TITLE: "After the Mistletoe XI—Be Not a Stranger” AUTHORS: Anne R. and Pat Steiner SUMMARY: The kiss of Answered Prayers leads to more. Rated PG for mild language. Some chapters will contain mild violence as well. The eleventh of the After the Mistletoe series in which Harm and Mac deal with the ramifications of the mistletoe kiss. Note that the arrival of Sergei is not a factor in this series. DISCLAIMER: JAG belongs to CBS, Paramount et al. No copyright infringement is intended with this work of fiction. FEEDBACK: Never expected but always appreciated by both of us-- to [SSbpmn@aol.com]. To those who don’t find our work to their liking, we can respect that. In that regard we ask you to respect our desire not to have that shared with us. NOTE: All parts of this chapter plus previous chapters will be available at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AnniePatJAGstories No subbing is required to read from the message archives for registered Yahoo users. Other archives containing our work: http://thearchive.mine.nu:85/exlibris/ or http://www.netroenterprises.com/exlibrisjag or the Harm-Mac shipper archive at http://hmarchive.topcities.com/index2.html [sadly, not always up and running] or BTL- http://www.wtv-zone.com/trgarchive/btl/ Previously in ATM: With Rudy and Julie Mauer dead from a drug dealer's attack, as eyewitnesses to the murders, Harm and Mac must deal with the fact that the killer will stop at nothing to eliminate them as well. From the close of After the Mistletoe X— It was dark when they both finally woke, Mac's grumbling stomach reminding her they hadn't eaten all day. "I guess I should find us some food" she sighed. "You got anything good here?" "Just order something," he said softly. "You're in no shape to cook and neither am I. The pizza place down the street is pretty good. Or we could do Chinese. Whichever you want." "Pizza" she said after a moment's thought. "And I still need to call the Admiral." He nodded and pushed himself to a sitting position, grimacing as he did so. "Where do you think you're going?" she asked. "The little boys' room" he said with a small smile. "If you wouldn't mind helping me up?" "Yes but then it's right back in this bed mister. You heard what Sam said. Off your feet for today." "Yeah whatever" he groaned as she helped him to his feet. She followed him to the bathroom to make sure he was okay before turning to go to the kitchen to call for the pizza. She'd just hung up the phone when she heard his footsteps coming and turned to him with a long look. "Wrong direction sailor. Your duty station is the bedroom remember?" Before he could reply the first of what seemed like a million gunshots shattered the window, glass flying everywhere. Their simultaneous screams of each other's names could barely be heard over the gunfire as they both dove to the floor. **************************** “After the Mistletoe XI—Be Not a Stranger" The sound was deafening. Automatic weapons firing, glass shattering, wood splintering, and through it all, the screams of each other's names. After what seemed like hours but was in fact barely sixty seconds, the sound died away, to be replaced by the a different scream, that of sirens. The police had been nearby and apparently their arrival on the block was more than enough to chase off the marauders. "Mac stay down don't move just in case," he hissed, rolling to his back in search of a position that would stop the pain from shooting through his back. "Harm are you OK?" Her voice seemed small and far away. "Yeah just need to get my breath. It was Rojas Mac, you know that. He's found us." "I know. We're not safe here." "We're not going to be safe anywhere," he grunted, pushing himself to a sitting position as he heard pounding feet in the hallway and he was not surprised when the first police officer burst through the door, his weapon and flashlight drawn. "Officer it's OK," Harm called at once. "Harmon Rabb, Commander US Navy JAG Corps, and that's my partner Lieutenant Colonel Sarah Mackenzie. It was a drive by shooting. I know who was responsible." The officer lowered his weapon when he saw Harm's hands raised, shining his flashlight around the room. "Doug, Chuck, get in here," he yelled back into the hallway. "And call for paramedics. We've got a gunshot victim." "Mac? Mac are you hurt?" The bolt of fear that passed through Harm chilled him through and through. "Mac answer me." At the same time he pushed himself to a crawling position, trying to see across the floor to her. "Harm I'm OK. I think it was glass hitting my arm is all." "That may have caused it but you're bleeding ma'am." "Maaaa-aaaac." Harm's strangulated cry echoed through the apartment and he crawled to her. "Harm calm yourself. I'll be all right. It's just a scratch," she said softly, her voice beginning to fill with pain as the initial shock wore off. "This is a helluva lot more than a scratch," he hollered when he saw the blood and he looked up at the police. "You've got an ambulance coming you said?" "Yes sir, and we'll want to get statements and find out what the hell is going on here. This is not a crime-free neighborhood but we don't get drive bys with automatic weapons--not when the target doesn't appear to be gang related especially." "Let's just get her taken care of and then I'll tell you whatever you need to know" he murmured, lifting her all but onto his lap as he cradled her against him, her head nestled in the crook of his neck while the police officer attempted rudimentary first aid on her arm. =========== SOUTHEAST COMMUNITY HOSPITAL Harm had refused to relinquish her. Refused to let go of her. Her hand remained locked between his the entire time they cleaned, stitched and bandaged the cut. It could have been so much worse. The bullet that caused the glass to fly might have hit her--might have taken her life. "How's your back doing?" she whispered when they were finally through and she was resting her forehead against his chest where he stood facing her. "It's not that bad." He rubbed her back gently, unable to take his eyes from the bandage encasing her upper arm. "Commander, Colonel we just got your message." DEA Agent Nicholas Myers and his partner Susan Riley hurried into the room. "I'm so sorry. You both look like it's been a helluva night. Colonel how bad is it?" "Just a scratch." "And Lake Michigan is just a puddle," Harm yelped. "It was deep and they took a lot of stitches thank you. Not to mention if it had hit the artery full on she likely would have bled to death in my arms." "My partner is not his usual calm collected self," Mac smiled slightly. "I'm fine really. At least I would be if I could get out of here and into a bed somewhere. Obviously we can't go back to Harm's place and I'd bed my next paycheck they've got mine being watched." "You know it," Susan nodded. "So here's how it's going to play. We've got a room that's for our use in a motel in a part of town even these guys wouldn't go to. Nick and I will stay with you tonight. Then tomorrow we're getting you out of here--out of the city." Harm and Mac looked at each other and she was about to speak when he put a gentle finger to her lips. "My partner wants to say thank you we'd love take you up on your offers--both of them." "Good" Nick nodded. "This is for the best. Rojas isn't going to stop until both of you are dead." She nodded, knowing the DEA agent's words were true. She'd already seen him murder someone she cared about. She didn't want to see the man she loved killed as well. "Are we ready then?" Susan asked as she looked at Harm. "Is she released to go?" After getting final instructions from the nurse they were allowed to leave, Harm gently helping Mac to her feet. Her legs barely held her and he quickly wrapped his arm around her waist, ignoring the twinges of pain as he did so. "Harm your back" she sighed. "My back will be fine until we get you to the car" he assured her. "So stop fretting about me. I'm not the one who needed stitches to close up the gash on their arm." "It wasn't that bad" she said with a weak smile. "It was bad enough for me. When the police first came in, I thought you'd been shot. I think I died a thousand deaths until I found out it was just a cut from the glass." "Well you're both going to be safe now" Nick assured them as he and Susan followed closely behind them. "Tonight won't be the Ritz but at least we can protect you. Tomorrow we'll be out of here and then our guys can start hunting for Rojas." "Harm the Admiral" Mac gasped, suddenly remembering she'd never made the call to their CO to tell him about the murders the night before. "I never called him." "We'll take care of that" Susan replied. "The less people that know where you are the better. We'll probably just have him tell your co-workers you're out of town on a special assignment. No one will question that given your line of work so that will work well." "Thank you" Harm said with a small smile. "I'm sure he's not going to be happy that we didn't tell him what happened ourselves." "We'll handle him" Nick assured him. "Right now our main concern is getting you two somewhere safe for the night." As he'd promised, the place was anything but the Ritz and both Harm and Mac raised an eyebrow when they pulled into the run down hotel's parking lot. "Like I said, even Rojas wouldn't come here" Nick smiled. "Is this really safe?" Harm asked as he looked around, his arm tightening around Mac as he did so. "Safer than anywhere else" Nick replied. "Honestly, it will be okay. These guys are harmless compared to Rojas." "Sure whatever you say" Harm sighed as he helped Mac from the car. He kept close to her as they walked to the rooms. "You two will be in here," Susan said as she let them into the hotel room. "We'll be in the room next door. One of us will be awake at all times so you two can relax and try and get some rest." "Easier said than done" Mac sighed. "Nice place you got here." "Sorry but it's the nicest we've got for an overnight stay" Susan smiled. "I promise the next place will be nicer. Seriously, try and get some rest. Nick and I have everything control." "Thanks" Harm nodded. "Not that either of is likely to sleep but we'll try." "Good. As soon as we get word the place is ready we'll be on our way. If you need anything, just let us know. We'll be right next door." She finally left them alone and with a long sigh they both dropped to the bed. It sagged at once and Mac gave Harm a sympathetic look as she reached her good arm out to rub his back. "This is the last thing your back needs," she said softly. "How you doing?" "Now that I know you're okay, I'll be okay" he whispered. "God Mac, I thought for a minute I'd lost you. You were at the other end of the room and the shots kept coming and I was so afraid you were going to be hit." "It's over flyboy," she said as she opened her arms to him, gathering him against her. "Both of us are okay." For several seconds he stayed in her arms, needing the comfort they provided. He could have lost her. If any of the hundreds of rounds had hit her, he would have lost her. "Harm" she said softly as she felt the shudder pass through him. She gently raised his head so she could look at him. "Are you okay? "I love you so much" he whispered. "I don't ever want to lose you Sarah. I don't know what I'd do if I lost you. Do you realize how close it was tonight?" "I know" she gulped, remembering the deafening sound of gunfire. How they both could have easily been killed. How they might never have gotten the chance to make things right. "I could be making your funeral arrangements right now," he gasped and shuddered again, sobbing slightly. "Sshhh OK, that didn't happen," she soothed. "I'm right here. We're holding each other the way it should be." "Sarah it's not over. Rojas is going to keep after us. It's not going to end here." "No that's true," she agreed somberly, and tightened her hold of him. "This is my fault. If I hadn't gotten involved with Rudy, let him draw me into his. . ." Any further words were stifled by his hand clamping gently to her mouth. "Do not. Don't. We can second guess a lot of things and it gets us no where. Right now for tonight I'm going to hold you and thank god that you're OK and that we're together and that nothing worse happened." She nodded, her head moving against his chest, and Harm held her tightly. A moment later he tilted her face up to his and kissed her lips more gently then he had he ever had. "I need you Sarah," he whispered. "I need to love you. To hold you and feel you and. . .Sarah may I make love to you?" "I want you to," she breathed. "Please yes. For tonight let's forget all that's happened. For tonight there's just each other and this horrible bed OK?" His answer was another kiss, but this was no gentle touch. This was urgent and demanding and her body responded in kind, arching against him. He pressed as close as humanly possible to her, his own need obvious. Hard and fast and over quickly. Afterward, they lie panting together, kissing softly over and over. "Sarah no matter what happens, no matter what happened in the past or what we face in the future--you have to know that I love you. I love you every minute of every day, and I know we're hitting a bump in the road right now but I'm determined we're going to work through it. I just don't know how." "Harm for tonight, please, remember, there's just us. I can't deal with anything else but us. You and me and your arms around me and your body joined to mine. I can't deal with anything else please." He pulled her tightly into his embrace in reply, stroking her bare back and tucking his body over hers protectively. "Can we. . .again in a little while maybe?" "Yes please," she whispered, almost shyly. ============= "Nicky I cannot sleep if you're going to pace," Susan groaned, looking up from her pillow. "I have to pace or I'm going to fall asleep," he growled. "We could trade watches." "Yeah OK let's," she decided, rolling from the bed, not remembering she was dressed in only sleep boxers and a skimpy tee shirt. "I'm enjoying this assignment more and more," Nick grinned. ================= Twice more during the night Harm and Mac awoke and made love, clinging to each other as if it could be the last time. After their final encounter they both lie awake, simply enjoying being together, and awaiting what would happen next. "How's your back?" she spoke up suddenly. "Not any worse," he answered. "Not unbearable at least." "Well we were a little hard on it weren't we." "Yeah but it was worth it," he grinned, kissing her forehead. "I was hoping it was all a dream. Hoping that none of it happened." "Even what we did last night?" "Yeah if it meant that Rudy was still alive," she sighed. "He was a good man Harm. A good friend and he didn't deserve to die like that." "No he didn't," he agreed. "But he did, and what we did during the night was real and beautiful and I'm not going to let anyone or anything cheapen that. Not even you." "Making love doesn't make it all better," she objected. "No, but it makes it bearable. It means we're in tune and in touch. We needed each other. And there's no shame in that." She was about to speak when there came a knock at the connecting door. "Harm, Mac it's Nick. I've got coffee and donuts. And our ride is going to be here in about thirty." "Coming," Harm called and with a last kiss to her forehead crawled from the bed, his hands going to his back as his legs bore his weight. "Harm?" Her concern was immediate. "It's fine," he said sharply. "Just fine." "No it's not," she said as she scrambled to help him. "It's never going to be fine" he sighed. "I'm just going to have to get used to it." "Well we have to do something while we're in hiding or you're going to be miserable." "I can live with it. Once this is all settled then I'll go back to my therapy." "I hate seeing you like this" she whispered as she wrapped her arm around him. "I wish there was something I could do to help." "It's okay," he said with a weak smile. "Honest. As long as the place has a tub that I can soak in, I'll survive." "I hope the ride isn't too far" Mac sighed. "Otherwise you're going to be one sorry sailor when we get there." Thirty minutes later they were on their way south, Nick and Susan surrounding them in the back of the large SUV. "So where are we going?" Harm asked as they left the city behind them. "One of the smaller islands on the Outer Banks" Susan replied. "We have a cottage there that we use for these types of things. It's very secluded and easy to protect. You'll be alone at the cottage but constantly under watch." "Good" Harm nodded. "And you don't think Rojas will be able to find us here?" "No. We'll find him way before that happens" Nick assured him. "You two just need to lay low for awhile while we do." "We're going to need to stop and let Harm stretch every couple hours" Mac spoke up. "This long of a ride is going to kill his back." "We can do that" Susan replied. "Just at least let us get away from DC first. Then we'll be happy to do that." "What happened to your back Commander?" Nick asked. "Bad punch out of a tomcat over Iraq a few months ago" Harm said with a small smile. "I got banged up pretty good." "I thought you were an attorney with JAG?" Nick questioned. "I was on a TAD aboard the Patrick Henry and the Captain needed another pilot. Which is what I did before I joined JAG." "Fighter pilot and lawyer" Susan smiled. "Interesting." "I think that will be just lawyer from now on" Harm sighed. "After this last one, I don't think I'll make it up again." "So how long have you two been working together then?" Nick asked. "Six years" Mac spoke up. "Wow. Speaking for experience, I guess you two have quite a bond" Susan smiled, her glance going to Nick. "Yeah we do" Harm nodded as he took Mac's hand in his. "It hasn't been an easy road though. And a lot has happened recently and we're just trying to get our heads on straight and now this." "This will be over soon" Nick promised. "We're going to nail Rojas this time. Everyone wants to bring him down for what he did to Julie and Rudy." At the mention of Rudy's name Harm felt Mac tense next to him and he drew her closer to him. "It's okay honey" he whispered as she dropped her head against his shoulder. "It's all going to be behind us soon." They made several stops during the day, Mac watching the pain on Harm's face increase each time. Eight hours in a car was the last thing he needed and by the time they reached the tiny cottage she knew he was in agony. "Easy sailor" she said gently as she reached to help him out of the SUV. He took one step and his knees buckled, Nick quickly climbing out to help Mac. "Thanks" Harm managed between gritted teeth. "I'll be okay in a minute." "Like hell" Mac scoffed. "You guys are going to have to get him some muscle relaxants. And this cottage better have a tub." "It does" Susan assured her as she followed them inside. "And just give us the name of the doctor who prescribed the muscle relaxants and we'll get some for you." "Just call Sam my therapist" Harm sighed. He rattled the number and Susan quickly dialed while Mac and Nick led Harm inside the cottage. "Where to?" Nick asked. "Straight to the tub" Mac decided and together they managed to get Harm to the bathroom. "I'll take it from here" Mac said to Nick. "All right. Susan and I will be hanging out here with you guys for tonight. Tomorrow we'll head back to DC." "Nick this place does have. . .I mean we are armed here right? Just in case." "We think of everything," he grinned. "There's two Glocks on top of the fridge with ammo to hold off Sitting Bull and a shotgun in the back of the storage cabinet." Mac nodded and Nick closed the door. "OK Flyboy let's have you. Down in the tub." As she was speaking she tugged down his boxers. "Sarah much as I'd love to, I can't," he murmured in a vain attempt to tease. "You're damn right you can't," she yelped, "but I'm glad the desire is there anyway." She kissed him as she lowered him down, trying to hold as much of his weight as she could before he hit the hard tub surface. "I'm good now thanks." He let out the breath he was holding as the warm water came up over his chest and covered his back. She took his hand and started to sit on the commode seat when he have her hand a hard squeeze. "Mac could I just kind of sit here alone, preferably in the dark or maybe just with the candle. Would it be OK with you?" "Anything you want Sailor," she frowned. "Did I do something?" "No not at all," he assured her. "I just really need a little alone time. Please." "I understand." She rose and he kept hold of her hand, pulling her down so that he could kiss her. "I love you Sarah." "I know. I know because I love you back," she smiled and with a long sigh left him alone. When she walked to the porch she found Nick perched on the rail and Susan walking to the end of the driveway to take a look around the property, under Nick's watchful eye. "Watch it Mr. DEA Agent," Mac called softly. "Someone watching you two might get the idea that you care about each other." "I guess we're pretty transparent," he said sheepishly. "We were in denial ourselves for a long time, but here lately especially we seem to be drifting out of that into at least being honest with each other." "It took Harm and I six years," she sighed. "If it's there, don't let it get away from you." "We're going to do our damnedest not to," he vowed. "Sometimes it's hard. I get scared for her. Couple months ago we were in Denver and a meth lab exploded. She was trapped inside and I was sure I'd lost her. By the time they brought her out to me I was insane with fear." "She was OK obviously." "Now. She wasn't breathing when they put her down on the grass at my feet. I was supposed to say goodbye I guess. Instead I started screaming and doing CPR and somehow. . .somehow God sent her back to me." Mac gave his shoulder a squeeze of commiseration and went inside to check on Harm. When she came from the bathroom having found him all but asleep, she saw Nick moving on the rail, making a place for Susan to lean against him. "Look after them Lord," she whispered. "They're us." ************** "Okay you two are on your own so to speak" Nick said the next morning. "We'll have people watching but from a distance." "How long do you think it will take to apprehend Rojas?" Harm asked. "Best case or worse case?" Nick smiled. "Best case a week. Worst case a month or longer." "A month" Mac gasped. "What about JAG? We can't leave them for a month." "The Admiral knows the situation and arrangements are being made. I wish I could tell you we'll nail him as soon as we get back but that's not likely to happen." "So we might be here for a while" Mac smiled. "I guess I could think of worse things." "I'm sure" Susan smiled as well. "You have our numbers if you need us for anything." "Thanks for everything" Harm said as they followed them to the door. "You'll be in touch right?" "As much as we can without risking Rojas finding out where you are" Nick nodded. "So what do you want to do sailor?" Mac asked once they were alone. "We've got endless time and nothing to do." "How about a walk along the beach?" he suggested. "I think that's safe enough." A short time later they walked hand in hand along the water's edge, Mac occasionally dipping her toes in the ocean. "You've been awful quiet," Mac said as they walked. "Everything okay? Is your back hurting again?" "Sorry just a few things on my mind" he said with a forced smile. Truth be told, the guilt of his encounter with Sam was slowly eating away at him. He wanted to tell Mac, but he was too afraid of ruining the fragile understanding they'd finally reached with each other. "Anything you want to share?" she prodded. "It's all a little jumbled right now" he sighed. "Does this have to do with the possibility of us being stuck here together for a while?" she asked quietly. "NO" he said quickly. "I'm glad we're having this chance to be alone. Maybe we can finally work everything out." "Is that what you want?" "I do" he whispered. "I want that more than anything in this world Sarah. You know that." "Then don't look so glum," she said softly. "We've got some time alone to work everything out. No distractions from JAG or anyone. Just you and me alone at the beach." "Sounds wonderful doesn't it?" he said with a small smile. "You're right. We should make the most of this time together." He hugged her closer and they walked a little longer before finally resting in the sand. "I wish sometimes we could go back in time," he said softly as she leaned back against him. "Start all over again with you and me." "From the very beginning?" she smiled as she turned to look at him. "Not that far. I was thinking more like New Years Eve." "Do you regret it?" she whispered. "I regret that I hurt you. That we bypassed the fun of getting to know each other better before we got so serious." "We can still do that. We can consider this our new beginning and start over again." "You really think we can do that?" he whispered. "After all that's happened?" "Harm we'll never forget what happened" she said quietly. "I know that for as long as I live I'll never forget the pain of losing my baby. But you and I can start over. Isn't that what we're doing now?" "Yeah I guess" he sighed. "Mac how close were you and Rudy?" "What kind of question is that?" she asked as she turned around fully to face him. "We were friends. That was it. Why?" "You never entertained any ideas of anything else with him?" "No" she said quickly. "Harm why are you asking me this? Rudy was a friend. That was it. There's no way I would ever get involved with anyone when you and I were still working things out." Harm's breath caught and he made a short choking sound as his throat closed over with guilt. His mind at once put up as a streaming video the whole exchange with Samantha--how badly he had wanted her, how he tried to. . . "Harm my god what's wrong?" Mac's words finally got through to him. She was shaking his shoulder with one hand and cupping his cheek with the other. "Harm please you're scaring me. Can you not breathe or what?" "Mac no I'm fine," he managed, recovering enough to get that out. "You don't look fine to me," she gasped. "You look like you're having a seizure quite frankly. Now what in god's name is wrong with you?" "I just had a real bad flashback that's all. For a second I couldn't get my breath. I am OK, promise." "You want to tell me about it?" she asked gently. "Harm there's nothing you can't talk to me about." "Yes. . .no." "Well thank you for clearing that up. So talk or no?" "No. Please. Can I just hold you?" He dropped to the sand and brought her down with him, not waiting for her answer. "I'm not ever going to say no to this," she smiled, letting him fold her into his embrace, leaning back against his broad chest. "And whatever's bothering you, we can talk." "OK when I get a better handle on it," he stalled. "You want to talk about you and Rudy?" She shrugged helplessly. "I know I will want to some more. You know Harm I meet a lot of people but most don't make much impression on my life. You being the most outstanding exception. I mean from the first time we laid eyes on each other. You had me from hello." "And you had me," he whispered. I was just too stupid to act on it." He kissed the top of her head and added, "go on." "OK, there was you and Clay Webb, John Farrow, the Admiral--people who didn't have to grow on me in other words. And after you was Rudy. I liked him at once." "Liked is all--liked as in a friend?" And he held his breath awaiting the answer. "Are you asking if I could have fallen in love with him?" "Yeah I guess I am." "No. Not only was he married, but Harm don't you understand that there's only room in my life for one man? I can have male friends out the wazoo but that doesn't have anything to do with us. I am in love with you. And I want that beginning we talked about." "What if there was no me? And what if he wasn't married?" Harm persisted. "You think then? Fallen in love I mean." He desperately was looking for a way to assuage his conscience, grasping at straws. "OK yeah. Another time, another place, another set of circumstances," she conceded. "But that's so unimportant. I want to concentrate on the future Harm. You and me and the baby I still want to have." Arms that were holding her began to tremble. "You still want. . .I mean you're willing to try again?" he stammered. "To have a baby. . .your baby. . .you better believe I do," she said firmly. "Harm that's a dream I've had for a very long time, and losing our baby this time was a tragedy beyond words, but it's not going to keep me from trying again. As long as that's what you want that is." "Oh yeah it is," he whispered, feeling hope creep into his being for the first time in a long time. "I want you and I want you to have our baby. And somewhere in that equation there needs to be you and me. Us, standing before our God and our friends and. . ." "Hey don't stop now Sailor you're on a roll," she giggled after a long pause, realizing where his words had led him. "I think you were trying to get out that you'd like to ask me to be your wife." "Is that what I'm doing?" "Hey I don't know Pilot, you're flying this bird," she giggled again, finding his awkwardness when it came to feelings endearing at times. "I think that's exactly what I'm doing," he said in one long breath. "But we're forgetting one really important thing. That there's people out there who want us dead. And right now my main goal in life is to prevent that from happening." "I had almost forgotten," she admitted with a sad sigh. "This was just so perfect. The sand, the ocean, your arms around me. I guess we do have business to take care of first." "Yeah." He gathered her more tightly to him and gave her a gentle shake. "But that doesn't mean I was any less sincere. I want this beginning to be leading to that. That and a baby, in whichever order God deems appropriate." "I like you when you're assertive," she smiled and tilted her head up to receive the kiss she sensed he wanted to give her. They were silent for a good while until he nuzzled gently at her neck. "I'm sorry about the baby. I don't know if I ever said that--at least not in those words." "I know" she whispered. "And I don't blame you. It's taken me a while but I know that it wasn't your fault. It was just something that happened. But it's over now and we're going to try and put everything back together again." "Yes we are" Harm nodded. "Mac I. . ." He started before stopping. "You what?" she asked as she turned to him. "Spit it out Sailor. There's obviously something you want to tell me." "Mac I love you and I don't ever want to lose you" he whispered. The words of his betrayal were still stuck and he couldn't tell her. He wanted to. But when he looked into her eyes and saw the hurt that was already there, he just couldn't bring himself to add to that hurt. "You won't Harm," she said softly. "I love you too and I want to make this work as much as you do. I can't imagine my life without you." He pulled her to him and hugged her tightly as he held back the tears. He didn't deserve this woman or her love. Not after what he'd done. She deserved better than that. "Harm what is up with you?" Mac asked as she gently pulled away to look at him. "You have been so odd the last few days." "Well almost losing you to some drug lord's bullet hasn't exactly done anything for my well being" he managed. "You didn't lose me. And I have all the faith in the world that Nick and Susan are going to get Rojas and this will all be over." "I hope so" he sighed. "You ready to head back?" she asked. "I'm a little cold out here." "Why didn't you say something sooner" he chided her as he wrapped his arm around her shoulder. "I was enjoying our time out here" she smiled. "It's not often that we can talk like we have been." "No it's not" he agreed. "Help me up and we'll head back." With a long groan and a grimace he made it to his feet and at once Mac reached her hand around to gently rub his back. "You need Sam's magic touch" she sighed. "No you're doing fine," he said quickly. "Harm I'm not Sam" Mac laughed. "I wish I knew how to make you feel good like she does." "You make me feel better" Harm whispered as he pulled her close to him again, his lips crashing down on hers. "I need you Sarah," he said breathlessly when they parted. "And I need you" Mac said softly. The trip back to the cottage was made in half the time as the trip out and as soon as they were inside he reached for her again, his hands loosening her shirt as he led her to the bedroom. When it was over she fell asleep in his arms as the afternoon sun shone through the tiny bedroom window. He felt the guilt well up in him as he looked down at her sleeping face, knowing that he was only hurting her more by what he was doing. "I'm so sorry Sarah" he whispered as he kissed her forehead before gently sliding from the bed. With a long sigh he headed out on the beach again. He had to tell her. He couldn't go on like this anymore. He loved her and he needed to be honest with her. She found him sitting in the sand a short time later and with a sigh dropped down beside him The sun that had shone so brightly earlier was starting to fade, darker clouds moving in from the west. "Is it okay if I join you?" she asked. "Yeah sure" he said quietly. "I didn't expect to wake up and find you gone." "I just needed some time alone. I've got a lot on my mind." "I wish you'd tell me what that is," she said as she gently caressed his arm. "Harm talk to me. There's something eating you up inside and I want to know what it is." "No you don't" he whispered. "Why don't I?" she asked. "Whatever it is it can't be that terrible. Just tell me Harm. Please." "It's my problem. I should be the one to deal with it. I've got this twisted notion that telling you is going to somehow make me feel all better and I hate that I'm feeling that way. Sarah I've done a lot of things in my life that I'm not proud of but this is one that I can't let go of." She nodded, making sure her eyes met his. "I think you need to tell me Harm. This is eating you up, and you're not going to feel any worse after than you do right now." He looked at her helplessly. "I want to. . .I just. . .well I need to get a grip myself. Hell I don't know." He rose from her, walking into the water. Walking and not stopping. She watched him for a long minute, keeping still until the water was to his waist. "Sailor you're not dressed for that," she called. "I was thinking about drowning myself," he shouted over his shoulder and for a second she questioned whether or not he could be remotely serious. "Harm knock it off, that's not even a teeny bit funny," she scolded, scrambling to her feet and hurrying after him. "Mac get out of here--it's freezing," he chided her at once, the cold water and realization of her wading out to him bringing him to his senses. "Not without you," she told him firmly, locking her hands around his arm and pulling him to her. "Let's get back to the cabin. We're now both cold and wet and there's a storm about to hit." He followed her gaze and sure enough back behind them lightning crackled across the sky as if God was helping her to make her point. "Out of the water," he screeched, the danger apparent and he gave her a small shove. "Go on, I'm right behind you." "No way. What if you fall with your back like that," she shouted, moving closer to him. "Come on now." Not wanting to slow them with further arguing, he allowed her to propel him to the water's edge. Another bolt of lightning hit nearby and he put his arm across her back, trying to tuck her beneath him. "Harm just run. I'm fine. You're the one with the back problem," she reminded him, matching her steps with his. A rumble of thunder that sounded like artillery fire drowned out anything he might have shouted in reply and locked together they pounded through the soft sand back to the cabin while the rain pelted down, throwing themselves through the door and slamming it behind them. "Are you OK?" she demanded at once, trying to rub at his back. "More wet and cold than in pain right now," he gasped, reaching for the gas stove to turn up the log with one hand while trying to help her out of her wet clothes with the other. She lent her own hands to the job, stripping both herself and him. By the time they were undressed the fire had begun to dry their skin, and he hastened the process by rubbing her arms and sides. "I'm dry already," she giggled, turning to face him and falling into his embrace in the same motion. He ducked his head to kiss her gently and then again, and the third kiss was anything but gentle. "Sarah. . oh god Sarah yes," he gasped, responding to her hands and her mouth. And a second later they were on the floor, the soft rug in front of the stove absorbing their love. Warmed by the stove and comforted by each other's arms they slept right where they were. An hour later she kissed him awake and his soft green eyes pierced hers. "I tried to seduce Samantha," he said softly. Just like that. No preparation, no preliminary words. Just 'I tried to seduce Samantha' to which he added a beat later, "I wanted to make love to her. We almost did. We would have if she hadn't stopped it. I wanted her. I wanted her to hold me and to make me feel better. I wanted her. She was so there, and you were so not there. And now I'm so sorry." For several seconds she didn't move, his words slowly seeping in. "Mac I'm so sorry" he whispered at her frozen look. "I don't know what else I can say." "There is nothing you can say" Mac said quietly. "You hate me. Oh god I knew you'd hate me. That's why I couldn't tell you. I didn't want to lose you." "Maybe you should have thought about that before you tried to seduce Sam." Her words were utterly with an eerie calmness, one that scared him more than if she'd lashed out at him. "It just happened. I couldn't help myself. I am so sorry Mac." "I doubt it just happened" Mac retorted. "So tell me, what made her stop?" "You called" he whispered. "And I know I shouldn't even say this and God knows you'll hate me even more, but if she hadn't stopped it I would have continued." "I see" Mac whispered, feeling the stab pain a little deeper in her heart. "So I guess I should thank Sam for having a conscience." "Mac I'm sorry." "You keep saying that Harm. Do you really think that's going to make me feel any better." "No. I know nothing that I say is going to fix what I did. It was wrong and I've hurt you more and I hate myself for what I've done to you. First the baby and now this. You deserve so much better than me." "Yes I do" she agreed quietly. "I thought that you would treat me better than you'd treated Jordan and Renee and Annie. But you didn't." "Mac that's not true. I love you. I didn't mean to hurt you." "But you did" she whispered as the tears started to fall. "You have hurt me more than anyone else. Mic never cheated on me. Dalton never cheated on me. But you wanted to sleep with another woman while we were together. My god Harm, how do you think that makes me feel?" "I don't know" he whispered. "All I know is I'm sorry." "You don't honestly think that's going to make this all go away do you? That by saying you're sorry everything is going to be okay?" "I want it to" he whispered. "Please Mac. I love you. I don't want to lose you." "You should have thought of that before you tried to sleep with Sam" Mac said quietly as she stood up. "Where are you going?" he demanded as she got dressed. "Out. And please don't follow me. I need some time alone." "Mac it's storming out there. I'm not letting you go out there alone." He tried to get up to follow her but his back wasn't cooperating. "Mac" he wailed as she started to the door. "Harm leave me alone" she shrieked before turning and running out of the cottage. He lay on the floor for the longest time, neither his body nor mind willing to move. He'd destroyed what was little they'd had. It was over. He'd lost her for good this time and there was no way he was going to get her back. He finally managed to crawl to his clothes and had just finished putting on his jeans when he heard a car pull up in front of the cottage. Seconds later the door opened and Susan and Nick burst in. "Harm thank god" Susan panted. "You're okay. Where's Mac?" "She left a while ago for a walk" Harm answered quietly. "Why?" "How long ago?" Nick demanded. "I don't know. We had a fight. Why? What's wrong?" "We found out how Rojas found Julie. There was a leak in the department. And we're pretty sure he knows that you and Mac are here." "Oh god she's out there somewhere alone" Harm gasped. "He could be here already. Oh god if he finds her he's going to kill her." As he spoke he forced himself to his feet, grabbing onto the sofa support when his knees buckled. "Harm take it easy" Susan soothed. "We'll find her before Rojas does. You wait here until we do." "NO" Harm shouted. "I'm going with you." "Harm you can barely walk" Nick said calmly. "You'll be more of a hindrance to us than help." "I don't care" Harm shouted, ignoring the little warning in his head that was telling him Nick might be right. "I'm going with you. If that son of a bitch is on this island, he's not going to get her without a fight." "Let him come" Susan said quietly. "Hopefully we'll find Mac before Rojas even gets here." She helped Harm into his shirt and a few minutes later the trio took off from the cottage in search of Mac. "What made her take off?" Susan asked as they reached the beach and looked up and down the expanse of sand. "I mean you guys have fought before I'm sure." "Hundreds of times," he growled, "but this wasn't the same. I've hurt her pretty bad." "In just the short time you've been here you managed to do that?" she sighed and shook her head. "No I did the actual deed a while back. I just now told her about it," he murmured miserably. "OK no wait. You did something hurtful, but that she didn't know about--and then you had to confess it to her? This is what you're saying?" "Yeah. I guess I felt like I couldn't keep it from her." That same miserable tone. "Were you men at a poker party when brains were distributed?" she exploded. "Harmon Rabb I don't know you very well at all but I am going to say this anyway. All you did was succeed in hurting her. You accomplished nothing, not even making yourself better. I'm not saying you should deceive her and lie to her, but this is something that was done and over. In the past--recent past but still in the past. And that's where it belonged." "Where were you a couple hours ago with this advice," Harm muttered. "Look I don't know if I can make it right at this point, but all I care about is that she's OK." He had barely gotten out that last word when his leg gave out and he went down on one knee. "Probably she's better off than you are," Nick groaned, helping him to his feet. "She could already be dead," Harm gasped, a sudden wave of despair washing over him and he choked on his last word. Before he could stop himself, he raised his voice in a long and desperate cry of "Sarah where are you?" "Well so much for not letting anyone know we're here." Nick shook his head and automatically checked his weapon, giving Susan a sidelong glance and sending up a silent prayer all at the same time. "Sorry," Harm whispered, his mental anguish and physical pain both acute. "OK look let's just find her," Susan urged. "I wonder if she would have gone into the woods or stayed along the beach, followed the water's edge. Harm?" "I should know her well enough to know, but I don't have any idea," he moaned. "Maybe we should fan out." "I don't think we should separate, no," Nick said firmly, his eye to Susan once again. "Let's follow the water some more and then we'll cut back toward the house through the woods." =========== From a great distance Mac heard her name. Sarah. Not Mac. Harm had called her Sarah and there was desperation in his voice. At that moment she wanted him too. Despite her hurt and anger, she needed him. She was exhausted and cold and wet. . .and hopelessly stuck. As she often did when something was on her mind, she had taken off running. The effort to move and breathe would take her thoughts away from the problem, and often when she finished it would seem smaller and less important. At first her long legs ate up the ground where the ocean lapped at the sand, and with exhaustion coming on she turned into the woods. Not being from around there she had no way to know that he rain would turn the boggy ground into swamp. A swamp filled with places that would grab and trap a human's legs. A few minutes of struggling to free herself had left her weak and panting, and despite her Marine training, the first vestiges of fear were setting in. Hot tears came to her eyes and she brushed at them, succeeding only in further streaking her face with dirt. Harm had hurt her--badly--and over and over her brain played his words 'I tried to seduce Sam'. "Harmon Rabb I hate you," she yelled out, knowing she did not mean it, but doing so helped with her frustration level. Another effort to free herself, and she realized not only was she stuck fast, she was gradually beginning to lose ground. She was in to her waist now. How much further would she go before the slime covered her mouth and nose and she could not. . . . In the desperate hope he was looking for her, she drew a deep breath and with all her remaining energy, screamed his name. "Mac" Harm screamed when he heard her call. She was far away but he knew it was her voice. And he could tell she was scared. "Mac where are you?" "Harm" Nick screeched. "If Rojas is here you're going to led him right to us." "I don't care. I have to find Mac. She's hurt or something." With that he turned and screamed her name again. "Harm" she screamed back. "Harm help." This time he heard the help part distinctly and immediately took off running in the direction in which it had come, Susan and Nick following quickly behind him. "Mac I'm coming" Harm yelled. "Honey keep calling so I can hear you." "Harm" she wailed as she slipped further into the muck. "Hurry please. I need you." Her words sent a chill down his spine and he pushed himself even harder, continually calling to her as he ran. Her voice was getting louder but more terrified sounding and he was almost afraid of what he was going to find when he did reach her. "Mac I'm almost there" he yelled. "Hang on honey." "Harm please be careful" she screamed. "I'm stuck in the mud. It's like quick sand over here." He froze at her words, Susan and Nick coming to an abrupt halt behind him. "What's wrong?" Susan demanded. "She's stuck in quicksand or something like that" Harm panted as he tried to catch his breath. "Okay easy. We'll find her and we'll get her out. We just have to take our time so we don't get stuck ourselves" Nick said calmly. "We don't have time" Harm snapped. "She's sinking." "Harm" Mac wailed again. "Harm where are you?" "I'm coming honey just hang on. How deep are you in?" "It's up to my chest" she wailed and immediately he took off running in the direction of her voice. "Susan stay here" Nick ordered. "I don't want you getting stuck in this." "Like hell. You're going to need every inch of arm you can get to get her out. Come on before Harm dives in after her and we have to get them both out." With a long sigh he and Susan took off after Harm, finding him lowering himself to the ground near the mud that Mac was slowly sinking in. He stretched himself out as much as he could desperately trying to reach her. "Mac grab my hand" he ordered. "Harm I can't" she wailed as she attempted to reach him. Her hand just barely missed his and he stretched his arm out further, ignoring the pain that shot through him as he did so. He could feel Nick at his feet but he wasn't concerned about himself. All that mattered was getting Mac out before she sunk any further. "Try again" he ordered through gritted teeth. "Come on honey. You can reach." With her last ounce of strength she reached her hand just enough that Harm was able to grab hold of it. "I got her" Harm gasped. "Pull us back." Inch by inch Mac was slowly pulled from the muck, Nick and Susan pulling both her and Harm to solid ground. They collapsed in a heap and Harm quickly reached for Mac despite the pain in his back. "Are you okay?" he gasped. "Are you hurt?" She shook her head as she fell into his arms, loud sobs wracking her shivering body. "Shh it's okay" he soothed as he hugged her as tightly as his back would allow. "It's over honey. You're okay. I've got you and you're going to be fine." "That was close" Nick sighed as he looked at Susan. "You okay?" "Yeah I'm fine. But we need to get them out of here before Rojas shows up." He nodded and walked over to Harm and Mac, putting a gentle hand to Harm's shoulder. "Harm we need to get you and Mac out of here before Rojas finds us" Nick said quietly. "You'll have plenty of time to be together once we get you to a new safe house." "Rojas is here?" Mac whispered as she lifted her head from Harm's chest. "There was a leak at the agency" Susan told her. "We're pretty sure he knows that you two are here." She shivered even more in his arms and Harm tightened his hold on her. "It's going to be okay. He won't hurt you. I won't let him." "If there's a leak there's not going to be much you can do about it," she chattered. "He'll find us." "No not going to happen," Susan said firmly. "We'll move you but this time only Nick and I will know where. And that's a promise." "Guys please, we've got to get her back and cleaned up," Harm fretted. "She's exhausted and cold and wet here." "Right now," Susan nodded, accepting Nick's hand to get to her feet, nodding to the question in his eyes, asking if she was OK. Nick helped Harm to stand, and Harm reached down for Mac. "No way Cowboy," she erupted. "Your back has suffered enough abuse. You move aside, now." Both Nick and Susan reached down to help her up, Harm's hands hovering nearby. She got to her feet and staggered, with Harm automatically reaching for her. "I need to carry you," he whispered miserably. "I need to and I hate that I can't." "I can if I need to," Nick reminded him. "How about it Marine?" "I think I can make it," she said with a short smile. "I can at least hold on to you," Harm groused. "We'll be right behind you." Nick stepped in front of Susan as they finally emerged from the woods, the cabin in sight. "This doesn't feel right," he said slowly. "Not sure why. But I don't like it." Mac shivered harder, stifling but just barely, a whimper of cold and Harm nudged Nick's shoulder. "I haven't liked any of this, but she needs to get inside." "Yeah I know, Susan too," he sighed. "OK let's try it." He withdrew his weapon, Susan doing the same. "Susan take Mac. Be careful. Harm and I will be right behind you." "Let's see some of that Marine stuff you guys do on the obstacle course or whatever," Susan grinned. "If we can get inside we'll be fine. And backup is coming. I suspect their chopper got weather-delayed though." "Take care Marine," Harm called softly. "I love you." "Yeah me too," she grinned again. "You better be right behind us Flyboy." Susan took Mac's arm and they started across the beach to the cottage, moving as fast as they could. "They're going to make it OK," Nick breathed, just ahead of the first round of automatic weapon fire. The bullets danced in the sand at the women's feet to the horror of the men who cared about them. In expert fashion, both hit the sand and rolled as they heard their names being screamed, and a few seconds later managed to crawl their way to the cover of the cottage. "Harm they're OK. You can look now," Nick gasped, shaking from relief and watching as Susan returned fire. "Our turn. Stay close behind me. I'm going to lay down cover. OK?" "I'm good yeah, long as Mac is OK," he panted, trying desperately to see her. "Let's do it. Stay close." With Susan returning fire from her side, Mac crouched behind her, Nick took off with Harm but a few steps behind him at first. As happened on the Bataan, a sharp spasm went through his back and he fell. Mac screamed his name and Nick whirled around to see what had happened, running back toward him. The bullet caught him in the back, piercing the fleshy part of his shoulder and he collapsed onto the sand, the last thing he would hear was Susan's terrified scream. The rest of the events were a blur to all concerned. The chopper with the back up suddenly swooped down from the sky and in a barrage of gunfire the man known as Rojas and his accomplices were gunned down. "Nick" Susan screamed in terror as she ran to her partner. "Oh god Nick no." Mac had ran to Harm first and after determining he hadn't been injured by the gunfire pulled herself away from him and headed over to Susan's side just as the other agents swarmed the area. "Nick you hang on" Susan wailed as she cradled his head in her lap. "Please don't you dare leave me." She looked up tearfully as one of the agents hurried over to them. "Jim please help him." "How bad is it?" one of the other agents asked as he leaned down next to them. "He took the bullet in the back" Mac spoke up quietly as Harm finally managed to make is way over to them. "He's tough Susan. He'll be okay. We'll get him in the chopper and we'll get him to the hospital. Just try and stay together for me will you?" Susan nodded as she continued to cling to Nick. "Is anyone else hurt?" Jim asked as he looked over the group. "Just take care of Nick first" Harm said quietly. Moment's later they watched as the chopper carrying Nick and Susan lifted off the sand and started on its way to the Outer Banks Hospital on Nags Head. "Whenever you're ready we'll take you back to DC" Jim said to them a few moments later. "There's no more threat now that Rojas and his guys are all dead." "I think we'd like to go to the hospital to see how Nick is" Harm said quietly. Mac nodded but said nothing and after a quick shower to clean off the muck they were on their way to Nags Head. Mac was strangely silent and Harm didn't force her to talk as both tried to digest what had happened. An hour later they reached the Outer Banks hospital and Mac quickly jumped from the car and headed inside, not bothering to wait to help Harm but instead hurrying to find Susan. "You sure you're okay Commander?" Jim asked as Harm as he helped him from the car. "Yeah I'm fine" Harm lied. He was anything but fine but that didn't matter right not. What mattered was the man who'd risked his life trying to save him. Slowly he walked inside the ER and with a long sigh made his way over to where Mac was trying to comfort Susan. "Susan I'm sorry" Harm started. "Sorry" she lashed out. "You should be sorry. It's your fault that he's in the OR fighting for his life. If you'd stayed in the cottage and let us find Mac, none of this would have happened." "I'm sorry" he whispered. "Mac.." "Don't Harm" Mac snapped as well. "How many more people are going to be hurt because of you? First it was me and our baby. Now it's Nick and Susan." "I'm sorry" he managed before turning and hurrying from the ER as fast as his body would allow. Once outside he took a deep breath as he fought to keep back the tears. They were both right. It was his fault. Just like it had been his fault when Mac lost the baby. If Mac had hated him before, she hated him even more now. The baby, his encounter with Sam and now this. It was just another in a long line of mistake's he'd made. For the next half hour he sat on the bench outside the hospital before finally making his decision. He located a pay phone in the hospital lobby and with a long sigh dialed the Admiral's number. "Sir it's Rabb. I'd like to request a medical leave for the next 30 days." With that done he went back inside to face Mac again. He wouldn't run liked he'd done last time. He would tell her the truth this time, though he doubted it would make any difference. "Mac" he said quietly as he approached her again. "Can we talk?" "Harm I think I need to apologize" Susan started as she wiped away the tears. "I was totally out of line." "No you don't. You made me realize something that I wasn't willing to admit." "I'll be right back" Mac said to Susan before walking away with Harm. "Mac I'm going to take some time off" he said quietly when they stopped in a quiet corner of the lobby. "I've already called the Admiral and requested thirty days of medical leave. I'm going back to Mom's and this time I'm not leaving until I get my back straightened out." "I think that's a good idea" she whispered. "I think we need some time apart anyway." He nodded and took a deep breath. "I'm so sorry for everything. I know that that will never be enough and I hope that one day you'll forgive me." "Me too" she sniffled as the tears slid down her face. "I just don't know when that will be. And I'm sorry too." "I know. That's why I'm leaving" he whispered. "I love you Sarah. Don't ever forget that." He gently placed a kiss on her damp cheek before turning and walking away. "I love you too Harm. Always." she whispered before a long sob escaped her. She knew his leaving was for the best. It just didn't make it any easier. The End Watch for the next chapter of After the Mistletoe coming soon.