TITLE:  "After the Mistletoe IX-Perchance to Grieve”
     AUTHORS:  Anne R. and Pat Steiner
     SUMMARY: The kiss of Answered Prayers leads to more.  Rated PG for 
mild 
language. Some chapters will contain mild violence as well.
            The ninth of the After the Mistletoe series in which Harm 
and Mac deal with 
the ramifications of the mistletoe kiss.  Note that the arrival of 
Sergei is not a factor in 
this series.
     DISCLAIMER:  JAG belongs to CBS, Paramount et al.  No copyright 
infringement 
is intended with this work of fiction.
     FEEDBACK:  Never expected but always appreciated by both of us-- 
to 
[SSbpmn@aol.com].  To those who don’t find our work to their liking, we 
can respect 
that.  In that regard we ask you to respect our desire not to have that 
shared with us.

       NOTE:  All parts of this chapter plus previous chapters  will be 
available at 
                 http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AnniePatJAGstories
          No subbing is required to read from the message archives for 
registered Yahoo 
users.
     
    Other archives containing our work:
    
    http://thearchive.mine.nu:85/exlibris/ or 
http://www.netroenterprises.com/exlibrisjag
    
    or the Harm-Mac shipper archive at    
http://hmarchive.topcities.com/index2.html  
[sadly, not always up and running]

or BTL-
http://www.wtv-zone.com/trgarchive/btl/

Previously in ATM:  Mac follows Harm to San Diego where they make a new 
vow to 
work on their relationship after the tragedy of the pregnancy loss.


From the close of After the Mistletoe VIII—

"Take care of yourself sailor" she whispered. "I'll see you next week."
 
 She started to walk away and he reached for her.
 
 "You can't leave without this" he whispered as he drew her into his 
arms, 
 holding her tightly. "I love you Sarah. More than you'll ever know."
 
 "I love you too" she sniffled before stepping from his arms and 
hurrying 
 through the metal detector.
 
 He stood and watched her hurry down the concourse to her gate, not 
able to 
 take his eyes off of her until she was out of sight.
 
 "Harm" Trish said softly as she tapped his arm.
 
 "I love her Mom" he whispered as she held out her arms to him. "I love 
her 
 so much."
 
 "I know you do. And when you go back you'll make it work. I know you 
will."
 
 "I hope so Mom" he whispered. "I hope so."
 
  ============== 

“After the Mistletoe IX—Perchance to Grieve"

JAG HQ
Wed 8 Apr 02

"Good Morning Admiral."  

AJ turned to find Mac standing in the doorway of the kitchen.

"Morning Colonel.  Coffee?"

She looked startled for a moment.  "Yes please but sir you don't have 
to. . ."

"I've pulled many a mess duty," he smiled, reaching for her cup.  
"You're looking 
better than the last time you reported for duty.  How was the time 
off?"

"Productive sir.  Did some thinking, got a lot of rest and came back 
ready to work.  I 
plan to clear my desk and I hope there's something I can get into after 
that."

"Always Colonel, always," he nodded.  "May I ask if you've spoken to 
Mr. Rabb 
recently?"

"Not since we the night I got home sir.  He called to make sure that I 
had arrived 
safely, and said he would clear things up out there and be back 
shortly.  Have you 
sir?  Talked with him that is?"

AJ gave her a small smile.  "I have an email saying basically the same 
thing.  And 
that he was awaiting clearance from the doctors there.  Apparently his 
back is still 
giving him a little pain?"

"Yes sir I suspect so," she nodded.  "But it's probably something he's 
going to have 
to live with all his life.  And his shoulder too sir was pretty sore."

"Well I don't want him coming back before he's a hundred percent. . ."

Before he could continue, Sturgis arrived and broke into a broad grin 
when he saw 
Mac.  "Colonel good to see you," he yelped and gave her a quick hug.  
"And good 
morning to you too sir," he added lamely.

"Don't even come near me," AJ growled playfully.  "Excuse me.  I'm 
expecting a 
conference call.  Commander I'm glad I caught you though--help the 
Colonel get 
back up to speed on what's been happening around here please.  Colonel 
if you don't 
have lunch plans, I'd like you to join me."

"Uh. . . no sir.  Yes sir I'd like that," she stammered.

"So how's the old man?" Sturgis grinned when they were alone.  "I miss 
him.  Bud is 
no fun to rag on."

"He's going to be OK I think," she smiled, wishing she sounded more 
convinced.  She 
had picked up the phone many times to call him, putting it down just as 
quickly.  He 
knew her number she felt.
==================
SAN DIEGO INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT
Starbucks

"Mom, thanks for the coffee," Harm smiled, "despite the fact that it's 
the ass-crack of 
dawn.  Sorry I couldn't get a flight at a more decent hour.  But I told 
you I'd be glad to 
get a cab."

"No way," she laughed lightly.  "I mean god knows when I'll next see 
you.  And I miss 
Sarah already.  She's a special person Harm."

"Yes she is," he agreed, "and for that reason you may be seeing me 
sooner than you 
think."

"OK now you've lost me.  Unless you and her are talking a wedding on 
the beach."

"I wish," he muttered.  "No seriously Mom.  I told the people at the 
NAS not to lose 
my name because I could be contacting them again."

"Oh Harm you don't mean that," she sighed.

"I do Mom, with every fiber of my being.  I love her so much, and if my 
going back 
there does nothing but bring her pain, then I'm not staying.  If my 
being there is going 
to just remind her of the baby we lost forget it.  I'm leaving her life 
if that's the case."

"Oh give it a rest Tallulah.  Oscar nominations are over with," she 
groaned.  "Drink 
your coffee but let me tell you that you and the lovely Colonel have 
something so 
special between you that it's palatable to people who are around you.  
She and I had 
a lot of good talks at the hospital.  She loves you son.  You love 
her."

He swallowed the last of his coffee in one gulp, checking his watch.  
"Mom, 
sometimes love is not enough.  I love her, I will never stop loving 
her, but we may not 
be able to be together despite that--or because of that I don't know."

"But you're going back to her."

"No ma'am.  I'm going back to D.C. and JAG because I care about her and 
us 
enough that I think that's the right move.  But I'm moving back to my 
place, and if 
Mac and I can find a common ground on that basis---if we---well that's 
what I pray for.  
If we can't--if my being there is just causing her pain, well I love 
her too much for that 
and I owe it to her--and myself--to leave her be."

 "I hope that's not the case but you know whatever happens, I'm here 
for you" 
 Trish said softly. "You're always welcome to stay with me and Frank."
 
 "Thanks Mom" he said as he stood up and moments later he gave her a 
long 
 hug. "Go home and get some sleep."
 
 "Call me so I know you're home safe" she said as she finally let go. 
"I 
 worry about you a lot and I just want to know you're okay."
 
 "Mom" he groaned. "I'll be fine. I'll call you in a few days once I'm 
 settled at my place again."
 
 One last hug and he made his way through security and down the long 
 concourse to the boarding gate. He hoped he wouldn't be back soon but 
he 
 would find out once he got back to DC. Deep down inside he hoped they 
could 
 make it work but there was always that chance that it was too late.
 
 Hours later he pushed his aching body from the seat as the plane came 
to a 
 halt at the gate at Dulles. He grabbed his luggage and minutes later 
hailed 
 a cab to his place. Once there he dropped his bags and with a long 
sigh 
 decided he should go to Mac's and get his stuff from there. He was on 
his 
 way to her place when an idea struck him. A small smile crossed his 
face and 
 instead of heading to her place detoured to one of the local grocery 
stores. 
 He had just enough time before she'd be home to plan something nice 
for her.
 
 He strolled through the grocery store; finally deciding to make 
stuffed 
 manicotti for dinner. He was on his way to the checkouts when he 
noticed the 
 small florist shop in the store.
 
 "Can I help you sir?" the older woman asked as he perused the cases of 
 flowers.
 
 "I think I found what I need" Harm smiled as he reached for the dozen 
long 
 stem red roses.
 
 "Dinner and roses" she smiled as she looked in his basket. "Lucky 
lady."
 
 "She deserves it after putting up with me" Harm admitted sheepishly.
 
 "Ah, you're in the dog house for something. Well this should help out. 
Let 
 me get a box for those roses."
 
 A short time later he was back on his way to Mac's place with his 
shopping 
 complete. He hurried up the stairs to her place and let himself him. 
At once 
 his senses were assaulted with the smell of her perfume and for a 
moment he 
 closed his eyes and just took in the smell of her. He'd missed her so 
much 
 and for a moment he wasn't sure how they were going to start over. Not 
when 
 they'd come this far.
 
 "Suck it up Rabb" he murmured to himself as he walked to the bedroom. 
He 
 would get his stuff in the car first, so they wouldn't have a long 
scene 
 later. It would be easier this way in case dinner didn't go as he 
planned.
 
 ************
 JAG HQ's
 Two Hours Later
 
 With a long sigh Mac dropped the phone down again. She'd finally made 
 herself call Trish's number, only to get the machine. She hung up; 
knowing 
 there was no way she could leave a message.
 
 "Going home soon Colonel?" Sturgis asked as he stuck his head in her 
office.
 
 "Yeah I guess so" Mac sighed as she stood up.
 
 "Mac you know if you need to talk, I'm here," Sturgis said gently. "I 
don't 
 pretend to know what happened between you and Harm and if you tell me 
it's 
 none of my business I'll leave you alone. But you're looking like you 
could 
 use someone to talk to. Course I think the person you really want to 
talk to 
 isn't here."
 
 "We did talk. And he said he'd be back. And that we'd start again."
 
 "Then why do you look so glum? He'll come back and you two will find a 
way 
 to make it work. You love him don't you?"
 
 "With all my heart. But sometimes that isn't enough. I don't know 
Sturgis. 
 So much has happened this time I don't know if we can fix it. Maybe if 
I 
 hadn't lost the baby we could make it work."
 
 "You don't blame him for that do you?" he asked.
 
 "I try not to" she said with a long sigh. "But sometimes I can't help 
it."
 
 "You know it's not uncommon for the loss of a baby to tear a couple 
apart. 
 Have you thought about talking to someone about it?"
 
 "I've been to see Harriet's friend. And that helped."
 
 "Have you considered a support group for folks who've been through 
what you 
 went through?" Sturgis asked. "Years ago my Dad used to help out 
people with 
 that. I'm sure there's a support group in the area. That way you could 
talk 
 to people who've been through what you have."
 
 "I'll look into it," she said as she reached for her briefcase. 
"Goodnight. 
 I'll see you tomorrow."
 
 He watched her walk out and with a long sigh headed back to his 
office. He 
 picked up the phone and dialed.
 
 "Dad it's Sturgis. You remember that group you used to help counsel? 
The 
 parent's who'd lost their babies. Is that still around?"
 
 *****************
 Harm looked anxiously at the clock, hoping Mac would be home soon. 
 Everything was ready, he just needed her. He'd thought about calling 
JAG and 
 seeing if she was still there but didn't want to ruin the surprise.
 
 The sound of footsteps and the key in the door alerted him that she 
was 
 there and he took a deep breath as she walked in the door.
 
 "Harm" she gasped.
 
 "Hi" he said with a small smile. "I uh, wanted to surprise you."
 
 "You did that," she said quietly. "When did you get back?"
 
 "This afternoon. I stopped by to get my stuff and decided while I was 
here I 
 could make you dinner."
 
 "You made me dinner?"
 
 "Yeah, it's part of that beginning thing we talked about" he said 
softly. "I 
 hope you don't mind. If you'd rather I just left, I can do that too."
 
 "And waste this great smelling food?  I think not," she laughed.  "You 
need to eat, I 
need to eat--there's food.  Let's do it."  She took a long breath and 
looked at him from 
head to toe.   "You're looking better but I still see pain in your 
face," she said finally, 
letting her fingertips scrape across his cheek just slightly.

"Oh it hurts," he admitted with a wry smile.  "I'm not sure I'm ever 
going to be totally 
pain-free at this point, but if that's the worst thing I have to endure 
in my life. . .well so 
be it.  I'm going to call tomorrow for an evaluation.  The therapy 
helped before and it 
will again.  Eventually it will get manageable."

"OK," she nodded, swallowing hard.  "I'm really glad. . . .You're 
here."  Her words 
were separated by a gasp of surprise as she saw the roses in the center 
of the dining 
room table.  "Oh Harm they're beautiful," she whispered tearfully.

"Hey they're not supposed to make you cry," he chided her, reaching 
hesitantly for 
her.  She was enfolded in his embrace a second later, and he kissed her 
damp 
cheeks.  "Why don't you get out of that uniform and I'll dish up the 
pasta, and we can 
talk.  OK?"

"I'd like that," she sighed, allowing herself another few seconds of 
his embrace.  
When she walked into the bedroom and opened the closet she could not 
suppress a 
sharp gasp of pain when she saw his side had been emptied.

"You OK?"

"Yeah fine, just stubbed my toe," she called.  Even though her head 
knew that for 
them to part was exactly what each needed right now, the knowledge did 
not lessen 
the pain in her heart.

At first they limited their dinner conversation to talk of JAG, Mac 
giving Harm an 
update as best she could after only a day back herself.  

"I'm sure my desk is as full as yours," he moaned.  "But at the same 
time it's going to 
be good to get back.  Too much lying around, not to mention what I'm 
going to miss 
when I re-start my therapy."

"Harm I'm thinking about getting some grief counseling," she spoke up 
after a 
moment.

"Excuse me?"

"Well talking to Maribeth helped a lot with the actual coming to terms 
with the baby's 
death," she said slowly.  "But this would be with other women. . .in 
fact other couples 
as I understand it. . .who've lost someone they loved.  Sturgis 
suggested it in fact.  
Maybe you would be interested?. . . ."  Her voice trailed off and she 
watched his face 
hopefully.

"Uh Mac. . .I don't want to just say no," he responded carefully, "but 
do you have any 
idea how hard it is for me to talk to you--or mom even?  About personal 
stuff I mean.  
You know Renee used to harp that I never opened up to her.  I didn't.  
I couldn't.  And 
I was sleeping with her.  Think how I'd be in a room full of strangers.  
I'd sit there like 
a total jackass unable to speak."

He looked the picture of misery and she felt a wave of sympathy for 
him, reaching to 
cover his hand with hers.  "Harm it's OK, really.  I haven't even 
decided for sure for 
myself.  And the last thing I'd do is pressure you into something you 
don't want to 
do."

"Thanks," he breathed and added, "but I haven't outrightly refused 
either.  Just not 
sure it would be worthwhile."

"Yeah," she nodded, keeping herself from voicing that even if he did 
not speak, he 
could go to be supportive of her should she decide to go.  No, he would 
need to 
reach that conclusion of his own accord.

He pushed back his plate after a few more bites.  "I'll clean this up 
and then be out of 
your hair."

"NO," she yelped.  "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that to come out so 
desperately needy.  
Please, unless you're in a hurry, we could watch some TV.  I'm not 
really wanting to 
be alone another evening."

"You sure?" he asked as she motioned for him to follow her to the sofa. 
"I 
  mean I didn't plan on staying. I just wanted to make you a nice 
dinner and 
  let you know I was back in town."
  
  "I gathered that from the fact that all your stuff is gone" she said 
  quietly.
  
  "That's what we agreed to right?"
  
  "It's for the best" she nodded. "But you are welcome to stay for a 
while. 
  I'm not going to throw you out after you cooked that wonderful meal."
  
  They situated themselves on the sofa, Harm staying to his side of the 
sofa.
  
  "I don't bite," she said with a small smile. "And I won't hurt you if 
you 
  put your arm around me."
  
  "I didn't know," he said softly as he scooted closer to her, draping 
his arm 
  around the back of her shoulders. "I didn't want to assume anything. 
Right 
  now I just want us to get along."
  
  "And we're doing that aren't we?"
  
  "Yeah we are" he smiled. "So is there anything good on or not?"
  
  They finally found a movie neither had seen and for the next two 
hours 
  settled comfortably against each other. Harm did his best to keep his 
mind 
  on the movie but he'd missed the woman in his arms so much the past 
few 
  weeks.
  
  "Harm you still with me?" Mac asked as she realized he was zoning on 
her.
  
  "Yeah, just a little tired," he admitted. "I had an early flight out 
of San 
  Diego this morning."
  
  "You look beat," she said softly, her hand reaching up to gently 
stroke his 
  cheek. "I wish you didn't have to leave."
  
  "So do I" he whispered, leaning forward for a kiss. Their lips met in 
a 
  gentle kiss and as she started to pull away he reached for her, 
drawing her 
  closer. "I've missed you so much" he whispered before his lips found 
hers 
  again. This time the kiss was anything but the gentle, the pent up 
desire 
  finally unleashed again.
  
  "Sarah" he panted as they finally broke to take a breath. "Oh god, 
I've 
  missed you so much." His hands reached under her shirt as their lips 
met 
  again.
  
  "Harm no" Mac said suddenly as she pushed him away and quickly stood 
up from 
  the sofa. "This isn't what we're supposed to be doing."
  
  "No it's not," he said with a long sigh. "And I'm so sorry. I'd 
better leave 
  now before I do something else stupid."
  
  "Harm" Mac sighed. "You didn't do anything wrong. We both were 
getting 
  caught up in the moment again."
  
  "Well at least you stopped us this time" he said quietly. "And I am 
sorry. I 
  didn't intend for anything like that to happen. But I guess I'd 
missed you 
  more than I realized."
  
  "Me or my body" The words tumbled out before she could stop them and 
she 
  didn't miss the look of hurt that crossed over his face.
  
  "Mac I love you" he whispered. "But if you think the only reason I'm 
with 
  you is because of what happens in the bedroom, then we're farther 
apart than 
  I realized."
  
  "Harm I didn’t mean that to sound like that" Mac whispered.
  
  "Maybe you did" he sighed. "And maybe I made a mistake coming back 
here. 
  Hell I don't know Mac. I love you but maybe it's just not going to 
work for 
  us. Maybe too much has happened to make it right."
  
  "Can't we at least try?" Mac said quietly.
  
  "I want to Mac. But it's hard to go back to the beginning after 
everything 
  we've been through. But I'm willing to give it a try. And if I screw 
it up 
  again, I promise I'll be out of your life."
  
  "That's not what I want" she whispered. "I want us to make this 
work."
  
  "So do I. But if I'm hurting you again, I won't stay. I promised 
myself that 
  if this didn't work I would go before I hurt you more."
  
  "You'd leave? JAG and all your friends here?"
  
  "Yes I would. I won't ruin your life Mac. If I can't make you happy 
maybe 
  there's someone else who can."
  
  "Don't even say that" Mac sniffled. "I love you Harm and I don't want 
this 
  to be it for us. I want us to make this work. But I'm scared and I'm 
still 
  trying to deal with the baby and sometimes everything seems so out of 
  control."
  
  "I'm sorry" he whispered as he stood up and reached a gentle hand to 
wipe 
  away the few tears that had escaped. "I'm so sorry. I wish I could go 
back 
  and make everything right. You have no idea how much I wish I could 
do that. 
  But I can't."
  
  "I know" she whispered. "This is what happened and we have to deal 
with it."
  
  He nodded and walked towards the door. "I'm sorry I ruined the 
evening. I 
  promise that if we try this again I won't do anything like that 
again."
  
  "Thank you for dinner" she said softly as she followed him to the 
door.
  
  "Goodnight Sarah" he said as he walked out the door. He turned and 
looked at 
  her again, fighting the urge to walk back in and hold her tightly.
  
  "Goodnight Harm" she whispered. "Drive safely. Will you call me when 
you get 
  home so I know you're okay?"
  
  "I'll call you but its going to be a long time before I'm okay" he 
said 
  quietly before closing the door.
 
 Her heart ached for him, and for herself, as she got ready for bed, so 
much so that 
by the time the phone rang forty minutes later she was almost ready to 
tell him to 
come back over.  "Harm," she gasped into the phone, having flung 
herself over the 
bed to grab it.
 
 "Yeah, are you OK?"  His words tumbled out in concern.
 
 "Yeah of course I am," she sighed.  "You're in safe yourself?"
 
 "About to tuck myself in," he replied.  "Good night again.  See you in 
the morning."
 
 "Yes you will."  That thought made her smile.  They would be working 
together, 
sharing cases, and somehow, what was before would be again.  When the 
time was 
right.
 
 "Mac. . .Mac answer me.  You still there?"
 
 Harm's now-frantic voice broke into her reverie.
 
 "Yeah Harm.  Sorry.  I drifted away.  Look you're tired.  Get some 
rest.  See you in 
the morning."
 
 "Good night honey."  The tenderness in his tone brought another tear 
to her eye and 
she quickly clicked off the phone.  "Good night Harm.  I love you," she 
whispered, 
only after the connection was broken.
 
 And across ten miles of city streets a Naval commander set the phone 
down, 
whispering, "I love you Sarah."
 ===========
 JAG HQ
 Following Morning
 
 "Good morning Commander.  Staff call commenced ten minutes previous."  
AJ's 
voice was not harsh but rather welcoming and Harm looked sheepish as he 
entered 
the room.
 
 "Yes sir, sorry.  Good morning all.  No excuse sir.  Just hard to get 
the body moving."  
His gaze rested on Mac and she let out the breath she had been pretty 
much holding 
since the time he should have been there had passed.
 
 "The Colonel was envisioning you in a six car pile up on I66 and hence 
we haven't 
accomplished much," AJ spoke again, voicing her exact thoughts.
 
 "Sorry sir, and I would have called but dead cell phone.  May I ask 
the Admiral's 
indulgence while I try to get myself together."
 
 "Commander I have indulged you for years," AJ smiled.  "I don't see 
myself stopping 
now.  So let me indulge you with a welcome back case."  He slid a thick 
folder across 
to him.  "Gunnery Sergeant Ronald Howell, attempted murder.  Have fun.  
I want you 
to work with Lieutenant Roberts on this one.  Colonel, Mr. Turner, 
before the screams 
of protest, I have another goodie for the two of you.  Another Jarhead 
in fact.  Lance 
Corporal Robert White, distribution of child pornography."
 
 "Trade my pornographer for your would-be murderer," Sturgis grinned to 
Harm who 
glared at him. He had wanted to work with Mac and he dared a glance to 
her, hoping 
he could read that same emotion in her face.  It was there, just for a 
second it was 
there and he nodded slightly.
 
 "On to more mundane things people," AJ continued.
======== 
 It was shortly after noon that Sturgis knocked at Harm's door.  "Rabb.  
Lunch.  Now."
 
 "Actually Sturgis I was going to see if Mac was busy."
 
 "She is.  She's having lunch with me," he grinned.  "And you're 
joining us."
 
 "Well far be it for me to be a third wheel" he growled, feeling 
vaguely disquieted at 
the idea of Sturgis and Mac.
 
 "How about if you just not be a moron," Sturgis groaned, reading his 
thoughts at 
once.  "I want to take you guys out to a welcome back lunch.  Can you 
handle that?"
 
 "I'd like that, thanks," he sighed.  "Sorry.  I'm a little touchy 
about a lot of things 
lately, and this pain that won't give it up isn't helping."
 
 "I heard that," Mac called, coming to join them.  "Did you make the 
call Flyboy?"
 
 "Yes mother," he sighed again.  "I'm leaving at 1400 to have a 
physical and talk to 
the therapist."
 
 "OK then," she nodded, resting her hand on his arm.  "It's pretty bad 
isn't it?"
 
 "Would shooting me be out of the question?  Seriously it's not like it 
was just after 
the crash, or even like at Ft. Drum.  I just know I can't do this the 
rest of my life."
  
  "I'm sorry," she said quietly. "I wish there was something I could do 
to 
  help."
  
  "I'll manage somehow," he said with a forced smile. "So where are you 
taking 
  us? La Tours?"
  
  "Get real Rabb" Sturgis laughed. "Do I look like I have that kind of 
money 
  to spend on lunch. And if I did I'd be taking Lucy out and not you."
  
  "Speaking of which, how is she?" Harm asked as the trio walked to the 
  elevator.
  
  "She's fine. Asked how you two were doing. She's coming up this 
weekend. 
  Maybe we could all get together and go out Saturday night."
  
  "Uh, I think we may have to pass on that," Harm said quietly as he 
looked 
  over at Mac.
  
  "Why is that?" Sturgis asked as the doors to the elevator closed. 
"You both 
  look like you could use a night out."
  
  "Sturgis we've sort of taken a break" Mac spoke up.
  
  "Don't tell me you're splitting up" Sturgis demanded.
  
  "No we're just going to try and start over again," Mac said quietly. 
"If 
  it's possible."
  
  Her words made Harm flinch and he quickly looked away from Sturgis 
and Mac. 
  He had hoped she was keeping an open mind about them being together 
again 
  but with her words he wasn't sure that was the case.
  
  "Well of course it's possible," Sturgis said finally. "You two love 
each 
  other and you belong together. I know you've been through a lot but 
you'll 
  make it through this rough time. Have you considered the counseling I 
  mentioned?"
  
  "Harm doesn't want to go." The words tumbled out in an accusatory 
tone 
  before she could stop them and at once she knew she'd hurt him again.
  "I'm sorry. That didn't come out right."
  
  "I think it might be a good idea if we just didn't talk about us 
during 
  lunch" Harm said quietly. "Otherwise Sturgis is going to wish he'd 
never 
  invited us to lunch."
  
  "Hey I'm sorry if I stuck my nose in where it didn't belong" Sturgis 
spoke 
  up. "Look, you two are both good friends and I want you to know I'm 
here to 
  help if you need someone. Thanks to Dad I've become a pretty good 
listener."
  
  "Thanks Sturgis" Mac said finally. "And Harm is right. This will work 
better 
  if we don't talk about us."
  
  "Understood. As long as you two promise me you're talking about it 
and 
  trying to work it out."
  
  "We're trying" Harm murmured.
  
  Lunch passed with no mention of their relationship, Sturgis instead 
bringing 
  them up to date on the happenings of JAG while they'd been gone. It 
wasn't 
  until Mac left the table to go to the ladies room that Sturgis looked 
over 
  at Harm.
  
  "I didn't realize you two were this far apart," he said quietly. "I 
did hear 
  the rumor that you didn't plan to come back here."
  
  "And I still might not stay" Harm sighed. "If we can't make it work, 
I'm out 
  of here Sturgis. It's going to be too hard for both of us to be here 
if 
  we're not together."
  
  "Why can't you be together?"
  
  "Sturgis it's not that easy. Yes we love each other. But at the same 
time 
  we've hurt each other a lot and it just might not be fixable this 
time."
  
  "So talk to someone who can help you. That's why I suggested the 
counselor 
  to Mac."
  
  "Yeah and thanks for doing that" Harm said irritably. "You see how 
upset she 
  was that I won't go with her."
  
  "So go with her. What's the big deal?"
  
  "The big deal is I don't like to talk to people about how I feel" 
Harm 
  retorted. "I have a hard enough time talking to Mac. Add in a group 
and you 
  can just forget it."
  
  "So go for support. You don't have to talk, just be there for her."
  
  "Sturgis I know what will happen if I go. Someone will try and get me 
to 
  talk and I won't want to and it's just going to get ugly. I'd rather 
just 
  avoid the whole thing."
  
  "Harm sometimes you need someone else to help you work through stuff. 
Mac 
  obviously does. And I think you do too."
  
  Before Harm reply Mac returned to the table, giving both of them a 
curious 
  look when Harm glared at Sturgis.
  
  "Did I miss something boys?" Mac asked.
  
  "No you didn't" Sturgis sighed as he looked at Harm. "You two ready?"
  
  The ride back was made in silence, Harm staring out the window and 
ignoring 
  the fact that Mac and Sturgis were in the car.
  
  "You okay?" Mac asked when they arrived back at JAG and she helped 
him from 
  the car as Sturgis hurried inside.
  
  "Yeah I'm fine," he said quietly. "Go on. You don't have to wait for 
me."
  
  "I don't mind. And now that Sturgis isn't with us you can tell me 
what you 
  two were arguing about at lunch."
  
  "We weren't arguing" Harm sighed. "We just had a difference of 
opinion about 
  something."
  
  "And that something would be something to do with us?" she asked 
quietly.
  
  "Look I'd rather not get into this again. Can we just let it go for 
now?"
  
  "Sure whatever you say" Mac sighed. The Rabb wall was going up again 
and she 
  knew that it wasn't going to be easy to get him to open up again.
 
 She walked him to his office, making sure he was seated comfortably.  
"I've got 
client meeting in ten," she said as she released her hold of him.  
"You?"
 
 "Leaving at 1400 remember," he replied, trying without total success 
to keep any 
irritation from his voice.
 
 "Yes I do remember," she snapped.  "Sorry.  I have a lot on my mind 
just like you do.  
Well since I won't be back before then, take it easy and see you 
tomorrow I suppose.  
Drive safe."
 
 "Yeah you too," he told her, turning his attention to his computer 
screen.
 
 She watched him for another few seconds before turning quietly to go.  
So much of 
what they had vowed to each other was turning out to be just so much 
talk.  Such 
things about one never again leaving the other, their lives not working 
when they 
were apart and most of all, three simple little words.
 
 He was gone when she returned and Sturgis was in her office waiting 
for her.  "Mac 
good news on your old Pensacola case--Ensign Muskee.  He's confessed 
and is 
asking for a deal."
 
 "If it helps me clear a pending, he's got it," she muttered, putting 
down her folder pile 
with a large slam.  "Sorry, that wasn't aimed at you."
 
 "Thank you," he smiled.  "OK listen up.  Lucy is coming up Friday 
afternoon.  
Saturday night I'm going to get four tickets to the Kennedy Center no 
matter who I 
have to kill and I want you and Harm to join us.  Please.  Dinner first 
and then the 
concert.  Please."
 
 She looked up with a pained expression.  "Give it a rest Turner.  We 
told you we're 
kind of taking a break  right now.  We both need to step back and get 
some 
perspective.  Too much too soon too fast.  You know that story."
 
 "Yes I do, and that's part of the past.  You said you were starting 
over.  Part of that is 
letting that past go," he told her firmly.  
 
 "I know.  Logically I know all that.  Look I'm seriously going to this 
grief group thing.  
Can you find out for me?"
 
 "You going alone?"
 
 "Yes I am, unless a certain commander changes his mind."
 
 "Well if he doesn't, you know I'll go."
 
 She froze in place, giving a long sigh.  "Really?  You'd do that for 
me?"
 
 "Yeah--don't be so surprised huh.  I happen to care about you--you're 
a good friend, 
and since I was there almost from the start of you two, then I can be 
there to help 
pick up the pieces."
 
 "You are a good friend too," she whispered, touching the back of her 
hand to his 
cheek.  "Maybe you'd call your dad and fix it.  Then if Harm still 
isn't willing, I would 
love to have you go with me.  Thanks."
 =========
 BETHESDA NAVAL HOSPITAL
 2 Hours Later
 
 "Commander Rabb?"
 
 Harm wheeled around at the sound of his name, startled to find an 
attractive woman 
in her late twenties, a lab coat over scrubs and her auburn hair piled 
on top of her 
head as if she was wearing a military uniform.
 
 "Yes ma'am."
 
 "OK stop that right now," she smiled.  "My name is Samantha Malloy.  
Sam if we 
really get to know each other."
 
 "Harm," he smiled.  "And you're going to be my therapist this go 
round?"
 
 "Yes I am.  I drew the short straw."
 
 "Does that mean you lost or you won?  I'm sure my reputation as a 
horrible patient 
preceded me?"
 
 "All in your file," she smiled.  "Says here you made Ellie Madison 
cry."
 
 "Bad day," he muttered.  "But yeah I'm not good with this.  I have 
little patience, I get 
easily frustrated, and I think why me all the time.  Maybe you want to 
back out now 
while you're unscathed."
 
 "Commander what ever you can throw, I can catch," she retorted.  "Now 
why don't 
we have a look at the damage so I can draw up your treatment program."
 ==================
 JAG HQ
 2 Days later
 
 The two days passed quietly with Harm and Mac having no contact that 
was not 
related to JAG.  At quitting time on the second day Harm stopped at 
Mac's office to 
pass her two case files.  Hearing her on the phone he stopped outside 
the door, not 
meaning to listen but not able to avoid it.  
 
 "Yeah I'm leaving now. . . .Oh you don't have to do that. . . OK yeah 
we both have to 
eat.  The Jade Buddha would be great thanks.  I'll see you there.  
Thanks."
 
 Harm's breath caught painfully in his throat.  Mac was having dinner 
with someone.   
For a long minute he stood outside the office, out of her line of 
sight, not sure how he 
felt, not sure how he should react.
 
 "Harm why are you lurking outside my office?" she demanded, coming 
through the 
door and trying to shrug into her coat at the same time.
 
 "Sorry I. . .I wanted to give you these files and then you were on the 
phone. . .and 
then I didn't know if I should interrupt and now you're leaving."
 
 "Lurking and stammering," she frowned.  "Commander are you OK?"
 
 "Yeah I am," he told her, finding his voice.  "Obviously you've got 
plans.  This can 
wait."
 
 "It's going to have to.  I have plans."
 
 "I just said that."
 
 "Sorry.  I've got a lot on my mind," she said softly.
 
 "Anything you want to share?"
 
 "Harm I am in a total time crunch here please," she protested, not 
wanting to remind 
him she was going to the support group.  When she had mentioned it the 
day before 
he had been non-committal and she did not care to bring it up again.  
If it was 
important to him, he would have remembered she felt.  "Let me call you 
later."

"Are you going on a date?"
  
  If he'd slapped her she wouldn't have been more surprised. Somehow 
she 
  managed to maintain her calm, though at that moment she was anything 
but.
  
  "Actually I'm going to the counseling group that I mentioned 
yesterday," she 
  said quietly. "The one you couldn't be bothered to go to with me. 
Someone 
  else has offered to go with me. A friend who cares."
  
  This time it was her words that surprised him and for a moment he 
just 
  looked at her.
  
  "I'm sorry" he managed finally.
  
  "I have to go," she said as she pushed past him. "I'll talk to you 
later."
  
  He watched her go, hating himself even more. He was doing exactly 
what he 
  hadn't wanted to do. Hurting her again. Maybe it had been wrong to 
come back 
  to DC. Maybe he should have just stayed in San Diego.
  
  His ringing phone pulled him from his thoughts and he hurried as best 
he 
  could to answer it.
  
  "Rabb" he said tersely.
  
  "I guess I don't have to ask how things are going" Trish said 
quietly. "Your 
  voice says it all."
  
  "Hi Mom" he said as he slumped into his chair, feeling the familiar 
twinge 
  of pain as he did so. "How are you?"
  
  "Better question is how are you?"
  
  "I'm here" he sighed. "Though you might be getting a visitor again 
real 
  soon."
  
  "You and Mac aren't working things out?"
  
  "No Mom, we're just as far away as we were when I was out there. And 
  honestly, I don't think we can fix it this time."
  
  "Do you want me to talk to Mac?" Trish offered.
  
  "NO" he shouted. "Mom please. I know you mean well but this is 
between me 
  and Mac. There's nothing anyone can do to fix it but us."
  
  "I'm sorry dear," Trish said gently. "I wish there was something I 
could do 
  to help."
  
  "There isn't," he said miserably. "And I don't mean to cut you short 
but I 
  have to get to therapy. I'll talk to you later."
  
  He barely waited for her goodbye before hanging up, letting out a 
long sigh 
  as he did. His life sucked and he had no one to blame but himself.
  
  ************
  "Grouchy today aren't we?" Sam smiled as Harm finished his therapy. 
"I think 
  I can count on one hand the number of words you've spoken since you 
got 
  here. Am I that bad of company?"
  
  "Sorry, I'm just in a really bad mood today" he sighed. "I figured 
I'd just 
  keep my mouth shut instead of taking it out on you."
  
  "I told you I could handle anything you dish out Commander."
  
  "Well you don't need me dumping on you for no reason."
  
  "I'm a good listener if you need an ear," she said softly. "Sometimes 
that 
  helps. Not always but sometimes."
  
  "I appreciate the offer but I trust me, it's a long pathetic story 
and you'd 
  be bored to tears in a matter of minutes. Besides I'm sure you've got 
better 
  things to do than listen to me."
  
  "I've got plenty of time. And I'm going to be honest and tell you 
that 
  whatever is bothering you you need to talk about. You're not 
concentrating 
  on your therapy, which means I'm wasting my time. And yours. And I 
don't 
  think that's what you want to do."
  
  "I'll try more tomorrow" Harm sighed. "I guess I just wasn't in the 
mood 
  today."
  
  "No you weren't," she said gently. "Come on, I'll buy you a cup of 
coffee in 
  the cafeteria and if you want you can tell me what's troubling you."
  
  "Honest you don't have to do that. Isn't your husband going to be 
waiting 
  for you at home?" He'd noticed the ring the first day they'd met; not 
  surprised she was married.
  
  "No actually he isn't," she said quietly. "My husband is dead."
  
  "Oh god, I'm sorry" Harm said quickly. "See I talk and something 
stupid 
  comes out."
  
  "It's okay Harm. Mitch has been gone for over ten years. I leave the 
ring on so I 
  don't get all kinds of weirdo's hitting on me when I go out."
  
  "I'm so sorry. How did he die?"
  
  "Mitch was a pilot like you," she said quietly. "Air Force though. He 
was 
  killed during a routine flight right after the Gulf War. He'd 
survived the 
  war only to be killed a week after he returned from the Gulf."
  
  "How long were you married?" Harm asked gently.
  
  "Two years. But he was gone most of it."
  
  "I'm sorry. I'm sure it wasn't easy for you."
  
  "I have Mitchell Jr.," she said with a small smile. "A product of one 
of 
  Mitch's weekend passes. He's ten and he's my world right now. And my 
job of 
  course. Without him and this I would have gone crazy."
  
  "Well you might now that you have me as a patient" Harm smiled. "I'm 
sure I 
  don't make your job easy."
  
  "I like challenges Harm" she smiled. "And yes you're a challenge. But 
I 
  think we can find some common ground. And now that I've told you 
something 
  about me, how about we find that coffee and you tell me something 
about 
  you."
  
 He drew in his breath sharply at her suggestion.  "Sam I'm not one to 
open up real 
easily," he sighed.  "It's a fault and it's a big one."
 
 "Not necessarily," she said softly, guiding him down the hall to the 
hospital's food 
court.  "I mean there's nothing wrong with being a private person.  On 
the other hand, 
to me you seem so easy to talk to.  I mean there are people here that I 
see every day 
who have no idea about Mitch and Mitch junior.  Other than the pictures 
on my desk I 
mean."
 
 "Maybe it's my winning smile," he told her.  
 
 They were seated with coffee before either spoke again.  "It's not 
easy to lose the 
one you love," he said softly, blinking back an unwanted tear as Mac's 
face swam 
before him.  "And there's been no one else for you?"
 
 "Oh a couple of possibles along the way, but then I compare them to 
Mitch and they 
lose out big time," she admitted.  "And MJ and I have a pretty good 
life.  I make 
enough here to afford a good school for him.  We live with my mother 
and she's there 
for him when he gets home, and his friends are welcome.  Things that 
are important 
to a ten year old.  If I do go out she's there to put him to bed.  This 
job is great.  Good 
people to work with, I get to meet people like you, and I'm going on 
about me again 
when I want to hear about you.  Your file says you're an aviator."  She 
took a long 
drink of her coffee before adding, "and never married."
 
 "Married to the Navy maybe," he smiled.  "Yeah I keep up my quals to 
fly, but the 
main part of my life is at JAG in Falls Church.  I'm a senior attorney 
there."
 
 "And what do you do in your off duty time?"
 
 "I have an old plane I keep up, an antique bi-plane," he grinned.  "In 
fact I have a 
picture of her."   He withdrew his wallet to show her, opening it 
without thinking.  
 
 "Nice plane, and nice looking lady," she smiled.  "Someone special is 
she?"
 
 "She is," he admitted.  "Very.  But we're not. . ."  He shrugged 
helplessly, staring at 
the picture of Mac taken at the charity run.  
 
 "Not together right now?" Sam supplied gently.
 
 "Bingo," he smiled.  "Long-very long-story and I come off badly in it.  
I suspect as 
you work with me though bits and pieces will come out, along with 
epithets and 
curses.  At least I don't have to worry about you falling in love with 
me."
 
 "Now that sounds like a challenge. . .or a dare," she grinned.
 ===========================
 JAG HQ
 
 "Colonel you whipped my six in there big time," Sturgis grinned as 
they walked from 
the courtroom.  "The least you could do is buy me lunch."
 
 "Actually I have lunch plans," she smiled, "raincheck OK?"
 
 "Yeah you've got it.  Harm beat me to you."
 
 "Yes. . .uh no," she stammered.
 
 "OK I think I'll butt out."
 
 "No please.  You remember the guy I was sitting next to in group.  His 
name is Rudy 
Mauer?"
 
 "OK," he replied guardedly.  "He and his wife are separated?  They 
lost their 
daughter--a stillbirth right?"
 
 "Yes," Mac nodded.  "He works in McLean and he called me and said 
let's do lunch 
and naturally I said why not."
 
 "Naturally."
 
 "I'll ignore that sarcasm.  Anyway thanks for the offer.
 ===============
 PEPITO's
 
 "Sarah thank you," Rudy greeted her as soon as she alighted from the 
'Vette.
 
 "You're welcome, for what?" she laughed.
 
 "For this of course," he smiled.  "Would you believe there's not a 
soul in my office 
who would ever agree to lunch with me."
 
 "You're not that bad are you?" she teased.
 
 "Yes.  No seriously, they're either all paired off, eat in these 
cliques, or simply eat at 
their desk, which is what I usually end up doing, but I hate it.  I 
have to eat dinner 
alone.  Lunch should be special once in a while.  I've gotten a table 
and already I'm 
whining and babbling.  I'm sorry."
 
 "Rudy relax," she smiled.  "I don't often get to do lunch out either.  
I'm usually in 
court or between appointments.  Today I just made time."
 
 They were seated with their drinks and their orders taken and an 
awkward silence 
loomed between them.  "I don't date," he finally said.  "I mean Julie 
and I are just 
separated."
 
 "This is not a date--it's two people having lunch," she smiled.  "How 
long have the 
two of you been apart?"
 
 "Six months now since Jennifer was born," he answered quietly.  "And 
I'm afraid 
we're about to the lawyer stage.  I'm trying this grief counseling 
thing to see if I can 
reconcile myself to what happened."
 
 "Sounds like me," she nodded.  "You got to see and hold your baby?"
 
 "Yeah I did, and I even have pictures," he whispered.  "She was 
perfect in every 
way.  Five pounds four ounces of perfection, except that she died in 
utero because 
her oxygen was cut off."
  
  "I'm so sorry" Mac gasped. "I can't even imagine going through that."
  
  "It had to be the single worst moment of my life," he said quietly. 
"There 
  isn't anything more painful than losing your child. Course then Julie 
and I 
  started having problems and that's just compounded everything."
  
  "Sounds familiar" Mac murmured. "She doesn't come to the counseling 
with 
  you?"
  
  "She says she doesn't need and it and she'd rather not share her life 
with a 
  bunch of strangers. I felt I needed to talk to someone who would 
understand 
  what I'm going through and a friend at church suggested the group. 
I've 
  tried to get Julie to come but she won't budge."
  
  "My story exactly" Mac sighed. "Except of course that I'm not married 
to the 
  man who was the father of my baby."
  
  "Obviously not the guy you were with then?"
  
  "No Sturgis is a good friend from work. He's been there a lot for me 
and 
  when he noticed I was having problems dealing with the loss of the 
baby he 
  suggested I try the group."
  
  "Your significant other wouldn't come with you?
  
  "No. Harm is one of those people who doesn't deal with feelings and 
  emotions. Add in a group of strangers and there's no way he'd go near 
the 
  place."
  
  "How long have you and Harm been together?"
  
  "As partners at work, six years. As a couple, since New Years Eve."
  
  "You work with him? God that must be hard. Are you two still together 
or is 
  it over?"
  
  "It's in between right now," Mac said with a small smile. "Neither of 
us is 
  ready to say it's not going to work but at the same time I think 
we're both 
  slightly clueless as to what to do to fix it."
  
  "Do you want to fix it?" Rudy prodded.
  
  "I love Harm. I have for a long time. And deep down I want it to 
work. But 
  I'm just not sure it can happen."
  
  ****************
  JAG HQ's
  Same Time
  
  "Sturgis, you seen Mac around?" Harm asked as he stepped into 
Sturgis's 
  office. "I needed to talk to her about something."
  
  "Uh, she went out to lunch," Sturgis said slowly. He didn't want to 
be the 
  one to tell Harm that Mac was out with someone else, but at the same 
time it 
  might not hurt to let him know that he was in danger of losing the 
woman he 
  loved.
  
  "With who?" Harm demanded.
  
  "Someone she met the other night at the support group."
  
  "What's her name?"
  
  "His name is Rudy. He sat next to us and I guess he and Mac had a lot 
in 
  common."
  
  Sturgis watched Harm's face carefully but as usual his friend kept 
his 
  emotions in check.
  
  "That's good" Harm said finally. "She needs to talk to someone who 
  understands how she feels. Since obviously she thinks I don't."
  
  He turned and strode out of Sturgis's office and headed back to his 
own, 
  resisting the urge to slam the door behind him. Mac had found someone 
to 
  provide the emotional support he couldn't.
  
  "Harm" Sturgis said quietly as he walked into his office.
  
  "I don't want to talk about it Sturgis" Harm said with a long sigh. 
"So 
  don't even start. I have an hour to get through the McClaren case 
before I 
  have to leave for therapy and I don't want to get into it now."
  
  "Dinner tonight then?" Sturgis prodded.
  
  "I'll let you know. Now if you don't mind, I have work to do."
  
  ******************
  "Thank you. This was the best lunch I've had in months," Rudy said as 
he 
  walked Mac to her car.
  
  "Thank you for buying. You didn't have to do that."
  
  "Hey, next time you can treat" he smiled. "Maybe coffee after group 
on 
  Tuesday. You'll be there right? "
  
  "I'll be there" she nodded. "And coffee afterwards would be 
wonderful."
  
  "Good. Take care Mac."
  
  "You too" she said softly before climbing in her car. With another 
wave she 
  pulled out of the parking lot and headed back to JAG.
  
  "How was your lunch?" Sturgis asked as she breezed past him on the 
way to 
  her office. He followed her in, dropping into the chair in front of 
her 
  desk.
  
  "Fine. Rudy's a nice guy."
  
  "I'm sure he is."
  
  "Sturgis I know you mean well but I'm not doing anything wrong here. 
I'm had 
  lunch with someone who's going through the same thing I am. Is there 
  something wrong with that?"
  
  "No. But just remember he's married and you have someone in your 
life. Or 
  did you forget about Harm already."
  
  "My last thought in this life will be of Harm," she said softly in 
unaccustomed candor.
 
 "You love him."
 
 "Of course I do," she roared.  "But we've been around about this 
before.  Love is not 
always enough."
 
 "It wasn't enough to keep you and Brumby from being together."
 
 She wheeled around to him from her post at the window.  "Commander you 
know 
nothing about that time.  You were not here then and the only 
information you have is 
hearsay."
 
 "On the spot correction noted," he gasped with the rebuff.
 
 At once she was sorry.  Sturgis had been a good friend to both her and 
Harm.  "I am 
so sorry," she sighed.  "You don't deserve to be treated like pond 
scum.  You're not 
the enemy. If anything you've been a better friend that I've deserved 
at times."
 
 "Look I just know that you and Harm belong together," he said softly.  
"And I can 
guarantee that you're going to regret the rest of your lives if you let 
it get away from 
you.  Why the hell do you think Lucy and I are re-trying here?  God 
somehow 
managed to bring us together after we blew off our first time."
 
 "You and Lucy are not Harm and me."
 
 "No  but we can be as prideful and stubborn," he returned.  "I'm going 
to let you get 
to work but I wanted to remind you like I did Harm--I'm getting Kennedy 
Center 
tickets and we're doing dinner and the concert.  The four of us.  And I 
want your word 
you'll come."
 
 "Harm?"
 
 "He'll be there if I have to bring him at gunpoint."
 
 She could not help a small laugh at that.  "OK I'm in, as a favor to 
you--to respect 
how good a friend you've been."
 
 "Whatever.  Just so you come."
 ===========
 "You did good work this afternoon," Sam praised him as she made notes 
while he 
finished the last of his exercise.  "You have to be noticed some 
improvement."
 
 "Yeah I can actually walk from one side of JAG to the other without 
screaming," 
Harm muttered.  "And don't wait for my apology.  I'm not in the mood."
 
 She went right on writing and he shifted his weight from one foot to 
the other.  "OK, 
sorry."
 
 "You're a trip Harmon Rabb," she laughed and looked away from him 
before she 
went on.  "Would you care to see a basketball game?"
 
 "Wizards?  You've got Wizards tickets?"
 
 "On my salary?  Not hardly.  No, Bears.  Pee Wee basketball.  MJ's 
team.  I'm 
meeting him and Mom there and then we go out for burgers after."
 
 "I. . .uh I usually just go home," he murmured.
 
 "And do what?"
 
 "Work or watch TV."
 
 "Then this is a chance to change your life, for two whole hours," she 
prodded.  
"Unless you've got something else planned?"
 
 He remembered Sturgis mentioning dinner and was about to decline when 
he 
thought about Mac's lunch with her new friend.  He had not even seen 
her when she 
returned.  "OK I'd like that a lot," he decided abruptly.  "I'll meet 
you back here after 
my pool time?"
 ==========
 JAG HQ
 90 Mins. Later
 
 "Sturgis, you and I need to talk about the Motby defense," Mac called, 
catching him 
midstride.  "Unless I personally shoot the SOB myself."  
 
 "Yeah OK come on it," he motioned, quickening his pace upon hearing 
his phone.  
"Commander Turner."
 
 "Sturgis, it's Harm.  I'm going to take a raincheck on dinner.  Got a 
better offer."
 
 "All right man, see you tomorrow."  He hung up the phone and Mac 
looked to him 
expectantly. 
 
 "Harm right?"
 
 "Yeah.  I had offered him dinner."  A slow smile spread across his 
face as he thought 
he knew the story.  "OK I see what's happening here.  You've asked him 
out and he 
accepted."
 
 "Excuse me?"
 
 Sturgis looked startled at her puzzlement.  "He uh. . .he said he had 
a better offer.  I 
just thought sure it was from you.  I mean the way it sounded it was 
like. . .Obviously 
not.  Shutting up now."
 
 "Please."
 ===========
 FOLLOWING MORNING
 
 "I think we need to talk a little don't you?"  Harm stood in the 
doorway of her office,  
two cups of coffee and bagels on a tray.  "I bring food."
 
 "I was just coming to see if you wanted to do that," Mac acknowledged.  
"Why don't 
you come in and close the door.  How was your evening?"
 
 "Ten year olds playing basketball with no clue what they're doing," he 
grinned.  "I 
haven't laughed so hard in forever."
 
 "Sturgis said you had a date," she frowned, shaking her head.
 
 "What?  I told him I had a better offer," he yelped.  "No one 
mentioned date.  I went 
to a basketball game with my therapist and her mother to watch her son 
play."
 
 "I see."  She bit her lower lip and took a breath before she asked.  
"Where was her 
husband?"
 
 "She's a widow," he explained.  "He was a fighter pilot in fact."
 
 "Service widow, young boy--hmmm. . .does the name Neurotic Annie ring 
a bell?"
 
 "Total coincidence," he snapped.  "How was your lunch with your fellow 
group 
member?  I'm Bob and I'm sad--is that the deal?"
 
 He regretted the words as soon as they were out of his mouth.  "Mac 
I'm sorry.  That 
was uncalled for."
  
  "As was my comment," she said quietly. "I'm sorry too."
  
  "Why does it seem all we can do is hurt each other now?" he 
whispered. "I 
  can't seem to ever say the right thing to you anymore."
  
  "I don't know Harm."
  
  "Look, I'll just leave you alone. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to start 
up 
  again."
  
  "Harm we're supposed to go out with Sturgis and Lucy Saturday night" 
Mac 
  said quietly. "He's got tickets for the Kennedy Center and he wants 
us to 
  come with him."
  
  "Do you want to do it?" he asked. "Because if you'd rather not have 
me 
  around, I'd understand."
  
  "No I don't want that. I thought we were going to try and make this 
work."
  
  "I know. But sometimes it's easier said than done. But I'm willing to 
try. 
  We'll go with Sturgis and Lucy. And I'll do my best not to ruin the 
  evening."
  
  *************
  Saturday Evening
  
  "Wow" Harm whispered as Mac opened the door. "You look beautiful."
  
  "You look pretty good yourself sailor" she said quietly as she led 
him in.
  
  "Mac are you okay with this?" Harm asked. "I mean, if you don't want 
to do 
  this, I'm sure Sturgis will get over it."
  
  "No I'm fine. It's just been a while since you and I have gone out 
like 
  this."
  
  "Yeah it has" he nodded. "You ready?"
  
  He reached for her hand and with a slight hesitation she finally 
allowed him 
  to take hers in his.
  
  "I was getting worried" Sturgis smiled when they arrived at the 
restaurant. 
  "Everything okay?"
  
  "Yeah we're fine" Mac assured him. "Nice to see you again Lucy."
  
  "You too" Lucy smiled. "How are you two doing?"
  
  "We're okay," Harm said quietly. "You're looking well. Norfolk and 
our 
  friend Sturgis are obviously agreeing with you."
  
  "Yes they are" Lucy smiled as she looked at Sturgis.
  
  Dinner passed with quiet conversation, Sturgis and Lucy careful not 
to ask 
  any personal questions of Harm and Mac. For their part, Harm and Mac 
finally 
  found a common ground talking about work and not themselves.
  
  "That wasn't too bad," Mac said softly as Harm drove to the Kennedy 
Center.
  
  "No. Lucy is real nice. Her and Sturgis make a great couple."
  
  "I used to think we could be a great couple" Mac whispered, fighting 
back 
  tears that suddenly brimmed. It was hard to be with him when they 
were like 
  this. Hard to look at him and see as much hurt as she felt.
  
  "But not any more" he finished quietly.
  
  "I didn't say that. It's just that we seem so far apart now."
  
  "We don't have to be this far apart Sarah" he whispered as he looked 
over at 
  her. "It's up to us. We can make it work if we want to."
  
  She nodded and looked away as a few tears slid down her face.
  
  "Please don't cry" he begged. "I'm sorry we lost our baby. And I'm 
sorry 
  we've lost us. But we can find us again."
  
  A loud sniffle was her only response and he quickly pulled into a 
parking 
  lot and stopped the car.
  
  "Sarah" he whispered as he reached for her. "Honey, please don't cry. 
I hate 
  to see you hurting like this."
  
  She allowed him to take her into his arms, for the moment allowing 
herself 
  the comfort of his arms. It had been so long since he'd held her. So 
long 
  since everything had been right.
  
  "I'm so sorry" he whispered, fighting back his own tears. "I wish I 
could go 
  back and erase everything that's happened. But I can't."
  
  "It's not all your fault" she sniffled as she raised her head to look 
at 
  him. "And it's not fair to let you take all the blame."
  
  "Can we try and get through tonight and then maybe try and work with 
each 
  other to see if we can make it right again?"
  
  "I want that" she whispered.
  
  "And if it doesn't work, I promised you I would go and I'll keep that 
  promise. I'll go back to San Diego so you can have your life here."
  
  "Let's not talk about that" she sniffled. "I'd rather think we can 
make it 
  work."
  
  "Me too" he said with a small smile.
  
  ******************
  JAG HQ's
  Monday Afternoon
  
  "You're dreaming Flyboy" Mac smiled as she sat in Harm's office. 
"There is 
  no way you're going to get your client off."
  
  "I'm telling you I know there was another case just like this. It was 
  several years ago but I know it was the same circumstances. Dillon 
that's 
  the name. Two years ago. I beat you on that one too."
  
  "Ahh, now I remember" Mac said after a moments thought. "Yes you did 
pull 
  some magic act and got your client off."
  
  "And I'm going to do it again" he smiled. "That file is probably down 
in 
  storage right?"
  
  "Tiner would know but yeah I'm sure it's somewhere down in that maze 
he 
  calls storage."
  
  "I'll be back in ten and then my client is going to be a free man" he 
said 
  as he stood up.
  
  "I'll be waiting" she smiled as he hurried past.
  
  Fifteen minutes later she realized he hadn't returned and headed down 
to the 
  storage room to find him.
  
  "Harm" she called. "Harm you still down here?"
  
  "Mac" he said in voice filled with pain. "I'm over here."
  
  "Harm what's wrong?" she demanded as she hurried in the direction of 
his 
  voice, finding him a few seconds later. He was frozen in a stooped 
position, 
  the pain on his face matching the pain she'd heard in his voice. A 
box of 
  files lay scattered on the floor and she guessed he'd attempted to 
lift the 
  box when his back had protested the movement.
  
  "My back" he managed.
  
  "Okay, I'm going to call 911 and they'll get you to Bethesda" she 
said 
  quickly.
  
  "No, don't do 911. Call Sam. It's just a muscle spasm. She'll know 
what to do."
  
  "Harm no.  You need real help here," she objected, kneeling next to 
him and 
wanting to take him into her arms and not knowing how without hurting 
him.
 
 "I get real help with her," he gasped, and for the first time, Mac 
felt a tinge of 
uncertainty with regard to Harm and this woman of whom he obviously 
thought so 
highly.  "Cell phone--Sam.  Please."
 
 Mac gave him a dubious glare but pulled the phone from his belt and 
located the 
number, a small part of her subconscious taking note that 'Sam' was now 
above 
'Mac' in the listing.
 
 Harm gave another groan of pain as the phone connected and she pushed 
all 
thought out of her mind as her anxiety rose another notch.  She pushed 
some hair 
back from his forehead and to his surprise, impulsively dropped a small 
kiss there.  
 
 "Hello, Samantha Malloy speaking."
 
 Sam's calm crisp voice calmed her slightly and she managed to say 
clearly, "ma'am 
this is Sarah Mackenzie. You work with my partner Harmon Rabb."
 
 "Yes I do.  Is something wrong?"
 
 "Very.  He's having some kind of muscle spasm," Mac replied.  "He's 
kind of all 
curled up and in pain and if I touch him he's in agony.  I want to call 
911 but he says 
no."
 
 "Let me talk to him," she directed and Mac held the phone to Harm's 
ear.
 
 "Listen to me Harm.  I want you to let Mac help you to the floor and 
then I want you 
to lie out flat as you can.  You know the drill.  Let her stretch your 
legs out and ease 
your back.  You're OK, but being scared is making you tense and that's 
making it 
worse.  You listening to me?"
 
 "I hear you Sam but I don't know if I can," he wailed.  "It just hurts 
too much."
 
 "Do it.  Let me talk to Mac again."
 
 Mac heard and pulled the phone away.  "I'm here Sam."
 
 "He's going to yelp and whine but it's going to help I promise.  Get 
one of the guys to 
help you if you need to.  Then give him a chance to let it ease and if 
it doesn't then by 
all means 911 is needed.  Otherwise you need to bring him out here for 
a treatment 
as soon as he can maneuver.  A few exercises and a sit and soak will 
help."
 
 "OK I can do that," Mac nodded.
 
 "Call me back in fifteen and let me know how he is."
 
 "Yes ma'am."  With that, Mac disconnected the phone and looked at him,  
now the 
picture of misery.  "OK mister how are we going to do this?  The easy 
way or should I 
lay you out."
 
 "Would shooting me be too much to ask?"
 
 "That's Plan B," she muttered, positioning herself behind him and 
carefully tilting him 
back to rest against her, ignoring his wail of protest.
 
 "If this wasn't so bad, I'd be laughing," she said softly, shaking her 
head as he lie on 
his back, his legs drawn up to his chest.  "OK Sailor  let's have you."  
She tugged at 
one of his legs and found it unmoving.  "Harm work with me."
 
 "Hurts."
 
 "I'm sure it does.  And you've got exactly ten seconds to get both 
those legs down 
flat or my next move is for that phone.  You want to spend a couple of 
days in 
Bethesda strung out to dry?"
 
 "I'm ready for Plan B," he muttered, setting his teeth against the 
pain and letting her 
straighten out both legs.  
 
 His resultant help of pain drowned out the opening of the storage room 
door, but not 
the Admiral's gasp of surprise when he heard from somewhere beyond his 
vision the 
naval officer in his command moan softly, "god that feels good.  More 
please."
 
 "Sir is there something I can help you with?"  Sturgis had seen AJ 
standing 
uncertainly, a look of shock on his face and he hurried to his side.
 
 "No I can eavesdrop on my own thank you," AJ retorted.  "I needed to 
speak to Mr. 
Rabb and Tiner reported both him and the Colonel heading down here, at 
different 
times no less."
 
 Sturgis was about to ask about the eavesdropping comment when another 
moan of 
pleasure drifted their way.  "Sir maybe we should back out quietly?" he 
offered, his 
expression one of total bemusement.
 
 "The hell you say," he screeched.  "Rabb.  Mackenzie.  What the hell 
is going on 
down there?"
    
  "Sir it's Harm's back" Mac said quickly, turning to see the two men 
walking 
  towards them. "He tried to lift something and his back went into 
spasm. What did 
you think we were doing?"
  
  "Never mind" AJ said as a faint blush crept into his face. "Do we 
need to 
  call 911?"
  
  "No sir" This from Harm who opened his eyes to look up at the pair. 
"It'll 
  be fine in a moment and then Mac can take me to Sam."
  
  "Who's Sam?" AJ asked.
  
  "My therapist" Harm managed before groaning as Mac stretched his leg 
again.
  
  "Is this helping?" she asked. "Or do we need to call 911?"
  
  "No it's helping" he assured her. "Just give me another minute or two 
and 
  then I'll try and sit up."
  
  "Don't rush" Mac fretted. "Just take your time. You were in major 
pain a few 
  second ago so let's just take it slow."
  
  He nodded and was about to reply when his cell phone rang and Mac 
reached 
  for it.
  
  "Hello"
  
  "Mac it's Sam. How's Harm?"
  
  "I think he can tell you that," Mac said as she handed him the phone. 
"It's 
  your therapist. She's worried about you."
  
  He didn't miss the change in her tone and with a long sigh took the 
phone. 
  "Hi Sam."
  
  "How are you? Is what I told Mac to do helping?"
  
  "Yeah it is. I'll be on my feet here in a minute."
  
  "Good. I was worried. I was about to come there. And I still could if 
you 
  need me too."
  
  "No that's okay" Harm assured her. "What Mac's doing is helping. And 
once I 
  can walk I'll have her bring me over."
  
  "All right. But if you need me call."
  
  "I will. Thanks for calling back." He hung up and Mac avoided his 
gaze as 
  she continued to work his legs. "Mac" he started before realizing now 
wasn't 
  the time to talk about this. "Never mind."
  
  "You ready to try and get up?" she asked.
  
  He nodded and with AJ and Sturgis's assistance was able to make his 
way to 
  his feet.
  
  The pain in his face sent a wave of sympathy for him through her and 
at once 
  she reached an arm around his waist.
  
  "You going to be able to make it up the stairs and to the car?" she 
asked 
  gently.
  
  "Somehow I will" he gasped. "Cause I'm not going out of here on a 
  stretcher."
  
  "Real slow" she urged as they started up the steps, her arm remaining 
around 
  his waist. "How you doing?"
  
  "Okay, just keep going" he managed between clenched teeth.
  
  She nodded and kept moving, finally reaching the first floor. She 
guided him 
  outside and towards his vehicle, knowing there was no way he would be 
able 
  to get in her vette.
  
  "Keys?" she asked.
  
  "In my desk" he sighed.
  
  "I'll go get them" Sturgis offered, having followed them outside. 
"Just hang 
  on Harm."
  
  "Easier said than done" Harm groaned as he leaned against the 
vehicle. "God 
  I hate this."
  
  "Next time you'll think before you try and lift something" Mac chided 
him 
  gently. "You know you can't do stuff like that."
  
  "It was a lousy box" Harm complained. "I can't even lift a stupid box 
I 
  shouldn't be here."
  
  "I hope you're not serious."
  
  "At this point maybe I am" he whined and she let out a long sigh. She 
knew 
  this wasn't easy for him but the last thing she wanted was for him to 
leave 
  again.
  
  "Harm please don't talk like that," she said softly. "I know this 
isn't easy 
  for you but just remember it's not going to be like this forever."
  
  "We can hope" he muttered.
  
  Sturgis returned with his keys and together they managed to get Harm 
into 
  the SUV.
  
  "If you need anything let me know" Sturgis said softly to Mac as he 
walked 
  her around to the driver's side.
  
  "Thanks. But I think he'll be fine once he gets to his therapist."
  
  "Well if you need me, let me know" Sturgis repeated. "You know where 
to find 
  me. I know how this guy can be so don't let him get you down. You two 
seemed 
  to be pretty good the last few days."
  
  "I thought we were" Mac sighed. "But maybe it just isn't meant to 
be."
  
  She climbed into the vehicle and moments later they were on their way 
to 
  Bethesda. She didn't prod him for conversation, the look on his face 
telling 
  her he was in too much pain for that. She finally reached for his 
cell phone 
  and dialed the number to Sam.
  
  "Hi Sam, its Mac. We're on our way so if you want to have someone 
meet us 
  out front that would help."
  
  "I'll be there myself" Sam assured her. "How is he?"
 
 "Hurting," she sighed, suppressing a curse at the driver ahead.
 
 "Did he take his muscle relaxant this morning?"
 
 Mac's eyes widened and she shot Harm an accusatory glare.  "Well 
Commander?  
Your muscle relaxant pill?"
 
 "Pleading the fifth here," he groaned, knowing he had been caught.
 
 "That's a negative, which is to be followed by me killing him later," 
Mac told her.
 
 "No I've got first dibs."
 
 "Nice going Flyboy you've now got a therapist and a Marine angry at 
you," Mac 
laughed, trying to lighten the mood.  "When you hit that tub, you 
should think about 
going under."
 
 "Kill me now."
 
 She pulled up at the ER entrance and true to her word, Sam had been 
watching for 
them.  She pushed a wheelchair ahead of her out the door.
 
 "No.  No way.  No way in hell," Harm shrieked as soon as he saw it.
 
 "Commander. . .shut up," Mac ordered, hurrying around to the passenger 
door as 
Sam opened it.
 
 "Harm I can hear you from ten feet away.  What's the problem?"
 
 "I don't want a wheelchair," he pouted.
 
 "This was a sore point with him earlier," Mac sighed.  "The thought of 
them seems to 
send him ballistic."
 
 "You damn right it does," he nearly yelled.  "It says cripple."
 
 "It says you've got enough common sense to us it before you injure 
yourself further," 
Sam snapped.
 
 Mac smiled despite her worry.  She liked this woman who dared stand up 
to him.  
"Yield to the inevitable commander and get in the chair.  I could make 
it an order."
 
 "You could but you'd have to prosecute me," he scowled.
 
 "Don't think I wouldn't," she retorted, now totally serious.
 
 For a moment they stood eyeball to eyeball, and then Harm blinked, 
meekly sitting.
 
 "I need to come with him," Mac spoke up as she started to push him 
off.
 
 "Sure.  You can come watch me be tortured," he muttered.  "Have I 
mentioned how 
much I hate this?"
 
 "In the last hour, not more than three or four times."
 
 Shortly Sam had him up on the table and she was putting him through a 
short series 
of stretching and relaxing.  "OK Harm now why the hell did you not take 
your pill this 
morning?"
 
 "I hate the way they make me feel," he whined.  "They relax me all 
right--I'm 
stuporous."
 
 "I don't usually notice the difference," Mac teased and Harm glared at 
her once 
again.
 
 Sam smiled at the by play as she manipulated his legs.  "Mac I've 
heard all kinds of 
stories about you.  Someday I'll give you a chance to tell me your 
side."
 
 "Please," she grinned, feeling herself relax and allowing herself to 
admire the skills 
of the therapist.  She obviously knew what she was doing and moreover 
Harm 
obviously trusted her.  Perhaps more than he trusted Mac herself she 
fretted.
 
 With a long sigh she moved to the head of the table and stroked his 
forehead.  "You 
doing OK Sailor?  You've got two women fussing over you here.  Sounds 
like the 
stuff of which fantasy is made."
  
  "Yeah and if I didn't hurt like hell I'd enjoy it more" he sighed.
  
  "I know," she said softly as she continued her gentle stroking of his 
  forehead. "But you're in good hands now."
  
  "Yes I am" he sighed as he closed his eyes and Mac tried not to let 
his 
  words bother her. Of course he'd feel like he was in good hands with 
his 
  therapist. She was the one trained to take care of situations like 
his.
  
  "You ready for a long soak Harm?" Sam asked after she'd finished her 
work.
  
  "Do I get company?" he asked, opening his eyes to look up at the two 
women.
  
  "Don't look at me" Sam laughed. "I have other patients to attend to. 
Mr. 
  King has been waiting patiently for his session. But Mac is more than 
  welcome to join you."
  
  "I don't know" Mac said slowly, not sure she was ready to be sitting 
alone 
  in a hot tub with Harm. Even if it was for therapy sake.
  
  "Please join me," he said softly. "Otherwise I'm bored to death 
sitting 
  there by myself. Usually Sam stays and talks to me but I'd like you 
to stay 
  if you don't mind."
  
  "I have an extra suit" Sam spoke up. "We're about the same size. I'm 
sure it 
  would fit."
  
  "Just let me call the Admiral and let him know where I'm going to 
be," Mac 
  said finally. "And to let him know that his favorite pain in the six 
is 
  going to be okay."
  
  She made the call to JAG HQ's and then changed into the suit Sam had 
given 
  her. Harm was already in the hot tub when she returned and she didn't 
miss 
  the smile as he watched her walk over.
  
  "Thanks for keeping me company," he said as she joined him.
  
  "No problem. You feeling any better?"
  
  "Much. Sam knows exactly what to do to make it better."
  
  "I wish I did," she said softly. "I hated seeing you in pain like 
that."
  
  "Hey you did what you could. And lucky for me you decided to come 
down and 
  find me. Otherwise I'd still be standing there frozen in pain."
  
  "Next time ask for help" she chided him. "I know that's hard for you 
but I 
  don't need to repeat this afternoon again."
  
  "I really didn't think about it," he admitted. "The box was in the 
way and I 
  just went to move it like I normally would. Course I keep forgetting 
I'm far 
  from normal."
  
  "Tell me something I didn't know" she teased and he splashed some 
water 
  towards her.
  
  "Cute Marine" he groaned.
  
  "Sorry. Couldn't resist. But you're just going to have to learn you 
can't do 
  what you used to do."
  
  "Do you realize how much I hate that fact?"
  
  "I know. But it's still better than the alternative to me. Or did you 
forget 
  already that if you hadn't punched out you wouldn't be here. Isn't a 
little 
  pain worth it to still be here with me?"
  
  "Yes. But are you with me?" he asked quietly.
  
  "Harm we're working on it. It's not going to happen overnight. But 
we're in 
  the right direction."
  
  "Yes we are," he said with a small smile as he looked over at her.
  
  For a moment their eyes locked and neither said a word. "I want us to 
work 
  this out" he whispered finally as his hand reached to stroke her 
cheek. "I 
  love you Sarah. I want you back in my life."
  
  "I am in your life" she whispered. "You couldn't get rid of me if you 
  tried."
  
  He leaned closer, their lips meeting in a soft and gentle kiss.
  
  "I see we're doing okay in here," Sam said quietly as she walked in.
  
  "Sorry" Mac blushed as she slid away from Harm. "I should probably 
get 
  going."
  
  "It's okay" Sam assured her. "I just came to see how Harm was doing. 
But I 
  can see he's doing just fine. I'll be back in a bit."
  
  "I really should go" Mac said quietly when they were alone.
  
  "Please don't go yet" Harm pleaded. "We haven't had a lot of time 
together 
  recently. Please just stay a little longer."
  
  "You really want me to?"
  
  "Yes. Please. It does help me relax to have you here."
  
  "Then I'll stay," she said softly as she slid closer to him again.
  
  His arm went across her back and he pulled her to his chest, feeling 
himself relax 
more fully.
 
 "You are in my life aren't you?," he sighed, happy with the 
realization.  
 
 "Harm I never left, not completely.  I just pulled back a little with 
so much to deal 
with."
 
 "I can buy that, but what I can't buy is why I couldn't be there too," 
he wailed softly.
 
 "Because you, and my feelings for you, were part of what I was dealing 
with," she 
told him gently but firmly.  "And it's anything but a done deal.  I'm 
still hugely 
conflicted."
 
 "Well you couldn't blame me for the baby any more than I already blame 
myself," he 
sighed.
 
 "Oh Harm that's just a small part of it.  I love you.  I will always 
love you, but at times 
I question whether we're good for each other, whether this relationship 
is what we 
each need."
 
 He backed his head away from hers, looking into those chocolate brown 
eyes he 
loved so much, and then with intensity he had not felt in a long time, 
his lips came 
down on hers. 
 
 For a few seconds she allowed herself to be swept away by the longing 
within her 
body.  Finally common sense and reason took over and she began to pull 
back, 
pushing him away at the same time.  To her surprise, he was not willing 
to release 
her, taking advantage of his weight and his strong arm across her back 
to keep her 
pinned.
 
 "Hmmff," she managed and a second later needing air he let her go.  
She jumped 
back away from him a full foot, keeping her distance from him enforced 
by her arms 
being straight out, her hands on his shoulders.  For a long moment they 
stared at 
each other, both in semi-shock.
 
 "Mac I. . ."
 
 "No don't, please just don't," she begged.  "I don't want you to 
apologize."
 
 "Because?"
 
 "I just don't."
 
 "I scared you didn't I?"
 
 "Yeah you did," she admitted, keeping her voice calm. "Not that it 
wasn't pleasant in 
it's own way, but Harm I really don't appreciate being the victim of  
some kind of coital 
urge."
 
 "What?  Sarah I love you.  "Coital urge' says that I'm in hormonal 
overdrive.  You 
have to think more of me than that.  Please.  I love you, and not 
because you're good 
in bed.  I love you.  Does that not mean something to you?"  
 
 She did not answer and he looked down, seeing her arms still in 
restraining mode.  "I 
guess I have my answer," he said quietly, defeat on his face and in his 
voice.
 
 "Harm that you love me means a great deal to me," she finally said, 
dropping her 
hands and then cupping his cheek with her palm.  "I love you.  That's 
not in question 
here now, nor has it ever been.  Harm the only question is whether that 
love is 
enough to make a life together feasible."
 
 "I want it to be," he whispered pleadingly.
 
 "I want it to be too," she responded.  "God knows I want it to be."
 
 He started to speak again and she stopped him with a gentle finger to 
his lips.  "No 
don't.  Not any more.  We're just going to go round and round and we 
don't need to 
do that to each other.  I'm getting out now."
 
 "OK fair enough," he nodded, adding quietly.  "I'll get a cab home."
 
 "Hey I'm not leaving you Squid," she smiled softly.  "Just getting out 
and getting 
dressed.  I'll take you home.  In fact first you're coming back to my 
place so I can be 
sure you're OK."
       
  "Mac" he started to protest before realizing there was no way he was 
going 
  to win. "All right. You can take me home."
  
  An hour later she had him situated on her sofa as she finished 
tucking a 
  blanket around him.
  
  "Better" she said softly.
  
  "You didn't have to do this," he said quietly. "I would have been 
fine on my 
  own."
  
  "Yeah and I'd have visions of you lying hurt somewhere in your place 
all 
  night. This way I can keep an eye on you and make sure you take those 
pills 
  like you're supposed to."
  
  "I will" he promised. "And thank you. You really didn't have to do 
this. 
  I'll make it up to you somehow. Maybe dinner tomorrow?"
  
  "Tomorrow is my group meeting," she said quietly. "Can we do it 
another 
  night?"
  
  "Yeah sure. Whenever works for you." He tried to ignore the fact that 
she 
  hadn't asked him to come with her again. Of course she probably 
figured that 
  he wouldn't anyone so there was no point in asking.
  
  "Wednesday night would be okay. Let's just make sure you're up to it 
first."
  
  "I'll be fine. And thanks again for everything."
 
  "No problem sailor" she said as she ran a gentle hand through his 
hair. 
  "Just take it easy for a while. You've had a rough day."
  
  ********************
  JAG HQ's
  Tuesday Afternoon
  
  "Mac you got a minute" Harm started as he walked into her office only 
to 
  stop as he realized she was on her way out. "Sorry. Support group 
tonight 
  right?"
  
  "Yeah. I like to stop home and grab some dinner before I go. Can it 
wait?"
  
  "Of course" Harm smiled. "I guess I'll see you tomorrow then."
  
  "We still doing dinner?" she asked.
  
  "Sure if you want to."
  
  "Sounds great" she smiled as she reached for her purse. "Take it easy 
  sailor."
  
  "You too" he sighed as he watched her walk to the elevator. He stood 
there 
  for several minutes before wandering into Sturgis's office.
  
  "What's up buddy?"
  
  "Do you know where Mac's group meeting is?" Harm asked as he sank 
down in 
  the chair.
  
  "Of course. Why?"
  
  "I'm thinking I might surprise Mac and show up" he said slowly. "Of 
course I 
  may just end up in the back waiting for her but I'm going to give it 
a try."
  
  "Now that's the spirit" Sturgis smiled. "You want her back don't 
you?"
  
  "Yes I do. And if this helps, I'll just have to suck it up and do 
it."
  
  "You want me to go along with you?"
  
  "No, no way" Harm said quickly. "It's bad enough thinking about 
opening up 
  to strangers let alone you."
  
  "Harm I pretty much know everything that has happened."
  
  "I know. But I'd do better with strangers I think."
  
  "All right. But if you ever want me to come, just let me know. I 
asked Mac 
  if she wanted me tonight but she said she'd be okay on her own."
  
  "Yeah well maybe she won't be alone after all" Harm smiled. "I'll 
catch you 
  later Sturgis."
 ===============  
  Two hours later he walked down the hallway of the church, taking each 
step 
  even slower than the first. He'd called Sam and left a message that 
he 
  wouldn't be in for therapy, that something important had come up. 
He'd 
  gotten directions to which room the group was meeting in and now all 
he had 
  to do was go there and be with her. Support her like she'd supported 
him.
  
  "Come on Rabb" he muttered to himself. "You can do this. She needs 
you. Suck 
  it up and be there for her."
  
  Another few steps and he was just outside the door of the room. He 
listened 
  as a tearful woman explained how she had lost her baby and for a 
moment he 
  wasn't sure he could do this. He was about to turn and walk away when 
he 
  heard Mac's voice.
  
  "My name is Sarah Mackenzie. I was only a few weeks pregnant when I 
lost my 
  baby."
  
  He could hear the hurt and pain and in her voice and for a long 
moment he 
  just stood there. He knew what he needed to do. He needed to go in 
there and 
  be with her. But his body wasn't cooperating with him. Instead he 
stood 
  outside the door, listening as she tearfully explained how she'd lost 
the 
  baby.
  
  Finally he couldn't stand it any longer and with a burst of courage 
started 
  into the room, only to freeze a second later at the sight before him. 
Her 
  back was to the door, another man beside her. His hand was holding 
tightly 
  to Mac's and as her voice broke, the man reached for her, bringing 
her 
  against him as she cried. She clung to the man and Harm slowly backed 
out of 
  the room. She'd found someone else to be her support. When he'd 
failed to be 
  there, she'd turned to someone else. Someone who could provide for 
her what 
  he couldn't.
  
  He slowly walked from the church to his car, his world suddenly 
shattered 
  around him. He'd lost her for good this time. And he had no one to 
blame but 
  himself. He started to drive home when his cell phone rang.
  
  "Rabb" he said quietly.
  
  "Harm its Sam. I got your message. You know that skipping therapy 
isn't 
  going to help your back heal."
  
  "Sam not now" he managed as he fought back the tears that threatened.
  
  "Harm what's wrong?" she demanded. "Are you okay? You sound like 
you're in 
  pain."
  
  He let out a small laugh at her words. She had no idea how much pain 
he was 
  in. Only there was nothing anyone could do to take away this pain.
  
  "If you only knew" he whispered.
  
  "Harm where are you? Tell me and I'll come and get you."
  
  "I'm on my way home," he said quietly. "I'll see you tomorrow."
  
  He hung up and with a long sigh finished the drive home. He painfully 
made 
  his way up to his apartment and was staring at the TV when she 
pounded on 
  his door.
  
  "Harm open up it's Sam."
  
  For a moment he considered ignoring her but finally pushed himself up 
and 
  over to the door.
  
  "Harm are you okay?" she demanded when he opened the door.
  
  "No" he whispered. "It's over Sam. She's found someone else. I've 
lost her 
  forever."
  
  Without a word, she reached for him, pulling him into her arms and 
holding 
  him tightly.
  
  "I'm sorry" she whispered as she gently stroked his back. "I'm so 
sorry. I 
  know you love her and she's a fool for leaving you."
  
  He pulled back at her words and for the first time saw her not as his 
  therapist but as woman. An attractive woman who obviously cared about 
him.
  
  "Harm" she whispered as he leaned closer, his lips finding hers in a 
long 
  kiss.  She melted against him before he finally let go of her.
  
  "Sam I'm sorry" he started only to be silenced by a gentle kiss.
  
  "I'm not. Do you know how long I've wanted you to do that?"
 
 THE END
 	Watch for the next chapter of After the Mistletoe coming soon.