Title:  Courage
Author:  Laura 
Rating:  R for adult theme and sexual scenes.
Category: Romance (Harm/Mac)
Disclaimer:  JAG is owned by Bellasarius Productions; no copyright 
infringement is intended.  
Spoilers:  Everything up through the end of Season 8.
Warnings:  This story involves an adult theme and may not be suitable 
for younger readers.  

Harm knows he must reveal a significant personal problem to Mac in order for their relationship to proceed.  NC-17 version available elsewhere.

Note:   This is my very first fanfiction, and I'd appreciate any 
feedback.  I'm always reading all of the good fanfiction stories everyone 
else puts out there, and wanted to contribute as well.  By the way, I 
haven't actually seen the last two Season 8 episodes because of the 
isolated region I live in, so I just went by the Jag Review and episode 
descriptions.  I also want to add that I borrowed one line from H. Lee's 
fanfiction Steal in which Harm is "...doomed to live a life of unresolved 
arousal".  I just loved the way she put that, and I think H. Lee is a 
great author.  



Courage


*************************************************************

Thursday, 2100 
Over the Gulf of Mexico

Harm was lost in thought as he stared at the black night through the 
airplane window.  His left hand touched the glass absentmindedly, tracing 
water droplets from the outside air.  The cabin was dark, and most 
passengers were sleeping.  A few read with dim lights on, including his 
partner beside him.  Harm tried to stretch out his long legs under the 
seat before him.  It was no use.  He was emotionally and physically 
exhausted after this trip, but couldn't rest.  Everything in his life was up 
in the air, and his mind just kept going over all the events of the 
past week.  He had no job to return to.  He would probably never fly an  
F-14 again in his life.  The most significant person in the world to 
him, the one that he always thought would be there...waiting, was somehow 
out of reach, almost gone,... and he knew it.  His chest felt heavy 
from disappointment and loss.  It was over.  

Yet, he had no regrets about giving everything up for Mac.  Nothing in 
the world would have kept him from going after her.....finding her.  He 
knew he had done the right thing.  At least his heart was settled on 
that issue.  In truth, it had almost been too late.  His forehead tensed 
and his mind blocked out that thought; it was too much to even 
contemplate.  Out of the darkness of the window, a single light from the ground 
pulled Harm's mind back to the present.  He could easily get 
overwhelmed by all that weighed on his heart. 

Harm glanced over towards Mac and watched her as she quietly read. A 
distant calmness had settled between them. A lot was left unsaid.  He was 
amazed that she could distract herself with some casual novel, after 
all of that had happened.  She seemed oblivious to his stare.  After a 
moment, he just faced forward and closed his eyes.  This was it.  Harm 
knew he was at a turning point in his life.  He had to tell her 
everything...even if he felt embarrassed by it all.  He had kept his secret for 
too long.  She had to know.  Maybe then he could try to heal some of 
the damage he had done.  Perhaps it wasn't too late.

He thought back to their experiences in Paraguay.  Harm was amazed that 
neither of them were seriously injured from the plane crash.  He 
wouldn't blame Mac if she never rode in an airplane with him again.




28 hours earlier
Paraguay

After taking time to make sure they were both in one piece, Harm and 
Mac  gathered whatever supplies they could find in the crop duster.  Mac 
shed her pregnancy suit, knowing it was only added weight for the trek 
ahead.  They filled a discarded knapsack and headed out over the fields 
using a compass from the emergency kit.  With military training almost 
an instinct, they were both oriented enough to know which way to 
travel. They knew it was just a matter of time before they reached a small 
town or city.  

Harm and Mac walked mostly in silence and kept to the trees whenever 
possible.  They took a few short breaks to rest, but adrenalin and 
anxiety drove them onward, across the fertile terrain and, hopefully, out of 
Paraguay.  Eventually, at dusk, they realized that they would have to 
spend the night out in the countryside.  As the sky darkened, they could 
see city lights in the distance but knew it was too far.  They 
discussed their options of  walking all night or trying to sleep on the hard 
ground.  They resigned themselves to the latter.  

The landscape was filled with shadowed clusters of vegetation and small 
hills between fields, all fading with the light. On the horizon, the 
moon began its rise into the evening sky.  Harm pointed to a grassy area 
tucked away under a canopy of trees, barely visible with the ensuing 
gray dimness.  It seemed protected from the elements and somewhat out of 
the way.  After a moment of consideration, they headed off in that 
direction.  Up close, Mac surveyed the area and turned slowly around.

"Well, it's not a hotel with room service, but it will do."

"My sentiments exactly. Let's fall out."

"Do you want to share the last of the airplane's water now?" 

"Yeah, but you go first."

Mac took a long drink, then handed the bottle to Harm.  He finished 
what remained, and then paused to take stock of their situation. They were 
both tired and still in a bit of denial about their horrible 
circumstances.  It wasn't that either of them feared for their lives to end in 
the immediate future.  Their shock and agitation had to do with what they 
had been through hours earlier.  Webb may be dead.  Mac could have been 
tortured and killed as well. They had barely escaped death in a plane 
crash.  

Harm was fully aware that he was getting too old to survive these kinds 
of physical assaults. Every trauma and blow from his previous crashes 
had made their impact felt on his body over time, and he knew this was 
no exception. Actually, he couldn't believe he had gotten out of this 
accident alive.  It really was a miracle, but underneath, Harm felt 
almost guilty, like he had cheated death,...whereas fate may have already 
dictated a different outcome for Webb.  This left Harm with a feeling of 
sadness, one which hung heavy in the air around him, yet couldn't be 
resolved.  It was unspoken, but the worry about Webb's survival 
constantly pressed upon both Harm and Mac. It was easy to dwell on Webb's 
precarious condition during the many hours of trudging through the fields. 

With an inner pang of concern, Harm thoughts turned towards the other 
pressing matter...the kiss.  The image had never left his mind 
throughout the long day.  What did it mean?  It was impossible to dismiss.  
Maybe it reflected something deeper between Mac and Webb, or perhaps simply 
a gesture of compassion.  It was just this loving kiss, engaged before 
him by two people who obviously cared for each other, as if married, 
while he stood idly by.  It was suspended out there in Harm's thoughts, 
encircled by more unknowns.  Harm had to leave those ruminations for 
now.  Harm mentally forced himself to focus on the present.  He and Mac 
were stuck out in the middle of nowhere, in a foreign country, with 
dangerous people intent on doing them harm. They had no food or water and a 
whole lot of walking to do.  It was all pretty bad. 

Mac patted the damp earth with her hands searching for a flat area to 
rest-anyplace soft.  She sat down on the ground with a sigh.  The 
foliage was thick, and they were obviously far from civilization.  She leaned 
back on her arms and considered her surroundings.  At least it probably 
wouldn't be a cold night.  The evening air was almost pleasant.  Mac 
studied Harm from her vantage point, and noticed his hesitancy in joining 
her.  He was so tall standing above her in the partial moonlight.  What 
was going on in his mind?  He had been so quiet all day, almost solemn. 
Mac wondered if they were going to talk about what happened.  After a 
pause, Harm turned and stepped away from the campsite for a moment 
alone.  She followed Harm's retreat with her eyes, and deduced why he was 
headed for the surrounding bushes. It had been a long time since they had 
even stopped along their journey.  She aught to make a visit to the 
trees as well, but she was just too tired to get up for the moment.  Maybe 
later on.  They had traveled and worked together for so long, it almost 
seemed expected that they would be spending the night alone in the 
woods, relying on each other for survival. Somehow this was all too 
familiar. 

Once Harm returned, he sat down beside Mac and unfolded his legs.  He 
was still sore all over.  He figured Mac was too, but in her typical 
Marine style, she wasn't complaining. 

Harm asked Mac how she was doing, and she replied with a few vague 
answers.  Her attitude seemed resigned to the tasks at hand, and she 
evidently chose not to focus on the negatives.  

Harm spoke softly, "I guess we had better try to sleep, then.  I'm sure 
it's going to be a long night."

"Can you pull out one of those delicious MRE's you've been hiding in 
that pack all day?  I think the chicken casserole with peach cobbler 
sounds perfect."

"Even I would eat that if we had some to share."  They chuckled 
together, and their amusement diminished some of the oppressive tension from 
the day.  

There was a long pause.  The still night air was punctuated by the 
occasional sounds of insects buzzing around them.

"Mac, do you want to sleep close together tonight?  We don't really 
need to share body heat....but...I was just wondering...if you wanted 
to..."

"Come over here, Harm. You can stretch out beside me."

Harm inched his way towards Mac, and lay down on his side behind her. 
There was a momentary awkwardness, but gradually her nearness drew him 
in. His senses were confronted by her proximity and touch.  It seemed so 
natural to pull her close, and to wrap his hands around her waist.  She 
didn't complain.  It felt so good, so comforting, to feel Mac's warm 
body and lean into her.  He never wanted to move from this spot, if he 
could just remain like this forever.  She was safe.  She was alive.  She 
was real, breathing right beside him.  Her hair brushed against his 
cheek, and he could almost hear her heartbeat through her chest.  He 
hugged her tightly for a brief moment, just to confirm that she was okay.  
He tried to vanquish his nightmares about her life in peril, and let his 
squeeze linger.  He felt like the illusion of safety might fall apart 
if he let go. Finally, Harm relaxed his hold on her and made an attempt 
to get comfortable.  Mac was motionless in his arms, but awake.  

Out of the stillness, they began to talk quietly about recent events, 
and an unguarded intimacy developed between them.  Harm expressed his 
remorse for Webb and crashing yet another plane.  He somehow felt 
responsible for the pain she had endured, and desperately wanted to get her 
out of this whole mess.  Mac revealed a little about what had transpired 
with the terrorists, and Harm realized the utter selflessness Webb had 
demonstrated.  He may not like Webb, but it was obvious that he had 
done his best to protect Mac.  For that, he would be forever thankful.  He 
told her how distressed he had been upon seeing her in restraints and 
on the verge of being tortured.  Mac tensed in Harm's embrace, as she 
tried to keep her emotions in check.  Harm did not push her to share any 
further.  

Eventually Mac asked how the Admiral knew she and Webb had been in 
trouble, and why he had sent Harm down to help.  

"He didn't send me down.  I came on my own"

"You mean you took leave of absence?"

"No,...Admiral Chegwidden wouldn't approve it."

"That doesn't make sense.  Then how are you here?

"I resigned my commission in the Navy."

A shocked intake of breath followed from Mac.  

"You what?"

"I left the Navy."

"Oh, my God, Harm.  You can't be serious!" 

"Unfortunately, I am."

Mac leaned away to study Harm's face. "But that's your whole life, your 
dreams, goals, everything!"

"It wasn't everything, Mac.  There's more to life than a job."

"That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard coming from you, 
Harm.  Your entire life has been about following the Rabb tradition, 
flying jets, practicing the law.  The Navy is who you are.  You can't just 
give it all up!"

"Well, I did."

Mac just shook her head in silence.  She almost wanted to scream in 
outrage.  Then it hit her.  He did it all for her-all to save her life.  A 
wave of emotional angst swept over her. The enormity of his sacrifice 
was overwhelming.  She didn't know what to say.  Time passed between 
them.

"What will you do now?" Mac brought up softly.

"I'll find some kind of civilian job, I guess.  I'll survive.  It isn't 
the end of the world, Mac."

"I cannot picture you in a suit and tie, dedicating your life to 
civilian defense.  It just doesn't seem right."

"I'll be okay."

Mac composed herself and then deliberated about what to say next.  She 
wanted to impress upon Harm how grateful she was....how supremely 
thankful.  Her eyes met his, and she could just make out the look of 
resignation on his face.

"Harm, I know you came down to Paraguay to help me.  You saved my life.  
I don't know how to express in words how much I appreciate what you've 
done.  I can't speculate what this will mean for your life, but 
obviously you've given up a lot. I just...I mean, how can I ever possibly 
thank you?"

"You know you don't have to, Mac. You're worth it."  Harm tightened his 
hold on her. "Without any hesitation, I would throw it all away again 
to make sure you were okay. I couldn't bear the thought of something bad 
happening to you."  Harm peered directly into Mac's eyes and said 
pointedly, "I have no regrets.  It was well worth it, believe me."

He held her close, and Mac rested her head back onto the ground, 
staring into the blackness of space.  His words just hung in the air.

Finally, Harm decided to bring up what had occurred between Mac and 
Webb.  He treaded delicately with his inquiry, but Mac realized he was 
probing for what her feelings were for Webb.  

"Mac, what I saw, I mean, I know it was a private moment, between the 
two of you, and I know you both must have been through a lot together, 
but...well, I have to wonder what it meant to you...the kiss, I 
mean...."

With a heavy sigh, Mac replied, "Harm, I can't talk about that right 
now. It is hard to explain, and honestly, I don't know myself."

Harm felt frozen in his position next to her.  He was taken back.  In a 
way, he had been hoping for a clear-cut dismissal.  He had expected her 
to deny the significance of the kiss.   In a sense he felt ousted.  He 
didn't like the implications of what she said, and he wanted to know 
where he stood.  He cleared his throat, "So, you have feelings for 
Webb..."

"Harm, I have to sort that out.  I care for him, and we have a bond, a 
special understanding between us.  Our relationship just became closer 
on this trip.  Let's just leave it at that.  I don't know right now.  I 
can't talk about it, when I don't even know if he is dead or alive."

Harm's heart sank into his chest. It didn't take a cognitive leap to 
get the picture. She may be romantically involved with Webb. Somehow, 
he'd have to come to terms with this new insight.

With that, they spoke no further. The night dragged on, and Harm lay 
awake with all of the thoughts that were spinning in his head.  He was in 
a state of fatigue, mixed with apprehension-all of his nerve endings 
were on edge.  He felt hollow.  Empty.  In the early hours before dawn, 
Harm's mood darkened further and he came to realize that he had no 
control over Mac's heart or decisions.  He was impotent to change the past, 
helpless to change the present.  Funny choice of words, he thought.  He 
hadn't even begun to deal with THAT issue.  He felt emotionally 
wrecked.  Harm knew he would have to get it together by morning, so he willed 
himself to focus on their survival.  He would never let Mac know how 
much this affected him. For some reason, with everything else in his life 
unsettled, he had counted on Mac to be the one constant.  He hadn't 
been fully aware of how much he relied on her for support, friendship, and 
more.  It wasn't until he faced her potential loss, up close, that he 
was propelled into a longing for what may never be.  After another hour 
of recriminations, Harm eventually drifted off into sleep.  

At sunrise, Harm and Mac were still entwined with each other on the on 
the cool grass.  Mac slowly became aware of Harm's strong body 
partially covering hers, with one leg draped over.  She felt safe in his arms.  
She loved his nearness, his scent, his touch, his whiskers.  She looked 
at his handsome face, full of small imperfections, each one she knew 
well and loved.  He was larger than life...but also so human...beautiful 
and flawed at the same time.  She saw the early morning light move 
across his skin.  She wanted to suspend this moment forever, but knew it 
would not last.  Only now, for this brief window in time, while on some 
dangerous adventure, would she get to lie beside Harm and watch him 
sleep, to be apart of his inner world.  She would never posses Harmon Rabb, 
Jr.  He was always out of reach, always the amazing hero, rescuing her 
at the last minute.  Her heart could no longer take the hoping, the 
wishing, the waiting for more.  She had to let him go.  

A half and hour later, Harm and Mac silently rose, gathered their 
belongings and fortitude, and began the tedious journey out of Paraguay.


*************************************************************

Friday 1930
National Airport
Washington, D.C.
   
Once they exited the airplane, Harm and Mac shared cab together back to 
their respective apartments.  They talked about incidental things on 
the way home, and Mac had even eased back into the seat, leaning gently 
on Harm's shoulder. They were companions...best friends.  Perhaps that 
was all they would ever be.  When they arrived at his place, Harm got 
out of the taxi with his jacket in hand and turned around.  He looked 
down at Mac and gave her a tender smile. He felt a little awkward standing 
there, but he just didn't feel ready to say goodbye...to break their 
connection. Somehow all of the chaos that they had endured in South 
America bound them together. He didn't want to let that go.  He didn't want 
it to be over.  

Mac glanced up at Harm affectionately, and reached out to touch his 
hand.  She squeezed it and asked, "Are you going to be okay?  

"Yeah, I'll be fine."

"Then I'll call you tomorrow sometime."  She hesitated and looked at 
him. 

Harm returned her stare, and allowed his eyes hold hers for a moment.  
It was too much.  He reluctantly realized there was nothing to 
say...not right now.  He shrugged, and with a low wave of his hand, gestured 
farewell. He tried to seem casual. "Get some rest."

"You too," she replied and leaned back into the cab. Her face became 
hidden from him.  In his heart, Harm felt like she was already gone.

With that, Harm shut the door and allowed time to move forward.  He 
watched a few seconds as the cab pulled away from the sidewalk and merged 
into the street traffic.  Just as he always had, Harm permitted Mac to 
drift away from him...this time in a car, leaving him at the curb, 
carrying her away into the night.  He felt so weary.  Harm turned and 
headed up, trying to prepare himself for whatever life would bring him.




One Month Later
Washington, D.C.


Given the extenuating circumstances and with some outside intervention 
from Webb's agency, Harm was allowed to continue working in the Navy, 
but with a stern reprimand in his records. His annual fitness report 
would also reflect a negative evaluation. In any case, he was still a 
naval officer.  No one was more surprised and relieved than Harm.  

Officially, his leave of absence was considered just that-neither a 
resignation nor an attempt at going UA. A letter was formed from within 
the SecNav's office describing his behavior as cavalier and unbecoming of 
an officer, suggestive of reckless behavior and endangerment of others.  
However, the letter also balanced this portrayal of Harm with specific 
mention of his past history, citing evidence of unswerving bravery and 
loyalty to the Navy.  His value and unmatched talents were weighed in. 
The report made the concluding recommendation that Harm be allowed to 
continue serving his country in the capacity of a JAG officer.  No 
charges were brought up;  no Admiral's Mast or Court Martial ensued.  His 
flight status also remained intact.  Harm returned to JAG headquarters a 
chastised but grateful man. 

Awkwardness aside, it was good to be back.  Harm was welcomed by office 
staff  who seemed to understand his motives for taking such drastic 
action. The admiral, so much like a father he never had, was restrained 
but not disapproving of Harm.  He hid his pleasure at seeing Harm return, 
but still gave a positive, though tempered, acknowledgment of Harm's 
continued service under his command.  Admiral Chegwidden recognized just 
how much Harm had been through in the past month and a half, with the 
murder trial and pending separation from the Navy.  He and other JAG 
staff offered Harm tacit support and camaraderie.

Mac also returned to work after a few days of recuperation.  Once 
focused again on legal cases and court trials, both Harm and Mac slipped 
into the working framework.  They applied their energies to other people 
who were out of luck.  Yet, both were changed from their experiences in 
Paraguay.  Having gone through it together in part, Harm and Mac 
treated each other warmly, but at a respectful distance.  Neither made 
mention of their one pivotal night in Paraguay.  

As it turned out, Webb survived his ordeal and was transferred 
stateside to the National Naval Medical Center at Bethesda.  Harm and Mac both 
visited him.  Webb had a long recovery in front of him, but he was in 
good spirits.  Eventually, only Mac returned and was vigilant at Webb's 
bedside.  Harm knew about Mac's time spent at Bethesda and understood.  
He gave her space to work out her own personal life.  On occasion, Harm 
inquired into Webb's health, and she answered in frank medical terms, 
never revealing her private thoughts.  He tried to let go of petty 
jealousies and fears.  

Between the extended visits to Bethesda, Mac had time to sort out her 
feelings for Clayton Webb.  She often ended up confused.  Mac did care 
for him, and it was quite obvious that Webb was in love with her.  Yet 
she had to admit, if she was truly honest with herself, that she did not 
love him. As much as she hated to acknowledge it, her heart was already 
taken. Mac resigned herself to a life of unrequited, unrealized love.  
How pathetic, really.  She was disgusted with herself for pining away 
for Harm like some schoolgirl, but that was her reality.  She 
desperately wanted to remove Harm's hold on her soul.  Maybe someday she would 
meet someone else, a man who could turn her world upside down and shake 
Harm out of her system, a person who could mutually commit to her, marry 
and share a future with her.  It was too much to even dream about.  
With heavy disappointment, Mac knew that person wouldn't be Webb.  Mac had 
to accept the truth. 

Yet, without the benefit of knowing Mac's state of mind, Harm felt 
increasingly disheartened about their prospects for a relationship.  He 
took out his frustrations over the grim state of affairs on punching bags 
or with fifteen mile runs.  He pushed himself physically, as if to 
drive out the pain of living.  He was fed up with his own stagnation.  
Nevertheless, he felt he could do little to change it.  He was stuck in the 
quagmire of relationships and loyalties, the past and the future, 
despair and hope. But his angst was really about love.  Love versus fear.  
That's what his conflicts had always been about.   

Harm had almost lost all hope, when a ray of promise entered his days 
of gloom. It was in the form of one Marine colonel, with a noticeably 
different attitude.  Harm had reluctantly agreed to donate his time to a 
bachelor auction held by the Navy Relief Organization for enlisted 
families.  He dreaded the whole production, but knew it was for a worthy 
cause.  He kept his involvement under-wraps.  To his complete and 
boundless surprise, Mac attended the auction and won his bid.  She seemed 
endlessly amused by the situation. As they kid with each other afterwards, 
Mac's eyes glittered in mirth. She complemented Harm on his appearance 
in Navy dress whites.   She also seemed curiously interested in Harm's 
bachelor status, and she teased him about his numerous female bidders.  
Mac flushed in mild embarrassment when Harm pointed out that, in fact, 
it was Mac who had finally won him.

"So, you have to buy your dates now, Mac?"

"Only when the price is right."

"Well, I guess I'll have to wine you and dine you then, right?

"No, you're being donated."

"What?" Harm laughed with a puzzled expression. 

"I'm giving you to Harriet and Bud for a night of babysitting so they 
can go out."

"Oh, not quite what I had in mind, but that's fine with me.  At least I 
won't have to wear a suit." Harm smiled warmly at Mac.  

As they continued talking, Harm's tall form relaxed in her presence and 
Mac seemed at ease with their light flirtations.  A feeling of 
attraction curled up inside Harm. He noticed how unassumingly pretty Mac was, 
her brown eyes, olive skin, slim figure.  Of course, it was her amazing 
smile that always got him.  She was beautiful.  But something else 
began to dawn on his mind as well.  He could see it in her friendly 
gestures, endearing expression...her familiar hands.  Harm slowly became aware 
of a few compelling thoughts...Mac is opening up to me...Mac wants 
more.  

Harm had always known that Mac cared for him as a friend.  They had a 
connection; it was undeniable. Yet, since Paraguay, even before that, 
Harm had sensed a certain closure in Mac's emotional life.  Whatever 
feelings she had for Webb just solidified that notion.  Harm had believed 
that she was moving on.  

However, at the auction, Harm saw subtle hints that Mac was not immune 
to him; she had not dismissed him entirely.  Mac may be willing to let 
him in.  When he asked about Webb, Mac looked down at her shoes and 
said she didn't know; they hadn't spoken in weeks.  Harm registered the 
meaning of the comment, and his heart swelled in anticipation. Harm knew 
he'd hurt her in the past, and he wanted to make up for that somehow.  

Yes, the other issue loomed unforgivingly over him.  He still had to 
tell Mac  about his one, shameful but far-reaching personal problem, if 
their relationship was to deepen.  He hoped it would explain some of his 
behavior towards her, or lack there of, throughout the past two years.  
With Webb in the picture, Harm had not wanted to put himself in such a 
position of vulnerability, and basically, he lacked the courage.  But 
now, in light Mac's new disposition, Harm decided that had he had wasted 
too much time in ambivalence and passivity.  With resolute turn of his 
will, he set out to win Mac's heart.




Five Weeks Later
Washington D.C.

After realizing that a window was still open into Mac's life, Harm's 
aspirations grew.  His world was filled with hope again.  He didn't 
intend to let this opportunity slip by.  With a revived earnestness, Harm 
set out to charm his way back into her heart.  He pursued her for 
afternoon lunches and unnecessary rides to work.  After hour socializing and 
Saturday phone calls became the norm.  He invited her over to his place 
for working dinners, where he tried to impress her with his culinary 
skills.  He was definitely not below using his masculine allure, if 
necessary.  He consoled himself with the notion that at least his past 
experience with women should give him some advantage. He fell back on his 
tried and true game plans.  If Harm could think of any excuse to be with 
her, no matter how convoluted, he made it happen.  He became a man on a 
mission. At work, Harm openly flirted with her, and gave little concern 
for office scuttlebutt.  

On her part, Mac enjoyed all of the newfound attention from Harm but 
was a little bewildered by it all.  She noticed his change in demeanor- 
the fond glances and doting gestures.  She loved the closeness they 
shared.  However, she refused to attribute any deeper meaning to it-nothing 
beyond a temporary fancy on Harm's part.  In all likelihood, her 
long-standing infatuation with him was only being toyed with. Perhaps Harm 
just liked the chase.  After all, he was a hunter by nature, but he 
didn't eat meat.  Mac wouldn't let her heart be broken again. It hurt too 
much to put herself out there emotionally.  She refused to open up fully, 
only for Harm to inevitably discard her and renounce his feelings.  

In the mean time, however, Harm's agreeable mood certainly played to 
Mac's advantage, in the courtroom and out.  She decided to take pleasure 
in Harm's loving overtures while they lasted.  It was entertaining to 
say the least.  A joyful feeling of being wanted entered Mac's psyche.  
It was enough to fill her days with quiet musing and crazy fantasies, 
even if they would never come true.  

They began a habit of jogging together in their spare time, meeting up 
at Rock Creek Park.  The helped set each other's pace and drive their 
workouts further.  Both enjoyed the company and the encouragement.  

"Race you back to the bridge," Harm tossed at her one afternoon. 

As if already cued up, Mac took off in a sprint.  She ran her heart 
out.  Every muscle in her body went full tilt.  Around to her left, Harm's 
athletic form easily surged by.  Harm reached the landmark first, and 
fell against the gray stone with a worn-out grunt.  Damn him!  Just 
once, Mac wanted to beat him.  Even during the marathon, they had only 
tied.  She caught up to Harm at the bridge, and they stood there for a 
minute breathing heavily.  Harm headed over to the grass and sat down.  She 
joined him, and rested comfortably on her elbows.   Mac observed Harm's 
handsome profile, now lined in sweat.  His knees were slightly drawn 
up, and his chest still vibrated from the strenuous exercise.  One hand 
was rested on his bent legs.  After all this time together, Mac still 
couldn't help but admire his muscular physique.  His lean, long form had 
a certain natural grace.  His narrow hips and wide shoulders were so 
unquestionably...male.  Harm was just plain good looking. It wasn't fair.  
Mac would have to try harder to protect herself against the pull of his 
charisma.


*************************************************************

Wednesday, 0920
JAG Headquarters

During staff meeting one morning, Mac noticed that Harm looked a little 
peeked, as he sat listening to the admiral across the table.  He seemed 
inattentive and easily distracted.  She watched as Harm rubbed his 
temples wearily, closing his eyes.  There was no mistaking it; something 
was definitely wrong.  He just wasn't his usual, dedicated self.  

It wasn't surprising then that on Thursday Harm called in sick with the 
flu.  He was out again Friday, so apparently it was a vicious bug.  Mac 
knew he must be feeling pretty bad.  Harm never took sick days.  Mac 
called to check up on him Saturday, but he didn't answer his phone.  She 
left a couple of messages during the day.   When they finally talked, 
he sounded fairly worn out.  Mac wasn't really worried, but felt sorry 
about his illness.  He whined a bit and rambled about how much he hated 
being sick.  The needy tone in his voice was almost humorous, if it 
hadn't actually been quite pitiful. It was so out of Harm's character.  
When they hung up the phone, Mac had already decided to try to get him 
back on track.

So on Sunday morning, Mac swung.by Harm's place and used the spare key 
she had to let herself in. She called out for him, and she could hear a 
complaining moan from Harm's bedroom in reply.  Geez, he really was a 
big baby.  She headed on over and was greeted by the sight of Harm 
sprawled out on his stomach, in old shorts and a t-shirt, with his bed 
covers in a twisted mess.  The room was stifled with uncirculated air. There 
was an empty glass of water on the nightstand and clothes thrown 
haphazardly around the floor.  Harm had obviously not moved from this spot 
for quite a while.  

"How are you feeling, Harm?" she inquired.

"Oh, just great."

Mac walked around to the side of the bed, reached out, and felt his 
forehead.  She assessed that he no longer had a fever.  His color was 
improved as well. "You should be getting better by now.  It was just a 
stomach virus, right?"

Harm looked up and appraised her with one wary blue eye. "I do feel 
better.  At least I'm not throwing up any more.  I just haven't gotten 
back on my feet."

"Well, I can help you with that.  Here, get up and let me make your 
bed.  Do you think you are up for a shower?  You'll feel better."

"I'm still a little weak, but I guess I should try."  Her presence and 
concern gave him the energy to finally get up. Harm hauled himself off 
the bed and shuffled towards the bathroom.  He took a long shower, and 
by the time he returned, Mac had changed his sheets and tidied up most 
of the room.  He sat down on the bed and leaned back on the headboard 
with a sigh.  It did feel good to get cleaned up, and he appreciated all 
of Mac's attention. 

Mac sat down next to him and looked at him with interest.  He had 
dressed in sweats and his Jagathon shirt.  The shower had significantly 
improved his appearance, although even the sick, matted hair look actually 
worked on Harmon Rabb, Jr. They talked a little and Mac patted his leg 
affectionately.  To Harm's amazement, Mac's touch stimulated his senses 
in an unexpected way, and he became acutely aware of her physical 
presence.  His body began to respond to her proximity as she continued 
talking.  He was becoming aroused, and felt pretty helpless to stop it.  He 
hoped she didn't notice.  His sweats were kind of revealing.  She 
didn't pause in her dialog, so he guessed she didn't mind.  He must be 
getting better after all.  He was feeling almost frisky.  Well, the truth 
is...he had just been too long without a woman.  Can a person actually 
die from sexual deprivation, he wondered?

Mac got up and finished picking up some old cups from Harm's dresser.  
She asked if he was hungry, and he shook his head.  

"I don't think I could eat anything yet.  Thanks though."

"Are you sure?  No noodle soup?"

"No, I don't want to get an upset stomach again."

"Okay, well...then...I better go."  She came over to his side and 
squeezed his shoulder.  "Call me if you need anything.  Really."  Harm 
reclined against the pillows and let her fuss around him a little 
more-straightening this, propping up that.  He realized how much he loved her 
company, but knew there was no reason for her to stay.  He'd probably just 
be a lump all day, maybe moving onto the couch in the afternoon.  

Mac said goodbye with a sweet smile, and turned towards the door.

"Thanks for everything," he said as she headed out. "I really 
appreciate your kindness, Mac."

"Be well."

When Mac stepped into Harm's elevator, she examined the floorboards 
with an amused smile.  She giggled to herself.  Harm had gotten hard when 
she sat next to him.  He didn't seem too embarrassed by it.  But that 
secret knowledge of him sent a thrill down her spine.  This was Harm, 
her partner and friend.  Of course, she was in love with him too, but 
that was irrelevant.  Mac shrugged off his unaccountable sexual response 
with a stern  consideration of the facts.  It was really no big deal-not 
significant in the least.  It was probably just an indication that Harm 
was feeling better.  He's just a guy after all. 


*************************************************************

Tuesday, 1030
JAG Headquarters

As their relationship improved and the trust between them grew 
stronger, Harm and Mac resumed some of their hallmark banter outside of the 
courtroom.  Most of the time it was in good-natured competition.  On 
occasion, though, they engaged in some pretty heated exchanges.  

"Forget it," Harm stated. "There's no way my client will accept 
dishonorable discharge, and have that in his record for the rest of his life.  
Misdemeanor with a reprimand; he's young and he wants to stay in the 
Navy."

"Well, then you just better provide a good defense for him, Harm. He's 
out."  Mac turned from the water cooler and walked towards her office.  
Harm followed, trying to keep up with her determined stride.

"Come on. He's a good kid.  He just got into some trouble.  Look at his 
history." Harm pleaded his case, while she charged ahead, overtly 
dismissing him.

"Sorry, Harm, no deal." She said over her shoulder.

"You know I'm right.  It's just because I'm opposing counsel."

Mac wheeled around to challenge him. "You think this is personal?  The 
facts speak for themselves.  You just don't like to loose.  It'll taint 
your perfect record.  Guess we're going to trial."

"Do you always have to be so stubborn?" Harm said in frustration, his 
hands pointing towards her in an accusing gesture.  Their raised voices 
were rapidly drawing attention. 

"Me?  You are the most obstinate person I know.  When you've got your 
mind set on some cause, some obsession, you're like this....immovable 
wall!"  Her eyes were beginning to fill with unchecked anger.

"Oh, and you're not headstrong, Mac?"

"I have to stand my ground with you, or you'll run right over me!"

"Are you kidding? You're the most bull-headed..."

" Let's face it," she interrupted him. "You're a control freak, Harm.  
You like to dominate everything."

Her words stung him on a personal level, and he reached for a rebuttal.  
"Of course,...for you, it's all about who comes out on top...dominance 
and submission..."

"I know when someone is trying to rule over me."

"You think someone's trying to dominate you when they're just trying to 
get out from underneath you!" he said emphatically.

Mac was stunned by the innuendo of his last comment.  Her mouth gaped 
open. They glared at each other with the same fixed tenacity.  Neither 
would back down, or say anything further.  Finally, Harm gave her a 
disarming smile, and apologized in typical Harm fashion for his last 
remark.   Their friendship won out and they agreed to disagree.  With that, 
their argument ended.  It was merely added to their long list of 
stand-offs and near full engagements.

*************************************************************

Friday, 2100
McMurphy's Bar


The following Friday, after draining workweek, Harm and Mac relaxed 
with friends for happy hour.  The atmosphere in the bar was lively and 
jovial. When Mac challenged Harm to a game of pool, he magnanimously 
agreed, certain that he would win.  Mac was determined to wipe off that smug 
look on his face.  As it turned out, they were fairly evenly matched, 
much to Harm's chagrin. Throughout the game, Mac leaned over the table 
seductively and worked magic with her slender fingers wrapping around 
the pool stick.  Harm took in her titillating moves, but countered them 
with his own sportive teasing.  At one point, when Harm was attempting 
to stretch the limits of his pool playing ability, he looked up at Mac 
from a state of deep concentration. His gaze was intense, and his eyes 
glimmered.  Then all at once, he winked at her.  Oh, he's such a flirt, 
Mac thought to herself.  And he thinks he's so clever.  How can a girl 
fight against this?  When it came down to the last shot, Mac called the 
pocket, sunk it, and won, with cheers from the surrounding audience.  
Harm just gave her a lazy smile. He stood tall and powerful above her, 
and in an unhurried motion, leaned in to whisper a few words of warning.  
He let her know, in no uncertain terms, she could have this minor 
battle, but he was ready to wage war.  

When the evening ended, they called a truce to their relentless 
rivalry, knowing that it had all been in fun.  As a gesture of good will, Harm 
escorted Mac to the safety of her car.  They stood around and shared a 
warm-hearted chat in the parking lot.  It was Mac who made the first 
move, against her better judgment, by casually touching Harm on the 
chest.  Her fingers remained a moment longer than they should have, more 
than that of a friend.  In that instant, Harm froze.  A spark of fear ran 
across his body.  Where would all this foreplay lead them tonight?  He 
didn't feel ready.  He wanted her, but he had to tell her about the 
problem that had invaded his private life first.  He couldn't come clean 
now, outside a bar...at nearly midnight. With great inner 
dissatisfaction, Harm smoothed over the moment with some familiar joking, and gave 
Mac a hug.  It was subtle, too gradual for even for Mac to notice his 
withdrawal.  Internally, Harm regretted leading her on, and made special 
effort to demonstrate that he cared for her.  They said goodbye on 
positive terms, and drove out of the parking lot together.  As Harm 
journeyed across town in his car, a mild feeling of depression began to 
envelope him.   


*************************************************************

Sunday, 1545
Harm's apartment

Harm strummed his guitar and picked out some blues to fit his 
melancholy mood.  He contemplated his relationship with Mac. The soulful sound 
from the strings echoed in his flat.  Playing the guitar provided a much 
needed diversion from his aimless behavior as of late.  Since Friday, 
he was back to the same old approach-avoidance conflict.  He felt caught 
between wanting to pursue Mac, and wishing to hide his paralyzing 
secret from her .... indefinitely.  His longing for her was intense at 
times.  But the opposing drive, the thought of exposing THIS problem, left 
him to recoil in fear of being found out.  Yet, he knew if he didn't 
tell her, he was going to lose her.  

Part of the reason Harm wanted to reveal this at all was that he hoped 
it would enlighten Mac-to help account for his distant behavior over 
the last few years and to begin the process of healing.  Yet, self-doubt 
tugged at his heart.  He just needed time to work up the courage to 
face her.  It was holding him back, and he knew it had to be uncovered in 
order for their relationship to proceed.  Thank God it had not come out 
during the murder trial, submitted for public display.  Harm cringed at 
that thought.

But exactly how would he actually go about telling her?  How could he 
allow those dreaded words to fall out of his mouth, stunning her into 
awkward silence, shattering any illusions she may have had of him.   In 
reality, Harm wanted her to maintain whatever confident, admirable image 
she had of him for as long as possible, even if it was false.  He 
couldn't bear to lose Mac's respect, or to lessen her regard for him.  He 
felt foolish and juvenile for not dealing with this problem head on.  It 
was ultimately about taking a risk....a leap of faith.

Let's see, he could start out with something like, "Mac, I've been 
meaning to tell you about something. You know how you've always thought of 
me as this cocky flyboy, well, that couldn't be farther from the 
truth...."

Or how about, "Mac, if you want to be in a relationship with me, you 
need to know about the wonders of viagra..."  Ha.  That would be the day.

Harm considered trying the honest and direct approach....just get it 
all out there and see what happens.  "You see, Mac,...there could be a 
complication in any future relationship that we might undertake.  I 
thought I should tell you about a problem I have with sexual 
functioning...."  Harm clamped his eyes shut in shame.  Forget it. There's no way 
could he tell her.  He would die of embarrassment.  He could already 
imagine the humiliation he'd feel at the look on her face.  Impotence...the 
word hung out there...such an insidious threat.  God, what joke.  Now 
that he knew he wanted her, he probably couldn't have her.  Ultimately, 
he was just coward...afraid of her rejection. 

Harm sat down his guitar and stared out his living room window 
wistfully.  He tried to concentrate on what he should do.  

If he thought about it, Harm had to admit that he really didn't know 
what would happen with Mac sexually.  His difficulties with intercourse 
had only been with Renee and that was nearly two years ago, directly 
following his dunk into the Atlantic Ocean.  He hadn't been able to 
maintain an erection with her.  The dilemma was never about becoming aroused 
with a woman in the first place.  He had no problems there.  Who knows 
what might happen if he tried to have sex with Mac.  He knew he loved 
her, and found her incredibly attractive.  He was always aware of the 
sexual tension between them.  Maybe he should just set all of these 
deliberations aside and let things unfold naturally. Perhaps it would never 
even become an issue.  He may not even have a problem any more.  He 
just didn't know.  


*************************************************************

Tuesday, 0945
JAG Headquarters

The following week, while Harm sank into perpetual indecision, Mac 
stumbled upon a startling piece of information about Harm on her own.  She 
had been doing some legal research for the quality control board and 
realized that one of the many medical files she had examined was Harm's.  
Initially, she didn't recognize his medical records, but after 
reviewing it a number of times for the purposes of her investigation, it dawned 
on her that it belonged to Harm.  The chances were slim, but the 
preponderance of the evidence suggested otherwise.  The file was obviously 
his.  

Moreover, it wasn't just that she had inadvertently read Harm's 
personal medical information.  That was disconcerting enough.  What troubled 
Mac the most was one of last entries in the thick folder, right before 
his annual physical readiness exam.  It was too late.  She had already 
seen his consultation with a specialist, and knew what the presenting 
problem was...and she was shocked.   When she reread the words in the 
discharge summary, the hair stood up on the back of her neck in alarm.  
Differential diagnosis: erectile dysfunction/rule out impotence. It 
couldn't be true.  Not Harm...the enormity of the problem weighed in.  Her 
mind was incredulous, but there it was in black and white.  

Throughout the day, Mac mulled over the situation, and debated telling 
Harm about her discovery.  He had a right to know.  Wouldn't she want 
to know?  It was such an invasion of his privacy.  He would probably 
feel so angry to know that his personal life had been violated this way.  
Clearly, since Harm had kept this problem hidden from her for so long, 
he had wanted it to remain private.  If he'd intended on telling her, 
he would have.  Mac honestly didn't know whether or not she should 
reveal what she knew.  He would surely feel embarrassed if she informed him.  
She didn't want to cause further damage.  Yet, she wasn't able to just 
act like she didn't know.  It would always be in the back of her mind, 
and it would undoubtedly affect the way she'd treat him.  He would 
sense it.  Mac struggled with her decision.  

Finally, at 4pm, Mac knocked cautiously on Harm's office door.  He 
welcomed her in with a warm smile, and finished his business on the phone.  
When he hung up, he gave her his full, undivided attention.  

"Hey, Mac.  What's up?"

"Actually, there's something I need to discuss with you, Harm.  It is 
kind of serious."

Harm gauged her distress and leaned forward against his desk.  Whatever 
was on her mind was really worrying her. 

"Well, please sit down and we can talk.  Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine, Harm.  It's just that..."

"Yes..."

"I don't know how to say this..." Mac searched around the room for 
guidance.

"How about starting from the beginning."  His tone was caring and open.  
Harm was becoming more concerned about her by the second.

"Well, you know how I've been doing some legal reviews for the quality 
control board?"

"Oh, I didn't know you were involved in that..."

"Not much, just part-time...I was just helping out with some of the 
legal evaluations on medical quality control...for JAG officers and other 
sections of the Navy...consistency in medical discharges, follow-ups, 
that sort of thing... kind of boring really..."

"Go on..." Harm wondered where this was leading.

"Well, you see, I just so happened to end up with your medical file..."

"What?"

"It wasn't intentional...It was randomly pulled from all of the 
qualifying subjects."

"What are the chances of you having my records?" he laughed it off 
unconvinced.  

"I'd say about 1 out of maybe 3000 from the population being sampled."

"That is pretty unlikely, Mac. Are you sure it is actually mine?"

"Well, all the identifying data has been removed, but how many 
commanders in the Navy, JAG core no less, would have two devastating jet 
crashes and surgery to restore night vision?"

It was hard to argue with that.  Harm just looked at Mac with a 
compelling expression.  He seemed to be about to say something, but remained 
silent.

"Harm, I never intended to read your personal medical file.  Of course, 
you know I would never invade your privacy in that way.  I am so very 
sorry, but I thought you aught to know..."

"It's alright, Mac.  I realize it was just an inadvertent mistake."

"I can't tell you how bad I feel..."

Harm reached over to touch Mac's hand supportively. "Hey, don't be so 
hard on yourself...So you read about my history of prescriptive 
painkillers.  It isn't that big of a deal."  

Boy, he was taking this well, Mac thought.  From his intonation and 
relaxed manner, it seemed like Harm was fairly comfortable with Mac 
knowing everything about his personal life.  Yet, something nagged at Mac's 
consciousness.  He didn't understand.

"Harm,..."

"Yeah, Mac...Is there something else?"

"I'm just not sure you're getting the whole picture... I unknowingly 
read nearly all of your medical file...even up to the most recent 
entries...."  She let her words fill the air.  A heavy pause followed.  

Mac could actually witness the moment when Harm realized what she was 
saying.  His face became pale and drawn.  He sat motionless, and his 
eyes began to cloud over. 

Harm was devastated... mortified.  He sat frozen in his chair.  Yes, 
he'd wanted to tell Mac about this...but the reality felt far worse than 
any scenario he had envisioned.  She knew...and it was laid bare 
between them now.   Mac had learned of this awful, humiliating thing about 
him.  An overwhelming feeling of insecurity coiled up inside his stomach.  
He could feel the heat in his ears begin to grow, and his palms became 
sweaty.  He felt self-conscious in front of her.  Harm just wanted this 
painful moment to end.  

Finally, Harm cleared his throat and looked down at the papers on his 
desk without focusing.  

"Thanks for telling me about this, Mac. I better get back to work."

"Listen, Harm, I am so sorry..."

"It's alright, I understand..."

"Harm..."

"Could you give me a minute alone, please?"  His voice was firm and his 
shoulders were set.  He never looked up.  

"Okay.."

Harm became superficially absorbed in his paperwork, and waited for Mac 
to leave.  She got up quietly and shut the door to his office on the 
way out.  Soon after, Harm gathered his cover and briefcase and left for 
the day.  It was futile to stay at headquarters when he felt so 
ineffectual and lost.  His life would never be the same.


*************************************************************

For the rest of the week, Harm remained withdrawn from Mac and other 
staff members.  It was obvious that work could not sustain his attention.  
During meetings, he seemed pensive and subdued.  He barely made eye 
contact with Mac, and avoided her at all costs.  Even his gait seemed 
weary, as if he were carrying the weight of the world. 

On his part, Harm was acutely aware of how uncomfortable he felt around 
Mac.  He couldn't help but feel inadequate and exposed. He needed to 
build some confidence within himself.  He used to be a more self-reliant 
and assured person, and he longed to regain the self-esteem he once 
had.  It had been a long time since he truly felt whole.  Even the murder 
investigation had undermined his sense of competence and trust, in 
others and in himself.  It would just take time to heal. As far as the 
current situation went, Harm felt relieved in a way.  At least it was over.  
Mac had uncovered the truth on her own.  Yet, Harm still felt awkward 
around Mac and kept her at a distance.  The loneliness which had 
characterized his time in the brig returned once again to his life.  

Bud asked Mac if she knew what was bothering Harm, and she gave him a 
lame excuse about Harm brooding over a heavy case load.  She felt 
horrible about what had happened, but felt unable to help Harm.  His pride 
was injured.  She knew this must have been a serious blow to his ego, and 
to have her privy to it...well, she understood why he reacted so 
strongly.  Mac figured he probably felt embarrassed.  She wanted to give him 
some space, but she also hated to see him so discouraged.  She'd love 
to have insight into his mind and find a way behind that deeply 
entrenched fortress of his.  Although she wanted to reach out to him, she 
decided to hold back for the time being.  It was his nature to deal with his 
problems stoically.  She just missed the old fun-loving Harm.  

When Mac met up with Harm jogging Thursday afternoon, their 
conversation was halted and formal.  He seemed guarded with her, which she could 
tolerate for a while.  However, the next day at the gym he was downright 
rude.  Harm had been playing basketball with Sturgis, and barely looked 
at her when she said hello. Now she was perturbed.  Enough was enough.  
Mac had to do something to salvage their friendship, and shake him out 
of self-pity. 
 



Saturday, 0745
North of Union Station

Mac appeared at Harm's door early Saturday morning and knocked loudly.  
She was insistent.  Harm stumbled out of bed, threw on a robe, and 
opened the front lock in a haze. There stood his partner with an intent 
look on her face.

"Okay, I've had it."

"What are you doing here, Mac?" Harm tried to focus on her.  He rubbed 
his eyes.  He could tell she was annoyed and had set her mind on 
something.  Mac pushed past him into his living room.  

"You're coming with me, and getting out of this apartment." 

"Good morning to you."  Harm ran a hand through his uncombed hair, and 
unconsciously braced himself for the tirade that was coming.  He had 
slept in and was still a fog. 

"Go get changed, shave, whatever you have to do...We're going to the 
beach."  She began to direct him towards his bedroom with her hands.

"Hey, wait, I don't want to go to the beach.  Maybe I've got other 
plans."

"Yeah, to sit around here and sulk."

"I haven't been sulking."

"Sulking, wallowing, whatever...Let's go."

Harm dragged his feet.  "Mac, I'm not going to the beach with you.  Get 
over it already."

"Fine, it's not really a beach.  It's a bay.  I've heard of this really 
cool place, and I want to go there with you.  As your former best 
friend..."

"Former?"

"...I insist. Please.  Do me this one favor, Harm.  We don't have to 
talk.  Just be with me."

"Mac, I've got a lot of things to do, and.."

"Please?"

Harm cast his gaze up at the ceiling and considered his options. She 
was really cute when she was all fired up.  He wasn't sure this was a 
good idea, but was too tired to fight her.  Resistance was futile.  Harm 
reluctantly gave in.  "Oh, all right.  You win....just this once.  Let 
me get ready."  He began to drag himself back to his bedroom. 

"Thank you!" Mac gave him a bright smile and headed for the kitchen.

"Make yourself at home...but don't brew any of your Marine grade 
coffee...We'll have to stop off  somewhere and get some..." he called back.

Harm and Mac rode along the back roads of Maryland in companionable 
silence. There seemed to be a moratorium on the unresolved issues that lay 
between them. They listened to CD's and talked a little, but mostly 
just enjoyed the rustic views of farms, horses, and tall trees.  As they 
got closer to the Chesapeake Bay inlet, the terrain flattened out and 
opened up into the sun.  Finally, they reached their destination. This 
state park was known to have 15,000 year old shark teeth fossils, just 
waiting to be dug up. They headed down the winding path towards the bay 
with eager anticipation. It was a beautiful spot, with the blue-gray 
water lapping upon the crescent shore.  

At first, they both just stood there and took in the sight. Then, with 
the carefree attitude of children, they searched up and down the 
water's edge for little black teeth embedded in the sand.  Mac's eyes lit up 
with giddy excitement when she found the first one.  More followed; the 
thrill of discovery was contagious.  It became a competition as to who 
could find the most teeth fossils.  Harm acted predatorial, deeply 
focused on the hunt.  He was intent on winning.  But eventually, they both 
just laughed it off and sat down with their collection uncounted.  The 
fresh air felt wonderful. It was great to get out of D.C. 

"Are you ready to break open the lunches we brought?" Mac asked after a 
while.

"Sure.  Is this a good place for a picnic?"

"Maybe over there by that odd looking tree."

They made their way to a comfortable spot, and leaned against the low 
lying limbs.  They ate and talked.  When they were finished, they 
lingered and just looked out over the water.  Harm brought one knee up 
towards his chest and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly.  His other 
foot gently kicked around in the textured sand. It occurred to Mac that 
a more somber mood had settled on Harm.  His contemplative features 
said it all.  His jaw was set, and he began to fidget.  She knew he was 
about to say something important.  She simply waited. 

"Mac..."

"Uh, huh..."

"I'd like to talk to you about what you read in the medical report."

"I'm listening."

"Okay,...You know some of the facts; I guess I might as well fill you 
in on the whole story, since I'm sure you're wondering about some 
things..."

Harm cleared his throat and looked off into the distance.  A momentary 
feeling of apprehension spread across him, but he continued to speak. 
"After the crash in the ocean, you probably know that I had some 
physical healing to do on my leg.  My overall recovery was slow.  I felt 
pretty weak at times. Maybe because I was just getting older, it was harder 
to heal.  I didn't talk to you about it at the time, but it took a 
while to bounce back."

"Anyway,...Renee hovered over me quite a bit, and it was suffocating. I 
mean, she kept trying to restore my memories of our relationship.  I 
think she knew it was a lost cause, but she was desperate, I guess.  
Well, when we traveled out to Minnesota for her father's funeral, Renee 
tried to initiate some sexual relations between us.  Maybe it was Renee's 
way of dealing with her grief; I don't know.  I, um, didn't really feel 
ready or interested in it, but she made me feel kind of obligated, 
laying on a bit of guilt. I had been putting her off in a lot of little 
ways, keeping a distance from her.  She was aware of that"... It felt so 
strange to talk to Mac about this....

"So, when she persisted in being physical with me, eventually I gave 
in.  It started out okay, although like I said, my heart just wasn't in 
it.  But when it came time to, um, you know....actually do it, well 
it...didn't happen."

Harm looked down and dragged a stick in the sand.  " I mean, I wasn't 
able to..."

"You lost your erection." Mac supplied.  She figured it was best to 
just come right out with it, to make it less awkward for him.  She could 
tell Harm was surprised by her frankness.

"Well, yeah...exactly.  It was pretty humiliating.  I felt embarrassed 
and a little puzzled actually. That had never happened to me before in 
my life."

"You know, its normal for that to occur once in a while..."

"Well, not for me.  I tried not to worry about it, but when it happened 
on two more occasions...You can imagine how mad Renee was.  She really 
let me have it.  She wasn't very understanding, to say the least.  I 
think she felt it was an indicator of something wrong in our 
relationship. Maybe it was. I didn't want to be with her.  I didn't want her.  She 
was basically outraged, and threw some insults at me.  She even brought 
you into the picture."  Harm glanced up at Mac, then went on. "We broke 
up soon after that.  Still, it didn't end without some pretty harsh 
words between us."

"I felt like such a failure, and started to think that something was 
really wrong with me.  So, I went to see the neurologist that consulted 
with me during my hospital stay.  He did a complete physical work 
up...no sign of diabetes, no outward physical indicators of trauma.  What he 
concluded was that I may have had some neurological damage to the 
nerves that innervate the pelvic floor.  Catapulting out of an F-14 is 
enough to completely crush the pelvis if you land wrong.  Apparently, this 
can happen to pilots when they punch out.  He said that I literally 
would not know if everything worked, until it worked.  I would have to wait 
and see.  Eventually, I'd know if there was permanent damage.  It was 
quite a blow to hear that.  I could hardly absorb the information."

"And you never told anyone else about this, during all this time..."

"How could I?  I mean, it's a very personal matter, and not a topic I'd 
just want to bring up."

Mac imagined how overwhelmed he must have felt, carrying this knowledge 
around with him everyday.  He probably felt like it was always there, 
hanging over his head...affecting everything

 "I never would have guessed that you were dealing with this, Harm.  
I'm so sorry."

"Yeah..."

"But, I'm wondering..."

"Yes"

"Well, since then..." Mac prodded...

"I haven't been with a woman since then."

"Well, you've dated...I'm pretty sure of that."

"What makes you think I sleep with everyone I date, Mac?"

Mac gave him a doubtful look, and Harm just rolled his eyes in 
exasperation.  

"Hey, I saw that blond architect give you her card.  She wanted you to 
fix her plumbing sometime, as I recall."

"Oh, come on, Mac.  You must really have a low opinion of me.  You 
treat me like I have a reputation for sleeping around."

"Only with blonds."

"Trust me, there hasn't been anyone since Renee."

"Well, what about when you...I mean, uh, when you're alone...?"

Harm's mouth dropped open and his face turned a slight shade of pink.  
"I can't believe you asked that!"

"It is a legitimate question.  You'd find out if the problem is 
physical or psychological."

"I know.  That's just what the neurologist said."  Harm turned his head 
away from her. Then stated,  "I'm not going to talk to you about that."

"Well, I just know that's how they rule out the source of the 
problem...Sorry if I made you uncomfortable."

Harm examined a few pebbles in his hand absentmindedly and shrugged.  
"It's okay.  This whole discussion makes me uncomfortable."  He 
hesitated. "Listen, all I will say is that, at this point, I'm pretty sure the 
problem isn't physical."

His words sunk in. Mac couldn't help but smile to herself.  She was 
sure he wasn't able to see.  Then, she subtly glanced at Harm, and was 
surprised to notice that he had a bashful smile on his face too, even 
though he wouldn't make eye contact with her. 

"Well, that must have been a relief to at least know..."

 "Yes, I guess it was."

"So, now all you have to do is find someone and make...things right..."

"Well, I've been pretty hesitant to do that, Mac. I mean, what if it 
happens again with another woman?  Okay, then I would have to admit that 
it is psychological. What do I do then?  I'd be a guy with a lot of 
emotional problems,..with one that's a real relationship killer."  Harm 
looked up into the sky.  "I just dread facing that moment....I still 
haven't forgotten about the last time..." his voice trailed off.  "I'm not 
ready to confront that yet, I guess.   Without actually finding out, I 
can still kind of remain hopeful, you know....The reality could be 
pretty awful."

A touch of worry spread over Harm's expression.  He turned to Mac and 
said, "So now you can probably understand that I wasn't working with a 
whole lot of confidence when I came out to see you on the Guadalcanal.  
I didn't know if I could actually follow through on a relationship with 
you.  I couldn't bear the thought of my problem coming between us, not 
just because of the embarrassment, but because you'd potentially think 
it had to do with you. It might have destroyed any faith you had in us. 
You'd more than likely develop serious questions about my feelings for 
you."

Mac was jarred by the revelation. She hadn't yet made the link to his 
ambivalent behavior over the past two years.  This explained a lot.  
Somehow she was comforted in knowing that there was a reason.  She thought 
about all of the implications of what Harm had disclosed to her.  It 
made a difference knowing that he might have wanted to pursue her, but 
hesitated out of fear and legitimate concerns about his ability to 
function.  It shed light on the rather asexual Harm she had grown to know in 
recent years.  Mac also realized how hard this must have been for Harm 
to talk about with her.  She felt compassion for him.  He'd been 
struggling with these significant and very real doubts about himself as a 
man. What an awesome  burden to bear alone.  She couldn't imagine how 
difficult that must have been.

"Harm, I want to thank you for sharing this with me. I feel honored 
that you could trust me with this."

He didn't respond at first.  Then he said, "I'm glad I finally did. It 
was almost a relief that you found out about it through the medical 
file.  Believe it or not, I've been wanting to tell you for a while.  I 
just couldn't find the courage."

After opening up, Harm was feeling pretty vulnerable at the moment.  He 
decided to lighten the mood.  "Well, now you can give me some pointers 
about how to get out of this dating rut I'm in.  I'm tired of being a 
celibate monk."  He threw a rock forcefully into the water.

"Hey, I can relate to that.  Two years is too damn long!"  

"I'll say!" They laughed in unison.  

Harm and Mac both got up and began to walk back to the car, this time a 
different way through the marsh trail. The atmosphere between them was 
playful, and they enjoyed their easy friendship.  They left things at 
that, and set off on a course home with all the windows down.




Thursday, 1530
In flight

On the following Tuesday, Admiral Chegwidden had sent Harm and Mac down 
to Pensicola for a brief TAD assignment to investigate an embezzlement 
case.  They nearly had everything wrapped up by the time they were 
returning Thursday afternoon on another commercial flight.  They had moved 
into a comfortable working relationship again, along with a renewed 
closeness in their friendship.  Neither of them knew how to proceed 
towards something more.

"Hey, did you know that people who've eaten oatmeal as children are 
four times more likely to develop cancer?"

"What are you talking about?" Harm responded distractedly.  He shifted  
uncomfortably in his economy seat.  

Mac looked up from her magazine.  "It is part of this Good News Survey 
which points out all of these ridiculous correlations that just happen 
by chance.  It's hilarious. I guess oatmeal can kill you." 

"That's why I eat cornflakes."

Harm got up to stretch his legs and use the lavatory, but ended up 
aimlessly standing in line near the flight attendant galley.  He made small 
talk with another passenger and a stewardess.  

"Do you live in Washington, D.C?" a pair of pretty green eyes met his.

"Yes, I do," Harm replied.

"Where?  Maybe we're neighbors.  I live in the MacArthur Park area."

"I'm a little Northeast of that, near Union Station."

A light conversation with the friendly stewardess continued as Harm 
waited patiently for a vacancy sign.  From a distance, Mac glanced up and 
took in the unfolding scene.  She saw how the flight attendant smiled 
frequently while working in the kitchen near Harm.  She could see Harm's 
polite mannerisms.  It was obvious that the blond woman was attracted 
to him. Then he gave her that killer smile in response to something she 
said.  It flashed only briefly, but it was enough to really engage her. 
His good looks got them every time.  Harm couldn't help it; Mac knew 
that.  He was so comfortable around women. He put them at ease because he 
liked them.  He flirted effortlessly, truly without thinking.  It was 
second nature to Harm.  She had seen it so often over the years.  What 
must it be like to have that much attention from the opposite sex?  

The flight attendant, now going by Patricia, asked Harm about his work 
and life.  When his turn came to use the rest room, she moved back to 
the galley and busied herself preparing snacks.  On impulse, she got out 
a pen and piece of paper and wrote her number on it.  She was ready to 
give it to him when he stepped out.  Once he realized what she was 
handing him, Harm gave her a flattered smile and put the note in his 
pocket.  He headed back to his seat, with Patricia's eyes inadvertently 
following him the whole way.  Mac noticed that he didn't make mention of the 
incident.  She guessed he just took it in stride, everywhere he went.  
Damn him.

Later, while walking towards the baggage claim area and exit, Harm 
tried to converse pleasantly with Mac, but he could tell that she was 
bugged by something.  She was irritable and aloof.

"Okay, what gives, Mac?  Have I offended you somehow?" he inquired 
tentatively.

Mac gave a long-suffering sigh, and stopped in her tracks.  She put her 
carry-on down and turned to him.  Other passengers rushed past them in 
a blur.

"Are you going to call her?" Mac asked pointedly.

"You saw that?" he said sheepishly.  He looked caught, but his gaze 
held a touch more contrition.  

"She's very attractive, and just about your age.  Perfect for you."

"Mac, I'm not interested."

"I think she may be hoping otherwise.  You wouldn't want to let her 
down, " she leveled at him.

"I was just being friendly."

"You were just being you.  You don't even have to try, Harm, and women 
just throw themselves at you."

"I'm not going to be rude."  He lifted his hands in exasperation. "I 
was standing in line to use the head.  Where was I gonna go?" 

"Yes, I could see that you were stuck there, but why do you have to be 
so nice?  I mean, you just give women your flyboy smile and they melt. 
And then, once they find out you're a lawyer AND fly jets, oh my god, 
they must be putty in your hands."

"I can't believe you're saying this. You know I'm not trying to pick up 
women. There's no need to be insulting, Mac."

Mac knew she was being irrational. And despite what Harm had opened up 
to her about last weekend, she felt upset on a visceral level. "I'm 
just tired of it, Harm. It is a spectacle, and it is getting on my nerves.  
Go after her if you want her, dammit!"  She started to walk away.

"I told you, I'm not interested in that!  Hey, wait a minute, 
...listen..."

She brushed him off.  "It's probably a mobile phone number.  You can 
reach her any time of day.  Why don't you pursue it?  
 
Harm caught up with her and held her shoulder.  He slowed her brisk 
pace to a halt.  "The last woman I tried to pursue, I called her and sent 
her emails. I even flew across the ocean to talk to her.  She made it 
clear that she wasn't interested."  Harm let the words sink in to her 
thick skull.

Mac's eyes widened and she blinked slowly.  "That's not fair.  I didn't 
have my head on straight then."

"Well, do you have it on straight now?"

"Yes."

Harm paused, and said with genuine thoughtfulness, "Then, can I call 
you?"

Mac let out a breath at his intent stare. "Yes."

"Okay, then." A slow smile spread on Harms face.  His eyes shined with 
delight.

Unexpectedly, Harm turned around and walked over to the nearest 
trashcan, took the folded paper out of his pocket, and threw it away.  He came 
back to stand in front of her.  They just looked at each other and 
smiled, neither wanting to break the spell.  A flutter of excitement surged 
through Mac.  

"You want to share a cab?" asked Harm without moving.

"Yep"

"Let's go."

In the taxi, Harm pulled Mac down into his arms and they linked their 
hands together.  They were both reveling by the promise of things to 
come.




Friday 0715
Great falls, Virginia

Mac picked up her cellular phone from the dashboard of her car after 
the first ring.
 
A deep, warm voice greeted her on the other end of the line.

"Hi, Mac"

"Hi."

"Would you like to go out to dinner with me Saturday night?"

Mac smiled to herself. "It depends on where you're taking me."

"How 'bout that little Thai food restaurant we went to that one time?"

"In that case, yes, I'd love to."

"Great.  I'll pick you up at 7.  See you in a few."  Click.

Mac was suspended in a moment of joy.  Harm had asked her out on a 
date.  Her internal clock was already going haywire, because her reaction 
time was off and she nearly bumped into the car in front of her at the 
traffic light.


*************************************************************  


Saturday, 2330
Washington, D.C.

Their first date had been wonderful.  They shared a meal and a few 
longing gazes across the table. Amazing as it seemed, Harm and Mac had 
effortlessly crossed the threshold into couplehood.  It was surreal. They 
had strolled along the street front stores of Georgetown, enjoying the 
sociable nightlife, and holding hands.  They couldn't take their eyes 
off each other. After an extended evening, Harm drove Mac home and 
accompanied her to her door.  His eyes connected with hers once again, and 
Mac felt a small shiver travel up her arms. Time stood still. Then, ever 
so tenderly, Harm leaned down and kissed Mac on the lips. It was sweet 
and passionate.  He stepped back slightly to gauge her reaction. They 
both felt the pull of sexual attraction. Then Harm smiled boyishly, and 
shifted his weight back on his heels. They both let out lighthearted 
laughs to relieve the tension.  They made plans for sharing the next day 
together, and reluctantly parted.

Over the next two weeks, they spent every minute they could with each 
other outside of work.  Harm cooked for Mac on different occasions, and 
in return she gave him an intense back rub following a lengthy day in 
court.  They shared Friday night videos together, and Saturday morning 
jogs.  They fell asleep in each other's arms on Mac's couch, but they 
didn't spend the night together.  Harm's apartment also accommodated some 
late nights, but inevitably, one or the other of them would end up 
driving home at two am.  It didn't matter.  They were in love.  They kept 
their romantic relationship private for the most part, cherishing their 
time alone as a couple.  On the second Sunday afternoon, they were 
doing laundry at Harm's place.  It was fun just being together, rolling 
socks and sorting underwear. 

Out of the blue, Harm turned Mac around from the laundry basket and 
just gave her a splendid smile.  He seemed so happy.  They kissed a 
little, and Harm wrapped his arms around her back.  He rested his forehead on 
hers, and took in the fragrance of her shampoo.  He closed his eyes for 
a moment, then lifted his face to hers.  Mac felt drawn in to his 
penetrating stare and beautiful blue eyes.  It occurred to Mac that he was 
charming her, and she was helpless to fight it.  He brought out his hand 
and traced her cheek and jaw line with his fingers.  

"I love you" he said softly.  

Mac wasn't expecting his declaration, right there, against the washing 
machine, amidst all of Harm's cleaning products.  There may have even 
been a bug or two in the corner.  None of that mattered.  She might as 
well have been in the engine room of an aircraft carrier for all she 
cared about her surroundings.  Her heart could only focus on this man 
standing before her.  She loved him...had always loved him.  And she could 
finally tell him so.  A feeling of such relief and elation filled her 
soul.

"I love you too, Harm."  They shared another kiss and hugged each 
other.  "It took you long enough to let me know," Mac teased.

"Well, I had to plan for just the right moment. I thought you'd like 
the smell of Downy in here."

"It will remain in my memories forever."




One month later
Saturday, 1730 
Harm's apartment

Harm and Mac finished their jog and nearly fell into a sweaty heap on 
the living room floor of Harm's flat.  They took a moment to catch their 
breath and bring their pulses down.  Harm stood up to walk it off and 
paced around the apartment, hands on hips.  He brought out some cold 
water bottles from the refrigerator and offered one to Mac.  

"Thanks," she said as she drank some of it down.

"You want to take the first shower?  I can start making dinner."

"Sure."

Mac got up and headed towards Harm's bedroom.  She picked up her duffle 
bag from near the front door as she went.  She felt at home at Harm's 
place.  As she stepped into the shower, she heard Harm rustling around 
in the cabinets.  It was a comforting sound.  The hot water felt 
invigorating on her skin.  While she lathered up, she thought about their 
relationship. 

Over the past weeks, she'd been getting to know Harm on a more 
emotionally intimate level. They shared life stories and their private 
thoughts, also bringing up previous relationships.  She didn't mind hearing 
about old girlfriends. It was actually kind of intriguing to find out 
about Harm's past from his point of view.  Mac loved the whole process of 
uncovering the real Harmon Rabb, Jr., not just the idealized impression 
she might have had of him.  They had taken the physical side of the 
relationship very slow.  That didn't bother her either. Considering what 
they may have to work through, she tried to be sensitive to the 
direction and pace that Harm wanted to take things.  They had never discussed 
his past difficulties with sex again after that day on the Chesapeake 
Bay.  She was pretty confident that everything was going to work out fine 
in that department. If the chemistry between them was any indication, 
their love-making would be tremendously passionate.  She could be 
patient.

Yet, it wasn't as if Mac didn't long to know him sexually. They had 
reached such a level of familiarity that it seemed like Mac was always 
being confronted by his raw physical magnetism. They had become quite 
affectionate with each other, touching often, kissing, nudging their legs 
together at the couch.  It just felt instinctual.  He was so damn sexy, 
in a thousand minute ways.  The way he moved, captured her eyes, 
flirted with her in kitchen.  If she didn't know better, she imagined that he 
was trying to seduce her.  But, actually, being sexy was just Harm's 
way, and he probably didn't even know the affect he had on her.  
 
In contrast, Harm had different perspective on the progression of their 
relationship, one which was tainted with a certain degree of 
trepidation.  He felt happier than he had ever felt in his life.  He was with the 
woman he deeply loved.  But, still, he had some nagging doubts about 
how their joining would actually turn out.  He wanted her.  He yearned to 
make love to her.  There had been plenty of nights where he'd been kept 
awake by sexual desire. She was beautiful and so provocative, and his 
body always responded to her nearness.  At times, Harm practically ached 
to become intimate with her, ...but he didn't want to push it.  He 
tried not to think about what could go wrong, and most of the time, just 
enjoyed the moment.  He didn't know when they'd ever cross that 
threshold.  It was just a bit scary.  Foremost in his mind, he didn't want to 
disappoint her. 

As Mac came around the corner from the bedroom, Harm's breath caught in 
his throat.  She looked so pretty, with her hair wet and face freshly 
cleaned.  

"I cut up some fresh fruit for you.  It's on the counter."

Leave it to Harm to prepare healthy snacks.  She smiled and sat down 
near the plate. "Thanks"

"I'm going to hit the shower.  Be back in a minute."

When Harm returned, Mac looked up from the bar stool and took in the 
sight of him.  He wore faded blue jeans and a light colored Navy t-shirt.  
His hair was spiked up wet, and he graced her with that winning Harm 
smile.  She didn't know she'd be so glad to see him again after 12 
minutes and 52 seconds, but there you are.  She had to face it.  He exuded 
sexuality. The way he ambled towards her, the way he filled out those 
jeans...so lean and muscular.  Even his bare feet were sexy.  Her eyes 
drifted down to the front of his pants.  She couldn't help but wonder what 
he looked like naked. Whew!   She had butterflies in her stomach.  She 
had to hold back the urge to jump up and throw herself at him, damn her 
scruples.

Harm opened the refrigerator and bent over to look for a soda.  She got 
a great view of his backside, but tried not to stare.  He caught the 
direction of her gaze when he turned around.  He smiled in a nonchalant 
manner and went over to the table.  She moved to join him, appetizers in 
hand.  With a twinge of self-consciousness, Mac wondered if he had any 
idea what she had been thinking.  Perhaps he read minds.

They picked at the assortment of fruit together, joking and laughing 
over silly things.  At some point, Harm got up and tried to show her how 
he could catch a grape in his mouth.  He was such a show off.  He 
grinned with success.  She demonstrated her stupid human tricks, and then 
tried to toss a grape into his mouth from where she stood.  It almost 
worked.  They laughed, and she attempted the maneuver again, moving 
closer....toss...then closer...toss...finally, she practically placed the 
grape in Harm's mouth.  He swallowed in amusement.  She fed him again, 
this time more slowly.  He took the fruit and never broke his fixed gaze 
from her eyes.  Her legs turned to jello, and she leaned towards him.  
Harm took a fleeting moment to consider the pros and cons of his next 
move, but decided to just let go all of his insecurities and dive in.  He 
was just plain horny, and now was the time to indulge. Frankly, he was 
tired of lacking confidence with a woman...sick of fearing failure.  He 
just wanted to be with Mac.

They began to kiss like they were driven by deep primitive lust.  All 
the restrained passion that had been building over the past month, 
through the past 7 years, just washed over them with enormous power.  Mac 
pushed Harm back against the counter, and his legs naturally spread open 
to accommodate her body.  He pulled her close, pressing his entire 
length against her.  This was the first time Mac really felt Harm's form 
beneath his clothes.  He had always kept a slight physical distance 
between them when they kissed before.  Harm was obviously aroused and a 
thrill shot through Mac.  She was flattered that she had caused his 
response, and reveled in that intimate knowledge of him. Their hands roamed 
over each other, seeking out skin and muscle, answering long-awaited 
questions.  Harm's heartbeat raced in his chest.  She was so sensual and 
pliable in his arms.  He caressed Mac's breasts through her shirt, and 
she purred in pleasure. 

"Mmmmmm......" 

"Mac,.." Harm got out with a ragged breath.  

"Uh huh,..."

"We should probably slow down..."

"Yeah, we probably should...", she mumbled as her fingers laced through 
his hair.  Neither of them wanted to stop.  They resumed kissing, and 
Harm's hands dropped down to pull Mac's hips closer to his, caressing 
her physique.  A deep moan emanated from his throat.  It felt so damn 
good.  There was no way that he could let go of her.  

"It's been a long time..." he gasped, as she moved against him. 

"Yes, it has."

"You wanna go make out?"

"Yes!"  Thank God!  They stumbled towards the bedroom and fell down on 
the bed.  Harm lay on top of Mac and pressed himself against her into 
the mattress.  He was so turned on.  He was forceful and seductive, 
running his hands over her and kissing her ears.  He loved feeling this 
potent.  He felt so alive.  He could hardly contain his joy and excitement 
at finally being this close to Mac. She was incredibly aroused as well, 
and began kissing him with a renewed passion. The heat between them was 
palpable.  Mac began to tease his mouth with her tongue, and this just 
enflamed their senses even more.  

Finally, through the haze of love and lust, Harm looked up from her 
shoulder and asked, "Mac, are you on any kind of protection?"

"What was that?..."

In between kisses, Harm continued, "I was wondering if you were on the 
pill or something...because I don't actually have anything here..."

"You're kidding, right?"  Mac's voice became alert.

"No, I'm not."

"Oh, my God."

"Well, I just never thought we'd get to this point tonight, Mac. 
Sorry..."

"You're full of surprises!"

"What, you think I keep a stack of expired condoms in my medicine 
cabinet...in case of emergencies?"

Mac smiled, and said, "No, but you're basically a grown up boy scout, 
and I thought you'd always be prepared."

"No, that's your job, Marine."

"No, that's the army, Harm." And she resumed making out with him.  He 
pulled away after another five minutes.  He was so turned on he was 
shaking.  Something had to give.  He felt desperate to have her.  God, if 
he could just be inside of her...just for a moment. 

Mac took a deep breath and licked her lips. That gesture was so erotic 
that Harm almost lost all reason. 

Okay, that's it. He rolled back on the bed and rested on his elbows, 
studying Mac intently from a distance.  She stared back, trying to get 
her breathing under control.  With grave disappointment, Harm closed his 
eyes and realized he was doomed to live a life of unresolved arousal.  
He must be destined to be celibate.

"So, what should we do now," Harm threw out with a pent-up sigh. 

"Well, there are alternatives, you know..."

Harm's eyes opened up.  "Yeah, I guess there are..." 

"Do you want to just...fool around with me?"

On a whim, Harm gave her a cocky smile, "You bet."

He reached over and began touching the vulnerable area of her neck ever 
so softly, caressing her skin and feeling her pulse.  He moved his 
fingers slowly down, and leaning over on his side.  Mac had a playful grin 
on her face as she began her own explorations. She kissed his lips, 
ears, neck, and simultaneously ran her hands down his chest muscles. She 
could hear his shallow breathing, tense with anticipation.  She wanted 
to know all of him. Their hands roamed over each other in frank 
curiosity, and their passion grew.  All of the hunger and desire they felt 
culminated in a mutual drive for release.  Through intimate and uninhibited 
touches, those needs were met. They pleasured each other, and 
afterwards, Harm just held her close and smiled down at her.

When she didn't say anything, he said, "I'm a little embarrassed about 
this, you know."

"Why? You're sexy as hell."

He chuckled at her remark, and said "I didn't expect...I mean, this 
feels so... adolescent."

"Did this sort of thing happen a lot to you when you were a teenager?"

"Well, no...actually, I don't think it ever happened with a 
girlfriend."

"Well, I, for one, am glad we shared this.  We finally got relief from 
our life of chastity."

"We didn't have sex, Mac."

"Oh, you sound very Clintonesque."

"Well, we didn't.  I'd much rather be inside you."

"That can be arranged."

They grinned back at each other.  

 "Come here," he growled.  Harm pulled her closer to him on the bed. 

Mac snuggled up into his arms.  The apartment had grown dim in the 
early evening and the only illumination now was from the kitchen and 
bathroom.

He smoothed her hair gently, and kissed her cheek.

"I can't wait to make love to you, but...I don't know what's going to 
happen...when, you know..."

"Everything was working properly this time."

"This was different."

"How?" she challenged him.

"It just was."

"Does this feel right to be with me?"

"Absolutely."

"Well, I honestly think that what happened with Renee was a combination 
of you not really wanting to be with her and your body not being 
physically ready after the accident."

"That might be true."

"Just listen to me. Your body knows what it wants. I can tell."

He laughed lightly. "And how can you discern that?"

"You are an incredibly sexy man, Harm, and your arousal spoke louder 
that words tonight.  I don't think we are going to have a problem 
together." 

"I think you might be right, Mac.  We'll have to give it try tomorrow, 
once we hit a drug store."

"Isn't there an all-night one a half-a block away?"

She felt his laughter rumble in his chest.  "Okay, okay, let's head 
down there after dinner. Then you can stay the night with me."

Mac felt blissfully happy.  


*************************************************************


Saturday, 2300
Harm's apartment


After enjoying a meal and taking that history-making trip up the street 
together, Harm and Mac relaxed in the apartment for the rest of the 
evening.  They played an innocuous board game, which, of course, brought 
out the competitive dynamics of their relationship once again.  It was 
always amusing to discover how well-matched they were in skill and 
strategy. The light-hearted friction between them brought with it genuine 
respect and admiration.  They complimented each other so well, in 
strengths and weaknesses.  Together, they made sense. 

During their recreation, they shared a special intimacy between them 
with passing touches and furtive glances.  Mac marveled at how far they 
had progressed in their relationship. Harm had finally let her into his 
life, and in return, she had entrusted him with her heart.  There was 
an excitement in the air, too, from the anticipation of what was to 
come.  One thought kept returning to Mac's consciousness...tonight they may 
finally cross that threshold; tonight was the night.

When they were ready to go to bed, Harm offered Mac first use of the 
bathroom and sat down on the edge of the comforter.  He mused that 
domestic life fit him pretty well.  He loved the fact that Mac was going to 
be staying with him overnight.  He never wanted her to leave.  He felt a 
bit nervous about their imminent lovemaking, but overall, relished the 
thought of being with her sexually.  He was optimistic that it would be 
an amazing experience.  It was Mac, after all, and he loved her with 
all his heart.  He didn't feel pressured to perform with her.  

Unexpectedly, the bathroom door pushed open, and Mac set a determined 
course straight for him.  She wrapped her arms around his neck and 
straddled his waist with her legs. She sat down on his lap, wearing only her 
skimpy underwear and t-shirt.  Mac kissed his face and smiled 
delightedly.  Her eyes sparkled.

"Wow,...what did I do to earn all of this lavish attention?"      

"Oh, be quiet, you know what you did, you sly dog."

"What?"

"Don't be coy..." she said as she kissed him again.

"Just give me a hint...so I'll know for future reference..."

Mac pulled back and said, "I found them. You are so thoughtful!"

"The condoms?"

"No, the bath and body wash.  I found the gift basket."

"Ohhhh, that, well...."

"I love Victoria Secret."

"Well, I was hoping you would.  I was going to surprise you."

"I love it!"

"I'm glad.  I noticed you had some at your place...So now you'll have 
some here with me...."

"Thank you, Harm," she kissed him sweetly. "But how did you know what 
scent to get me?  Are you psychic or something?  You picked out pear, my 
favorite."

"Harriet told me.  I asked her what you liked."

"Oh, she'll have a field day with that one!  She's already living 
vicariously through us as it is.  Let's not feed her fantasies any more, 
shall we?

"Well, I asked her about edible underwear." Harm teased.

"You didn't!" Mac exclaimed, and patted his chest tauntingly.  Harm 
just raised his eyebrows suggestively at her, and they both giggled a 
little.

Mac leaned down and resumed her sensual kissing, and soon pheromones 
began to lull them into a sexual daze. Harm had to reel things back in a 
bit because he still hadn't visited the bathroom.  Without preamble, he 
gently picked her up and placed her on the bed beside him. She looked a 
little perplexed. 

"Just give me one minute.  I'll be right back."

Harm quickly brushed his teeth and got ready for bed.  He returned in 
his typical sleeping attire-briefs and bare chest.  Mac had switched off 
the bedside lamp, but street lights from the open window provided a 
soft glow throughout the room.  After placing a small foil packet on the 
nightstand, Harm slid in beside Mac and wrapped his arms around her.  He 
made tiny circles on her abdomen, and kissed her slender shoulder and 
neck for a short while.  Through her hair he asked, "Are you still 
frisky, Mac?"

"That's a rhetorical question."

"Good, then I take it you're still up for making love..."

"I am, and from the feel of it, I'd say you are too."  Mac already 
noticed how he was pressing up against her.

"That's just the effect you have on me, Mac."

They turned on their sides and looked at each other in the dimness-eyes 
transfixed.  

"I love you, Harm."

"I love you too."

They began their lovemaking with feather kisses and soft embraces-their 
bodies nearly humming with sensory readiness.  At first Harm and Mac 
seemed equally tentative, almost shy, about moving things forward.  Yet, 
it didn't take long for them to become more comfortable with their 
physical intimacy.  Between loving caresses, their hands wandered over each 
other in desperate longing. Once they were completely undressed, Harm 
was mesmerized by how beautiful she was.  He was devoted to knowing 
every inch of her, and his fingers roamed freely over her curves. Mac was 
imbued by his masculine form.  She traced the scars on his body and 
covered them with hushed kisses.  Mac looked up into Harm's eyes and was 
saturated by the intense desire and love she saw.  It surprised her that 
Harm was trembling slightly. Yet, she read no hesitancy or doubt on his 
features.  Harm reached down and captured her lovely face with his 
hand, preparing her for what was about to happen.  They made love with 
tenderness and passion. It was an agonizingly sweet torture.  Afterwards, 
they held each other close, still in awe over pleasure they had shared.  

Harm gave her a sexy grin, and touched her nose. "You..." 

"What...," Mac said with a naïve smile.

"I guess you cured me, " Harm said in unabashed joy.  

"You did it all on your own."

"No, I think I just needed to be with the right woman.  Nothing 
compares to you...You know that, right?"  He kissed her lovingly.

Mac felt a wonderful contentment inside her.  With a mutual sigh of 
relief, they both knew everything would be okay.  For Harm, it was like a 
burden was lifted off of his shoulders.  He could not help but feel 
such pride and elation.  Everything had worked perfectly. It had been 
beyond expectations, because it had been effortless.

For her part, Mac was struck by what a different person Harm was from 
the womanizer she used to tease him about being.  He was indeed a 
seductive and forceful lover, but carried none of the self-possessed 
arrogance of the flyboy facade.  She was delighted to know the truth.  She got 
to be the recipient of all of his lovemaking talents, and reveled in 
that thought.  

They spooned together and drifted off to sleep, at home in each other's 
arms.


********************************************

Saturday, 1630
Annapolis, Maryland


A gust of wind caught their 22 foot sloop, and Harm and Mac felt the 
keel of the sailboat hold steady as she leaned starboard.  The speed of 
the ship increased quickly as Harm tightened the mainsail.  He was at 
the helm, guiding them across Annapolis harbor.  The ocean and waves 
surrounding them were brilliant.  Harm was completely in his element on the 
water, almost a natural born sailor.  

Three weeks had passed since Harm and Mac had first been intimate with 
each other, and Mac noticed a remarkable change in Harm.  He seemed so 
carefree and open, and there was a lighthearted spirit about him that 
had not been present before.  Harm's familiar confidence had returned.  
He seemed relaxed and self-assured, with more resolution from the 
problems in his life.    She didn't attribute the happiness that she sensed 
in him to just sex, per se.  It was more that he was freed up to enjoy 
his life in the present....with her.  He didn't have to worry or hide 
any perceived weakness.  He had cast away those demons.  He could just 
be himself, giving and receiving love.  

Harm looked over at Mac and his eyes were dancing with mischief.  He 
asked her is she wanted to take control of the sailboat, and she was 
eager to volunteer.  She took the helm, an all at once she could feel the 
full force of the wind glide the sailboat along.  It was breathtaking!  
The ship immediately leaned over, and Mac laughed in excitement.  Spray 
from the ocean dashed their faces.  The experience of having so much 
power beneath her fingers was thrilling.  Harm loosened the jib and let 
some of the air blow off, slowing their pace and righting the ship's 
mast. After a while, he took over the helm again.  

"We're going to have to tack soon. You'll need to watch out for the 
boom over there.  Keep your head down, okay?"

"Got it."

Once they were set on a new course, Harm tugged on Mac's hand and drew 
her front of him.  He wrapped his arms around her shoulders from 
behind, and they both faced forward while he continued to guide the sailboat.  
Harm rested his chin on her hair, and Mac leaned back into his strong 
chest in comfort.  They took a moment to simply enjoy the pleasant 
afternoon and fresh salt air.

Without any fanfare, Harm carefully leaned over and handed Mac a 
wrapped gift.  She was surprised by the gesture, and opened it up to find a 
small hand-carved wooden box.  On the inside, the word "Eternity" was 
etched in cursive letters.  Mac saw a card that indicated that it was 
handcrafted from Australian ghost gum trees.  She smiled up at him in 
tremendous appreciation and said, "How did you ever find this?"

"I'm not telling." 

"Well, it is beautiful, Harm! Thank you so much!"

"Did you happen to notice anything else about it..."

She looked more closely and realized there was a small velvet pouch 
inside.  Her heart began to beat faster in her chest.  He took a delicate 
solitaire out of the black cloth, and slipped it halfway up her left 
ring finger.  He turned to look directly at her.  Harm was beaming with 
love.

"Mac, I see my future in your eyes, and I can't imagine not sharing the 
rest of my life with you.  I love you.  You would make me the happiest 
man alive if you would allow me to be your husband and partner.  Will 
you marry me?"

Mac's face was radiant with joy, and she was nearly speechless.  
Finally, she snapped out of her daze, and gave him an exuberant "Yes!", while 
wrapping her hands around his neck and kissing him senseless.  In 
return, Harm had a silly smile plastered on his face and his eyes twinkled 
with jubilation.  They had finally reached.....

				...the beginning.




The sea has its pearls,
The heavens, its stars
But my heart, my heart,
My heart has its love






*************************************************************
finis