A LITTLE PUSH By Jessica Lorraine Feedback: mailto:anyml4lyf@netscape.net Rating: PG SPOILERS: all episodes and the season finale. SUMMARY: Conversations turn to arguments and apologies are forced. Can’t tell you more, I’d be giving it away. DISCLAIMER: JAG belongs to CBS. I don’t own anything in this story except the plot and conversations. No copyright infringement is intended with this work of fiction. ******************** I thought of a way spontaneously, on how to arouse my partner to open up somewhat. Harm and I never spoke seriously on personal matters since the admiral’s porch (my engagement party) and while we were on the Guadalcanal last year. I had always tried to lead him to the point, yet he seemed unable to respond and move on. As of last month, he was yet sluggish and content as he had always been. Wanting nothing, he searched for nothing and sought to keep nothing. About one month ago, I had just finished a hearing for an epileptic 86-year-old retired master chief, Gregory Burns. He supposedly had been cheated of his retirement, having served in the Navy for twenty-eight years. The odd benefactor who brought the case forward was his grandson, Steven Burns, an adorable analyst for the Washington Times. 1652 Zulu JAG Headquarters November 17, 2002 “I hereby declare that Retired Master Chief Gregory Burns, granted all fees totaling $575,000 and awarded the Vietnam Veterans’ Medal of Honor for his performance on the USS Patrick Henry.” Judge Sebring closed the hearing after 4 days of court. “Dismissed.” Afterwards, Steve thanked me and asked if I had a business card but I replied with a smart comeback, “And why would you need the services of a Marine lawyer? You’re not in the military, you know?” I smiled at him as he walked me into my empty office. “Well, perhaps that’s the only way I can get in touch with such a beautiful woman who looks so busy!” I couldn’t help but chuckle. “Have dinner with me on Friday? 7:30?” His sorry blue eyes twinkled and I could not reject an offer as that. So far, I hadn’t dated an analyst, and a handsome one. “Okay.” “Thank you.” He let out a sigh and then we shook hands cordially. That was it. I was hooked into another relationship. However, I believed myself quite sane this time and if I screwed up again then I’d know men weren’t made for girls like me. I was unwillingly snapped into reality again as Harm came into my office looking for some file or other. The mention of the file thus brought me reminders that I had a dinner date with him in the break room next Monday and I hadn’t even started my research. 2402 Zulu November 21, 2002 Break Room “You know, this guy seems perfect to be true. I would at least like to see one flaw.” Harm stopped as he yawned. Therefore, I commented… “Harm, maybe you should stop going to clubs and parties at night and maybe you’d have a goodnights’ rest.” I exaggerated jokingly. “What?” he looked up confused. He covered himself once more, “And you’re any better? Today at the Carlson court martial, you yawned at least five times and drooped your head twice.” He snickered back. “So what? That was this morning. Now that its 2410 I am wide awake and more able to continue that you!” “You saying women are stronger than men?” “Now where did you get that conclusion? I was merely saying you use your time rather unwisely.” Before I could go on to my intended point I found the flaw we were tacitly seeking in the defendant. “I don’t have much time to use anyway…”he trailed off with some excuse. “Besides, I…” and that was the beginning of why we were so distant in the first place. He picked up his mug and sipped his coffee. He never, during the conversation looked up at me. I grew serious and I felt the encouraging silence beckon me to express my deepest, hidden thoughts to this stranger of late. “Harm,” the name spoken confidently from my lips assured me, “look at me, please.” He did as I asked, kindly. “Why is it that you avert every conversation? Did you ever once re-evaluate your life and try to open up while you could?” I seemed completely strange to him as he winced and stared blank. “Mac, what in the world are we talking about here? Life in general?” He read my steady glare. “Something else? If this is going where I think, I don’t think this is a good t…” “—See! Exactly what I mean!” My voice rose incredibly. Who could have imagined I could be so impassioned? “Harm, you never let anyone in. Not me, not Jordan, nor Annie, or Renee. Then who? How do you live with confusion?” “Confusion? So now I’m confused.” His indignation heightened with every current of questions. “Why try to figure me out, huh? You’ll only end up getting infected with my said confusion anyway?” “Tell me what you feel, Harm! That is if you feel anything.” I calmed after this line, this center of my hope, which had drifted on the clouds and had now thudded to the table. “Harm, let me in. Your eyes, your face and your posture are cold. Tell me. Is your heart the same?” I held back tears. “How dare you! How!” He could but barely say. He had lurched forward from sitting on the opposite side of the horizontal table. He was now walking further from me and towards the furthest end of the table. I would not chase him, not this time. He turned his back to me, as I had expected long ago, and he began his same sad story, tangled in years of spider’s webs and dust. “Mac, I see where this is going, and I don’t want to go there tonight, with you,” he added. “But you need this, Harm. I see you so tormented daily.” “And how do you know what’s best for me? Do you even know what’s best for yourself? Don’t tell me what I need! Please! Why try anymore?” “Harm, I hate to say this but we’re such strangers. I can’t remember the last time we had a good time together, honestly.” “Mac, stop.” “No! No. Do you even feel anything in that stone heart of yours?” I shouted impatiently. The whole room seemed to echo it back to me and I felt the rush of painful tears take over and then I was no longer in control, but my emotions were. “Ouch!” he put his fist to his chest as if to hold a pain there and grimacing his face in scorn. He then turned away again. “That hurt, Sarah.” And I believed him. I really did hurt him although I never thought it possible. It was too easy. “That’s really none of your business. By the way, I hear you have someone. Steve? So why are you over here snooping around me?” His patience was running out. “You are such a flirt! You, liar! You made Renee think she was getting a life with you forever.” “So what? You did the same to Brumby!” “You only loved Annie for Josh and you used Jordan.” “And you didn’t do that to all the other men you’ve been with?” “You left them or used them. Either way you took their hearts and broke them senselessly in their faces so as not to damage your soft self-esteem. You have never given any woman even a fraction of you soul. That shows how little you are, Harm. I pity you!” “Pity me?” He was so hurt but there was never going to be an opportunity as this. I couldn’t let it go, not now, I was way to deep in. He continued, battered with my accusations, “Fine. How do you know all of this? I guess you’ve never seen me to be in love before. Maybe you should stop right here.” “I know this because I’ve examined everything, everyone you’ve been with. And I saw that you had no regard in any of these except for pleasure and I find that very displeasing.” “Displeasing?” “Yes, you heard what I said.” “Why? Are you attached to me in some way that I’ve broken your heart too? Huh?” He exaggerated this last line as to shift the conversation. “Leave me alone, this is about you.” “Oh, so I have to be the only one to be interrogated? Fine then. If it can’t be any other way for us.” I wanted to scream out in all my body and curse my brain for thinking that I could chide him into telling me how he felt. I got nothing and still had the same result for three weeks, until the Christmas party at the Admiral’s house. 2430 Zulu Admiral Chegwidden’s Home December 23, 2002 He was standing alone in the middle of the room gazing at something of which I seemed quite ignorant. He held his wine glass in his left hand and faced our direction. As Steve and I glided across the room to the drink table, I half purposely, half ignorantly, walked into Harm’s right side with my right shoulder. I am sure that blow was more of annoyance than pain, seeing that I had not turned around to apologize. The past two weeks since our argument, I felt I was punishing him. He found out about Steve and me by accident, he had to sit second chair to me in the Carlson court martial, and I never asked favors. I never received one glance of hatred; no snappy comments. He always said, “Good Morning, Mac,” despite my vigor and barely argued during the Carlson court martial. Return to the present, I felt his awe-struck gaze on Steven and me. He had turned back around and I noticed Sturgis mouth to him, “What’s going on with you two?” I never heard Harm’s response to this question, but Sturgis went on, “You sure? Maybe you should tell you’re sorry.” “Maybe I can’t apologize for who I am, Turner!” He used the same tone as three weeks ago in the break room. He walked out of the door, but not before placing his glass on a lamp stand and bidding farewell to the Admiral. He didn’t even bother looking at me. What else had I expected? Just then, a familiar inquisitive voice accompanied my thoughts. “Colonel, why are you punishing him like this? What has he done now?” I only replied to keep him further in mystery. “Perhaps, I wasn’t hard enough.” “How inconceivable this sounds, even for you, Colonel.” “What do you mean?” “Tell me first, what has he done to deserve this.” “Nothing, exactly nothing at all.” “I am very sorry, Mac, but are you accustomed to making everything a puzzle?” “No, commander. You misunderstand. Harm just needs a change right now, he’s so stuck in his life, its time for him to move on.” “Wait, I thought you wanted Me to stop meddling in the affairs of others!” “Harm and I are different.” I exclaimed unwisely. “How? Do you mean you ARE involved? Even while you’re seeing Steve?” “That’s not what I meant. I just know things about him, and he needs to talk to someone, some help would do him good. Besides, I’ve known him way too long to ignore it.” “Maybe he doesn’t want to move on. Maybe it’s too painful. Maybe he doesn’t want your help, Colonel.” “He needs it though.” “You should worry about your own problems. Steve is standing there all alone.” I took to note that Sturgis knew something I didn’t, otherwise, he wouldn’t defend Harm so vigorously. But then again, they’re both men and closer of friends than Harm would ever consider us. I really didn’t want this for us, but I knew he needed someone. Sometimes, I feel like he’s the oddest creature on this earth, but then he’s still the best friend I’ve ever had. I never thought we’d be so torn apart over this. We used to talk personally before. Perhaps he was so sick of hearing about my problems and me being and alcoholic or something. Why won’t he open up? It’s not like I’d go publish my findings in the Navy Times. Hmm. Telling him how I felt would only endanger our already gaping relationship. Such were the thoughts that swamped my mind. I barely spoke to Steve, with whom I had now established a stable relationship. I was so lost in thought I forgot to ask Harriet about Bud’s condition: She must have thought me a very disloyal friend. The only resolution, the thing I dreaded most, was clouding over me and only confusion would rain down if I didn’t go. I had to see Harm tonight. I had to. This was my fault. Now he hates me and everyone else. 0346 Zulu North of Union Station Harm’s Apartment Four knocks to his thick metal door told him that it could only be me, his horrible partner whom he obviously didn’t want to see. I tried again but no response. I cried through the door, “Harm? Harm! It’s me, Mac. Open up!” I heard only the bustle of his kitchen pots and is sliding across the wooden floor apparently without socks. “Harm, please!” The movement stopped. Now tears of failure and destruction streamed down my face, but Harm couldn’t see them. He could see his own needs, how could he notice mine. I slouched onto the floor, with my back against the door. I wrapped my bloodless, pale arms around my knees to my chest. I didn’t feel or hear anything until I awoke at the strong smell of freshly ground coffee beans. Coffee. Harm. I glanced around the room to notice I was lying on Harm’s black leather couch and the rays of sun were barely seeping through the closed blinds. I sat up and what other face met my own than my partner. He didn’t smile and he didn’t grimace. “Good Morning,” he said politely. Too polite for me, I felt like an idiot. He handed me a mug. “Good morning, Harm. Thank you.” We sat there for fifteen minutes and thirty-seven seconds before he ventured to open his mouth about to say something. I helped him out a little. “I know. You’re probably wondering why I’m here. Right?” He again stared blank at me. I wasn’t sure if he was confused or amazed. I guess my mind reading skills needed help. “Actually, I was going to ask if you slept okay.” He save himself and I would only allow it once. “Yeah, pretty good actually. It’s been a while since our last slumber party.” He wasn’t in a jolly mood but he did manage to slightly smile. Perhaps he tried to control his anger before me. I looked at my half empty cup and licked my lips, dried from all my tears. I felt that Harm was now reading the pages of my heart. “Sarah, I am very sorry for the pain I’ve caused you. I am so sorry that we don’t trust each other anymore.” I almost said, ‘speak for yourself,’ but I let him continue undisturbed. “I’m sorry that I can’t move on like you would wish. However, I do know that you’re the closest friend I’ve had and I shouldn’t have treated you like a stranger. There is no good excuse or reason for why I built a wall between us. My motive came from an event that happened years ago. I let it go a long time ago, but…” he was suffering. I felt it without looking at him. “It seems that everyone can read our story and assume that I’m in love with you and say that you’re my match for life. I already know the truth about myself. I was afraid of commitment, you made me realize that. I guess what I’m really trying to say is that I have feelings for you that I can’t accept.” He paused and looked down on his trembling hands. His voice began to crack, and I felt I had seen enough suffering. The first word I could say in the whole conversation was “Why?” My own voice became sincere and soft, like it was before Harm and I ever drifted apart. “Because I value our friendship too much to venture on to something even more risky.” “What friendship? We’ve been as good as strangers this last year, blindly seeking out a lost relationship. Besides, we’ve been through so much without speaking about our issues. They’ve just piled up and are eating us alive. All I want is for you to talk to me. That’s all.” I stared at him pleadingly. Then I gazed at the floor. Harm moved closer to me and sat on the coffee table with his legs spread out on both sides of my own. “I can do that.” He said. “However, I’m not sure how to start; how to communicate properly about stuff like that. I mean, it was easier with everyone else, because I knew I never intended to have a lasting relationship.” There. He admitted it. Even to himself. Progress made somewhat. He had realized his faults, as I had mine. “I just don’t want to disappoint you.” He straightened up and looked daringly into my eyes. Their sparkle made a tear drop form my own brown ones. “Thank you.” I managed to say relieved. “Mac, I used to be really in love with you. I thought at the time we’d be perfect for each other. Then as time went on, a lot of events crumbled and injured our friendship, which I take most of the blame for.” He clasped his two strong hands together and continued, “I know this is a horrible way to find out, but you wanted to know. I stopped trusting you the day I heard you had a husband; not when I found out about your affair with Colonel Farrow, but when you failed to mention that you were married! I was shocked. Then you started dating those crazy people like Dalton and Brumby, both of which tried to steal you away.” I thought he was going to say “from me” but he went on. “I must admit that Steven is a finally good choice.” I thought here he was trying to imply something, but he had no meanness to his tone. “I thought we never kept anything from each other, so I started following your example and I kept a lot of things to myself. Not because I didn’t entirely trust, but because I was trying so hard to sensitive to your feelings. When I did leave JAG, I left the most important thing haywire. Not Jordan, not JAG, but you. I left our friendship, beaten and battered. You have changed me, Mac. Whether for the better or not, I do not know, but lately I have seen that you are still the most loyal person I know, who has tried so hard to move on from pain that you keep on getting trapped.” He sighed, in pity for me. “ Oh Mac! I wish you had listened to me! Why Brumby? I could have been so much better for you, and we wouldn’t have to deal with all of this!” He covered his teary face in his hands whose elbows rested on his knees. If I had waited but a little more than a day, he could have been mine! We could have been so many things to each other. Now he probably doesn’t even love me anymore because I established misunderstanding and distrust between us. He wanted to be with me but didn’t know how! Here I felt like a hypocrite, begging this poor heart of a partner to pour out his soul to me, when I had never done the same. How selfish, Sarah! I wanted to go back now, but reversing the past couldn’t help now. I had already seen his grief-stricken face. I was the one who was sorry. TO BE CONTINUED… …NOT!!! 1450 Zulu Monday JAG HQ I walked into harm’s empty office. I glanced at his model Tomcat, his neatly organized file drawer, his US Navy poster on the far right wall, and the fairly pleasant day through the window. At this moment, Harm walked in unheard and closed the door, neither of which startled me to turn around. He walked up behind me and stood there looking out the window, into my dream with me. I asked, “do you want us just to be friends?” I felt his right hand brush against my right hand, sending a warm sensation of hope through veins of anticipation. I let out a soft sigh and the entire room became fragrant with the scent of his cologne. “Have you thought about it?” I knew how rude my comment was, but I was now used to urging him. I needed him so badly, he could never understand, until… “Yes. I’ve thought about it; over and over and I’m done with the struggle. I don’t want anything in this world. But you.” My whole body felt shrill and pain at the sound of his words. I almost fainted at this feeling of triumph. “There’s nothing that I want than to be able to pour out sweet memories and feelings to you. I want us to always be friends but I also want us to be lovers forever. I want a family and a house and kids, but first I want you. Just you. I love you, Sarah MacKenzie.” I let go. I couldn’t breathe anymore and then I had felt so bereft. He put his arms around my entire frame. I turned to him and I was then convinced that it wasn’t a dream: that this partner of mine had come through for me again. I owed him something. My heart, sealed with a kiss. He looked at me funny and I realized I had said it aloud. I owed him now. I put my hands to the sides of his face and pulled him toward me. I kissed him. I kissed him again, hard on the lips, until he kissed me back. There was no doubt he loved me. “Oh, Harm! I love you too much!” He drew me into his embrace. “Is there such a thing?” He answered. I could feel his gleaming smile in my hair. He pulled apart and bent down, probably to pick up something on the floor. On his way back up, he grabbed my two hands for support, pausing on one knee. He looked up after a few seconds and said, “Sarah MacKenzie, thank you for being my life and my encourager. I love you with all of my heart. The only thing I cannot wait for besides your heart is your acceptance to my proposal. Sarah, will you marry me? This dumbfounded partner of yours who is so willing to commit but only to the one woman that has made him who he is?” His beautiful kiss-me green eyes glittered in the sunshine and there was absolutely no turning back. I loved him. Not because I was lonely, but because we are the finest match of partners anyone could hope for. “Please. Pretty, pretty,…” I could not bear it any longer. “-Okay, okay.” I breathed calmly. “I most definitely will. Yes, I will marry you, obnoxious Harmon Rabb, Jr.” This time I couldn’t have smiled more happily. “Oh, I love you.” He placed a simple, but beautiful white-gold diamond ring on my left ring finger. It was perfect. Just like us. Harm stood up and hugged me. I even thought he would never let go. “Harm,” was all I could say. When he did move away, he kept his gaze on me, amazed with his new bride-to-be. Sturgis walked in the door, possibly after knocking for a while. “Is everything okay in here?” His voice rang through my head but I was still looking at Harm, wondering if we had some kind of excuse. He surprisingly gave a bold answer. “Yeah. Everything is fine. Perfect.” He pondered what else to say. “We’ve found whatever it was that we lost years ago. Now I believe we’re perfectly happy.” He smiled just like a young boy, like I found him seven years ago. “Really…” Sturgis was almost convinced. “What’s going on then?” I had thought Sturgis brighter than this, to keep pushing a good thing. He finally looked at my teary eyes then, down to my hands. He was silent. “Sometimes people need a little push in the right direction.” I replied to his look of surprise. The END