Big Bang Theory JAG HQ Monday morning (Four weeks after Psychic Hotline) "Ok, explain to me one more time how you ended up breaking the nose of a fellow officer?" "Ma???am, its quite simple. Ensign Lee and I are both enrolled in classes at the local community college. As fate would have it, he and I ended up in the same class.. Relativity and Quantum Theory for Beginners. We learn about the Big Bang Theory, the Theory of Relativity, Quantum Theory, Black Holes, all kinds of things. Well, about halfway through the semester, Ensign Lee stole a jar of tachyons from me." This is where I got lost the last time. "Please explain again, what are tachyons?" "Tiny theoretical particles with an imaginary mass that travel baclkwards in time." "Ok, he stole a jar of imaginary, theoretical, time travelling particles from you?" "Yes. But they are not imaginary. They???re mass is expressed with an imaginary number. Ever watch Star Trek, Ma???am? " I am getting a major headache. "No. I???ve never watched Star Trek. Lt., I need more time to review your case. You???re free to go for now. " I???ve worked a deal so he can be allowed to return to duty pending a resolution of this case.. As he leaves the office, Bud comes in. "Hello, Bud." "How are you doing?" "Just fine, Bud. And you?" "Fine, ma???am. Its good to have you back." "Thanks, its good to be back." I had been on leave for several weeks, recovering from a gunshot wound received saving Bud from one of my clients who was holding him hostage at the time. I almost didn???t make it, but Harm gave me CPR until paramedics arrived and took me to the hospital. "Bud, you watch Star Trek, don???t you?" "Yes, ma???am! Why?" "Ever hear of tachyons?" "Yes, of course. They are tiny theoretical particles with an imaginary mass that travel baclkwards in time." Just as he speaks, Tiner pops into my office. "TheAdmiral needs to see you in his office asap." "Thanks, Tiner. Bud, can we finish this discussion in a few minutes?" "Sure," he replies, and leaves my office as I follow him out. I report to the Admiral???s office and he allows me to take a seat. "You are probably wondering why I asked you into my office, Major." "Yes, sir, " I reply, unsure of what he wants. Just as I reply, there is a knock at the door. "Enter," says the Admiral. I am in n total shock as I watch Harmon Rabb walk in the Admiral???s office wearing a Navy Lt. Commander???s uniform and gold wings and looking very scared. "This is what I wanted to talk to you about, Major. You???re friend Mr. Rabb, here, has decided, with a little persuasion from me, to reinstate his commission in the Navy, and begin working here at JAG, effective immediately. " Big Bang Theory Part 2 JAG HQ Monday morning " While you recuperating in the hospital, Major, I got to know your friend Harm quite well. I learned all about his flying career as well as his brief stint at JAG. I convinced him to give JAG another try. We thought you should know first, since you are such good friends and all." I am still in total disbelief. I, too, had tried convincing Harm to try being a lawyer again, but I meant as a civilian. I never expected him to rejoin the Navy. Why didn???t he tell me? What would this do to our relationship? He knows there are fraternization regulations! Maybe he doesn???t really want me, I think. Maybe he just wants to be friends. I should have known this was too good to be true. I should have known. Somehow I make it through the rest of this meeting with the Admiral. We exit the office, and the Admiral shows Harm to his new, teensy little office. "Sorry, Harm. He outranks you," the Admiral says, nodding towards Bud. "Otherwise, I???d give you his office instead. Go ahead and get settled and then have the Major show you around the place and introduce you. We???ll go over new case assignments in an hour. " He leaves us alone, and I follow Harm into his little office/closet. I shut the office/closet door, close the blinds, and tear into his ass. "Harm, what the hell are you doing here? Do you know you just single handedly screwed up the one relationship I have ever truly needed in my life? We have to stop seeing each other now, thanks to you! What the hell were you thinking?" He responds with equal passion. "What the hell do YOU mean, what am I doing? Trying to get my life back on track. Me going back to being a lawyer was YOUR idea." "Well, not HERE you doofus! If we continue our relationship, we are going to be brought up on fraternization charges!" "The admiral wouldn???t do that. Anyway, no one has to know for a while, and when they do, we???ll work something out. Look, Sarah, the Admiral made me realize that this was important to me. I need to be in the Navy. But I need you, too. Lets just give this a try, If it gets too difficult, I???ll request a transfer to a local position, ok? Please? Look, I???m really sorry I didn???t talk to you first. I wanted it to be a surprise. " "Well, you surprised me alright. And you???ve convinced me. We???ll give it a try. The only thing is, Harriet already knows, Bud probably does, and I have a feeling the Admiral does, too." "Well, they won???t say anything, will they?" "Let???s hope not. Come on, Harm. I???ll show you where everything is, and take you to meet everyone." He grabs my hand, kisses it, and pulls me into his arms, kissing m.y lips, first slowly, mind-numblingly tortously teasing me into oblivion, then a harder kiss until I am sure my legs have stopped functioning. Finally, he lets me go, wipes my lipstick off of our faces, kisses my hand once more before we exit his office, trying desparately to look like two friends who also happen to be coworkers. As we walk into the bullpen, I see Lt. Singer eyeing me as she organizes some folders. Harriet sees her watching me and Singer says soimething to Harriet that I can???t hear. Harriet shakes her head in a negative response, and as I see this interchange, I make a mental not to warn Harm about Singer. We continue walking and I proceed to introduce him to everyone at JAG. Big Bang Theory Part 3 JAG HQ Later that morning We are in the ocnference room and the Admiral is reassiging some cases. "Bud, you and Major Mackenzie will be investigating the Williams case. Commander Barr, you will continue with your investigation of Lt. Silverson. Harm, I???m giving you the case Mac has been working on, involving Enisgn Lee and Lt. Grant. Singer, I want those briefs completed and filed no later than COB Friday. Understood?" "Sir?" Singer begins. "Yes, Lt.?" The Admiral sounds irritated. "Are there any cases you want me to work on? I could assist Commander Barr with the Silverson interviews." "No thank you, Lt. Anymore questions? That will be all." As we leave the conference room, I hear Singer mutter under her breath. "I should be handling some of these cases. Now that Rabb is here, I won???t be doing anything but paperwork." Disrespectful as that was, and as much as I truly hate her, I decide to ignore this for now. Chances are she would just smile and weasel her way out of it anyway. "Hay, Harm, wait up. Got time to go to lunch today? I can go over the specs on the Grant vs. Lee case, if you want." "Sounds great. Where can we eat around here? " "Ever been to Beltway Burgers?" "No." "You???re in for a treat then. Let???s go." We arrive at Beltway Burgers in record time and before we know it, we are eating enthusiastically??? I am eating a delicious cheeseburger and Harm is eating a salad, "I can???t believe you eat that stuff," he says. "I can???t believe you DON???T ," I say teasingly. "Let me tell you about this Grant v.s Lee case. I start in on the background, and when I get to tachyons, he stops me. "Whoa, what the heck are tachyons?" "They are tiny theoretical particles with an imaginary mass that travel baclkwards in time, of course." He looks at me in disbelief. "I know, Harm. Its sounds like a crock. That???s why I am glad you are on this case now and not me." "Funny, Marine. Funny." He leans in to kiss me, but before he can, I see a very conspicuous Singer a few tables down, eating lunch by herself and watching us. He sees that something has caught my attention and does not complete his kissing attempt and instead looks over where I am staring. "I guess this is going to be harder than I thought," he says. "Not letting anybody find out, I mean." "Well, she???s not just anybody," I say. "She probably followed us here." "She wouldn???t do that? Why would she?" "You just don???t know her," I respond. "She is a total snake. There???s no telling what she won???t do." Big Bang Theory Part 4 JAG HQ Two weeks later Harm is in direct questioning with Lt, Grant on the witness stand. I came to watch him argue his first case since returning to JAG. He is doing pretty good. "So, what you are saying, Lt. Grant, is that by the time Ensign Lee returned the jar of tachyons, the jar was actually empty?" "Yes, sir." "And what was Grant???s explanation for this?" "He said it was beyond his control , sir. He said by the time he received the jar, the tachyons no longer existed." "And thisis due to the inherent nature of time travelling particles? In other words, by the time Lee was given the jar, the tachyons had reached the point in their past, which was your future, in which they had not yet been placed in the jar?" "Yes, sir. That could be he case." "So you???re argument that you were justified in fighting with Ensign Lee is actually unfounded, is that true?" "I suppose you could say that, sir." "Thank you, Lt. The prosecution rests." I am totally confused, but Harm seems confident that the jury is not. The defense presents a brief argument and the jury goes out for deliberation. Harm tried to cut a deal with the defense, but Grant obtained civilian counsel, a Trekkie person who even went so far as to get plastic surgery on his ears to make them pointy. Needless to say, the defense wasn???t dealing. So, here we sit in court, arguing over imaginary particles. We decide to exit the courtroom to stretch our legs. "You were great, Harm. Maybe you can start working on breaking Commander Barr???s winning streak. He???s won all kinds of unwinnable cases. And on the rare occasion he loses a case, he actually wins it, because he has uncovered the "truth" or in some other way saved the day. It???s actually gotten kind of ridiculous lately. Maybe you can bring him down a notch or two. I mean, he???s a nice guy, kind of good looking even, but a bit arrogant, really. And terribly afraid to commit. I mean his last couple of girlfriends were real bimbos. " "Don???t go setting my sights too high, Sarah," he responds. "I???m just trying to encourage you, Harm." "I know." He steers me in towards the bullpen, when we stop. We hear t some voices, one clearly belongs to Singer, the others I can???t yet identify. No one can see us, so we decide to stop and listen. "Ok, I???ve got bets down for everyone except Bud and Harriet. Bud, do you want to out anything down on Rabb and Mackenzie?" "What for?" asks Bud. "I???m calling it my Big Bang Theory." "What do Lt. Rabb and Major Mackenzie have to do with the creation of the universe?" Bud asks. "Nothing, Bud. We have a betting pool going on whether Rabb and Mackenzie have ever done it." "Done what?" "Done IT, you doofus. You know, done the deed. The horizontal bop." "Ohhh??¦done IT! I don???t really think this is appropriate, Lt." "Oh, who cares what you think, Bud? You don???t have to play if you don???t want to." "Good, cause I???m not," Bud replies as he walks around the corner into the hallway, where Harm and I are standing. He sees us and opens his mouth to speak I cut him off. "Shhh" I whisper. He nods his understanding as he walks away. We hear Singer collect a few more bets and then Harm starts talking loudly so she will think we just came upstairs. We continue our small talk as we walk into my office and shut the door. "Now what the hell are we going to do"" Harm asks. "Don???t worry, Harm," I respond. "I have a great idea." Big Bang Theory Part 5 JAG HQ A few days later Its early morning and I have just arrived at JAG. Harm and I are ready for our little game with Singer today. Eager to begin the proceedings, I look around for Singer. Ahh, there she is. She is leaving the Admiral???s office. For a second, I wonder if the Admiral is in on the betting, then push that thought to the side. No, way, I think. She couldn???t have THAT much nerve. She was probably just begging for a murder case or something. I walk up to Singer with a twenty in my hand. "I hear you???ve got a betting pool going." "A betting pool, Ma???am?" "Yes. A betting pool." "Uhhh, yes??¦" She thinks she is so busted. "I want to put downa twenty." "You do??" "Yes. I do." "But you can???t!" "Why not?" Just then, right on schedule, Harm shows up. "What???s going on ladies?" "Lt. Singer is running a betting pool, totally voluntary of course. But I decided I wanted to put down a wager. " "What are we betting on Lt?" Harm asks. Then Bud walks up, also according to plan. I see Singer shoot Bud a pleading look. Because we told Bud what to do, he is prepared for this. Bud tells me that I have a phone call and tells Harm that Tiner is looking for him. We hear Singer thank Bud for saving her tail. We also hear Bud say, "You owe me one." I glance over at Harm and he looks at me, silently ackowldeging our success so far. Operation Singer Missile ??? Phase One complete. After I pretnded to complete a phone call, Harm walks into my office and shuts the door. "Did she buy it?" I ask. "Yeah I think so. She is totally wondering if you know." "Exactly. Are you ready for Phase Two?" "Yep. I???ve got the pictures." "Excellent." We have one picture of Harm and I kissing and several pictures of Singer. We had requested Webb???s help and he produced some incriminating photos of Singer with a woman I have long suspected her of dating. Of course, no one???s asking or telling, but I???m pretty sure I know whats going on. And when Webb produced the pictures, I knew for sure. Singer is flamingly gay. I send Harm out to complete phase 2. He has 4 pictures, which he is to place in strategically situated locations throughout the bullpen and snack area. He chooses Singer???s desk, the lady???s room, the middle of the bullpen floor, and my personal favorite, stuck on the refigerator door with a magnet. We retreat ro my office, pull out some files so we can pretend to work and wait for the fun to start. The picture on Singer???s desk is the one of Harm and me kissing. She finds the picture and I can see a large smile come across her lips. She apparently bet in favor of Harm and I "doing the deed". She jumps up to show her evidence and presumably, collect the bets, when she looks down and sees another picture on the floor. When she picks it up, she sees what it is. Its obvious that she is instantly nervous. If someone has these pictures and is leaving hem around, they are probably more pictures around here! She needs to find them before someone else does! She proceeds around the bullpen, looking for pictures. Then she heads towards the bathroom. I follow her on the pretense of needing to relieve myself. I get in right after Singer finds the picturea nd stuffs it in her pocket. We exit the bathroom. Singer is so nervous, its hilarious. I start walking towards the snack area and Singer runs ahead of me. She???s just realized she hasn???t chedked there, yet, I think. I let her go ahead of me and I arrive in the snack room as she is stuffing the picture in her pocket. "Everything ok, Lt?" I ask nonchalantly. "Uhh, yes, Ma???am. Everything is fine," she responds, panting from all the running around. "Lt. there???s something you should know." "Yes. Ma???am?" she asks. She almost seems scared to hear whatever it is I am about to say. "I am sure you???re not surprised to hear that I don???t like you. As a fellow officer or as a person. You are a disrepectful, ladder climbing, ass kissing sycophant, not to mention a shitty lawyer. But I have never disrepected you, either to your face or behind you???re back. But I am letting you know one thing, and I am letting you know right now. If you EVER do something so stupid as to speculate on the private lives of a superior officer again, you will be brought up on charges. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?" I am right up in her face. Its times like these that make me wish I could re-exoerience boot camp??¦from the other side. Just give me twenty Singers and I???d be good to go. "Ma???am?" "I???m not finished. You???re lucky I don???t bring you up on charges right now. You???re going to go talk to Rabb right now and apologixe. And if you do it right, he won???t let anymoe pictures get away from his slippery hands." "You mean he??¦." "Did nothing." I say menacingly. "Right, ma???am." She responds as she follows me to my office, where Harm is waiting for us so Singer can grovel for a while. "And when you???re done with Harm and I, you can retract your betting pool and apologize to the entire office for starting something so disrespectful and inappropriate. "Yes, Ma???am." ??¦??¦??¦.. Harm???s Apartment Later that night "Can you believe it?" Harm asks. "No, I still can???t. Let???s play the tape again." "OK, here goes." "Oh I still can???t believe it. She really freaked out for a while. I???m glad we had Webb set up all the cameras so we could relive this again." "Yeah, instead of just telling our grandkids, we can show them the video!" "Grandkids, Harm?" "Well, you know, theoretical grandkids??¦or real ones??¦but I think we???d have to get married and have kids first." "Are you serious?" "Very. Will you marry me?" "What about the kids?" "Marry me?" "Of course, Harm." "And the kids?" "Yeah we could have some kids??¦your brains??¦my looks??¦" "OR your brains and MY looks??¦" "How about MY brains and MY looks??¦" "OR MY brains and MY looks.." We are laughing uncontrollably and I swat him wth something as he presses me back onto the couch, kissing me, making me feel like only Harmon Rabb, Jr can.