldn't live without you in my life anymore." She
looks at him and leans into him. She whispers
something else into his ear, her eyes shining, but I
can't make out what she's saying to him. 
 
"I love you too and I have all this time. God, Mac,
We've wasted so much of it! As if it were nothing; as
if it were there for the taking whenever we wanted.
Like grasping sand on a beach. The minutes were
endless to us." He says as he touches her face and
kisses her with all the tied up passion I had always
suspected he has had for her these past years.She
takes her hand and pulls out a necklace that has a
ring on it. He looked at her with his face aghast.
 
"You still have the ring! Oh Sarah, would you still
marry me after so many years." Her answer was another
kiss. 
 
"Of course I will, I still love you. Now we are
complete family again. 
But what are we going to do about our two love birds
that are hovering outside of this room?" Sarah
queries.
 
Hearing this Harm grabs my hand and we walk into the
living room. Before anyone can say anything I speak
what is on my mind. 
 
"I love Harm and no one is going to make me leave
him." Harm wraps his arms around me.
 
"The same goes for me." He asserts.
 
"Beth, I think there's something you should know. On
the trip that I went on I found out that your mom had
lied to me. My brother is not your father. They never
even slept together. She just said it because I kept
on saying that he was the father and she was tired of
agreeing with me. 
She had admitted this to a nurse in the hospital when
she was half under. The nurse had contacted me
recently, and asked to meet with me. You guys aren't
cousins. I am only your guardian, even though you have
called me your dad all these years. So, you two can be
two together if you like. " I could not believe my
ears!
 
"Come here Beth and give me a hug will you." Sarah
asks sweetly. 
Harm and I leave our parents by themselves and we go
outside where he kisses me. Back in the living room my
guardian, who has always been like a dad to me,
rather, and his new wife to be are kissing.
 
*******************************************************************
 
Two weeks later my dad and Sarah get married. Young
Harm is happy that he gets to live with his girlfriend
but our parents are being really hard on us about
being in each others room after 10 pm. And, I am the
happiest I have ever been. 
 
Love is the one thing that can live though the ages.
 
Love is a simple kiss at sunset with the one you love.
 
Love will heal all broken wounds. 
 
El Fin.