TITLE: "After the Mistletoe I: Want-Need-Guilt”
AUTHORS: Anne R. and Pat Steiner
SUMMARY: The kiss of Answered Prayers leads to more. Rated PG for
mild
language. The first of the After the Mistletoe series in which Harm
and Mac deal
with the ramifications of the mistletoe kiss. The arrival of Sergei is
not a factor in
this series.
DISCLAIMER: JAG belongs to CBS, Paramount et al. No copyright
infringement is intended with this work of fiction.
FEEDBACK: Yes, if you're moved to do so, to [SSbpmn@aol.com] and
it
would be much appreciated by both of us. However, if your intent is
only to tell us
you are not liking our work, please don't spend the time. While we
realize our
work does not please everyone, we do ask that the journey be respected.
NOTE: All parts of this story will be available at
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AnniePatJAGstories
No subbing is required to read from the message archives.
“After the Mistletoe I: Want-Need-Guilt”
MAC's APARTMENT
530PM 31 Dec 01
"Chloe this is not possible," Mac groaned, surveying the girl's packing
effort.
"You've got twice what you came with?"
"Shopping. After Christmas sales. Gifts," she wailed plaintively.
"Stuff. And it all
has to go with me." She clutched possessively at the Marine and Navy
uniformed
stuffed bears Harm and Mac had given her.
"Then we'd best start by buying those bears a ticket because that's the
only way
they're going to get on that plane," she sighed. "OK look, I'm going
to have to Fed
Ex some of this stuff to you. Start sorting. Harm is going to be here
in twenty
minutes and that line at the security check point is growing as we
speak."
"I'm glad you guys are going to spend New Year's Eve together," Chloe
giggled.
"That the kiss you guys did wasn't wasted I mean. And you know what
you're
supposed to do at midnight tonight right?"
"I think so," she replied dryly, "not that what we do tonight is your
concern.
Especially after you set us up under the mistletoe."
"I was brilliant wasn't I," she chortled. "And yeah you looked like
you were hating
every bit of that seven point five second kiss."
"Harm and I have kissed before," Mac told her absently as she once
again tackled
a suitcase.
"You're kidding. When? WHEN?"
"When what?" Mac asked before she realized what she had said. "Chloe,
you're
doing it again."
"Oh for crying out loud," she yelped, slamming a pile of clothes into
her duffel bag.
"You and him have been dancing around each other forever. You were so
afraid
of your feelings for him you almost married a man you didn't love. And
now
you've got this chance and. . ."
The ringing phone cut off her words.
"Thank God," Mac breathed, hurrying to the living room. "Harm hi. . .
Breathless?
No I'm fine. Just listening to another Chloe rant is all. . .Never mind
about what. .
.Yeah Ashby's sounds great. Starving Marine here. Thanks." She hung
up the
phone and called back to the bedroom. "Move it Chloe. Getting late.
And our
discussion is mercifully over thank you."
======
When Harm arrived twenty-five minutes later, the bags were packed and
Chloe
was in the shower. "It's open," Mac called in response to his knock,
suddenly not
wanting to move from her spot at the balcony.
"You should not leave your door unlocked Colonel," he chided her as he
entered.
"Too many weird people out there."
She shrugged absently, suddenly feeling Chloe's immanent departure.
"You're going to miss her huh," he said, catching on at once. "She's a
great kid.
In fact she told me that you and I should get married and adopt her."
"Yeah, well that's probably the closest I'll ever get to children" Mac
sighed. "I think I've hit the snooze button so many times on my
biological
clock it's broke."
"Mac, it's going to happen" Harm said softly. "One day."
"By then it'll be too late."
"Hey, where's all this coming from?" Harm asked.
"I don't know" she sighed again. "I guess being New Year's Eve I'm
looking
back on the past year and realizing I'm no further ahead than I was
last
year in having the life I want."
"Well at least you're not married to a man you didn't love and in the
middle
of a life you hate" Harm said quietly. "Unless of course you're
thinking
that you made a mistake by not marrying Mic."
"No" she said slowly. "Deep down I know that wasn't meant to be. But
at the
same time, I can't help wondering if I'll ever be married and have
children."
He was about to reply when Chloe came bounding out of the bedroom.
"Hi Harm" she smiled. "I think I'm finally ready."
"Where's your bags?" Harm asked. "I'll take them down."
Dinner passed with most of the conversation being done by Harm and
Chloe as
Mac sat quietly. Attempts by both to draw her into the conversation
failed
and both finally gave up. She was even more sullen as the walked to
the
airport security line.
"I want you to call me when you get home" Mac said as they stopped to
say
goodbye.
"Yes ma'am" Chloe replied. "Thanks for having me Mac."
"Thanks for coming" Mac whispered as she gave Chloe a hug, biting back
tears. "I'm going to miss you."
"Me too" Chloe sniffled.
It was a long minute before they finally parted, both wiping the tears
away.
"Take care Chloe" Harm said as he gave her a quick hug.
"Take care of Mac for me" she whispered as he held her.
"I will" Harm promised before releasing her.
"Bye Chloe" Mac called as Chloe passed through security. Chloe smiled
and
waved before heading towards her gate.
"You okay?" Harm asked softly as Mac sniffled again.
"Yeah I just hate good-byes" she said as she wiped away more tears.
"I'm
sorry, I'm standing here bawling like a baby."
"It's okay. I understand. I know how close you and Chloe are and how
much
you miss her when she's gone."
"Thanks" she sighed. "You know maybe you should just drop me at home
tonight. I'm not good company and I dont want to ruin your New Years."
"Like I'm going to let you spend New Years alone when you're feeling
like
this" Harm scoffed. "No way. We're going back to your place and watch
all
those people stand out in the cold to watch a ball drop while we stay
nice
and warm inside by the fire."
"You don't have to do that" she said with a small smile.
"I want to" he said softly. "I do care about you you know. Very much."
"Thanks. I needed to hear that. Right now I guess I'm just in my
normal
funk."
"Well we'll fix that" Harm smiled. "Come on. We'll stop at the video
store
and rent a movie and get some sparkling grape juice so we can toast in
the
New Year. Which by the way, I'm predicting will be a great year."
"You think so huh?" she smiled.
"Yes I do."
"I'll reserve my judgment for later. And thanks for the pep talk. I
guess
I'm feeling a little sorry for myself."
"No more looking back" Harm chided gently. "We're only looking forward
now."
Mac gave a long sniffle and cocked her head in his direction. "That's
an odd
sentiment from the Rabb psyche. What brings that on Flyboy?"
"Well you're not the only one who can feel the passage of time," he
said slowly
and shrugged. "Hell I don't know. I guess that Christmas kiss meant
something
to me, even though it didn’t exactly reek of passion and fireworks."
That stopped her in her tracks. "More Rabb sentiment. And never a
tape
recorder when you need one. Harm are you OK? There's not something I
should
know? I mean you're not dying or about to PCS out of here or anything
like that
are you?"
"Of course not," he laughed, throwing an easy arm around her shoulders.
"Just
thinking about the New Year and some changes and us and some different
ways
of doing things."
"I heard that 'us'," she returned, her tears now replaced with gentle
laughter. "I
think we should pick up that stuff and continue this discussion at my
place."
"Count on it."
In the car the conversation was carefully kept to other things, but
there was an air
of tension that had not existed between them before. They picked up
two movies
[Harm's choice], popcorn and the drink, and an hour later were settling
onto Mac's
sofa while the first movie started.
"Tell me this is not Top Gun," she begged.
"No I've got that one memorized," he laughed. "But it is about flying.
Star Wars,
the original and best." As if it was the most natural thing in the
world, his arm
went over her shoulder to the accompaniment of the Star Wars theme and
for the
next two hours they were lost in the Force.
"OK is there a little Han Solo in the little boy that's still partly
you?" she asked
when it was done.
"Oh no doubt this fueled my determination to fly," he nodded. "Not
only that, but
for a while I thought of applying for the shuttle program."
"You're kidding. And why didn't you?" she demanded. "You would have
been
great."
"Flying combat got into my blood I guess," he shrugged. "Besides, if
I'd done that
how would we have met?"
"Everything happens for a reason I guess," she smiled, those words
destined to
come back to her at a near-future time. "OK Flyboy we've got exactly
one
hundred thirty-three minutes. What have you got to wow me with next?"
It was with amazement that she watched "You've Got Mail" appear on the
screen.
"I thought we could finish with something sappy," he explained.
"Sappy but great," she sniffled when it was finished. "A reformed
jerk. Loved it."
"How much time?"
"Enough to talk about what we started earlier," she said, suddenly
emboldened by
his arm that was still firmly around her. "You were on a roll. Let's
hear more."
His face reddened and his mouth dropped open and she knew at once she
had
pushed too far as he gave her the same look he had all those months
before in
Sydney Harbor.
"Never mind," she said hastily. "It's not important. Well I mean it
is, but it can
keep, and I'm just glad to have your company tonight. I didn't want to
be alone.
Thank you for knowing that; and thank you for knowing that I wouldn't
ask."
"I. . .I do want. . .we do need to talk," he stammered. "Look that
kiss did mean
something to me. But it scared me too."
"Because? I mean you've kissed women before. Probably hundreds."
"Because it meant something," he whispered, barely audible.
"It did?"
"Like it did that night on the Admiral's porch" he continued quietly.
"Even
if didn't mean anything to you."
"You're wrong" she whispered just as softly. "It did mean something
to me."
"Then why did you walk away that night?" he asked.
"I thought I was doing the right thing" she said quietly. "For all of
us."
"Would you have married Mic if I hadn't crashed that night?"
"I don't know" she admitted. "I don't know what I would have done."
She
walked away from him, looking out the window with a long sigh.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought that up" he said as he walked
over to
her. "That's the past. And tonight we're talking about the future."
"It's okay" she said as she turned around to face him, forcing a
smile. "We
never really have talked about everything that happened."
"Should we?" Harm asked. "Or maybe it's better if we just put that
all
behind us and move on."
"Can we do that?"
"I want to. Do you?"
"Yeah I do" she said with a small smile. "I want us to find whatever
us
there is out there."
"And I think we can do that" Harm smiled as well. "And I think it's
time to
break open that sparkling grape juice."
"Good idea" she said, relieved for the moment that they'd let the
serious
subjects go. Their relationship was still shaky and she wasn't ready
to lose
what little ground they'd managed to find over the holidays.
He followed her into the kitchen and minutes later they returned to
the
living room with the champagne glasses full of grape juice just as
the
countdown was beginning.
"Happy New Year Sarah" he said softly as he gently tapped his glass
to hers.
"Happy New Year Harm" she whispered.
As the ball dropped in Times Square and the strands of began, he took
her
glass from her hand and set it down on the table.
"Permission to wish the Colonel Happy New year properly?" he
whispered.
"Permission granted" she managed before he took her into his arms,
his lips
descending upon hers. For a split second she froze before her arms
tightened
around him as she responded to the kiss. It deepened and suddenly
neither of
them could pull away.
"Sarah" he panted as they finally parted. "I'm sorry."
"No" she whispered. "No, please don’t be sorry."
"I don't want to hurt you" he whispered, at the same time unable to
stop the
feelings that were suddenly rushing forward.
"You won't" she said breathlessly before her lips found his again.
Seconds later he lifted her into his arms, carrying her to the
bedroom and
gently depositing her on the bed.
"Are you sure?" he asked again as he slid down on the bed beside her.
"Don't stop now" she whispered as she pulled him against her.
"I don't think I could," he whispered back, "for all the times, all
the hours, I've
dreamed of this moment. The time I would hold you and show you how. .
."
Another long kiss cut off anything further he might say.
At first they were like sophomores in the back-seat of his mother's
minivan as
they struggled out of their clothes, loathing to break contact even for
that long.
Once that was accomplished, the tempo shifted and their lovemaking was
soft and
quiet, done with an air of awe. Afterwards she lie awake a long time,
her head
resting on his chest above his beating heart, listening to his deep and
satisfied
breathing. A need--a desire too long held in check--had been
fulfilled.
Sometime during the night he woke and they fumbled sleepily through
another
encounter, seeking solace and warmth with each other once more.
=================
10AM
"Mac what time are we due at the Admiral's?"
"Huh? What? About noon and what are you doing here? Were you
supposed to
pick me up?" She had not opened her eyes nor lifted her head and he
knew she
was only marginally awake.
"Hey am I that forgettable?" he teased. "Open your beautiful brown
eyes Marine
and remember last night will you please."
Her eyes did fly open at that. "We. . . .I. . .you and me. . ." she
stammered. "Oh
my god."
"Good morning to you too," he smiled. "Yes we did but. . ." He felt
his blood start
to run cold. "Hey are you sorry? You regret what we did?"
"No of course not," she answered, her face troubled. "You were
everything I ever
thought you'd be. I guess I just didn't expect that we'd do that and
now in the so
called cold light of day. . ." Her voice trailed off and she pulled
the sheet up over
herself more, suddenly self conscious.
"Yeah I see what you mean," he sighed. "I'm sorry."
"You are?"
"Yes, I should have. . ." he mumbled. "I should have not taken
advantage."
"No Harm please don't. Look I'm just not sure how I feel right now
OK? But that
has nothing to do with how I feel about you. You're my best friend for
Godsake
and now. . .well now it feels like we might have. . ." Her eyes
searched his face
begging his understanding.
"Might have crossed a line we weren't ready to cross," he supplied and
she
nodded.
"OK, well I think I should go."
"Harm no, you don't have to. I can make coffee."
"No please. I think we both need time to process what happened here,
plus we
are due at the Admiral's for his Bowl Games party." He rolled from the
bed and
quickly put his clothes back on, rumpled that they were, as she
watched, her
knees drawn up to her chest.
"I uh. . .I guess I'll see you there," he said softly, leaning down to
kiss her
forehead.
"OK yeah," she said and as he was about to pull back, her hand shot
out to cup
the back of his head, holding him still so she could give him a gentle
kiss. "See
you there. Drive safe."
For a long time after he left she just sat there, not sure what she
was
feeling. They had crossed that proverbial line and now the question
was
where did they go from there. She pushed herself off the bed and to
the
shower, letting the tears finally come.
Across town Harm headed for the shower. As he slid his shirt off, he
could
smell the scent of Mac's perfume on it. For a moment he held it to his
face,
taking in the scent of her. With a long sigh he finally climbed into
the
shower, standing there under the hot water as he tried to figure out
how to
fix what he'd done. Only there was no way to fix it. He'd done exactly
what
he'd never wanted to do to Mac.
"Rabb, you are an utter screw-up" he muttered to himself. He could
still see
the look on her face as she'd realized what they'd done and he cursed
himself again. The fragile friendship they'd put together was now in
danger
of crumbling again.
He arrived at the Admiral's promptly at noon, not surprised to see
everyone's car there except Mac's. For a long minute he sat there
before
finally forcing himself to climb out of the car. He'd just stepped out
when
Mac pulled up and he stopped.
"Hi" he said quietly as she walked up to him.
"Hi" she said just as quietly. "You going inside?"
"Yeah I guess so," he said with forced smile. "Mac, about last night…"
"Harm don't" she interrupted softly. "Please. Not here. Not now. Can
we
just try and pretend for the next few hours that last night never
happened."
"Sure" he said quietly, hoping she wouldn't know how bad her words had
hurt
him. She didn't even want to think about what they'd done. And as much
as he
hated himself for what he'd done, the love they had made had been
unlike any
other time with any other woman.
"I'm sorry, that probably didn't sound right" she said softly, sensing
her
words may have been harsh.
"I know what you meant" he sighed. "And I agree. We'll just forget
about
it."
He started towards the house, the porch suddenly looming in front of
him. In
an instant he was back at that night in May, the night he'd tried so
hard to
tell her just how much she meant to him. The night he'd realized how
much he
loved her.
"Do you know how hard it was to walk away from you that night?" Mac
whispered as she came up behind him.
"As hard as it was for me to let you walk back in" Harm said quietly
as he
turned to look at her. "Mac, I know you don’t want to talk about this
now
but I just have to say one thing. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I hurt you."
"Harm, don't please" she begged feeling the tears again. "Please, I
promise
we'll talk about this later."
He nodded and as he watched her fight back the tears he felt the guilt
stab
him even harder.
"Okay" he said quietly. "We'd better go in before someone wonders what
we're
doing out here."
He made his way up the two steps of the porch and to the door,
arriving just
as AJ opened the door.
"Thought I heard some cars pull up" AJ said as Harm and Mac walked in.
"Come
on in, everyone's here."
With forced smiles they headed in to the party, quickly going in
different
directions. Harm headed to the den to talk to Sturgis while Mac headed
to
the kitchen.
"Hey there you are" Harriet smiled. "I was hoping you weren't going to
leave
me here alone with all the guys."
"No, just running a little behind" Mac smiled.
"Did Chloe leave last night?"
"Yeah, she's back home" Mac said quietly.
"You miss her don't you? She's a great kid."
"Yeah she is" Mac sighed.
================
"So how was your New Years Harm?" Sturgis asked as he handed Harm a
beer.
"Good"
"What did you do?" Sturgis prodded.
"I took Chloe to the airport with Mac and then we went back to her
place and
watched a few movies" Harm said casually. "Watched the ball drop. The
usual."
"Oh yeah?" Sturgis raised an eyebrow. "The usual that you and Mac do
or the
usual that two people who have feelings might do?"
Harm at once pierced him with a sharp glare. "Do I look like I was
standing here
praying someone would come and play twenty questions about my
lovelife?"
That drew a broad grin from Sturgis and he held up his hands in mock
surrender.
"Buddy I didn't know you had a lovelife, honest. But you know
what--you could do
a lot worse than the lovely Colonel."
"I have done a lot worse," he muttered. "Many many times. And I swore
that with
her I would never. . ." He stopped and gave Sturgis a look of
helplessness.
"Never what?"
"Never treat her like just another. . .hey unless you're wearing a long
ribbon
around your neck and sitting in a little booth or I'm under oath on the
stand, I'm not
of a mood to do this," Harm growled.
"Not a problem," Sturgis soothed. "I just thought for a minute there
you seemed
like a man with something on your mind that you wanted to talk about.
Pardon me
for being a friend."
"Knock it off," he ordered. "But. . .thanks. Can I reserve the right
to come back to
this?"
"You got it. Now are you taking Florida and the points or what?"
"Hey I'm not that drunk yet."
=============
Harriet patted Mac's hand. "And the changing of the calander and her
visit both
have reminded you how much you want someone in your life?"
"Of course," she sighed. "A good man, a baby, a career. Why shouldn't
I have it
all?"
"No reason at all," Harriet replied easily. "But you have to open your
heart first."
"I tried that remember?"
"With Mic Brumby? Yeah you did. You tried your damnedest. And that
was the
problem--something that's right shouldn't take that much effort. I
mean
relationships take work--no doubt about that--but only to get through
the rough
spots, not to make them right in the first place. If they're meant to
be they just
are."
"Where were you a year ago with this advice?" Mac snapped irritably.
"I was watching you with a man I thought you loved," Harriet replied.
"You and
Mic seemed perfectly happy to the observer you know."
"Yeah I know. I should get an academy award. Look I'm sorry. I
certainly didn't
come here to dump all this on you."
"That's OK. I've got pretty broad shoulders. And I'm a mom," Harriet
smiled.
"What did you do for New Year's Eve?"
"Harm and I took Chloe to dinner and the airport and then he came back
and we
watched a movie and the ball drop."
"And?"
"And we watched the ball drop," she replied with finality.
"OK OK," Harriet smiled, her mouth turned up in a quirky expression.
There was
more there, but she was not going to press her friend. "Shall we raid
the buffet
table and watch the game?"
Mac nodded and followed her listlessly to the table, putting a few
things on her
plate and following Harriet to the den as Harm and Sturgis were
launching into an
argument about Texas and wishbone offenses.
Mac sat quietly through the first game, her thoughts a long way from
football, often
gazing out the window to the porch where she and Harm had finally for
really the
first time tried to confront and get out into the open the complicated
emotions that
existed between them.
Harm for the most part was into the game, having bet against Sturgis
and Tiner,
and with Bud and AJ, so there was rousing cheering.
"Don't spend it all in one place Flyboy," she said lightly, excusing
herself when it
was finished. By the time the first game had played out, she was
finding the den
stifling and longed for the fresh air of the porch. Though it was
technically the
dead of winter, mother nature had covered DC with a much warmer than
normal
New Year's Day.
The next game started and an hour passed when finally Harriet looked
around,
realizing she had not returned. "Harm? Sir? Excuse me but is Mac OK?
I mean
if I'm out of line I'm sorry, but I figure you would know better. .
.not that you'd have
any reason to. . .but you were together last night and maybe. . .OK why
don't I
shut up."
"Why don't you just tell me where she is," Harm frowned, looking
around.
Harriet gestured to the porch. "I guess she needed some air but she's
been gone
over an hour."
"I'd better go check on her" Harm said as he started for the door.
"Hey, you hiding out here or what?" he said as he found her sitting
on the
bench on the porch.
"I guess I hadn't realized how long I'd been gone" she sighed. "I
just
needed to get away for a while."
"Because of me?"
"No, it's not you."
"You're lying Mac" he said quietly. "I can always tell when you are."
"Okay, so it's not easy being in the same room with you after what
happened
last night."
"Do you want me to leave?"
"No, you shouldn't have to do that" she sighed. "And it's not like
we're not
going to see each other tomorrow at work."
"So what can I do to make it better?" he asked.
"Nothing. It's just all jumbled up right now. I don't know what I'm
feeling. And honestly I don't want to talk about this right now."
"Mac, dont shut me out please" Harm begged. "I want to help. I hate
seeing
you hurt like this. I hate that I did this to you."
"Harm, it's not your fault" she said softly. "It's no one's fault. We
crossed the line last night. And there's no simple way to go back."
"So I ruined it?" he whispered. "Us. Our friendship. It's over."
"I'm not saying that. Right now I don't know what I'm saying. Harm,
everything is just so confusing right now. And until I can work
through all
this, maybe it's better that we keep some space between us."
"I have ruined it" he said as he looked away. "You hate me."
"I don't hate you" she whispered. "I could never hate you. And I was
a very
willing participant last night."
"I'm sorry Mac. That's all I can say. I never ever intended for this
to
happen. I never wanted to hurt you like this."
"I know you didn't" she said quietly. "Harm, I don't hate you and I
dont
want what little steps we'd made with each other to vanish. But right
now
I'm just having a hard time with all this. I just need a little
space."
"I can respect that. Just promise me you won't shut me out
completely."
"I won't" she promised.
"I suppose we should go back in before everyone wonders what we're
doing out
here" Harm sighed. "Sturgis already has his radar working over time."
"Yeah we should" Mac agreed. "Can we just keep this to ourselves by
the
way?"
"Mac, I would never tell anyone anything about us" Harm said quietly.
"I
think you know better than that."
"I know. I'm sorry. I told you I'm a little out of it today."
"It's okay. Just forget about it." He started towards the door,
stopping
before he got there. "For what it's worth, last night meant a lot to
me.
I've never felt that way before. And I'm not sure I ever will again."
"Me neither" she whispered, her teary voice making him turn around.
"You felt it too" he whispered as he slowly walked back to her.
She nodded and before either of them could stop themselves they were
in each
others arms, their lips locked in a long kiss.
"I'm sorry" he said breathlessly when they parted. "I am so sorry."
"It's okay" she whispered as she wiped away a few stray tears. "But
we
really should go back in. You go ahead. I'll be in in a second."
He nodded and with one last look at her headed inside. She took a
deep
breath before following him inside.
She managed another hour of the party before begging off with a
headache.
Harm watched her leave with a long sigh, hating himself even more.
"I'm going to head home too" Harm said shortly after Mac left.
"Harm, everything okay?" Sturgis asked as he followed Harm to the
door.
"Yeah sure, just a little tired that's all" Harm lied. "I'll see you
tomorrow."
===========
WED
2 JAN 02
"Morning."
Mac was in the kitchen fixing coffee in the big urn and looked up to
see Harm
watching her. "You've seen me make coffee before."
"Yeah but never so needed," he sighed. "That cup from the 7-11 didn't
last long."
"Yeah I know what you mean."
"You didn't sleep either I take it?"
"Not more than a couple hours," she admitted, stopping herself from
adding
'unlike the night before when I was in your arms'.
"You know this thing is going to grow and fester and drive us apart,"
he
whispered. "If we let it. I think we should talk."
"I don't Harm. I don't think us talking right now is going to do
anything more than
throw up a bunch of roadblocks and red lights and I don't think we need
that."
"So we're just going to ignore it and regret it?"
"I don't even regret it like in the sense you mean," she reminded him.
"It was a
beautiful night. It's just that. . .hell I'm not even sure what it is.
It was just a
surprise and a shock and I'm reeling from how something that seemed so
right at
the time. . .well how I could question it the next day. In other words
I'm not very
happy with myself right now. Excuse me."
AJ heard her last several words as he approached and when she nodded a
bare
good morning and hurried past, he leveled a stern glare at Harm.
"Commander
tell me you're not pushing her buttons again."
Stifling an urge to laugh at the absurdity of the question, he simply
shook his
head. "No sir. We're having . . .well kind of an issue between us sir
but we're
going to work it out."
"See that you do," AJ nodded. "Meanwhile I believe you two are about
to embark
on the Priestly court martial?"
"Yes sir, I'll get with her later this morning and see if we can't work
out a defense."
===========
"Mac please, please just hear me out." Harm's plea carried down the
corridor
from the conference room's partly open doorway as AJ was walking
passed.
"Mac please."
"Not in this lifetime am I going to use that line in court," she
yelped and flung the
door open all the way before launching herself through and nearly
colliding with
AJ. "Excuse me sir," she gasped.
"Priestly?" he asked mildly.
"Yes sir, and my partner got the wrong assignment. He should be
prosecuting.
He's on her ex husband's side, but then all you men stick together. It
must be
genetic. Excuse me sir." And without waiting for dismissal she
hurried past him.
AJ glared at Harm. "I thought you were not pushing buttons
Commander."
"Sir, Petty Officer Priestly is. . .OK that's not important at the
moment, but I'm not
honest. I'm just laying out what I think could be used to keep her out
of
Leavenworth and my partner obviously has. . ."
"A slight problem with it?"
"She thinks I should be gassed," he muttered. "Sir really, we'll
figure this out.
Promise."
AJ shook his head and muttered to himself as he continued down the
hall.
====================
FRIDAY 4 Jan 02
330PM
"What the hell is wrong with you two," AJ raged, having them standing
at
attention in the center of his floor so that he could speak to them up
close. "Do
you realize Admiral Morris is on the verge of charging you both? And
if it wasn't a
Friday afternoon and he didn't want to get away he probably would have.
As it is,
he left me to deal with you, and I don't want to either."
"Sir I. . ." Harm began.
"Commander are you interrupting?"
"No sir not me."
"Good now shut up and listen. Whatever the problem is between you two,
I
want it fixed. And I want it fixed by the time you return to this
office at
08:00 hours on Monday. I don't care what it takes. Do I make myself
clear?"
"Yes sir" the both chorused.
"Good. Take a few hours off and get out of my sight before I change my
mind
and start filling out the paperwork to send you both to Iceland or
some
other hellish place."
"Mac, I'm sorry" Harm said quietly as he followed her into her office,
closing the door behind him. "This week has been hell and we need to
come to
some sort of common ground here."
"So what are you suggesting?" Mac sighed.
"For starters I think we need to talk about what happened. And then
see if
there isn't something we can do so that we're not at each other's
throats
the whole time we're together."
"We haven't really talked have we" she said quietly and he shook his
head.
"No Mac, you've avoided me and when you haven't been able to do that
you
pretty much made it clear that you don’t want to talk."
"Guilty" she admitted softly. "Okay. I agree we have to find a way to
work
through this before we destroy what little we'd gotten back. Any
thoughts on
how we do that?"
"I was going to suggest that maybe we try doing that talking somewhere
besides here. So there's no Sturgis or Harriet or anyone asking us
what's
going on."
"You want us to go away somewhere?"
"Okay, maybe it's not such a good idea" he sighed.
"No, you might be right" she said quietly. "Did you have anything in
mind?"
"Maybe Virginia Beach. It's pretty quiet this time of year and there
are
miles of boardwalk to walk. Of course if you really don’t want to, we
can
just stay here."
She was about to reply when she realized that Sturgis was looking at
them
through her open blinds. He caught her glance and quickly looked away.
"No you're right. We need to go somewhere where everyone is wondering
what
we're doing."
"I'll pick you up in an hour then?" he said quietly. "We can have a
late
dinner when we get there."
"Yeah that sounds good. I'll see you then."
En Route to Virginia Beach
2 Hours Later
"You know we could use this time to talk" Harm said with a small smile
as he
glanced over at Mac. They were out of the city and now on the quiet
stretch
of I-95 heading south.
"Sorry" she said as she looked over at him. "Just thinking."
"You want to share any of those thoughts?" he asked.
"They're still pretty messed up. I haven't been able to come up with a
straight thought since that night."
"Was it so awful?"
"No" she said quickly. "That's not what I meant. Harm it's just so
confusing."
"Why. Because it felt so right and yet something keeps telling you you
just
made the biggest mistake of your life."
"I don't consider it a mistake" she whispered.
"What then Mac?" he prodded. "What is bothering you so much?"
"I don't know. Lot's of things. And why am I suddenly on the stand
here? Why
don’t you tell what's bothering you so much?"
"That's easy," he said quietly. "Knowing I hurt you this much. Knowing
I did
what I promised myself I would never do to you. Knowing I may very
well have
lost my best friend and this time I might not get her back."
"You haven't lost your best friend."
"It feels like it. For the past three days you've looked at me like I
ruined
your life."
"I'm sorry. Sorry I'm making you feel that way. I just don't know what
I'm
feeling anymore."
"Mac, I know this isn't the way we wanted this to go" Harm said
quietly.
"But it's happened and we can't go back and erase it. We can only deal
with
and move on. Or we can let it destroy us and our friendship. I don't
want
that to happen."
"I don't either," she admitted. "We've been friends way too long and
have
gone through too much together to let that happen."
"So we agree we're not ready to chuck the whole thing," he said
hopefully.
"That we'll give being friends another chance."
She nodded and for the first time in days he felt like there might be
a
chance. That maybe they could work past this.
They arrived in Virginia Beach a few hours later, Harm heading to the
Ramada
Inn on the beach. After securing adjoining rooms, they dropped their
bags
before heading down to find dinner.
"So what are you in the mood for?" he asked.
"Why don't we just do dinner here at the hotel?" Mac suggested
tiredly.
Harm nodded and a few minutes later they were seated in a booth
overlooking
the nearly deserted boardwalk.
"Feels good to be out of DC," she said softly, her voice quiet.
"You're tired aren't you?" he asked gently. "Been a long week. That
Priestly
case. . .plus all the other crap that hit. Thank God for Turner being
there to help."
He paused a beat and added, "but that's not all that's bothering you I
know. I just
don't know how to make it right."
"You can't because you did nothing wrong," she told him. "This is
about me, and
my reactions."
"And my guilt," he added. "Because I've got it, in spades. And fear."
"Excuse me? Fear of what--me?"
"No of course not," he smiled gently. "Fear that as far as we had come
since that
night on the Admiral's porch, since the night of my accident, since the
10K, since
Christmas Eve---as far as we've come since all that to try to make 'us'
happen.
For all that, I'm afraid I've blown it in a single night of not being
able to keep my
pants zipped."
"I want you to not blame yourself," she told him firmly, sliding her
hand across the
table to cover his. "Please. In fact if anything that's making me
feel worse about
everything. I was a very willing participant. I wanted you to love
me. If I hadn't I
would have told you know, and I know you--you would have stopped."
"But it feels like I forced it."
"You didn't. So get over it."
"I'd do that easier if I knew where we were going from here."
She took another long, almost ragged, breath. "Honestly I don't know.
I do know I
want you as part of my life. Don't ever think I don't. Right now I'm
just confused
and that is so stating the obvious I'm embarrassed."
"I want to help, but then I'm carrying my own after affects," he
sighed, squeezing
her hand hard. "But you know I'll do anything I can to help. Just
tell me."
"Right now just a little patience with me would be a start." She
pulled her hand
away to take a long drink of her water and to fish in her bag, pulling
out the Advil
bottle.
"You OK?" he frowned at once.
"I've just been having headaches I can't shake," she said distractedly
as she
fumbled with the bottle.
He took the bottle from her with an annoyed sweep of his hand. "And
I'm just now
hearing about this? You've been sick all week haven't you?"
"I've had headaches," she repeated, accepting the two pills from him.
"Headaches and stomach upset and yes I've been not feeling well and yes
I'm just
now telling you because there's not a blessed thing you can do. I
think that's why
getting away this weekend suddenly sounded good."
"I see," he said quietly. He had hoped that she was glad to be away to
be with
him.
At once she read his thoughts. "Harm I wanted to come here for us to
be together
too. Maybe outside DC we can find some kind of mutual ground that we
don't
clash."
Before he could answer, their orders arrived. She picked listlessly at
her pasta,
while he managed about half his fish before giving up. "It's too cold
to walk
outside. I'd suggest we go into the lounge and hear some music but you
don't
look like you feel up to that. You just want to go back upstairs?"
"I really do," she admitted. "Would that be OK? Would you mind? I
mean if you
want to go have a drink. . ."
"No," he said firmly. "We came here to be together. I'm sure we can
put on a
movie."
"Thanks," she smiled and when she rose from the booth she was unsteady
enough on her feet to get his immediate attention. "Mac?"
"It's nothing, just got up too fast." Nonetheless she did not shrug
off his grasping
hands and when his arm slipped around her waist, actually leaned in to
him.
"Let's get you up to your room" Harm said gently. "Maybe we'll skip
that
movie and just let you get some rest."
"I can handle a movie" she protested as he led her to the elevators.
"I'm
just a little tired that's all."
"Yeah and a week of not sleeping because some jerk messed up your life
is
the reason for that" he sighed as the elevator door closed.
"Harm, don't" she said softly. "No more blame. Please. First off you
didn't
mess up my life and second you are not a jerk. Well most of the time."
Her
tone was light and he gave her a small smile.
"Okay, no more of my blame. At least not in front of you. If I want to
beat
myself up about what happened I'll do it alone."
"Good. Now let's see what flics they've got playing and attempt to end
this
evening on a good note."
"I'd like that" he said as they reached her door. "We'll watch it in
your
room so when you fall asleep I can just turn off the lights and not
disturb
you."
"Sounds good. Just give me a minute to change into something
comfortable."
A few minutes later they lay on her bed watching the movie. It was
long
before her eyes grew heavy and Harm watched as they finally closed.
For a
long time he just sat and watched her, seeing the lines of stress and
hating
that he was responsible for that. She'd been through enough last year
and
he'd hoped this was going to be their year. The year they finally made
it
work.
"Yeah and we might have if I hadn't screwed it up" he murmured as he
carefully slid from the bed and pulled the blankets up to tuck her in.
"Night Sarah" he whispered, not able to resist placing a light kiss on
her
lips before heading to his room.
He soon realized he wasn’t as tired and with a long sigh donned a pair
of
sweats and sweatshirt. Maybe a jog on the boardwalk would help take
away
some of his pent up energy.
Minutes later he started down the empty boardwalk. The sound of the
waves
pounding the surf kept him company as he ran. This was what he needed.
A
physical workout to take his mind off everything else. Despite the
fact that
he and Mac were finally talking, it was still a long way from where
they had
been. He pounded the pavement harder, pushing himself down the long
boardwalk. From 6th street down to 38th he ran, finally stopping at
the end
of the boardwalk, panting hard as he caught his breath. With a long
sigh, he
looked down the long boardwalk, deciding he'd walk it back. He turned
and
slowly started back, the sound of the waves drawing him down to the
surf. He
took the steps down to the beach, walking slowly to the water's edge.
From
there he slowly walked back to the hotel, every step wondering what he
could
do to make it work with Mac. Their timing had never been right and
though it
was obvious that both of them had enjoyed their encounter on New
Years, it
just hadn't been the right time for that step. Sighing, he slowly
continued
on, in no hurry to go back to his room and sit and think about the
woman in
the room next to him.
Inside her room, Mac woke with a start, surprised to find the room
dark and
Harm gone. She realized she must have fallen asleep during the movie
and
Harm had just left without waking her. For a moment she sat quietly,
listening for sound from his room to see if he was still awake. She
finally
threw the covers back and walked over to the door adjoining their
rooms and
knocked softly.
"Harm you awake?" she called. "Harm?"
There was no answer and with a sigh she headed back to her bed. He's
probably gone down to the bar to get the drink he'd talked about
earlier.
For a moment she felt the stab of jealousy as she pictured him sitting
at
the bar alone, some tall blonde walking up to him and making the moves
on
him.
"What do you expect Mackenzie" she chided herself, willing back tears.
She'd
been rotten to him all week and it wouldn't surprise her if he turned
and
ran the other way. Right into another woman's arms.
She turned on the TV and flipped through the stations while her mind
wondered where Harm was. She heard his door open a short time later
and she
listened carefully for the sound of another woman with him. When she
heard
nothing, she slowly walked back to the door, knocking lightly. She
waited
and seconds later he opened the door.
"Hey I thought you were sleeping," he said softly.
"I woke up and you were gone. I thought you'd gone down to the bar or
something. Obviously you didn't," she said as she looked at his
sweat-drenched clothes.
"I couldn't sleep and I didn't feel like sitting in a smoky bar so I
decided
a run might do the trick" he replied. "You thought I'd gone to the
bar?"
"Well you'd mentioned getting a drink earlier and I just figured…" her
voice
trailed off and she looked away.
"You figured I'd gone down to the bar to pick up someone else after I
tucked
you in?" he said quietly. "Thanks Mac. I can see how highly you think
of
me."
"No that's not it" she said quickly, despite knowing that's exactly
what
she'd been thinking.
"Yeah sure whatever you say" Harm sighed, knowing that was in fact
what
she'd been thinking. He'd known her long enough to know when she was
lying
to him and it was obvious that she'd figured he'd gone down to the bar
to
find someone else for the night. "isn't that why you waited when you
heard
me come in? To make sure I was alone?"
"Hey I am not your witness to badger," she protested. "So I'll thank
you to watch
your tone and what you say."
"What about what you're saying--or implying?," he countered and his
tone
softened. "Mac honestly I'm not in the market for anyone else and it's
insulting to
me for you to think I would be."
"OK," she said evenly. "Then what are you in the market for?"
"Believe it or not, the same thing you are," he answered and turned on
his heel.
"Now excuse me. I'm going to get out of these sweaty clothes and maybe
I can
sleep."
Before she could answer he vanished into the bathroom and she sank down
onto
the bed, keeping her tears under control and feeling the start of
another
headache. She heard the shower come on and for a moment simply sat
there
imagining him washing the sweat from himself. That image, coupled with
a
general need to be held, propelled her to the bathroom and she slipped
silently
through the door. Praying she would not be sorry, she quickly dropped
her
clothes to the floor and opened the shower door. "Harm?"
He froze at the sound of her voice. Here was a long held fantasy
coming to pass.
Sarah Mackenzie, on the verge of joining him in the shower.
"Harm may I come in?"
"Please," he managed to get out, starting to turn around.
"No don't," she ordered. "Just stand right like that please. I'm not
sure I believe
I'm doing this, and having you not look at me is going to make it
easier."
"Uh. . .OK," he exhaled, barely breathing while she moved behind him.
A second
later her arms came around his waist he felt her crush herself to his
back.
"Hi," she whispered, resting the side of her face against his broad
back. "I
wondered if you wanted company."
"You? Always," he responded at once. "Always. Let me know when I can
turn
around."
With a deep breath for courage, "now."
It took but a moment after doing so for his mouth to find hers. For
the next several
minutes they stood under the warm water, maintaining that contact. He
shut off
the water finally and brought her to him in a long embrace.
"You think you can sleep now?" she asked huskily.
"I think I could with some company. Is that what you had in mind?"
"Oh yeah. Oh yeah," she whispered again, her voice muffled by his
chest.
===============
Saturday dawned clear with warming temperatures and the sun sparkled
over the
surf. She had still be sleeping when he awoke and was standing on the
balcony
when he heard her stir and mumble his name.
"Here honey," he answered, using the term without stopping to think
about it.
"Did you sleep good?" she called softly, pushing herself to a sitting
position in time
to see him come back into the room.
He smiled slowly. "Yeah I did. I just needed a beautiful woman in my
arms."
"Lame," she groaned. "I don't suppose there's coffee?"
"In the coffee shop of course," he laughed and sat down next to her,
sobering
quickly. "Do we need to talk?"
"No we don't," she responded at once in a firm tone. "Maybe we've done
too
much of that. I was thinking of breakfast and maybe renting a tandem
bike before
the boardwalk gets crowded. I can RIO for you."
"You're on."
The remainder of the day passed happily as they spent the morning
traversing the
boardwalk, then in the afternoon she let him talk her into a bucket of
balls at the
driving range.
"I always wanted to play golf, and now that I have, I find out that I'm
singularly
crappy at it," she moaned when they were walking back to the car,
rubbing her
already sore shoulder.
"How are you at dancing?" he asked. "And never mind because I know
how. The
desk clerk recommended a place. Dinner and dancing?"
She stopped and stared at him. "That sounds an awful lot like a date."
"Whatever you want to call it," he grinned. "Well?"
"I guess that could work" she said slowly.
"Don't sound so enthusiastic."
"I'm just surprised. But dinner and dancing sounds nice."
"I'll give you some time to relax and get ready then. Seven sound good
to
you?"
He knocked on her door at exactly seven, and let out a long whistle
when he
saw her. She had on a short black dress and for a moment he could only
stare.
"What?" she smiled.
"You look gorgeous" he managed finally.
"You probably say that to all the girls sailor" Mac teased. "And you
don't
look so bad yourself."
"Shall we?" he said as he held out his arm for her.
"Such a gentleman" she smiled as she took his arm.
She managed to talk him into dinner at one of the local steak places
that
served seafood as well and a short time later they sat at a corner
table of
the dimly lit room.
"So have you had fun today?" he asked.
"Well the fact that we've managed to go this long without a fight is
progress" she said with a small smile.
"You think we can keep that up when we get back to JAG?"
"I hope so. Iceland is not on my list of places I'd like an
assignment."
"Me neither" he smiled. "Not to mention I hate fighting with you. I
like it
better when we get along like this."
"So do I" she admitted.
After dinner they walked down the strip to one of the nightclubs, Harm
finding them a table near the dance floor.
"You are going to dance right?" he asked as he returned from the bar
with
his beer and her tonic water.
"When they play something I recognize" she laughed.
"I'll see what I can do about that" Harm smiled as he headed up to the
DJ.
Mac watched him with a smile as he chatted with the DJ, finally coming
back
to the table a few minutes later.
"Give him a few minutes and I promise they'll play something we can
dance
too" he said a sat down beside her.
"How'd you manage that?" she grinned. "I didn’t see you bribe him."
"I told him I was on a first date and trying very hard to make a good
impression" Harm smiled. "And that I needed a good song for a slow
romantic
dance."
Sure enough after the next song, the music changed to the slow rock
ballad,
Love of a Lifetime.
"Okay, Harm. Here's the slow one you requested for Sarah" the DJ
boomed.
"May I have this dance?" Harm asked as he held out his hand.
"I'm so embarrassed" Mac whispered as the others in the bar watched
them
walk out to the dance floor.
"Why?" he smiled as he wrapped his arms around her once they were on
the
dance floor.
"Did you pick the song too?" she asked as she listened to the words of
the
song.
I finally found the love of a lifetime A love to last my whole life
through
I finally found the love of a lifetime Forever in my heart, I finally
found
the love of a lifetime
"Maybe, maybe not" he teased. "That's my secret."
"I'll just have to check with the DJ," she said softly as they swayed
to the
music. She closed her eyes, listening to the words and enjoying the
feel of
his arms around her.
As the song came to an end she finally lifted her head and looked up at
him.
Before she could say a word, his lips came crashing down on hers, a
long
kiss ensuing.
"Maybe we should go back to the table," he said sheepishly as the DJ
played
another dance tune.
"Uh, yeah that would be a good idea" Mac blushed as she felt the others
in
the nightclub still watching them.
"Sorry, I didn't realize we were going to be doing a solo act there" he
smiled. "I hope you're not mad."
"No, the song made up for it" she said softly. "Just tell me. Did you
pick
it out or did the DJ?"
"I did," he admitted softly. "I…."
"Lt. Commander Rabb" a voice interrupted and both looked up to see a
petite
young woman standing beside their table. "It is you. When the DJ said
Harm I
knew it couldn't be anyone else."
"Ensign Maylor" Harm said as he recognized the young woman from the
Henry.
"Nice to see you."
"I can't believe its you. It's been how long since the Henry?"
Mac raised and eyebrow and Harm shot her a pleading look to bear with
him.
"A few years Ensign" Harm said finally. "Ensign Elizabeth Maylor this
is my
partner and friend Colonel Sarah Mackenzie."
"Nice to meet you" Mac said courteously. "You and Harm served together
aboard the Henry."
"I worked in public affairs," Elizabeth said as she took a seat at the
table, much to Mac's surprise. She gave Harm a long look as the young
woman
continued to ramble on about how she'd known Harm from the Henry. For
the
next half-hour Mac listened as Harm and Elizabeth caught up with each
other,
Harm seemingly ignoring her glares. Listening to the woman and the
music was
bringing on another one of her headaches and she finally excused
herself to
the ladies room.
She started to return to the table a few minutes later, only to see
Harm and
Elizabeth now chatting very chummily at the bar. Her headache now in
full
force, she turned and headed out of the nightclub. If Harm wanted to
spend
the night with some young ensign he'd likely made it with on the Henry;
she'd let him. With tears in her eyes, she hurried back to the hotel,
making
it to her room before collapsing on the bed in tears.
Her despair quickly subsided as anger took over; anger at Harm and
anger at
herself for allowing him to provoke such a reaction. "Damn you Rabb,"
she
gasped and sat up, feeling her head pound in time with her heartbeat.
Groaning in pain, she collapsed back onto the bed, closing her eyes and
attempting some relaxation breaths and some self-counseling to calm
down.
Her realization that her reaction was out of proportion to the
situation
both
annoyed and alarmed her. "Damn you Harmon Rabb," she muttered once
more,
slamming her fist into the pillow. "Mackenzie you've got to get a grip
or
you're not going to be any good to anyone, including JAG." Two more
tears
squeezed out before a forced calm took over, and she lay there in the
darkness, not expecting to see Harm the remainder of the night.
========
"Harm what's wrong?" Elizabeth asked him a fast thirty minutes later.
They
had met up with another officer from the Henry, along with his date and
were all catching up. Before Harm realized it, the time had passed and
he could
not see Mac through the crowd.
"I'm not seeing Mac," he frowned.
"Didn't you tell me she was a Marine," Elizabeth pointed out, winding
her
arm around his. "I'm sure she's capable of taking care of herself."
"Liz, don't," he admonished her, pulling his arm away. "She is very
capable thank you. She also hasn't been feeling well and I've been
horribly rude
to her ignoring her like this. Excuse me." Disregarding the glare
from his
former shipmate he pushed his way through the thong back to the table,
finding it empty. Vaguely recalling her saying she was going to the
ladies
room he headed that way, nearly colliding with Elizabeth who saw what
he
was doing.
"Here I'll look for her," she said quietly. "It's the least I can do
after
that Marine crack. Honestly I didn't mean to upset her. I didn't know
you
and her were involved." Her eyes narrowed in disapproval. "I'd be
upset
too if my guy talked to some other woman while I was totally out of the
loop."
"We're not involved. . .well we are but. . .we're not really," he
stammered
still looking around distractedly. "Hell I don't know and right now I
just
want to find her. There's more of a rough crowd in here than before.
Like
all the drunks converged on this place."
"Relax. If she's not in here she's out on the deck getting some air.
I
don't think she'd walk anywhere alone on a Saturday night in this part
of
the city."
"Liz, we're strangers here. She wouldn't know. . .my God see if she's
in
there please." His alarm was growing by the minute and he gave her a
little push, pacing while he waited.
She was shaking her head when she emerged. "Sorry Harm, no,"
"She's gone back to the hotel then," he gasped, Elizabeth's words about
walking in that part of town alone ringing in his ears.
Not even stopping to pay the tab, he ran from the nightclub and down
the
strip, getting some sense of what Elizabeth had been saying as he
pushed
his way through the growing numbers out taking advantage of the mild
night,
some of them looking like nothing more than common street criminals.
He was panting hard by the time he reached the hotel, and impatiently
he
tore through his door and then the connecting door, shouting her name,
feeling
His heart pounding in his chest and the room began to spin as the
exertion and
anxiety caught up with him.
Her room was dark and she sat up slowly, having just gotten to sleep.
"Harm, Harm I'm right here," she called quietly, turning on the bedside
lamp. In
the dim light she could see that he had scared and was now paying for
it.
"Get over here and sit down before you fall on your face," she ordered,
making space for him on the bed. "What the hell is the matter with
you?"
"With me?" he sputtered, nonetheless staggering forward and her arms
instinctively went out for him. "With me? What the hell is the matter
with you, leaving the place like that without telling me. I was
worried."
"Yeah you looked real worried when you and that Renee clone were all
cozy,"
she retorted. "And no I don't want to talk. Are you OK?"
"I'm fine" he managed as he finally caught his breath. "And I do want
to
talk."
"Why? What's the point?"
"Mac, I was worried about you. And I wasn't getting cozy with Liz. She
was
the one being cozy and as soon as I realized you hadn't come back I
took off
to find you."
"Yeah well you looked pretty cozy from where I was standing."
"You know what you're right" he said as he stood up. "This is
pointless. No
matter what I say you have you own idea of what you thought you saw
tonight.
So why should I bother."
She watched him walk back to his room, the door between their rooms
slamming
behind him. For a moment she sat there, silent tears running down her
face.
Finally she turned off the light and laid her head down on the pillow,
crying softly. It was obvious to her that it would never happen for
them.
That they would never be able to get past all the things that kept
them from
being together. That no matter how right it felt when they were in
each
other's arms, they weren't meant to be.
In his room, Harm sat on the edge of the bed, wondering how what had
been so
right had gone so wrong in the blink of an eye. He could close his
eyes and
remember how good it had felt to hold her while they danced, the words
of
the song saying exactly what he couldn't. But with a long sigh he
realized
that no matter what he did, Mac would always see the worst in him.
And if
that was the case, they had no future together.
JAG HQ's
3 Days Later
"Commander" Mac said coolly as Harm walked into the breakroom.
"Colonel" Harm said just as coolly as he reached past her for the
coffeepot.
"We need to discuss the Emerson case this morning" she said curtly.
"Is
there time in your schedule for that?"
"I'll check and let you know" he said without looking in her
direction.
"Morning folks" AJ boomed as he walked.
"Morning sir" they said in unison, giving each other a long look as
they did
so.
"Well I guess this is an improvement over the bickering" AJ sighed.
"Not
much of an improvement but at least you're not disrupting the office
anymore."
"Yes sir, it's better than the alternative," Harm said as he glared at
Mac.
"And probably the best we can hope for at this time."
"Maybe one of you needs some time away" AJ muttered as he walked out.
"And I suppose it's my fault that this is the best we can hope for?"
Mac
said irritably.
"No Colonel, I wasn't saying that" Harm retorted. "You just
interpreted it
that way. Just like you interpret everything in you own special way."
"I liked it better when we didn't talk" she snapped as she grabbed her
cup
and walked out of the breakroom, nearly colliding with Sturgis.
"Sorry" Sturgis said quickly.
She gave him a long look before continuing to her office and Sturgis
looked
over at Harm.
"Before you open your mouth don't" Harm said tersely. "It's not up for
discussion."
"Excuse me" Sturgis said as Harm walked out.
It was late afternoon when AJ made his way from his office to Harm's.
"Commander, can I have a moment of your time?" AJ asked as he walked
in and
sat down.
"Yes sir, I was just going to go talk to the Colonel about the Emerson
case
but it can wait."
"Yes it can. Because I'm going to assign the Emerson case to Mr.
Turner. I
think I have something else you might be interested in handling."
"What is it sir?"
"Captain Ingles called from the Henry. He's got a situation out there
and
needs some help."
"What kind of situation?" Harm asked.
"His legal affairs person has resigned their commission mid cruise" AJ
replied. "Seems being in the Navy suddenly isn't what she wants to do.
Ingles is begging for someone but its going to be a few weeks before
they
can get him someone. I thought in the interim you might like to go.
Our case
load is pretty low right now and the change of scenery might do us all
good."
"Yes sir, I would" Harm said after a moment's thought. Being away from
JAG
might be the best thing for both of them at this point.
"Good. Captain Ingles will be expecting you. Hell you might even get
to fly
again. I heard he's pretty low on pilots as well."
"I could handle that" Harm smiled. "When can I leave sir?"
"I'll let the Colonel know that Turner is going to be handling Emerson
so
whenever you can catch a ride out of Andrews you can go."
"Thank you sir."
"Do me a favor Harm" AJ said as he stood up. "While you're out there,
try
and figure out what it will take to get you and the Colonel back on
speaking
terms. And then do it."
"Aye Aye sir" Harm replied, adding a "if I had a clue to what that was
I'd
do it" under his breath.
"Dismissed Commander."
Harm walked toward Mac's office, only to be stopped by Turner. "Don't
bother."
"Excuse me?"
"She's gone to the brig at Quantico for a client interview. Anything I
can do? And
yes I realize I'm not as pretty as she is."
"Do I look like I'm in the mood for your humor? No thanks," Harm
sighed. "I just
had something I needed to tell her. It can wait."
For the remainder of the day, Harm cleared up his pending cases, giving
them to
Bud and Sturgis, and making notes for Mac on their joint cases.
At 4PM she had not returned, and he was still in need of going to his
place to
pack. Finally he asked Tiner about her.
"Yes sir, she called about thirty ago and said she was still tied up
and would be
going straight home from there."
"Yeah thanks," he nodded. After bidding a quick goodbye to Turner,
along with
Bud and Harriet, and finally AJ, he drove back to his place, throwing
his things into
his duffel while he made several attempts to call her, stopping each
time before
the call went through. At that point he had no idea what he would say
to her, and
it wasn't something he wanted to do over the phone anyway. In a last
action
before leaving, he gave the heavy duffel a swift kick of frustration.
He would not
be gone forever, and when he returned, he vowed they would try again.
It was not until staff call the following day that Mac would learn of
Harm's
assignment. She had been sitting listlessly, knowing Harm was not
there and not
wanting to ask why. She had spent the evening hoping he would call,
praying he
would not, and making several false starts to call him. When she made
herself to
go bed, she did not sleep, and she knew it showed this morning.
"I want to thank everyone for not griping about the extra cases with
Mr. Rabb
gone," AJ was saying.
"Gone?" Mac heard herself ask. "Gone where. . Uh sir?"
"TAD to the Henry." AJ gave her a puzzled look. "I would have thought
he would
have told you, or at least left you a message. I'm sorry. You were
gone yesterday
yourself. Captain Ingles lost his Public Affairs officer this week,
and he asked me
if he could borrow the Commander."
"For how. . ?" She stopped and cleared her throat. "For how long
sir?" she got
out, thinking to her own TAD of ninety days.
"It's open ended at the moment Mac," AJ said, still surprised she did
not know.
"Understand. Thank you sir." She managed to get through the remainder
of the
meeting, hurrying to her office when it was through. A quick check of
her
messages and email yielded nothing and she sank back into her chair,
willing
back tears of frustration. Things had gotten bad between them, partly
her fault,
partly his, but she never expected that he would simply leave,
especially without
talking to her first. "Dammit Rabb," she muttered, slamming her fist
onto the desk,
which helped keep tears at bay. "I can play that game too. You want
to be gone,
be gone."
THE END