TITLE: "After the Mistletoe VII-What Might Have Been" AUTHORS: Anne R. and Pat Steiner SUMMARY: The kiss of Answered Prayers leads to more. Rated PG for mild language. Some chapters will contain mild violence as well. The seventh of the After the Mistletoe series in which Harm and Mac deal with the ramifications of the mistletoe kiss. Note that the arrival of Sergei is not a factor in this series. DISCLAIMER: JAG belongs to CBS, Paramount et al. No copyright infringement is intended with this work of fiction. FEEDBACK: Never expected but always appreciated by both of us-- to [SSbpmn@aol.com]. To those who don't find our work to their liking, we can respect that. In that regard we ask you to respect our desire not to have that shared with us. NOTE: All parts of this story and previous chapter will be available at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AnniePatJAGstories No subbing is required to read from the message archives for registered Yahoo users. Also, previous chapters, as well as our other efforts, should be available at http://thearchive.mine.nu:85/exlibris/ or the Harm-Mac shipper archive at http://hmarchive.topcities.com/index2.html [sadly, not always up and running] Previously in ATM: An investigation aboard the USS Bataan involving Seaman Danny Walden goes horribly wrong, leaving in its wake a tragedy that will affect Harm and Mac for a long time to come. From the close of the last chapter: "Mac" He finally got his voice to cooperate and with some effort managed to open his eyes as well, shocked to see AJ in the room with him. "Sir" Harm whispered, his mind suddenly fearing the worst. "Oh god, no." She was dead. He'd lost her. The only woman he would ever love was dead. "NO" he screamed. "Harm calm down" AJ ordered as he hurried to his side. "She's not dead." "She's not?" he whispered. "No" AJ said slowly. "They're pretty sure she's going to be okay." "What aren't you telling me?" Harm demanded, sensing something else was wrong. "Sir, what is it?" "The baby," AJ said quietly. "They did what they could but they couldn't save the baby. I'm sorry Harm." ****************** "After the Mistletoe VII: What Might Have Been" "Baaa. . ." was all Harm could get out before a giant sob choked off all speech as the full impact of what AJ was telling him hit him square between the eyes. "I'm sorry Harm, really really sorry," AJ said softly, gently touching his arm. "This has to be a huge shock to you. I'm sure you both wanted the baby badly." Harm's breaths were coming in short gasps as he struggled for air after AJ's revelation, his gasps becoming so loud that AJ was alarmed and shouted for Mullins. "My god what happened to him," Mullins demanded, taking one look at his face and clapping an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, which Harm immediately attempted to rip off and to rise from the bed at the same time. "Hey no you don't," Mullins ordered him sharply. "You need that mask and in case you haven't noticed Commander, that's a traction suit you've got on for your back. You are going no where." Harm again struggled and Mullins looked pleadingly to AJ. "Sir, he needs to keep still. People joke about their backs going on all the time, but that's exactly what happened to him and it's not a joke. He had a crippling muscle spasm. Those muscles aren't very happy with him right now. Not to mention he's about to hyperventilate and if he doesn't calm I'm going to have to give him another shot." "Rabb are you listening to this man? Stand down Commander, now," AJ thundered. Harm heard the voice of his CO and with a shuddering sigh stopped struggling, pulling at the mask still with a questioning look. "Take a few deep breaths Commander and then you can have it off, provided you behave yourself," Mullins urged. "But no way are you getting up. You've had a nerve block anyway for the pain. You couldn't walk if this room was on fire." "I'm OK now," Harm managed after a few breaths. "Now please, tell me about Mac. God sir, a baby? She lost our baby? Is she OK? How's she taking it? Does she have other injuries? When can I see her?" "Captain Simmons is seeing to her and she's in the hands of the best," Mullins soothed. "She pulled some ligaments and tendons in her ankle and that's in a light cast and right now immobilized but she'll be able to walk on the cast. She has a mild concussion, no complications and a sore back but no damage--nothing like your injury apparently. Captain Simmons was able to get the bleeding stopped, but it was pretty hairy there for a few hours." Harm nodded soberly. "OK that she's alive is the most important thing. She must be devastated over the baby. I should have been there when they told her. We've never talked about a baby but then we weren't trying. . .but we weren't preventing either." He turned pink as he realized what he was admitting. "How is she with it? How did she take it? I should have been there." "Commander you will be." "Excuse me?" "She doesn't know," AJ told him gently. "She's been drifting in and out since it happened, which is now about twenty-four hours," Mullins explained. "This is not news that should be delivered when the patient is drugged. She's going to need all her wits about her to absorb and deal. And it's going to be better coming from you Commander." Harm nodded slowly, dreading what he was going to have to do. He had no idea if she'd known about the baby or not. He could only guess how devastated she was going to be. He closed his eyes, willing the whole thing to be a nightmare. That any moment he'd wake up and find Mac beside him, telling him everything was going to be okay. "Harm" AJ said quietly. "You okay?" "This isn't real" Harm whispered. "It can't be." "Harm I'm so sorry" AJ sighed. "If there's anything I can do, please let me know." Harm shook his head, knowing there was nothing anyone on this earth could do. "When can I see Mac?" he asked quietly. "She's still out of it" Mullins replied. "Why don't you wait a few more hours? By then she should be fully awake and then you two can talk." "I just want to see her" Harm begged. "Please." "Give it a few hours" Mullins urged. "I promise as soon as she's awake we'll have you in there with her. In the meantime, you in that bed is the best thing for that back." "He's right Commander" AJ said firmly. "And when you're feeling better you and I are going to have a little discussion about why didn't feel it was necessary to let your CO know that your back wasn't healed like you said it was." "Please don't" Harm whispered. "Don't. I know I screwed up sir. I should have said something. But I didn't. And it almost cost Mac her life. And it did cost us our baby." His words ended with a strangled sob and Mullins gave AJ a warning glance. "Harm it's not your fault" AJ said gently. "Yes it is" Harm shouted. "I should have been there with her. Not trailing behind her. If I'd just admitted I was hurting, you would have assigned someone else to be with her. But I didn't." "Harm calm down" AJ ordered. "Blaming yourself is not going to change what happened." "I killed our baby," he cried. "It's my fault our baby is dead." "Harm stop it" AJ tried again as Mullins hurried from the room, returning seconds later with a syringe. Before Harm could stop him, he quickly administered the sedative. "Just close your eyes and don't fight it Commander" Mullins urged. "When you wake up, the Colonel will be awake and you two can talk." It only took a few seconds for the sedative to work, Harm's sobs finally ceasing. "Thank you" AJ said quietly. "I didn't realize he was going to blame himself for what happened. He's not the one who pushed her down those stairs." "No sir, he didn't" Mullins agreed. "But as far as he's concerned he's the one responsible." "Just when they had things worked out" AJ sighed as he stood up and walked out. The past twenty-four hours had been some of the hardest he'd remembered. He'd stopped at Sydney's to tell her what had happened before catching the flight from Andrews. He wasn't sure what her was going to be, but he hadn't expected her anger. She had blamed him for Danny's death, not willing to listen to the facts. "Admiral, do you have a moment?" AJ looked up at the sound of Captain Jefferies voice and let out a long sigh. "Sure, what is it?" "I just received a call from Admiral Markham. It appears that Mrs. Walden has been calling everyone in Washington demanding an NCIS investigation into her son's death. Apparently it got back to Admiral Markham." "You're joking right?" "No sir. I wish I were." "I've seen the report Captain. Ensign Chaffey did what he had to do. Danny Walden had killed CPO McShane and would have killed Ensign Peters if he hadn't pulled the trigger when he did." "I know that sir. And I'm going to stand behind my people. Danny Walden was nothing but trouble from the moment he arrived here Admiral." "That's my fault Captain" AJ sighed. "I was the one who suggested he join the Navy as punishment for his crime. If I'd know it was going to cause this much damage, I'd never have suggested it." "You couldn't have known Admiral" Captain Jefferies said quietly. "Yes I could have" he sighed. "In any case we'd better be ready for NCIS. I'll want to talk to Ensigns Chaffey and Peters." "I'll arrange it sir. When would you like to see them?" "How about now?" "Consider it done. How are the Commander and Colonel sir?" "They should be fine," AJ said quietly, praying that was actually going to be the truth. But if Harms' reaction was any indication he wasn't sure that was going to be the case. "They're in love aren't they?" Captain Jefferies asked gently. "Yes they are. And they went through a lot to even get that far--to the point where they could admit it to themselves, let alone each other. Just a facet of the problem though. If you're getting heat from Admiral Markham, then that's another problem." "Mrs. Walden sir," Jefferies sighed. "She's. . .swearing she's going to file suit and calling us murderers in the papers. Ensign Chaffey saved his partner's life. He told me he wasn't sorry, and that he would do it again. Hell I should be topside writing up a commendation for the boy. Instead he's scared to death he's going to be prosecuted. Somehow the lunatics are running the asylum sir." AJ held up his hand for quiet. "Captain, breathe please. I'm going to have Commander Turner from my staff come out here ASAP, and I'll be keeping an eye on the situation personally. Though I'm not leaving until I know both my people are OK. Now where do I find the two Ensigns?" ================== "Enter," Jonathan called softly in response to the light tapping on the door. He had been ordered to one of the small conference rooms on the officer deck. "It's only me." Ashley's quiet voice came to him and a second later she had slipped through the door, closing it behind her. And a second after that she was being folded into his embrace. They had been kept apart, ordered not to see each other, since the incident. "Are you OK?" he demanded, gentle hands to her face. "Tell me you're OK." "I'm hanging on," she whispered, tears not far from the surface. "How about you? Jonathan I am so sorry. So sorry that I brought this trouble to you." "I know. I'm sorry too. Sorry that you let it go this far. I wish you had trusted me enough to let me help you." "No. NO," she wailed. "At first I wanted to. I wanted to just dump it and make both of us take the fall, and then I realized I couldn't do that too you. That I cared about you too much to do that." He lifted her head from his shoulder and holding her like before, placed a kiss on each damp cheek. "I want you to calm down now," he whispered. "You and I, we're going to see this through together. We're partners remember." "I don't deserve you," she whispered back miserably. "Not for one second. Soon as I make sure you're cleared, I'm resigning and going home. I need to get away from you." "If you try, I'm coming after you," he warned. "I love you Ashley Jo Peters." For a long second her breathing stopped and then she was in his arms again, crying softly as he held and rocked her. "I love you too," he finally got out, whispered into her hair. Without thinking he needed to knock, AJ opened the door, Jefferies behind him. "I see you two have had your reunion," he said kindly. "Yes sir," Jonathan nodded, releasing Ashley and coming to attention, as did she. "Sorry sir. The last twenty-four hours have been hell on wheels." "You got that right Ensign," AJ sighed. "Sit both of you. I want to know what happened. I'm not here to judge or to find fault. Tell me what took place starting with the time Seaman Walden came to your office Ensign Peters." "Yes sir," she began, swallowing hard and attempting without success to steady her voice enough to speak clearly. "Ensign Chaffey, for godsake get the woman a glass of water and if you're of a mind, it's OK if you. . .well hold her hand if you want." "Thank you sir" Jonathan sighed as he stood up. "I'll be right back." He returned seconds later with a glass of water for Ashley, who's trembling hands could barely handle the glass. "Okay Ensign" AJ said gently. "Tell me what happened." "Danny said he needed my help with something," Ashley said quietly. "He didn't say what it was and I told him I couldn't help him anymore. I told him that I'd already lied to Colonel Mackenzie about CPO McShane and I couldn't help him anymore." "What did he say?" "He threatened to tell everyone that he and I had been involved" Ashley whispered. "After I came back from OCS. It would have ruined my career and" She stopped and choked back a sob. "And my relationship with Jonathan." "You and Danny were together after we got back?" Jonathan whispered. "It wasn't what you think" Ashley wailed. "It was one time. I was stupid. I'm sorry." "Okay, let's just stick to the facts" AJ sighed. "So he threatened to tell everyone about you and him." "Yes sir. So I said I would help him out." "What did you do?" "I arranged for CPO McShane to come down to the lower decks" Ashley sniffled. "But honest, I didn't know Danny was going to kill him. I would never have done it if I'd know he was going to do that." "I believe you Ensign" AJ said quietly. "Go on." "He killed McShane" Ashley whispered. "I have no idea where he got the gun from. He just pulled out the gun and said something about there was no way McShane was going to be running the show anymore. And then he killed him." Her voice broke and Jonathan reached for her hand. "Okay, I think we're done for now" AJ said gently. "Ensign, why don't you take Ensign Peters back to her quarters." "Sir, we're not supposed to be together," Jonathan said quietly. "Just be discreet and no one will notice" AJ said with a small smile. "Sir, how's Commander Rabb and Colonel Mackenzie?" Ashley asked as Jonathan helped her to her feet. "They'll be okay." "Did the Colonel really lose her baby?" Ashley whispered, more tears brimming. "Unfortunately yes" AJ sighed. "And as I'm sure you two figured out when you were with them they're very close. They've been through a lot together over the years and they were finally getting things on track." "I'm sorry" Ashley sniffled, the tears running down her face. "I am so sorry." "It wasn't your fault" AJ said to the young woman. "Don't blame yourself." **************** Hurt. Everything hurt. Her head, her back. With a long groan Mac pushed her eyes open. "Welcome back Colonel" Mullins said gently. For a moment she just stared at the man, trying to remember what had happened. She and Harm had been chasing Danny. "Harm" she gasped. "Easy Colonel. He's fine. He's resting right now. He should be with us any minute." "Is he okay?" she asked. "He'll be okay. We're taking good care of him." "I need to see him" she pleaded. "I need to know he's okay." "I know. I'll go see if he's awake." She closed her eyes again and had drifted to sleep when she felt someone take her hand. She forced her eyes open again and this time Harm's face greeted her. "Hi" he whispered. "How you doing?" "Hurt" she admitted. "And I feel so weak." "I know," he said softly. "It was touch and go there for a while." He swallowed hard and tried to figure out how he was going to tell her that she'd lost the baby. "Harm" she whispered. "What it is? What's wrong?" He could feel the tears stinging and he took a deep breath to keep them back. "Oh god" he whispered. "I'm so sorry Mac. This is my fault." "Harm, what" she started and then stopped. "NO" she whispered suddenly realizing what he couldn't tell her. "No, not the baby." "I'm so sorry" Harm whispered, unable to keep the tears at bay any longer. "Our baby" she cried and somehow he managed to lean forward enough to wrap his arms around her, the pain the movement caused nothing compared to the pain in his heart. "Our baby," she whispered once more, barely able to speak, her throat closing over as she was overwhelmed with tears. For several minutes he could do nothing but hold her, rocking her back and forth, ignoring as best he could the pain that shot through his back with each stroke. "Our baby," she murmured once more in agony, struggling mightily to get herself under control. "Harm what happened? Why is our baby dead?" "It's my fault." "Harm no," she breathed, wiping at her tears. "I don't buy that. What happened? I need to know." "You want to know what happened? OK then let me give you an earful," he replied bitterly. "Let me tell you about a man who refused to admit that he was half crippled. Who let his partner go after a man who was dangerous--let her face him alone because he couldn't keep up." A sob made him stop to try to breathe and when he attempted to speak again the words would not come. Rather he made a series of short whoops. "Harm what's wrong? You're really scaring me," she gasped, trying to rub his back, for the moment forgetting her own distress in her concern for him. "I'm OK," he managed to get out, holding his hand up and willing himself to calm. "Look the bottom line is that our baby is gone and it's my fault. I didn't even know you were pregnant. Why didn't you tell me?" "I didn't know myself until just before we came out here. I mean it suddenly occurred to me that it hadn't been that time of the month you know," she said quietly, feeling the pain grip her heart and she cried once more. "I just wanted to tell you when we could. . ." she attempted and gave up, surrendering to her tears once more. "OK honey, OK," he soothed. "I'm so sorry. And I don't know how you can forgive me." "I don't want to talk about it now any more anyway," she choked, knowing that he blamed himself for her fall, and while her head told her that was not so, her heart was telling her a different story. Awkwardly Harm held her, glad she could see his face, until a short time later when Mullins opened the door. "Sir time's up. You're not to be out of bed any longer." Mac at once looked up, dabbing at her eyes. "Out of bed? Harm were you hurt?" "No, just my back remember. The very reason I wasn't right next to you. Why I wasn't there to deal with Danny with you." "I know that," she sighed in relief. "I was just afraid for a second it was something more. Yeah you need to go back and lie down." "I don't want to leave you alone in here," he whispered. "But that's what I want," she said firmly. "Right now I don't want anyone. I need to deal with this, to process all of this, and I need to be alone to do it. And you need to take care of yourself." "Yeah all right. I'm going to be back later though." "We'll see." She struggled from his grasp and he reluctantly released her, standing stiffly and then leaning down to kiss her gently, a kiss to which she did not respond. Mullins took his arm and helped him start walking, only to have him turn back to her. "I love you Sarah." "Harm I. . ." she began and dissolved once more, turning her head away from him. For a moment it felt like he couldn't breathe. She'd never turned away from him when he'd said he loved her. And the fact that she couldn't say the words back only hurt more. "Commander, let's get you back to your bed" Mullins said gently. "You need to lie down." "I'm so sorry Sarah" Harm whispered, ignoring the tears that once again ran down his face. "I am so sorry." "Sir come on," Mullins said as he tugged at Harm's arm. With the sound of Mac's sobs echoing through the small room he slowly walked out, hating himself more than he ever had before. It was his fault Mac had lost the baby. He knew and so did she. And he wasn't sure she would ever forgive him for it. "She's still pretty out of it from everything" Mullins said quietly as he helped Harm back into his bed. "She's been through a very traumatic experience and sometimes it just takes time." Harm didn't reply, praying that was the case. But somehow he knew that this time it wasn't going to be that simple. "I'm going to give you another shot so you can rest again," Mullins said as he reached for the syringe. "I'm sure sitting like that hurt." He wanted to say that it was nothing compared to the hurt when Mac had turned away when he'd told her he loved her. Nothing compared to how he'd felt when she didn't return his kiss. "How are they?" AJ asked Mullins as he came out of Harm's room. "I just gave the Commander another shot," Mullins said quietly. "He spent a little time with the Colonel." "How'd you manage to pull them apart?" AJ said with a small smile. "To be honest sir, it was the Colonel's idea. He told her about the baby and I think she's took it pretty hard." "Oh boy" AJ sighed. "And she pushed him away right?" "It's not uncommon for a woman to do that following something like this sir. She has a lot to deal with and sometimes its easier to do that alone than with someone hovering over them." "Except in this case he's already blaming himself for what happened" AJ said quietly. "And if he thinks she believes it too, I don't know what will happen." "Did you want to go see her sir? She's awake right now." "Yeah I do" AJ nodded. "Go ahead sir. Just try to keep her calm. She doesn't need to be upset like that." With a deep breath AJ headed to Mac's room, her sobs greeting him as he walked in. "Mac" he said softly. "Sir, I uh didn't know you were here" Mac sniffled as she turned her head to look at him. "I wanted to make sure you and Harm were going to be okay" he said quietly. "The doctor says I'll be fine" she whispered, desperately trying to keep the tears back. "And I'm sure Harm will be too." "Mac that's not what I'm talking about." "Please sir" she sobbed. "I can't talk about this right now. It just hurts too much." "I'm sorry," AJ said softly. "And we don't have to talk about it. I just wanted you to know that I'm here for whatever you and Harm need. You two are like my own children and if there's anything I can do to help, please let me know." "There's nothing anyone can do now" she whispered. "And I'm sorry sir, but I'd rather be left alone." "I understand" AJ nodded. "I'll be here until Commander Turner comes aboard. He'll be handling the NCIS investigation." "What NCIS investigation?" Mac asked. "I guess Harm didn't tell you the rest of what happened" AJ sighed. "Ensign Chaffey shot and killed Danny while they were trying to apprehend him. Danny had grabbed Ensign Peters and was going to kill her. Ensign Chaffey did the only thing he could to save his partner. He killed Danny." "So why is NCIS investigating?" "Because Sydney thinks that her son was murdered. Despite my explaining to her exactly what happened she went off and made some calls and got some heads turning. So NCIS is going to investigate what happened. But that's not your concern. Commander Turner will handle all that. All you're to worry about is getting better." "That's not going to happen for a while" she whispered. "Mac I'm sorry" AJ said quietly. "Sir, please" Mac begged. "I just want to be alone." "All right. But if you need anything, you just tell them to find me." She nodded and turned her head away again as more tears slid down her face. With a heavy heart AJ left her alone, hating to see the people he cared about hurting like this. He hoped that when Sturgis arrived he might be able to get her to open up. He'd been there for her during Harm's ordeal and hopefully she'd let him help her again. ================== "I love you Sarah." Harm's words echoed over and over as she tried to will herself in to the blissful oblivion of sleep. Of his love she had no doubt. Of her love for him she had no doubt, but at that moment all she could feel was empty. Her hand pressed her belly, the belly that had up until twenty-four hours ago sheltered life. More than just cells dividing, for at eight weeks there had formed a tiny human being, a very much wanted baby. She knew Harm was hurting, and part of her wanted to go to him and crawl into the safety of his arms, for his consolation and to comfort him. The other part of her wanted to be left strictly alone. Alone to mourn. Finally she called for a corpsman and asked for something to help her sleep, praying as she drifted off that when she awoke she would be in Harm's arms, and their baby would be still inside her. ============== Officer's Mess 10 Hours later "So that's the whole sad story Commander," AJ sighed, pushing the case file to Turner. "You've got Rabb and Mackenzie hurting on one hand, and your Jagman investigation on the other." "And to think I could have stayed on the bottom of the ocean," Sturgis sighed. "You realize there's not even enough to ask for a thirty-two for Chaffey and Peters. Not from what you've told me so far. And Chaffey isn't guilty of anything but caring for her." "That was my assessment," AJ nodded slowly. "And with McShane dead a lot of evidence died with him. So in the hour I have left before my chopper takes off, what else can we discuss? I don't envy you dealing with Rabb and Mackenzie, and I would stay if I could but I'm going to have to face the Secnav, the CNO and Mrs. Walden. Probably a couple of senators." "You think you did wrong suggesting Danny be inducted?" "No I really don't. Don't you remember when you were that age? The Navy smoothed out your rough edges didn't it?" "The Navy finished the job my dad started, making a man out of me," Sturgis grinned. "And it would have Walden too if he'd given it half a chance." "Yeah. Well you let me know about Harm and Mac. What I can do to ease their homecoming," AJ went on. "Will do yes sir," Sturgis sighed, still in shock over the news of Mac's pregnancy. Once he had seen AJ off, he walked down to sick bay. With the corpsman's permission, he silently opened the door to Harm's room first, cautious in that he might be asleep. Rather he was sitting up in bed, eyes fixed straight ahead. "Hey buddy," Sturgis called softly. "You know this is getting to be old, coming to find out what kind of trouble you're in this time." "I screwed up big time Sturgis," he whispered, unable to meet this friend's gaze. "I assume the Admiral told you what happened." Sturgis nodded. "He did. And he told me you were blaming yourself. Harm, these things happen." "Don't you dare try to tell me anything about God's will. Don't you tell me God took our baby back because He needed an angel or any of that crappola." His eyes flashed and he went on. "Forty-eight hours ago, Mac was carrying our baby, and now she's not. And she's not because I wouldn't stand down. It's just that simple. Because I was too proud and too scared to step back." "Is Mac blaming you?" "She'd be a fool if she wasn't," he scoffed. "I've messed up before in my life but this has to get the prize. Sturgis, I love her and I'm afraid I don't see that ever. . ." He stopped as his throat closed over with a sob he could not hold back. "You've tried to talk to her?" "Enough to know she's not going to want me in her life any more," he responded bitterly. "Harm don't fear the worst huh," he urged. "If you tried to talk to her when the hurt was still raw, she probably wasn't receptive." "I just know I told her I loved her and she couldn't answer. So yeah, that's pretty unreceptive," he muttered. "Harm she does love you. If I know nothing else in this world, of that I'm sure," Sturgis sighed. "And I love her, so very much," he whispered. "I wanted to bad for this to work, and at this point I don't see it happening for us. At this point I think she'd be better off if I just disappear." "I'm hoping you're not talking serious here. Because that's the last thing you need to do right now. She's going to need you to help her get through this." "The last think she needs is me" Harm retorted. "From day one I have done nothing but mess up her life. And just when we start getting it right, I screw it all up again." "You are being way to hard on yourself buddy" Sturgis sighed. "Way to hard." "Well talk to Mac. I'm sure she'll agree with me. And if you mind, I'm not really in the mood for company right now." "Harm" Sturgis tried. "Please. Just leave me alone." "Fine. Wallow in self pity" Sturgis said as he headed out. "But it doesn't make anything go away or make it any better." Harm said nothing, ignoring the last part of Sturgis's lecture. Right now the only thing he knew was that Mac had lost the baby because of him. And if he could never forgive himself, how would she be able to forgive him. "Commander Turner, Colonel Mackenzie's awake now if you'd like to see her" Mullins informed him. "How is she?" Sturgis asked. "Physically she's healing fine. It's the emotional healing that's going to take sometime." "I know" Sturgis sighed as he followed Mullins down to Mac's room. "Mac" Sturgis said softly as he walked in. Her head was turned the other way and from her sniffles he could tell that she was crying. "Do you mind a visitor?" "No, it's okay" she said as she wiped away the traces of her tears. "How's the investigation going? They're not going to charge Ensign Chaffey are they?" "Hopefully not. I think once NCIS sees the facts they'll realize that he had no choice and he'll be cleared of Danny's death." She nodded but said nothing else. "Mac I'm not here to talk to you about the case. I came in here to see how you're doing." "How do you think I'm doing?" she snapped. "I just lost a baby." "I'm sorry," he said automatically. "No, I'm the one who should be sorry" she sniffled. "I had no reason to snap at you like that. It's not your fault this happened." She sniffled loudly again, as she attempted to keep the tears back. "Mac I really am sorry. I wish there was something I could do to help," he said softly. "Well unless you can go back and change time there's nothing you can do to help," she said bitterly. "It shouldn't have happened but there's nothing anyone can do about it now." He didn't miss the bitterness in her voice and with a long sigh sat down beside her bed. "You're not blaming Harm for what happened are you?" For a moment she said nothing as she stared at the wall. Logic told her it wasn't his fault. But her emotions weren't listening to logic at that moment. "If he'd told me, this wouldn't have happened," she said quietly. "The Admiral could have arranged for someone else to come out with me. But he didn't and he wasn't there when I need him. And yes I know that blaming him doesn't make anything better but at the moment it helps me get through this." "Mac you know that's quite a burden you've put on him." "All he had to do was tell me," she shouted as the tears started again. "But he didn't. And now my baby is dead." "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you like this" Sturgis said softly. "I'm just trying to help." "Nothing will help" she sobbed. "I lost my baby and nothing is going to make that hurt go away." "Not even Harm's love?" Sturgis prodded gently. "Not even that" Mac whispered. ******************** Two Days Later "Okay you and Mac are set to go home," Sturgis said as he walked into Harm's room. "And thanks to my quick work with NCIS I'll be joining you." "Good. It was going to be an awfully quiet ride back" Harm sighed. "Harm I'm sorry she hasn't wanted to talk to you yet" Sturgis said as he patted his friends shoulder. "But you have to remember the hurt is still to fresh right now." "What about how I feel?" Harm snapped. "Doesn't she realize that I'm hurting too?" "Look right now she's not reasonable. She's been through a lot and the best thing you can do is let her work through it without pressuring her." "I love her for godsake" Harm shouted. "How is that pressuring her?" "Right now it is. Just remember that whatever you're feeling is a thousand times worse for her." He said nothing and allowed Sturgis to help him from the bed. He was glad to finally be going home, praying that once they'd gotten off the ship Mac's mood would start to change. That she'd want to see him again. For the past two days she hadn't wanted to see him again and it was killing him not to be able to see her. Not to be able to tell her how sorry he really was. He walked slowly from the room, seeing her waiting at the door for him and Sturgis. "Hi" he said quietly. "Hi." "If you're both ready, our ride is waiting" Sturgis said with a small smile. He could sense the tension between the two and he hoped they would be able to make it home without it all exploding. "Lucy asked after both of you," Sturgis went on softly. "In fact she's going to come up to D.C. and give us a hand." "What the hell for?" Harm groaned. "Because Moron you and Mac are going to need recovery time," Sturgis yelped. "Harriet and Bud want to help as well. And get this. Admiral Chegwidden has ordered me to deliver you to his place." "Sturgis is it not possible that I can't just go back to my place," Mac asked slowly. "I'm not up to anyone's company and I can manage perfectly well please." "Look I'm not going to get into any of that now," he answered firmly. "My job is to escort you home per direct order of the Admiral and that's exactly what I'm going to do. I have some illusion that someday I'm going to make captain and I don't need a DDO charge." "I don't want you to be alone," Harm whispered as they started out. "Thanks for the concern, but right now that's what I want," she replied tersely. He was about to reply when Jonathan and Ashley intercepted them in the corridor. "We wanted to say goodbye," Jonathan explained. "And to thank you for everything." "But mostly Colonel to say how sorry we are," Ashley spoke up. "And that I feel responsible. I'm so sorry." Jonathan's arm went around her as she sniffled slightly. "Thank you Ensign," Mac nodded. "There's more than enough blame to go around. Everyone is sorry, and I do appreciate that. But the fact is, my baby is dead." Harm automatically reached for her, only to have her pull away. "Harm it would probably be better if you just left me alone," she warned softly. "I'm not real happy with myself right now." He started to object and Sturgis caught his eye, giving him a shake of his head. "Yeah," Harm mouthed with a weary sigh, limping along behind the woman he loved and his friend. His back had responded to the bed rest and traction and he would have the situation evaluated again at Bethesda when he returned to the U.S. Ashley and Jonathan followed them onto the flight deck, walking with them to the chopper. "Ma'am, I just wish there was something I could do to help," Ashley sighed, holding her hand to Mac. "Can I email you and see how you are?" Mac gave her just the ghost of a smile. "I wish you would." She turned to Jonathan with that same tiny smile. "Ensign take good care of her. You need each other. If you've found something special, don't waste it." With a sidelong look at Harm, she allowed Sturgis to help her aboard. Ashley turned to Jonathan and gave his hand a quick squeeze. "I think we're back on the same page. Thank you ma'am. You take care of yourself and the Commander here too." Sturgis climbed up behind Mac and reached back for Harm, who irritably shook his head and mounted the step himself, only to have the pain shoot through his back. He unceremoniously fell backwards on to the deck, with Jonathan and Ashley grabbing onto him as best they could. "Harm?" Mac screeched and attempted to go to him, her concern for him outweighing any resentment at that moment. At the same time, Sturgis leaped from the chopper, motioning her back. "He's all right. Mr. and Mrs. Ensign have him." Ashley blushed furiously but none the less held on to his arm and guided him back to the doorway where Sturgis looked at him scornfully. "You're pathetic you know that. Think you could accept a little help this time?" Silently Harm reached out his hands and let Sturgis pull him aboard, settling opposite Mac who studied him anxiously. "You OK?" "Fine," he returned in a clipped tone of voice that he hated hearing himself use. And it was the last word that would be exchanged between them until they were out over the Atlantic. "Are we going to keep this up forever," he finally whispered to her, sliding his hand so that their fingers touched just at the tip. "This silence? I know we need to talk. I want to." "I don't think I do," she said slowly. "Harm you need to try to understand. I wanted this baby. I had been living with the knowledge that I was going to have your child." She looked at him pleadingly. "A dream that I've had forever was finally coming true. That's not so hard to understand. And because you decided it was OK not to be completely straight, that's been taken away from me." For a long minute words caught in his throat as the essence of blame was in the open. Then his natural self-defense instinct took over. "Just wait just a damn minute," he exploded, not caring at that moment who overheard. "You said you knew you were pregnant--pregnant with our baby. OK fine. You didn't tell me about that either. You didn't think I needed to know. My god Mac do you think had I known you were pregnant I would have let you take off after this guy? Admit it--at that exact moment you attempted to get him, you were in maximum Marine mode. You were doing your job and no one would fault you for that--but you were not remembering that you were carrying our baby. Were you?" She looked at him silently, her eyes wide. "Were you?" he persisted and now he was not Harmon Rabb the man she loved, but Harmon Rabb the counselor and she was a witness for the other side. "Were you?" Again he pressed and this time two tears rolled down her cheeks. "Go to hell," she whispered and her words were deadly with their effect. "Okay, both of you stop" Sturgis interrupted. "This is not going to help." "Nothing will help" Mac said bitterly. "Nothing." "So this is it" Harm snapped. "I've screwed up everything for good this time." "Yes you have" she snapped back. "Fine. If that's the way you want it, that's the way you'll have it" Harm shouted. "Hey is there a problem back there?" the copilot asked as he turned around to look at them. "Nothing we can't handle" Sturgis assured him, giving both Harm and Mac a long look. The rest of the ride was made in silence, neither one saying a word, nor looking at the other. "Okay, now I'm taking you both to the Admiral's" Sturgis said as the chopper approached Andrews. "And I hope that when I do you don't kill each other." "That won't happen" Harm said quietly. "Because I'm not going to the Admiral's." "Oh yes you are. I have orders to take you there and that's where I'm taking you." "Sturgis you're not taking me to the Admiral's because I'm going to go straight to Bethesda" Harm sighed. "You okay?" Sturgis demanded. "Your back again?" He waited for Mac's response to Harm's announcement but there was none. She simply sat staring forward, ignoring the conversation around her. "Yeah" Harm said quietly. "Okay, I'll get you to Bethesda and then I'll take Mac back to the Admiral's" Sturgis sighed. "Is that acceptable to you Colonel?" "Whatever" she said quietly. They landed minutes later and Mac quickly leapt from the plane, not bothering to wait for Harm and Sturgis. "Can I help this time?" Sturgis asked. "Or do you want to fall on your face again?" Harm said nothing as he stood up, feeling the pain from sitting for so long. With Sturgis's assistance he slowly made his way from the chopper, grabbing onto Sturgis's arm when he legs nearly buckled under him when he stepped off. "I got you" Sturgis said as held onto Harm's arm. He could see Mac ahead, turning back and watching them but making no attempt to help them. It was a slow walk to the waiting car, Harm sinking gratefully into the back-seat when they finally reached it. Mac sat in the front with Sturgis, not even acknowledging Harm's presence. The silence continued all the way to Bethesda and with a long sigh Sturgis pulled up in front of the hospital ER. "Stay put and I'll get a wheelchair" Sturgis ordered as Harm opened the back door. "You shouldn't walk anymore than you have to." "I'm not waiting in here" Harm retorted as he pushed himself out of the car. Sturgis just shook his head as he offered his hand to help him. Fortunately they were met seconds later by a nurse with a wheelchair and Sturgis helped him into it. "Thanks buddy" Harm sighed. "I think they can handle it from here." "I'll be back later to check on you" Sturgis promised. "Take care of Mac for me will you" Harm said quietly. "Seeing as how she's pretty much made it clear she doesn't want me in her life anymore." "Harm that's just the hurt talking right now. Once she has time to think about it she'll realize she didn't mean what she said." "Yes she did" Harm said miserably. "And she has every right to hate me." He grimaced in pain and Sturgis patted his shoulder. "We'll talk about this later. You need to let them take a look at you again. I'm going to get Mac settled at the Admiral's and then I'll be back later." Harm nodded and the nurse wheeled him away as Sturgis headed out. "Okay Commander, what seems to be the trouble?" the nurse asked as she took him back to one of the examination rooms. "My back" Harm replied. "Chief Corpsman Mullins was going to send my records from the Bataan. Commander Harmon Rabb." "I'll go check. Will you be okay here for a few minutes?" "Yes ma'am" Harm said with a small smile. He waited a few seconds after she'd left before pushing himself from the wheelchair and quietly making his way down the hall. The nurse who'd helped him was busy looking for his records and no one else noticed him walk past and out of the ER. As usual there was a cab waiting and Harm quickly motioned for the driver. "Where to sir?" the man asked as Harm slowly climbed in. "Dulles" Harm managed with a long grimace. An hour later he was on a flight to LA. It had been the first flight out to the West Coast and with a flash of his ID and smile he'd managed to get aboard despite his late purchase. As soon as he was allowed he picked up the in-flight phone and dialed. "Hi mom" he said quietly. "You up to having a visitor?" "Always Harmon always," Trish smiled. "When are you and Mac coming?" "Mom I said 'a visitor'," he corrected. "I'm alone." 'Maybe for the rest of my life' he added under his breath. "I'm actually in flight to L.A.X. and I'm going to rent a car and drive down." "Yes OK that's fine, but Mac isn't with you?" Trish was clearly confused. The last time she had spoken to her son he had mentioned Mac and their burgeoning relationship in glowing terms and total enthusiasm. "No mom. I'm quite alone. See you soon." Before she could ask anything further he hung up and leaned back in the seat with a long sigh of pain, trying to stretch his back. That he was going to need treatment for it again was becoming more and more obvious. "My life is crap," he sighed and when the flight attendant came through with the beverage cart he gratefully ordered a bourbon and water, needing something to dull the pain---pain of all kinds. ================== HOME OF AJ CHEGWIDDEN McLean, Va. "Mac come in," AJ greeted her warmly, reaching for her arm, and then looked past her for Harm. "OK did Mr. Rabb give you the slip or what?" "No sir, he went straight to Bethesda," Sturgis told him. "His back is bothering him pretty bad I'm afraid." "OK," AJ nodded. "Mac how are you?" "I'm tired. Very very tired," she said quietly. "Right now I would like to be in my own apartment but apparently I'm not going to be allowed to do that." "I didn't think either of you should be alone," AJ said slowly. "Though I was pretty much expecting you both." "No sir," Mac sighed. "I wouldn't look for that 'both' any time soon. Look sir, I'm on the verge of losing it here. Before I turn rude. . .more rude. . .may I be excused." AJ nodded. "Long as you promise to let me know if you need anything. Take the first bedroom on the right. There's a bathroom attached and in case you need them, I've left some of Francesca's. . .uh. . .nightware there. I'm glad you're going to get some rest." "Good night," she sighed and looked at Sturgis. "If you hear from Harm. . ." she tried and her voice fell away. "Never mind. I can't deal with any of that just now. Good night." "Sir this is awful," Sturgis said quietly as soon as they heard the shower water running. "Those two are so in love, and need each other so badly. How could anything like this happen that's tearing them apart." "I have no answer for you--or for them," AJ groaned. "I just know I hate to see this. I've stood back a long time and watched them deny their feelings. I thought sure this time it would happen for them. Damn that Walden kid. And damn myself for setting in motion this tragedy anyway." "There is so much blame and yet it's really no one's fault either," Sturgis objected. "It happened. A dozen little things combined and it happened." "Well maybe it will look better to all of us in the morning. I'm going to get a beer. Why don't you join me and then you can sack out here tonight." ============= LA JOLLA Ca. Home of Trish and Frank Burnett "My god boy you look like hell warmed over," Frank declared when he opened the door for Harm. "I'm not doing too well," he admitted, allowing Frank to guide him inside and he leaned against the wall just inside the door. "I think I need the hospital." With that, he slumped downward along the wall, pain, exhaustion and stress taking their toll. "Trish, Harm's here but he's not staying," Frank shouted. "Call 911. He needs the hospital at the base." ******************* San Diego Naval Station Base Hospital Several Hours Later There was someone holding his hand. A warm soft hand that could only be that of the woman that loved him. His forced his eyes open, not able to hide the disappointment when he looked up and saw that it was Trish holding his hand, not Mac. And suddenly everything came rushing back. Mac wouldn't be holding his hand. Mac hated him. She'd lost the baby because of him and now she hated him. "I guess you were expecting someone else" Trish said softly. "Sorry. I was going to call Mac but I didn't want to wake her this late. I'll call her in the morning." "No" Harm nearly shouted and Trish gave him a curious look. "Harm what's going on. You call me up, tell me you're coming without Mac, collapse at my front door, nearly giving me and Frank a heart attack and now you tell me you don't want me to call Mac?" "Mom it's complicated" Harm groaned. "Please, let's just leave it at that for now. I really don't have the energy to deal with it right now." "Which leads me to another question. Why didn't you tell me you were still hurting from your last crash? Last time I talked to you you said everything was fine." "It was. But since then I've re-injured my back again" he sighed. "And at the rate I'm going, it's never going to be right. Course nothing is right in my life so what does it matter." "Okay Harm, what's going on" Trish demanded. "And don't tell me nothing and that you don't want to talk about it. You didn't come out here for a vacation. You came out here to escape and I want to know what you're running from." "Everything" Harm sighed. "So Mac doesn't know you're here does she?" Trish prodded. "Does your CO know where you are?" "No" he admitted. "Last they knew I was at Bethesda. I walked out and took a cab to the airport and came straight here." "Don't you think you should call and tell him before they send the MP's after you? Whatever it is that's got you into this much of funk isn't worth ruining your career over." "Yes it is" Harm said quietly as he closed his eyes again. His career meant nothing to him without Mac. She was the one who made JAG special to him. And if she hated him, then he had no reason to ever go back. "You don't have to stay here you know" he said a few seconds later. "Why don't you go home and get some rest?" "I'm fine right here" she assured him. "I sent Frank home and he'll be back in the morning. "In the meantime, I'm going to stay here and make sure you're okay." "I'm sorry if I worried you. I didn't mean to scare you like that." "Well seeing my son slumped at the front door tends to scare me a little" Trish said as she squeezed his hand. "I worry about you a lot and with good reason." "Sorry. But you really didn't have to stay here with me." "Hey I don't get much time with you as it is" Trish smiled. "I'll take whatever I can get, even if it is under these conditions. And I won't press you about anything right now. But we'll need to call AJ in the morning." "Yes ma'am" Harm murmured tiredly. "I'm sorry about all this." "It's okay sweetheart" Trish soothed as she stroked his forehead. "Everything's going to be okay." "Everything but me and Mac" he murmured as his eyes closed. ****************** AJ Chegwidden Residence 8:00 AM EST "She still asleep?" AJ asked as Sturgis walked into the kitchen. "Yeah. I think she's just emotionally and physically worn out. It's going to take a while for her to recover from everything. And speaking of recovering, I should call Bethesda and check on Harm." "Good idea" AJ nodded. "Course at this point it might be better that they're apart. That way they can't destroy what they have left." "True" Sturgis sighed. "But I do want to make sure he's okay." AJ pointed to the phone and moments later Sturgis waited on hold. "Hi, I'm trying to get information on a patient" he said once he was transferred to the information desk. "Commander Harmon Rabb." "I'm sorry sir, but there's no Commander Rabb listed as a patient here" the receptionist replied. "What do you mean? I dropped him off yesterday." "Sir, I'm sorry but there's not Commander Harmon Rabb here now. He might have been treated and released." "Like hell" Sturgis muttered as he hung up. "Problem?" AJ asked. "They have no record of Harm being a patient there" Sturgis sighed. "And I think I know why. He probably skipped town. He said something about disappearing out of Mac's life. I didn't think he was serious but maybe he was." "Well he's still under my command" AJ growled. "Unless he's gone off and resigned as well." "I don't know sir" Sturgis said quietly. "He was pretty upset about everything. He thinks Mac hates him. At this point I wouldn't be surprised at all if he'd done something crazy like that. And of course he's in no condition to be doing anything." "It won't stop him" AJ sighed. "I might try calling his mother in San Diego on the off chance he went out there. But it's too early to call now." "I think we should keep this to ourselves right now. It'll just upset Mac more if she finds out he took off like this." "Agreed. And when we do find Mr. Rabb, he's going to have some explaining to do." "All I know is something that was so right has gone horribly wrong," Sturgis pointed out unnecessarily. AJ nodded soberly, his eye on the doorway. "You don't honestly think Mac hates him do you?" Sturgis made a derisive noise. "No sir, absolutely not. She deep in shock and hurt and it's just sad that she won't turn to the one person who could comfort her most right now. But hate him, no sir no way. And when the hurt subsides and she's able to think clearly, she'll be more able to see that it's not Harm's fault totally, that she bears some responsibility, but moreover, that it is not actually anyone's fault. No one intentionally destroyed the life she was carrying." "She's going to need some help. You know Harriet went to a grief counselor after baby Sarah's death. She got a lot of clarity. But maybe it's not the same thing?" "Yeah it is," Sturgis said quietly. "A fully formed baby or a mass of tissue--it was still their child." "Thank you for that," Mac whispered from the doorway where she stood wrapped in a blanket from the bed. "Thank you for validating my grief." "Good morning. Come have some coffee and juice," Sturgis urged, going to her side and putting his arm around her to bring her to the table. "Just remember we're here to help you. But you have to let us, and to tell us what you need." It was not until AJ placed a cup coffee in front of her and she was staring into it that she said another word. "Harm?" Neither responded and she looked up at them, her own misery forgotten for the moment. "Something wrong with Harm?" "Not at all. He just hasn't checked in and we haven't located him yet this morning," AJ told her easily. "Apparently he didn't stay at Bethesda last night." "But he was hurting so bad," she fretted. AJ shrugged helplessly. "I know. I'm going to see if his Mom knows anything but being as it's only about 530AM out there, I'll give them a break. Rabb knows the regs about keeping his unit informed as to his whereabouts." "What if he went home and now can't get out of bed to answer the phone or something," she wailed softly, sudden tears in her eyes. Sturgis looked over the top of her head to AJ, not sure how to handle this difference in her from last night, finally mouthing 'hormones'. "Mac if we haven't heard anything in a couple hours I'll drive over there and check, I promise. I'll get the super to let me in if I have to." "Thanks," she breathed. "Sir if you could give me a couple hours to just get myself together here I'll be out of your hair." "You are at your duty station for the day Colonel," AJ said firmly. "In fact I'm going to call Harriet and ask her to join you." "Sir I don't need a babysitter," she erupted. "You don't need to be alone either," AJ told her. "Now what do you want for breakfast. Anything but nothing is acceptable as an answer." ============== BASE HOSPITAL San Diego NAS "Harm they've brought you some breakfast." Trish gave her son a gentle shake, knowing he was still pretty groggy from the pain medication. "Mac?" He forced his eyes open and swallowed several times, grateful for the water Trish held to his lips. "No. Mom. Sorry. We do need to call her and tell her where you are before she worries herself to death. Your C.O. too. Harm, if the man doesn't know where you are, you're UA. I'm still enough of a Navy woman to know that." "Yes ma'am. Please can you just ask the hospital to notify him. They can just call the duty desk and he'll get the word." "Harmon are you never going to talk to anyone back there again?" "Right now the one person I care most about back there wants nothing to do with me," he sighed. "And since I don't think that's fixable, I'm not sure I'm going back. Maybe I'll check into slots here at the NAS. You feel like having a boarder?" "Harm do not--I repeat do not--make any life changing decisions while you're in pain and having narcotics dripped into you," Trish admonished him sternly. "Especially not until you give you and Mac another chance. What did you two fight over anyway?" "I don't want to talk about it" Harm said as he looked away. It still hurt to think about the child that they had lost. Lost because of his stubbornness. "Harm" Trish prodded him. "You can't keep all this bottled up inside of you." "I don't think I can talk about it yet" Harm whispered. "Harm what is it?" Trish said gently. "I've never seen you like this. What happened?" "Mac was pregnant" Harm managed. "And she lost the baby." "Oh Harm" Trish gasped. "I'm so sorry. I had no idea." "She lost the baby because of me" he continued in a choked voice. "It was my fault. And now she hates me." "I'm sure that's not the case" Trish soothed as she leaned forward and gently wrapped her arms around her son. "On both counts." "No it's is" Harm wailed. "It was my fault she lost the baby. We were chasing a suspect and I couldn't keep up. And he pushed her down the stairs and she lost the baby. And now she hates me." His words ended with a small sob and Trish held him tighter. "I'm so sorry" she whispered as she gently rubbed his back. "I wish there was something I could do." "There's nothing anyone can do" he whispered. "She hates me. It's over Mom. I've lost her forever this time." Another sob and he buried his head against her shoulder, crying softly like a child. "Harm it's going to be okay" she said softly. "I know it doesn't seem like it now but it will. I'm sure Mac's just trying to deal with what happened first and then you and her will be able to work this out." "No" he cried. "She doesn't love me anymore." "I doubt that" Trish scoffed as she continued to gently rub his back. "Not from what I've heard." "It's over Mom" he repeated tearfully. "I've lost the only woman I'll ever love." "Enough of that" Trish chided him gently. "You're just upsetting yourself for no reason. I'm sure once both of you have had a chance to work through your grief you'll find that none of that is true. You love Mac and I'm sure she loves you just as much." "NO" he shouted as he pulled away from her. "She hates me. She hates me and she has every reason to hate me. I killed our baby." "Harm stop it" Trish ordered. "I'm going to call the nurse if you don't calm down." "Is everything okay in here?" the nurse asked as she wandered in, having heard Harm's cries from down the hall. "No it's not" Trish sighed as she looked at her son. She'd never seen him hurting so much and it tore her heart to see him in so much pain. The nurse nodded and left the room, returning a few seconds later with a sedative that she quickly administered to her distressed patient. "Just let it go sweetheart" Trish soothed as she gently stroked Harm's forehead. "Just close your eyes and rest. I'll be here when you wake up." "She hates me" he murmured one last time before the sedative finally took effect. "She doesn't hate you" Trish whispered as she kissed his cheek. "And I'm going to see to it that you two get back together." She gave his hand one last squeeze before heading out of the room and down the hall to find a quiet corner. Once there she pulled out her cell phone and dialed the number to JAG. A few seconds later she was transferred to AJ. "Mrs. Burnett I was about to call you" AJ said once he was on the line. "I'm hoping you're calling to tell me Harm is there." "Yes he is Admiral" Trish sighed. "He's actually at the base hospital here in San Diego." "How is he?" "Better than he was when he collapsed at my front door the other night. He's still in a lot of pain and I don't think he's going to be going anywhere for a few days." "Did he tell you what happened?" AJ asked quietly. "If you mean about Mac and the baby yes" Trish sighed. "How is she?" "Hurting. Just like he is. And from what Commander Turner told me they said some pretty harsh things to each other on the way home." "He says it's his fault she lost the baby," Trish said quietly. "And that Mac hates him. I've never seen him like this before AJ." "He's still blaming himself" AJ sighed. "He's been doing that since it happened." "What happened? He was too upset to tell me everything that happened." "It's a long story. But they were on an investigation that Harm shouldn't have been on because his back was still bothering him. But he didn't share that information with me or Mac." "And that's why he's blaming himself" Trish sighed. "You know he told me he doesn't want to go back to JAG. I don't know how serious he was but he said he was going to look into positions out here." "That's what I was afraid of. He's running away so he doesn't have to face Mac again." "He doesn't even want Mac to know where he is. He freaked when I offered to call her earlier." "She is worried about him," AJ said quietly. "Despite how much she's hurting, she still cares about him." =============== Mac had just stepped from the shower, the hot water having given out about the same time as her tears had run dry, when she heard Harriet calling her name. "Colonel it's me. The Admiral sent me out. You need anything?" "What I really need is to be left alone," she called and when she heard herself realized how ungrateful and rude that sounded. "Sorry Harriet. No I'm just getting out of here. I told him I'd just go on home. Maybe you'll take me." "Ma'am my orders are to spend the day with you until relieved," she told her from the other side of the door. "He's pretty worried about you, but he didn't tell me why. Just that you had some problems on your assignment and were hurt. You sure you don't need anything in there?" "Harriet I'm fine," she snapped. "OK look, long as you're under orders to be here I guess I don't have any choice. I'll meet you on the deck. The fresh air will feel good." "Yes ma'am." Resigned to the inevitable, Mac pulled on jeans and sweater and found Harriet. She had pulled the two lounge chairs to the sunny side. "You know this isn't bad. It beats filing or listening to Bud whine about Lieutenant Singer all to hell." Mac gave her a half smile and lowered herself stiffly into the chair. She still ached in many places from the fall, and her abdominal area was sore. "He didn't tell you the particulars? That surprises me." She shrugged casually. "No ma'am. Just said you were recovering for the day at his place. I asked about Commander Rabb too and he's in San Diego with his mother so forgive me if I'm. . ." Her voice trailed off as she glimpsed the look of surprise on Mac's face. "Ma'am is that something you didn't know? I hope I didn't break a confidence, but again I'm just confused. Plus scuttlebutt is that Danny Walden was involved?" Mac drew a long breath and nodded. "Yeah he was. OK look, short version because it's all I can handle right now. About a month ago I found out I was pregnant." Harriet's gasp of surprise was so loud it startled a flock of sparrows gathered at the bird feeder and they took off in a raucous flapping of wings. "Pregnant? Really?" "And I lost the baby," Mac added hastily before Harriet could get excited. "Oh my God," she gasped, her hand to her mouth and tears in her eyes a second later. "Because of the assignment?" Mac nodded. "Because of Harm, because of Danny, because of the assignment, and because of me. Because of my own. . . " Tears that had dried returned with a vengeance and Harriet slid an awkward arm around her shoulder, trying to hand her a wad of kleenex at the same time. "Hey you don't have to say any more if you don't want to," she whispered after a few minutes. "I know after Sarah. . .well sometimes I wanted to talk and then sometimes I didn't. But I do know someone you can see at Bethesda. She's a specialist in loss, from miscarriage to SIDS babies. And Sarah, I'm so very sorry. But I'm not going to ask what I can do, because I know there's nothing except to be there." Mac nodded, her face buried in the tissue. "No there's nothing anyone can do." "It was Harm's baby right? Just so I know what's going on?" "Yeah it was, and he's blaming himself," she sniffled, giving one last wipe at her eyes. "And part of me wants to tell him it's not his fault and the other part of me won't let me do that. Won't let me comfort him because God help me I want to blame him. It somehow makes it hurt less. And then I hate myself for doing that. And then I think I want to be in his arms and then I know if he was here I would just push him away. And when I saw that like that, I'm ready to check myself into the psych ward at Bethesda. You care to drive me?" Harriet smiled and patted her hand. "You need to talk to Maribeth for sure. Honestly she'll help you sort all that out. Bud and I. . .after Sarah. . .there were times when I didn't think our marriage would survive. I know there was days I was holding on for AJ only." "You never said." She sighed and shook her head. "No need to. It was something Bud and I worked through with Maribeth's help. But this is about you now. Sadly I'm not Maribeth and I'm not sure how to help." "Right now talking about it is actually helping," she admitted. "But what I want to know is about Harm. He's in San Diego? He went to his mother? I guess I can't blame him. Harriet I told him to go to hell." "Hey I told Bud that every day for a while," she laughed. "Not really but about the same thing." "But the thing is, I don't know if he's OK. See what happened with the whole baby thing was that Danny pushed me down a ship's ladder. Harm's back was hurting him and he couldn't keep up in the chase." She shook her head, stifling a sob. Harriet understood finally. "So that's why he blames himself. And why you're blaming him?" "I'm a terrible person. And as much as I want to not be that way I can't. I get this rush of love for Harm and then just as quick I remember my empty belly and it all goes away." "But you do love him," Harriet pointed out gently. "Your mouth is denying, but your face is screaming that you do." "God Harriet, it's all so confusing" Mac wailed. "I know" Harriet said softly. "And that's why you need to talk to Maribeth. I'm going to call and see if she can get you in today." "Harriet I don't know" Mac sighed. "Mac it won't get any better unless you get help" Harriet prodded. "I know. I've been there. It's just going to destroy you if you let it. Talk to Maribeth. At least once." "All right. I'll go." "Good. I'll call her now." ************************ Base Hospital San Diego NAS He awoke again to the warm hand in his but this time he knew it wasn't Mac's. With a long sigh he forced his eyes open, looking up at Trish. "You're still here" he murmured. "I thought you were going home." "I was but after what happened earlier I wasn't sure I should leave you alone" she said quietly. "I'm fine Mom" he sighed. "You don't have to stay here with me." "Harm you're anything but okay." "I'll get through it. Somehow." Even as he said the words he knew they were a lie. There was no way he'd get through life without Mac. "Well I'm not going to let you do it alone" Trish said gently. "And I talked to AJ and told him where you where." "Did you tell him not to tell Mac?" Harm demanded. "I told you I didn't want her to know where I was." "Harm you can't run from this. And no I didn't tell him not to tell her where you are. I think she has the right to know. How else is she going to be able to talk to you when she's ready." "She'll never be ready. What part of she hates me did you not understand?" "Harm" Trish said with a long sigh. "Mom maybe you should go home" Harm sighed. "I'm not in the mood for company right now." "I'm not going anywhere," Trish said stubbornly. "Mom" Harm groaned. He just wanted some time alone to brood without her hovering over his every move. He let a silent thank you to the Man upstairs when Frank walked in moments later. "Well you look a little better than the last time I saw you" Frank smiled as he walked in. "Frank I'm glad you're here. Please take Mom home for a while. There's no reason for her to sit here all day with me." "Well that's why I stopped back" Frank replied. "I'll take her home and then I'll bring her back later." "Frank I'm not sure I want to go home just yet" Trish spoke up. "Trish you've been here all night. At least take a few hours and go home and relax for a little bit. Harm looks like he's doing just fine." "Yes I am" Harm agreed quickly. "Mom go." "All right I'll go now" she sighed as she stood up. "But I will be back later. You and I aren't finished talking about this yet." "Yes we are" Harm said stubbornly and Frank glanced curiously at the pair. "I'll explain later," Trish said to Frank. "Harm I'll be back." "And I'll still be laying here" he sighed. "We'll work on that attitude when I get back," she said as she leaned to down to drop a quick kiss on his forehead. Once he was alone he sat staring at the wall before the overwhelming urge to hear Mac's voice swept over him. He knew she was at the Admiral's and even if she didn't want to talk to him, he could at least make sure she was okay. He rang for the nurse and a few minutes later he pushed the buttons with trembling fingers. When the phone picked up on the other end he almost hung up, until he realized it wasn't Mac. "Admiral Chegwidden's residence" Harriet said efficiently. "Hello, is anyone there?" "Harriet it's Harm" he managed finally. "Sir, how are you?" Harriet asked. "I'm fine Harriet" he lied. "I just wanted to make sure Mac was okay. How is she?" "Why don't you ask her yourself?" Harriet said quietly. "I can get her. She's just outside on the deck." "No" Harm said quickly. "I don't think she wants to talk to me anyway. I just need to know she's okay. She's hurting pretty bad." "Yes she is. And I just made an appointment for her with someone that helped me get through the loss of baby Sarah." "Thank you for taking care of her" Harm whispered. "I would be there in a heartbeat if she wanted me. But I know she doesn't." "Harm that's just the hurt talking right now. She loves you just as much now as she ever did." "I wish that was the case" Harm sighed. "Just promise me you'll take care of her." "Harriet who is it?" Mac called as she walked in. "It's Harm" Harriet said as she turned to her friend. "Harm who?" "Cute Colonel," Harriet groaned, holding out the phone to her insistently. "Harriet?" Harm's voice could be heard over the phone. "Harriet you still there." "Talk to the man," Harriet urged, shaking the phone in Mac's direction. "I don't think I can." "I do," she replied, setting the phone on the counter. "And this is where I butt out. Talk to him or hang up. Your choice Colonel. I'll be in the garden." "Harriet I hate you," she yelped, only half way not serious. "Harriet damn it answer me what the hell's going on there?" Harm's voice increased an octave with each word. "Harm it's me," she said, so softly that she knew he could barely hear her. "Mac? Sarah?" he breathed into the phone. "Yeah." "Are you all right? How are you feeling? I miss you so much. Are you OK?" His words tumbled out in his anxiousness. "Harm calm," she ordered. "Yes I'm OK. I'm here with Harriet for today at the Admiral's though I'm going home tonight if I have to call the FBI and tell them I'm being held against my will. I want to sleep in my own bed and I want to be alone for a while. I've got a lot of things to work through and I can't do it with people hovering over me. Harriet wants me to see a person who helped her and I think I'm going to do that and then I'm going to insist on being taken home. . ." She paused for breath and added softly. "Sorry, I didn't mean to dump all that on you. Once I started it just all poured out." "Honey it's OK," he told her firmly. "I want to know how you are. Hell I wanted to be there to help you deal with this, but it was real obvious my presence was just going to upset you." "Harm you and I are not what each other needs right now." He drew his breath in sharply at that, the pain going straight through him. "That's how you feel?" "Yeah. And I don't like that feeling one little bit. I want to need you. I want you to need me. But if it's not in my heart then I can't pretend it. Isn't that why you left? Because you couldn't feel it for me?" "Actually no," he said, keeping his voice as calm as possible. I left because I couldn't stand that you didn't want or need me. I couldn't stay there, knowing you were so close and yet so far. That all that we had was crumbling around us after we worked so damn hard to get it. And most of all, that it's my fault. So you see you're not the only one hurting." "I never said I was," she replied. "It was your baby too." "Yes it was," he sighed. "And I. . ." She paused when she heard an unfamiliar voice in the background. "Mr. Rabb, we need to take you downstairs for treatment now." "OK thanks. I'll be ready in a second." "Harm where are you?" Mac's shriek brought Harriet on the run. "Are you in the hospital?" "Yeah I am," he admitted. "But I don't want you worrying about me. I'm just getting my back looked after, like I should have done before we went to the Bataan." "Yes you should have" she said bitterly, not able to stop the hurt from coming through in her voice. "I wouldn't have lost the baby if you had." Harriet's eyes widened at her friend's words but she said nothing. On the other end of the phone Harm took a deep breath to hold back the tears that threatened. "I'm sorry" he managed finally. "I'm so sorry for hurting you like this. I promise it will never happen again." Before she could say another word he hung up the phone. It was over. Not matter what he said or did she would never forgive him for losing the baby. The best thing he could do was stay out of her life for good. He'd only caused her pain and heartache and that was the last thing he'd ever wanted. "Mr. Rabb are you ready for your treatment now?" the nurse asked. "Yeah sure" Harm sighed. Not that it mattered anymore. If he couldn't find a position in San Diego he'd simply resign. But his mind was made up. He wasn't going back to DC again. The End Watch for the next chapter of After the Mistletoe, coming soon.