Author: Kim Austin 

Title: December 24. 

E-mail: harmkim@yahoo.com

Rating: PG-13 for a little language and some angst.

Spoilers: Ghost of Christmas Past is the only real
spoiler in here!

Summary: The year after meeting Jenny Lake at the wall
Harm does a little soul searching, and then Mac shows
up! For the sake of the story there is no Renee, never
has been and never will be!

Authors note: After seeing Ghost of Christmas Past I
just had to write a fic about it, and here it is.

This fic is sort of sappy, sort of angsty and I am not
sure even I agree with my Harm characterisation, but
here we go. 

This is dedicated to my friend and critic Karen, as
always thank you for your friendship and help!

 

 

Harm’s apartment.

December 24.

 

 

Why his mother had ever given this to him was still a
mystery to Harm. She had given it to him out of
kindness and love, there was no doubt in his mind
about that, but still the big question “Why” played in
his mind. He had only opened it once, the album, the
year before, when his mother gave it to him he had
flipped it open seeing the picture on page one. A
picture of a newborn baby boy and the proud father
holding him in his arms. Harm and his dad.

 

He never opened the album again after seeing that
picture. He didn’t want all the emotions he had hidden
away to surface again. He didn’t want to feel all of
that pain and hurt of a six-year-old losing his
father. So the album had been hidden away for almost a
year now, in a drawer, in his desk at HQ. Why he kept
it there Harm wasn’t sure of. Maybe because leaving it
at work made it seem less personal and thereby less
painful. But yesterday when he left work he brought
the album home with him. 

And now he was sitting on the couch, beer in hand
staring at the brown leather with his initials on it.
H.R. Jr. it said simply. Harm ran his finger along the
gold letters on the front, the soft cold feeling of
the leather reminded him of the way his father’s
bomber jacket felt when he hugged him. The scent was
much the same as well. That distinct smell of leather
combined with his father’s aftershave was a scent Harm
knew he would never forget. He still couldn’t be near
a man wearing that aftershave without wanting to ask
him to go shower. 

 

Harm inhaled deeply and looked away from the book in
his lap. Just looking at the album was painful and
Harm knew that pain would be much greater as soon as
he opened the album and saw that first picture of
himself and his father. 

Another gulp of beer disappeared down Harm’s throat
and he shook his head at the semi warm liquid in his
mouth. When he had come home from his trip to the wall
two hours ago, having a few beers seemed like a good
idea, now Harm wasn’t so sure. Alcohol never did do
any good, he knew that as well as any other
responsible adult – But sometimes alcohol numbed pain,
or intensified it!

 

“Okay.” Harm spoke to himself. The were no one there
to hear him, no neighbours in the near proximity, no
mom or Frank, no friends, no Mac. Harm sighed at his
own thoughts, he had thought of Mac after thinking of
friends – The reason was simple. Mac was so much more
than a friend. Mac was the woman he loved, the woman
who constantly challenged him to be the best he could
be and who belonged to someone else. Harm sighed and
carefully flipped the album open, there was nothing on
the first page except his initials again, H.R. Jr.
still in the same style gold letters. The paper looked
old and Harm wondered if this was something his mother
made for him or if it was something his father made
for him. She hadn’t said anything giving it to him and
he had only responded with the same silence, not
knowing what to say! Since he had only looked at the
very first picture Harm didn’t know how many were in
there, or if they were all of him and his father. He
took a deep breath and flipped another page, the
picture of his father holding him catching reflections
from the lamp on his desk. Harm brought the album a
bit closer to himself and looked at the picture. He
did look so much like his father, the face looking up
at him was his own and the tiny boy in his arms was
him too. It was scary how much he looked like his
father, his mother often said it should be
biologically impossible to look that much a like. But
to Harm it wasn’t and Harm was sure if he ever had a
son he would look just like he did and his father
before him.

 

“Okay Rabb.” Harm mumbled to himself and then shook
his head. He hated the fact that this was so hard for
him, the logical side of him kept chanting that it was
only pictures, only pictures. But to Harm they were so
much more. They were stories of things in his life he
remembered dearly and wanted to forget at the same
time. They were pictures of the part in him that hurt
the most, the part of him that was his father’s son.
The one to make him proud!

 

“Yeah he’d be real proud now!” Harm muttered and
placed the album on the table in front of him. His
father would have laughed his head of seeing him here
not able to open a simple album.

Harm reluctantly left his warm spot on the couch and
poured the rest of his beer in the sink, it was too
warm to be any good anyway. He looked around in his
neat apartment and remembered his father helping him
clean his room because his mom told him too. Harm
closed his eyes and he could see his father folding up
a t-shirt and placing it in the top drawer of his
dresser. 

 

“You should do as you momma tells you Harm.” He said
and sent Harm a stern look. Harm remembered nodding
and looking away. He knew when his father was angry
and this was one of the rare times.

 

“I’m sorry daddy.” He said and his father had picked
him up and hugged him like only he could.

 

“That’s okay little Harm.” He had whispered into
Harm’s ear and then put him down again. The day after
that his father left for Vietnam, again, and Harm
never saw him again.

 

A knock on the door tore Harm from his memories and he
dried of his cheek realizing only then he was crying.

Harm took a deep breath and thought carefully before
walking to the door. As far as he knew no one was
supposed to come visit him tonight of all nights. His
mom and Frank were on a cruise and Keeter was partying
on Hawaii with ten beautiful women – according to
Keeter himself that was.

 

Harm opened the door and his eyes met the ones of
Sarah Mackenzie on the other side.

 

“Mac?…hey.” He said stupidly and stared at her. Seeing
Sarah Mackenzie on his doorstep was something Harm
wasn’t used to, anymore.

 

“Hey Harm……may I come in?” Mac asked after a little
while of just staring into his eyes.

 

“Ah….sure, sorry…come in.” Harm mumbled and then
stopped himself. He wondered what she was doing here
and why

 

Mac stepped past him and sent him a funny look. She
could see tears in his eyes and wondered what made him
cry. But even more she wondered how she could help
him.

 

“I don’t mean to be rude.” Harm started but then
stopped himself. Mac probably had a perfectly good
reason to be here and she would tell him in a second.

 

“I’m not sure why I’m here Harm.” Mac said almost as a
whisper. Gone was that theory.

 

Harm looked at the album on the table and the back at
Mac. 

 

“Want coffee?” He asked carefully and tried not to
look at her. Even though they were no where near
friends at this point Harm knew Mac could still see
into his soul and he didn’t want her to right now.

 

“Sure, thanks.” Mac replied and smiled. Harm felt his
knees give a little and mentally shook his head. He
quickly busied himself with making coffee and
concentrated all his energy on that.

 

Mac slowly walked to the table by the couch, it had
been a while since she had visited the man who used to
be her best friend, the man who still was - if you
asked her. She carefully sat down in the soft couch
and pulled her legs up under her, it was funny how at
home she felt here even though she barely knew the
person living here anymore. Mac noticed the brown
album on the table, she leaned forward a little and
read what it said. H.R. Jr., Mac smiled she had always
loved the way Harm’s name felt on her lips when she
said it. Harmon Rabb Jr. Mac spoke softly and lifted
her gaze from the album to look at the man in the
kitchen. He had his back to her apparently waiting for
the coffee to finish, something about him seemed
different today, he didn’t carry himself quite as
proudly as he always did, or used to do. Mac returned
her attention to the album in front of her, it had a
funny effect on her – In a way she wanted to pick it
up and see what was inside but something inside told
her that it was very personal and she let it be.

 

“Coffee is ready.” Harm carried to steaming hot mugs
with him and placed one in front of 

Mac, then he sat down in the nearby chair.


“Merry Christmas.” Mac said out of nowhere and Harm
actually managed to smile to her.

 

“Merry Christmas Mac.” He replied and took a sip of
the scolding liquid in his cup, he licked his lips
afterwards and lifted his gaze. Mac’s eyes met his as
she took a sip from her cup. The awkwardness was thick
but still none of them seemed to want to be anywhere
else but where they were, with each other. A few
minutes passed in silence until Harm noticed snow
falling outside his window. 

 

“Snow.” He said his voice showing emotion he wasn’t
aware of.

 

“Urrgg, cold.” Mac commented and pulled her feet
closer to her body. Harm smiled. Mac never liked snow
and he always loved it, the cold feeling of snowflakes
landing on your skin was one of the most refreshing
feelings Harm knew.

 

“Are you cold?” Harm asked and was halfway to the
bedroom before Mac could answer.

 

“A little.” She said and Harm returned with a soft
blanket, he considered just handing it to her but then
changed his mind and gently tucked it around her small
form on the couch. His hand briefly touched her cheek
when he tucked it around her shoulders and Mac kept in
a little sound, a happy sound.

 

“Thanks Harm.” She whispered when he seated himself in
the chair again. Her eyes again caught his and again
she noticed they looked different than they normally
did. He looked haunted in some way, maybe the trip to
the wall had taken its toll on him Mac reasoned with
herself.

 

“Where is Mic?“ Harm asked softly. Up until now he
hadn’t really considered Mac’s fiancée but now he
wondered where he was and why Mac was here.

 

“I don’t know.” The softness in Mac’s voice made Harm
look up again.

 

“You don’t know?” He asked sensing something was
wrong.

 

“We aren’t exactly engaged anymore.” Mac explained
half-heartedly. Truth was she hadn’t seen Mic in over
a week now. They had a fight and Mac had returned his
ring and now he was gone, vanished almost. She hadn’t
seem or heard from him since that night in spite of
all his clothes and other stuff still being at her
place. Mac snuck a peak at Harm who looked very lost
in thought. She had expected some sort of reaction
from him but none had been given. Deep down inside she
knew why she had come here of all nights, she had come
to try and talk to him again. To try and tell him how
many feelings she had for him, to tell him she loved
him.

 

“I’m sorry to hear that.” Harm’s response came two
minutes after Mac spoke and Mac almost laughed at how
insincere he sounded.

 

“No you aren’t.” She challenged and Harm sent her a
smug smile and shook his head. Mac giggled softly and
changed her position in the couch.

 

“Harm come sit with me?” She requested and Harm stared
at her for a few seconds before moving to sit next to
her on the couch. Mac lifted her blanket and tucked it
around his legs once he was seated.

 

“Did you go to the wall today?” She asked and saw him
nod slowly, his coffee cup was empty but he still held
on to it like something bad would happened if he put
it down.

Silence once more surrounded them as they both got
lost in their thoughts. It was very quiet and getting
dark too.

 

Harm looked over at Mac sitting next to him. He had
seen her out of uniform many times and it still
stunned him how beautiful she was, he couldn’t count
the number of times she had stolen his breath away and
this evening was no different. 

 

“Why aren’t you engaged any more?” The question came
out more begging than Harm wanted it to and Mac smiled
at his open discomfort.

After a few seconds of consideration Mac shifted
slightly to better see his face.

 

“Mic and I had an argument about a week ago, I asked
him to leave and he did – Haven’t seen him since.” Mac
said matter-of-factly and a smile crossed her face
when Harm’s jaw literally dropped open.

 

“Oh…?” Was all he said. Silence once again filled the
room as Harm tried to digest the highly disturbing
news. He had just about gotten to the point where he
had accepted the Mac was out of his reach, and now
this. All the feelings he had for her, but usually
kept buried, surfaced at a much faster pace then Harm
felt comfortable with. He could feel Mac’s eyes on him
and felt he had to say something more than just Oh,
but nothing came to mind so he avoided her look for as
long as he could. 

Mac stared at him, she could almost see he was
thinking, his face looked very serious, almost
strained and his breathing increased. Mac debated with
herself for a second before reaching out to touch his
hand.

 

“Harm you don’t need to say anything, it’s over and
done with.” Mac reassured and Harm slowly lifted his
gaze to once more meet the eyes he loved so much.

 

“I feel I should say something…But to say I am sorry
would be a lie…” Harm stopped himself because he was
about to reveal so much more than he dared to. But the
look of hope in Mac’s eyes made him want to finish his
sentence.

 

“I am not sorry Mac, you deserve better than him.” Now
it was Mac’s turn to drop her jaw. This was the first
time Harm ever really spoke his mind regarding her
relationship with Mic. 

But not only did she fell surprised, she also felt
angry and that was easier to express.

 

“Mic was plenty good for me.” Mac snapped before
really taking the time to think it through, the hurt
in Harm’s eyes made her wish she could take it back
and then again maybe not – If the pig-headed man next
to her hadn’t backed away on the Sidney ferry maybe
she would have been happily married to him now.

 

“I am sorry you lost him then.” Harm stated without
emotion and got up. Her reason for coming here was
still very unclear to him, did she want him to help he
grieve over the loss of Mic, did she want him to
comfort her? Harm knew he could do neither of the
things. Mic Brumby had bugged him from the second they
met and he wasn’t good enough for Mac nor would he
ever be, that much was clear to Harm.

 

Mac watched as Harm got up from the couch and walked
to the kitchen. His long strides showed her he was
troubled and somewhere deep inside she hope this, her
break-up with Mic, could bring them closer together,
not further apart. His shoulder muscles showed clearly
when he poured himself another cup of coffee and Mac
felt an old familiar need to feel him close to her, to
be wrapped in his strong, secure arms.

 

“I’m not sorry.” Mac said softly when the silence
began to feel strangling. Harm turned slightly and
looked at her with half closed eyes.

 

“Mac why are you here?” He asked and Mac knew she had
pushed him to the point where he would begin to lose
control soon. God she wanted him to lose control,
maybe then he would be honest and real instead of
hiding behind his pretty, flyboy façade.

 

“I am here because I wanted to talk to you and wish
you merry Christmas.” Mac replied angrily, not sure
where the anger was coming from.

 

“Done that, now what?” Harm asked and stepped closer
to her, he placed himself right in front of her, so
close his legs were touching hers. Mac growled
inwardly. Harm sure knew how to push people and one of
the best ways to push Mac was to crowd her space. 

 

“For Christ sake Harm. Why are you still doing this?”
Mac shouted and got up pushing him backwards as she
did. Harm almost lost his balance and grumbled loudly
as Mac strode to the window and stared out onto the
now dark street. The snow was still coming down hard
and Mac knew it would only be a matter of about half
an hour before she wouldn’t be able to drive home in
her Vette. Once the anger in her settled a little Mac
turned around again only to find Harm wasn’t in the
living room anymore. She scanned the room quickly and
listened for any sound of him. When no sound could be
heard Mac walked towards the bedroom and found Harm
sitting on the edge of the bed with his head in his
hands.

 

“Harm?” Mac questioned and took the first step up, he
looked at her and then abruptly got up from the bed
almost racing for the living room again. Mac sighed
loudly and stomped after him. When she left home an
hour earlier she had no real clue as to what she
wanted to happen tonight, but now she was sure. She
wanted to talk even though she knew it might be the
last time they ever talked. All the things that were
left unsaid needed to be said and Mac was going to do
it tonight. She wasn’t going to hide her feelings for
him another second and even though her heart would
break if he turned her away again, she needed to know.

 

“Could you just sit?” Mac half asked, half ordered
when she reached Harm by the window.

 

“What do you want Mac?” Harm asked again, his tone
level but underlined with anger.

 

“I want to talk to you Harm, is that to much to ask?”
Mac shouted and slapped her hand against the desk next
to her. The loud sound startled Harm a little and he
looked at her.

 

“About what Mac?” He fired back his own voice now
angry.

 

“Oh I don’t know…US?” Mac yelled and stepped closer to
him, he crossed his arms over his chest and his voice
changed.

 

“There is no us.” 

 

The sound of those words made Mac want to run again,
as far away from him as possible. But she wanted to
get it over with first, to say all the unsaid words
and hoped that would bring her the piece of mind she
hadn’t felt in years.

 

“There used to be an us.” Mac fought back trying not
to show that she knew she was losing.

 

“Yes Mac, used to be!” Used to be. The words burned in
Mac’s mind as she followed Harm with her eyes. 

 

“What changed?” She shouted as he once more retreated
to the bedroom. 

 

“You took Bugme’s ring!” Harm shouted back and threw
himself on the bed. Of all the nights this was the one
night where he didn’t need this conversation.

 

“Oh come on Harm, who drove me to him?” Mac asked as
she stomped up the few stairs to his bedroom.

 

“Drove you? DROVE YOU? God damn it Mac go away!” If
her point was to make him angry she was doing very
well, he would give her that.

 

“No Harm I am not going away. I want to know why Harm
and you owe me that much. If I cause you so much
discomfort I will leave you life but not until I KNOW
WHY!” 

 

Mac could feel her blood pumping in her veins. She
knew how angry she sounded and by God she was angry
now. She was sick and tired of their blaming games, of
his attitude, of her own inability to tell him the
truth.

 

“You know what Mac that is not you call. Now get out
of my place!” Harm shouted and abruptly got up, he
grabbed Mac by the shoulder and dragged her towards
the door. His anger had reached boiling point and he
knew if she kept bating him he would end up hurting
her more than he ever had before, and in spite of the
anger he didn’t want to hurt her.

 

“Let me go!” Mac hissed and pulled her shoulder free
from his iron grip. She took two large steps back and
stared into his eyes and he approached her.

 

“What are you so scared of?” She challenged and backed
further away when he came closer.

 

“I’m not scared Mac.” Harm defender and followed her
around the little table in his kitchen.

 

“You are too scared. Sidney Harbour, ring a bell? Let
me see “I can’t let go.” What kind of chicken ass
remark is that?” Mac challenged and began their second
round of around the kitchen table.

 

“It was the truth Mac. Truth, ring a bell? Not your
finest quality.” Two could play that game, if it was
hurt she wanted hurt she would get – She asked for it,
Harm thought.

 

“Oh the truth. What the hell is it you can’t let got
of? Your long lost daddy – Well tough Harm at least
you had a father who loved you.” Mac stopped when Harm
stopped moving. His look changed in an instant and Mac
put her hand over her mouth. What had she just said to
him? She tried to move closer but he backed away
shaking his head like he was trying to get her words
out of his mind.

 

“Harm I didn’t mean that.” Mac tried but he kept
backing. He reached the door and grabbed his coat and
in a flash he was gone. Mac ripped open the door and
shouted his name but he was already halfway down the
stairs by then.

 

“HARM!” She shouted and then heard the front door
slam. 

 

“I’m sorry…” Mac felt tears rise and she quietly
closed the door behind her. Now he was gone so was her
anger, and regret replaced it quickly. What did she
just say to him?

 

Mac looked around the dark, empty apartment and felt
how cold it really was. She turned up the heat a
little and looked around again. The album on the table
once more called out to her and this time she sat down
with it and flipped it open. First a page with Harm’s
initials again, then on the next page a picture of a
proud Harm Sr. holding little baby Harmon Rabb Jr. Mac
smiled at the sweet picture and turned another page.
Harm’s christening it seemed, again the proud father
holding the little boy. Next page, Harm’s first
birthday. The proud father holding his son close to
the cake so he could blow out the candle. The pictures
went on and on, all of them of Harm Jr. and Sr. Tears
slowly began to fall as Mac remembered Harm’s tearful
goodbye to his father in Russia, the pain in his eyes
when they finally made it – When he finally found his
truth.


He had been gone for almost an hour now and Mac was
beginning to worry – After all it was her fault he
left.

On the very last page of the album was a picture of a
smiling Harm Jr. sitting on his father’s lap eating a
big ice cream. Behind then was a roller coaster and
Mac remembered Harm telling her where this picture was
taken and when. More tears streamed to her eyes as she
realized this was the very last picture of Harm and
his father. She carefully studied the lines of the
little boys face, he looked so happy and contempt
there on his fathers lap. Mac remember a few times in
her childhood where she had been totally happy and she
knew little Harm was totally happy here in this
picture.

 

Just him and his daddy.

 

Mac placed the open album on the table and stared out
onto the snow-covered street below. He had been gone
for an hour now and it was freezing cold outside. The
need to protect him she had always felt was even
stronger now and Mac wished again she could take her
horrible words back and just tell him she loved him,
that was all she needed him to know when it came down
to it.

Feeling restless Mac made a fresh pot of coffee and
watched as the liquid poured into the pot. The sound
of the key in the door made Mac move closer to the
counter behind her. Harm walked in and his eyes fell
on her right away.

 

“I thought you would have had the common sense to
leave!” He said angrily and threw his wet jacket on
the floor in a very un- Harm like manner. Mac watched
him rub his hands together and noticed how red his
face was. He had only been wearing his bomber jacket,
no gloves, not hat.

 

“Harm you must be freezing.” Mac commented kindly and
got a hateful stare in return.

 

“Listen you can’t go home now it’s too dangerous to
drive, but stay out of my way and shut up!” Harm
ordered right before his eyes fell on the open album
on the table. He looked at the picture of him and his
father and then back at Mac. What Mac saw in his eyes
actually scared her and she felt the marine inside her
get ready to fight if necessary. 

 

“How dare you look through my stuff?” Harm shouted and
picked up the album. “I haven’t even looked at these
and you feel you have the right?” He continued and
walked closer to her with the album in his hand. “You
total…oh..…What is it you want from me Mac. WHAT?” His
voice intensified with each word as he backed Mac into
the corner between the kitchen and the living room.
Mac stared into his eyes as he raised the album and
for a second she was sure he was going to strike her,
but then his eyes teared up and he threw the album
down with such force the pictures flew from it. “If
you think I need to let go of my father you are deadly
wrong, he is the only thing in my life I know I will
never let go of.” Harm got the words out before the
first tear escaped his eyes and ran down his red
cheek. Mac just stared at him, she had never seen him
hurt so much and she had never seen him this angry.

 

“Harm I am sorry.” She whispered and held up a hand to
touch him, but he broke away from her and hurried up
the stairs to the bedroom. Mac heard him throw himself
down on the bed and she heard the heartbreaking sound
of his sobs. 

 

For a few minutes she just stood there trying to calm
he nerves. The sound of his sobs tore at her heart
with such strength she was afraid it would burst. Mac
slowly took a few deep breaths before she quietly
climbed the stairs to the bedroom. His shaking figure
filled up most of the bed and Mac bit her lip to keep
in words she knew would do no good now. He was still
wearing boots and his jeans were soaked along with his
sweatshirt. Mac watched him for a while then went back
into the living room to get the blanket. She carefully
picked it up and made her way back to the bedroom. He
was still shaking and his sobs had increased. Mac
gently placed the blanket over him and was about to
tuck it around him when his hand grabbed her arm out
of nowhere. 

 

“Do you enjoy my pain?” He whispered between teeth and
Mac stared at him with disbelief. How could he even
think that about her?

 

“No.” Mac replied in a shaky voice, his hand gripped
her harder and again Mac got ready to fight him of if
necessary. But just as quickly as he had grabbed her
he let go and turned his back to her while sobs took
over again. Mac kept staring at him, she had seen Harm
cry once or twice, but never like this, never in her
life had she experienced someone cry with so much hurt
and anger. Mac once more reached out and placed her
hand on his back only to have him push it away and get
up from the bed. He stared at her.

 

“What part of leaving me alone didn’t you get? Can’t
you just let me cry in peace, what kind of sick
pleasure does it bring you? Do you like it that I cry,
does it feel good to be able to hurt me.” He was
rambling and well aware of it. Right now he wanted to
throw her out the window and never see her again, but
he couldn’t and wouldn’t because deep down inside he
knew the hurt she caused only hurt because her words
were true. Harm shuttered from cold and walked back
into the living room, if he hadn’t been so cold he
would have left again.


Mac took another couple of minutes of digesting time
before once more following him, now he was leaned
against the door, tears still running down his face.
Mac felt determination she didn’t know she had and
walked closer to him again. There was no hiding
anything anymore. 

 

“I didn’t mean what I said Harm.” Mac said softly and
his tear-filled eyes met hers for brief second before
he closed them.

 

“Just leave me be.” He begged and this time Mac could
hear only desperation in his beautiful voice. And she
knew she had to do as he asked at least for now. Mac
quietly walked back into the bedroom and watched as he
opened his eyes again, scanned the room and then lay
down on the couch with a sigh. Even now, during their
worst time ever, Mac still felt love for him, love so
strong it overruled her brain. She wanted to hold him
and apologize until he understood. She wanted to help
him understand what she wanted – But for now she knew
she would have to settle for watching out for him and
that she did from a safe distance. She watched him
first toss and tumble for a while, then lay still and
finally fall asleep accompanied by a light snoring.
Only when she was sure he was sleeping did she get up
and gently pack him in the blanket again, she wanted
to wake him and get him out of his drenched clothes
but by now Mac knew things would only get worse and he
needed sleep – So did she. 

Mac spent more than two hours tossing in his large bed
before a restless sleep finally claimed her and she
dreamt of her harsh word and his tears. 

 

Mac woke in the middle of the night and instantly
heard sniffling from the living room. She quietly
swung her legs out of the bed and leaned forward
enough to be able to see into the living room. He was
still on the couch, sitting up now with the album
clutched to his chest. The living room was mostly dark
but Mac was sure he was crying again, maybe he never
really stopped. Slowly she got 

up from the bed and made her way down the steps to the
living room. He didn’t notice her until she was only a
few feet from him, and when he did he merely nodded
and pulled his legs up under his chin. Mac watched his
defeated looking face and his shaking body. The
blanket was laying on the floor in front of him and
when Mac picked it up she noticed it was cold and
damp. Mac left the living room just a quietly and
retrieved a blanket from the bed, she walked back to
the couch and carefully draped it over his shaking
shoulders. He looked like he was in a totally
different world and Mac had no idea what to say or if
she should even talk to him. Her mind made a logic
suggestion and Mac went to put on coffee, he didn’t
move or speak, he didn’t even seem to acknowledge her
presence.

When the coffee was done Mac poured two cups and
walked back to the couch, she held one out in front of
him but he didn’t take it and Mac couldn’t keep in a
desperate sigh. Never in her life had she felt more
desperate. 

In a final try to help him Mac sat down next to him
and reached her hand out, she carefully stroked his
cheek and felt how cold he really was. He turned his
face just enough to look at her and sent her a haunted
look. Mac moved a little closer and her hand went to
his neck, softly stoking the black strands of hair
above his collar. She head him sigh softly and took it
as a good sign. Again moving closer she was now able
to put her arm around his neck and she did so, hoping
for the best but expecting the worst.

 

There was no need for her to worry. Harm was past
anger and even hurt, now he was just numb. Numb from
cold, and emotion and hurt and pain and love – A love
so strong it scared him. The warm feeling of her arm
around his neck made him want to cry again, he felt
emotionally raw and tears rose in his eyes all the
time, just the thought of his father, or Mac, or
Diane’s death or so many other things. In all his life
Harm never imagined feeling so bare, so needy and at
the same time so closed of. 

 

Mac watched him carefully while letting her hand
caress his shoulder, her other hand found his and she
gently squeezed it feeling him squeeze back if only a
little and for a second. The more she touched him the
more aware she became of how freezing cold he was but
that wasn’t her primary concern at the time. His
silence was. Harm usually wasn’t that silent for that
long and it frightened her beyond belief. The fear of
maybe she pushed him too far ate at her like a mouse
at cheese.

Mac noticed one of the pictures from the album the
floor and she carefully bent down and reached for it,
it was the one of Harm and his dad taken the day
before he left for Vietnam – She looked at Harm and
saw the tears rise in his eyes again, his lowed lip
shook and his knuckles turned white as he clutched the
album closer. 

 

“Shhhh.” Mac soothed softly and scooted even closer to
his cold body, a little sniffle, then another tear and
the first sob escaped his lips. Mac felt helpless and
had a strong urge to run but knew within herself that
she would never, ever leave him like this, no matter
how far apart they were, he was her friend and the man
she loved and she would always want to protect him,
even when she knew she couldn’t. 

His body started shaking more and now he was both
sobbing and cold. Mac took a chance and pulled a
little at him and that did the trick. Harm gratefully
shifted and rested his head in her lap as his tears
increased and totally took over his body and mind. The
tears flooded faster as Mac pulled the blanket around
him and both her hands caressed his face resting in
her lap. She wanted to make him stop crying or to take
some of all that pain inside him but all she could do
at the moment was comfort him as he let go of that
pain that hurt him so much.

Mac felt him slowly soak her shirt while his sobs tore
at her heart. When looking down she saw a broken man
with only pain in his heart and Mac couldn’t help but
blame herself for some of that pain. The more he cried
the closer he pressed his face, and now he was so
close his whole face was pressed into her stomach with
such strength it almost hurt. But Mac didn’t care or
even notice that much, at least he was letting her
close now, close enough to offer some comfort. 

 

After ten minutes of just stroking his cold hair and
rubbing his neck Mac noticed he stopped sobbing and a
little after that he turned enough to look at her
face. Mac sent him a tired but securing smile and
ruffled his hair softly, Harm didn’t return her smile
but he did reach for her hand on his cheek and when
she took his he squeezed it gently.

 

“Harm you really should get out of all that wet
clothes and get warm.” Mac suggested softly but he
shook his head stubbornly and pressed it into her
stomach again. In spite of the depressing situation
Mac found herself smiling at his determination and the
strange sweetness he had about him right now.

 

“How about coffee?” She offered kindly while her hand
kept up the steady stroking of his hair, Harm once
more shook his head and mumbled something into her
stomach she couldn’t make out. Silence filled the room
as both tried to come to terms with all that had been
said, Mac felt his tears start to fall again and she
gently squeezed him closer as the only form of comfort
she could offer. 

 

“It’s okay Harm.” She whispered softly not really
knowing if it was. She wasn’t even sure why he was so
upset and that was the hardest part, not knowing drove
her crazy because that meant she wasn’t able to help.
Guilt still roamed around in Mac and right now she
wanted desperately to beg for his forgiveness, but she
wasn’t sure he was even mad at her.

The howling sound of the wind against the house made
Mac shutter not from cold, but from uneasiness. Harm
lifted his face again and Mac saw a flicked of concern
in his eyes, a flicker that meant the world to her.

 

“Hey you are cold.” He whispered softly in a rusty
voice and his hand reached her cheek stroking softly,
Mac only smiled and shook her head. She wasn’t really
that cold and even if she had been it didn’t matter at
all right now. Harm was hurting and cold – That
mattered!

 

“Yes you are.” Harm went on and now his finger
entwined in a strand of her hair, Mac closer her hand
around his and brought it to her lips kissing his
palm.

 

“I am fine Harm you are the one that’s cold.” Mac
replied and a warm feeling rushed through her as he
closer his eyes when she kissed him.

 

“I am fine.” He replied in a slurred voice.

 

“Harm I didn’t mean what I said.” Mac said abruptly
before she could lose her nerve, his eyes met hers
again and he nodded against her stomach.

 

“You were right.” He mumbled with sadness in his
voice. Mac shook her head and kissed his palm again.

 

“No I wasn’t and I am sorry.” She whispered back. The
emotion flooding between them was thick enough to be
cut with a knife but neither minded. 

 

“The album…Mom gave it to me last year for Christmas…”
Harm started and shifted a little to lay on his back,
Mac readjusted her position so she could have an arm
under his neck. “I…I haven’t looked at it yet….I am
afraid to.” Harm felt relief flow through his body as
soon as the words were out, telling Mac he was afraid
didn’t feel scary, it felt right. Her soft brown eyes
almost shined in the dark room as Mac spoke.

 

“I think I can understand that Harm.” She whispered
and Harm nodded and dried a tear of his cheek.

 

“I never wanted you to see me like this.” The sadness
in his voice was very clear again and once more Mac
just wanted to hold him.

 

“Like what Harm, hurting?” Mac asked. He was finally
opening up and she was going to take the chance to
talk to him and to listen.

 

“Freaking out.” Harm clarified and Mac smiled at how
disgusted he sounded with himself, to her it really
wasn’t that big a deal but she knew it was to him.

 

“Harm I pushed you and I shouldn’t have.” Mac began
but Harm interrupted her.

 

“How else would you ever get answers from me?” He
asked and Mac had to hide her surprise. 

 

“Do you know how many times I have felt like this and
not let it go, not given into it, not telling you how
I felt?” Harm asked and Mac numbly shook her head, he
was really surprising her now.

 

“More times than you and I can count together.” He
admitted flatly and sat up, telling her this felt good
but it also frightened him.

 

“What is it you want to tell me Harm?” Mac asked
feeling there would never be a better time to ask. 

Harm turned in the couch and reached out for her hand,
Mac gladly entwined her fingers with his and watched
as he took a few deep breaths.

 

“Forgive me if you don’t understand what I am trying
to tell you. I am not good with words when it comes to
my heart.” 

 

That was sure nailing it on the head, Mac thought for
a moment before he spoke again.

 

“Remember out conversation in Sidney?” Harm asked and
Mac nodded with a hint of a smile on her face, she
could remember each word, each feeling, everything
about that night.

 

“I didn’t know what you were offering and when it sunk
in it was too late and I never got a chance to take my
words back….I can let go Mac, maybe not of it all, all
at once, but I can.” 

The desperation in his voice almost made Mac feel
sorry for him.

 

“I didn’t mean to push you away that night or turn you
down….or hurt you. But..but…I…” Harm rubbed his face
feeling tired for the first time that night, the need
to sleep in her arms was almost too overwhelming.

 

“Go on.” Mac urged and rubbed his neck lovingly.

 

“I wanted you that night Sarah.” 

 

Mac felt her heart do a triple beat as soon as her
name Sarah was out of his mouth.

 

“And I tried to tell you that but it all came out
wrong, screwed up and I guess I pushed you away.” Harm
sighed again and leaned back trapping Mac’s arm behind
him. 

 

“I thought you would have waited for me to say it
right…but I was wrong.” 

 

“If I had understood you Harm I would have waited.”
Mac replied and in an instant and Harm’s face lit up
in a small smile.

 

“Okay then.” He said and now his voice wasn’t sad it
was almost joyful. Mac smiled and got him to smile
again.

 

“I love you.” The words came out strong and Mac’s head
snapped in his direction.

 

“I love you.” Harm repeated and Mac felt tears rise in
her eyes so fast she didn’t have time to stop them,
one slid down her cheek and Harm reached out and
brushed it of. His thumbs stoked her soft skin and Mac
closed her eyes at the feeling.

 

“I love you Harm.” She finally said and heard Harm
exhale loudly, when she opened her eyes again and met
his, they were both smiling. Harm hooked his hand
behind her neck and pulled her closer to him, with
Mac’s help she was soon seated right in front of him
staring into his blue-green eyes with such love Harm
felt almost frightened. Her brown eyes shone in the
dimly lit room and Harm felt her draw him closer, not
by use of her hands but by her eyes alone.

 

“Oh Harm…” Mac said softly while her hands stroked his
still cold face.

Their gazes remained locked for a little while, and
the to Mac’s surprise Harm pulled away suddenly and
got up from the couch.

 

“Harm?” Mac questioned as he turned to look out the
window.

 

“I’m not sure why you want me.” Harm admitted and
again felt an enormous weight lifted from his heart.
Admitting his insecurities to her felt good and not
frightening as he always thought it would.

 

“I’m not sure why you want me Harm, and I don’t really
need to know. I only need to know that you do.” Mac
replied and got up from the couch as well. Now she had
felt how it was to be close to him, body and soul she
felt cold as soon as he left. Mac gently put both her
arms around his stomach and leaned into his back, she
heard him sigh and let out a little sigh of her own.

 

“I met someone at the wall last year.” Harm said
softly and Mac lifted her face from his back and
walked to stand in front of him. Tears shone in his
eyes again and Mac knew he had something he needed to
tell her.

 

“Who?” 

 

“I met someone from dad’s past. Someone he met the
days before…before he was shot down.” 

The first tear left his eyes and Harm dried it of in
an angry manned. All this vulnerability was killing
him and even though he knew Mac would never use it
against him he still felt stupid crying in front of
her.

 

“Harm please go change and we’ll talk.” Mac pleaded
and tucked his hand. Harm nodded and followed her into
his bedroom. He was awfully cold and it would be nice
to got on something warmer then his soaked clothes.

 

“I guess you can manage.” Mac commented shyly and
blushed prettily before making a hasty retreat. Harm
chucked seeing her blush and felt the warm feeling of
love spread in his body. For the first time in forever
Harm felt like he and Mac were on the same page. Harm
quickly stripped to his boxers and found some old,
comfortable sweats in his closet. His dressed quickly
and took a few deep breaths before joining Mac in the
living room. The smile she greeted him with as he
walked down the steps from his bedroom warmed his
heart even more and he actually wanted to tell her
about that night a year ago, when he felt his whole
world crash.

 

“Come sit with me.” Mac offered and held out her hand.
Harm hesitated and took it tentatively.

 

“I won’t bite.” Mac commented dryly and Harm managed
to smile to her.

 

“I hope not.” He replied and allowed her to pull him
down next to her on the couch. 

 

“Who did you meet?” Mac asked and the little smile on
Harm’s face disappeared in an instant. 

He closed his eyes and tried to figure out how to say
it best, how to explain how it felt to meet someone
from his father’s past.

 

“I meet Jenny Lake.” Harm said softly and turned his
head away from Mac. Just mentioning her name made him
feel funny all over.

 

“Jenny Lake, the singer?” Mac asked in a bewildered
tone. Why would he have met Jenny Lake.

 

“Yes the singer. She was with the Bop Hope tour, they
visited the USS Ticonderoga the days before my dad
went missing.” Harm explained in a tormented voice.
After his meeting with Jenny the year before Harm had
hated is father for even looking at another woman –
But the hate had now turned into sorrow.

 

“So she met your father?” Mac asked still not
understanding why Harm looked so hurt.

 

“Yes she met him alright.” Harm spat out when anger
once more overwhelmed him. He abruptly got up from the
couch again and stomped for the kitchen. He poured two
cups of coffee and returned to the couch handing one
of them to Mac.

 

“Why are you angry Harm?” Mac asked. She couldn’t
understand his anger. She would have thought he would
have been happy meeting a person from his father’s
past.

 

“Jenny had just lost her fiancée, a pilot. My father
comforted her.” Harm tried to explain and Mac felt
like someone had dropped a ton of bricks on her.

 

“Comforted?” She asked fearing his reaction before her
words were out.

 

“Yes.” Was all Harm replied. He took a sip of the
luke- warm coffee and swallowed with some difficulty.

 

“Harm what did she tell you exactly?” Mac asked. Harm
Sr. cheating on his wife was simply not possible in
her mind.

 

“She told me that she went to the fantail to jump and
that my father talked her out of it. They talked and
kissed and……I don’t know what more.” Harm’s voice had
gone from hurt to angry again and Mac moved a little
closer to him and entwined her fingers with his.

 

“Harm those were terrible times...” Mac tried but his
annoyed look made her stop.

 

“That was what she said.” He accused and Mac almost
wanted to smile. Not that the situation was funny in
any was, but his look was.

 

“Harm I am not sure what to tell you. I have a very
hard time believing you father cheated on your
mother.” Mac started but again Harm cut her of and Mac
sighed desperately.

 

“He kissed he that much I DO know. She told me they
kissed and there was something she didn’t tell me!”
Harm rambled of and tried to get up again but Mac
yanked him back down.

 

“Stay Rabb!” She ordered and sent him a stern look.
Harm sat back again and looked at her.

 

“Harm I know you will get pissed now. But what did she
say and what are you reading into it?” Mac asked
carefully and saw hurt enter his eyes again.

 

“She told me they kissed…twice and that she missed him
when he was gone….but she got to have him when I
needed him, when mom needed him. She had no right to
take that from…I…I…” Harm stopped and ruffled his
already messy hair with one hand.

 

“Harm your father couldn’t have come home to see you
then. Maybe Jenny made his last days there happier.
Harm I have no doubt you father loved you and you
mother very much.” Mac tried her best to reason with
him, to give him some hope and faith in the fact that
his father was a great man.

 

“She said that too. That dad loved us very much….but
then why would he kiss her?” The desperation in Harm’s
voice made Mac feel very sorry for him.

 

“Maybe your dad needed comfort too Harm. Maybe he
missed you so much it wasn’t bearable. Maybe he just
wanted to remember how it felt to be close to someone
again, maybe he was afraid.” Mac spoke softly and
clearly and watched as tears once more shone in Harm’s
eyes.

 

“I just feel betrayed. I know mom remarried, but she
thought he was dead. I guess mostly I’m jealous of
Jenny. I wish I could have been there with him.” Harm
stopped and wiped the tears of his cheeks.

 

“And I am sure your dad wanted you to be there.” Mac
reassured and Harm sent her a grateful smile. 


“Yeah…” Harm said thoughtfully and looked at the now
half-shattered album on the table in front of him. He
wanted to look through it now, here, with Mac by his
side to help him deal.

As if Mac could read his mind she picked up the album
and ran her fingers over the name on the cover much
like Harm had done hours earlier.

 

“Want to look through it?” Mac asked trying to sound
casual, but she knew how much heartache Harm felt
right now.

 

“I guess.” Harm admitted and sent her a shy smile. Mac
returned his smile and moved closer to him, he was
warm now and it felt very good to sit leg to leg with
him. Mac carefully picked up the album and flipped it
open with one hand while her other hand found Harm’s.

 

“That would be me and dad.” Harm commented somewhat
without feeling when Mac flipped to the first picture.
Mac smiled seeing the little baby boy who had grown
into the wonderful man besides her.

 

“You sure were tiny.” Mac said with a hint of humour
in her voice.

 

“I was a preemie.” Harm replied and squeezed her hand
laying in his. It felt so good to be here with her.

 

“Amazing how you got to be so…big.” Mac said softly.
Both of them spoke very quietly as you would in a
church.

 

“Yeah, my genes were good.” Harm replied still with
almost no emotion in his voice. Mac lifted her gaze
from the picture and looked at Harm next to her. His
gaze was fixed on the picture and Mac could see he was
fighting not to cry again.

 

“Your father looks very proud.” Mac mused mostly to
herself but Harm nodded and looked at her.

 

“Mom told me he was so happy he didn’t know what to do
with himself. He didn’t sleep for almost a week after
I was born, I wore him out from the get-go.” A hint of
humour entered Harm’s voice and Mac leaned her head
against his arm.

 

“You are good at wearing people out Harmon Rabb.” She
whispered and Harm chuckled softly and nodded.

 

Mac carefully flipped the page and saw the next
picture, the one from Harm’s christening.

 

“That’s grandma Sarah, and mom and dad.” Harm pointed
at the people in the picture and Mac looked at the
all. Seeing Harm’s Sr. there with Harm was exactly how
Mac had imagined Harm would look with his child.

She flipped to the next page and smiled. The picture
in itself wasn’t the great, slightly out of focus but
little Harm was grinning from ear to ear and Mac loved
that smile.

 

“Happy little guy, weren’t you?” Harm nodded again and
kissed her hair softly.

 

“This means the world to me.” He said out of nowhere
and Mac looked at him with a slightly bemused look on
her face.

 

“That you are here with me for…this.” Harm explained
and Mac smiled and squeezed his hand once more.

 

“I’m glad you want me here Harm.” She whispered and
reached up placing a tiny kiss on his warm cheek.

 

 

For the next hour they slowly went through the more
than 25 pictures. Mac constantly making sure she
didn’t push him. When she flipped the last page, to
the picture of Harm Jr. and Sr. and Mission Park she
felt Harm shutter next to her. She looked up at his
face and saw tears in his eyes again.

 

“He left the next day.” Harm whispered and Mac felt
her heart go out to him. It was more than thirty years
ago and it still caused him so much pain.

“We went on a roller coaster, I was so scared but I
didn’t want to tell him. I wanted him to be proud of
me – I guess he would have been no matter what.” Harm
mumbled to himself mostly, but being so close Mac
heard it all and smiled.

 

“He would have been very proud of you Harm. You
are…just…perfect.” Mac admitted and blushed when it
hit her what she had just reviled. Harm chuckled at
that and put his arm over her shoulder, pulling her
even closer to him.

 

“I think we both know I’m not perfect Mac, but thank
you.” He whispered into her slightly red ear and Mac
kept in a sigh feeling his hot breath on her ear. 

 

“You are pretty damn close to then.” Mac whispered and
pushed her head into the croak of his neck.

Harm chuckled again and closed the album in her lap.
He carefully placed in on the table and then lifted
Mac into his lap in one swift movement. Mac giggled a
little and then settled into him like it was the most
natural thing in the world, in a way it was.

There was a long silence as both of them simply
enjoyed the closeness and the love that flooded
between them.

 

“God I have never been this confused in my life.” Harm
suddenly admitted and Mac was slightly startled, she
had almost fallen asleep in his embrace.

 

“About what?” Mac asked carefully. Inside her fear was
building fast, maybe he hadn’t meant that he loved
her. Maybe he had only spoken in fear, or hurt. Maybe
he loved her as a friend. Harm quickly calmed her
fears.

 

“You really love me?” He asked and lifted her face
with a gentle finger. Mac let out a sigh of relief and
stared into his eyes.

 

“I am deeply, head-over-heels, totally in love with
you.” Mac said strongly and pushed herself up enough
to be able to catch his lips in a gentle kiss. Harm
moaned softly when she pressed her hot lips against
his. The kiss grew a little firmer and Mac used the
opportunity to straddle him.

 

“Sarah…” Harm whispered huskily when both needed air.
“I love you so much.” His soft voice sent little waves
of happiness through Mac’s body and she captured his
lips again. 

 

“And I love you.” Mac whispered back. He was so soft
under her and yet so strong Mac knew she would never
want to live another day without him. His eyes were
red, his hair messy and he was still a little too cold
in Mac’s opinion, but none of that mattered because
right now he was hers and she was going to enjoy that
and think of nothing else.

 

“Sarah…” Harm whispered again when her lips once more
fused over his. She tasted so sweet and felt so soft,
so right against him.

 

“Let’s go to bed.” Mac proposed and Harm’s eyebrows
flew up close to his hair line. Mac giggled and poked
him in the side.

“And sleep.” She clarified and Harm chuckled and
pulled her into a warm hug.

 

“Sure.” He whispered and lifted her up as he got up.
Mac giggled but simply pressed herself closer and
enjoyed being carried to the bedroom. Harm gently
placed her on the bed and his eyes caught hers. A
silent message of love passed between them and Harm
smiled brightly and croaked his head to the side.

 

“You are amazing.” He said and leaned down enough to
place a quick kiss on her lips. Mac blushed and
followed him with her eyes as he walked into the
bathroom. Once he was out of sight Mac allowed herself
to smile, brightly like she had felt like for the past
hour. The happiness in her body was almost too much
and she wanted to shout or cry or laugh out loud. Do
something to let out some of the intense feeling in
her body. 

 

“Your turn.” Harm soft voice once more drew Mac from
her musings and she looked up and saw him standing
right in front of her wearing only boxers. Mac inhaled
sharply and made eye contact with the god in front of
her.

 

“Thh…thank you.” She managed to get out and quickly
fled the scene. Talk about losing you cool. She had
practically drooled all over him, like his ego wasn’t
big enough, Mac’s mind rambled of while she washed her
face and brushed her teeth with the new toothbrush
Harm had laid out for her. Once she was done Mac took
a few minutes to stare at her reflection. Something
about her appearance was different, so different even
she could see it. She looked relaxed…no that wasn’t
it. Happy for sure but there was something else –
After a little bit of thinking time it dawned on Mac,
she looked in love and that was why she noticed it.
Mac couldn’t remember the last time she had been in
love for real and had that love returned. Sure she
been in love with Mic for a while, maybe even loved
him but that was long ago, before he decided to move
to DC. 

 

“Sarah..” A soft voice behind her snapped Mac out of
her odd musings and she turned to see Harm leaning on
the glass wall with a pretty little smile on his face.

 

“Sorry…just thinking.” Mac excused herself and
blushed. 

 

“Regrets?” Harm asked and Mac saw his look change to
doubt maybe even fear. She smiled and shook her head.

 

“No regrets!” She promised and walked towards him. He
took a few steps forward and pulled her into a warm
embrace as soon as she was close enough. Mac exhaled a
deep breath she hadn’t been aware of holding and
squeezed herself deeper into him.

 

“Let’s go to bed Flyboy.” She whispered and felt goose
bumps run down her spine when his sleepy, deep voice
replied yes and his strong arms lifted her up.

 

“Harm…” Mac protested as he once more carried her to
the bed and placed her gently on it.

 

“What?” He asked and sat down next to her. Mac looked
at him, taking in his strong features and his
exhausted look.

 

“You shouldn’t carry me around.” The reply was lame
and Mac knew it, and she didn’t mind being carried by
him, only by him.

 

“Why not. I love it.” He replied and leaned back onto
the pillow behind him. Mac shifted slightly and made
eye contact with the man of her dreams.

 

“It’ll hurt you back.” Another lame excuse Mac
reasoned with herself and smiled when Harm chuckled
and pulled her down next to him. Mac snuggled into his
shoulder and closed her eyes, she felt the comforter
being pulled up around them and the lights went out.

 

“I think my back will survive, I’m not sure my heart
will.” All the humour was gone from his voice and Mac
shifted and lifted her face to be able to see him in
the dark room.

 

“Survive what?” Mac asked while her hand found his
under the comforter. He sighed and lifted their
entwined hands, kissing her knuckles.

 

“This, you, me…..us.” Mac raised her eyebrows and
heard Harm chuckle again.

 

“You are overly tired flyboy.” Mac whispered and
rested her head on his shoulder again.

 

“I just don’t think I will survive it if you leave.”
The rawness of his voice and the emotion behind it
brought tears to Mac’s eyes in an instant and she
gently kissed his cheek and took a deep breath.

 

“Harm, I can’t promise you forever right now.” Mac
started but Harm cut her of.

 

“I know, it’s okay.” 

 

“Let me finish.” Mac demanded and felt him nod, his
cheek brushed over her forehead and Mac felt his scent
penetrate her senses. “I can’t promise you forever
Harm. But I can promise you that this, us, is what I
want and I want it forever.” Mac’s soft voice sent
chills down Harm’s spine and he smiled in the
darkness.

 

“Thank you.” He whispered and pulled her even closer.
Mac threw her leg over his and let the steady thump,
thump of his heart calm her down and eventually lull
her to sleep.

 

 

Mac woke a few hours later and for a second panicked
beyond belief. But her mind soon caught up and she
remembered the events of the night before, all the
tears and the love. She was still right next to Harm,
her head on his shoulder and her legs entwined with
his. He was asleep Mac could tell by his soft, slow
breathing. She carefully lifted her head and looked at
his sleeping face right next to her. He looked so
peaceful in his sleep – Like he had no cares in the
world. Mac let herself be swept of her feet by his
firm body which was no completely uncovered since she
had hogged all the covers. He was a handsome man if
handsome even covered it. His stomach was tight, his
legs looked like they were carved in wood and his face
was just perfect. How she had managed to live all
those years without him was beyond her at the moment.
It felt like this was the only place she truly
belonged and Mac promised herself that she would do
absolutely everything in her power to make sure she
could stay in his arms, in his life, in his heart,
forever. 

After about half an hour of watching Harm Mac decided
it was enough and she carefully untangled herself from
his sleeping form. Once she was out of the bed he
grumbled slightly and reached for her but sleep soon
overtook him again and Mac gently covered him with the
comforter and sneaked out of the bedroom. The living
room was bathed in morning sunlight and a strange
peace lay over it. Mac sat down on the couch and
pulled the blanket from last night around her body.
She looked around for a while until her attention once
more landed on the album. Mac smiled and picked it up
from the table. It was strange to think that an item
this small was enough to bring her and Harm together.
Mac got a little more comfortable and once more looked
through the pictures of Harm and his dad and while
doing it she felt the last part of her doubt
disappeared. This was right, this was what she had
been waiting for her entire life and the – The only
thing missing was a little Harmon Rabb III. Mac smiled
at the thought and was just about to put the album
back on the table when an envelope dropped out of it.
Mac carefully picked it up and read what it said. “To
Harmon Rabb Jr.” The envelope was sealed and Mac
lifted it closer to her face to better be able to see
it. As she suspected it was old, probably about
30-years-old and the handwriting was that of Harmon
Rabb Sr. A sudden urge to wake Harm hit Mac but she
decided not to and gently laid the letter on the
table. He would probably feel a lot better in the
morning and since Mac didn’t know what was in the
letter it was better to let him get some rest. 

 

Later Mac went to check on Harm who was still sleeping
soundly now with his hand tucked under his chin. He
looked angelic Mac noticed as she pushed a stray lock
of hair out of his face. He stirred but went back to
sleep as soon as Mac stroked his chin. Who would have
thought he was such a cuddle monster.

 

As the morning progressed Mac’s stomach began to
rebel. She hadn’t had anything to eat in almost 24
hours and her stomach seemed to have had enough of it.
Again she thought about waking Harm but once more
decided not to. Mac made herself breakfast, black
coffee, and enjoyed it in the kitchen, on a stool so
she could watch Harm sleep at the same time. 

 

Three more hours went by with Mac passing time by
herself. It seemed now that Harm was finally asleep he
wasn’t about to wake up any time soon. Once every half
hour Mac carefully made her way up the stairs to his
bedroom and watched his sleeping form for a while. He
was really sleeping, he hadn’t moved an inch since Mac
had gotten up and she was sure he would have a stiff
neck in the morning with his arm under his head. But
Mac didn’t have the heart to wake him now he was
sleeping so peacefully. When it was close to eight Mac
once more checked the fridge, what better way to wake
Harm up than with a good, healthy breakfast? She was
sure he would love that. But his fridge was almost
empty not counting a two diet cokes and a few apples,
but nothing you could live on was in there – So Mac
decided to try and sneak out to buy something for them
to eat. Checking on Harm once more she was happy to
find him still sound asleep and she quietly got
dressed in yesterday’s clothes and sneaked out making
as little noise as possible. Once outside she hurried
on her way, it didn’t feel right leaving him, but on
the other hand starving wasn’t good either.
Fortunately there was a little store only a few
minutes from Harm’s place and Mac hurried up with her
shopping and made her way back in no time.

When she got to the door she was surprised to find it
unlocked and for a moment she scolded herself for
forgetting to lock it. But when she entered the
apartment she quickly found other things to worry
about. Harm was up, and not only was he up he also
looked close to panic. He was leaned over the counter
in the kitchen with a bewildered look all over his
body, his head snapped up as soon as Mac stepped in
and a second after his strong arms wrapped around he
body.

 

“Hey flyboy.” Mac whispered and did her best to hug
him back with two filled bags in her hands. He clung
to her like a child and Mac couldn’t get him to let go
even though she tried.

“What’s up Harm?” She asked once she had given up on
getting him to let go in the near future.

 

“I thought you’d left.” He mumbled into her hair and
Mac smiled into his naked chest.

 

“After all we said last night…not likely.” Mac
whispered back. Her arms were beginning to hurt from
holding up the bags, but she couldn’t just drop them
on the floor. 

“Harm I need to put the bags down.” Mac said and tried
once more to pull out of his embrace, this time he let
her and sent her an apologetic look at the same time.

 

“Sorry.” Was his only answer and then he left the room
and Mac could hear the shower a little after. There
was still more than a few things the two of them
needed to figure out.

Mac tried not to think too much about “them” as she
made pancakes and fresh coffee. Thinking about it
wasn’t going to solve much of anything, talking about
it might and with that Mac finished breakfast and went
in search of Harm. She found him sitting on the bed
dressed only in a towel, a small towel that left very
little to imagination. Mac smiled shyly and coughed to
make her presence known. Harm lifted his gaze and sent
her a tired smile than somehow chilled Mac. He still
looked very lost and Mac feared that the previous
night hadn’t solved as much as she had hoped and felt
it did.

 

“Something smells good.” Harm commented and Mac felt a
smile tug again.

 

“I made pancakes for you.” She replied and moved a
little closer to him. He didn’t seem to mind the lack
of clothing so Mac wasn’t going to let it bother her
either, she was at least going to give it a try.

“You didn’t have to.” 

 

Mac sat down next to him and leaned her head on his
shoulder.

 

“I know, but we can’t have you starving.” She replied
and her hand found his laying in his lap. The
tenderness of her voice touched Harm and again he felt
better just having her close to him. He mere presence
seemed to take away some of the pain he felt inside
all the time. Harm sneaked a peak at her next to him.
She was breathtaking even in slightly wrinkled clothes
and with messy hair. He smiled and carefully leaned
back. 

Mac only registered he was leaned back when she almost
fell back. She had really leaned on his shoulder and
when he moved she moved with him. His strong arm
caught her before she hit the mattress and little
chuckle escaped her lips. But the chuckle soon
disappeared when his hot lips claimed hers and he
kissed her with more passion then Mac thought
possible. She tried her best to return his passionate
kiss but he was in control, he led the way and the
only thing she could do was let herself, body, mind
and soul be swept away by him. She moaned under his
lips and felt her body get ready for his touch but he
broke away from her before it even began. He sat up
and for a second Mac stared at his back as she left
the room and went into the kitchen. It took her a few
seconds to get herself together, to get over the
disappointment she felt inside and get ready to once
more help him if he needed it. Once Mac made her way
into the kitchen Harm had already poured himself a cup
of coffee and was drinking slowly from the blue navy
cup.

 

“Harm?” Mac asked. She might have been wrong, but she
had definitely felt sexual tension between them just a
few moments before and now she needed to know why he’d
left.

He turned just enough to be able to look at her. She
looked angelic and Harm felt a pain in his stomach. He
still had more emotion in him that he had even had
before and it made it difficult for him to tell good
from bad. Was it a good thing that he wanted to jump
her bones or was it bad. Was it good that she loved
him or was she going to leave? Was it good that she
now knew how weak he was sometimes? She was smiling
slightly and Harm once more felt warmth spread in his
body. No matter if this, them, was a good or a bad
thing, she made him feel better than anyone ever had.

 

His silence both worried and comforted Mac. He didn’t
look as sad as he had the night before. He looked a
lot more than the Harm she used to know. The self
confident, hard-headed and lovable Harm she had known
for so long. Most of his colour had returned and he no
longer looked cold. Mac took a few steps closer to him
and gently placed her hand on his strong upper arm. He
smiled to her. No one of those melt ice smiled he
could produce, but a kind, and sweet smile.

 

“Sit down and eat?” Mac questioned and got a nod in
return. He made a hand gesture and put his coffee cup
down, then retreated to the bedroom. Two minutes later
her returned in sweats and seated himself on one side
of the table and Mac decided to sit opposite of him,
to better be able to see his face, see his emotions.
She knew she was going to have to tell him about the
letter she found, and she knew it had to be soon.
Somewhere inside her she feared he would accuse her of
nosing around again, but she felt pretty sure that he
wouldn’t. In her heart Mac felt a peace and a strong
hope she hadn’t felt for as long as she could
remember. His tears the night before, the raw emotion
he had shown her made her believe in them and at that
moment, across from Harm, Mac was hopeful and happy.

 

“Harm I found something this morning.” Mac started but
her tone of voice gave away her anxieties and Harm
noticed. His relaxed look changed to anxiety and fear
in an instant and Mac wanted to bite her tongue of. He
wasn’t ready for it and she should have known.

 

“Oh??” Was the only comment he made and Mac got up and
retrieved the letter from the coffee table. She
briefly stared at the handwriting that reminded her so
much of Harm’s before taking the few steps to the
dinner table again. She sat down in her chair again
and slowly slid the envelope across the table. Harm
was in the middle of a bite, but the instant he
recognised the handwriting he stopped chewing and just
stared. Mac stared at him and tried her very best to
interpret the obvious emotion on his face. For a
second it looked like he was going to cry again, but
the he shook his head and leaned back in the chair.

 

“Harm?” Mac questioned and reached her hand across the
table to take hold of his. His green eyes met hers and
he tried to smile and failed totally.

 

“I can’t read it Sarah.” He whispered and Mac felt so
sorry for him as soon as the words were out. Not only
had all his weaknesses been out in the open the night
before, but now he had to admit to being afraid. Mac
quickly made her way to the other side of the table
and put her arms around his neck, pressing her face
against his.

 

“Then don’t.” Was the only thing she could think to
say. But inside she knew he wanted to know what the
letter said. 

Harm leaned against her and inhaled her scent, now
mixed with his it was the best thing in the world.

 

“Read it to me?” He asked and Mac felt her jaw hit the
floor, she was sure he must have heard it drop. But he
didn’t react and Mac mentally shook herself and kissed
his stubbed cheek.

 

“Are you sure you want me to?” She asked and felt him
nod against her. Mac sighed and hugged him even
closer.

 

“Then I will.” She spoke softly and heard him exhale
softly. That was probably one of the hardest questions
he had ever asked, and her agreeing made him feel so
loved it almost brought tears to his eyes.

 

“Let’s go sit on the couch?” He proposed and Mac
nodded holding out her hand to him. He took it and
squeezed hers as the walked to the couch. Mac sat down
and pulled him down next to her. What he’d just asked
her to do was a big thing, no huge and Mac felt both
scared and blessed for it. He wasn’t hiding the fact
that she helped and that he needed her help. Mac
looked at him as he sat down next to her, his leg
touching hers and his arm around her shoulder. She
hooked her arm in his and smiled to him before gently
opening the letter. 

 

“Dear Harm”

 

 

The End.