Title: Don't Let Me Be Lonely Final Episode to "An Ordinary Housewife" Feedback: Looking for to your comments please jaime921@hotmail.com Rating: NC17 Spoilers: See Summary Disclaimer: all characters except Jaime are the property of Bellasarius Productions. This story is purely for the enjoyment of its' readers. This story is also therapeutic for the author and hopefully for those who read it. Summary: Four months after AOH, Harm and Mac were working on their relationship and Jaime's life was almost put back together when the Admiral sends Harm and Jaime away overseas per order of the Secnav. The reader takes the part of Jaime again. The final goodbyes are said and life goes on for Jaime and Harm and Mac. Enjoy. Don't Let Me Be Lonely - POV Jaime and Harm Tiner knocked loudly on my door. "Ms. Ross, the Admiral would like to see you asap, Maaam." "Thanks, Tiner" I replied. I wonder what that's all about. Things have been going well here since I came back to work. That was over 4 months ago. I feel comfortable here at JAG, like I belong, really belong. Harm and Mac, I suspect, have worked things out. Harm and I don't talk much about it. We are on friendly terms, though. Every once in a while he gives me a wink and the thoughts that have been locked away come flowing back. I secretly wish he wouldn't, it makes it so much harder. Four months is a long time. I have tried to put it behind me. That intimate time with Harm brought me back to life. I am grateful to him for what he did for me. I still need to keep my distance because all those desires and feelings could come back and that wouldn't be a healthy thing right now. I have been seeing a Lieutenant from the Probate division on the fifth floor. I don't want to rush into anything. I enjoy his company and have kept it to just that. Dinner, a movie, nothing too intimate. I'm just not up to anything more just yet. I immediately leave to see the Admiral. Even though I'm a civilian in a military world I try to give him and everyone else the respect they deserve. They, in turn, do the same. I enter and notice Harm there at attention. I acknowledge them both. "Please have a seat, Ms. Ross, Commander." Orders the Admiral. We both sit simultaneously. Now I'm a little nervous. He rarely calls me in here and never alone with Harm. "I have just received orders for you, Ms. Ross" dictates the Admiral with Harm glancing over at me. The Admiral hands each of us a file. "You must report to each division, review the medicals and receive the documentation from all attending physicians that military personnel have had all their vaccines updated. That means each division will send their reports to one specific designator and you will secure the appropriate documentation for transfer to the new computer program. There are possibly 4 or 5 designators participating. Understood?" as he looked up from his paperwork and over the rim of his glasses. "Yes, Admiral, is there a list of designators? I have never traveled like that before. How do I...?" The Admiral interrupted me quickly, "Yes, that's my next point. Commander Rabb will accompany you to all locations. He will be in charge of when and how to meet each point and assist you with the review. It should take less than 30 days for this assignment to be completed." I felt my mouth drop open. Thirty days away with Harm on submarines, ships, helicopters and God knows what else? I barely turned my head towards Harm to see if he had a reaction. I didn't want the Admiral to sense anything, so I tried not to show much more emotion. Harm just turned his eyes toward me. I have seen him do this so many times. He just moves his eyes without moving his body. His eyes and the tone of his voice complete this perfect man. And, for the first time I couldn't tell what his eyes were saying. "Sir, are you sure the Secnav wants me to do this? I...I...am hardly familiar with....." "Those are the orders!" barked the Admiral. "Dismissed". Harm stood and I followed his motion. Harm retorted "Aye Aye Sir". We turned and left the office. The Admiral smirked at the sight of them leaving his office. I know something went on at JR's apartment, he thought. I just don't know how far they put themselves out there. I hope they can handle this. We walked past Tiner's questioning face, out through the bullpen and towards our own offices in silence. "Well, how about that?" Harm quipped as we neared my office. "We'll have our work cut out for us, huh?" I stopped short, looked at him square on before I turned and slammed the door in his face. Thank God my blinds were closed so no one could see me pace the floor and mumble to myself. Whose idea was it for these blinds? I should thank them. I was so enraged. How could this happen? This could jeopardize his relationship with Mac, never mind make me very uncomfortable. Harm and I can't go away together. I'm afraid of my feelings, what might happen. My mind just got carried away. Harm stood outside her door looking around to see if anyone saw their display. His wrinkled brow and empty expression gave a good hint that he didn't know what prompted her outburst. And of course he didn't think he said or did anything wrong. Or did he? What ticked Jaime off so bad? After a few minutes, the door to Jaime's office opened and Harm only stuck his head in the doorway, "Do you mind telling me what that was all about?" "Don't you knock?" I snapped back and went over to my desk to sit down. "JR", Harm now came all the way in and shut the door behind him. "What's wrong? We have an assignment together, that's all" "What's wrong?" I questioned him with anger. His voice was so soft spoken it could have tricked Jaime into forgetting why she was so mad at him. "What's wrong? Do you think we can handle being away together for a month? Do you think this will be a fun adventure? Not only have I never been near military operations like this, but how do we handle being alone with each other again?" "Are you worried about missing your Lieutenant" Harm smirked sarcastically and he folded his arms defiantly in front of him. "How dare you" I got up from my chair, walked right up to him and stood before him. Our height difference makes it a peculiar sight. Right in his face I stood, as defiant as he is to me. Hoping my stare would penetrate that sometimes-hard head of his that sits on top of those muscular shoulders. "Well, JR", Harm spoke first, "I hope you know I will be a gentleman at all times". He whispered in a sexy tone of voice so I could barely hear him. He was even smiling as if to say "no problem for me'. "Get out, Harm. You are being a tease and a jerk! You go tell Mac you have to leave her for a month and I'll then see that smile wiped off your face!" "JR, really, we can handle this. I'm just trying to lighten things up. Mac and I, well, we are fine but taking things really, really slow, if you get my meaning. She'll understand". Harm had some doubt in his voice. "Besides, no one knows about us", he whispered with a more serious look on his face. "Oh, yea, I think the Admiral does but he isn't letting on". Harm thought about it and remembered back to when they came out from the shower together after Commander Ashton was killed. "JR, listen, I will never do anything to hurt you or Mac. We have an assignment; we will execute it and come home. Nothing more, nothing less, OK?" he asked. All this time they continued to stand within an inch of each other waiting to see who would back away first. "Sure, Harm, it's always so easy for you, isn't it?" I moved first and turned away from him. He knew he wasn't going to smooth things over so he backed out of the office and left. JR shook her head, knowing all to well that this will be hard on them. Doesn't he realize I fell in love with him? Doesn't he know that the night of the Super Bowl party at my apartment was the beginning of life for me? I did act a little crazy just now. I think Harm believes it was because of the guy I have been seeing and he thought he could tease me. I will always love Harm and this trip could be trouble. It's too close, too soon. Mac's Office "Harm, that's a really long time," questioned Mac. "I don't think it would be good for us to be apart like that" "What can I do, Mac? It's an order from the Secnav," he explained. "I guess we'll do the same thing I did on my last TAD, just grin and bear it" Mac said as she put her hand on his as they sat at her desk. "Harm, we never got into what happened at JR's apartment. I mean, nothing happened, did it?" Harm was so surprised that she would ask this question months later. "Mac, that was a long time ago. It was very hard on both of us, I mean, JR's physical health was compromised and I felt responsible. We have put it behind us" he answered, never really admitting to anything and feeling guilty for keeping the secret from her. "I have my suspicions, Harm. I would feel more comfortable if..., I think our relationship would benefit if ... well... need you to ask the Admiral about sending someone else" demanded Mac. "I can't do that and there is no need for suspicions" "You can't or you won't" Mac now was going to push him. "Mac, you refused to ask out of your last TAD, why should I ask out of this assignment?" Harm demanded. "Because Harm, it was my job to go but this is different. I seriously think this will jeopardize our relationship," she cautiously stated. "And it didn't jeopardize us back then and this isn't my job now?" Harm replied not believing what he was hearing. "Mac, you know I love you. You wanted us to go slow, take our time and I have been more than patient, but, Mac, I can't go around defying orders because of our relationship" Harm now was getting more and more angry. "Fine, go, see you when you get back" and Mac turned away from him. "Mac, don't do this" Harm reached for her and she pulled away. Harm took a deep breath and left her office, slamming the door. The Next Day "JR, it's Harm, can I pick you up to go the airport? Harm asked over the phone. "No, it's fine. Jim's driving me" proudly replied JR. Harm didn't like the answer and felt uncomfortable. Maybe now he will understand how Jaime feels and why this whole thing will be hard on her and on Mac. "Oh, ok, I'll see you at the gate" Harm hung up the phone. Man, Mac and JR are both being totally unreasonable. This is just another assignment and they are pulling me at both ends. Harm got to the gate in plenty of time to see this guy kissing JR goodbye. Harm's thoughts turned to Mac, as usual. Mac did wish Harm well on the phone last night. Big deal. I wish she came to the airport. I guess she doesn't like saying goodbye here after what happened with Brumby. I am not Brumby and it bothers me that she couldn't come and see me off. So here I start this trip ticked off at the world. "Hey, Harm. Where is Mac?" as I looked around him for Mac. "She couldn't come. Ah, she has a case to work on" "Sure, she does. Hey, they're calling our row, let's go" I said ignoring his fib about Mac's whereabouts. They found their seats and tried to get comfortable as the plane took off. Luckily Harm could stretch out his long legs. It was to be a long flight and we appreciated the pillows and blankets the stewardess gave us. After a cup of tea and a snack I settled down to nap. Harm on the other hand, had two drinks and no snack. I sense he was upset with Mac and at me. He shouldn't dismiss our feelings too lightly and he's now suffering the consequence. It serves him right. He should acknowledge our feelings and not try to tell us it's no big deal. Harm was squirming a bit too much. "Harm, settle down. Gee, is Mac that mad at you for leaving?" "Yea, for your information she is. She demanded I get out of this assignment and I refused" he pounded his pillow and put it behind his head. "Does she know anything about, about us?" I was afraid to ask. "I don't know for sure. Right now I really don't care about her suspicions or your lieutenant friend." Harm said with anger as he put his seat back and finally got comfortable and closed his eyes. "Hey, my friend has nothing to do with this. I'm surprised he really annoys you. And Harm, I had no intention to be a bother to you and Mac. I'm sorry." I said with genuine remorse. Harm opened his eyes and placed his hand over mine, which happened to be under the blankets that were strewn over us. "It's not your fault or Mac's. I'm just confused about her reaction to this whole thing. Don't you worry about it, OK?" he smiled that beautiful smile. I haven't seen that since...well, I haven't been the recipient of his smile like that for a while. I pulled my hand back and closed my eyes. It would have been comforting to have him hold my hand while we slept, but I know little things like that can create complications. The Weeks that Follow Harm gave me the choice of choosing which designator to meet first. I picked the worst one so to get it over with. The submarine. We spent 5 days on the Watertown. It is an experience I'm glad I had but would not want to repeat again. Everything went smoothly, just as Harm said it would. We then traveled to the Patrick Henry. That was a little more tolerable. After another 6 days, we had our information in tack and traveled to a base camp in Afghanistan. We met up the Gunny and gave him everyone's regards. Harm stayed very close during these visits. There was danger around us at the camps and he was not going to let anything happen again. He also knew that the sailors aboard these vessels enjoyed having women around and I wasn't used to that type of behavior. Each evening when we said goodnight, whether it be on the Watertown or the Patrick Henry, Harm lingered and purposely stalled at my stateroom. Not knowing if he wanted a shoulder to lean on or a body to sleep with, I quickly excused myself inside my room. I couldn't let anything happen. The hand holding on the plane was his first move toward intimacy. I don't think he even realized what he did. At the camps, we had no choice but to bunk in together, thank God it was with other military personal, too. I was very fascinated with the Patrick Henry. He brought me out to vulture's row each night before turning in. It was so beautiful, the moon and the stars were glowing. The moonlight bounced off the ocean. We would stand in comfortable silence or we would talk about our visions, our families, mostly about the aftermath of the search for his father and Harm's life and career on the carrier. My mind drifted often to the night we captured the moon on the rooftop several months ago. I wondered if Harm ever thinks about that night. At first he would wink and smile, our signal, but now they are far and few between. That is a good sign that he and Mac are doing well. Even if he did remember every now and then, sadly enough, we both know we could never go there again. Harm reached over and brushed the hair out of my eyes that the wind had blown. His thumb and index finger rested on my chin and he turned my head towards him and smiled. "It's nice I can share this with you. It's nice to be here in the moonlight with you, too" His thumb stroked my cheek. "This was a big part of my life" he stared into my eyes as he spoke softly. "I love hearing about it." I quietly replied and yes, he did remember about the moon. I reached up for his hand and removed it from my face. I placed his hand on the railing. "Sorry. I didn't mean to.....sorry" he responded. "Harm, this is nice here. I love seeing all this through your eyes." I hesitated, but knew I had to acknowledge what happened. "Harm, we have to keep our distance, remember?" "Jaime, I feel lost in between you and Mac. Again, Mac makes things complicated. I have waited patiently for her to...to want me without being so scared that our relationship will crumble. I understand and I will wait. On the other hand, I see you with the Lieutenant and I admit I get jealous. I know what he has and it's all the things I miss about you...about us. I remember those nights, all those times... and I can't bear to think of another man sharing that with you." "Harm, how do you know 'what he has' with me? That's my personal business. Do you expect me to not have another man in my life, but you can have Mac?" I didn't tell him that I couldn't bear the thought of sleeping with another man right now. I didn't tell him that I dream of his touch every night. "Harm, you can't have two women. You can only have Mac." "I know and I'm sorry for assuming you two were.....after all, you two have dated for a couple of months now" he replied apologetically. "Don't assume anything, Harm. I'm a bit tired now, I'm going to my room." I left quickly and I left him standing there alone. These moments when we discuss Mac are wearing me down. I just want to go home. "Hey, there, Ms. Ross. Are you alone tonight?" asked Lieutenant Donovan as he stopped me at the bottom of the stairs. We saw Mr. Donovan earlier when we passed by him and his buddies having after dinner drinks. Harm knows I detest heavy drinking so he rescues me by taking me up to vulture's row every night. "Excuse me, Lieutenant Donovan. I'm very tired and I'm turning in for the evening". I stated dryly and tried to get by him. I could smell the alcohol on his breath. That smell makes me panic and want to run. I need to get away quickly. "Not so fast. It's a nice evening; why not keep me company up on deck. You know, women like you don't stay with us on board ship too often. Us guys like to take what we can get, when the getting is good" he laughed as he put his arms on either side of me and my back was up against the proverbial wall, so I couldn't move either way. "Lieutenant, it would be in your best interest to let me be. I'm not going anywhere with you" I tried to escape turning both ways, but he kept me in front of him. I feel more terrified as time goes on. "Why, are you too good for me because you have a 'Commander' to screw? Where is your lover boy now? He drunkenly suggested. That's a good question, I thought. Where is Harm? "That's enough, Lieutenant. Let me by" I demanded trying not to show him that I was about to flip out in a second. Lieutenant Donovan grabbed me under the neck and held my head still and forced a kiss. I struggled against him, but he is way to strong for me. I wish I were trained like Mac to defend myself. She is so self sufficient and strong. I envy her now. He reached down and grabbed my breast. I tried to scream and push him away. He slapped my face, actually more of a punch, and I fell flat on my back, hitting my head. He came down on top of me in an instant. I let out a scream just as Harm came down from the deck. He pulled Donovan off me and knocked him out with one punch. "Jaime" he yelled. "Harm, ouch" as I felt the lump and bruise on my face and head. Harm helped me up. "Did he...did he do anything else to you?" Harm asked as he checked on the bruises that now appeared on my face. "No, only because you showed up. Dam men, why can't they just leave me alone" I pushed away from Harm trying to get to my room but felt a wave of nausea and dizziness come over me. "Whoa, wait a minute, JR. You're in no condition to be left alone. Let's go to sickbay." Harm said as he took hold of my arm and led me to down the corridor. "No, no, sick bay. I don't want anybody touching me. Just take me to my room" I cried. "Fine, but I'm coming with you and I'm staying with you" and with that statement Harm called security and they took the Lieutenant to the brig. Captain Ingalls spoke with us to understand exactly what happened. He will recommend charges of aggravated assault and battery and attempted rape. Harm opened the door to my room and I sat on the bed. "Let me help you" Harm urged me as he tried to check out all the bruises on my neck and face. I struggled against him. "Just leave me alone. Dam it, I'm so angry right now." I rose off the bed, frantically walking in circles in the space allowed by the small stateroom. "That jerk actually insinuated that I was too good for him because I was 'screwing' you." I pointed to Harm and his eyes opened so wide, then his mouth tightened to release his furious look. "When I think about it," I continued "Ashton thought he was too good for his wife and killed her, this Lieutenant wants any female he could get his hands on which tonight happened to be me. And you..." I looked right at Harm with fire in my eyes, "and you think you can play between two women? Ya know, all you men really suck! I should've stayed on the Coast and lived my quiet normal ordinary life." "Jaime, no, don't say that....how could you think...? I would never hurt you" Harm stood up and moved towards me. "How could you say that after... after what we shared? You know how I feel about you." Harm's look was so terrified and he thought for a split second that Jaime might really mean it. He was hurt and confused, maybe not realizing what he is actually doing to Jaime. Being so close was hard on her and she was still vulnerable. He should have protected her more and he didn't. Jaime turned away from him. He now stood behind her with his hands on her shoulders and his face buried in her hair. I didn't move to get away, but bowed my head, as I had to apologize "I'm sorry, Harm You are a good man. You are nothing like them. I just... I just.... Want to be left alone." Harm turned me around toward him, "No, Jaime, even if I have to sleep on the floor, I won't leave you tonight. Your bruises need ice and you may have a concussion. I'm not going to leave you for a moment. I've ordered some Tylenol and ice packs. They're being delivered along with some juice. Do you need anything else?" "No" I sat on the bed and started to shake. It may have been from the trauma, it may have been from the stress of the past four months or it may have been from the fact that I wanted Harm to be with me, but I couldn't stop shaking. "Jaime, let me help you." Harm quickly sat next to me and held me. "Shhh, it's going to be alright. I promise. We're leaving tomorrow for Italy; we'll be away from here. I'm sorry this happened." I couldn't send him away. His words are so trusting. I felt so much better with him holding me. He is so strong and warm. I wanted to reach out and return his embrace but I didn't have the strength. There was a knock on the door and Harm answered it and came back with the ice and medicine. Finally, I lay down under the blankets. Harm stayed on top of the blankets and held me, rubbing my head and holding the ice pack on my bruised face. I feel fast asleep, not even bothering to make Harm sleep on the floor. Harm must have gotten cold during the night because when I woke he was right beside me, legs entangled and his big arms wrapped around me. I closed my eyes again and the tears fell hard off my cheek because my whole body hurt and I was scared. Still it felt so good to have Harm here with me. Yet, he can't keep doing this to me. I fell back asleep until the morning. We both woke and Harm apologized for sneaking under the covers. We got ourselves ready to leave. Captain Ingalls apologized again and commended us on the good work we did. Back at JAG, the Admiral was angry when the attempted rape was reported to him. He told us that he would readily prosecute the Lieutenant with a little more 'enthusiasm' than normal. We left for Italy. Hopefully, we could complete the whole assignment before the thirty days. We arrived at the Embassy. What a beautiful place. Here it was more like a vacation resort. The Admiral told us to take a few days off and enjoy the scenery. We stayed at the Embassy in adjoining rooms. I found it odd that there would be adjoining rooms, but I never ask too many questions. Harm never hesitated to give me background information and the history of city as we traveled around. He had been here several times and was very familiar with the area. We dined at a lot of nice local eateries. Still we had work to do, knowing that as soon as it was done we could relax for a while. My bruises were healing even though I sported a black cheekbone and eye. We spent all of our time together and we tried to keep things civil and business like. I enjoyed sharing his day to see him interact with his peers. I knew my part in this whole thing and I did my job well. Confidence Nine. (How about that?) I think he noticed how far I had come since the first day we met. It was with his help that my life has taken such a turn. "Jaime, I have been watching you work over the past few weeks and I must tell you that you do a great job. You are wonderful with the staff and service people and you understand the protocol that goes along with the job. You're the perfect person for this job." "Harm, thanks. You're opinion means a lot to me" Jaime felt like she was on cloud nine. She felt good and Harm just boosted her confidence a lot more. Finally, it was the first day of our "short vacation". Harm was able to wear civilian clothes. He always takes my breath away whether he is in his dress whites or regular jeans and shirt. We went all over the city sightseeing. After leaving early in the morning, we came back for a late dinner at a local coffee house not far from the Embassy. It was a wonderful day and I think he relaxed a bit. Military personnel frequented the coffee house, mixing in with a few locals. Dinner was delicious. Harm was hoping to see some people he knew. He did, and it was nice for him to visit with his peers. After dinner, Harm turned very quiet. I assumed he was getting tired. This pub had a little stage where the audience could do a little karaoke or play live. The guests in the audience took turns showing their talents. The last set featured the remaining volunteer performers and Harm decided to give it a try. "Harm this isn't like you? What has gotten into you tonight?" I laughed as he went up on stage. He seemed shy as he accepted the guitar from the host. Harm sang and played a beautiful song by James Taylor. Do me wrong, Do me right Tell me lies but hold me tight Save your goodbyes for the morning light But don't let me be lonely tonight The audience was silent, listening to his beautiful ballad. I melted away and the sound of his voice. Soft and silky was his tone. He must really be missing Mac. Say goodbye and say hello Sure enough good to see you, but its time to go Don't say yes, but please don't say no I don't want to be lonely tonight Go away then, dam ya Go on and do as you please You ain't gonna see me getting' down on my knees I'm undecided and your heart's been divided. You've been turning my world upside down. Do me wrong, Do me right Go on and tell me lies but hold me tight Save your goodbyes in the morning light But don't let me be lonely tonight I don't want to be lonely tonight No, No I don't want to be lonely tonight... Everyone clapped, the loudest hand of the night, the host said. "Harm, that was so beautiful" was all I could say as he sat back down at our table. I felt tears sting my eyes. "Mac should have heard this." People were congratulating him. "Harm, have you spoken to Mac today" I inquired and we sipped our drinks. "Yea, she is fine and she says hello," he said nodding his head to the passerby's that were giving him thumbs up. "She hopes you're alright and will gladly teach you self defense when we get home" he reported with a quick polite smile. "Good, I need to know how to drop kick a guy.... Hey, what's wrong Rabb?" Harm suddenly looked more down and out than before. "You've been acting funny all night. This is a vacation, lighten up." "That song wasn't for Mac. Jaime, it was for you." With his head still bowed, he raised just his eyes to see my reaction. "Harm, the song was beautiful, but for me? I stood up and leaned over the table almost knocking heads with him "Harm, I'd never "tell you lies and hold you tight' if I ever had the chance again to hold you tight...well...lying to you isn't what I'd be doing" I whispered right to his face. I couldn't say anymore. I just walked away and out of the pub. Look in My Heart The fresh air felt good. Luckily I knew how to get back to the Embassy, which wasn't a far walk. Suddenly, I was grabbed from behind and spun around. It was Harm. "JR, don't walk away from me. Dam you, you're doing it to me again" he raised his voice a lot louder than I have ever heard him. "Now what in the world have I done TO YOU?" trying to lower my voice so he would follow my tone. People were staring at us. He put his hands on his hips and looked out at nothing. I could tell he was exasperated and people were going to see more than they bargained for. "We spent the whole day together and I turned into a regular guy again. I am comfortable and at peace when I'm with you. I don't want it to end. You get to me, you bring out the me underneath all this military stuff," he put his hand to his chest showing me how deep it comes from, "and I want to be with you" he said as he grabbed my arms again and he wasn't too gentle either. "Mac and I are a little lost right now. I also feel lost from you, too. Just like I said 'I don't want to be lonely tonight" and his tone finally went down to a whisper as he put his lips to my ear. "Harm, remember, it's about Mac. Not me." I reminded him. "You have to work this out with her before it eats us all alive. Look, I'm going back to my room, alone, to get a good night's rest. Harm, you're hurting my arms" I pulled his hands off me and turned away again and starting walking at a fast pace. "I'll walk you to your room. You're not going to be left alone, remember?" he said as he caught up to me. "JR, JR, hold on." I stopped without even looking at him. "What Harm, what do you want NOW?" "JR, thank you for today" He stood in front of me and stooped down a little trying to get my attention and probably trying to make up for this unusual confrontation we just had. I tried to avoid looking into his beautiful face, especially his eyes. "JR, ok, let's stop this. I really want to thank you for a wonderful day. I didn't mean for it to end like this, I wanted it to be a beautiful night, too." His smile grew bigger the more he was trying to persuade me. "Harm, you did make this day wonderful for me, too." I said looking down on the ground almost now smiling myself. "JR, can I hold your hand, please?" he asked like a child pouting for more. Harm offered out his hand and I took it against my better judgment. How well I remember that the littlest physical contact with him or a smile or a look from those beautiful eyes can initiate the most passionate lovemaking. We returned to our rooms and he opened the adjoining door. "I'd like to keep this open. It just makes me feel better" he looked at me expecting me to argue with him. I didn't. I will feel better with the door open, too. "How is the bump on your head? Do you need more ice? He asked trying to look over my bruises again... "No, I'm fine. I'm taking a shower and heading for bed. Goodnight, Harm." I looked at him and just that one little hesitation drove him right over. He took me in his arms and kissed me. It was just like the kisses before. It all came back. How wonderful it felt, how right it felt. Damn, this shouldn't be happening and I can't stop it. Again, he has taken me too far. He holds me but pulls away from the kiss. He looks into my eyes pleading with me to let him continue. He rubs his nose along mine while he lightly places short sweet kisses on my lips. Our foreheads are pressed together and his lips kept touching my face. I don't remember my eyes closing or when our breathing grew heavier. My fingernails stroked the back of his neck and we both let out the slightest of groans, enough to know what was now happening between us. I know he wants a sign from me to continue. He is such a gentlemen that way. He would never take without knowing it was all right. His cell phone rings. I jump out of his arms covering my mouth with my hand as he gives the phone a disgusted look. "Rabb", he looks over to me and says "Oh, Mac, hi." I turned and hurriedly grabbed my clothes and fled to the bathroom. Harm held his arm out to me as if to say 'wait, this wasn't suppose to happen like this'. He looked toward the ceiling, shaking his head. When I was done with my shower I sat there for a while vowing that this was it. My heart can't take this anymore. I just can't handle this. Maybe leaving JAG would be the right thing to do. This was never my intention when I took this job. This was supposed to be a rebuilding of my life, not a tearing apart of my heart and soul. I came out and Harm was gone. I felt a little relieved not to have a confrontation with him right now. I was just too tired. "JR?" it was Harm entering from his room dressed in his sweatpants and t-shirt ready for bed, too. "I'm sorry about that. Mac just wanted to inform us that she and Sturgis are going to the Patrick Henry to handle the Donovan case. They may need to hear our statements again." I didn't respond. "JR, did you hear me?" I turned to him with a strong mad rage. I threw the brush at him, hitting him in the chest. If I weren't so angry at the situation I would have laughed at the surprised look on his face. I started yelling at him and crying hard at the same time. "Dam you Harmon Rabb, you can't keep doing this to me" the crying became louder and harder "Get out of here. You can't go from my bed to hers. I can't take it anymore." Harm drew back and watched me lose control. "You think we can continue this behind Mac's back? Don't you think I know you love her and you'll spend the rest of your life with her? God, I'm just a fill in when you feel sorry for yourself or Mac can't "Come to You" as fast as you would like!" "No," Harm kept shaking his head, "No, JR, that's not true. God, Jaime, that's not how I feel." Harm took hold of me and I pounded his chest with my fists, still crying hysterically. I have totally lost control in front of a man that I dearly love. He held my hands then wrapped his arms around me like a straightjacket. I couldn't move a muscle, but I could still cry. We sat on the bed and I cried and sobbed into his chest for what seemed like hours. Finally my rage gave out to pure exhaustion. Harm lifted me up, undressed us both and we lied down in the bed. I turned from him and he spooned into me. He stroked my hair and neck, running his hands down my back to my waist and gently past my hips. He continued this sometimes stopping to reach out to my breasts, moving his fingers down my stomach and out to my hips again. This continued for the longest time. His lips found my neck and shoulder and his fingers traced circles down my back roaming between my legs. He finally turned me onto my back and I embraced him for dear life. This beginning of our lovemaking was also the end for us. We knew it had to be. Harm, all of JAG nation, his family and half of the military knew Harm and Mac belonged together. It wouldn't be accepted for them to end up with anyone else. (Right?) We knew the unkind words we said to each other really meant that things needed to be straightened out quickly. Still, we knew we had tonight and nothing was going to stop us. Harm continued stroking with his hands until I guided his fingers to the place that ached for them. His fingers drove me wild and my hips rose and fell with his movements. He took my breasts one at a time into his mouth and all I could do is hold his head closer to my chest. Then his tongue found mine. We kissed and lost all control. His mouth then moved to my neck and shoulders. His hands and his tongue found the rest of my body and took me straight to ecstasy. I offered, through my kisses, to please him, but he wanted to save it for me. He entered me with all his might and continued until we lost our breath. "God, I love you, Harm" I choked on my tears. "JR, I love you, too" he whispered. It was at this moment that I knew I would feel this way forever. Now matter what happens I will always have a place for Harm in my heart and a part of me will always love him. We lay side by side now facing each other. Harm stayed inside me until nature released him. We stroked each other and continued kissing and hugging. We hugged so tight that with Harm's strength I could barely breathe. It felt as though our hearts were trying to touch. Then to our surprise a beautiful song came on the radio. It was by Grant/Gill When I look into your heart, I see us holding each other I can finally see forever, when I look into your heart I've see the moon dance on the waters, Watched the morning sun slip through the trees But the sight of you is a vision, That takes me to my knees When I look into your heart, I see us holding each other, I can finally see forever, When I look into your heart I've never known such comfort I've never felt such release, I've never felt so connected, I've never known such peace. When I look into your heart, I see us holding each other I can finally see forever When I look into your heart I can finally see forever When I look into your heart. "That song is appropriate, huh?" whispered Harm "It says exactly what I have been trying to tell you all along" he's now propped up on his elbow looking down at me, "about the things I've never felt in such a long time, liking being a regular man, feeling at peace, feeling comfort. You have touched my heart." "Harm" I said slowly after we kissed again. "Harm, if we never are together again after tonight, and we both know we can't be, know that I am forever changed because of you and what you have meant to me. You will always be a part of me, I'm glad our lives touched. You make me happy, confident and you helped me become real again. I know I can't stay with you, but I want you to know how happy you made me even for a little while." He kissed me on the forehead, "I know" he tenderly whispered, "I know. You have changed my life and have shown me things in a way I never thought I could be allowed to feel. I can never let the thought of you go". "Shhh" I said, "let's sleep" and we both closed our eyes and slept. Very early the next morning, Harm was still sound asleep and I dressed, packed my bags wrote him a note to say goodbye. I didn't tell him that that Mac was on her way. I left the note on the pillow and called a cab. I looked at Harm lying in my bed for the last time. I look over this body, I pictured in my mind his smile and I can hear the softness in the tone of this voice. I kiss him lightly on the forehead and I leave, crying. Harm woke a little bit later, "Hey, JR, what ya doing?" He looked around and saw no one. Harm got up and looked in the bathroom and his room. "JR, where are you?" he now was a little anxious that JR wasn't there. He saw the note on the pillow "What the hell is this?" Harm read the note Dear Harm: Do you know the feeling when you lay in bed at night and you reach that place between sleep and awake? It's called your dreams. That's the only place I can love you now and that's where I'll be waiting. Mac will be at your door at 10:00. Don't mess things up this time. I'll see you back at JAG. Love with the moon and the stars, JR "My God," Harm put his hands to his head almost destroying the note. "JR left, she's gone?" It was too soon, too quick. A knock came to the door. "Harm, Harm are you there" Mac yelled and knocked harder. Harm looked at the note and at the door, not knowing what to do. "Yea, just a minute" he looked around quickly and stuck the note in his pants pocket. He opened the door and there she was. "Hey, Harm. Can I come in or do I get your statement in the hallway here?" "Sure, Mac, come on in" he said still a little shaken. "Is JR next door?" "Ah, no, she is gone. I mean she left for JAG" "I'm surprised, it was her idea for me to come here" Mac looked around remembering the phone call JR made asking her to come. Mac knew she couldn't wait any longer. She needed Harm's commitment and she needed it now. "Maybe she had a little insight and meant for us to meet up alone?" Mac said softly. "Harm, Harm, what is wrong with you?" "Nothing, Mac, say let me shower and we'll go to breakfast and talk" "No Harm, I think we need to do more than talk," said Mac taking the initiative. She moved over to him and placed her hands on this chest. "Harm, our time is now, we need to get things out in the open." She stood on her tiptoes and lightly kissed his lips. Harm froze and just looked at her, afraid to move. "Harm?" Suddenly, he embraced her and whispered "Mac, you're right" Harm kissed her and he knew what he had to do......................................... Back At JAG Three days later, JR opened the door to her office and noticed her plants needed a watering. She reached for the water can and went to the ladies room to fill it up. She returned and worked to revive her thirsty plants. She then checked the mail piled high on her desk. Moments later, Harriet knocked on her door "Hey, Jaime, welcome back. Did you hear the good news, Harm and Mac are back and they are going to make an announcement. Come on so you don't miss it!" "Yea, Harriet, I'll be right there". Harriet scooted out the door. Things must have gone well between Harm and Mac. "How can I go out there?" I thought. Quickly, I closed my blinds and shut the door. Maybe they won't notice I'm missing. I placed a call to Jim to let him know I was home. He agreed to meet me for dinner tonight. I listened as Harm and Mac came off the elevator. I peeked though the blinds and saw everyone gather around them. Harm has his hand on her back and they were smiling. Harriet hugged them both; there was a lot of hand shaking and congratulatory kisses. The tears built up in my eyes and my chin started to quiver. I closed the blinds and returned to my desk. I knew they were engaged. I knew it was right. I couldn't concentrate on my work so I surfed the net just wasting time until lunch. I looked down at my sneakers and thought a long walk would do me good. I escaped unseen out the side door of JAG. It was a brisk day, the best kind for walking. I put my headphones on and started my route. Just down the way, Harm was sitting on the stonewall. He always looks too wonderful in his uniform. His cap tilts just forward enough to cover his eyes a bit and his shoulders fill out the jacket beautifully. Either civilian wear or navy garb, Harm stands out as the most handsome person in the world. He stood as he saw me come down the sidewalk. We smiled at each other and I pushed the headphones down around my neck. "I figured you would walk today. It's your kind of walking weather" he grinned, "Can I walk with you?" "Sure, I guess" I shrugged my shoulders at him and we started to walk slowly. "Jaime, I missed you this morning when Mac and I came back." "I didn't think you'd notice" "Oh, I noticed alright. You heard?" "Yea, congratulations" I said as I almost choked on my words. "Thanks", he said softly as he stopped me from walking and turned me towards him. "Jaime" "Harm, look, you don't need to say anything. If you want me to leave JAG, I will. I can go back East...." "No, Jaime, look, you left from the Embassy so suddenly before we could talk again..." "Harm, I set the whole thing up with Mac because it just had to be. It had to be done, you know that" "Yea, it's the right thing to do. It's hard though when I think of..." "You're telling me! Harm, you can't think of that anymore. Well, maybe when the moon comes up." I half smiled and looked up at the sky so the tears in my eyes wouldn't flow down my cheek. "Or, when I'm between sleep and awake - in my dreams." He said smiling and quoted my note. I smiled back wanting so much to slip away in his arms. "Harm, can we do this? I mean, can we act like nothing happened for Mac's sake?" I pleaded "We have to and we will. Jaime, remember Mac and I weren't...well, we weren't exclusive to each other during our time together. I hope that can comfort us both, a little at least." "Harm, I promise you this, that if it gets too difficult for me, I will leave. You do know, I'll never forget the days and nights we had, the times when it was just you and I. Down deep inside I hoped we'd be together, but now I realize it was just a dream in my own mind." I finally broke down and sobbed. Harm pulled me into him. My head lay in his chest and his hands entangled in my hair and around my shoulders. I didn't want to do this. I didn't want to cry, but I couldn't stop. "Jaime, I wanted us to be together, too. A part of me still does. But, your right, Mac and I have something. It's totally different from you and me. I don't want you to leave and I respect you for keeping us private. Every time I look at you I will remember what we had. Let's not be sad about this, I'm glad we happened. I'm glad I could feel so good with you." Harm released Jaime and looked deep into her eyes. "Harm, you should go back before someone misses you." "JR, are you alright?" "Yea, sure, everything has worked out just like the way we always knew it would, right from the start, right? "Yea, right, Jaime" Harm said unconvincingly. Harm hugged me. We embraced each other like it was the end of the world. Actually, it was the end of our world. He stroked my cheek and kissed me on the forehead. I smiled through my tears and nodded because no words would come out. He turned and left. I put my headphones back on and kept on walking. I kept on walking and crying. I felt so bad inside. And as usual, within minutes a song rang in my ears from the headphones. Harm went back to his car and got in. He just sat there feeling terrible. His heart was heavy. Soon, he started the engine and turned up the radio hoping to distract him from the sadness he felt. The commercial turned to a song. What a song. Harm chuckled slightly because that is one thing he and JR always noticed. They always noticed the songs on the radio and how they seem to play and appropriate times. This song actually brought tears to his eyes. He leaned his head on the steering wheel not believing what he was hearing. Without knowing it, Harm and Jaime listened to this song simultaneously. Please Remember by LeAnn Rimes Coyote Ugly Time, sometimes the time just slips away And you're left with yesterday Left with the memories I, I'll always think of you and smile And be happy for the time I had you with me Though we go our separate ways I won't forget, so don't forget The memories we made Please remember, Please Remember I was there for you And you were there for me Please remember, our time together The time was yours and mine While we were wild and free Please Remember, Please Remember me Goodbye, there's just no sadder word to say And it's sad to walk away With just the memories Who's to know what might have been We'll leave behind a life and time I'll never know again...... And how we laugh and how we smile And how this heart was yours and mine And how a dream was out of reach I stood by you, you stood by me We took each day and made it shine We wrote our names across the sky We ride so fast, we ride to free And I knew that you had me Please remember, please remember Harm and Mac were married a few months later. I went to the wedding, more not to cast suspicion, than wanting to see them together. I do see them every day in work, but the wedding was different. It was a different kind of pain. They truly deserve to be together. All of JAG nation can be rest assured that Harm and Mac are together. Jaime continued feeling good about herself, building confidence and having a pretty nice life. Not an ordinary life, but a nice life. One could consider this a happy ending.