"Birthday Reflections" by Leaflet: rae25t@yahoo.com Rated: PG Disclaimer: they ain't mine Summary: This is my first attempt at fanfic...I apologize if I have any of the "specifics" incorrect (ie, actual age, dialogue, etc.) Mostly a "fluff" fic since I am admittedly too ignorant on military specifics and such to go into a full fledge investigative episode. Mac's POV as she reflects on her birthday. PRESENT DAY I am usually more of a desert mountain person than ocean. The ocean has always seemed a bit angry to me, as it crashes against rocks and shorelines, never quite resting. Where as, deep in the desert mountain the hush is calming and peaceful. At least, this is so in my humble opinion. But then I may have my own personal influences for this assessment. Regardless of my biases, at this moment, the ocean and my chosen music are mixing in a way that makes me feel more in tune with myself than I have felt in a long time. It is my 35th birthday and I have purposely taken leave for the day as to avoid the usual ruckus that ensues around the office whenever there is a birthday. Not only do I dislike the spot light, but, this year it is particularly so for some reason. Maybe it was because this year 3 of my best friends are far away, or maybe it is just one of those “I’m getting older and what do I have to show for it” things. Whatever it is, I woke tense and decided a mind-cleansing walk was in the order today. A significantly large wave crashes against the rocks I am sitting upon, casting water up to my waste. The force nearly pushes me off my perch as I smile holding my CD player high to avoid submersion. George Winston plays his Colors and my mind melts into the ocean as he urges me with his piano. There are no words to his music, but they speak volumns to me as I feel him sing through the piano. The water is cool, the day is sweltering. In the distance a group of children are running along the beach, far from the nearly desolate rocks I have climbed along to find this spot jutting into the ocean like a finger. They are gleeful and happy, oblivious to what is going on half a world away. It was a month ago when they were deployed. I hugged them holding them tightly wishing it really were not true, and wondering why I was not joining them. But, when I was put in charge of JAG while the Admiral was amongst the deployed, my question was answered. As the Admiral finished my briefing on how to take care of his office while he was gone, I held the tightness in my throat. When he finished, he authoritatively directed me, “Marine. You may not be following us, but your job here is just as important. YOU will be the liaison for Washington and us; and no one is immune from anything in this war. So for gods sake, don’t spend your time worrying about us and neglecting your staff, or yourself!” As he said his peace, warmth and concern were conveyed in his eyes. I loved the Admiral deeply and wished he were staying here to direct our part of the war and not me. But, it was not so, his leadership was needed elsewhere. When he finished his speech, I acknowledged with a nod and a “Yes, Sir.” I was standing upright starting a salute, when he pulled me into a snug squeeze. I was relieved to be able to give my friend a hug as he left to join the war. “We will all be fine, please keep them upbeat here.” He whispered quietly to me. We separated and dutifully nodded to each other. I turned to find Sturgis. “Be careful.” I told Sturgis as we wrapped our arms around each other. We had become fast friends since he had joined our family at JAG. “Don’t let your guard down.” He smiled and replied in that wonderfully deep voice of his, “Don’t worry,” with a wink he followed, “I’m their Alec Baldwin.” We laughed and he turned away from me. Sturgis was the only thing standing between us. He paused and I saw them catch each other’s look. A small closed mouth smile crossed his lips as he nodded to Sturgis. “I’ll meet you down stairs, buddy.” Sturgis gave him the stage as he walked past him placing a light hand on his shoulder. He and the Admiral left the office. Nothing stood between us. A flash back ran through my head as I remembered the last time he left JAG without me. We stood in my office, “…you were in love.” “You’re not in love?” “What’s love have to do with it.” “Do you need me to water your plants?” “I don’t have any plants.” “There is so much I want to say…” He took a step towards me, sporting a light grin. As much as I liked his wide toothy smile, I loved his grin. When he grins, he inadvertently pushes his tongue against the back of his teeth, like he does when he is concentrating on something he is physically doing. The times I have flown with him, I see him concentrating with his mouth slightly open, tongue against the back of his teeth, I get swept up. “Don’t worry, I am just going as an advisor, no flying this time.” He gave that little shrug of his shoulders, the grin still there. Another step towards me. “In fact, you are more likely to experience turbulence here at headquarters than we are where we are going.” Another step and a drop in his gaze to avoid direct eye contact. “If I even HEAR of you trying to get into a tomcat and save the world…” I started to threaten. “I will simply kick your six.” My voice was wavering as I fought back my emotions. He broke into a full wide smile as he started to laugh at my weak attempt of a threat. I reached out grabbing the lapels on his uniform pulling him into me. His arms wrapped around me, as mine did him, and we just stood there momentarily pausing the world. I was the first to loosen my hold as I backed slightly to look up into his eyes, “Promise me you will be careful and you won’t try to take on the entire Middle East yourself.” I felt a tear fall down my cheek and I cursed it for once again showing him the emotions I wished I could hide. I fully expected him to do as he has so many times before, and lift a hand to swipe his thumb across my cheek intercepting the falling tear. But, my breath caught as he leaned down and placed his lips in its path, pressing lightly against my skin. I closed my eyes trying to gain control of myself, the feel of his warmth sending my senses reeling. Letting his mouth drag lightly across my face as he moved towards my ear, and breathed, “I will promise to stay out of trouble if you promise to do the same and be here for me when I get back.” He finished the sentence letting his mouth rest against me. I could feel the unevenness of my breathing as his closeness intoxicated me. Again, I hated the way he could affect me and make me forget all that I wanted to avoid. Slowly he pulled away from me and we paused caught in each other’s gaze. I wanted to ask just what that meant. …be here for me when I get back. But my mind spun back to a similar conversation on the Admiral’s porch, and all I could do was stare at him wishing he, they, didn’t have to leave. “How long was I supposed to wait?” “As long as it takes.” Why, why do I have to wait? If you truly want me, why should I have to wait? An interruption from Bud brought us back to reality, “Sir, your flight leaves in ½ an hour.” His back to Bud, his eyes on mine, his hand still on mine, he answered, “I’ll be there in a moment.” His intense look and the intense moment brought me again back to that porch; that night as we stood looking into each other, Tiner reminding us of where we were and why were there. We kissed that night, a kiss that replayed in my mind even to this day. With his back still to Bud, he grinned at me, like he knew it was his grin I loved to see. Then with a squeeze of his hand he sighed deeply and sharply turned away; it was as if he had to yank himself away in order to even be able to do so. It was a pathetic replay of hundreds of movies and books as we stared at each other while the elevator doors closed. A seagull swooping in front of me startles me back to the present day, my birthday. The war is going well for the US, much like Dessert Storm. But personally, the war has taken 3 of my closest friends to distant parts of the world; leaving me drained each and every day I arrive home. Right now, things are at a lull on the other side of the world, hence my ability to be away from the office for a short time. So why am I here? Sitting by the sea, revisiting the past in my mind. Searching in short. Searching to why I feel this distain for my birthday this year. A line from a Billy Joel song rings in my head, “Searching for something, taken out of my soul, something I’d never loose, something somebody stole.” But it is Winston that continues to serenade me with his piano as I search my soul and my past for this missing piece. No, not my past, just my soul. I am a firm believer that you can blame no one but yourself in life for your mistakes. Did my father’s abusive acts make me marry Chris? No. I married Chris and that is all there was to it. Am I a different person today? Certainly. A better person I feel. I have worked hard with the help of my Uncle, the Marine Corps, and now many good friends and I am proud of whom I am today. Did my mother’s abandoning me, and my finding out just how so, make me turn to Mic when I was denied what I really wanted? No, I accepted him for many more complex reasons than my mother taking off and leaving me with my father. I look out at the horizon. A boat floats lazily in the water. That night in Australia runs through my mind. The night I wish I could erase, the denial that burned a hole through my heart. Then there was the day we were leaving. “I love you Sarah Mackenzie.” Mic’s words echoed like they were spoken in an empty house. “Oh Mic.” It was as empty as that house. I recalled the day Mic showed up at the formal unannounced. Harriet wore Madonna’s dress, the A Admiral was with the doctor, he was with Renee, and I was alone. Personally, I was fine with being alone; it is how I have spent much of my life. But suddenly there was Mic next to me, taking hold of my arm like I was some trophy in a game. As we all walked into the ballroom, Mic placed himself between the group and myself. When I glanced around Mic, I caught him looking at me from the other side of the group. His was a look of question, mine was one of confusion. When Mic threatened to leave, he was edgy. It was the edgy part that frightened me. I backed down and against my self I offered to switch the ring to the other hand. The offer quelled his edginess. I switched the ring. It all happened quicker than I expected. Mic was in a hurry. I think he knew that if I had too much time to think, I would realize I truly did not want what he was offering. My CD reaches its end, and once again I am brought out of my thoughts. The sun is getting hotter by the moment so I decide to walk in the water along the shore. Making my way across the uneven rocks I find the sandy shoreline and start walking in knee-deep water. No, being alone has never scared me. In fact, being alone is really much easier. The harder thing is letting someone in, letting someone touch that part of you that is most fragile; your hopes, your dreams, your trust with your soul. At least for me it is. Oh believe me, it is worlds easier for me to trust some one even with my life, compared to trusting someone with my emotions and soul. I wade through the water, the resistance drawing on my muscles. Switching CD’s I start a soundtrack by Thomas Newman. My mind wandering continues. “Mic gave up his commission, his country for me. What would you give up to have me? Would you give up your girlfriend?” I awaited his answer and when it didn’t come within seconds I realized I had offered too much. So I promptly turned and left. It was later as I watched the helicopter lift off the deck that I realized how unfair that one single comment was. The pain that seared through me in Australia when I offered myself was topped only when I realized how unfair my request was. But I was too ashamed and proud to go to him and tell him that. How the hell could I even think of asking such a question? My god, me of all people. I, the one who demands that if someone requests you to give up something for them, then it is not you they truly love. I, who expected anyone involved with me to be willing to accept me and my idiosyncrasies; how the hell could I ask, “What would you give up for me?” I run a hand through my sea-dampened hair trying to erase that moment from my thoughts. A welcome distraction comes from beside me. “Excuse me ma’am? Can you take our picture?” A youngish teenager asks pointing to her group of friends holding a camera. I smile and nod a “yes”. Taking their camera I shoot several shots they were sure to enjoy for years to come. The photos take me to the Christmas present he left me last year. The framed picture of the two of us in the Middle East. Which leads my mind into the night that we spent, or shall I say, partial night we spent in the dessert. “You know, Mac, the temperature is going to continue to drop, so if we don’t share body heat, we’re risking hypothermia.” “You make it sound so inviting.” “You want an invitation?” “Yes.” “why don’t you come over here, it’s a little bit better than sleeping with scorpions.” I shimmied over towards him and we entwined our legs. I hate to admit how comfortable I felt on the hard dessert floor before the air strike hit. It had taken us a long time to get back to that spot of comfort with each other; each of us pulling back just as the other tried to reached out. Giving myself a mental shake I pull myself back to the present again. What the hell am I doing? Why am I doing this to myself? Spotting an ice cream cart in the distance I decide I need the distraction. But, my mind slips away as I trudge through the sand. “come to me.” “why?” “so we can talk.” “We’ve already talked.” “Don’t argue.” “I need a better reason.” The pause after that sentence was excruciating, once again I offered too much of an opening and left myself more than vulnerable. “you know the reason.” Those four words rang in my head constantly after that night. “You know the reason.” I did? I do? No…No…I don’t know the reason. “You need to be more specific than that, flyboy. I may be able to tell the time without a clock, find you in the middle of an angry ocean, but I can’t read minds.” I say out loud with a tone of sarcasm. “Were not sleeping together?” “Is that the problem?” “There is no problem.” “Then why don’t you just get over it?” “That won’t work.” “Why?” I was walking towards my office door, “Because I’m in love with him.” Damn. Why did I say that? Did I say that? Do I mean that? Damn it. Yes…I do feel that I mean it. I feel that I am in love with him. What now? Standing in front of the ice cream cart, I ask for chocolate chip in a cup. I watch the young man reach into the bin. He gives me a flirty smile as he dips a healthy portion into a cup. I smile cordially to the young man, then lightly to myself at the memory when we were on a carrier and I brought ice cream to him. He took vanilla over chocolate for the first time since I had met him. I asked him why and he said something silly like he had heard it was a good flavor and had its merits. Those were the times I liked most, just us being. Like Kevin Costner says to Susan Sarandon in Bull Durham, “I just want to be.” Laughing at myself I feel some of the heaviness starting to leave me. I’m not sure if it is the mind cleansing walk, or just the sunshine and sea breeze, but my soul is lifting. You know, I really do have a lot to be thankful. I am 35 years old today and I HAVE accomplished a lot in my time. A smile spreads across my face as I spoon cold sweetness into my mouth. Yes. I have several close friends that I can turn to whenever I need them. I am a Colonel in the United States Marine Corps. I am a successful trial lawyer. I have over a decade of sobriety. Yes, there is nothing to be down about today. Really. “Happy Birthday.” I say aloud as I reach the waters edge again. “Happy Birthday.” A voice from behind me echoes. I pause making sure I was not hearing things. “Happy Birthday.” Nope, not hearing things, definitely a voice behind me. I am too far from the ice cream cart for it to be them, I think, as I turn around to see the source. With a catch in my breath I feel my heart rate accelerate. “Happy Birthday.” All words catch within my throat. I want to move but suddenly my entire self feels like cement. With staggering letters I sputter, “H..H..Harm.” He slowly breaks into a smile, wide and bright, with a nod of acknowledgement. “Wha…how…why…” He laughs lightly at my loss for intelligent conversation, reaching out and lightly placing finger on my mouth summoning me to hush. Once properly silenced, he drops his hand and starts, “What…am I doing here? To say Happy Birthday. How did I get here? Hitched a lift with a supply helicopter. Convinced the CAG to give a little time off for good behavior. Can you believe that one?” He winks. I am standing now with open mouth not quite sure I believe what I am seeing. “Bud told me I might find you around here.” He looks around and continues, “So, why am I here.” He stops again, a grin appears on his face, the grin I love to see. Our eyes lock, not wavering, I repeat the question, “Why are you here?” Stepping closer to me he reaches out taking the ice cream from my hand. He looks down still grinning as he swirls the spoon and scoops some to his mouth. Wrapping his lips around the spoon he brings his eyes back to mine. I can see him slide the ice cream around his mouth, contemplating his next sentence. He picks up another spoonful. I can also see that he is enjoying the anticipation that is building as he plays with me. Finally, with a smile he holds the spoon of melting ice cream towards my mouth. “Why am I here?” The spoon is at my mouth. He raises an eyebrow and nods for me to take the offering. Without breaking the eye contact I encircle the spoon. As he slowly retracts it he answers the question, “Simple, because it is your 35th birthday, and I am in love with you; so I SHOULD be here if I can. I can, so here I am.” Nearly choking I swallow and look deeply into those greenish blue eyes of his. “Wha…Wha…” I start to stammer. Did he really say what I think he said? Am I ready for this? Why now? What has made him come to me with this confession? I stand shocked and unable to vocalize a word, let alone a whole sentence. His wide smile comes over his face as he teases, “If I had known it would make you speechless, I would have admitted it long ago.” He reaches over and removes the CD earpiece from my ear. “Did you hear me, marine? Are you okay with that?” I swallow hard trying to regain some control and voice. But I am spinning and not sure really what to say. Am I okay with that? Am I ready for this? He continues, starting to sound a bit unsure with my silence, “I know this is sudden; well, I guess I really wouldn’t say that 5 some years is sudden. But, we have been through so much together and we work so closely together I am just not able to wait any longer.” He starts to close the distance between us, “Hell, Sarah, you are my best friend and you know all my weaknesses and obsessions.” He reaches out with his hand brushing the hair out of my face as he talks. “There is no one in this world that can compare to you. When I wake in the morning, it is you that first comes to my mind. When I fall asleep at night, it is you that is last in my mind.” He reaches down placing the cup in the sand, then grasps my hands pulling them up to lay upon his chest still clenched within his fingers. Finally, I am able to squeak out a few words. “W…wh…why now?” I can feel the tears building as I tremble. “I can offer up a lengthy argument as to why it has taken me so long; regardless Sarah, we simply belong together. I know you Sarah MacKenzie. I know how hard it is for you to let someone touch you. I don’t mean physically, I mean deeply and emotionally; and I am willing to make that slow walk with you, letting you lead me along the way. I know how you fear and worry. I know how stubborn you can be when you believe in something; and I know what it is you believe in. I know who and what you are. I am willing to LET you be who and what you are. Because, it IS who and what you are that I love. I love YOU Sarah.” The tears have long started to fall down my face, he pauses, “Please don’t cry Ninja-girl.” With gentle caring hands he reaches to my face, leaving my hands to drop onto his chest. Holding my face in his hands he lets the tears fall as he slowly tilts my head to meet his eyes. His warm breath passing across my face as he asks, “May I kiss you ‘Birthday Marine’?” Again trying to regain some as semblance of control, I close my eyes and nod. When I feel the softness of his mouth brush against mine, it is all I can do to keep my composure. As he presses against me I accept him with a slight part to my mouth allowing a gentle trace of his tongue along my lip. His arms slide around me, holding me snuggly; my hands open against his chest and admittedly enjoy the feel of the muscles beneath. I taste the sweetness of the ice cream on his lips as we melt into each other. I feel him grasp a handful of my shirt in his hands as he somewhat suddenly pulls me tightly and presses urgently against me finishing the contact with a more definitive movement of his mouth against mine as he slowly ends the kiss. Not opening my eyes, I let my head fall back trying to gather my senses. I feel him slide a hand through my hair, brushing it back away from my face, then a light wipe against my cheek to catch some tears. “I hate when you cry.” He whispers. It was all so intense. I am not sure just what all is whirling through my mind, my soul, my heart. Certainly he gives a compelling argument, I think to myself. “Sarah? If you just give me a chance, I won’t let you down. You know me. You know me better than anyone on this earth. You can’t tell me that you don’t see that I am best when you are with me. You make me a better person, Sarah.” He has said my name more in the last 15 minutes than he has in the last 5 years. He starts to talk again, “When I said…” I interrupt him, finally finding the ability to mutter a few words, “Do you ever use that mouth for anything other than to let out all that hot air?” A slightly surprised look crosses his face and a tentative grin slowly creeps up. “Kiss me damn it!” A full smile now as he closes the gap between our mouths and once again we fall into each other. There is no question behind this contact; none of the searching for answers or waiting for reaction. Years of friendship and love hotly exchange as we share each other. Honestly, deep down, I have known for some time now that he has been ready for us, but has been waiting for me to be fully ready as well. However, the fear of being left naked and vulnerable has kept me from once again offering myself. Suddenly, I realize that the something taken out of my soul is him. It isn’t that he “completes” me, I am a whole and complete person in my own rights, but it is that we compliment each other and when we are together we are better and stronger than when we are not. We fall into a deep embrace and as I hold my arms tightly around him I laugh through my tears, “Why is it that I am always the only one crying.” “You’re not, Sarah.” He whispers against my neck. Loosening my embrace, I look up into his eyes. There swirling in those aqua green eyes is warmth, sincerity, gentleness, love, and yes, tears as he releases years of unspoken emotion. We laugh with each other, kiss lightly and fall back into the safety of our arms. “Always and forever, Sarah, always and forever.”